The home video market was known for false advertising in the 1980s, but this one is really pushing the envelope. I'm just imagining Sly fans who got suckered into buying this, only to find out this tape actually stars... his mother Jacqueline Stallone! For God's sake, at least give them Frank.
Even 'stars' is kind of an exaggeration though, because Jackie only shows up for the intro. Granted, she does spend said intro rapping and it's the absolute highlight of the video. The opening song is terrible and catchy at the same time. If anything, it does explain pretty well what this video is going to be. There's going to be foxy boxing with beautiful young (embarassed) models, and there's going to be a depressing amount of sexual double entendres. Hell, one of the first lines of the song is 'my name is Brooklyn and I perfected the way to get big things erected'. Somebody got paid to write that. Did I mention the song goes on for over nine minutes?
The makers know the fight scenes are pretty boring, so they've added some really weird skits. The most baffling inclusion is probably Traci Lords, who shows up as a commentator and gets picked up by one of those annoying 80s comics who can only do impressions. His first impression? You guessed it: Sylvester Stallone! Apart from some photos during the intro, this is the closest you'll get to seeing him in this video. Eventually, he manages to seduce her by doing an impression of... Richard Simmons? Hey, who am I to judge Traci.
"Stallone's Knockouts" is somewhat funny and interesting, though mostly for the wrong reasons. It's tough to figure out what their intended audience was. It has the writing of soft-core porn, but without any nudity. Seriously, what was anyone supposed to get out of this? Check out the rap though, that stuff is classic.
