Bill Murray, Danny Glover, Gene Hackman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Anjelica Huston, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, Jonah Meyerson, and Grant Rosenmeyer in The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

Quotes

The Royal Tenenbaums

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Royal: Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?

[in a hospital ward]
Chas: Why did you try to kill yourself?
Ethel: Don't press him right now.
Richie: I wrote a suicide note.
Chas: You did?
Richie: Yeah. Right after I regained consciousness.
Chas: Can we read it?
Richie: No.
Chas: Can you paraphrase it for us?
Richie: I don't think so.
Chas: Is it dark?
Richie: Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note.

Raleigh: [after reading a private investigator's research on Margot's background, which reveals she's been a smoker since she was 12, she married a man in Jamaica at 19, has had numerous affairs and one-night stands with men and women, including Eli Cash] She smokes.

[Royal motions to Pagoda]
Royal: He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back.
Ari: Who stabbed you?
[Royal motions to Pagoda again]
Royal: He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv.

Royal Tenenbaum's epitaph: Royal O'Reilly Tenenbaum 1932-2001 Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Wreckage Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship

Royal: I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.

[Royal's fake terminal illness has been exposed and he is being thrown out of the house]
Royal: Look, I know I'm going to be the bad guy on this one, but I just want to say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.
Narrator: Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

Chas: I've had a rough year, dad.
Royal: I know you have, Chassie.

Royal: You know, Richie, this illness, this closeness to death... it's had a profound affect on me. I feel like a different person, I really do.
Richie: Dad, you were never dying.
Royal: But I'm going to live.

Eli: I'm not in love with you any more.
Margot: I didn't know you ever were.
Eli: Let's not make this any more difficult than it already is.
Margot: OK.
Eli: OK, what?
Margot: OK, I'm not in love with you either.
Eli: Yes, I know, you're in love with Richie. Which is sick and gross.

Margot: I think we're just gonna to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that, Richie.

Tennis Match Commentator #1: That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenebaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now, Tex Hayward?
Tex Hayward: I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.

Eli: Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't.

Richie: I'm going to kill myself tomorrow.

Eli: I wish you'd've done this for me when I was a kid.
Richie: But you didn't have a drug problem then.
Eli: Yeah, but it still would've meant a lot to me.

Royal: I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.
Henry Sherman: I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.
Royal: Well, I really appreciate that.

Eli: [to Richie] I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum, you know?
Royal: [quietly] Me too. Me too.
Eli: It doesn't mean what it used to though, does it?

Margot: Do you send my mother your clippings and your grades from college?
Eli: Please stop belittling me. You never gave me the time of day til I started getting good reviews.
Margot: Your reviews aren't that good.
Eli: But the sales are.

Medical Student: [about Dudley] Can the boy tell time?
Raleigh: Oh, my Lord, no.

Royal: Let's shag ass.

Margot: [about Richie's suicide attempt] Why'd you do it? Because of me?
Richie: Yeah, but it's not your fault.
Margot: You're not going to do it again, are you?
Richie: I doubt it.
[Margot starts to cry]

Royal: Everyone's against me.
Pagoda: It's your fault, man.
Royal: I know but dammit, I want this family to love me.

Eli: [reading part of his newest novel at a press conference] The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.

Raleigh: [Into tape recorder, softly] Dudley suffers from a rare disorder combining symptoms of amnesia, dyslexia, and color-blindness, with a highly acute sense of hearing.
Dudley Heinsbergen: [from adjoining room] I'm not color blind, am I?
Raleigh: I'm afraid you are.

Narrator: All memory of the brilliance of the young Tenenbaums had been erased by two decades of betrayal, failure and disaster.

Young Chas Tenenbaum: [about Margot's play] Well, what'd you think, Dad?
Royal: Didn't seem believable to me.
[to Eli]
Royal: Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?
Young Richie Tenenbaum: He has permission to sleep over.
Young Chas Tenenbaum: Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed?
Royal: What characters? This is a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.
Young Margot Tenenbaum: Good night, everyone.
Royal: Well, sweetie, don't be mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.
[Margot gets up and gathers her presents just as Ethel comes in with the birthday cake and everyone starts singing Happy Birthday, which trails off as she leaves the room. Ethel glares at Royal]
Narrator: He had not been invited to any of their parties since.

Eli: Did I hit the dog?
Chas: Yeah.
Eli: Is he dead?
Chas: Yeah.
Eli: I need help.

[Richie tells his father Royal he's in love with Margot, his adopted sister]
Royal: Margot Tenenbaum?
Richie: Yeah.
Royal: Well, since when?
Richie: Since always.
Royal: Does she know?
Richie: Uh-huh.
Royal: Well, what does she feel about that?
Richie: I think she feels confused.
Royal: Well, I can understand that, it's probably illegal!
Richie: I don't think so, we're not related by blood.
Royal: That's true. It's still frowned upon. But then, what isn't these days, right?

Raleigh: You don't love me any more, do you?
Margot: I do, kind of. I can't explain it right now.

[Pagoda stabs Royal]
Royal: That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?

Dudley Heinsbergen: [pointing at the battered Gypsy Cab] That cab has a dent in it.

Richie: I have to tell you something...
Margot: What's that?
Richie: I love you.
Margot: I love you, too.

Raleigh: Are you ever coming home?
Margot: Maybe not.
Raleigh: You're joking.
Margot: No.
Raleigh: Well, I want to die.

Royal: Chas has those boys cooped up like a pair of jackrabbits, Ethel.
Ethel: He has his reasons.
Royal: Oh, I know that, but you can't raise boys to be scared of life. You gotta brew some recklessness into them.
Ethel: I think that's terrible advice.
Royal: No, you don't.

Royal: [Points to Henry] He's not your father.
Margot: Neither are you.

[last lines]
[the family is gathered at the cemetery]
Narrator: Among the few possessions he left to his heirs was a set of Encyclopedia Britannica in storage at the Lindbergh Palace Hotel under the names Ari and Uzi Tenenbaum. No-one spoke at the funeral, and Father Petersen's leg had not yet mended, but it was agreed among them that Royal would have found the event to be most satisfactory.
[Chas, now wearing a blac Adidas tracksuit, nods to his sons]
Ari: Fire!
[Ari and Uzi, also in black Adidas tracksuits, fire their air rifles into the air]
Ari: Fire!
[they fire again]

Eli: Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

Eli: I'm worried about you, Richie.
Richie: Why?
Eli: Well, actually, Margot is, for some reason. But I did find it odd when you said you were in love with her. She's married you know.
Richie: Yeah.
Eli: And she's your sister.
Richie: Adopted.

Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?
Margot: 22 years.
Ethel: Well, I think you should quit.

Royal: Got a minute?
Ethel: [startled] What are you doing here?
Royal: Uh, I need a favour. I want to spend some time with you and the children.
Ethel: Are you crazy?
[she carries on walking]
Royal: Well, wait a minute, dammit!
Ethel: Stop following me!
Royal: Well, I want my family back.
Ethel: Well, you can't have it! I'm sorry for you, but it's too late.
Royal: Well, listen... Baby, I'm dying.
[she stops]
Royal: Yeah, I-I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying.
Ethel: What are you talking about? What's happening? Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't know...
[starts crying]
Ethel: Well, what'd they say? What is the prognosis?
Royal: [trying to comfort her] Take it easy, Ethel. Now, hold on, baby, hold on. Hold on, OK?
[she starts wailing]
Ethel: Where is the doctor?
Royal: Well, look, just wait a second now. Wait a second. OK, uh, listen, I'm not dying... but I need some time. A month or so. OK? I want us to-to...
[she slaps him hard]
Ethel: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Are you crazy?
[she walks off]
Royal: Ethel, baby... I am dying.
[she comes back to him]
Ethel: Are you or aren't you?
Royal: What? Dying? Yeah.

Dudley Heinsbergen: You wanna play some word games, or do some experiments on me or anything?
Raleigh: [lying on the couch, depressed after hearing about Margot's adultery] No.

Narrator: Margot Tenenbaum was adopted at age 2. Her father had always noted this when introducing her.
Royal: [at a dinner party] This is my adopted daughter, Margot Tenenbaum.

Eli: What'd you say?
Richie: Hmm?
Eli: What?
Richie: I didn't say anything.
Eli: When? Right now?
[a pause]
Eli: I'm sorry, don't listen to me. I'm on mescaline. I've been spaced out all day.
Richie: Did you say you're on mescaline?
Eli: I did, indeed. Very much so.

[Royal is telling his children that he and their mother are splitting up]
Young Margot Tenenbaum: Is it our fault?
Royal: No, no. Obviously, we made certain sacrifices as a result of having children, but no, Lord, no.
Young Richie Tenenbaum: Then why'd she ask you to leave?
Royal: I don't really know anymore. Maybe, uh, I wasn't as true to her as I could have been.
Young Chas Tenenbaum: Well, she said...
Royal: Let's just drop it, shall we, Chassie?

Peter Bradley: [interviewing Eli Cash on television] Now, your previous novel...
Eli: Yes, Wildcat.
Peter Bradley: Not a success. Why?
Eli: Well... Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular...
[long pause as he starts to become spaced out]
Eli: [whispering] Wildcat... wild... cat... pow... wildcat...
[he gets up]
Eli: I'm gonna go. I'm taking this off and I'm going. Stepping out.
Royal: [watching the television] What the hell kind of way to act is that?
Richie: He's on drugs.

Royal: Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine.

Royal: [about Raleigh] You're two-timing him with that bloodsucker Eli Cash. Now, that's just not right, dammit. You used to be a genius.
Margot: No, I didn't.
Royal: Anyway, that's what they used to say.

Ari: Were you in prison?
Royal: Kinda. Minimum security. I got jacked by the IRS. Shall we split?
Ari: Yes, sir.
Royal: No, call me Mr. Tennenbaum.
Ari: OK.
Royal: Oh, I'm kidding. Call me Pappy.

Royal: Are you trying to steal my woman?
Henry Sherman: I beg your pardon?
Royal: You heard me, Coltrane.
Henry Sherman: Coltrane?
Royal: What?
Henry Sherman: Did you just call me Coltrane?
Royal: No.
Henry Sherman: You didn't?
Royal: No.
Henry Sherman: Okay.
[he turns away]
Royal: But if I did... you wouldn't be able to do anything about it, would you?
Henry Sherman: You don't think so?
Royal: No, I don't.
Henry Sherman: Listen, Royal, if you think you can just march in here...
Royal: You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you never heard!

Richie: Did you tell Margot about that letter I wrote to you?
Eli: Why? Did she mention it? Yes, I did. Why would have she repeated that, I wonder?
Richie: Well, I would ask you the same question.
Eli: Rightly so.

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