- [a woman asks a question about the shark Zissou is hunting]
- Festival Director: [translating] That's an endangered species at most. What would be the scientific purpose of killing it?
- Steve Zissou: Revenge.
- Alistair Hennessey: Is this my espresso machine? Wh-what is-h-how did you get my espresso machine?
- Bill Ubell: Well... uh... we fuckin' stole it, man.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: Are we - are we safe in here?
- Steve Zissou: I doubt it.
- Klaus Daimler: Do you still want to blow him up?
- Steve Zissou: No, we're out of dynamite anyway.
- Eleanor Zissou: It is beautiful Steve.
- Steve Zissou: Yea, it's pretty good isn't it... I wonder if it remembers me...
- Steve Zissou: Oh, shit! Swamp leeches. Everybody, check for swamp leeches, and pull them off... Nobody else got hit? I'm the only one? What's the deal?
- Steve Zissou: Supposedly Cousteau and his cronies invented the idea of putting walkie-talkies into the helmet. But we made ours with a special rabbit ear on the top so we could pipe in some music.
- [on Eleanor]
- Alistair Hennessey: We've never made great husbands, have we? Of course, I have a good excuse. I'm part gay.
- Ned Plimpton: Stevesy, what's going on? Are those hijackers?
- Steve Zissou: Well, out here we call them "pirates," Ned.
- Steve Zissou: Wolodarsky, go get the keys to that fishing boat, and throw them in the water. No, wait. They might have another set. Just blow it up.
- Steve Zissou: Anne-Marie, do all the interns get Glocks?
- Anne-Marie Sakowitz: No, they all share one.
- Ned Plimpton: Why didn't you ever try to contact me?
- Steve Zissou: Because I hate fathers, and I never wanted to be one.
- Steve Zissou: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to tag along is more than welcome.
- [Hennessey is playing poker with Filipinos who have kidnapped him and Zissou bursts into the room accidentally]
- Alistair Hennessey: Steven, are you rescuing me?
- [pause]
- Alistair Hennessey: Fold.
- [a pirate quickly shoots Hennessey in the chest, knocking him backwards in his chair and down to the floor - large gunfight begins]
- Anne-Marie Sakowitz: Do you know that you just charted us on a course through unprotected waters?
- Steve Zissou: Yeah, we're taking the shortcut.
- Anne-Marie Sakowitz: But it's outside I.M.U. jurisdiction. There isn't any protection.
- Steve Zissou: I know, honey. Look at the map. We go your way, that's about four inches. We go my way, it's an inch and a half. You wanna pay for the extra gas?
- Steve Zissou: We'll split into two groups. I'll take Ned, Ogata, and Wolodarsky.
- Klaus Daimler: [pouting] Thanks. Thanks a lot for not picking me.
- Steve Zissou: I'm going to find it and I'm going to destroy it. I don't know how yet. Possibly with dynamite.
- Steve Zissou: We're in the middle of a lightning strike rescue op, Klaus. What's the deal?
- Klaus Daimler: I'm sick of being on "B" squad.
- Steve Zissou: You might be on "B" Squad, But you're the "B" Squad leader. Don't you know me and Esteban always thought of you as our baby brother?
- Klaus Daimler: I've always thought of you two as my dads. Please don't let any one make fun of me for saying so.
- Steve Zissou: I can't guarantee that, Klausie, but I'll try. Can we get on with the maneuvers now?
- [after chasing the pirates away, Steve finds a three-legged dog on the deck]
- Steve Zissou: Those fucking amateurs. You left your dog, you idiots!
- Eleanor Zissou: Your cat's dead.
- Steve Zissou: What? Which one?
- Eleanor Zissou: Marmalade. I'm sorry.
- [lighting cigarette]
- Steve Zissou: What happened?
- Eleanor Zissou: A rattlesnake bit it in the throat.
- Steve Zissou: [pause] Goddammit, Elanor, why do have to say it like that? You couldn't try to break it a little bit nicer?
- Steve Zissou: [talking about two men who were talking about him] People say that when someone says something like that, it's because they're jealous. But it still hurts. It hurts bad.
- Ned Plimpton: That man was damn rude. He can go straight to hell.
- Oseary Drakoulias: The wire transfer came straight through from Kentucky, and the bank has agreed to gap-finance the rest. But there are a few hooks on it, so take a pew for a spell. Number One, the bank want a drug screen for everybody on the boat, before they'll forward the money.
- Steve Zissou: A piss test?
- Oseary Drakoulias: Yes, a piss test. Two, a stooge from the bond company will be riding along during the whole shoot, to keep you on budget.
- Steve Zissou: Who's the stooge?
- Oseary Drakoulias: A chap by the name of Bill Ubell, and there's not a damn thing you can do about that, Steve. Three, you must swear - legally swear - that you will not kill that shark, or whatever it is, if it actually exists.
- Steve Zissou: I'm going to fight it, but I'll let it live. What about my dynamite?
- Oseary Drakoulias: [to assistant] Phillip, dynamite.
- [Steve bursts to the surface from an underwater dive, shouting hysterically]
- Klaus Daimler: Steve!
- Steve Zissou: Vikram, is that thing rolling?
- Klaus Daimler: Where's Esteban?
- [Written text of what Steve is shouting rolls onto the screen as he speaks]
- Steve Zissou: Encounter with highly abnormal shark-like fish! Ten meters in length! Unfamiliar dorsal features! Spots all over it! I shot it dorsally with a homing dart!
- [shouts]
- Steve Zissou: Esteban was eaten!
- Klaus Daimler: Is he dead?
- Steve Zissou: Esteban was eaten! Check the scanning monitor before it dives too deep!
- Klaus Daimler: He was bitten?
- Steve Zissou: Eaten!
- Klaus Daimler: [shocked] He was swallowed whole?
- Steve Zissou: No! *Chewed*!
- Klaus Daimler: [to the camera] He's got hydrogen psychosis, the crazy-eye!
- [camera zooms in on Steve's face - his eyes are dilated ridiculously large]
- Klaus Daimler: Steve! They say you've got crazy-eye!
- [to the camera]
- Klaus Daimler: Get him out of the fucking water!
- Steve Zissou: [shouting] Check the scanning monitor!
- Klaus Daimler: Steve!
- [Klaus jumps into the water to get Steve, still wearing all of his normal clothes and not bothering to take his shoes off]
- Steve Zissou: [shouting] Esteban! Esteban! Esteban!
- Ned Plimpton: I'm gonna fight you, Steve.
- [Steve hits Ned in the face]
- Steve Zissou: You never say, "I'm gonna fight you, Steve." You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch him.
- Ned Plimpton: You fight your way, and I'll fight mine.
- Steve Zissou: Oh, listen, Ned. Don't you try to...
- [Ned hits Steve in the face]
- Steve Zissou: I think your Team Zissou ring might've caught me on the lip.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: [fearing the Jaguar Shark might attack them in their sub] Are we-are we safe in here?
- Steve Zissou: I doubt it.
- [Jane finds Steve in her room, reading her diary]
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: I'm going to have to start locking my effing door.
- Steve Zissou: It was locked, I kicked it in. Why don't you just curse like other people?
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: Because I'm trying to get out of the habit before I have my fucking baby!
- Steve Zissou: You know I'm not big on apologizing. So I'll just skip it if it's all the same to you.
- Eleanor Zissou: Okay.
- Steve Zissou: Anyway, I'm sorry.
- Steve Zissou: Where'd you come from? You look pregnant.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: I am pregnant. I'm not even going to ask what you men are doing out here in your matching pajamas, by the way.
- [during the rescue op, Steve sees a young Filipino boy sitting on the beach, roasting a crab on a spit. He raises his spear gun]
- Bill Ubell: No, Captain! That's Cedric. He's a friend.
- Steve Zissou: Merci, Cedric. Remind me, we'll send him a red cap and a Speedo.
- Alistair Hennessey: How are things going with your - what are you calling it? Leopard fish?
- Steve Zissou: Jaguar shark.
- Alistair Hennessey: Jaguar shark! So tell me - does it really exist?
- Steve Zissou: [hesitant] You know, Allie, I don't want to give away the ending.
- Ned Plimpton: [introducing himself] Captain Zissou my name is Ned Plimpton...
- Steve Zissou: [congratulating him] OK, man.
- Steve Zissou: If we don't handle this right, we're gonna all get murdered... including her unborn British child.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: May I turn this on?
- Steve Zissou: [bites into an apple] Fire one.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: [Jane begins recording the interview] So what happened, in your opinion?
- Steve Zissou: [swallows the bite] ... what're you talking about?
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: Well, don't you think the public perception of your work has significantly altered in the last five years?
- Steve Zissou: - That's your first question? I thought this was supposed to be a puff piece.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: ...should we come back to it?
- Steve Zissou: ...yeah.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: Okay... Is it true that this is going to be your last voyage?
- Steve Zissou: Wow... no comment. Who told you that? No, goddamnit, I'm... only 52. How-how 'bout we start out with some stock dialogue? Favorite color, blue? Favorite food, sardines?
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: How do you feel about part one of your new film?
- Steve Zissou: Why? How do you feel about part one of my new film?
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: Well, I'm honest. You know, so...
- Steve Zissou: - Just say it!
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: I thought aspects of it seemed slightly fake.
- Steve Zissou: [pauses, obviously enraged] ... Wolodarsky?...
- Vladimir Wolodarsky: [getting up to leave, gathering the cat] ... I'll take five, Steve.
- Steve Zissou: ...how 'bout taking five?
- [the door closes]
- Steve Zissou: ... did it seem fake... when my best friend was bitten in half right in front of me? And eaten alive, screaming? I think you're a fake. I think you're a phony. And a bad reporter. How does that feel? And tell me something -
- [Steve pulls out a glock and points it at her, cocking it]
- Steve Zissou: Does this seem fake?
- [He replaces the glock]
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: ...how dare you! This entire article was my idea, no one else gives a shit!
- Steve Zissou: What about Sy Perlman?
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: [scoffs, and turns off the recorder] Are you joking? He's not even covering my expenses!
- Steve Zissou: [pauses for a moment, realizing] You're taking something out on me.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: [turns off the recorder again, turns away and cries]
- Steve Zissou: Wh? Stop crying, what's the deal here? I was only trying to defend myself.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: Well, you did a great job! I'm sure you'll make a terrific father.
- Steve Zissou: Can you hear the Jack Whales singing?
- Ned Plimpton: [Tanker goes off] Beautiful. I wonder what they're saying.
- Steve Zissou: Well actually that's a Sludge Tanker over there...
- [Several whales sing]
- Steve Zissou: There you go!
- Alistair Hennessey: [about the pirates' three-legged dog, who is whining] Uh, what's your dog's name?
- Steve Zissou: [thinks a moment] Cody.
- [Alistair rolls up a newspaper, and hits the dog with it]
- Alistair Hennessey: Be still, Cody.
- Steve Zissou: Are you sure?
- Klaus Daimler: Yes, I am.
- Steve Zissou: I don't understand. Why?
- Klaus Daimler: What do you mean?... Wait a second. What are we doing? You said cross the line if.
- Steve Zissou: Cross the line if you're going to quit.
- Klaus Daimler: Oh... Do it again. I misunderstood.
- Eleanor Zissou: Oh, Shit. What do you want?
- Steve Zissou: Do you mind if I butter you up a little before I answer that question?
- Eleanor Zissou: Yes, I do. Tell me now.
- Steve Zissou: [takes a deep breath] I need some money to get the boat out of hock and rescue my bond company stooge who got kidnapped. Could we ask your parents to loan it to me?
- Eleanor Zissou: No.
- Steve Zissou: Okay. Could I go ahead and butter you up anyway? It took me two and a half hours to get out here.
- Steve Zissou: I wanted to give you a heads-up on what I thought of the piece...
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: You read it. What did you think?
- Steve Zissou: Well, I was a little upset at first. I mean, obviously people are going to think I'm a showboat, and a little bit of a prick. But then I thought... that's me. I said those things, I did those things. I can live with that. You're a good writer, Jane.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: It's the effing cover.
- Steve Zissou: Thatta girl.
- Jane Winslett-Richardson: [about her baby] In twelve years, he'll be eleven and a half.
- Steve Zissou: [pause] That was my favorite age.
- Steve Zissou: This bull dyke's got something against us.
- Ned Plimpton: I don't think she's a lesbian. She's pregnant.
- [while robbing Alistair Hennessey's underwater sea-lab]
- Vladimir Wolodarsky: Steve, one of the interns just fell down the stairs with the main tracking processor.
- Steve Zissou: All right, just make sure we steal the backup.
- Anne-Marie Sakowitz: I think it's criminal that Steve allowed this to happen, by which I mean illegal. We're being led on an illegal suicide mission by a selfish maniac.
- Klaus Daimler: I hear what you're saying, but I think you misjudge the guy.