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About Coders

By Geek & Poke

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readme.txt

If you don't get coders, this book is for you. After you will have read it, you won't get them either. But hopefully you will have had some good laughs about them.

If you understand coders you either lie or should go to a doctor. Take this book with you to have something to read in the waiting room

Ox01

Coders love good code

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1 LOVE TO DO THIS.

CRAWLING THROUGH SOME VERY OLD CODE AND ASKING MYSELF:

- WHO WROTE IT?

- WHEN DID HE WRITE IT?

- WHAT DID HE THINK THEN?

l' M ANALYZING SOME PIECE OF CODE I'VE FOUND

Inspired by a Slashdot post: http://ask.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=08/0 1/18/1554257

Coders love fast machines

Ox02

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT THESE SMALL MACHINES ARE PROCESSING HUNDREDS OF MILLION OF STATEMENTS PER SECOND?

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Ox03

Coders are funny

... AND THEN I SAID TO THIS GUY FROM THE BUSINESS DEPARTMENT:

"DIDN'T WE SAY OUR SOFTWARE WAS EXCEPTIONAL"

HAHAHA! RIGHT!

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Ox04

Coders help each other

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,II

COULD YOU UPDATE YOUR WORKSPACE WITH THE SVN REPOSITORY?

,,,

LET ME GUESS.

YOU'VE JUST DONE THAT. NOW YOU HAVE 1000 COMPILE ERRORS AND YOU DON'T WANNA BE THE ONLY

IDIOT HERE.

Coders keep it simple

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Ox05

IT'S SUPER SIMPLE.

YOU JUST NEED

AN Application, AN

ApplicationDelegate, A Window, A View, A ViewController, A LayoutManager,AN OutputStream,A BufferedOutputStream, A ...

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HELLO WORLO

Ox06

Coders think the unthinkable

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SOUNDS REASONABLE. I CLOSE THIS TICKET

Ox07

Coders love reflection

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Coders love convention over configuration

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Ox09

Coders do some exercises during the day

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SHIT COM-

PUTER!

Inspired by a blog post from Deb Perelman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/careers/essential-it-skills-manage-your-time-andcarry-your-weight/105

Coders like good comments

OxOa

II I have no idea what this crappy II function does and how and why it II works.

II But it seems to be important. II PLEASE DON'T TOUCH IT!!!!!!

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GOOD COMMENTS ARE ESSENTIAL TO DELIVER HIGH GUALITV.

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Coders die eventually

OxOb

since May3rd2004

No more updates No more patches

Just peace

Coders love music

OxOc

WINOOWS SHLlTOOWN SOLINO

OxOd

Coders love to comment, but not yet

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OxOe

Coders are still funny

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COOERS'JOKES

Coders love bugfixing

OxOf

Coders love frameworks

Oxl0

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LIGHTWEIGHT FRAMEWORKS

Coders are artists

Ox11

I DON'T GET YOUR CODE.

WHAT ARE THESE LINES FOR?

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THE ART OF PROGRAMMING

Ox12

Coders love naming conventions

THE SECOND PARAMETER THERE DOES NOT COMPLY WITH OUR NAMING CONVENTIONS

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HOW ABOUT

MUCH BETTER

Ox13

Coders love their users

SOMETIMES IN THE CUSTOMER SEARCH I GET NO SEARCH RESULT BUT THE MESSAGE:

II 1 .

C assCastExcept~on:

java. lang. String cannot be cast to java.util.HashMap"

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

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Coders love their code

Ox14

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EVERY liNE IS A CHILO OF MINE

Ox15

Coders really love good code

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Inspired by a Slashdot post: http://tech.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=08/02/04/171 0209

Coders have dreams

WOW! THIS SOFTWARE IS GUITE COMPLEX!

WHERE CAN I FIND SOME OCUMENTATlON?

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Ox16

WE ALL HAO OLJR OREAMS

Coders and users understand each other

Ox17

LOOK!

THAT'S THE NEW ACCOUNTING APPLICATION.

IT'S BASED ON OUR NEW ARCHITECTURE: - THE COMPONENTS ARE

DECOU PLED THROUGH RESTFUL SERVICES

- THE SERVER IS WRITTEN IN SCALA

- THE CLIENT IS PURE JAVASCRIPT

- AND BOTH ARE TALKING WITH EACH OTHER ASYNCHRONOUS THROUGH

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ISN'T THAT COOL? WHAT DO YOU SAY?

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Coders love to comment, except their own code

Ox18

WHAT ARE THE LINES BEGINNING WITH "/ / my stance on IP and the free internet" FOR?

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DIDN'T YOU SA I HAD TO PUT SOME COMMENTS IN MY CODE?

Coders love code reviews

Ox19

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Coders love pair programming

Ox1a

OK, AGREED.

IN EVEN LINES WE INDENT WITH TABS, IN ODD LINES

WITH SPACES.

IN IF-STATEMENTS WE PUT THE CURL V BRACKET IN THE SAME LINE, IN FOR-LOOPS

IN THE NEXT LINE.

WHAT ABOUT "DO" AND "WHILE"?

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Ox1b

Coders love documentation

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DO YOU HAVE DOCUMENTATION OTHER THAN 1000 PAGES OF UNREADABLE CRAP

GENERATED OUT OF A COMPLETELY OUTDATED UML MODEL?

Coders love duck typing

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Oxle

Coders love refactoring

LOOK AT OUR AWFUL CODE!

WE HAVE TO REFACTOR IT!

Ox1d

IT'S THE WIll. THAT COLJNTS

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Oxle

Coders don't need oxygene

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THE CANARY IN THE COOE MINE

Coders like subtle humor

Ox1f

WHAT'S "java .lang. UserTooDumbException"'?

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COOER'S REVENGE

Ox20

Coders like debugging

FINALLY! .------------rJJf WE'VE NEEDED NEARLY 30 MINUTES TO DEBUG TO THAT POINT.

SO BE CAREFUL AND PLEASE DO

NOT PRESS ON ...

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Coders never take the easy way out

Ox21

SOMETIMES IT'S REAIJ... Y HARD TO FIND A PITHY CHECK-IN COMMENT.

Coders love continuous integration

Ox22

.. ",

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BY THE WAY:

DON'T UPDATE!

YOU GET HUNDREDS OF COMPILE ERRORS

Coders are meta

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Ox23

Coders love to mull over their life and the uruverse

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Ox24

Coders' dictionary: Refactoring cycle

Ox25

I DON'T GET THIS CODE. AND THESE LINES HERE ARE DEFINITIVELY COMPLETELY USELESS. LET'S

REMOVE THEM

EDIT

COMPILE

RUN

UNDO

Coders love puzzles

ONE OAY IN THE LIFE OF A PERL PROGRAMER

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WHAT THE HACK IS THIS?

OQ:Lf5 AM REAOING THE COOE FROM THE PREVIOUS OA Y

Ox26

Ox27

Coders are coders their whole life long

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iii ONE MOMENT!

~ I'VE JUST SEEN THIS

~ CRAPPY PIECE OF CODE.

I HAVE TO REFACTOR IT. FIND OUT WHO HAS WRITTEN IT!

HOW 00 YOU KNOW YOU'RE MAYBE NOT THE MANAGER KINO OF GUY

Based on a blog post from Deb Perelman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/careers/signs-you-might-not-be-it-managementmaterial/138

Most coders survived the depression

Ox28

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COOERS IN THE OEPRESSION

Inspired by a blog post from Deb Perelman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/careers/desperate-times-desperate-job-huntingtactics/193

Coders are important

Ox29

WHAT COULD WE DO TO MAKE SURE WE'RE ABLE TO MAINTAIN THE ACCOUNTING APPLICATION DURING THE NEXT YEAR?

GIVE JIM ENOUGH MONEY AND ASK HIM TO LIVE HEALTHY

Coders test (sometimes)

Ox2a

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HAVE YOU TESTED YOUR CODE UNDER STRESS?

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Coders love to read well commented code

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........ _IIIiii1IIi_ ......... "IDGTS II ,._1IIIIIIiiI ........... _ .. MEANS "I DON'T GET THIS SHIT", I GUESS

Ox2b

Ox2c

Coders love legacy code

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CRAPPY CODE?

OH MY DEAR!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAD SUCH AN IDIOT IN OUR COMPANY WHO CREATED THIS STUPID STUPID ...

HE IS NOW THE BOSS OF YOUR BOSS OF YOUR

BOSS

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Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/projectfa i I ures/ old-softwa re-never-dies/ 499

Coders do more than just coding

Ox2d

THE SEEK AND THE CIO

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'''I

WISCY

Ox2e

Coders write crucial code

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RECENTLY IN THE OPERATING ROOM

There are different kinds of coders

Ox2f

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ARE YOU THE CURLYBRACKET -IN-THESAME-LINE OR THE CURLY-BRACKET -INTHE-NEXT -LINE KINDA GUY?

Special section: The main principles of coding Part 1: DRY

Ox30

RECENTL Y OURING THE FINAL EXAM

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SEE WORKBOOK CHAPTER 7, SECTION 3, PARAGRAPHS 2a AND 2d

OON'T REPEA T YOURSELF

Ox31

Coders write good code

DON'T TOUCH!!!

GOOf) COf)E IS ...

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... LIKE A MING VASE:

BEAUTIFUL BUT FRAGILE

Ox32

Interlude: (T)waisting time

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III

III

JUST (T)WAISTING TIME

Ox33

Special section:

The principles of Open Source

SIX BUCKS FOR ONE BEER!!! ARE YOU KIDDING? ARE YOU SILLY? THAT'S CHEATING!!! r----~ DIDN'T YOU SAY THE BEER WAS I------- __ FREE?

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FREE AS IN BEER

Inspired by blog posts from Adrian Kingsley-Hughes (http://www.zdnet.com/ blog/hardware/is-open-source-recession-proof/1136) and Dana Blankenhorn (http://www.zdnet.com/blog/open-source/what-if-you-Iose-your-job/1896)

Coders are polite

Ox34

Hi Jack!

>Hi Jack!

Hi Bill

>Where were you yesterday? That's not your cup of tea ;-)) >We had so much fun without

you ;-)

I was so glad not having to see you ;- )))

Where were you yesterday?

We had so much fun without you ;-)

rfYY/J .'

rfY11J .'

»Where were you yesterday? > That's not your cup of tea ;-))

I know and I'm not at all interested ;-)))) »We had so much fun without you ;-)

>I was so glad not having to see you ;-))) Great! I hope we'll never see us again ;-)))))

rfYY/J .'

Inspired by a Slashdot post: http://ask.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=08/0 1/22/1358237

At the end of a long project day

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Ox35

···.lt/~

<:»

Tip for coders:

Don't let your boss read magazines

Ox36

I WANT A SOA, I WANT AN AJAX (WHATEVER THIS MAY BE) AND I WANT THIS SOCIAL STUFF.

DO IT!

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WHERE IS THE IDIOT WHO FORGOT TO HIDE THE MAGAZINES?

Based on a blog post from Paul Murphy: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/murphy /to-forrn-an-us/ 1 054

Coders' dictionary:

Management summary

Ox37

... --------...., COULD YOU GIVE A MANAGEMENT SUMMARY OF THE STATE OF YOUR PROJECT?

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PROJECT MANAGEMENT, HEAD OF DEPARTMENT AND COMPANY BOARD

OK, IN THAT ORDER:

- BIG MESS

- SOME

CHAll.ENGES - IN TIME AND IN BUDGET

MANAGEMENT SLJMMARIES

Interlude:

Funny coders I

Ox38

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PRAY YOUR LAST PRAYER! BEFORE I'll. kill -9 YOU

o

Ox39

Interlude:

Funny coders II

RECENTLY AT THE AIRPORT

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Ox3a

Interlude:

Funny coders III

RECENTLY IN THE OFFICE

R. PRESIDENT, TH TROOPS ARE READY.

I'M WAITING FOR YOUR ORDER TO INSTALL THEM.

GENERAL, ./configure make

make install

.s:

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Ox3b

Interlude:

Funny coders IV

perl

"etbjxntqrdke"; $a =- s/(.)/chr(ord ($l)+l)/eg; print $a'

Inspired by a blog post from Russell Shaw:

http://www.zdnet.com/blog/i p- telephony/sexism-at -the-a pple-store-womanclaims-genius-totally-ignored-her-while-pitching-her-husband/3352

Interlude:

Funny coders V

Ox3c

OH DARLING, THAT'S NICE! PLEASE DRAW

ME A TREE.

Ox3d

About a few things a real coder has to have an oppinion - immediately

HOW TO TEST A CODER

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18:34:23.213

18:34:23.218

roO

18:34:23.223

Inspired by post on TheServerSide: http://www.theserverside.com/news/thread.tss?thread_id=490 18

Coders are coders I

Ox3e

AS AN

IT GUY I'M ONLY INTERESTED IN ALIGNING THE IT PROCESSES WITH THE BUSINESS PROCESSES

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Coders are coders II

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Ox3f

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Coders' dictionary:

Soap and ReST

Ox40

SERVICE CAlLING MADE EASY

HI, JUST TO NOT GET CONFUSED:

THE FOLLOWING GUESTION BELONGS TO THE NAMESPACE OF "COFFEE".

COULD YOU GIVE ME COFFEE?

THE NUMBER OF COFFEES I WANT IS: ONE E GUESTION ENDS

SOAP IS MUCH MORE POLITE THAN REST

Sometimes even coders don't get it

Ox41

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Coders' dictionary:

Test management

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Ox42

BUGS FOUND / DAY -1\

L.....i--t-+--+-+-~......:;>

TIME

BUGS FOUND / DAY

BUGS FOUND / DAY -1\

Coders love managers

Ox43

WE ARE ONE PROJECT MANAGER, 2 ARCHITECTS, 2 GUALITV MANAGERS, 2

CONFIGURATIONS MANAGERS AND 3 BUSINESS REGUIREMENT MANAGERS

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Ox44

Coders' dictionary:

Project manager

HOW MANY PROJECT MANAGERS OOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBllLB?

WE NEED A NEW MILESTONE IN THE PROJECT PLAN

NONE

Based on a blog post from Christopher Dawson: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/education/how-many-techs-does-it-take-tochange-a-lightbulb/1861

Coders honor the dead

Ox45

THIS METHOD IS NEVER CAlLED. WHY DON'T YOU REMOVE IT?

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Ox46

Coders love boolean logic

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Ox47

Interlude:

How do you know your project is on track?

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Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/projectfailures/l O-signs-your-soa-project-is-ontrack/432

Coders' dictionary:

Race conditions

Ox48

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???

Ox49

I DON'T GET YOUR CODE.

WHAT ARE THESE LINES FOR?

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I HAVE NO IDEA. BUT IT DOES NOT WORK WITHOUT THEM

Coders never promise what they cannot deliver

Ox4a

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unless their boss said so

I'M NOT AT AU...

INTERESTED

IN YOUR PROBABILITY CALCULATIONS.

I'VE JUST PROMISED OUR BOARD TO MEET THE DEADLINE.

I GUESS IT'S BETTER YOU DO WHAT WE EXPECT

FROM YOU!

BOSS,

I CANNOT PROMISE YOU TO MEET THIS DEADLINE.

THE CHANCE IS ABOUT 1% ...

... BUT I STRONGLY BELIEVE THIS 1% WILL OCCUR WITH A PROBABILITY OF 100%

Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/projectfailures/l Ol-project-management-tips/367

Ox4b

Interlude:

How to rescue a project - Chapter 1

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COMMUNICATE

Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/projectfailures/rescuing-software-trainwreckswithout-sacrificing-goats/380

Ox4c

Interlude:

How to rescue a project - Chapter 2

YOU KNOW, THE PROJECT IS AN A GUITE DIFFICULT SITUATION.

WHAT DO YOU - AS THE PROJECT MANAGER - THINK IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO IN THE NEXT WEEKS?

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MAKE SlIRE THE KEY PLA YERS ALWA YS PARTICIPATE

Interlude:

How to rescue a project - Chapter 3

Ox4d

WHAT DO YOU DO, WHEN YOU RECOGNIZE THAT YOUR TEAM IS ABOUT TO MISS A DEADLINE?

FIRST OF ALL I DO NOTHING. SHORTLY AFTER THAT I WAIT.

UNTIL ANOTHER TEAM

IS FOOLISH ENOUGH TO ADMIT IT'S ABOUT TO MISS A DEADLINE AND THE DEADLINE IS

PUT OFF

TRY TO O/SCOVER THE RULES OF THE PROJECT

Coders' dictionary:

The project plan

Ox4e

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Coders hope

Ox4f

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WE'RE JUST 3 WEEKS AWAY FROM ROLL-OUT AND WE'RE WAY BEHIND SCHEDULE. WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/projectfailures/agile-evils-the-software-crisis-andother-interesting-stories/482

Ox50

Coders are not as important as managers

WE BOTH ARE HIGHLY PAID MANAGERS, WE ARE MEETING SINCE ABOUT Y HOURS AND FRANKLY I'VE FORGOTTEN WHY WE ARE SITTING HERE.

AREN'T THERE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS YOU COULD DO NOW?

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f.:\._U(( ~

Based on a blog post from Nick Gonzalez:

http://techcrunch.com/2007 /11 /06/time-is-money-calculate-the-real-cost-ofthose-corporate-meetings/

Coders love enterprise software

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TO BUlL!) ENTERPRISE SOFTWARE YOU NEEO VERY SPECIAL SKILLS

Ox51

Ox52

Coders work hard,

but they are rewarded with happy users

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Based on a blog post from Nicholas Carr: http://www.roughtype.com/archives/2008/02/sneaking_behind.php

Coders' dictionary:

Requirements management

Ox53

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Coders hate sales

Ox54

~UIZ OF THE MONTH

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ARE YOU REALLY SURE THAT THIS LIST OF YOUR RE~U IREMENTS IS COMPLETE?

~_....,~

THIS ENTERPRISE SOFTWARE SALES TALK CONTAINS TWO LIES.

FINO 'EM ALL!

Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/projectfai I ures/7 -com man-I ies-told-by-enterprisesoftware-sales-people/653

Ox55

Again: Coders hate sales

... ANO ...

. .. OELIVERY

Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/projectfailures/sales-driven-it-failures/672

Ox56

Coders know that a decent project plan is key

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~ ~~ ~~~~~~

L......:I ~~ L...3:

~~~~~~~

Ox57

A good coder knows when her/his project is in a bad shape

Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.comjblog/projectfailures/ 1 2-characteristics-of -doomedprojects/847

Coders and users are best friends

Ox58

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Coders' dictionary: ROI

IT SHOULD BE IN THE SAME BALLPARK AS THE SYSTEM WE DEPLOYED

<2)

··\I}

Based on a blog post from Dennis Howlett: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/enterprisealley/a-moment-of-Iucidity/263

Ox59

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Coders love tradition

Ox5a

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I HAVE NO IDEA!

IT IS HANDED OVER FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION

WHEN PROJECT CULTURE BECOMES TRAOITION

Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/projectfa i I ures/i m prove-your-fai led-it -cu lture/ 1 052

Coders have goals

Ox5b

HOW TO PREVENT YOUR PROJECT FROM GETTING KILLED

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to CD CD :>\

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RULE 1: HAVE A CLEAR GOAL

Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/projectfailures/5-reasons-to-kill-it-projects/11 51

Sometimes coders have to explain failure

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... AND LITERAlLY IN THE LAST MINUTE WE'VE STOPPED TO ALIGN OUR GREAT IT PROCESSES WITH THE CRAPPY BUSINESS PROCESSES

HOW TO EXPLAIN THE FAIWRE OF AN IT PROJECT

Based on a blog post from Joe McKendrick:

Ox5c

http://www.zdnet.com/blog/service-oriented/explaining-soa-failure-to-the-

boss-here-are-some-rea I-good-excuses/ 1 220

Sometimes coders don't wanna know

Ox5d

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VI'"

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Ox5e

Coders' dictionary:

Kick-off meeting

YES!

AND THIS TIME WE WON'T AlLOW NEW REGUIREMENTS TO SLIP IN UNLESS WE GET MORE TIME OR RESOURCES

YES! AND THIS TIME WE WON'T SHIP UNTIL WE HAVE FINISHED AlL TESTS

IN ALL BEGINNINGS OWELLS A MAGIC FORCE *

• HERMANN HESSE

Coders love big documentation (I)

Ox5f

M CURRENTLY READING THE TECHNICAL DOCUMENTATION OF YOUR SYSTEM. COULD YOU ANSWER ME SOME GUESTIONS ABOUT IT?

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Coders love big documentation (II)

Ox60

WOW!

q32 PAGES OF SYSTEM DOCUMENTATION. I'M IMPRESSED. HOW HAVE YOU MANAGED TO WRITE SUCH A HUGE DOCUMENTATION?

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WELL. YOU NEED SOME SKILLS, SOME PATIENCE, SOME PASSION AND ...

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Coders know that a good test phase is key

Ox61

... AND THE LAST 3 MONTHS BEFORE THE DEADLINE ~---- ..... WE'VE RESERVED FOR

TESTING AND DOCUMENTATION

II} ..

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IN OTHER WORDS:

YOU HAVE 3 MORE MONTHS TO HACK

Coders are brave

Ox62

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Based on a blog post from Michael Krigsman: http://www.zdnet.com/blog/projectfailures/early-warnings-the-it-projectfailure-dilemma-part-l/9086