Scrubs (2001–2010)

Neil Flynn: Janitor, Wheelchair Guy

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Janitor : What is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool?

• J.D. : Why aren't you using the mop I bought you?

  Janitor : I didn't like it.

  J.D. : But you cried!

  Janitor : No, that was you.

  [drags wet mop over JD's face] 

• J.D. : [after Janitor pops up behind him]  Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time?

  Janitor : I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal.

• [after allowing Dr. Kelso to slip] 

  Janitor : I liked the way blond-hair-doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care about that, do you? No... because you're unconscious.

• Elliot : What are you doing in here?

  Janitor : It's... the men's room.

  Elliot : I know! I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then... tried them, and found them... oddly comfortable...

• J.D. : [thinking]  Then he said something I never expected to hear.

  Janitor : I don't like you.

  J.D. : [thinking]  Not that I totally expected that.

• Dr. Cox : Who're you?

  Janitor : Just a man with a saw.

• J.D. : Can you get that for me? I can't reach it.

  Janitor : Is this some kind of trick to get me off your back? I mean, I owe you one.

  J.D. : No, I really need it.

  Janitor : OK, here you go. You know, you could have just asked me to stop harassing you for about a year.

  J.D. : OK, I want that.

  Janitor : Too late.

• J.D. : You're an actor.

  Janitor : You're a fireman... What are we doing?

• Dr. Cox : I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion, you know?

  Janitor : Look, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone jam around about their lifes, I'd be at my AA meeting now.

  Dr. Cox : Listen there, scrub-brush. It just so happens that this was the only empty seat in the whole joint and besides, as a fellow abusive drinker you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.

• [the Janitor is trying to solve J.D.'s riddle] 

  Janitor : [to himself]  Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels. Come on! You can do this! You went to Harvard, for God's sake!

  Troy : Relax! I figured it out.

  [Troy pushes his solution over to the Janitor] 

  Janitor : Okay... You gave me a penny... and... what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents.

• [Dr. Cox, Turk and J.D. are having very different woman problems] 

  Dr. Cox : I don't know what the hell she wants.

  Chris Turk : I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants.

  J.D. : My peeps are on the frits.

  Dr. Cox : What?

  Chris Turk : Whoa.

  J.D. : No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits...

  Chris Turk : Yeah, right.

  Dr. Cox : God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything.

  Chris Turk : Dude...

  [Dr. Cox and Turk leave, the janitor approaches J.D] 

  Janitor : Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar.

  [empties cup full of pennies on J.D.'s table] 

  Janitor : Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits.

• Janitor : [Dr. Cox took Janitor's camera and ripped out the film]  Hey, all my pictures were in there. Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.

• [while inspecting a suspicious mole on the Janitor's penis] 

  J.D. : Hmm... it looks benign.

  Janitor : Yeah, 'bout nine, nine and half.

• Doug : Hey, Klaus, I got a question for you: why is it in your country that Hamburg and Frankfurt have nothing to do with hamburgers and hot dogs?

  Janitor : [In german voice]  Why is your Lake Titicaca not filled with boobs and poop?

• Janitor : Ok, look. Attention, roof poopers! Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure you all live to regret this day - let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else there is a toilet on the roof...

  [Todd enters] 

  Janitor : ...there is NOT a toilet on the roof!

  Todd : But you just said there was!

  Janitor : No, yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor- that means God is watching us. You heard this... there's a toilet... on the roof. Am I right, people?

  [Bystanders agree] 

  Todd : Cool.

  [Makes cross sign and leaves] 

• Elliot : Thanks again for helping me look for Carla.

  Janitor : No problem. I'll check the dumpster.

  Elliot : ...We're not looking for *dead* Carla.

  Janitor : Atta girl. You stay optimistic.

• J.D. : [Driving circles around The Janitor]  Ring around the janitor, pocket full of...

  Janitor : Pocket full of what

  J.D. : ZANitor

  Janitor : That's not a word

• Dr. Kelso : Perry, what's our plan of attack?

  Dr. Cox : When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation.

  Dr. Kelso : I prefer to create an environment in which the subjects end up crushing themselves.

  Dr. Cox : [intrigued]  Uh-huh.

  Janitor : [while JD is coming up behind the Janitor]  I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them, I'd show you.

  [JD sneaks away while ominous music plays] 

  Janitor : He's near...

• J.D. : Oh my God, the janitor's afraid of Carla! How can I use this to my advantage?

  [Cut to a fantasy where Carla is confronting the janitor] 

  Carla : Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.! Stop accusing him of things he didn't do. And bring him a fruit smoothie every day!

  Janitor : [In Spanish]  Would he like strawberry or banana?

  Carla : [In Spanish]  ... Purple tree car with cheese.

  Janitor : [In Spanish]  LIAR!

  [He removes her mask, revealing J.D] 

  J.D. : Feliz Navidad...

  [He retreats. Cut back to reality] 

  J.D. : I'd have to learn Spanish.

• Janitor : Now, to me, that sounds like your fault... Shocking?

  [J.D. walks away] 

  Janitor : Where ya going? Stay and play!

• Janitor : Door is broke. Fifth time or so it won't open.

  J.D. : Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.

  Janitor : Why a penny?

  J.D. : No reason.

  Janitor : You stick a penny in there?

  J.D. : No, I was just making small talk.

  Janitor : If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

• Janitor : Sorry guys. We won't be going out tonight.

  Ted : Oh man. I ironed my going out hair!

• J.D. : Who put this up?

  Janitor : I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year.

  J.D. : But I've only worked here for three months.

• J.D. : [to Turk]  Okay, fine. Let's just play... Tip Over the Trashcan.

  [He tips over the trashcan] 

  J.D. : Okay, I win.

  Janitor : Can I play?

  [Janitor knocks JD's stack of folders to the floor] 

  Janitor : This is fun.

  J.D. : Yeah.

• Janitor : Hey, Idiot.

  [J.D. turns around] 

  Janitor : Heh. I said idiot and you turned around.

• Janitor : Scooter!

  J.D. : Huh?

  Janitor : Your nickname will be scooter.

  J.D. : I don't get it.

  Janitor : Like Scooter Pies. I *hate* Scooter Pies!

  J.D. : Oh... now I get it.

• Janitor : [Janitor wants to go out with Elliot and asks Ted for advice]  How did you get a girlfriend?

  Ted : I became friends with her best friend.

  Janitor : How'd you do that?

  Ted : I pretended to be her dad and rented her a car.

  Ted : [Janitor looks surprised]  I lost my hair in the 8th grade.

• Janitor : Gentlemen. Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine.

  Randall : Burn down her apartment.

  Troy : I have an idea. But we're going to need a tugboat.

  Janitor : Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys.