- Antlers Holst: This dream you're chasing, where you end up at the top of the mountain, all eyes on you... it's the dream you never wake up from.
- Angel Torres: You'll be getting a call from my supervisor asking how my service was.
- Emerald Haywood: Five stars, Angel. Five stars.
- Antlers Holst: [gravely and sinister] It was a one horned... . one eyed... flyin' Purple People Eater... . a one horned... . one eyed... . flyin' Purple People Eater... a one horned... . one eyed... flyin' Purple People Eater... Looked pretty strange to me.
- Ricky 'Jupe' Park: What if I told you that today you'll leave here different. I'm talking to you. Right here, you are going to witness an absolute spectacle. So what happens next? You ready? ARE YOU READY?
- Emerald Haywood: Didn't I tell you this motherfucker would come up with a NON-ELECTRICAL CAMERA? Let's go, boy!
- [furiously high-fives OJ several times]
- Emerald Haywood: YEAH!
- Angel Torres: They're just waiting for the perfect time to shove metal probes up our asses.
- OJ Haywood: Cool.
- [first lines, over opening logos, all spoken in character]
- Tom Bogan: And of course, I set it to Icelandic time because we share a love of the Aurora Borealis, Gordy... and you have no idea how to tell time.
- [audience laughter]
- Young Ricky 'Jupe' Park: Great gift, Dad. Way to think things through.
- Phyllis Mayberry: Somehow, you'd think that a man who can send a rocket into space would be able to manage a halfway decent birthday present. Nope!
- [audience laughter]
- Young Ricky 'Jupe' Park: You know, Gordy, all things considered, maybe my gift isn't so bad after all.
- [audience "Aw"s]
- Mary Jo Elliott: [heard entering through a door] Hey, Gordy! Surprise!
- Phyllis Mayberry: Wow! Now there's a gift!
- [audience laughter]
- Mary Jo Elliott: Here you go, Gordy! Happy birthday!
- Phyllis Mayberry: [Gordy, a chimpanzee, grunts happily]
- Phyllis Mayberry: Oh, beautiful, Haley.
- [audience applauds, then A BALLOON POPS, then silence]
- Tiga & Zyntherious: [slowed down and distorted] I wear my Sunglasses at Night so I can, so I can, keep track of visions in my mind. I wear my Sunglasses at Night, so I can, so I can, watch you weave your storylines. Don't masquerade with the Guy in Shades, oh no! Don't masquerade with the Guy in Shades, oh no!