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Monstrum vermiculatum volatile

E Vicipaedia
Monstrum ipsissimum.
Monstrum vermiculatum volatile.

Monstrum vermiculatum volatile[1] (Anglice: The Flying Spaghetti Monster) est numen et deus pastafarismi.[2]

Pastafarismus anno 2005 a Roberto Henderson propositus est ut reductio ad absurdum contra consilium collegii educationis Kansiensis, quod doctrinam consilii intelligentiae in scholis quasi optio evolutioni alternata mandavit doceri.

In nuntio aperto[3] ad Collegium educationis Kansiense, Henderson dixit alias versiones consilii intelligentiae docendas cum Christiana. Etiam adfirmavit fidem in deo nomine Macaronoteras Volatile. Deinde postulavit religionem Pastafarismus doceri cum consilio intelligentiae, plane consilium inridens.[4] Fideles se nominant Pastafarianos, verba pasta cum Rastafarian miscentes.

Evangelium secundum Robertum

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Decembri 2005, Robertus Henderson accepit $80,000 capitali ut scriberet Evangelium Macaronateratos Volatilis. Henderson se dixit in animo habuisse quapiam libri lucra impendere ad navem Piraticam aedificandam, qua mundi oceanos circumnaviget, paganos in Pastafarismum convertens (lege de Piratis in Pastafarismo subter).[5] Evangelium datum est luci die 28 Martii 2006 (ISBN 0-8129-7656-8).

Sententiae canonicae

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Henderson proposuit has sententias contra multa argumenta consilii intelligentiae.[6] Hae sunt sententiae Pastafarismi canonicae[7]:

  • Invisibile et indetectabile Macaronoteras Volatile universum creavit, et montem, arborem, et pumilionem. In imagine, orthographia pumilioni est midgit quod recta orthographia sit midget ; in nuntio autem orthographia est midget, ut fama est error esse parvus.
  • Omnia indicia quae evolutionem sustinet posita est ad Macaronoterato Volatili. Fidem Pastafarianorum probat, videri seniora omnia faciendo (cf. Omphalos).
"For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 11,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how that can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease."
– Robertus Henderson, Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
  1. Cerevisiae vulcani tam longe quam oculi videre possunt
  2. Factoria pro mulieribus se denudentibus[8]
  • Biblia Pastafariana est Canon Laxus. Hic est iocus, verborum lusus: Anglice canon sonat sicut cannon, quae Latine significat "tormentum." "Tormentum laxum" est vir qui nimis saepe sclopetum suum coniecit. Autem Loose Canon significat iura haud graviora. Loco decalogi, octalogum describit : Octo res quas modo mallem ne faceres.
Octalogus totus
Octo res quas modo mallem ne faceres
  1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
  2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
  3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey = Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.
  4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
  5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.
  6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):
    1. Ending Poverty
    2. Curing Diseases
    3. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
      I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.
  1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
  2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot Of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If The Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece Of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.
Quae Latine reddi potest:
  1. Modo Mallem Ne Ageres Sicut Sanctificatem Affectans Plus-Pius-Quam-Te Asisinus Cum Bona Coryllosa Mea Describes. Si Quis In Me Non Credit, Est OK. Dico Animum Meum Humiliorem Esse Superbia. Praeterea, Hoc Non Est De Eis, Noli Rem Mutare.
  2. Modo Mallem Ne Adhiberes Meam Existentiam ut Alios Opprimas, Subiuges, Punias, Evisceres, Et/Aut, Scin Tu, Aliis Viles Sis.
  3. Modo Mallem Ne Preiudicares Alios Ob Vultum, Vel Vestes, Vel Locutionem, Vel, Hem, Modo Iucundus Esto, Benen?. Atat, Et In Capita Dura Tua Accipe: Mulier = Homo Sapiens. Vir = Homo Sapiens. Samey = Samey. Alius Alio Non Superat, Nisi De Modo Conloquamur, Et Me Paenitet, Sed Dedi Illum Mulieribus, Et Viribus Paucis Qui Colores Inter Venetum Et Fuschia Dicernere Possunt.
  4. Modo Mallem Ne Faceres Res Quae Tibi Offendunt, Vel Consentienti Coniugi Tui Satis Aetatis ET Maturitatis. Si Quis Obiectionem Faciat, Credo Locutionem Rectam Esse "Se Futue", Nisi Illud Ipsum Inveniant Offensum, Quo Casu Opportet Televisionem Concludere Et Ambulent Pro Novo.
  5. Modo Mallem Ne Provocares Sententias Aliorum Preidicatas, Mysogynisticas, et Odiosas Cum Stomacho Inano. Ede, Deinde Illigitimos Sequere
  6. Modo Mallem Ne Aedificares Ecclesias/Templa/Meschitam/Delubrum Multorum-Pretio-Milliardorum Dollariorum Pro Mea Bona Coryllosa, Quando Pecunia Melius Impendatur Ad (Selectionem Fac):
  1. Modo Mallem Ne Circumires Hominibus Me Tecum Conloqui Dicens. Non Tam Delectas. Te Praeteri. Et Te Iussi Homines Amare. Suggestionem Num Accipias?
  2. Modo Mallem Ne In Alios Ageres Ut Eos Malis Facere In Te, Si Tibi Placet, Hem, Res Quae Postulant Plura Lubricationem/Scorteum/Las Vegas. Attamen, Si Altero Eadem Res Placet, Deinde (cf #4), Libenter Fac, Picturas Cape, Et Pro Amore Michaelis, CONDOMUM Gere! Vere, Est Lamna Tenuis. Si Involuptatum Id Volebam Esse, Spinos Vel Eodem Modo Addiderim.

Piratae et calefactio mundi

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Ut clare videtur, dum numerus Piratarum sanctorum decrescebat, temperatura augescebat: correlatio autem causam non demonstrat.

Secundum rationem Pastafarianam, piratae erant "corpora omnino caelestia" et re vera primi Pastafariani. Depictus eorum ut fures et delatores est propoganda Christiana mediaevalia. Pastafarismus dicit eos fuisse "amatores pacis, exploratores, et donores fidei" qui dulces liberis dare solebant.

Piratica fuit pars exemplaris in litteris ad collegium Kansiense. Dum numerus Piratarum sanctorum descrescebat, temperatura augescebat cum numero terrae motuum, furicanorum, et aliarum ruinarum naturalium. Henderson arguit diminutionem numeri Pirataram usque ab 1800is causam esse calefactionis mundi.[9] Charta inclusa monstrabat hanc correlationem. Haec est inrisio in modum nonnullorum qui, in fervore et adoratione religioni amatae, vera ignoscunt, et causas falsas faciunt pro phaenominibus observatis.

Plane dicit correlationem non aequare causam.

Notae

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  1. ↑ Haec appellatio a Vicipaediano e lingua indigena in sermonem Latinum conversa est (Anglice: The Flying Spaghetti Monster). Extra Vicipaediam huius locutionis testificatio vix inveniri potest.
  2. ↑ But Is There Intelligent Spaghetti Out There? New York Times 29 Augusti 2005.
  3. ↑ Nuntium apertum ad collegium Educationis Kansiense, Robertus Henderson, 2005.
  4. ↑ Verbatim: Noodle and Balls This, Kansas The Washington Post 28 Augusti 2005.
  5. ↑ Passion of the Spaghetti Monster, Katleen Craig, Wired News, 22 Decembris 2005.
  6. ↑ Touched by His Noodly Appendage, Jessica Thierman, Gelf Magazine. 18 Septembris 2005.
  7. ↑ Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Bobby Henderson. 11 Iunii 2006.
  8. ↑ Enchiridion Pastafarismo, Tim DuBay. 26 Augusti 2006.
  9. ↑ Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Robertus Henderson, 11 Iunii 2006.

Bibliographia

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  1. Henderson, Bobby. 2006. The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Villard Books. ISBN 0-8129-7656-8.

Nexus interni

Nexus externi

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