Le Dîner de Cons (1998)
Jacques Villeret: François Pignon
Photos
Quotes
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François Pignon : [after hanging up the phone] It was your sister.
Pierre Brochant : I don't have a sister.
François Pignon : [appears confused] You don't? I said, "Who is this?". She said, "His sister".
Pierre Brochant : [incredously to himself] He called Marlène!
François Pignon : She's not your sister?
Pierre Brochant : Her name is Marlene Hissister!
François Pignon : How could I know? She said, "Marlene, his sister." It's confusing.
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Christine Brochant : Was he taking you to a dinner party?
François Pignon : Yes. Did he mention me?
Christine Brochant : Even if he hadn't, I would have guessed.
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François Pignon : Sometimes I feel like you're really taking me for an imbecile.
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François Pignon : My wife left me.
Pierre Brochant : She did?
François Pignon : For a friend of mine.
Pierre Brochant : Those things happen.
François Pignon : A guy I knew at the Ministry. Not a bad guy. I invited him home. She fell for him. I don't know why, because he's no genius. You know how many matches in this one?
Pierre Brochant : What do you mean, no genius?
François Pignon : The guy she ran off with. What a dumbbell! Come on, say a number.
Pierre Brochant : Dumber than... I mean, you're pretty smart, so how would he rate against you?
François Pignon : Sorry to be so blunt, but he's quite the idiot!
Pierre Brochant : My God!
François Pignon : So?
Pierre Brochant : How could she run off with an idiot?
François Pignon : I agree. He only talks about windsurfing!
Pierre Brochant : Can I meet him?
François Pignon : You like windsurfing?
Pierre Brochant : I love it.
François Pignon : Then you'll love Benjamin! We call him Dumbo. He's in the phone book. Under Benjamin, not Dumbo.
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[last lines]
François Pignon : [repeatedly] I'll call her back, everything will work out!
Pierre Brochant : You idiot! What an idiot!
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François Pignon : You sleep with all your authors?
Pierre Brochant : None of your fucking business.
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Pierre Brochant : So, how are you, Mr. Pignon?
François Pignon : Very well. Thanks.
Pierre Brochant : The message on your machine is so witty.
François Pignon : Really? I wanted it to be original.
Pierre Brochant : I'm still laughing.
François Pignon : Everybody comments on it. Friends ask me to record their messages.
Pierre Brochant : I can see why.
François Pignon : I could do yours...
François Pignon : No need.
François Pignon : It'd take a minute.
Pierre Brochant : No, it's fine as it is, even if it might be a little conservative for you.
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Pierre Brochant : I'm delighted to meet you.
François Pignon : Likewise, Mr. Brochant. Since you called me at the Ministry, I've been walking on air. I thought it was a joke. Did I sound dumb on the phone?
Pierre Brochant : Yes. I mean, no. You were perfect.
François Pignon : A big publisher wanting to do a book on my models, inviting me to dinner... you've changed my life, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : The book project isn't quite final yet.
François Pignon : I brought photos of my finest pieces.
[showing him]
François Pignon : The Eiffel Tower.
Pierre Brochant : Superb.
François Pignon : Took me eight months.
Pierre Brochant : It shows. You do them at night?
François Pignon : And on weekends. Whenever I have time.
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Pierre Brochant : Good evening, Mr. Pignon! Come on in! I can't get up. I twisted my back. We'll have to put off our dinner.
François Pignon : I'm sorry for you. A sore back is no fun.
Pierre Brochant : It's silly. What are you doing next Wednesday?
François Pignon : [thinking] Next Wednesday... . nothing.
Pierre Brochant : My friend's having another dinner. You're invited.
François Pignon : How very nice.
Pierre Brochant : We missed you today. We won't miss you next week.
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Pierre Brochant : My friend Jean Cordier gave me your number. You met him on the train.
François Pignon : Yes, of course.
Pierre Brochant : He said a lot about you. I want to meet you.
François Pignon : To meet me?
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François Pignon : [after Pierre's wife leaves a phone message announcing she's leaving him] I really know what you're going through.
Pierre Brochant : I'd like to be left alone!
François Pignon : I said that when she left me, and I nearly died of grief alone in my own house. Plus, you've got a bad back.
Pierre Brochant : She hasn't left me. She's a bit depressed. She'll be back. Now go home, and good night!
François Pignon : "She'll be back." That's what I said for two years.
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Pierre Brochant : [trying to call Pignon to cancel their dinner] He's out. Holy shit!
Sorbier : What?
Pierre Brochant : His message. He tries to be witty. It's pathetic.
[he redials the number and puts it on speaker phone]
François Pignon : Francois is out, but don't pout! No need to weep, wait for the beep! Your turn to peep!
Pierre Brochant : [hanging up] Isn't he something?
Sorbier : Outstanding, I'd say.
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Pierre Brochant : I'm off to bed. Turn out the lights.
François Pignon : Can't I call my chiropractor buddy?
Pierre Brochant : No!
François Pignon : He's great. And cheap. Know what he charges for house calls?
Pierre Brochant : I'm with Pr. Sorbier of the West Side Hospital. I don't need your buddy!
François Pignon : Yours may be good, but look at you now.
Pierre Brochant : Because you fell on me!
[to himself]
Pierre Brochant : Why do I even argue with this jerk?
François Pignon : You're like a horse that missed a jump. At the track, they'd put you out of your misery.
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François Pignon : [showing Pierre pictures of his matchstick models] So, how many matches?
Pierre Brochant : 2,000?
François Pignon : 346,422!
Pierre Brochant : Wow!
François Pignon : That's not all. How many tubes of glue?
Pierre Brochant : Mr. Pignon?
François Pignon : Yes?
Pierre Brochant : We're going to that dinner!
François Pignon : You can walk?
Pierre Brochant : I'll try. You got a car?
François Pignon : Sure.
Pierre Brochant : If you drive, we'll manage. Help me up.
François Pignon : [doing so] Here we go.
[Pierre groans in pain as he stands up]
François Pignon : You okay? Take it easy. 37!
Pierre Brochant : What?
François Pignon : 37 tubes of glue.
Pierre Brochant : We'll have a wonderful evening, Mr. Pignon.
[they accidentally trip, and Francois lands on top of Pierre]
François Pignon : I'm so sorry. Are you hurt?
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Pierre Brochant : [after injuring his back even more than it already is] Now what?
François Pignon : A chiropractor!
Pierre Brochant : No need.
François Pignon : A buddy of mine. He's great.
Pierre Brochant : I don't need him!
François Pignon : He's the best in Courbevoie.
Pierre Brochant : I don't want him! Go home, I'll be fine.
François Pignon : What about dinner?
Pierre Brochant : It's off. I'm in no shape now!
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François Pignon : Good evening, Mr. Leblanc. George Van Brueghel here. Sorry to bother you so late. I'm a Belgian producer, I just got in from Belgium, and I'm very interested in your novel...
Pierre Brochant : [prompting him] "The Merry-Go-Round".
François Pignon : "The Merry-Go-Round." I'd like to discuss buying the movie rights.
Juste Leblanc : Is this a joke?
François Pignon : Not at all. Why?
Juste Leblanc : Etienne?
François Pignon : What?
Juste Leblanc : Cut it out, I know it's you.
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François Pignon : When you asked about my life, I didn't say "Go to hell." Farewell, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : Leblanc was my best friend. We quarreled two years ago. Okay?
François Pignon : Over what? He made a pass at your wife?
Pierre Brochant : No, I stole her from him. He lived with Christine. She left him for me. They wrote a novel together and brought it to me.
François Pignon : Then what?
Pierre Brochant : I took both the novel and Christine.
François Pignon : All you windsurfers steal your friends' wives?
Pierre Brochant : I'm no windsurfer! Give me a break!
François Pignon : But you told me...
Pierre Brochant : I don't do it enough to swipe my friends'... what am I saying? Is your curiosity satisfied?
François Pignon : Why don't you call him?
Pierre Brochant : Who?
François Pignon : Him. To see if she's with him!
Pierre Brochant : I call and say "Did the woman I stole come back"?
François Pignon : At least you'd know. I called Benjamin and asked, "Have you left with Florence?" He said yes and hung up. At least I knew.
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Pierre Brochant : You came.
Juste Leblanc : I felt bad leaving you alone.
François Pignon : He wasn't alone. I took care of him.
Pierre Brochant : Yes, and now you're leaving!
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François Pignon : Good night, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : Where does he live?
Juste Leblanc : He has a love nest, but as to the address...
François Pignon : Good night, Mr. Leblanc.
Juste Leblanc : Good night. It's very secretive. No one knows it.
François Pignon : Good night, Mr. Brochant!
Pierre Brochant : [irritably] Good night! There must be a way to find it.
François Pignon : Meneaux had a tax audit. Pascal Meneaux, advertising. I've seen his file at the Ministry. My pal's on his case. Meneaux has a love nest, but it's no secret. Not to us, anyway. Good night, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : [to Juste] Get him back in here!
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François Pignon : Marlène Hissister? It's me again. I'm calling to say Mrs. Brochant came home. Yes, a moment ago. She's fine, Mr. Brochant is fine, everybody's fine. His back is sore, but he's taking it better.
Pierre Brochant : Say goodbye!
François Pignon : I'm not really a friend of his. He likes my models. I make matchstick models of engineering feats; the Tancarville Bridge, the Golden Gate Bridge...
Pierre Brochant : She doesn't care!
François Pignon : She's very interested!
Pierre Brochant : Don't tie up my phone line!
François Pignon : Sorry, I have to go now. He needs me, and in his shape, I can't leave him alone.
Pierre Brochant : [frustrated] Oh, my God!
Marlène Sasseur : Alone? His wife isn't back?
François Pignon : What? Sure she's back... but she stepped out. She hasn't walked out, she stepped out... to throw out the garbage.
Pierre Brochant : What is this?
François Pignon : Aries, with Gemini ascending. Aries don't lie. I'm not lying.
Pierre Brochant : Enough!
Marlène Sasseur : I'll be right over.
François Pignon : Hello? She said, "I'll be right over" and hung up.
Pierre Brochant : Give me that phone!
François Pignon : Sorry, I played it too cool. I didn't expect her to be so cunning.
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François Pignon : I saw the light was on and figured you weren't asleep.
Pierre Brochant : You still here?
François Pignon : Thank God I am!
Pierre Brochant : Why?
François Pignon : We had a visitor.
Pierre Brochant : Who?
François Pignon : The nutcase.
Pierre Brochant : Marlene?
François Pignon : She just left. She was about to force your door. You're lucky a guy called Pignon told her "Keep out!".
Pierre Brochant : You got rid of Marlene?
François Pignon : Yes. I don't want to brag, but I was pretty cool. I was sweet, but firm. Got rid of her fast. You won't see her again.
Pierre Brochant : That's good news.
François Pignon : A pity, because she's a real looker.
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François Pignon : Miss Hissister! This is for you. We spoke on the phone. Aries, with Gemini ascending. I dialed your number by mistake. Then I realized you're his girlfriend.
Christine Brochant : His girlfriend?
François Pignon : Yes. Sorry I was a little confusing. But it's very simple. His wife left him, but he doesn't care. He's asleep and can't be disturbed. Got that?
Christine Brochant : Perfectly. I'll have a word with him.
François Pignon : Marlene! May I call you Marlene?
Christine Brochant : Please.
François Pignon : I haven't known him long, but I understand him. So take my advice.
Christine Brochant : I'm listening.
François Pignon : Give it time. His wife just left, so don't rush in. Be the sensuous, amusing mistress you are, all garter belts and champagne. Keep on seeing him three to four times a week, wait for your turn. He'll fall when it's due.
Christine Brochant : He said he saw me three to four times a week?
François Pignon : I felt he'd see you every day if he could. So don't insist. Go home, it's your best move.
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François Pignon : [pretending to be a movie producer] There! We have the rights! And for peanuts, I'd say. He fell for it, he did!
Pierre Brochant : What about my wife?
François Pignon : What?
Pierre Brochant : He forgot about my wife! He yaps for five minutes and forgets about my wife!
François Pignon : [realizing his mistake] I blew it.
Pierre Brochant : This tops my wildest dreams!
François Pignon : Indeed, I blew it.
Pierre Brochant : This is record-breaking!
François Pignon : I'll call back.
Pierre Brochant : Give me that phone!
François Pignon : I'll say, "How can I reach your co-author, Christine Le Guirrec?".
Pierre Brochant : Give me that phone!
François Pignon : Too bad, we were about to find out.
Pierre Brochant : You'll say, "How can I reach your co-author, Christine Le Guirrec"?
François Pignon : And no more.
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Pierre Brochant : [after Pignon inadvertently calls his mistress] If my wife's gone, she'll come running. All I need is a nymphomaniac!
François Pignon : She's a nympho, too? Oh, my!
Pierre Brochant : Stop it, will you? If I call, she'll go on for hours! Tell her my wife's back. Hurry, damn it! My wife's back, everything's well.
François Pignon : Really?
Pierre Brochant : That's what you say!
François Pignon : Right, sorry.
[amused]
François Pignon : Marlene Hissister!
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Pierre Brochant : His name is Juste Leblanc.
François Pignon : [hearing "just Leblanc"] He has no first name?
Pierre Brochant : I told you, Juste Leblanc.
[seeing he doesn't understand]
Pierre Brochant : Leblanc's his last name, Juste is his first name.
François Pignon : Huh.
Pierre Brochant : Mr. Pignon, your first name's Francois.
François Pignon : Yes.
Pierre Brochant : Just think his is Juste.
[seeing he still doesn't understand]
Pierre Brochant : We're wasting time. My wife wrote under her maiden name, Le Guirrec.
François Pignon : She's from Brittany?
Pierre Brochant : Please, stay focused!
François Pignon : Sorry.
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Pierre Brochant : You're a Belgian movie producer, you read "The Merry-Go-Round", and want to buy the movie rights, okay?
François Pignon : Is it a good book?
Pierre Brochant : It's awful. Why?
François Pignon : It bothers me.
Pierre Brochant : Why?
François Pignon : If it's awful, why do I want the movie rights?
Pierre Brochant : Mr. Pignon. You're not a producer, are you?
François Pignon : No.
Pierre Brochant : You're not Belgian, either?
François Pignon : No.
Pierre Brochant : So you're not calling about the book, you're calling about my wife!
François Pignon : That's tricky, but clever as hell!
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Pierre Brochant : We could use the book they wrote. Tell him you're a movie producer. You've read the book and want the movie rights.
François Pignon : Good idea!
Pierre Brochant : Then casually, you ask about his co-author.
François Pignon : What co-author?
Pierre Brochant : My wife! He wrote it with her!
François Pignon : Right. I'm sorry.
Pierre Brochant : [having second thoughts] It'll never work!
François Pignon : It will! It's not easy, but I got it.
Pierre Brochant : Not easy? You're a producer, okay? You have a company in Paris. No, he knows everybody here. Foreign.
François Pignon : American? German?
Pierre Brochant : Belgian! That's it!
François Pignon : Why Belgian?
Pierre Brochant : It suits you.
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François Pignon : I'm not Etienne, I'm a producer from Brussels.
Juste Leblanc : What company?
François Pignon : Sorry?
Juste Leblanc : What's your company called?
François Pignon : [as he makes it up, Pierre face-palms] Flatland Films.
Juste Leblanc : Flatland Films?
François Pignon : A young, but dynamic company, Mr. Leblanc.
Juste Leblanc : And you're interested in my novel?
François Pignon : Very interested.
Juste Leblanc : For a movie or TV?
Pierre Brochant : [prompting him] A movie.
François Pignon : A movie, for the big screen. Not the small box!
Juste Leblanc : I want to do the screenplay myself.
François Pignon : [at Pierre's urging] No problem, Mr. Leblanc. But we're a small company with limited budgets. If you're not too greedy...
Pierre Brochant : What about my wife?
Juste Leblanc : We'll talk money later. When can I meet you, Mr...?
François Pignon : Van Breughel.
Pierre Brochant : [urging him to focus] My wife!
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François Pignon : Sorry to disturb you, it's Van Breughel again.
Juste Leblanc : My agent's on the other line. I'll call you. What's your number?
François Pignon : 01.45.90.56.03.
[Pierre unplugs the phone]
François Pignon : Hello? Hello? He cut me off.
Pierre Brochant : I did, you idiot!
François Pignon : Idiot?
Pierre Brochant : [plugging the phone back in] You gave him my phone number!
François Pignon : Sure, he wants to call me back.
Pierre Brochant : You never stop, do you?
-
Pierre Brochant : You can go now. I need to be alone.
François Pignon : Yes, yes. Can I help you to your room? You can't sleep on the floor!
Pierre Brochant : Get me to the sofa.
François Pignon : [helping him up] Slowly.
Pierre Brochant : Look ahead.
François Pignon : They're all alike, eh?
Pierre Brochant : What?
François Pignon : I gather yours ran off with someone, too.
Pierre Brochant : She ran off with nobody.
François Pignon : Mine ran off with nobody, also, because Benjamin is a nobody. But she still ran off with him!
Pierre Brochant : Hadn't we said goodbye?
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Marlène Sasseur : Hello?
François Pignon : Hello, Pr. Sorbier, please. For Pierre Brochant.
Marlène Sasseur : Pierre Brochant?
François Pignon : Yes. I need the doctor right away.
Marlène Sasseur : There's no doctor here.
François Pignon : Sorry, I dialed a wrong number. I skipped a line. The handwriting's so tiny.
Pierre Brochant : Who cares? Just hang up!
François Pignon : Yes, I'm at his place. Yes, he's here. No, he's in pretty bad shape. He's got a bad back. He can't move, he's spread out on the floor like a sack of potatoes.
Pierre Brochant : Who are you talking to?
François Pignon : Who am I talking to? Really? Then I can tell you he's in very bad shape. His wife left him, too. He's broken, body and soul!
Pierre Brochant : Stop that!
François Pignon : I must go. He's about to lose it. Bye!
-
Juste Leblanc : I've got an idea. Listen to this. We scare Meneaux to make him come clean.
Pierre Brochant : How?
Juste Leblanc : You call and say you know everything, you're coming to wreck his place with three tough guys.
Pierre Brochant : Not bad.
Juste Leblanc : We'll know right away by the way he reacts.
François Pignon : A fine strategy!
Pierre Brochant : I can't call him. He knows my voice!
Juste Leblanc : He knows mine, too.
Lucien Cheval : And mine. I'm with him all day.
François Pignon : [they all turn to look at him] I think I'm going to be needed!
Pierre Brochant : [mortified at the thought] Oh, no!
Juste Leblanc : Only he can do it!
François Pignon : I really feel up to it!
Juste Leblanc : We'll coach him, and he'll do fine.
Pierre Brochant : Just wait and see!
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François Pignon : Lucien, it's Francois!
Lucien Cheval : How's the big Auxerre fan?
François Pignon : I'm no die-hard, and the game's not over!
Lucien Cheval : Not over? You idiot! Two goals down and it's not over? Auxerre is a team of clowns, dickheads, and fuck-offs!
François Pignon : Yeah? Who got slaughtered last week? Up Marseilles' ass, ream it with class!
Lucien Cheval : Go fuck yourself!
François Pignon : You, too!
[hanging up]
François Pignon : What an asshole! Marseilles are turds, Marseilles are turds! Marseilles are turds! He's such a jerk!
[seeing Pierre and Juste's looks]
François Pignon : I'll call him back.
Juste Leblanc : He's in a league of his own.
Pierre Brochant : It's been like this for hours.
-
François Pignon : Brochant knows everything.
Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : What?
François Pignon : He's coming to wreck your place!
Lucien Cheval : Nice going.
Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : Who is this?
François Pignon : A friend of Roussin's. Brochant's coming over, and not alone. He's with three of his toughest pals.
Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : He's crazy! His wife's not here!
François Pignon : You're not with her?
Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : She canceled out.
François Pignon : Roussin said, "He's with Mrs. Brochant."
Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : Not at all. I'm with the wife of the guy who's auditing me!
François Pignon : [they all look at Lucien] What?
Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : The jerk's hounded me for months. I'm screwing his wife, not Mrs. Brochant!
-
Pierre Brochant : Could you get us that address, Francois?
François Pignon : I'd have to call Cheval, and I'd hate to. He's watching football on TV.
[showing them a picture of one of his matchstick models]
François Pignon : An oil derrick.
Juste Leblanc : Superb. Did you see that?
Pierre Brochant : Yes.
François Pignon : Know what I called it? Beau Derrick. After the actress, Bo Derek! Beau Derrick, Bo Derek! We had such a laugh at the office!
Pierre Brochant : My wife is with a deadly sex fiend. Please call Cheval!
François Pignon : Let's wait 'til halftime.
Pierre Brochant : Why?
François Pignon : If the game's dicey, he'll tell me to buzz off. Wait for halftime.
Pierre Brochant : When is that?
François Pignon : Soon. We'd best watch the game. Got a TV?
Pierre Brochant : Not for football games!
François Pignon : It's a big game.
Pierre Brochant : Who cares?
[Juste calms him down]
Pierre Brochant : Sorry. The TV's in the den.
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Pierre Brochant : He tossed out my wife!
François Pignon : I'm really sorry, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : He drove her straight into Meneaux's arms!
François Pignon : Okay, I goofed. But anybody would have made that mistake.
Pierre Brochant : Get out, Mr. Pignon.
Juste Leblanc : No, Pierre. We need him. Call Cheval.
Pierre Brochant : I can't stand him!
François Pignon : I'm really sorry, Mr. Brochant. I wanted to help you so badly.
Juste Leblanc : It's halftime! We must call Cheval!
François Pignon : I'll make it up to you, Mr. Brochant. Tell me to call Cheval.
Juste Leblanc : Think of Christine! We must save her!
-
François Pignon : I'm calling because I need a favor.
Lucien Cheval : Okay, on one condition.
François Pignon : What?
Lucien Cheval : Shout, "Go, Marseilles, go!"
François Pignon : What?
Lucien Cheval : Let me hear you shout, "Go, Marseilles, go!"
Pierre Brochant : [Francois doesn't want to] You must!
Juste Leblanc : [prompting him] "Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go!"
Pierre Brochant , Juste Leblanc : Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go!
François Pignon : I'm doing this for you, Pierre.
[to Lucien as fast as he can]
François Pignon : Go, Marseilles, go.
Lucien Cheval : You must need a big favor.
-
Pierre Brochant : [reluctantly inviting Francois' co-worker over for dinner] We've got time to tape the game for that retard.
François Pignon : Cheval's no retard. He's our best inspector. Let him loose in this apartment, and he'll strip it!
Juste Leblanc : It might not be a good idea to let a tax inspector into your home.
-
Juste Leblanc : What's that wine?
Pierre Brochant : Lafitte Rothschild '78.
Juste Leblanc : Don't serve him such expensive wine!
Pierre Brochant : That's all I have.
Juste Leblanc : No table wine?
Pierre Brochant : No! I've worked like a dog so I wouldn't have to drink cheap wine! I only have great wines! Or water!
Juste Leblanc : Does Cheval know about wines?
François Pignon : You bet he does! You opened a fine bottle. He'll like that!
Juste Leblanc : Hear that? We've got a problem!
Pierre Brochant : I'll solve it. Just you wait.
-
Lucien Cheval : Let's try this omelet.
[taking a bite]
Lucien Cheval : Mm. Mm.
François Pignon : What's wrong?
Lucien Cheval : A masterpiece, Francois!
François Pignon : He's so silly. Thanks, Lucien.
Lucien Cheval : Light, unctuous...
François Pignon : My secret's a few drops of beer in the eggs.
Pierre Brochant : [his patience snapping] The address, damn it!
-
Pierre Brochant : Sit down, Mr. Pignon. Repeat after me, "I'm calling for Mr. Roussin. He's on a plane, but has a message for you."
François Pignon : Okay.
Pierre Brochant : No, repeat it. Pretend I'm Meneaux and repeat what I said.
François Pignon : I've got it!
Pierre Brochant : Please, Mr. Pignon, repeat precisely.
François Pignon : "Hello, I'm calling for Mr. Roussin. He's on a plane, and has a message for you."
Juste Leblanc : Perfect!
Pierre Brochant : Not yet. You add, "Brochant knows everything."
[Francois moves to take the phone]
Pierre Brochant : No, repeat it!
Lucien Cheval : Come on, he's not stupid!
Pierre Brochant : "Brochant knows everything."
François Pignon : [parroting it back] "Brochant knows everything."
Pierre Brochant : Then you say, "He knows about his wife." If Meneaux asks who's speaking, you say, "A friend of Roussin's. Brochant's coming with three pals."
François Pignon : Huh. "He's with three of his toughest pals."
Lucien Cheval : He's talented!
François Pignon : I'm just parroting.
Juste Leblanc : He's excellent.
François Pignon : Could I improvise a bit?
Pierre Brochant : No!
François Pignon : Don't shout. You scared me.
Pierre Brochant : Just stick to what I told you.
-
Juste Leblanc : What are you doing?
Pierre Brochant : I'm putting vinegar in my Lafitte. Now we have cheap wine. There! A wino's delight! Taste it.
Juste Leblanc : You taste it!
François Pignon : [Pierre offers it to him] No, thanks.
Pierre Brochant : [taking a sip himself] Weird. It has more body.
Juste Leblanc : [taking a sip] Damn!
Pierre Brochant : It hasn't ruined it.
[taking another sip]
Pierre Brochant : I'd say it's better.
Juste Leblanc : Definitely.
-
Lucien Cheval : You been attached?
Pierre Brochant : No, why?
Lucien Cheval : Those light patches; pantings have been removed.
François Pignon : He doesn't miss a trick. You're fabulous, Lucien!
Juste Leblanc : You came to help or audit him?
François Pignon : He came to help! Right? Hurry! Poor Mr. Brochant is in a fix!
Lucien Cheval : Yeah, poor Mr. Brochant... sure, Meneaux's quite the jerk, but as we say, "dogs only go for bitches." Here we are. Barrès St. Near the park. 37 Barrès St.
François Pignon : In Neuilly.
Pierre Brochant : Great! I'm off.
Juste Leblanc : Wait, make sure she's there! Don't go 'til you're sure of it.
Lucien Cheval : He won't open the door. He's sneaky.
Pierre Brochant : I'll kick it open.
Juste Leblanc : What if she's not there? Then what?
François Pignon : We could call him.
Pierre Brochant : To ask if my wife's in his bed, snug under his quilt?
-
François Pignon : You're on the Pascal Meneaux case?
Lucien Cheval : Affirmative.
François Pignon : He has a love nest in Paris and I need the address.
Lucien Cheval : [laughing] You're not his type!
François Pignon : What?
Lucien Cheval : He likes big boobs and hates hairy legs!
François Pignon : [laughing, too] He's so funny!
[seeing Pierre and Juste aren't laughing]
François Pignon : It's serious. I need that address.
Lucien Cheval : Why do you need it?
François Pignon : It's for a friend who thinks his wife is there.
Lucien Cheval : At Meneaux's? His wife's there? Poor bastard!
François Pignon : See why I need the address?
Lucien Cheval : You bet! I've watched Meneaux! Any skirt drives him dingo! Talk about a pig!
-
Pierre Brochant : We're in a hurry. You got the address?
François Pignon : He's the man I told you about.
Lucien Cheval : Yes, the...
François Pignon : Right.
Lucien Cheval : [indicating his briefcase] The address is in here. I'm starving.
François Pignon : I made you a nice omelet. You'll love it!
Lucien Cheval : [sitting down] Am I the only one eating?
Pierre Brochant : Yes. So, where's this love nest?
Lucien Cheval : I audited a Michel Brochant three years ago. Are you related?
Pierre Brochant : Could be. Where does he live?
Lucien Cheval : In jail. He got five years. Nice guy. Had a fancy place just like yours that we auctioned off.
[opening his briefcase]
Lucien Cheval : Where's that fuck nest? Let me look through all this stuff. Advertising is quite lucrative. What's your thing, Mr. Brochant?
Pierre Brochant : Publishing.
Lucien Cheval : Very profitable, too.
Pierre Brochant : Please, the address.
-
Pierre Brochant : You told him I was your friend! He wouldn't go to work on me.
François Pignon : Cheval would audit his own mother!
Juste Leblanc : [indicating a painting on the wall] Is that a copy?
François Pignon : If you're clean, if your artworks were declared, you'll be fine. What'll we feed him?
Pierre Brochant : I've got frozen stuff and eggs.
François Pignon : I'll make him a nice omelet!
Pierre Brochant : [moving to take the painting off the wall] Give me a hand.
Juste Leblanc : Watch your back. Where do we put it?
Pierre Brochant : We'll put everything in my room.
[Juste starts laughing]
Pierre Brochant : Stop laughing!
Juste Leblanc : That idiot managed to drive your wife to adultery and to get you audited!
-
Pierre Brochant : [learning Francois kicked Christine out, assuming she was Marlene] What did you say to her?
François Pignon : To whom?
Pierre Brochant : To my wife!
François Pignon : Not a thing.
Pierre Brochant : She comes home, and you chase her away!
François Pignon : I thought she was the nutcase. I thought the nympho dumped her dogs and came to make trouble.
Marlène Sasseur : Who is he talking about?
Pierre Brochant : [coming back, Juste begins laughing again and leaves] Please, go home! I have a serious problem!
Marlène Sasseur : Pierre, listen to me.
Pierre Brochant : Marlene, go away!
Marlène Sasseur : I cram three dogs in my car to come over, and you throw me out?
-
Lucien Cheval : Do I know this poor sap?
François Pignon : I doubt it.
[to Pierre]
François Pignon : Ever had a tax audit?
Pierre Brochant : No.
François Pignon : No. What's the address?
Lucien Cheval : I can't tell you now. I'll get it tomorrow.
Pierre Brochant : That'll be too late!
François Pignon : It's urgent. It's a personal favor. Can you go over to the Ministry now?
Lucien Cheval : Now? What about the game?
François Pignon : Tape it. We'll watch it together.
Lucien Cheval : I'm already taping the ice-skating show for my wife.
Pierre Brochant : We'll tape the game.
François Pignon : We'll tape the game. Go there for me!
Lucien Cheval : You're a pain! I haven't eaten yet!
Pierre Brochant : We'll feed him.
François Pignon : You're invited here.
Lucien Cheval : I don't know your sap!
François Pignon : He's a great guy. Hop over to the Ministry for me.
Lucien Cheval : You're a drag!
François Pignon : I did say, "Go, Marseilles, go!".
Lucien Cheval : What's the address?
-
Pierre Brochant : Francois Pignon, Marlene.
François Pignon : Marlene?
Pierre Brochant : Who did you toss out earlier?
François Pignon : Marlene.
Marlène Sasseur : What?
Pierre Brochant : This is Marlene. Who did you toss out?
[Juste starts laughing]
Pierre Brochant : If this is so funny, get out!
Juste Leblanc : Sorry.
Pierre Brochant : A blonde in a beige raincoat?
François Pignon : You said, "That nut will show up!". A woman shows up, I figure it's the nut!
Marlène Sasseur : What nut?
Juste Leblanc : [laughing harder] I'll be back.
-
François Pignon : [on the phone with Marlene] She's suicidal.
Pierre Brochant : It's blackmail. Where are my keys?
François Pignon : Don't do anything silly! Swear you won't!
Marlène Sasseur : You're nice. But he's a bastard! One hell of a bastard!
François Pignon : Don't say that.
Marlène Sasseur : He's so mean! Even in his way of having fun!
François Pignon : I have to go.
Marlène Sasseur : If he hadn't hurt his back, he'd be making fun of some guy.
François Pignon : What do you mean?
Pierre Brochant : Hang up!
Marlène Sasseur : Didn't he tell you? Every week, they hold a dinner game. They invite idiots and make fun of them all night!
-
François Pignon : My wife left me two years ago. That day, my life was shattered. I survived by making my models, but deep down, I'm still a wreck. I wish that on no one, not even your husband.
Christine Brochant : Is he there?
François Pignon : What?
Christine Brochant : He's feeding you the lines of this moving drama?
François Pignon : Mrs. Brochant, I swear it was my idea to call you. He fed me nothing.
Christine Brochant : Is he beside you?
François Pignon : No, madam, I'm in a phone booth.
Christine Brochant : He doesn't love me. He loves no one.
François Pignon : Mrs. Brochant, for two hours, I saw your husband try to find you. He even called Pascal Meneaux, who was in the arms of a woman who wasn't you.
Christine Brochant : He called Meneaux?
François Pignon : He did. You can't imagine what he did out of love for you. He made up with his best friend, dumped his girlfriend. He even braved a tax inspector! He tidied up his whole life, in an exemplary way. Now he's alone in his big apartment, mixing alcohol and pills. I'm worried about him. I know one can die of love, Mrs. Brochant.
Christine Brochant : I'll think it over. Thanks for calling, Mr. Pignon.
François Pignon : Don't mention it. Goodbye, Mrs. Brochant.
Christine Brochant : Goodbye.
François Pignon : [hanging up] She'll call back.
-
Lucien Cheval : Interesting room.
Pierre Brochant : A storage room, where I keep my old things.
Lucien Cheval : It's awful, but I don't care!
François Pignon : What is?
Lucien Cheval : He's a tax dodger, and I don't care!
François Pignon : Get a hold of yourself. Run home and take a shower. Want the tape of the football game?
Lucien Cheval : I'm in no mood for that. Goodbye, Mr. Leblanc.
Juste Leblanc : Goodbye, Mr. Cheval.
Lucien Cheval : Goodbye Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : Goodbye, Mr. Cheval. Thanks for all your help.
Lucien Cheval : Don't mention it. We'll meet again soon. I'm going to audit you. All this is suspect.
Pierre Brochant : [watching him leave] He recovered pretty fast.
-
Christine Brochant : [in the hospital after a car accident] Who is this?
François Pignon : I'm your husband's idiot.
Christine Brochant : What?
François Pignon : We briefly met. My name's Francois Pignon. I'm your husband's idiot for that dinner.
Christine Brochant : I'm listening.
François Pignon : I just found out why I was invited, and I'm in a state of shock. You were in a crash, and so was I! Hello?
Christine Brochant : Yes, I'm here.
François Pignon : I'm not calling because I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for him. He may not be the meanest of men, but he's the unhappiest. I heard you tell him not to visit you. He was so lost, so miserable, that I forgot I was the idiot and decided to call.
-
Marlène Sasseur : Pierre, it's me. Pierre, I know you're there. You're not being nice. You promised to leave your wife. Look how you treat me now! Answer me! I need you. I'm not well! Pick up the phone! If you don't, I'll do something silly!
François Pignon : [picking up] His wife had an accident. He's at the hospital.
Marlène Sasseur : An accident?
François Pignon : It's not serious, but...
Marlène Sasseur : Serves him right!
François Pignon : Don't say that, Marlene.
Marlène Sasseur : Serves him right! He's mean! His wife's in the hospital, and I'll kill myself!
François Pignon : Don't kill yourself. Try to understand, it's been hell...
Marlène Sasseur : He's a bastard!
[spilling her drink]
Marlène Sasseur : Fuck, my glass... look at that mess. Why did I fall for that bastard?
-
François Pignon : The retard is leaving. But first, answer this: did you invite me to a dinner for idiots, Mr. Brochant?
Pierre Brochant : Look, in one evening, you've avenged all the idiots who ever attended our dinners. Good night, Mr. Pignon.
François Pignon : She's right. You're mean, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : So I'm mean! My wife says it, and everyone agrees; I'm mean. You can put it on my answering machine, "Brochant is a meanie!"
François Pignon : Don't mix sedatives and alcohol.
Pierre Brochant : Why not? It's the moral of the story; Brochant the meanie gets drunk alone in his big place, while nice Pignon goes home saying, "The bastard got punished! Brochant's a meanie, Pignon's a beanie!"
-
François Pignon : What was tonight's dinner for?
Pierre Brochant : For friends who admired your work! Let's go!
François Pignon : Were there other guests?
Pierre Brochant : Let's talk in the elevator.
François Pignon : What kind of guests?
Pierre Brochant : Why these questions?
François Pignon : How do you pick your guests?
Pierre Brochant : Get to the point, Mr. Pignon.
François Pignon : Was I invited to your dinner for idiots, Mr. Brochant?
-
Pierre Brochant : We're going to the next dinner. But this time, you're taking me. And I'll win first prize.
François Pignon : I'm exhausted. Being smart is very tiring.
Pierre Brochant : I'll try it sometime.
François Pignon : Promise me one thing, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : Just ask.
François Pignon : Think twice before you call anyone an idiot.
-
Lucien Cheval : That wine...
Pierre Brochant : It is a bit coarse.
Lucien Cheval : I'm going to puke! The bathroom!
François Pignon : Here, Lucien!
Pierre Brochant : First door on the left!
[leading Lucien to the bathroom, Francois opens the door on the right, and the artwork that Pierre hid falls out]
Pierre Brochant : I said "On the left."
