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Reviews
Gangs of London (2020)
The Godfather if it was written by a 13-year-old
It's a really fun, OTT show, the action is incredibly well done, the cast is good (though they all deserve better dialogue) and the plot is complex, if at times hard to follow. But sometimes the writing is so clunky, it feels like they've shot a first draft written by a teenager who once saw The Godfather and Scarface and thought they could have a stab at doing a gangster film.
But if you switch off your brain, it's a really fun series to watch. Beautifully shot. The international gang angle is fascinating and original. The action is gory and exactly the kind of mayhem you would expect from the team behind The Raid films.
Trap (2024)
what happened?
First half is actually great - a thriller built on a solid premise: how does a wanted serial killer escape an arena surrounded by police while protecting his daughter? I mean, what a pitch for a movie. Buuut then about 45 mins in, M Night abandons the premise, and any good ideas, and the movie becomes a disjointed, incredibly dull home hostage type psycho-thriller, where his daughter (who can sing, but boy, oh boy, she cannot act) is given far too much camera time. It's excruciatingly bad. Reminds me of Old, which also had a great premise, then descended into a disjointed mess. It's great that M Night finances his own movies. I just wish he'd hire someone to challenge him on his ideas.
Longlegs (2024)
First half excellent, then, well...
Great marketing does not always make a good film great. Longlegs is a good indie horror film which borrows from Silence Of The Lambs, Se7en and pretty much the last 20 Blumhouse films. The first half is so promising - a deliciously moody serial-killer chiller with supernatural undertones and some good jump scares. Then it drops the ball and doesn't seem to know what to do with all that promise. Second half isn't terrible. Still a strong 7/10. But I felt disappointed. Great performances, but there's some huge suspending of belief required in the second half to explain the questions raised in the first.
The Bear: Forever (2024)
Series runs out of steam
And this episode is the worst. Self-indulgent in the extreme. No plot. No character development. All the wonderful kitchen dynamics that made the first two series fly are missing. Instead we get endless long shots of Carmy staring at the floor, Syd staring at the walls, Richie staring at tables, interspersed with the Faks doing a 1990s sitcom.
No plot. The third series feels like White wasn't available for much of it because his scenes feel separate to the rest. There's an over reliance on supporting characters but they aren't given the same depth as Carmy so it all feels shallow. I nearly gave up by episode 6 but stuck it out. I wish I hadn't. What a waste of talent.
Presumed Innocent (2024)
Slick, sexy, and a bit dull
It's all right. Slick and sexy. And if you've seen Big Little Lies, you know the drill: 45 mins of slow build melodrama and intriguing flashback, then a twist. And repeat.
That's it. No subplots. No character development. Just well made, well written, well acted melodrama. Old fashioned linear TV. It's ironic that we've gone from adapting The Fugitive into a Harrison Ford movie and now we're adapting a Harrison Ford movie (and book) into a TV star vehicle.
Problem this time round is there was only enough story for a movie and 3 episodes in, David E Kelly is clearly struggling to fill the minutes. Hence endless long shots of brooding husbands and wives.
Mediocre.
Sugar: Go Home (2024)
Oh, boy
Well, I didn't see it coming. I knew from reviews (thanks, critics, for spoiling it; if you tell me there's a twist in episode 6 but kindly don't tell me what it is, it still ruins the show for me) that there was a twist in ep 6. And it is a cowardly, ridiculous, nonsensical, cynical twist designed to get people like me, who just want to watch TV, to go online and talk about it, so more people click on the show, thinking "It can't be THAT bad", only to then realise that yes, it is that bad, but by then, Apple have their extra view, so they're slapping themselves on the back and green lighting a second series, which nobody will watch and they'll then axe.
Staggering. But here we are. If like me, you made it to episode 6, congrats. How did we get here, where TV isn't entertaining but baffling.
Sugar (2024)
Terrible. What a waste.
It starts off intriguing enough. I guess that's enough for Apple to get some good reviews. People, like me, who thought this was a film noir with an intriguing main character played by Colin Farrell. But then it starts to drag. By episode 4, it's a slog to care about ANYONE. Poorly drawn characters bounce around. But it's hard to care about any of them, they're so badly presented, despite the A list cast. And then nearly at the end of the series, there comes THE twist. And boy, is it hard to see coming. And boy, isn't that the problem? Imagine if you were watching 6 episodes of Colombo, then in the 7th, it suddenly turned out that he was in The Truman Show. You'd shout WTF. You'd feel cheated.
Welcome to Sugar. And Apple TV. Where they choose shows based on the attached cast and how likely it is to be talked about on social media. Not because it's any good.
Sugar is terrible. One of the worst TV shows I have ever seen.
Unfrosted (2024)
Awfully unfunny
This feels like that Dick Turpin series on Apple TV: proof that no matter how talented the cast of comedians, if the script ain't funny, it ain't funny. It starts off like a weird but charming mix of Willy Wonka and Airplane, but then descends into a big budget car crash.
I imagine Jerry Seinfeld went to Netflix and said "I'd like to make a film about my love of cereal and I can get my mates to act in it" and at no point during production did anyone tell him that maybe it's not working.
It does have a couple of funny bits but outstays it's welcome by 90 mins. Enough here to fill a wacky sketch. But when 30 mins of jokes rely on them misnaming Pop Tarts "Trat Pop", you know you're in trouble. Avoid.
Things You Should Have Done (2024)
Bring back good comedies, because this isn't it
BBC commissioners must be insane to commission a series like this. The low standard of material is evident. They throw lots of comedic talent at it to try and make it work. But the central premise feels like a random person off the street was handed a show and let loose. There's nothing to like about the main characters. The central character Chi thinks she's original, but she's just a mash up of neurosis that we've seen before. She's the teenage daughter from Here We Go. She's the sister from Such Brave Girls. Bland, self-centred, consciously self-conscious. It's so boring. Where's the clever punchlines and the sitcom setups? This series thinks we should all laugh at awkwardness. And that's it. Look at the main characters being awkward and glancing at their phones. Oh, ha ha ha. What happened, BBC? You used to make world class sitcoms. Now, you make this.
Hijack (2023)
Terrible script, dumb fun
It's really really badly written. I wanted it to be good, I wanted a dumb but fun thriller. But this is just so bad. It feels like it's written by students. The bad guys are terrible, cliche after cliche. The characters might as well be copied and pasted from a "stock British characters" book.
Idris Elba tried his best and is watchable but his character is a nothing character elevated to leading man because of the star playing him, not because of the character's depth.
George Kay, the writer, needs to buy a book on how to write a thriller. His work on series one and two of Lupin was good, except the third series. Criminal was great. But he seems to have run out of steam here. Avoid. And Apple? Stop making such underwhelming, overblown, badly written shows. Nice payday for British character actors. A pain in the neck for viewers.
Monarch: Legacy of Monsters (2023)
First episode ok. Then dullsville.
Wow. How do you spend hundreds of millions making a Godzilla series and make it so incredibly boring? I mean, there is no story. There are no likeable characters. There are no monsters or mythology. The writers have written a soap opera which occasionally features brief glimpses of inconsequential monsters as wallpaper.
Is Apple TV at this point just burning money? Invasion was similar - great launch episode, then a drop-off in quality across the series until it became unwatchable. Smart people doing dumb things seems to be the Apple way.
What a waste of the Russell son and pop team. They deserved better than this dull fest.
Reacher (2022)
First series great, second one is a slog
First season is the Reacher I've been waiting for. Uncompromising, brilliant, a lone wolf. The mystery is cracking. The support cast are all excellent. It's a solid 9 out of ten. But then I watched season 2.
Oh, boy. Suddenly Reacher is a team player. He's surrounded by generic characters played by actors with the most forgettable faces and bland alpha performances. He's not as brilliant as the female lead. Nope. In fact he's now doing dumb things. But there's a violent fight every episode so I guess if you like "Reacher beats up the bullies" scenes, then you'll enjoy it.
I couldn't even get through episode one, season two is THAT much of a drop in quality. What happened?
Invasion (2021)
Slow is fine. But bad storytelling is not.
$200 million to make this series and they can't find a writer better than Andrew Baldwin? His episodes are like pulling teeth. Characters not reacting to monumental evengs occurring in front of them. Stoic to the point of being excruciating.
This show starts off ok. First 5 episodes are enticing and feel like an interesting angle to a sci-fi show: an invasion told from the point of view of a bunch of normal people on the ground. But the longer it goes on, the more you realise the writers don't know what to do with the premise and they've run out of ideas.
So we have endless scenes of characters acting so calm in the face of catastrophe. We have a crowd at an airport that is about 25 people. A refugee camp which is the full of middle class sleepy families all chilling.
If this is the Apple way, then they should stick with making 30 second adverts. They have more depth than this series. A bitter disappointment.
The Flash (2023)
Not as bad as I expected
That's the best thing I can say about the film. It's not as bad as I was expecting. It's just all a bit underwhelming and is tonally all over the place.
I felt there was a decent story bubbling away, but it all got gobbled up by DC's need to avoid a PR disaster by focusing too much on Ezra Miller, who is surprisingly good in his dual roles and, if it wasn't for the off-screen baggage, is good enough here to carry a Flashpoint/BTTF type film about time travel, dealing with grief and going up against evil Flash.
But I got the sense all that was lost in the reshoots and handing the DC reigns to James Gunn. The opening act feels like it was tacked on - possibly they went to James Gunn and said "We need a wacky, outlandish opening" - because it doesn't sit tonally with the rest of the film.
The last act feels like the last act of a different story, maybe the one they set out to make. And isn't helped because the special effects clearly aren't finished and it all feels rushed.
Overall, not a disaster - it made me laugh, I liked the Batman nostalgia and some action scenes are really well done - but it all feels like a superhero movie made by a committee. Despite the big explosions and big action, there's not much to get excited about. Just a bunch of scenes from 3 different films in search of a story.
What We Do in the Shadows: Freddie (2022)
A lot of you have forgotten this is a comedy
What We Do In The Shadows is a comedy. The characters are not real. They are brilliantly written and acted caricatures that get into scrapes. It is a sitcom. Say that slowly, some of you arguing that the writers here have tried to make some deep political point with Marwa. It. Is. A. Sitcom. This episode is brilliant comedy. Every character acts within their established character. And there are some interesting and much-needed developments, as the series sets itself up for a fifth season. But some of you take personal offence, believing the show is a reflection of your own politics and any deviation from your bubble must mean the writers are personally attacking you. Well done. You've watched a funny sitcom and because it's not the fluffy bubble of self-assurance you need, you give it one star and denounce it. Like Nandor, you have found a way to make it about you.
Oppenheimer (2023)
A masterpiece, with few flaws
No film is perfect but Oppenheimer is close to perfection. The dry source material is elevated with brilliant cinematography, art direction, editing, excellent cast, direction and superlative sound design.
There are lots of breathtaking moments. The pace is incredible. Entire set pieces only briefly glimpsed. It feels like a Hollywood film from yesteryear. It never outstays it's welcome and there is so much going on, it throws so much at you that even though some of it doesn't stick, the stuff that does will keep you thinking for days after.
Chris Nolan is, hands down, the most important and innovative director working today. This is his most personal film yet and should definitely be seen on a large screen with loud speakers. Outstanding.
Luther: The Fallen Sun (2023)
Mediocre thriller, poorly written, wasted cast
The excellent cast deserve much better than this derivative nonsense. The script feels like a rushed first draft. So much exposition, it feels like they're telling a story to a child.
The themes are interesting. The plot has been done before, and much better. Neil Cross is really phoning it in at this point. After The Sister, this is another poor attempt at creating a thriller which feels stick in 1995.
At least the cast is good and the slick direction carries it all along. Proof that there was much better quality control when Luther was on the BBC. Netflix seem to wave through scripts before they are properly developed and explored.
Black Mirror (2011)
Series 6 a huge drop in quality
Latest series is on the rails, by the book, it almost feels like series 6 has been written by AI.
Hold on. Is that going to be the final twist - that Charlie Brooker got ChatGPT to write series 6? That would explain the lack of plot twists and the by-the-numbers predictability.
If Charlie Brooker is playing 4D chess and has willingly created a poor series 6 to make a brilliantly executed point to the suited streamer overlords that AI cannot create as well as humans, then hats off to him. I'll revise this review to an 11/10.
But if that's not the case, then what did happen between series 5 and 6?
Black Mirror: Beyond the Sea (2023)
Great cast, great production values, but so poor
Three episodes in and the writing on this series has been woeful. Predictable. Illogical. Frustratingly obvious dialogue. I keep waiting for the rug-pull moment but in this one, I guessed the ending after 15 mins. It was sooo obvious what was going to happen.
If in 1969, they had the technology to create replicas with a neural link to its human, then why not send the replica into space? It makes no sense whatsoever that they would do they reverse. All it needed was a clever explanation but this series is severely lacking ANY cleverness.
On the rails, by the book, it almost feels like the series has been written by AI. Maybe that'll be the final twist - that Charlie Brooker got ChatGPT to write this series. That would explain the wall-to-wall cliches and the complete lack of any surprising plot twist.
Black Mirror: Loch Henry (2023)
Good enough. But is this Black Mirror?
Decent story and entertaining, but not Black Mirror. It feels like Charlie Brooker is either consciously trying to sabotage his own series, has lost his mojo or is so untouchable now that nobody is questioning his questionable decisions.
This is NOT a Black Mirror episode. It pulls its punches all the way through and, even as a stand-alone spooky true crime story, it chooses predictability over any surprising twists.
After 10 mins, I guessed how things were going to pan out and thought there's no way Charlie Brooker is going to be THAT obvious. No way. And then I watched for another hour while they panned out exactly as I had predicted.
Black Mirror: Joan Is Awful (2023)
Mediocre
Not sure about this series of Black Mirror. 3 episodes in and all I see are badly-written scripts and plotholes. This episode started off so promising, but when characters just do not do what anybody would do - i.e. Ask HOW is this happening, rather than just react to the outcome like an NPC - it becomes a frustrating watch.
Once a character reveals the mechanism for the scenario, why wouldn't the main character just destroy the mechanism or leave it at home?
The Russian Doll twist is neat, but doesn't stand up to scrutiny. If that is so, then WHO are all these levels for? AI for AI? Even in the realms of deep sci-fi, if you go too far down the rabbithole, things still need to have logic.
Old (2021)
Oh, my word, how bad can it be?
Neat idea, the worst execution possible. The dialogue is awful. In places, it feels badly improvised, Massive changes occur and everyone accepts them too quickly. The directorial choices are so bad, it feels like the financiers just gave M Night some money and told him to do whatever he wants (there is one handheld/steadicam shot around the kids that looks like they strapped the camera on the back of a dog; no focus, no point, amateur at best). But three stars because it is so bad, it's strangely compulsive. LIke a car crash in slo-mo. I couldn't believe what I was watching. It has the atmosphere of a bad Dogma 95 film. Disjointed. A poor experiment.
Guilt (2019)
First series great, second poor, third hit and miss
First series is great - a tight story, great script, great performances. Second series is confusing and doesn't know where it's going. Third series is ambitious but, if judged on its own, feels like it's written by a comedy writer who is not very good at writing crime and a crime writer who is not very good at writing comedy. A disappointment. 9/10 for series one. The other two are low scores.
All the cast are game. I felt it should have been left as a mini series. The law of diminishing returns is here to see.
I have to write more here but some reviews have 3 lines, so not sure why I have to write more.
Sharper (2023)
Average film, A list cast
Strange film, this. Not as clever as it thinks it is, and unfortunately doesn't treat the audience as being clever at all. By the end, despite some good twists, it all felt so predictable and despite the writers' attempts, it wasn't all that clever. If you ask one question, it all crumbles and you're left with a forgettable plot-heavy vehicle with an A list cast (presumably Apple's money brings all the big stars to the yard, because it sure as hell wasn't the script).
Overall, enjoyable enough as a TV movie, but nobody to really root for and because of the lack of relatabl characters, it all feels empty. Welcome to Apple TV+. Money can buy you whoever you want, except the talent to write a coherent story.
The Gold (2023)
The absence of story
First episode is promising. Then it becomes clearer with each further episode that there's not enough story to sustain a series. Instead we get monologues. Endless monologues. Minor characters given "I remember when" monologues. Hardly any crime. No story. Everything is eked out to an excruciating degree. Casting is very 2023, which looks odd in the period the series is set in.
It all looks great. Wonderful cast. But the script is lacking. It feels rushed and doesn't clarify key details, leaving you feeling like you've missed a scene or an episode. Probably a great 3 part series here. But a poor, repetitive 6 hours.