Employee of the Month (2004)

Steve Zahn: Jack

Quotes 

• Jack : [after hearing David was fired]  Tell that fuckstick boss of yours to take tomorrow's work day and shove it up his dick!

  David Walsh : I don't even know what that means.

  Jack : He'll know what it means!

• Jack : The... the engagement party! How come you didn't invite me?

  David Walsh : I didn't think you'd come.

  Jack : I wouldn't have.

  David Walsh : Then why are you here?

  Jack : 'Cause you didn't invite me.

  David Walsh : If I knew you're not going to come, why would I bother sending an invitation?

• Jack : Look, there's a reason why I'm your oldest friend in the world.

  David Walsh : I can't seem to remember what it is right now.

  Jack : I tell the truth.

• David Walsh : [about his fiancé]  She loves me.

  Jack : How much of her Kool-Aid did you drink?

• Jack : They don't deserve the steam off your piss!

  David Walsh : Are you smoking crack?

  Jack : No, not... not right now.

• [in the sauna] 

  Jack : You ever watch figure skating, man?

  David Walsh : Please don't talk. I've got a lot on my mind.

  Jack : I'm not into the sushi, but Michelle Kwan...

  David Walsh : What are you doing? Can we just sit here and not talk? Can we do that? Let's just try and do that.

  Jack : ...I'd suck sake out of her ass in front of my grandmother.

• Jack : Betting money on terminal cases? Even Manson would call bullshit on this freak show! Get out of here! God!

  Dorff : Free country! Love it or leave it!

• David Walsh : Jack, you know Eric's gay.

  Jack : Ya, he's here, he's queer, I'm used to it. I have no problems with queers.

  Eric : Well, the community is going to be so thrilled to hear that, Jack.

  Jack : I mean it! I mean, sucking dick, when chicks do it, I not only applaud, I want to watch it. I got, I got three-hour pornos with nothing but wall-to-wall ball to jaw. But when I think about chowing down on some other guys' wrinkled Mr. Lincoln...

  [makes a face and tries to contain his laughter] 

  Eric : Jack, are you a cartoon character? I mean, does someone come to your house every morning and draw you on an easel?

• Eric : Jack, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.

  Jack : Uh... Six.

  Eric : Oh, so close. It was "Go fuck yourself!"

• David Walsh : You just gave a dead woman's bracelet to an eighteen year old stripper who's gonna fuck you in the parking lot while you snort crank off a hunting knife.

  Jack : Your point is?