YOU'RE A MAD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

A Male Monologue By

D. M. Larson

CHARLIE

[Stage has a bed DR and a message chair DL. C are
some children!s "icture boo#s on a small boo#rac#.
CHARLIE is a little o$er %& and balding. He doesn!t
loo# $ery healthy'

(CHARLIE )a#es u" in bed R. Stares at ceiling*
I!$e li$ed another day. +h, -od, )hy ha$e I li$ed another day.
(CHARLIE sits u" in bed*
E$ery single morning I!m /ull o/ )onder. Such )onder at my li$ing. It!s
not an a)e thing. It!s in an a)/ul thing. 0here!s no than#s /or this
continued carbon dio1ide "roduction I "er/orm daily.
(CHARLIES rises. He "ulls on "ants o$er his bo1ers.
His "ants "oc#ets are /illed )ith coins*
I don!t get to see my thera"ist today. She is busy getting /amous o// my
su//ering, doing some boo# signing, and I!m not recei$ing any royalties.
(Listens a moment, then continues*
Sue her. 2eah, sue her. 0hat!s )hat she gets /or messing )ith my mind
then telling e$eryone about it.
(Listens again, then continues angrily*
But I can!t. Can!t I. 3eo"le do it all the time, but it!s not right. Right.
4hat do "eo"le care o/ right and )rong no) days.
(Becomes )orried*
Ho) could I u"set her li#e that. She is a constant in my li/e, hel"ing me5
(6rustrated*
+r is she. My habit5 I must #ic# my habit and the doctors say only she
has the ans)er. But 7ust )hen I thin# )e are about to sol$e it, she
snatches it a)ay, lea$ing me to /all /lat on my bac#. Someho), I #ee"
coming bac# /or more. E1ce"t /or today.
(Heads out the door to his home ["antomimed' and )al#s
DC*
So no) I )al#. 4al#ing to #ill time. +r #ill something. Didn!t matter
)hich. 4al#ing, ho"ing. Ho"ing I get hit by a car.
(Sto"s and /ro)ns*
But I!m so care/ul at cross)al#s. Loo# both )ays. 4hy not let a truc# hit
me this time. Run o$er by a Mac# truc#. So5 clich8.
(Smiles*
9illed by a clich8. I!d li#e that.
(4al#s a bit more*
My )al# ta#es me along a shady a$enue. Ancient trees, undeterred by
smog, gro) mightily along the roadside.
(Bends do)n to loo# at something on side)al#*
Be/ore me lay a local resident o/ these roadside )oods. A small baby bird
had /allen /rom its nest. It barely mo$ed, a tiny bit o/ li/e, but not enough.
It )rithes hel"lessly be/ore me.
(Rises and li/ts /oot*
My /oot considers "utting it out o/ its misery. 4hat a )aste. 9ill it. But I
can!t. I can!t e$en #ill mysel/ let alone something else. Sometimes I )ish
-od )ould stom" on me )ith one o/ his big :esus sandals.
(Loo#s u" a moment and holds out his arms. ;othing
ha""ens. He mo$es on*
Hal/ e1"ecting a big /oot /rom the clouds to crush me, I saunter on,
care/ully sideste""ing the su//ering.
(Sto"s, annoyed*
4hy sideste". 0a#e it on. ;o, li/e!s too short to ma#e it shorter. 9ee"
mo$ing.
(Marches around stage*
9ee" mo$ing. Le/t< Right< Le/t< Another ste" closer to death. Le/t< Le/t<
Marching to my doom.
(Suddenly sto"s and stares*
Someho), as i/ by magic, I!m at the boo#store. My )al# seemed so
directionless, but here I am. Magic. I belie$e in it no). I/ only magic
could ta#e me )here I really )ant to go.
(;er$ous and angry*
Inside5 she is inside. Doing her little boo# signing. I!ll gi$e you
something to sign5
(Starts to undo his "ants*
...as I dro" my "ants.
(Sto"s and does u" "ants again*
;o, I can!t do that.
(+"ens a "antomimed door to boo#store*
I ste" inside and ignore the greeter. 0he greet )ith the minimum )age
smile.
(0o imaginary greeter*
Don!t greet me. I!m not greetable. I!m $ery disagreetable today.
(Sto"s li#e a deer in a headlight, then mo$es =uic#ly*
0he store con/uses me and I stumble into the =uic# /i1 section. 0he handy
man boo#s on the shel$es moc# me.
(Moc#ingly*
Can!t you "ound a nail. Can!t you turn a scre). I!ll gi$e you something
to scre).
(Mo$es ner$ously*
I =uic#ly /lee the section be/ore I do something I )ill regret.
(Sto"s*
0o reach the signing, I ha$e to "ass through the sel/>hel" section. I "ause
to consider and go around through children!s boo#s instead.
(Mo$es on to C and sto"s at boo# rac#*
0he cute little "icture boo#s threaten to com/ort me. Stellaluna, the cute
little /ruit bat, so much li#e me5 losing her mother, a stranger among
strangers5
(Clutches boo# to chest and mo$es on*
9ee" going, #ee" going... almost there...
(Sto"s DC. Loo#s out into audience*
0hen I see her. Sitting there all smug in her author!s chair. A "oster )ith
a glamour headshot leans on an easel. Her )easely eyes glo)ing, her
scales airbrushed. 0he magic again. It made her beauti/ul.
(3oints*
?As# Lucy,@ the "oster says in big letters. 0hat is the name o/ her
ne)s"a"er column. E$ery )ee# losers as# Lucy /or her "earls o/ )isdom.
3earls among s)ine, their li$es consisting o/ )allo)ing in mud. 4hen
li/e gi$es you mud, ma#e mud "ie. Ha<
(;er$ous*
She is doing a signing o/ her latest boo#A A :ar o/ ;ic#els. :ar o/... )hat
does that mean. I!m not about to buy the boo# and /ind out.
(Shoc#ed )hen her realiBes something*
+h, my -od< I ha$e a 7ar o/ nic#els. My /ingers stro#e my "oc#et /ull o/
change. I #ee" 7ars. +ne 7ar has =uarters5 one 7ar has dimes5 another5
(Angry*
Aaaah< She is stealing my li/e, draining me... All /or her little boo#s.
(6reeBes as i/ caught*
Lucy sees me then. -ood old Lucy. She "retends not to notice me until
e$eryone has gone a)ay. 6inally, a dead moment and she calls me o$er.
(Loo#s at imaginary "erson*
?4hat are you doing here.@ she as#s =uietly, maybe uncom/ortable.
Scared. I e1"ect her any moment to cry, ?Loony in the boo#store<
Somebody call the hos"ital. Loony in the boo#store<@
(0urn into someone )ho is calm, cool, and collected*
I #ee" my com"osure. Dare I say I!m nonchalant. ?-ot a minute.@ I as#.
She has se$eral I thin#. Her area cleared out5 ;o more boo#s sold today
missy. She glances around, ?Loony alert< loony alert< loony...@ But she
decides to "lay nice. She says, ?Sure, I need a brea#. Come in bac# and
tal# to me, Charlie.@
(Mo$es to /ollo) her*
She leads me a)ay, getting me out o/ sight. Maybe some o/ her /ans
might recogniBe me. I should be /amous by no). I/ only the names
)eren!t changed to "rotect the innocent. Her cra$ing /or cigarettes is her
main moti$ation /or her brea# but I try to o$erloo# it. 4e end u" in a
sta// lounge or something. She lights u". I )atch the smo#e she creates.
Hers isn!t magic.
(0urns to )here she is su""osedly standing*
She gi$es me a loo#. ?I didn!t thin# you li$ed near here. Did you ta#e a
bus.@ She e1hales.
(-iggles*
0he dragon belches /ire. Hee hee. Dragon breath.
(Serious again*
?I )al#ed.@ 4hy don!t I tell her. Actually I don!t #no) )hat to say no).
She doesn!t care any)ay. ;o, she does care. She needs you. ;eeds you
/or her boo#s.
(S"ea#s )ea#ly*
?I!m scared.@
(0o audience*
?Scared.@ she echoes automatically. ?Scared o/ )hat.@
(Bac# to her )ea#ly*
?I don!t #no),@ I say. I don!t really. I!m not being di//icult. I )ant an
ans)er.
(Angry*
I as#ed my =uestion, Lucy. I )ant an ans)er<
(Annoyed*
She "ulls a line /rom her boo# /or me. ?0hin#. 2ou ha$e the ans)er
inside you.@ Easy out /or Lucy. Al)ays "utting it bac# on me li#e she
doesn!t #no)5
(0hought/ul*
+r maybe she )on!t tell me. Hiding the ans)ers /rom me.
(3leads )ith her*
?Can!t you tell me. :ust this once, tell me. I!m al)ays so a/raid, but I
don!t #no) )hy. 3lease, you!$e got to tell me )hy.@
(Sto"s and turns a)ay*
Des"erate. I sound des"erate. She hates that.
(0urns bac# to her*
She says to me, ?My brea#!s o$er,@ she crushes her cigarette out and
stands. I stand too and /ollo) her bac# to the signing area li#e an abused
"u""y. I/ I!d had a tail, it!d be gi$ing me a )edgie.
(3leading and /ollo)s*
?But I need to tal# no).@
(Sto"s and 7um"s bac#*
She coils and hisses, ?-o a)ay or I!ll call security.@
(De/lated*
I let her go. Bac# to her boo#s. Bac# to her signing.
(Annoyed*
Maybe I!d )rite my o)n boo#. I!d tell things about her. A "enny /or your
thoughts. Hers cost a nic#el. Ri">o//. 6raud. But my mouth is stuc# shut.
I am trained too )ell. +utbursts no longer allo)ed.
(4al#s a)ay to)ard DL*
-i$ing u", I start out. She!d ne$er see me again. I!d ma#e sure o/ it. 0his
is the end.
(Sto"s as i/ he!s seen an angel*
0hen I see the sign. 0he true sign. 0he magic sign that )ill sa$e me.
Cautiously I "eer inside the enclosure. A creature lur#s inside. A magical
one5 not a sna#e nor a dragon. 0he creature is glo)ing li#e an angel. I
)atch her silently but she sees me. Her smile greets me )armly. 0he
)armth /ills me more than a thousand sessions at the hos"ital.
(3oints to massage chair DL*
Inside is the chair. 0he chair. I )as ho"ing /or the chair.
(Reads imaginary sign*
CD /or D minutes in the chair. CED /or /i/teen. CE a minute, eh. I thro)
caution to the )ind, "ull the "lastic baggie in my "oc#et out, and /ish out
/i$e dollars in =uarters, dimes, and sorted other5
(Holds u" Saca7e)ea dollar li#e it is a sacred relic*
my gold dollar. Should I use the golden dollar.
(Loo#s to)ard chair*
0he angel )aits "atiently a/ter "re"aring the chair. I sign my name to her
roster and chec# D minutes. And she gi$es me 7ust that5 /i$e minutes o/
hea$en.
(Loo# e1"ectantly*
In a commanding $oice, she "oints to the chair "er/ectly suited /or "rayer.
She says, ?9neel, Mr. Bro)n.@
(-ets on chair*
I settle my legs onto the "ads.
(Loo#ing around chair*
My arms stretch out be/ore me, ?0he stra"s. 4here are the stra"s.@ She
laughs, thin#ing it a 7o#e. I laugh too. Al)ays laugh too. Let them eat
7o#es.
(Sitting u" so audience can see his /ace. He is in ecstasy*
0hen it ha""ens. Li#e a Billion $olts o/ electricity surging through me, she
begins, ta#ing me to another le$el o/ li$ing. So care/ul, so gentle5 Her
touch /lutters li#e a thousand angels )ings "ressing do)n on me.
(Holds out arms and closes eyes*
My body sli""ing a)ay, my s"irit soaring. 0he "ain dri"s a)ay li#e ice
cream on a summer day.
(3eace/ul*
0he radio "lays so/tly, a serenade. 0he song croons, ?As I lay me do)n to
slee", this I "ray...@ An angel!s song...
(Raises arms to)ard the s#y. S"otlight /alls on him as
other light /ade*
0he chair, gi$e me the chair. My li/e is o$er. I ha$e been deli$ered.
Hea$en has begun.
(S"otlight /ades to blac#*

E;D +6 3LA2