The Looney Tunes Show

The Looney Tunes Show was an American animated sitcom that used to air on Cartoon Network. The show features characters from the Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies theatrical cartoons updated for the 21st century. It is produced by Warner Bros. Animation.

Season 1

Best Friends

Daffy Duck: I did it! I got us on tomorrow's episode of "Besties!"

Bugs Bunny: How'd you managed that?

Daffy Duck: There are some things you shouldn't know about me. But you better know everything else.

Bugs Bunny: I'm more concerned with how little you know about me.

Daffy Duck: I know everything about you. Hit me with some questions. Go ahead.

Bugs Bunny: Alright, what's my favorite color?

Daffy Duck: Pass.

Bugs Bunny: What time do I go to bed at night?

Daffy Duck: Pass. Give me something easy.

Bugs Bunny: Fine. When's my birthday?

Daffy Duck: January... February... Septem... December.... Jul... July! July 1st, July 2nd, July 3rd, July 4th. 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th!

Bugs Bunny: 27th.

Daffy Duck: July 27th! Well happy extremely belated birthday, or happy extremely early birthday.

Members Only

Daffy: Bugs Bunny. Dumped. I have been their brother; you will never get over it. Let me buy you some golf clubs! Waiter, bring this man your finest set of golf clubs, and charge it to sixteen to seventy-three!

Walter: Sixteen to seventy-three? That is my membership number! [comes up to Daffy, angrily, and punches him in the face]

Daffy: Sounds like she likes you two going out again?

Bugs: Could you drop that thing on me again?

---

Lola: Wait until you meet Pepe. He is the wedding planner for the R.O.G.O.O.O.C.C.

Bugs: Cannot you people just say country club?

Pepe: Lola, Mon Cheri. [kisses her on both cheeks] And this must be the lucky groom. [kisses Bugs on both cheeks] Mm. So lucky. So, so lucky. Your wedding day is the single most important day of your life. I should know, I have been married seven times. Now, I am seeing an outdoor ceremony. You should feel the beauty of nature embracing you as you walk down the aisle. The smell of honeysuckle kissing your cheeks as you exchange your vows.

Bugs: Ugh.

Pepe: There will not be a dry eye in the house.

Bugs: I will be crying harder than anyone.

Jailbird and Jailbunny

[Bugs and Daffy getting their mug shots]

Guard: Name?

Daffy: Daffy Duck.

Guard: Crime?

Daffy: Contempt of court.

Guard: Name?

Bugs: Bugs Bunny.

Guard: Crime?

Bugs: Well, some might say being too good looking. [Bugs poses as he would for a magazine cover while hip music plays] Nah, I'm just kidding. Contempt of court.

---

Daffy: Can you keep it down?! I'm trying to sleep!

Bugs: Well, I'm trying to read, and it's not easy with you tossing and turning.

Daffy: You think I like having to share a bed with you?

Bugs: At least in prison we weren't chained together. We had a whole cell to enjoy. Oh, cell block #5!

Daffy: Well, you're no picnic, either! You think I enjoy listening to you wax nostalgic about your time in jail? Ha! And by the way, a prison nickname doesn't count, if you give it to yourself, dynamite!

Bugs: You better watch it, Duck, because the fuse just got lit! [flexes his arm with a dynamite stick tattoo; Daffy spits his hand and wipes the tattoo off; gasps] How dare you! No one, and I mean no one, would do something that rude in prison! Now good night, Leopold.

Daffy: Good night, Randy.

Fish and Visitors

Daffy Duck: What have I always say: don’t involve in your neighbor’s business. Before you know it, their business is your business.

Reunion

Daffy Duck: You we’re the President of New Mexico?!

---

[Daffy Duck reads a letter until the Mailman comes by.]

Mailman: Um... What are you doing?

Daffy: [Beat] reading a letter.

Mailman: That's not addressed to you.

Daffy: Oh? Is that a crime?

Mailman: Yes! [snatches the letter away then gives him the mail] This is your mail.

Daffy: Look. [tries to give Mailman the money] here's a twenty-spot if you give me back that letter.

Mailman: Bribing a governor official is also a crime. [the "twenty-dollar money" is revealed to be a paper with crayons drawn in it.] And is this counterfeit money?!

Daffy: What?! You're going to tell me that's a crime, too?! [Gets close to his face] Last time I checked, I was living in America. Ooh! Look over there! [attempts to distract the Mailman to grab the letter only for him to get pepper sprayed. He screams in pain as the Mailman drives away.]

Daffy: SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PEOPLE DO NOT LET ME READ YOUR MAIL?!

Casa De Calma

Bugs: You think I should let that one slide? Yeah! Me neither!

The Foghorn Leghorn Story

Yosemite Sam: Are you tryin' to make me look like a fool?!

Bugs Bunny: You don't need me to make you look like a fool.

Yosemite Sam: You're darn right, I don't!

---

Daffy Duck: Did you just call me a "no rooster?"

Foghorn Leghorn: What are you gonna do about it, huh, son? I say, what are you gonna do about it?

[Daffy viciously punches Foghorn in the face]

Double Date

Tina Russo: [Deadpan] Can I help you?

Daffy Duck: Daffy Duck. I am here to pick up my business cards.

[Tina gets a box of business cards with Daffy’s name and the word wizard]

Bugs Bunny [realizing what he just did]: What just happened?

Porky Pig: I really need to get a girlfriend.

Off Duty Cop

[In a hostage like situation]

Bugs Bunny: [while aiming a pen on Porky's face] I JUST WANT MY SPARGLE!!!!!!

Daffy Duck: [draws out the stapler] Put down the pen!

Bugs Bunny: Put down the stapler or I'll write over the pig's face!!!

Porky Pig: Why does everyone want to write over my face?

Bugs Bunny: [hysterically] Just give me my Spargle!

Daffy Duck: Put down the pen!!!

Porky Pig: That's permanent ink!!!

Bugs Bunny: [more hysterically] I said give me my Spargle!!

Daffy Duck: PUT IT DOWN!!!

Porky Pig: P--Permanent!!!

Bugs Bunny: I'M NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL YOU GIVE ME MY SPARGLE!!!''

Daffy Duck: I SAID "PUT IT DOWN!!!"

Porky Pig: I--It won't come off!

Yosemite Sam: [whistles that stops the commotion] This is a place of business. This are hardworking people who simply want to sell a quality product. What in tarnation is illegal about that?

[FBI agents arrive]

FBI Lead Agent: You're all under arrest.

[All staff make a run for it]

Yosemite Sam: What's going on here?

FBI Lead Agent: This whole operation's a scam. These things were filled with dangerous highly addictive chemicals.

Bugs Bunny: But what about the spargler berries!? [starts crying]

FBI Lead Agent: Somebody get that guy to a doctor.

[The FBI agents wrapped a blanket over Bugs and send him to the hospital]

Yosemite Sam: Am I under arrest? I'm just an innocent sales representative.

FBI Lead Agent: Well, that all depends. Did you know you were selling a dangerous product?

[The FBI Agents starts chasing a naked Yosemite Sam through the hallways]

Daffy Duck: Thanks for helping out, I'll take it from here.

FBI Lead Agent: Who are you?

Daffy Duck: Steve St. James, Off Duty Cop.

FBI Lead Agent: Arrest this one too.

[An FBI Agent handcuffs Daffy]

Daffy Duck: What did I do?

FBI Lead Agent: You've been impersonating a cop and handcuffing people all over town.

Daffy Duck: What about him? He's been impersonating a chauffeur.

FBI Lead Agent: That's not illegal. It's pathetic, but it's not illegal. Get this guy outta my face. [The FBI Agent walks away with Daffy] I'm putting you down as a witness, so I'm gonna need your name too.

Porky Pig: B--Brandon Steel.

FBI Lead Agent: I'm just gonna put "chauffeur".

[Porky sighs]

French Fries

Daffy: Hey, Speedy, Porky finally got a girlfriend.

Speedy: Ooh, good for you, pinky. I thought you were gonna be one of those "always-leaves-alone" guys, who just gets more and more desperate until he alienates the few friends that he has, and then he's just alone. So, what a relief for you. Now when can we meet this new girlfriend?

Porky: Ugh. I don't have a girlfriend.

Speedy: Well, stay in the game, pinky. But, maybe you should think about growing a beard. You got so much…face.

Daffy: That was your exciting news, because you don't have a girlfriend?

Porky: No. I got us playoff tickets.

Bugs: What? How did you get tickets? They've been sold out for weeks!

Porky: My uncle works at the league office.

Bugs: Porky, I can't believe we're going to the playoffs!

Porky: I'm picking up the tickets this afternoon.

---

Daffy: My friendship with Porky is over!

Bugs: What?

Daffy: He ate my french fries!

Bugs: What french fries?

Daffy: The ones that came with my sandwich!

Bugs: He probably thought they were for the table.

Daffy: There were not for the table! They were my fries! They came with my sandwich!

The Shelf

Daffy: The butter is hard! Porky: What? Daffu: I said the butter is hard because somebody failed to lef it soften before serving dinner Porky: I'm sorry i just got so busy with the creme brulee-- Daffy: But you're not too busy to make excuses! Porky: Ow! That hurt! Daffy: I bet it hurt because it's hard! Daffy: Are those store-bough rolls? Porky: Ow! Daffy: Of course you're saying "OW!" They're like rocks

---

[As they enter, Daffy and Speedy were shocked to see the house was destroyed]

Bugs Bunny: [crazed like] I got the shelf up!

The Muh-Muh-Muh-Murder

Mommy help me

Point, Laser Point

Sylvester: What's wrong with me? I can't do anything but think about that red dot!

Season 2

Bobcats on Three!

Daffy: [entering the house] We won again! One more goal, and the bobcats are state champions!

Bugs: Oh, that's great! We should have a party to celebrate. [sits up, revealing to be fully weight gained] What?

Daffy: You look different. Did you get a haircut?

Bugs: No. (I didn't.)

Daffy: Are those new gloves?

Bugs: [looks at his gloves] No. (They're not.)

---

Bugs: You know, if Daffy's team wins, we should celebrate. Have a party at my place tonight.

Porky: Bugs, I don't think I should be your caterer anymore.

Bugs: What?

Porky: Those recipes aren't healthy. No one's supposed to eat that much butter.

Bugs: Aw, come on. What's the big deal?

Porky: I think you're the big deal.

You've Got Hate Mail

Porky: What's with the sunglasses?

Daffy: I'm keeping a low profile.

Witch Hazel: [knocks off Daffy's sunglasses with her wand; annoyed] You got some nerve!

Daffy: What? Because of the email? Because I said you're scary witch? You're not!

---

Speedy: More iced tea?

Daffy: Not too much ice. [Speedy annoyingly pours the tea on him] You're mad? Why are you mad? Because I said calling yourself speedy sounds braggy? It does. I don't call myself handsome.

Speedy: [annoyed] You know what people should call you? Jerk.

Porky: Why is everyone so mad at you?

Daffy: I accidentally sent a mass email spelling out in great detail how I feel about people.

Porky: Ah, who else did you send it to?

Daffy: Everybody. Everyone I've ever interacted with. Everyone who matters to me, who I have a relationship with. Anyone who makes any impression on me at all. So... everybody. Every single person in my life.

Porky: You didn't send it to me.

Dear John

[Bugs is seen driving a boat unaware Lola is right behind him driving a ski boat calling out to him. He finally hears her and looks back and surprised to see her]

Bugs Bunny: Lola?

[He stops his boat causing Lola accidentally crash into the back fly right in. Bugs lifts her up]

Daffy Duck Esquire

Bugs Bunny: [amused at Daffy’s lobster pain] Relatively painless.

Daffy Duck: People need to chill out.

Gribbler's Quest

Daffy: Bag-less, light weight, durable five-year warranty, free ship… Free shipping? Hello, mommy. I think someone just made her way to my cart. Do I wanna proceed to checkout or buy all my items with a simple quick click? Do you have to ask? Quick click. See you babies in three to five business days.

Bugs: [offscreen] Daffy!

[Outside, Bugs and Daffy stand in front of the garage as Bugs opens the garage door and the inside reveals lots of packages]

Daffy: Yeah?

Bugs: What is all this?

Daffy: Stuff I bought on the Internet.

Bugs: How did you pay for it?

Daffy: You don't have to pay for it. You just press quick click.

Bugs: You used my computer! The quick click is connected to my bank account!

Daffy: Oh, that's why it always says, "Thank you for purchase, Mr. Bunny."

Bugs: It's all going back.

Daffy: But I need all this stuff!

Bugs: I think you have a shopping problem.

Daffy: I don't have a shopping problem.

Bugs: Oh, really? A battery operated spaghetti fork?

Daffy: It's the ultimate time saver. Says it right there on the package.

Bugs: It's going back.

---

Bugs: Video games? What are you, nine years old?

Daffy: It's not just any video game, it's the best video game. "Gribbler's Quest 4: Elves VS. Fairies VS. Gribblers." You can play it as an elf or as a fairy. But you have to get to level 15 to be a gribbler.

Bugs: [annoyingly swipes the game console out of his hands] I don't want one more package delivered to this house.

Daffy: Fine. [shouting as Bugs goes inside the house] I would've let you use the toilet paper warmer!

Bugs: [closes the front door and walks into the kitchen] "Elves VS. Fairies VS. Gribblers." [sets the game console down on the table and gets a soda can out from the fridge] What the heck is a gribbler, anyway?

---

Pepe: I know in the past, we've talked a lot about my fear of commitment. Uh, I don't know if this qualifies as a breakthrough or not, uh, but this week, I've decided to try online dating.

Daffy: What is this?

Yosemite Sam: It's a group therapy.

Daffy: What? I don't need group therapy.

Yosemite Sam: Shh!

Therapist: Sam, do you have anything you'd like to share?

Yosemite Sam: I had, uh, I had a setback this week. I shot my dry cleaner.

Pepe: [shocked] Huh?!

Yosemite Sam: Oh, it's just a water pistol, but I-I just kept a-shootin'. I couldn't stop. I just felt so angry.

Therapist: Why were you angry?

Yosemite Sam: They didn't get the stain out of my kerchief.

Therapist: Do you think your anger might have been… misdirected?

Yosemite Sam: Oh, wow. I hadn't thought of that. Well, I wasn't mad at him at all.

Therapist: How do you think you're actually angry with?

Yosemite Sam: It was those kids. I'm mad at all those kids who used to tease me on the playground! It's not my fault I had a mustache in 3rd grade. I just wanted to be like everybody else. [bursts into tears] No one gave me a chance!

Ridiculous Journey

[As the three are stranded in Alaska]

Sylvester: Sufferin' succotash, where are we?

Taz: Ooohh. Cold! Taz hate cold!

Tweety: Oh, what a disastrous place this is! I'm already freezing my tail feathers off! [He touched his tail feather and it falls out]

Sylvester: Don't panic. Maybe I can see home from the top of that mountain.

Tweety: Mountain? You'll be a frozen catsicle before you ever get there.

Sylvester: Look, bird. It's your fault we're in this resulting predicament!

Tweety: My fault? I didn't do nothing!

Sylvester: You tempted me.

Tweety: By taking a bath? You got problems, man! I'm going to find a nice, warm town!

Sylvester: You, beast! Coming with me?

Taz: Taz.

Sylvester: What?

Taz: Name, Taz!

Sylvester: Let's go, Taz. I hope I never see you again, bane of my existence!

Best Friends Redux

[Bugs, Daffy, Porky, and Rodney are all hanging out at Speedy's Pizzariba]

Rodney: Man, Bugs, you haven't changed a bit.

Porky: Eh, so how did you guys meet?

Rodney: Summer camp.

Daffy: Lame.

Bugs: Camp Winninake.

Porky: Camp Winninake? I went to Camp Winninake!

Bugs: Oh, really? I don't remember you there. What cabin were you in? We were Cabin Seven, the Sharks.

Porky: Oh, Cabin Three, the Tadpoles. None of us could swim, so we did a lot of inside activities.

Rodney: Ooh, man, I remember the first day of camp. I didn't even want to get off the bus. But then I met Bugs, and we became best friends.