- Seymour Tolbin: Name's... Seymour Tolbin.
- Jay Bahadur: Seymour Tolbin?
- Seymour Tolbin: Yeah.
- Jay Bahadur: Oh my God, you're one of my favorite journalists of all time!
- Seymour Tolbin: So you're a journalist?
- Jay Bahadur: No. I mean... yeah, I wanna be.
- Seymour Tolbin: You wanna make it as some big journalist, you gotta go somewhere... crazy.
- Jay Bahadur: I'm gonna go to Somalia and write a book on the pirates.
- Maria Bahadur: Somalia?
- Jojo: AIDS.
- Jay Bahadur: AIDS?
- Jojo: Isn't that a problem there?
- Jay Bahadur: I'm going to *write* about the pirates dad, not sleep with them.
- Jay Bahadur: caawa waxaan cabbeynaa.
- Seymour Tolbin: That's Somali?
- Jay Bahadur: Yes.
- Seymour Tolbin: What does it mean?
- Jay Bahadur: "Tonight, we drink."
- Seymour Tolbin: Oh, that's good to hear. I thought you were gonna say, "Tonight, we fuck."
- Jay Bahadur: I am scared, Abdi. Shit, man, I mean, there's no other way... I hope you understand that.
- Abdi: This is the path you choose as a man... It's not for me to understand.
- Jay Bahadur: [trying a Somalian drug] What's the effects?
- Abdi: Makes some people want to have sex... others are very talkative.
- Jay Bahadur: [spitting out in disgust] Ugh!
- Jay Bahadur: That's me behind the wheel... Jay Bahadur, proud college graduate of the class of 2007... arguably the worst year since the Great Depression to graduate school.
- Supermarket Guy: You drove all the way from Toronto to ask questions about napkins?
- Jay Bahadur: Premium napkins.
- Supermarket Guy: I thought my job sucked.
- Crowe: She's gonna marry her Lit professor.
- Jay Bahadur: No way. Tracy is repulsed by older men.
- Crowe: You were older.
- Jay Bahadur: Two years is not older, man!
- Crowe: It's a little bit older.
- Jay Bahadur: Name's Bahadur, here to see Dr. Fleshman about my back.
- Katlyn: Have you ever been here before?
- Jay Bahadur: No.
- Katlyn: All right, you'll just need to fill out these forms.
- Jay Bahadur: Right.
- Katlyn: You okay?
- Jay Bahadur: Yeah, I just hurt my back, figured I'd get a jump on being a senior citizen.
- Seymour Tolbin: So, you busting on grey hairs? To make a move on Kaitlyn, eh?
- Jay Bahadur: Excuse me?
- Seymour Tolbin: That's all right, I understand... I'd take down all of humanity just to bang her.
- Maryan: This card bears my name. What does it say?
- Jay Bahadur: You don't read English?
- Maryan: Not so well.
- Jay Bahadur: That card says that, um, you're the hottest drug dealer in the world.
- Maryan: Is that what it says?
- Jay Bahadur: Yes.
- Maryan: I like that.
- Jay Bahadur: Why do all rejection letters have the word "unfortunately" in the first sentence?... Surely there is a more original adverb to toss in there... I vow that I will never write for a publication that uses the word "unfortunately" in their first sentence... I am better than that.
- Jay Bahadur: Hey, I got an idea for a story I'm gonna submit. It came to me when I was listening to CBC Radio today.
- Alex: What's... what's the angle?
- Jay Bahadur: The end of the comedic dictator. Kim Jong is on his death bed, and once he goes, where's the dictator comedy gonna come from?
- Alex: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad... He's funny and very alive.
- Jay Bahadur: He's not funny.
- Alex: He's a little funny.
- Jay Bahadur: He's a little funny, but no one can pronounce his name.
- Mitch Kelp: We don't have a single source in Somalia, and I'm sure as shit not gonna get my ass shot over there trying to find out what would possess these, um... Possess these crackheads to take an unarmed tanker.
- Chrissy: Hmm. Well, Mitch, word here is our corporate insurance policy wouldn't cover you in that hellhole, and they'd hate to have a lawsuit from your family on their hands when they mail you back in pieces.
- Mitch Kelp: Thank corporate for being so considerate, Chrissy... Back to you.
- Chrissy: So until we can find one crazy motherfucker to head over to Somalia and find out what's going on, we'll continue to take uneducated guesses as to who these pirates are.
- Jay Bahadur: [on the phone, having difficulty in pronouncing the greeting in Somali and finally giving up] Assalamu-ciao
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