- Seth: Guess what?
- Bud Jablonski: What's that?
- Seth: I didn't pee myself this time.
- Bud Jablonski: Get out.
- Heather: Vampires don't pee or poop.
- Bud Jablonski: Nah, they don't.
- Seth: Please just let me have this little victory.
- Seth: Carol? Carol did you eat my yogurt again? I even wrote my name on the lid today, so you literally had to peel back my name to get to the yogurt. What? You can't hear me? I'm gonna fart in my yogurt tomorrow and you're gonna eat my fart. Next.
- Audrey San Fernando: You've been a bad boy Troy. Did you know that a vampire cannot live without its fangs? And yet for whatever reason, whatever cruel joke from the gods... they are the one thing we cannot regenerate. Everything that makes a vampire a predator is in its fangs. Each set is a life that could have lived a thousand lives. Lives that you had a part in ending. Yet it always wasn't like this, you know? There was a time when you humans, you worshiped us as gods. Right here in this valley, you built temples of blood and bone to honor us. And then you turned on us. Well, guess what? I'm gonna take back what's ours, one property at a time. The way I see it, you have two choices, two doors. One, you bend the knee and join me in service and you live. And two... you don't.
- Troy: All right. So what the hell do you want, huh?
- Audrey San Fernando: Who brought you this tooth? A name.
- Troy: You're so full of shit, lady. You think you're a god? You're not gods. You're a big mistake. You're a genetic mutation that would've died out if there hadn't been a stinking hole for y'all to crawl into.
- Audrey San Fernando: Door number two it is.
- Bud Jablonski: [holding a jar of yellow liquid] You gotta get some of this too. I'm sure you know this, Mr. Union Man. But when vamps are killed, they release a gas that gets on you that other vamps can sniff out in a second. So you gotta get all of that off. Here, take this. It's my special blend like a little, uh, skunk musk, okay? Now, get that on you, in the shower.
- Seth: Oh, Jesus.
- Bud Jablonski: On every inch of you, okay? Be extremely careful. Don't get it in your eyes. And whatever you do... Don't get it in your butthole.
- Seth: What happens in the butthole?
- Seth: I mean, it can't kill you, but... Jesus Christ.
- Bud Jablonski: You okay?
- Seth: I don't know. I just keep thinking about how all those vampires we just killed used to be regular people.
- Bud Jablonski: There you go. The old vampires-are-just-like-us routine. But they're not, Seth. You know what I see when I see a vamp? Big old dollar signs. Cause all they are is murderers and liars. It ain't Brad Pitt in a leather jacket and some blood raves. It's not Eclipse. It's not New Moon. It's not Breaking Dawn Part One. It ain't like that all right?
- Seth: Why do you know the names to all the specific Twilight films? And what's your gripe with Breaking Dawn Part 2? It's the exciting conclusion of the whole Twilight saga. Wha... have you seen Part 2? Bella has her baby now. It's insane.
- Bud Jablonski: She had the baby?
- Seth: Oh I wish I was you! Just to experience that for the first time. You are in for a treat.
- Ralph Seeger: Why should I extend you to another lifetime?
- Big John Elliott: Ralph, let me be the first to tell you. Bud here, he's a new man.
- Bud Jablonski: Yeah.
- Ralph Seeger: Is that right?
- Bud Jablonski: Yes, sir. Absolutely. I'm a changed man. I've cut out pork, and cartoons, and minimal white women.
- Bud Jablonski: Feeling better?
- Seth: Not really. I got some of that yellow stuff in my butthole. It was so much worse than what you even described.
- Bud Jablonski: Bet it was.
- Diran Nazarian: [after Mike kills a vampire] Nice, bro. Yes.
- Mike Nazarian: I got six.
- Diran Nazarian: You got six, I got five. I'll catch you up.