The Lego Batman Movie (2017)
Zach Galifianakis: Joker
Photos
Quotes
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The Joker : Hold on a sec. Are you trying to tell me that Bruce Wayne is Batman... 's roommate?
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The Joker : [from trailer] You wanna play games, do you, Batman? Save the city or catch your greatest enemy!
Batman : You think you're my greatest enemy?
The Joker : Who else drives you to one-up them the way I do?
Batman : Superman.
The Joker : Superman's not a bad guy!
Batman : I like to fight around.
The Joker : You're seriously saying that there's nothing special about us?
Batman : There is no "us". Never will be.
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The Joker : Are you seriously saying there is nothing, nothing special about our relationship?
Batman : Whoa. Let me tell you something, J-bird. Batman doesn't do 'ships.
The Joker : [Confused] What?
Batman : As in "relationships." There is no "us." Batman and Joker are not a thing. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. No one does.
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The Joker : [Continuing to list villains] Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Crazy Quilt, Eraser, Polka-Dot Man, Mime, Tarantula, King Tut, Orca, Killer Moth, March Harriet, Zodiac Master, Gentlemen Ghost, Clock King, Calendar Man, Kite Man, Catman, Zebra-Man, and the Condiment King!
Pilot Bill : Okay, are you making some of those up?
The Joker : Nope, they're all real. Probably worth a Google.
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The Joker : [Releasing the villains from the Phantom Zone] He's evil, he's magic, and it's about to get tragic. It's Voldemort!
Voldemort : Magic!
[Starts zapping police]
Voldemort : You are a fish! You, a frog! You are a fish-frog!
The Joker : He's a 9,000-year-old incarnation of evil, with an eye for jewelry. Give it up for Sauron!
Sauron : Good afternoon, Gotham City.
[Fires a beam of fire at Gotham]
The Joker : He likes long, violent walks on historic builds. It's King Kong!
King Kong : Come at me, Gotham!
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The Joker : Madam Mayor! Thanks for dropping by.
Mayor McCaskill : I've only got one thing to say to you, Joker.
The Joker : Well, you'd better make it fast.
Mayor McCaskill : Do you like to gamble?
The Joker : Oh, I certainly do.
Mayor McCaskill : Do you ever play roulette?
The Joker : On occasion.
Mayor McCaskill : Well, let me give you a word of advice.
The Joker : I'm all ears.
Mayor McCaskill : When playing roulette...
The Joker : Yes?
[the Mayor pulls her mask off, revealing herself to be Batman in disguise]
Batman : Always bet on black.
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Pilot Bill : Captain Dale, is everything okay?
The Joker : I'm afraid Captain Dale had to bail. I'm your new co-pilot, and I always come to work with a smile!
[Joker smiles evilly. Pilot Bill just glares back]
The Joker : You should be terrified.
Pilot Bill : Why?
The Joker : Because I will be taking over the city.
Pilot Bill : Hmmm...
The Joker : What?
Pilot Bill : Batman will stop you.
[Joker blows a raspberry]
Pilot Bill : He always stops you.
The Joker : No, he doesn't!
Pilot Bill : What about that time with the two boats?
The Joker : This is better than the two boats.
Pilot Bill : Hmmm...
The Joker : Well, tonight is going to be different! Tonight is my greatest plan yet, and trust me, Batman's never going to see it coming.
Pilot Bill : Like the time with the parade and the Prince music?
The Joker : HEY, QUIET!
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The Joker : It's gotta be one or the other, Batman. Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy. You can't do both.
Batman : I'm sorry, what did you just say?
The Joker : You can't do both, I said.
Batman : No, I mean the other thing.
The Joker : Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy.
Batman : You think you're my greatest enemy?
The Joker : Yes! You're obsessed with me!
Batman : [blows a raspberry] No, I'm not.
The Joker : Yes you are.
Batman : No I'm not.
The Joker : Yes, you are! Who else drives you to one-up them the way that I do?
Batman : Bane.
The Joker : No, he doesn't.
Batman : Superman.
The Joker : Superman's not a bad guy!
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The Joker : Your city is under attack by Gotham's greatest criminal minds. Including... The Riddler... Scarecrow...
Scarecrow : Pizza delivery.
The Joker : Bane.
Bane : Hello!
The Joker : Two-Face.
Two-Face : We need that door open, baby.
The Joker : Catwoman.
Catwoman : Meow, meow. You're in! Meow, meow.
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Jim Gordon : [answers the phone] Hello? Batman?
The Joker : Hi, Jimmy! It's the Jokes!
Jim Gordon : Nobody calls you that.
The Joker : [indignant] Yes, people do call me that!
