History is only slightly rewritten: instead of experienced sailors, there are only convicts whose last and only meeting with H2O was their prison diet of bread and water. And Columbus doesn't have his own map.

Christopher Columbus believes he can find an alternative route to the far East and persuades the King and Queen of Spain to finance his expedition. But the Sultan of Turkey, who makes a great deal of money through taxing the merchants who have to pass through his country on the current route, sends his best spy, Fatima, to wreck the trip.—Rhino <rhino@blueyonder.co.uk>

Christopher Columbus (Jim Dale) believes he can find an alternative route to the far East and persuades the King Ferdinand (Leslie Phillips) and Queen of Spain (June Whitfield) to finance his expedition. But the Sultan of Turkey (Rik Mayall), who makes a great deal of money through taxing the merchants who have to pass through his country on the current route, sends his best spy, Fatima (Sara Crowe), to wreck the trip. Fatima is to meet her local contact in Spain Achmed (Alexei Sayle) Mordecai Mendoza (Bernard Cribbins) approaches Columbus as he plans his voyage with a map of an ancient mariner, who had claimed to sail around the world in 207 BC. Mendoza insists that he accompanies Columbus on his voyage & Columbus has to agree as the map is in Hebrew. Countess Esmerelda (Maureen Lipman) is the Spanish's king's favorite mistress whom he bestows with precious gifts. The King is opposed to funding Columbus due to his outrageous terms (10% of all treasures found in Indies), but the Queen nags him into accepting Columbus's terms so that he can keep his mistresses.

Columbus gets his ship "the Santa Maria" but can't find any crew as all are busy taking Hebrews to Morocco (there is a grand inquisition going on in Spain). So, Columbus tricks the Hebrews (who can't afford the ship fare to Morocco), by saying that Santa Maria is a training ship going to Morocco. Meanwhile Fatima tries to steal the Mendoza map from Columbus, to wreck his expedition, but fails repeatedly. King Ferdinand appoints Don Juan Felipe (Richard Wilson) to keep a check on Columbus's expenses. In desperation Columbus resorts to pardoning death row inmates to lure them to join his ship.

Achmed & Fatima too join the ship under disguises. They try their very best to sabotage the voyage, but only end up canceling each other's schemes and plots. The Santa Maria then enters the Bermuda triangle, where it encounters spinning compasses (caused by a ball of chain carried around by a prisoner), a thick fog, and ships abandoned by their crews (which was actually a Spanish frigate, carrying a Duke & Duchess of Spain to the Canary Islands). Columbus's men mistakenly eat the food on the ship & steal the treasury & set fire to the frigate & are captured by the Duke, who orders Columbus to abandon his voyage & take his party to the Canary Islands. The Duchess is travelling to get her daughter married to an old man (for his wealth). Columbus stays the course for the Indies.

The Duchess incites Achmed to arrange a mutiny to force Columbus to travel to the Canary Islands for the wedding. during her attempts at sabotaging Columbus, Fatima falls in love with him. she proclaims the truth to Columbus & he embraces her. Fatima informs Columbus of the mutiny plot. Columbus tells the crew as a young man he was a pirate with untold wealth, which he has hidden away & will share with his shipmates if spared. In the meanwhile, the crew spots lands. Columbus thinks he has reached China, but actually he is in South America. On land, Columbus's party encounters a peaceful south American tribe, whose chief considers the Spanish party primitive.

The chief is aghast that the Spanish only want Gold. His advisers ask him to get rid of the Spanish, but the chief shows them the gold mine, which is forbidden to the Incas by their ancestors. The chief hopes that the Spanish will die in the mines. The Incas stage manage the experience inside the mines, which is solely designed to scare the Spanish off, which they are. After the mine expedition, Columbus begs the Chief to allow him to go back home. The Chief offers him gold in exchange for guns, wine & gunpowder. But the chief gives Columbus fake gold, which he discovers only when he is half back to Spain.

To escape the gallows, Columbus presents the Gold to King Ferdinand & then has his own brother pose as the inquisition and confiscate the Gold as it was acquired from heathens, who were not baptized. King Ferdinand & Queen Isabella can only watch as the gold is taken away in front of their eyes. Columbus disposes off the gold at sea.