Summer School (1987)

Francis X. McCarthy: Principal Kelban

Quotes 

• Principal Kelban : Field trips to the beach, drinking on the beach, a bed in your classroom, a screening of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1... quite a summer, Mr. Shoop.

  Shoop : I tried to keep it interesting.

  Phil Gills : I have his dismissal ready for your signature, sir.

  Principal Kelban : Before I sign anything, I understand there are some people waiting to speak on Mr. Shoop's behalf.

  Shoop : Really?

  Principal Kelban : Come in.

  [opens the door to Shoop's students and their parents and guardians] 

  Phil Gills : Mr. Kelban, you're not actually going to listen to these delinquents?

  Principal Kelban : No, I'm going to listen to their parents. I'm Principal Kelban. Is there a spokesperson here?

  Mr. Gremp : I guess I am. I'm Howard Gremp.

  Principal Kelban : You're Chainsaw's father. Interesting boy.

  Mr. Gremp : No, you can say it. He's a lunatic.

  Chainsaw : Dad...

  Mr. Gremp : Six weeks ago, I thought he had the IQ of a salad bar. His only interest in life was to make people sick. If my mother came to dinner, he would give the dog a third eye or an extra leg. Because of him, we stopped having kids. You can imagine the feeling when I saw him studying. The wife and I almost burst into tears.

  Mrs. Frazier : David was doing his homework, too.

  Mr. Gremp : It makes sense, they share the same brain.

  Mrs. Green : Not only did Mr. Shoop get my daughter to read, he taught her to drive.

  Mr. Winchester : He showed Kevin there's more to life than football. I'm not sure I agree, but it's possible.

• Shoop : Denise: no previous test score because you ditched every test, but a 38.

  Mrs. Green : Honey, that's terrific!

  Denise : We'll get 'em next time.

  Shoop : Kevin, from a 48 to a 75!

  Kevin Winchester : Yeah, I'm back on the team!

  [Kevin and his did share football shouts and hug] 

  Shoop : Chainsaw: last score was a 6, this time: 59. Monster comeback! And Dave: from a 26 to a 70.

  Dave : I passed!

  Anna-Maria Mazarelli : You made it!

  Chainsaw : You passed? You passed and I failed, asshole! How could you do that to me?

  Dave : It was an accident. I'll take it again, I can fail, I know it.

  Shoop : Pam went from a 53 to an 82.

  Pam : Was that the highest?

  Shoop : Well, almost. That guy who spent six weeks in the bathroom got a 91. But look, there's more going on here than test scores and grades. You all worked hard and improved.

  Phil Gills : And that's very nice, Mr. Shoop. The point here is that we are here to discuss Mr. Shoop's flagrant violation of school policies.

  Principal Kelban : Hold it, Gills. According to my numbers, the average scores have increased from 28 to 63. That's 125% improvement. Now that's teaching. Mr. Shoop, I'm granting you tenure.

• Phil Gills : This man should not be teaching. The proof is right here in these test results. Look for yourself, Mr. Shoop. Passing is 70; average score here was 63. They failed.

  Shoop : [looks at the results]  That is not true, Mr. Gills.

  Alan Eakian : You mean we passed?

  Shoop : No, not all of you, but that's not what's important here. Larry went from an 18 to a 51!

  Mrs. Kazimias : If I'd only seen you strip a week sooner.

  Shoop : Rhonda: from a 29 to a 43 and she gave birth.

  Mrs. Altobello : Isn't childbirth grounds for a makeup test?

  Principal Kelban : It always has been.

  Chainsaw : This woman thing never fails.

  Shoop : Eakian: a 51 to a 74.

  Alan Eakian : I passed! I am an Eakian, Grams!

  Dave : All right, Eaker!

• Principal Kelban : Good morning, young people. Vice Principal Gills has some words for you. Mr. Gills.

  Phil Gills : Thank you, Principal Kelban. Well, well. I suppose that you all remember the English skills test you took last month?

  Students : No.

  Denise : I had English?

  Dave : Was that the dot-to-dot puzzle?

  Chainsaw : Yeah, that was it, yeah.

  Dave : No, I don't remember.

  Phil Gills : I'm not surprised. All of you failed. However, in accordance with the district's new policies on minimum academic proficiencies, you will all have the opportunity to retake the exam.

  Chainsaw : Oh, joy, I have a boner now.