Sam & Cat
American teen sitcom
Sam & Cat is an American teen sitcom that premiered June 8, 2013, on Nickelodeon and ran until its cancellation on July 17, 2014. It is a spin-off of both iCarly and Victorious.
- Sam: I don't have anywhere I really need to be, and you kinda seem like you need a roommate.
- Cat: Are you saying what I think you're saying?!
- Sam: Yeah.
- Cat: Your gonna stay here with me in L.A. for a while and help me find a roommate?!
- Sam: I already found you a roommate!
- Cat: [throws her money on the couch] Shut up, who is she?!
- Sam: Me!
- Cat: Oh my god! [runs and hugs Sam] This is the best day ever! So much better than yesterday when we were in garbage.
- Sam: Isn't it?
- Taco Truck Owner: Hey! Aren't you Sam from iCarly?
- Sam: Are you a cop?
- Taco Truck Owner: No.
- Sam: Then Yeah, I'm Sam.
- Cat: What if I fall in the toilet and get stuck again?
- Sam: If she gets stuck in the toilet again, would you please text me a pic of that?
- Dice: You look like Sam from that web show iCarly.
- Sam: Nah, that chick is way hotter than me.
- Cat: (giggles) She is Sam!
- Dice: Woah, you're awesome!
- Sam: Yeah.
- [Cat gets into the sofa bed next to Sam]
- Sam: Uh, what are you doing?
- Cat: I'm gonna sleep next to you so you don't get scared.
- Sam: I'm not gonna get scare— Oh, whatever.
- Cat: So, how long you going to be in L.A.?
- Sam: Uh… I don't know.
- Cat: Well, don't you want to get back to Seattle?
- Sam: Eh, I'm in no rush. I mean, my best friend moved to Italy with her dad, and my mom is kind of a nut job.
- Little girl: Can you take Darby? He's heavy! [hands the baby to Cat]
- Cat: No, you guys, I gotta go! Here. [hands the baby to Sam]
- Sam: Woah, I don't want this beast! [places the baby in a flower pot] Oh, yeah, pretty flowers.
- Nona: [inside a sack getting pushed through the front door in a trolley by some young kids] Aah!
- Cat: Nona!
- Sam: Nice sack.
- Sam: What happened to you?
- Nona: Those little demons happened to me!
- Dice: And guess what I got today?
- Cat: Ooh, is it something?
- Dice: I got hair from Will Smith, Katy Perry. I got Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber—
- Cat: How much for the Bieber?!
- Dice: Thirty dollars.
- Cat: I'll take it!
- Sam: Hey! Don't pick up that trash can! There's a girl in there!
- Cat: Oh, my god! [gets tipped out of the trash can into a garbage truck]
- Sam: C'mon, elderlies love living with other elderlies! They eat dinner at four o'clock and talk about pills.
- Cat: [pulls Sam out from inside the sofa bed] That's not how you sleep on a sofa bed.
- Cat: Oh, please! You saved me from being squished in garbage! Let me repay you with the gift of bathing!
- Dice: Save your snot!
- Sam: You're a weird kid!
- Sam: You got another robe I could wear? You know, one that doesn't make me look like a vomiting rainbow.
- Cat: [loudly into a megaphone] I'm stopping my vehicle!
- Cat: Hi! What's wrong?
- Young boy: We can't find our cat.
- Cat: Shut up, my name is Cat!
- Young boy: Can you help us find our cat?
- Sam: How much Bieber did you sniff?!
- Sam: And why is there a battery in my burrito?
- Sam: Let's see. You have red hair and I'm blonde, so I get 130 and you get no-hundred and 20. [gives Cat $20]
- Cat: Ooo, thank you!
- Cat: We have to give him C-3PO!
- Sam: CPR?
- Cat: Okay, we'll try that first!
- Cat: Where's my Nona?!
- Cat: Is it okay if she stays here with us tonight?
- Nona: Hmm…sure. I assume you don't have a prison record. [laughs with Cat]
- Sam: Yeah…you assume that.
- Cat: Who's gonna make me soup?
- Nona: You can learn.
- Cat: I can?
- Nona: Sure, you just open the can, pour it into a bowl, and put it in the microwave.
- Cat: Wait, slow down…
- Cat: You left the baby in the bush!?
- Sam: I'm getting the baby!
- Cat: Bye! [gum falls out of her mouth and into a trash can] Dang it! My gum fell out of my mouth!
- Cat: I'm gonna faint. I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna fuke!
- Sam: How was school?
- Cat: Learn-y.
- Cat: Oh, my gosh, that was so much fun!
- Sam: Not so much for this guy. [picks up a dead rat and throws it away]
- Sam: Hey! Quit sniffing the Biebs.
- Cat: I can't help it! He smells so talented!
- [Cat starts tickling Sam on the motorcycle]
- Sam: Don't tickle me.
- [Cat stops, puts her fingers in Sam's ears]
- Sam: Take your fingers out of my ears.
- [Cats removes fingers, starts drumming on Sam's helmet with her hands]
- Sam: This is gonna be a long ride.
#FavoriteShow [1.02]
edit- Cat: Our first real customer! Now we're professional babysitters! Shh! Just be cool, he doesn't have to know we're new at this.
- Sam: He's three feet away.
- [Cat turns around and the customer waves at her]
- Cat: Woop woop woop! Shh! Be cool!
- Sam: I'll try to control myself.
- Sam: Try to escape, eh? Well, now you go in the hole, see? [eats the bone rib]
- Sam: Okay, Math. Let's see. [looks at the t.v.] Channel two plus channel five equals channel seven.
- Sam: That show was a big hit! What kind of t.v. network cancels a big hit?!
- Cat: It's insane! They're not even gonna do a big final episode!
- Sam: What?!
- Little boy: Can someone read me a story?
- Cat: No.
- Little boy: Is toothpaste a vegetable?
- Sam: No.
- Little boy: Can I jump off the roof?
- Sam & Cat: Yes.
- Sam: Look, on t.v. shows, they don't own a usual pear computer, so they change the pear to a banana.
- Cat: Oh! That's so clever.
- [door bell goes "ding dong"]
- Cat: Ding dong.
- Sam: Why'd you do that?
- Cat: Do what?
- Dice: Aww, you're sweet.
- Sam: [removes Dice's hat, pulls him toward her by his shirt] Never call me sweet.
- Sam: You know what you need?
- Cat: My own unicorn?
#TheBritBrats [1.03]
edit- Ruby: Wait!
- Nona: Yes?
- Gwen: We want to buy that card.
- Cat: But I'm buying it. Here's my $5.
- Gwen: I'll give you $10 for that card.
- Cat: I'll pay you $50 for that card.
- Gwen: $100!
- Cat: $200!
- Nona: [brings her hand up to her heart] Ugh, my pace maker!
- Gwen: Alright, I'll buy that bingo card for $500!
- [everyone in the room gasps]
- Nona: I'm sorry, but I have to sell the card to this little foreign girl.
- Cat: But…but…but…
- Ruby: Yes!
- [the two girls walk off, then they turn around and blow raspberries at Cat]
- Sam: The next number is…G41.
- [everyone awws]
- Gwen: Yes! Look, Ruby, we got another one!
- Ruby: We should go to Vegas!
- Sam: Okay, the next number is… [sarcastically trying to trick everyone, especially the two little girls] …ahh, there's a scratch on this number; I should probably just throw this one in the trash—
- Gwen: Just say the number!
- Ruby: Get on with it!
- Sam: …B7.
- Gwen & Ruby: Bingo!!
- [everyone awws]
- Gwen: We just won a giant television machine!
- Ruby: Wooo!
- Cop: [enters whistling] Okay, this is a raid.
- [everyone gasps]
- Nona: We are being raided?
- Cop: This is an illegal bingo game.
- Sam: Since when is bingo illegal?
- Cop: When you're giving away a prize worth over $2,000.
- Sam: Cat! You're running an illegal bingo game!
- Cat: But it was Nona's idea!
- Nona: I don't even know these girls!
- Cat: That snack…that snack she's eating! Is she eating… [grabs the little girl eating bibble, smells her breath]
- Ruby: Bibble!
- [Cat lets go, walks backwards screaming]
- Gwen: You want some?
- Cat: No! Yes! I mean, how much bibble do you have?!
- Gwen: We brought a big tin jug of it…
- Ruby: …from England.
- [Cat screams, picks up and hugs both of the little girls]
- Cat: I'm baaaaaack!! [runs with her jug of bibble to the kitchen] I got bibble! I got bibble!! I'm back and I got bibble!! Woooooooo!!
- Dice: Did you get my money back?
- Cat: Yes! At first.
- Sam: And then what?
- Cat: And then, they had this big tin jug of bibble which I bought! Where's my spife? [looks and finds her spife] There's my spife! [starts to open the jug of bibble]
- Sam: Wait, how much did you spend on that can?
- Cat: The can was free; I just paid for the bibble inside.
- Dice: How much?
- Cat: $500! Plus my bike! [points at Dice] Don't judge me. [carries on opening the bibble]
- Sam: You gave those little Brit brats all Dice's money?!
- Cat: And my bike! Everybody clear? Everybody up to speed? I hope so 'cause I gotta eat me some bibble! [opens the tin jug to find a load of cotton swabs]
- Cat: Cotton swabs?!
- Cat: I fell off my bike, but I don't think I broke any of my parts.
- Cat: So what do you guys wanna do?
- Gwen: Oh, anything would be lovely.
- Ruby: Lovely.
- Cat: We could make some tea.
- Sam: You could do our laundry.
- Cat: We could play games.
- Sam: You could rub my feet.
- Cat: We could sing songs.
- Sam: While you rub my feet.
- Dice: Those little girls were supposed to sell me five new Pear Phone sixes. And they sold me rocks. Rocks!
- Cat: They're nice rocks.
- Dice: Who cares?
- Cat: Any rock collector would.
- Cat: Is that my toothbrush?
- Sam: Would I have a toothbrush that did this?
- [music starts playing from the toothbrush, Cat starts dancing]
- [doorbell]
- Sam: Here, pick a channel. Nothing educational.
- [the goat changes the t.v. channel; Sam opens the entrance door]
- Sam: Yeah?
- Dilben: Let me in.
- Sam: Why?
- Dilben: Thank you. [watches a goat in the sofa] Ahoy! I knew I smelled an animal.
- Sam: Ahoy?
- Dilben: You're not allowed to have that beast in this building.
- Sam: Why are you wearing a cape?
- Dilben: Because I am.
- Sam: Are you a magician?
- Dilben: No.
- Sam: Superhero?
- Dilben: No. I wear a cape because I like capes.
- Sam: Weirdos like capes.
- Dilben: [shows the printed papers] See this here?
- Sam: No.
- Dilben: This paper.
- Sam: Did something poop on your forehead?
- Dilben: I command you to listen to me!
- [Sam places two donuts on her ears]
- Dilben: This says, "Residents of this building may keep cats or small dogs. No other animals allowed."
- Sam: Are caped weirdos allowed?
- Dilben: You're new to this building, aren't you?
- Sam: Kinda.
- Dilben: Well, I happen to be a big deal around here. And you have one day to get rid of that goat.
- Sam: That's not a goat.
- Dilben: Is, too.
- Sam: It's a cat.
- Dilben: That's a lie.
- Sam: It's a small dog.
- Dilben: Another lie!
- Sam: So you have no friends?
- Dilben: Irrelevant! Sign this, to show that you've been warned about your goat.
- Sam: I'm not signing anything.
- Dilben: You will sign it! Or I won't leave. [the next scene depicts Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, kicked out of the apartment by Sam] How dare you put my shirt around my waist and my pants around my torso!
- Sam: Thanks for stopping by.
- Dilben: You give me back my cape!
- Sam: No.
- Dilben: Why not?!
- Sam: Because young boys shouldn't wear capes. [closes door]
- Dilben: [leaving] Sherlock Holmes wore a cape.
- [someone knocks the door twice]
- Cat: Come in, Dice.
- Dilben: I'm not Dice. I'm—
- Sam: Get out.
- Cat: No. Um, hi, Dilben! Come in. Would you like a muffin?
- Dilben: I spit on your muffins.
- Cat: You should try butter.
- Dilben: Your goat is still here.
- Sam: It's not our goat.
- Cat: We're just babysitting him.
- Dilben: Yeah, right.
- Sam: Hey, you got another cape.
- Dilben: I wanna speak to your grandmother.
- Cat: My Nona?
- Dilben: Get her.
- Sam: She doesn't live here anymore.
- Dilben: Whaaat?
- Cat: She moved to Elderly Acres.
- Sam: Yup.
- Dilben: Interesting. And who else lives here with you two?
- Cat: Nobody.
- Dilben: Delicious.
- Sam: What are you yammin' about?
- Dilben: Building rules! All apartments must have at least one adult resident. And since you're both in high school, and you're keeping a goat! My father has two reasons to throw you out! [tries to leave the house but Sam interrupts him]
- Sam: Dilben.
- Dilben: Yeeees.
- Sam: Before you go… [the next scene shows Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, once again kicked out of the apartment by Sam] Enjoy your Saturday.
- Dilben: I still have one more cape!
- Sam: Suck a truck. [closes door]
- Dilben: [leaving] I will not suck a truck! Or enjoy my Saturday!
- Sam: [opens door] Alright, Dilben, you can have your cape back! [Dilben runs to the door trying to get his cape back] Whoops! [closes the door; Dilben fails and leaves]
- Nona: Call Dr. Stanky.
- Cat: Dr. Stanky!
- Sam: Use your phone.
- Cat: You know what they say, "Easy like a goat."
- Sam: Who says that?
- Cat: The goat keepers?
- [doorbell]
- Cat: Ding dong.
- Sam: Ugh! That's Dilben.
- Cat: Okay, Goomer, are you ready?
- Goomer: Yep. I'm Uncle live here, and I'm you.
- Cat: No! You're our uncle and you live here!
- Goomer: Uncle Fudge.
- Sam and Cat: No!
- Cat: [opens the entrance door] Hi, Dilben. This must be your dad.
- Dilben's father: May we come in?
- Cat: Well, sure.
- Sam: Just get in the shower with the goat and make sure he stays there.
- Dice: I don't wanna get in the shower with a goat!
- Sam: Shower with the goat!
- Dice: Oh!
- Sam: Bleh!
- [Dice runs to the bathroom]
- Dilben's father: So my son tells me that you're living here with a goat.
- Sam: Not anymore.
- Cat: No more goat.
- Dilben: They had a goat.
- Sam: Well, now we don't.
- Cat: Sam!
- Dilben: And they're living here by themselves without a proper grown-up.
- Sam: By ourselves?
- Cat: Uncle Goomer? [Goomer doesn't want to respond as he wishes to be called "Uncle Fudge"]
- Sam: Uncle Fudge?
- Goomer: Oh, hi. I'm their uncle, and I live here.
- Cat: With us.
- Goomer: With them.
- Sam: And he's twenty-seven.
- Cat: Yup, wanna see his I.D.?
- Sam: They don't need to see his I.D.
- Dilben's father: I would like to see his I.D.
- Goomer: Sure, I got it right here in my pants.
- Sam: You don't need to show them your I.D.
- Goomer: Here it is.
- [the goat bleats, runs to the room; Dice runs after it]
- Dice: Murf! Come back here!
- Dilben: Ahoy!
- Dilben's father: That's a goat!
- Sam: Well, thanks for swinging by.
- Dilben's father: Now this says you live in Van Nuys.
- Goomer: Well…I'm so ashamed.
- Dilben: Ha! You girls are outta here.
- Cat: But this is our home!
- Sam: Look if you want us outta here then you're gonna have to call the cops.
- Unknown man: [enters] Dilben? Are you in here? Dilben!
- Dilben: Uh, what?! I've never seen that man before in my life; go away, dad—uh…stranger.
- Sam: Who are you?
- Unknown man: Dilben's father.
- Dilben: No!
- Cat: Well, then who's this man?
- Dilben's fake father: All right then. I can clear this up. [runs out the house, scared]
- Sam: What is going on?
- Cat: This is getting kinda weird.
- Goomer: I'm Uncle Fudge.
- Sam: Shut up.
- Dilben's true father: Has Dilben been telling you that his father owns this building?
- Cat: Uh-huh.
- Sam: Yeah.
- Dilben's true father: Well, I don't.
- Sam: You're really his father?
- Dilben's true father: That's right. He's embarrassed of me because of my job.
- Cat: What's your job?
- Dilben's true father: I sell—
- Dilben: Don't say it!
- Dilben's true father: I sell wide shoes to wide-footed women.
- Dilben: Oh, no! Aaah! [sits on the sofa, embarrassed]
- Sam: Yowza.
- Cat: Why is it such a big deal?
- Dilben: You think it's easy being unlikable and having a dad, who sells wide shoes to wide-footed women?!
- Dilben's true father: You think it's fun for me, having a son who wears capes?!
- Dilben: They're fashionable!
- Sam: Okay, ho ho hold on. So…you're just an annoying kid who lives in this building?
- Dilben's true father: He certainly is.
- Cat: And you just sell wide shoes?
- Dilben's true father: To wide-footed women, yes.
- Sam: Well, since neither of you have any power over us… [the next scene shows Dilben and his true father with their shirts around their waists and their pants over their heads, kicked out of the apartment by Sam] Bye! [closes door]
- Cat: Murf sneezed on Goomer.
- Goomer: Bad dog.
#TextingCompetition [1.05]
edit- Cat: She's always texting me about wazzing.
- Sam: Sometimes while I'm wazzing.
- Mrs. Torso: I thought I told you not to come.
- Sam: You did.
- Mrs. Torso: Then, why are you here?
- Sam: Oh, because we don't care what you say.
- Cat: [laughs] She's so disrespectful!
- Cat: Vice President of what?
- Sam: I think it's the Vice President of America.
- Cat: Oh. Do we know what his name is?
- Sam: Nah, we're just high school students.
- Cat: In school, we learned the ancient Indians used to weave rugs.
- Mrs. Torso: What are you, dumb?
- Sam: Hey! Weave her alone.
- Cat: [Laughs] She is all up in your business!
#BabysitterWar [1.06]
edit- Sam: That red headed girl is done with her food.
- Bugles: Understood! [Takes Cat's food]
- Cat: No! [Angry at Sam] You lied to a robot!
- Cat: Look, there's a naked robot!
- Sam: Where?
#GoomerSitting [1.07]
edit- Cat: It's a machine!
- Sam: Please don't show me what it does.
- Cat: Watch what it does! [flips the switch] See? I flipped the switch, and then the machine flipped it back to its original position.
- Sam: Please don't show me again.
- Cat: Watch again!
- Cat: I want five yo-yos.
- Dice: You can have one yo-yo.
- Cat: Five!
- Dice: Four!
- Cat: Three!
- Dice: Two!
- Cat: One!
- Dice: Okay, one yo-yo.
- Cat: Haha, sucker!
#ToddlerClimbing [1.08]
edit- Sam: We're ceiling inspectors.
- Cat: Here to check your ceiling.
- Sam: It's the overhead kind. Put a check by that.
- Cat: Check by that!
#MommaGoomer [1.09]
edit- Sam:(to Goomer) What do we call your mom?
- Cat: Oh, yeah, what's her last name?
- Goomer: Same as mine: Merr. So just call her Mrs. Merr.
- Sam: Wait, your last name is Merr?
- Goomer: Yeah, my Daddy was French, so my first name is Gieux, and my last name is Merr. See? Gieux Merr.
- Sam: Gieux.
- Cat: Merr. Like what those three wise guys brought baby Jesus.
- Sam: (to Sikowitz) We need to use this classroom.
- Sikowitz: You strike me as pushy.
- Cat: She can be pushy.
- Sam: I can also be punchy and kicky.
Sam and Cat's Super Rockin' Fun Time Babysitting Service
#RevengeOfTheBritBrats [1.11]
edit- Cat: That makes sense, even to me!
- Nona: These pork fingers are so spicy! Oh! My mouth is on fire! Oh!
- Bugles: [sprays Nona with fire extinguisher] Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
#MotorcycleMystery [1.12]
edit- Goomer: Where's your motorcycle?
- Sam: Oh, it's right over—[sees motorcycle is gone]
- Sam: [violently shakes Cat] CAAAAAAAT! WAKE UP! Where is my motorcycle?! WHERE...IS...MY...MOTORCYCLE?!?!
- Cat: Excuse me! I am looking for an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember. Has anyone seen an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember?
#SecretSafe [1.13]
edit- Sam: Anyway, don't look at it like we're babysitting ya. You'll just be, like, crashing here with your two cool teenage buds.
- Cat: Cat and Sam.
- Sam: I don't like it when you say it that way.
- Cat: Sam and Cat.
- Sam: Better.
- Sam: Hello! Dice! You still there? If you let us out now, I promise I won't break both of your legs!
- Cat: Hey, Sam. Try to open the door to the safe so we can get outta here!
- Sam: Wow, why didn't I think of that?
- Goomer: What's the combination?
- Cat: Nine oh two nine one!
- Sam: That's our zip code.
- Cat: Five seven three two
- Sam: That's your phone number.
- Cat: I give up.
#OscarTheOuch [1.14]
edit- Cat: (to Oscar) But babysitting is supposed to make kids happy. Don't you wanna be happy?
- Oscar: I don't know. What's it like?
- Cat: Did you hear that?
- Sam: You hear this? (snores)
- [Whenever he gets injured]
- Oscar: Predicament!
- Mrs. Lurkin: Come on, Oscar. I'm taking you away from these irresponsible girls.
- Oscar: No.
- Mrs. Lurkin: What?
- Oscar: First, you apologize to Sam and Cat.
- Mrs. Lurkin: Apologize? For what?
- Oscar: For shouting at them after they gave me the best day of my life. Yeah, I got hurt, real bad, but for the first time of my life, I actually had fun.
- Cat: We had fun with you too, Oscar.
- Sam: Kinda.
- Mrs. Lurkin: Oscar, what is your point?
- Oscar: That living life trying new things is worth getting a little hurt sometimes.
- Cat: Yeah, haven't you heard the 47 songs about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?
#DollSitting [1.15]
edit- Sam: I don't want to babysit.
- Cat: We're getting paid double.
- Sam: I like this plan.
- Sam: Is there a spell in there that can turn my mom into a woman with a job?
- Peezy B (to Sam): Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's your name, Goldilocks?
- Sam: Puckett.
- Peezy B: Well, guess what, Puckett?
- Sam: What?
- Peezy B: You got swag and you got spunk. You got that swaggy spunk!
#SalmonCat [1.17]
edit- Narrator (on Dice's laptop screen): Heeeeeeeeyyyy kkkkkiiiiiddddssss. It's time for the wet and wacky world of Salmon Cat. Today's episode is about SSSSSHHHHHAAAAAARRRIIIINNNNNNGGGG.
- Sam: [watching Salmon Cat on the screen] Ugh. This is TTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE.
- Cat: [watching Salmon Cat on the screen] Shh! I like it!
- Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen): Meow meow meow meow meow. I've got a whole bag of candy!
- Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen): Oink, oink, oink! Hi there, Salmon Cat!
- Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen): Hi there, Octo Piggy!
- Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen): Can I have some candy?
- Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen): Noooooooooo.
- Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen): But I was hoping you would SSSSSHHHHHHAAAAAARRRREEEE some of your candy with me!
- Sam: [sick of the show] Okay. I can't watch any more of this trash.
#Twinfection [1.18]
edit- Cat: Well, what movie did you see?
- Sam: "Blood Monkeys: Chimpley Strikes Back."
- Cat: [gasps] That's rated R!
- Sam: So?
- Randy: [angrily] That movie messed me up, man!
- Cat: Well, I am really smart.
- Sam: [spits out her drink and laughs] Say that again!
- Cat: I said, "I am really smart".
- Sam: [spits out her drink and laughs again]
- Melanie: Now, why did I have to come here?
- Sam: 'Cause I need to mess with my roommate's head.
- Melanie: Okay...so I'm supposed to be you. [points at Sam]
- Sam: No! You're gonna be evil, insane, wild, and dangerous.
- Melanie: So...you.
- Sam: Me...times a hundred.
- Melanie: Wait, you mean the "twinfection" thing?
- Sam: Uh-huh.
- Melanie: Oh, Sam, you know no one's dumb enough to fall for that.
- Sam: [laughs] Let me tell you a little about my roommate. [smiles]
- Sam: I tricked Cat, I tricked Cat, I'm so cool 'cause I tricked Cat! [Myron and Byron jump up and start dancing] I tricked Cat with my twin sister!
- Cat: What are-
- Sam: Her name is Melanie and she's dancing too!
- Cat: What are they doing here?
- Sam: I don't know!
- Cat: (to Ellie) Let's make a deal. How about we buy you any two desserts you want and you throw Poober in the toilet?
- Sam: Hey, Cat?
- Cat: Hey.
- Sam: How did Ellie know that our money was in the pineapple?
- Cat: [nervously changes the subject] Umm....oh, Spanish Talk Radio! I wonder what they're saying, I'll turn it up. Oh.
- Sam: [turns off the radio]
- Cat: I know I shouldn't have told Ellie about the pineapple, but it seemed like a good move at the time.
- Sam: Dang it, Cat!
#MadAboutShoe [1.20]
edit- Doctor: Nurse, what is your name?
- Sam: Sally Meatballs. [Jumps out window]
- Stacey: I'm suspicious.
- Cat: Officer. Officer. Could you turn on the radio?
- Officer Kelvin: Yeah, sure. Hey, and maybe later, we'll go get some pizza and go to the mall and meet some boys.
- Cat: I think he's being sarcastic.
- Sam: [sarcastic] No!
- Cat: Sam?
- Sam: What?
- Cat: Could you please pull over so I could put on my seat belt?
- Sam: No!
- Sam: Get the keys from the cop?
- Cat: Okay. Which one?
- Sam: The one I'm sitting on!
#Lumpatious [1.22]
edit- Lucas: (to his brother Jepson) Why you got to be so... lumpatious?!
- Woman: Hmm, do you have an appointment?
- Cat: Yeah, I made one online.
- Woman: Cat Valentine and Samantha Pookay?
- Sam: It's Puckett.
- Woman: My screen says Pookay.
- Cat: I'm pretty sure it's Pookay.
- Sam: Shouldn't I know?
- Cat: Yeah, you should!
- Dice: I'm in major trouble here.
- Sam: No, you're not! 'Cause I'm gonna jump the tuna.
- Dice: [grateful] Yes.
- Cat: You promised me you wouldn't.
- Sam: Oh, what do you care? You can't like me very much if you're gonna flirt with my ex-boyfriend right in front of my face.
- Cat: W-well you flirted with Robbie right in front of my face.
- Sam: Oh, you mean like this? Mmm… that was some tasty Robbie.
- Cat: Y'know what? Jump your stupid motorcycle over the tuna fish.
- Freddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounds dangerous.
- Cat: It is… and I don't care what happens to you.
- Cat: I thought you guys were fighting.
- Sam: Why would we be fighting?
- Cat: Well, you're both anti-social misfits, filled with anger and rage.
- Jade: Wait. Is that why you haven't invited me over ever since you moved in?
- Sam: And why you never wanted me to meet her?
- Cat: Yeah.
- Jade: What'd you think would happen?
- Cat: Murder.
- Jade: Do you wanna murder me?
- Sam: No, I'm good.
- Nona: Who are those boys in the water?
- Jade: It's Frobbie! Somebody save Frobbie!
- Freddie: Please don't call us that!
- Cat: [Screams excessively until fainting]
- Robbie: If you love Sam, why have you been going around Los Angeles fadoodling with Cat?
- Freddie: I have not been "fadoodling" with Cat.
- Cat: [Raises hands] You could've if you wanted to!
- Sam: Ah, all right. I'll buy everyone a present for Yay Day.
- Cat: Me too?
- Sam: Swear no snooping?
- Cat: Yes. Cross my bra.
#BrainCrush [1.25]
edit- Sam: Do we have a hammer?
- Cat: No.
- Sam: [begins banging head into the door]
- Cat: Sam, don't do that! Use this.
- Sam: I asked you if we had one of those!
- Cat: You asked me if we had a hammer.
- Sam: Well, what do you call that?
- Cat: A nail banger!
#BlueDogSoda [1.26]
edit- State regulator: What are you two, a couple of dummies? Blue Dog Soda has been banned in California!
- Cat: Banned?!
- Sam: Whaaaaaat?!
- Cat: Why?
- State regulator: 'Cause there's too much sugar in it and thanks to me, the State Bureau of Interference has passed a law: It is now illegal to sell or to drink Blue Dog Soda.
- Sam: That's insane!
- Cat: That's our favorite beverage.
- State regulator: Too bad! Did you know that some people drink 10-12 bottles of this junk per day?
- Cat: Well, we don't!
- Sam: Yeah, but we drink, like, 1 or 2 a week!
- State regulator: Yeah, well, some people drink too much of it.
- Sam: So? Just 'cause some people drink too much of it, now nobody can have any?
- State regulator: That's right! Because the public is too stupid to be trusted with things that they enjoy!
- Chinese Woman: Wǒ bù xǐhuān nǐ shuōhuà de fāngshì! Wánquán bù hélǐ! ("I don't like the way you talk! It's completely unreasonable!")
- State regulator: Shut up!
- Worker Holding Box of Blue Dog: I'll take it myself.
- Another Worker: Hey, watch out!
- (Worker holding box of Blue Dog falls and spills all the Blue Dog)
- Sam: [shrieks]
- State regulator: So, you girls babysit?
- Cat: Yeah.
- Sam: Why, you gonna ban us from babysitting now, too?
- State regulator: Nah. I have a kid, and I don't like him. So, maybe I'll dump him on you two for a while.
- Sam: Pretty soon, we're gonna have all the Blue Dog Soda we want.
- Cat: How?
- Goomer: Harh.
- Sam: I'm makin' it. I went online and did a ton of research, and pretty soon, I'm gonna have the exact formula.
- Sam: We're making Blue Dog Soda as a protest. This is about doing what's right!
- Dice: What do you mean?
- Cat: Well, it's wrong that there are people out there who want to butt into everybody's business and tell us what we can and can't have!
- Sam: Exactly.
- Dice: Okay. So, then, what's the plan here?
- Sam: We make enough Blue Dog Soda for ourselves and to sell to anyone who wants some.
- Sam: [opens the door] It was Cat.
- Cat: SAM!!!
- State regulator: Look, are you two babysitters or not?
- Sam: Listen, buddy, unless you got a warrant, you can't just come in here and b—babysitters?
- State regulator: Yeah. Remember the flier? It said you two babysit.
- Cat: We do.
- State regulator: Good. [to Mitch] Mitch, get in here! [to Sam and Cat] This is my boy, Mitch. And I thought that maybe you two could babysit him for a few hours.
- Sam: Oh, so you came here just 'cause you want us to babysit your kid?
- State regulator: Yeah. And he's not much trouble. He just likes—what d'you like?
- Mitch: Television, football, cheese.
- State regulator: That sort of stuff.
- Mitch: Why can't I just stay with you?
- State regulator: Well, because Daddy has to go find some bad people and put them in jail.
- Cat: What bad people?
- State regulator: Somebody has been making illegal Blue Dog Soda and selling it.
- Sam: No, those "jerks."
- Cat: Yeah, "jerks."
- State regulator: We don't know who it is, yet, but some genius copied the formula.
- Cat (to Sam): Genius.
- State regulator: We're gonna find 'em, we're gonna bust 'em, and we're gonna shut 'em down.
- Sam: Okay.
- Cat: You do that.
- Mitch: How come?
- State regulator: 'Cause sugar is bad.
- Sam: Okay, so, you, uh, gonna shut down the people who make grape juice? 'Cause grape juice has a lot more sugar in it than soda has.
- State regulator: Uh, n-no it doesn't.
- Sam: Yeah, it does.
- Cat: Grape juice has lots more sugar than soda.
- Sam: So, you gonna ban grape juice?
- State regulator: L-look, I am not interested in facts! So, anyway, I'll be back to pick up the kid later.
- Mitch: I love you, Daddy.
- State regulator: Don't embarrass me.
- State regulator: You Blue Dog Soda punks are in serious trouble!
- Sam: Why?
- State regulator: Why?!
- Sam: What's your problem?
- Cat: Yeah, what's wrong with making a tasty soda that everybody loves?
- Dice: Which we wouldn't have had to do if you hadn't banned Blue Dog Soda in the first place!
- Goomer: Has anybody seen the butt-scratcher?
- Cat: What's your problem with Blue Dog?
- State regulator: My problem is that some people drink too much of it and that's not healthy.
- Sam: So? Some people eat too many sandwiches; you gonna ban sandwiches?
- Cat: Oh, and roller coasters! What if a kid decided to ride roller coasters all day long everyday? He'd flunk out of school!
- Dice: You gonna ban roller coasters?
- Sam: And what about sleeping? I mean, if a person sleeps way too long, they're gonna wake up in a pile of their own poop.
- Cat: You gonna ban sleeping?
- Goomer: And pooping?
- Dice: And what about hugs?
- Sam: Right!
- Dice: If you hug someone real tight for too long, you could kill 'em.
- Goomer: That is true.
- Sam: So, maybe you should ban hugging.
- Dice: Why don't you just ban everything?
- Cat: Yeah! Because too much of anything could be bad for you, but it's not fair to punish everybody.
- Sam: Just 'cause some people can't control themselves.
- Goomer: Don't you think people oughta be free to choose?
- Cat: This is America.
- Dice: The 7th-smartest country in the world.
- Sam: And we don't need people like you telling everybody what we can and can't do.
- [the audience cheers. The State Regulator sits down, crying]
- Mitch: Dad, what's wrong?
- State regulator: They're right! I'm so stupid!
- Sam: To Blue Dog!
- Cat: And to freedom! [the quartet celebrates their victory with bottles of Blue Dog Soda]
#BlooperEpisode [1.27]
edit- People: Ariana, will you take our picture?
- Ariana Grande (Cat): Uh… sure. Wait, you don't want me in the picture, right?
- People: No. Oh, no. We want a picture with Jennette.
- Jennette McCurdy (Sam): Oh, yeah. L.O.L.
#FresnoGirl [1.28]
edit- Sam: Did you get a B?
- Kim: [sadly] No. [happily] I got an A!
- Cat: We trickered you into thinking she failed!
- Sam: Ah, so I guess you want money now.
- Matyoo: [laughs] Yes. [picks up Pear Pad] Your total with tax comes to $156.20
- Cat: What?!
- [Sam coughs]
- Matyoo: Is there an issue?
- Cat: $150!?
- Sam: For a doll?!
- Matyoo: For a Fresno Girl doll.
- Sam: My mom's had butt surgery that didn't cost that much!
- Kim: You guys, if it's too much money, you don't have to buy Gabriella for me. I'm used to being disappointed.
#StuckInABox [1.29]
edit- Sam: [walks in the apartment and sees Cat pedaling her bike which is hanging from the ceiling] Whoa! Not the weirdest thing I've ever walked in on here.
- Goomer: [riding Cat's bike that's hanging from the ceiling] Look at me! I'm going nowhere!
- Sam: Yeah, that pretty much sums up your life.
- Sam: (to Dice) Dice, go clean up our kitchen.
- Dice: No!
- Sam: Then why are you here?
#SuperPsycho [1.30]
edit- Cat: Hey! Who wants to try my hot crapple pie?
- Sam: Let's answer together.
- Dice: Let's sing the answer.
- Dice and Sam: [sings] Nobody.
#DroneBabyDrone [1.31]
edit- Nona: Flying robits?!
- Sam: Robits?
- Cat: That's what she calls robots.
- Sam: Why would she call robots robits?
- Dice: 'Cause she's old.
- Nona: [sprays Dice with a hose. She smiles] I may be old, but who's wet?
- Cat: Do you guys hear that?
- Sam: The drone!
- [Everyone runs to the door]
- Cat: I don't see it!
- Sam: Me, neither.
- Dice: Maybe it's coming from the other way.
- [Everyone runs to the other door]
- Cat: Oh, I see it!
- Sam: That's the moon!
- Cat: Dang it!
- Nona: Over there!
- Sam: There it is!
- Cat: OMG! Hi, drone
- Dice: It's so cool
- Sam: Man, it's coming pretty fast.
- Cat: Real fast.
- Nona: Where is it gonna land?
- [Drone smashes through window]
- Cat: It's here!
- Sam: Beef stick.
- Cat: Enormous man's underpants.
- Drone: Thank you for shopping at Zappathon.com.
- Dice: How great is technology?
#FirstClassProblems [1.32]
edit- Sam: Okay, here's your water.
- Kelly: What's this?
- Sam: Oh, it's from France. It's called "Aqua Toilette."
- Philip: France. Merci.
- Cat: "Toilette." That kinda sounds like toilet. [Sam whispers in Cat's ear]
- Cat: Oh, God.
- Cat: Hot rags!
- ID Checker: Shut Up!
- Security Woman: Bags on the belt. Shoes off.
- Cat: Excuse me! I'm assuming those in First Class don't have to take off their shoes.
- Security Woman: Yes, you do.
- Cat: But the floor looks really dirty and sticky.
- Sam: I got this.
- [Sam lifts Cat onto conveyor belt and takes off Cat's shoes]
- Cat: (about Rita Rooney) But-but that's a girl.
- Goomer: Yeah, the meanest girl in the world. She's cruel.
- Dice: Wait, you're saying that the person picking on you is a girl?
- Sam: [pushes him] Shut up.
- Dice: Ow.
#WeStealARockStar [1.34]
edit- Sam: Hey, you! [approaches Brody] Uh, can I borrow your spear gun?
- Brody: I don't know. Are you a fellow spear fisherman?
- Sam: [imitates Brody] No, no! I am a spear fisherwoman!
#GettinWiggy [1.35]
edit- [last lines of the series'YOU'RE THE BEST ROOMMATE EVER DON'T LEAVE PLZ]
- [in Nona's apartment]
- Sam: Hey, Nona. What goes…? Hey, what are you doing?
- Nona: Well, I'm getting ready to go back to Elderly Acres.
- Sam: What? No! What? No. You can't leave! Well, come on! What's for dinner? I mean, let's go, right? Mac and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese, huh?
- Nona: I got a phone call. I can go back now. The funk mites are gone.
- Sam: Well, that's great, but—
- Nona: And Cat's coming home tonight, and she's going to need her bed back.
- Sam: But… but I don't want you to leave!
- Nona: Oh, honey. You'll be all right.
- Sam: [sobs] No, I won't!
- Nona: Sam. [Pearphone rings] I think that's your phone ringing.
- Sam: [answers Pearphone] Who is it?
- Dice: Sam?
- Sam: What do you want?
- Dice: I got good news and bad news.
- Sam: What?
- Dice: Well, the good news is I got the cover of the magazine.
- Sam: Wow. Yeah, great. What's the bad news?
- Dice: One of the other boys is being taken to a scalp hospital.
- Sam: That's it?
- Dice: No, Cat's being arrested.
- [The police puts handcuffs on Cat]
- Cat: I mean, it really looks like a wig.
- Sam: Wait, Cat was really arrested?
- Dice: Yes. You got to get Nona to come to Arizona and bail her out, or else Cat's going to be in jail for 2 weeks.
- Sam: Really? Okay, I'll try to tell Nona if I can. Bye.
- Dice: Bye.
- Nona: Who was that?
- Sam: Oh, that was Dice and Cat.
- Nona: Oh, are they coming back here?
- Sam: Um, no.
- Nona: What's going on?
- Sam: [lying] They decide to stay in Phoenix for 2 more weeks, so Cat says you should stay here and take care of me until she gets back.
- Nona: Really?
- Sam: I promise.
- Nona: Well, I guess I better start dinner then. [laughs]
- Sam: Yep. Yes, you should. [starts lying on the couch]
Cast
edit- Jennette McCurdy as Sam Puckett
- Ariana Grande as Cat Valentine
- Cameron Ocasio as Dice
- Maree Cheatham as Nona
- Zoran Korach as Goomer
