Scary Movie 3 (2003)
Charlie Sheen: Tom
Photos
Quotes
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George : Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's... She's dead.
Tom : Oh. I better tell her.
George : No, no, no. I can do it. Sue?
Sue : Yes?
George : You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?
Sue : Yeah.
George : She's dead!
Sue : Aah!
George : Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death! Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!
Sue : My dog's dead?
George : I just ran him over with the car when I drove in! Everyone you love around you is dying!
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Annie : Promise me you'll never remarry.
Tom : I promise.
Annie : And no sex, either.
Tom : I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Annie : No sex.
Tom : Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
Annie : No sex.
Tom : Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.
Annie : [shouts] No sex!
Tom : Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
Annie : Oh, Jesus.
Tom : That's right, honey. Go into the light.
Annie : Look! Just tell George, swing away.
Tom : Right. Swing away.
Annie : Oh, sure. That you understand.
[Gasps and dies]
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Alien #1 : Wait please, we mean you no harm. We travel to your planet to find an evil little girl. We must destroy her before seven days.
George : You mean... You watched the video tape?
Alien #1 : Our satellite caught up what we thought was Pootie Tang, that was a week ago. And now our entire race will die, unless the girl is destroyed.
Tom : Aw, you see, they are peaceful.
Mahalik : If they so peaceful, man, why were they choking us a few minutes ago?
Alien #1 : Oh... that's how we say hello.
George : Well how do you guys say goodbye?
[an alien kicks George in the groin]
George : [in pain] I had to ask.
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U-God : You stepped on my shoe, bitch!
Redman : Man, call me a bitch again and I'll park your truck... dead in yo ass!
Macy Gray : DAMN, HOMEY!
CJ : [to the rappers] Hey yo, they comin! Over here!
RZA : If I was you, son, I'd bust this shit right now!
Method Man : Yo Momma!
U-God : I got your number too, homey.
Master P : He ain't gonna bust nuthin. I got nuts bigger than him.
RZA : Oh, yeah? I'll roll up on you too... you country ass maple syrup biscuit eatin' nigga!
Master P : Ya'll want some biscuits? You want some biscuits?
[a shootout happens between all the gangster rappers; Macy Gray fires a rocket launcher killing all of them and herself]
Tom : I cannot believe what just happened!
President Harris : These men all died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.
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Tom : [opening door] Sue?
Sue : I can't sleep.
Tom : Well, it's way past your bedtime.
Sue : Won't you rock me to sleep in your big, strong arms? There's plenty of room under the covers. It's a hot night. You don't need to wear pajamas.
Tom : Where is my daughter?
Sue : Are you mad? I am your daughter.
Tom : No you're not.
[removes dress from daughter revealing it is really Michael Jackson]
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Trooper Champlin : It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.
Tom : Annie?
Trooper Champlin : She was hit by a truck and she's pinned against a tree.
Tom : I don't understand.
Trooper Champlin : As long as the truck has her pinned, she'll stay alive.
Tom : I still don't get it.
Trooper Champlin : [shows Tom hot dog] This... is your wife.
[breaks hot dog in half]
Tom : She broke her wiener?
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Trooper Champlin : Your faith will return. Just as sure as the sun will rise.
Tom : Sounds like a long shot.
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Sayaman : I'm sorry about that night. If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving for that exact 20 minutes. If I hadn't drank that exact whole bottle of Jaegermeister. If only I hadn't killed that hooker.
Tom : Sayaman. I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie.
Sayaman : I'm sorry. Those were other nights. But if it had been that night, I might have missed her.
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Tom : [while in front of the door] Quick, we can get that plank of wood to jam underneath the door.
[is hit in the balls by the plank of wood]
Tom : [in pain] Oh, my balls.
[George gives bowling balls to Tom and is hit in the balls again]
Tom : [in pain] No, not those! Jesus!
Tom : [Jesus is being bought to him, but Tom pushes George away] NO!
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Tom : I want to see Annie.
Trooper Champlin : She's split in half.
Tom : You mean like down-the-middle in half?
[Holds up a sandwich and separates its halves]
Trooper Champlin : At the waist.
Tom : You mean this is the last time I can talk to the top half?
Trooper Champlin : Yes. The truck is the only thing that is holding her together.
Tom : Let's say this is her bottom half.
[Holds up a doughnut]
Tom : Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?
Trooper Champlin : I'm not sure what you mean.
Tom : Let me explain.
[Holds up a sausage]
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[Holding Michael Jackson From Window]
Tom : How do you like it?
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Tom : Don't call me "dude". I haven't been a stoner since...
[Mexican music plays]
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Tom : George, all you've done is chase adolescent fantasies. "I want to be an astronaut. A cowboy. Gynecologist to the stars."