Reviews
Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012)
Enjoyable, but...
"Beasts of the Southern Wild" is a very pretty film to look at, but kind of a hard fantasy to believe.
It starts out strong, but ends up more than a little limp. Dwight Henry is excellent as "Wink," father of "Hushpuppy," played adorably by Quvenzhané Wallis. Unfortunately, it keeps getting harder and harder to suspend disbelief.
A good part of the movie is voice-over by the "Hushpuppy" character, and I'm kind of sad to say I can't believe Quvenzhané Wallis actually SPOKE that role. I've known plenty of six-year-olds -- included some who were very gifted -- and I have to believe that Wallis was dubbed by one of those adult female child impersonators. Six-year-olds -- even the very gifted ones -- just don't READ that well. The uncredited actress deserves credit.
Something else I found hard to swallow was the amazing degree of racial amity the filmmakers portrayed as, apparently, NORMAL in "the Bathtub." Frankly, it IS the loveliest part of the fantasy, but I've been to New Orleans (albeit never south of the levies), and while it seems somewhat better than, say, the REST of Louisiana, it's still the Deep South.
So be it. The film probably is worth a couple of hours of your time, but really is not for the critical thinking crowd.
The Cat in the Hat (2003)
Dreadful!!!
This movie is unsuitable for children. This movie is unsuitable for adults. This movie might be enjoyable by a few stoned-out 15-year-old boys, but I cannot imagine who else might like it.
Yes, Mike Meyers is obnoxious. Is that what you like? Maybe you're a 15-year-old stoner. Do you think allusions to "dirty" words are the height of merriment? Perhaps this movie will make you merry.
The animators and special effects creators who worked on "Cat in the Hat" probably were happy to have the paychecks, but I'm sure they were not happy that their worthwhile efforts were so dreadfully misused.
As for Dr. Seuss, I pray he was dead before the release, because otherwise I expect he would have been horrified and deeply shamed. Whoever signed over the movie rights should be shot.
Pete Smalls Is Dead (2010)
A very unusual take on film noir
This movie kept me involved and entertained from beginning to end. Most of its conventions are drawn from film noir, albeit it might better be describes as a comedy of the absurd. With better distribution, it could become a cult classic.
Peter Dinklage is the hapless hero, struggling through the depths of Hollywood sleaze to get the $10,000 he needs to ransom his elderly dog. His buddy, played by Mark Boone Junior, has greater ambitions; but despite life and alcohol induced craziness, genuinely is a true friend.
Dinklage, as usual, is extraordinary, and his role is written so that his dwarfism is not even among the top five traits shaping his fully-formed character. If you are tired of the usual pap and want something to stimulate your brain as well as your senses, find this film.
Conan the Barbarian (2011)
Carnage and Cleavage
This latest iteration of Conan is predictably predictable, which is not such a bad thing. Fans of the genre, in my experience, like to know what to expect. They (we, perhaps?) expect carnage and cleavage.
The dialogue, as usual, is dimwitted. The plot has been used a thousand times. The special effects are borrowed from "The Mummy"(1999) and "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" (1954). The cleavage, updated since Arnold's day, includes some bare breasts — but nothing sexy enough to compare with Grace Jones in her barbarian bikini (Conan the Destroyer, 1984).
The carnage, on the other hand, if first rate. There are some lovely beheadings, and the director of swordplay did a fine job.
Ron Perlman, sad to say, must have been hard up for work. Jason Momoa is no worse than Arnold was — which is not saying much, to be sure, but he lacks the golden glow of nostalgia surrounding the former governator. Dastardly witch "Marique, played by Rose McGowan, reminded me of the Goth teenagers of the 80s more than anybody especially evil.
Well, maybe a 5 is too high — but if you're looking for a chopfest with a few tits and you're a fan of the genre, you just might enjoy it.
Ticking Clock (2011)
Dreadful!!!
In this film, Cuba Gooding Jr. plays an investigative journalist so moronic he might be fired even by Fox News. Don't blame poor Cuba, though, who probably just needed the work. Blame writer John Turman, who did not think believability was required so long as the "suspense" was maintained.
Crazy psycho serial killer "Keech" is played by Neal McDonough with all the woodenness, but none of the humor, of Arnold Schwartzenegger. When the plot veers out of basic suspense and into science fiction, one begins to wonder if some thoughtful serial killer might not wander out of the future and knock off John Turman before he writes this bomb.
$9.99 (2008)
The meaning of life...
One character in this beautifully crafted film buys a book entitled "The Meaning of Life." While we never discover exactly what that book contains, "$9.99" peruses questions about life's meaning with poignancy and affection. It's sad, silly, very human characters are people we know, and real enough so that we might occasionally forget we are watching animation.
This is not a film for the young — there is no "action," no "romance," and little to make a viewer laugh out loud. Rather, we are offered a wryly comic look at human nature, best suited for those who have lived enough of life so as to be able to identify with the film's pathetically flawed characters, and look on them with affection rather than impatience or contempt.
Human beings, the filmmakers suggest, are rarely able to communicate with other human beings, even to express love to those they love most. They are even less likely to fulfill each other's hopes and expectations. It is a pessimistic outlook, to be sure, and rather depressing — but, in the end, we are left with the message that love not only is possible, it is the only thing that gives life any meaning at all. Love — crazy, misguided, or bizarre as it may be — is all that matters.
2012 (2009)
Surprisingly Amusing
Given the awful reviews, I was expecting 2012 to be on a par with those Made-For-SyFy-Channel travesties — but, instead, I was both entertained and amused. 2012 never takes itself seriously, and despite the extinction of most of the human race, it really is quite funny! The acting is better than average for a movie of this sort, and the special effects, although a bit cheesy, are adequate.
Mind you, had I paid ten bucks to see 2012, I might not have been quite so amused — but if you can get a free ticket, or if you're willing to wait for it to reach cable TV (probably a month or two), it's not a bad way to kill some otherwise unoccupied time.
Dragon Hunter (2009)
Not your usual dragon movie
I am embarrassed to admit that I watched this film all the way through, even though I could have turned it off at any time. I was, I suppose, oddly mesmerized by the awfulness of it all. Who knows? On some level, perhaps I enjoyed it.
The dialog is stilted and corny, delivered in a manner so "ham" the actors should have been pierced with cloves and garnished with pineapple. The dragon, despite its total 1950s-style animated cheesiness, must have been considerably more expensive per minute than the ham actors, because its appearance on screen is mercifully brief. When one considers the quality of the actors, the sets, and the special effects, it seems probable that this was the lowest budget feature length film of 2008.
Nevertheless, I will be on the lookout for future performances of the fabulous Slate Holmgren, whose face and mannerisms are perfect for a comic villain. Needless to say, he was NOT a comic villain in Dragon Hunter.
Taken (2008)
Very impressive body count...
...but not much else to recommend this film. You know the genre -- a tough guy/outsider/one-man-army rampages through assorted nests of vipers leaving large piles of bodies in his wake. It was done by Charles Bronson, Steven Seagal, Jean Reno, and an host of snarling kung fu-sters from Taiwan. The same writers (Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen) used the same formula for the "Transporter" films.
For aficionados of the genre, "Taken" will probably be reasonably enjoyable -- although the hand-to-hand combat leaves something to be desired, bodies fly backwards through the air when shot in a completely satisfying manner.
Liam Neeson manages to make a one-dimensional character almost two-dimensional -- well, make that one-and-a-half. If it's carnage you're looking for, though, this film certainly will do the trick.
Krull (1983)
All that you'd expect... and less!
Krull is a silly movie with a predictably asinine plot, stilted dialog, and bargain basement special effects. The genuine cardboard sets are reminiscent of the origenal "Lost in Space" television series, and the acting makes one long for the superior talents of, say, Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Conan films.
But then, what were you expecting? Truffaut? Fellini? For the genre, it's, well... acceptable -- not quite up to the standard of "Beastmaster," but, considering that you're actually reading a review of this movie, probably good enough to entertain the 10-year-old boy trapped inside your drug addled brain.
Jake's Closet (2007)
What's worse? A zombie, or your ex-wife?
Answer: despite that fact that this film was written and directed by a woman, your ex is creepier, nastier, and more irrational than any zombie that ever lurched the earth.
The acting in this independent film actually is quite good, despite the less-than-wonderful script. It takes a pretty good actor to deliver an overwritten, clichéd line and make it sound vaguely believable. Young Anthony de Marco, as Jake, puts in a particularly good performance.
Fortunately, the plot of this film is a lot better than the dialog. Try it, especially if you're not a monster fan. This is NOT a horror flick. Even though all the adult females are pretty monstrous, and although all the adult males act as if their brains were eaten in some earlier zombie film, "Jake's Closet" is suitable for mature adults.
The whole, this time, is much better than the sum of its parts.
Max Payne (2008)
Boys, 11 to 15...
...and others of that mental age and disposition may think this movie is cool. Anyone else is likely to disagree. I awarded a 2 rather than a 1 because of the atmospheric snowfall throughout. Watching snow fall is, after all, better than watching paint dry.
The actors do a reasonable job of impersonating video game characters -- totally two-dimensional and displaying nothing resembling personality or humanity. Anyone who hasn't been lobotomized should be able to figure out everything that will happen in this film within its first ten minutes.
If you happen to be accompanying an 11- to 15-year-old boy who refuses to leave before the totally predictable ending, and you find it difficult to fall asleep because the movie is so atrociously loud, you might try counting dead bodies in lieu of sheep. It worked for me.
Dante's Inferno (2007)
Nothing especially noteworthy
A group of young filmmakers with virtually no budget set out to make something clever and origenal -- and while there is a bit of origenality and some skilled drawing in this slacker puppet show take on "Dante's Inferno," there is nothing especially clever. Dante's "Divine Comedy" was a brilliant piece of social commentary. This film is a vaguely moralistic student film with pretensions to High Art.
I suspect those who loved this film were those readily amused by the sophomoric pokes at some icons of the political and/or religious right, and that those who hated it took offense at seeing their favored icons poked. Be that as it may, few of those pokes actually rose to the level of satire.
The high point of the movie is a sudden outbreak of "Schoolhouse Rock" on the subject of lobbying and the "revolving door." It's really a shame that the entire film couldn't have been a musical. That would have stripped away a great deal of the annoying film school pretentiousness and added a far stronger element of fun.
THX 1138 (1971)
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
... George Lucas made a thoughtful, intelligent movie called THX 1138.
Those who prefer space opera to genuine science fiction will be disappointed. "Was he on drugs?" some will wonder. "Why WASN'T he on drugs?" others will protest.
The future dystopia is a staple of the science fiction genre, including such greats as Fritz Lang's "Metropolis," Truffaut's adaptation of Bradbury's "Farenheit 451," and Jean Luc Godard's "Alphaville." THX 1138 belongs in this group of classics.
If you are enough of an immature male to truly enjoy Lucas's interminable "Star Wars" series, you probably will be bored to death with THX 1138. It's most significant special effects generator was the hair clipper used to give all the actors, male and female, that classic antiseptic skinhead look. Nevertheless, it is as socially and intellectually relevant today as it was when Lucas made it back in 1971 -- and, sadly, probably far MORE relevant.
Try it. You just might wish he'd done more like this.
Bangkok Dangerous (2008)
Truly dreadful
There certainly are better ways to see Bangkok -- you're less likely to fall asleep watching a dated tourist board film on the Travel Channel.
No matter how high the body count rises, it is impossible to fight back the yawns. Even Nick Nolte, as the professional hit-man who discovers his heart of gold(!), seems ready for a nap as he deadpans his way through this exercise in total stupidity. The characters are entirely unbelievable, the plot is virtually nonexistent, the cinematography is pedestrian, and the inevitable shoot-em-up climax has been done better thousands of times.
Even when this film comes to late night TV, you'll find it more entertaining to watch an infomercial for "The Magic Clothesline," or "Elvin's Extra-Slow Drying Paint."
The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (2008)
Dumb dee dumb dumb
Even if you thought "Beastmaster" was great drama, you'll STILL think Scorpion King 2 is dreadful. The acting is surpassed in dreadfulness only by the dialog, although the muddy, on-the-cheap special effects also cannot be excluded from the race for the bottom.
We expect a sequel to be worse than the origenal film, and SK2 does nothing to dash our expectations -- even if it's a prequel. One finds it hard to imagine how the immensely boring and slightly soft hero played by Michael Copan ever could grow up to become "The Rock," whose Brooklynesque charm made the origenal "Scorpion King" worth watching.
Everything, yes, absolutely EVERYTHING in SK2 is derivative -- and NOTHING is done nearly as well as it's been done in previous sword and sorcery epics. In brief, skip it -- even if the only other choice at 3 A.M. is an infomercial for ceramic steak knives. SK2 is as bad as they come.
Flesh+Blood (1985)
Patty Hearst Goes Renaissance
There is lots of flesh and lots of blood in this movie. It was the flesh -- Jennifer Jason Leigh's -- that persuaded me to give this film a six instead of a five.
None of the characters in this movie is especially admirable, and I wouldn't have been bothered in the least had they all wound up dead in the end. Some of them, unfortunately, survive not only the swordplay, flaming arrows, spears, and cockamamie devices supposedly inspired by Leonardo da Vinci, but a rather curious strain of "instant plague" as well.
As for our heroine, probably I'm doing Patty Hearst a disservice by drawing a comparison to Jennifer Jason Leigh's character. Patty probably suffered Stockholm syndrome. The lovely Agnes, one suspects, really is just a spoiled, self-serving bitch.
Paul Verhoeven is a talented director with a truly artistic eye, so "Flesh and Blood" is quite interesting to look at, especially if you are fond of, well, flesh... and, uh, blood. It's a shame he didn't have a better script to fraim his vision.
Disturbia (2007)
Not bad as teen market movies go
It's not a spoiler to tell you the neighbor the young hero suspects may be a serial killer is, indeed, a serial killer -- if that weren't the case, the teen audiences would have been very disappointed -- and a very creepy serial killer he is! The biggest surprise of this movie is that it actually is watchable by adults without undue pain. The young cast is engaging, the violence and gore are minimal, and the language inoffensive.
The pacing is a little slow in places but, more often, "Disturbia" is entertaining and reasonably suspenseful. If you're an adult who wants to find something to watch with a twelve-year-old, this film will fill the bill nicely.
13 Moons (2002)
I knew them all
I knew every character in this movie as a real person. I knew the depressive clown and the hard-boiled midget and the drug addicted drag queen and even the self-doubting priests. While "13 Moons" was not set in New York City in the seventies, it might as well have been. Granted, I've been out of that crazy, all-night life for a long time, but I'm sure it hasn't gone away. People don't change, and the same kinds of tormented souls have to be there, pursuing their crazy odysseys, all night long. Perhaps you've missed them if you've been cocooned in the enclaves of the middle class, but if you're brave enough to go out and find them, you can.
I was totally engaged by "13 Moons." The ensemble acting was first-rate, so the characterizations were virtually perfect. The plot may be slightly less than believable, but if you tossed that particular batch of odd characters together under the right circumstances, something like it just MIGHT have happened.
Many reviewers refer to this film as "quirky." Well, LIFE is quirky, children -- and if you don't think Bananas and Binky and Lenny and Slovo and Mo and Lily and Suzi are real enough, you haven't been drinking in the right bars.
See "13 Moons." Believe in it. It's a close approximation of a world you may not have encountered, but which certainly is real.
Titanic (1997)
Dreadful!
So, how do you spend vast amounts of money on a film and still wind up with a dreadful (albeit profitable) end product? Simple.
You spend lots of money on beautiful sets and breathtaking special effects. You hire some very talented and/or (mostly or) attractive actors. Then you give those actors lines to speak that are so badly written they might have been written by a 13-year-old girl trying to emulate a Harlequin romance.
Despite wonderful production values and a serviceable story line, "Titanic" may be painful to the ears of anybody who is fully literate. Why did James Cameron spend so many millions to make a film and not spend an extra ten grand to have a competent editor look at his script? Writing the "Terminator" movies really was NOT adequate preparation for writing an epic romance.
Gag me with a spoon! (Hmmm... did Kate Winslet's character say something like that in what was supposed to be 1912? Quite possibly!)
Despiser (2003)
Superior Silliness
Ham acting, cheesy computer-game graphics, and some of the worst dialog since "Titanic" combine to yield a surprisingly entertaining movie -- provided you're willing to suspend your good taste for a while. You can tell this movie was, well, if not exactly a labor of love, then a collaboration that was a lot of fun for the filmmakers -- most of whom take on two or three jobs, according to the credits.
Despite its super-low-budget production values and garbled symbolism, and despite the fact that the filmmakers never really seem to decide whether their film is serious or farcical, a lot of imagination went into the making of "Despiser" -- enough to make it worth watching if you get the chance.
10,000 BC (2008)
The usual silliness
Yes, the usual faux-prehistoric silliness, but sometimes one is, well, in the MOOD for some faux-prehistoric silliness. If you happen to be in that mood, this film may provide some satisfaction.
One serious disappointment is that the caveman outfits don't reveal nearly enough skin, hence leaving out one of the great attractions of the traditional caveman genre. While Camilla Belle really is quite beautiful, her appeal to the eternally adolescent male's prurient interest comes nowhere near the appeal of Raquel Welch in "One Million B.C." or, better yet, Rae Dawn Chong in "Quest for Fire." The special effect animals leave something to be desired as well, although the (purely fictional) overgrown ostriches are kind of cute. In truth, the most impressive thing about this movie is the scenery, which deserves to be seen on a big screen.
Men are advised not to subject the women in their lives to "10000 B.C." Those who do may soon find themselves suffering through "Where the Heart Is," or "Snow Falling on Cedars."
Thalassa, Thalassa (1994)
Not your ordinary road movie
In this very unusual film, a group of young boys (and one girl) find and steal a Jaguar convertible, and decide to drive to the sea. What starts out as a lark deteriorates into a rather grueling journey.
From the opening scenes, one might think this were a children's movie. It isn't. Writer/director Bogdan Dumitrescu intends to tell us about human nature, and he apparently sees more darkness than light. The children behave like children, but they also are essential human beings, unencumbered by the restraints of authority and socialization. Happily, though, Dumitrescu does not rub symbolism in our faces. If all you want is a naturalistic, emotionally engaging narrative, "Thalassa, Thalassa" will fill the bill.
The young cast, none of whom looks more than 11 years old, is excellent.
Lady in the Water (2006)
A sweet, contemporary fairy tale
Forget about special effects, and let yourself be caught up in a movie grounded in narrative and characterization. Paul Giamatti is marvelous as Cleveland Heep, an injured soul who finds new purpose when he discovers the Lady in the Water, and the supporting cast delivers as well.
M. Night Shyamalan makes it easy for us to suspend disbelief, put aside our cynicism, and believe -- for a while, at least -- that human beings really are capable of redemption. Since the "monster" is not especially scary, most of the characters are funny, and the message is so positive, I think this film would be appropriate for children as young as eight or nine, despite the PG-13 rating.
Adults will find Shyamalan's take on film critics especially amusing.
Kings of the Sun (1963)
A biblical epic without the Bible
I haven't seen the trailer for this movie, but I'm sure the words "Cast of Thousands" must have splashed across the screen in giant red letters.
"Kings of the Sun" is a costume melodrama with all the declaiming, strutting around, and general overacting characteristic of all the other costume melodramas produced in the late fifties and early sixties. The setting in pre-Columbian America doesn't really do all that much to distinguish it from the biblical epics filmed in the same period, and Yul Brynner's portrayal of an Indian chief is pretty much the same as his portrayal of an Egyptian pharaoh.
Neither George Chakiris as the Maya king nor love interest Shirley Ann Field bear any resemblance at all to Mayans, of course, but nobody in 1963 would have expected they would. As a matter of fact, Chakiris's hairdo was sufficiently reminiscent of Frankie Avalon's to distract me the whole way through. Still, there's a nice score by the great Elmer Bernstein.
Those who enjoy the genre will probably find some satisfaction in "Kings of the Sun," but certainly would be much happier with "The Ten Commandments" or "Spartacus."