My father's a Cuban immigrant nuclear engineer who my brothers and I have nicknamed Frank. Because he most resembles Danny Devitos' character in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. You try being raised by him. My mother is a French immigrant, white trash, drug addict who's jailhouse nickname is Mother Goose. True story. They are both somehow still alive and also allowed to vote. Flippin' crazy right?

I began acting professionally at four years old. I always say by choice, but now that I have a four year old daughter. I for sure know that's not true. I began paying my parents rent at seven with the money I received performing on Broadway. Some say Stephen Daldry started my career by first putting me on stage. I say he hasn't cast me since, so he can just suck it.

My 35 year professional acting career can be defined as follows:

Being recognized in an Uber.. While driving someone to the airport.

And a Groundhog Day event of nearly being cast in life changing roles and somehow never crossing that threshold. Susanna Fogel was supposed to film me opposite Evan Rachel Wood and Olivia Thirlby (BOTH! can you believe that? ME??) in one of the best scripts ever written. But the good lord Jesus took away our funding a week before shooting and that butt head never gave it back.

Worst experience in Hollywood was being told by Paul Thomas Anderson's casting director that I was nearly cast in Magnolia when I was a teen. They worried I would grow too much during a 6-8 month shoot because I lied to Paul (and everyone else at that age) and told him I was growing super, duper fast (I talked about how much my joints hurt with all the growth spurts after hearing another kid at school say it. I was desperately insecure about being a ninety pound four foot eleven freshmen in high school). Cassandra said it was okay though, she wanted to make it right and put me in Licorice Pizza! It was 'destiny' she said. It was the height of Covid lock down, I hadn't slept in months because I was a new father, I just discovered my PTSD from complex childhood trauma and I killed myself for a week to directly send her a self tape. ..I got ghosted harder than a scene from Poltergeist. Yucky Hollywood.

The Safdi brother was great and the part was pretty inconsequential anyway. I'm over it. Sorta.

Second worst experience was being told by the producers of The Spectacular Now that I had Robert Downey Jr-like acting chops and that I gave one of the best auditions they'd ever seen. However, I was too old to play the title character. That was nice actually, as they told me that over a super expensive lunch that I didn't have to pay for. The soul crushing experience was that I had to watch my doppelganger Myles Teller do the movie and now I'm the only one on Earth who hasn't seen the new Top Gun.

Best experience as an actor was Werner Herzog, James Cameron and the editor of the Godfather (Walter something I think?) complimenting me for my portrayal as a mentally handicapped hit man in the strangest movie I've ever been a part of. Also, the late great Paul Reubens has sent me a birthday card every year for the last two decades. During a shoot on a Todd Solondz film, we spent a night watching Obama win his first election and I guess it meant a lot to him?

With his passing I will no longer receive that gift, so I'm now considering retirement. Full disclosure, it's actually because my SAG pension would pay me far more than acting has in recent years. Once I know the penalties for early withdrawal I'll make my final decision. If you've read this far.. Thank you. And may the butt head bless your eternal soul.