- Dennis Barlow: They told me, Francis Hinsley, they told me you were hung. With red protruding eyeballs and black protruding tongue.
- Dennis Barlow: Aimee, wait. Now, my dear girl, don't you realize, it's only been money that's been holding me back?
- Aimee Thanatogenous: An American would despise himself for living off his wife.
- Dennis Barlow: Yes, but you see, I'm English, and we have none of these prejudices in the older and more developed civilizations.
- Dennis Barlow: They gave me this ticket, so I thought I'd come here. I mean it was either Los Angeles or Calcutta and I thought, what the hell.
- Dennis Barlow: Which service have you decided on?
- Mr. Kenton: Well, I dunno.
- Dennis Barlow: We can give you entombment, empyrement, dissemination or eternalization.
- Mr. Kenton: I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
- Dennis Barlow: Well, that would be embalmed, buried, scattered, or burned.
- Mr. Kenton: Burned! That's good. Burned.
- Harry Glenworthy: Listen, I've got to make a little trip over to Beverly Hills... to see a man about a dog.
- Dusty Acres: [in a thick southern drawl] Ah shore do feel bad about yore uncle. He's the one that learned me good English.
- Sir Francis Hinsley: The people here are so kind and generous. They talk entirely for their own pleasure, and they never expect you to listen. Just remember that, dear boy, the secret of social ease in this country.
- Dennis Barlow: Oh yes, every anniversary, a card of remembrance is sent without charge and it reads, "Your little Arthur is thinking of you and wagging his tail in heaven, tonight."
- D.J. Jr.: [casting Dusty Acres as James Bond] You think you can handle that English accent, Dusty?
- Dusty Acres: Aw shucks, I reckon I could if I just sorta snuck up on it.
- Harry Glenworthy: I think Frank here could straighten him out on the accent bit.
- D.J. Jr.: Is that right Frank? Do you think you can?
- Sir Francis Hinsley: Oh, yes. I daresay I could. Yes. I think I can.
- D.J. Jr.: You're sure you think you're sure you can, right?
- Sir Francis Hinsley: Yes, I think I can!
- Harry Glenworthy: Doctors! Doctors are hot, right? Ok, so how about a panel quiz show called "What's My Disease"? The contestant is wheeled in, in a kind of shrouded cage.
- Dennis Barlow: Would you prefer to keep the ashes at home?
- Mr. Kenton: Not at home, pal. Not at home.
- Sir Ambrose Ambercrombie: So I told Her Majesty, I said, "Ma'am, you've done us a very great honor." "Not at all," she said. "Not at all. I enjoyed the picture." Of course, Edinburgh was with her, you know. She takes him along everywhere these days. I don't know why.
- English Club Official: He is her husband, you know.
- Sir Ambrose Ambercrombie: Yes, I suppose that would account for it.
- Aimee Thanatogenous: And here we have the Falls of Xanadu.
- Dennis Barlow: The Falls of Xanadu, funny that Coleridge never mentioned them.
- Aimee Thanatogenous: I beg your pardon?
- Dennis Barlow: Coleridge, the man who wrote the poem.
- Aimee Thanatogenous: I never heard there was a poem. All the names in Whispering Glades were created by the Blessed Reverend.
- Mr. Kenton: [trying to wrestle the gun away from Mrs. Kenton] Take Arthur and run! Take him and run!
- Sir Ambrose Ambercrombie: I've always made it a rule never to do anything in my own home that I wouldn't do in front of the camera. And never to do anything in front of the camera that I wouldn't do in my own home.
- Sir Francis Hinsley: You should have seen this place in the old days. Like a great aquarium, flashing with the limbs of beauties. All, alas, long since departed. Golden lads and girls all must, as chimney sweepers, come to dust.
- Aimee Thanatogenous: This entire place is a dream. If the Blessed Reverend had not dreamed it, it would not exist.
- Dennis Barlow: [reading a sign] "This building, like all others in Whispering Glades is built of cast iron and reinforced concrete.It is certified protection against fire, earthquake and nuclear fission."
- Aimee Thanatogenous: The Blessed Reverend always builds for eternity.
- Sir Francis Hinsley: It's a bit odd. I went to my office this morning and there was a chap there. And a piece of paper pinned on the door with a name something like Lorenzo Medici.
- D.J. Jr.: Oh, yeah, Frank, that's right. Only, look, Frank, he said that it's Medici
- [pronounced: Med-i-sea]
- D.J. Jr.: , like that. And how you say it, kind of sounds like a wop. And Mr. Medici is D.J.'s son-in-law, and my brother-in-law, and he's a very, very wonderful person with a very fine record.
- Sir Francis Hinsley: Well, I've no doubt of that, D.J. Jr., but the point is, where do I work now?
- D.J. Jr.: That's the thing I do want to talk to you about, Frank. As you can see - I just don't have the time right now. Ciao, baby.
- Sir Francis Hinsley: [at the studio commissary] I think I'll just have my usual: Deep Dish Lolita and iced tea with a sprig of mint, please.
- Dennis Barlow: I'll have Breast of Squab Brigitte and the Goldwater Nut Flip.
- Sir Francis Hinsley: That's a sketch I made for the orgy scene in "The Sins of Solomon"... The studio was simply scandalized by it, but the public lapped it up. Those were the days.
- Sir Francis Hinsley: I expect you were a bit overtired. These newfangled jets, abrupt transition. One loses all sense of time and proportion, not like the old days on the Queen Mary.
- Dennis Barlow: Actually, I'm a poet.
- Immigration Officer: Poet? An English poet?
- Dennis Barlow: Well, yes, I am English.
- Immigration Officer: One of them beatnik poets, huh?
- Dennis Barlow: Oh, beatnik? No. No, I'm not a beatnik.
- Sir Francis Hinsley: [reading lines with Dusty as he practices his English accent] I don't like the look of this.
- Dusty Acres: Yes, it may get a bit dykey.
- Sir Francis Hinsley: [whispers] Dicey.
- Dusty Acres: Dicey, if he decides to use the giant squid.
- D.J. Jr.: Hold it, Harry. Hold it. You just don't get the message, baby. You just don't get the message. I mean, it's cutback time, Harry. You know what I mean?
- Harry Glenworthy: What do you mean?
- Dennis Barlow: Here, Pickled in formaldehyde, And painted like a whore, Shrimp pink, Incorruptible, Not lost, But gone before...
- Aimee Thanatogenous: This is the entire missionary staff of the St. Francis Theological Seminary of Burbank. All massacred.
- Dennis Barlow: All of them?
- Aimee Thanatogenous: Yes, in different parts of the world, over the years, by the regional savages there.
- Harry Glenworthy: Hey, kid, what's with His Lordship?
- Dennis Barlow: I think he didn't like my poem. He's anti-art.
- Dennis Barlow: He was my uncle.
- Whispering Glades Hostess: In that case, he must have been Caucasian.
- Dennis Barlow: Certainly not. He was English.
- Whispering Glades Hostess: Oh, that's all right. English is Caucasian. We prefer that word at Whispering Glades. It's much less offensive than "white."
- Dennis Barlow: Well, I can assure you that he was - he was quite white.
- Whispering Glades Hostess: The Blessed Reverend has to consider the feelings of the waiting ones. In time of trial, they prefer to be with their own people.
- Dennis Barlow: Tell me, what do you think about when you're out here all by yourself?
- Aimee Thanatogenous: Oh, just death and art.
- Sir Ambrose Ambercrombie: Take my advice. Get out of this country before they throw you out. That may be a little uncomfortable. The police have developed new methods of dealing with hooligans like you. Dogs and cattle prods.
- Harry Glenworthy: Yes, madam. Yes, yes. He'll be in very good company. Rin-Tin-Tin, Lassie, Trigger, Silver. They're all here. Little Sheba, Mister Ed.
- Mr. Joyboy: Aimee, I wanna show you something. This is my bedroom. I wanted you to see it. I don't know why.
- Mr. Joyboy: That's the storage room over there. We're gonna enlarge that a bit to put in Mom's big tub, you see.
- Aimee Thanatogenous: Big tub?
- Mr. Joyboy: Yes. A big tub for Mom. I give her sponge baths. I'm going to continue doing that. But I've saved my money and I've ordered a great big tub for Mom.
- Dennis Barlow: Aimee, a poet, an artist, he draws his inspiration from beauty in many forms.
- [gives Aimee a kiss]
- Aimee Thanatogenous: Dennis, don't! That's not an ethical thing to do.
- Dennis Barlow: Why? Don't Americans kiss?
- Aimee Thanatogenous: Well, of course they kiss. But, what has that got to do with us?
- Dennis Barlow: Everything. You're an American girl. And I'm a man.
- Aimee Thanatogenous: And anyway, this certainly wouldn't be the time or place - for that sort of thing.
- Dennis Barlow: What better time and place could there be? Here we are together. Aimee. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
- Aimee Thanatogenous: Did you just write that?
- Wilbur Glenworthy: Miss Thanatogenos, as there are many people of delicate sensibilities with a natural reluctance to expose their loved ones to anything of immodesty I've been considering the advantages of training a female embalmer. Aimee Thanatogenos, first lady embalmer of Whispering Glades.
- Wilbur Glenworthy: You have an astonishing purity, Miss Thanatogenos. It's a quality I've always found exceedingly attractive in the young.
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