- Egg Stork: Ack Ack, let me tell you a little story. A story about a little fat kid who everybody made fun of, and nobody liked and he had a twin brother, and everybody said he never looked like his twin brother, but he wanted to...
- Ack Ack Raymond: Egg, were you that little boy?
- Egg Stork: No! No! But I used to beat the shit out him! "Why are you so fat? Why are so ugly?" Aaagghh!
- Ack Ack Raymond: Great story, thanks.
- [Reading the obituaries]
- George Calamari: Hey, Hoops, you ever notice how people die in alphabetical order?
- Aquilla Beckersted: If you don't come home with that trophy, we lose it all! No more pools, no more Ferrari. And you know what happens then?
- Teddy Beckersted: Don't say it, Dad!
- Aquilla Beckersted: That's right, Ted. You'll have to go to..
- Teddy Beckersted: [covering his ears] NO!
- Aquilla Beckersted: WORK, Teddy, WORK!
- Teddy Beckersted: Don't say that word! I'll win! Please just don't say that word!
- [while holding up a doll that had its head torn off]
- Ack Ack Raymond: Do you realize that for every lost doll there's a little girl with a broken heart.
- George Calamari: Are you sure you want to be a Marine Acky? I just can't see you having a killer instinct.
- Hoops McCann: We can't let them walk away with everything. If we give in, we're giving in to all the cute, fuzzy bunnies in the world.
- Egg Stork: [Everyone gives Hoops with a bewildered look, not knowing what he's talking about] Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.
- Teddy Beckersted: That girl, the one with the braids in her hair? What do they call them? Corn husks?
- Hoops McCann: Will you watch where you're going! We're heading for the docks!
- George Calamari: We've gotta make the boat!
- Hoops McCann: Boat? What boat?
- George Calamari: What, did you think we were driving to Nantucket? Come on, it's an island!
- Hoops McCann: You never mentioned any boats! I hate boats! I'm not getting on any boat!
- George Calamari: I beg to differ!
- Ack Ack Raymond: Every year he tries to win that competition, and every year he loses a little more of his mind.
- Hoops McCann: Hey, Teddy. What if we make a deal? You need the trophy, we need the house. And everybody's happy. Come on, Ted. Okay.
- Teddy Beckersted: [Snatching the trophy] You're only half right, McCann.
- Old Man Beckersted: That house won't do you or your father any good. I'm not putting a dime in the Beckerstead Estates. This is the real investment, Teddy: Friendship!
- Old Man Beckersted: [Giving the deed to the house to Cassandra] Here's your house back.
- Cassandra Eldridge: Thank you so much.
- Old Man Beckersted: The little lady has quite a voice. Come on, Teddy.
- [Grabs Teddy by the ear]
- Hoops McCann: [Drawing his cartoon, before the final scene] Once upon a time, there was a happy guy that love finally found and this time, love didn't pass him by. Old boy finally caught a break. This love story lasted all summer long. There was nothing even the cute and fuzzy bunnies could do about it.
- Disc Jockey: [Closing scene] F.M. music-money time. This is it. We're looking for caller number 50! Good luck. You're on the air!
- Uncle Frank: Hello?
- Disc Jockey: Hello!
- Uncle Frank: This the contest at the radio station?
- Disc Jockey: I hope you're sitting, 'cause you've won $1 million!
- Uncle Frank: Jesus Christ, I won!
- Disc Jockey: lt's all yours!
- Uncle Frank: This changes everything for me. I deserve this. I've been sitting, waiting, day after day, in this room waiting for your lousy song. And I've gotten through! I feel so lucky, so blessed, so powerful!
- [Accidentally yanks the phone cord out of the wall]
- Disc Jockey: Congratulations!
- Uncle Frank: Hello?
- Disc Jockey: Hello? We seem to be cut off. Let's take another caller. You're on the air.
- Lady radio caller: Did I win?
- Disc Jockey: You sure did. You better believe it, lady. $1 million is all yours!
- Lady radio caller: l can't believe it!
- Disc Jockey: It's certainly been a great summer for you.
- Disc Jockey: [Uncle Frank goes insane and fires a rocket at the radio station] Just a second. There's a rocket coming in here.
- [the Disc Jockey runs from the station]
- Lady radio caller: A rocket? Wait, what about my money?
- Lady radio caller: [the station is destroyed] Hello? Hello? ls anyone there?
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