The Drew Carey Show (1995–2004)

John Carroll Lynch: Steve Carey

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Mimi kicked Steve out] 

  Drew Carey : So, where are you staying?

  Steve Carey : A hotel.

  Drew Carey : You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.

  Steve Carey : Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.

  Oswald Lee Harvey : Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?

  Steve Carey : Really?

  Lewis Kiniski : Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.

• [Steve and Mimi moved their trailer into Drew's backyard] 

  Drew Carey : I couldn't sleep last night. The rocking trailer kept me up.

  Steve Carey : Oh, sorry.

  Drew Carey : And, then, the screaming started.

  Steve Carey : What was that?

  Drew Carey : That was me, when I realized what was going on in the trailer!

• Steve Carey : Look, dad, this isn't easy for us.

  Drew Carey : Can't you, at least, make an effort?

  George Carey : Now, you listen to me. While most guys were pushing pencils, I was torching commies out of caves in Korea. I've worked at a job I hated for 40 years. I've raised two boys. I'm tired, damn it! I just want to lay there and get mine!

• [Drew's in a coma] 

  Steve Carey : Is he going to live?

  Doctor : Well, he could just wake up, or he'll need a shock to his system.

  Steve Carey : A shock...

  [turns to Mimi] 

  Steve Carey : Honey, this is your department.

• Steve Carey : Bro, I wanted to tell you something for a long time... I play for the other team.

  Lewis Kiniski : I knew it, he's gay.

  Steve Carey : No, I mean the other softball team. And, if you think I'm gay, well... talk to the hand.

  [sticks out his hand] 

  Lewis Kiniski : [to Steve's hand]  Oh, hello.

• Steve Carey : Hey, Mimi, I found something that'll help you get pregnant.

  Drew Carey : [to Steve]  A blindfold for your penis?

• [after losing a bet, Steve has to eat dog food] 

  Steve Carey : I think I'm going to be sick.

  Drew Carey : You put your tongue in Mimi's mouth and this is what makes you sick?

• Steve Carey : Did it ever occur to you, that every time you look at Saturn, there may be another sad and lonely guy looking at you through a telescope?

  Drew Carey : Did it ever occur to you, that you're the only one here who has to wear sunscreen on his head?

• Lewis Kiniski : If we win, you have to name your son after us.

  Steve Carey : And, if I win, you two have to legally change your names to 'Boob 1' and 'Boob 2'

  Lewis Kiniski : That's ridiculous.

  Oswald Lee Harvey : Dibs on 'Boob 1'!

  Lewis Kiniski : Damn!

• Drew Carey : How does a guy keep from doubling over every time he looks at his girlfriend?

  [Drew, Oswald, and Lewis all look at Steve] 

  Steve Carey : That is just rude!

• Steve Carey : It's a boy! We're having a boy!

  [Drew comes in] 

  Mimi Bobeck : Actually, I'm glad it's not a girl. After all, what woman could live up to this beauty?

  Drew Carey : All women, most men and some horses. Good morning.

• [Drew's brother is wearing a dress] 

  Mimi Bobeck : Hey, Drew's brother is all right. Any man who can wear heels like that on ice? Proud to call sister.

  Steve Carey : Sister? That's what they called me at hockey camp.

• [Steve is wearing a dress] 

  Oswald Lee Harvey : Why are you wearing a dress?

  Steve Carey : Why do you take long walks in the park?

  Oswald Lee Harvey : Because it feels good.

  Steve Carey : You should try women's underwear.

• Steve Carey : If there's a bra on the door, don't come in. If there's two bras on the door, get a room. If I were you, I'd get a room.

  Drew Carey : Wow, you dog you. Still a Carey.

  [pauses] 

  Drew Carey : It's a girl, right?

  Steve Carey : Yeah.

  Drew Carey : Still a Carey.

• Drew Carey : Don't you ever wear guy clothes on a date?

  Steve Carey : I wore jeans once, but you know, they were the kind with the zippers on the ankles.