24: The Ultimate Script

By Dave Barry

6 A.M.
SETTING: THE WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM
The president, seen only in silhouette, sits at the head of a conference table. Seated around the table are the
vice president, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and various important-looking extras. The lighting is dim.

NOTE: Suggested Roles

ACTOR:

Vice President, FBI Director, General, Chief of Staff, Jack, 1st Terrorist, 1st Cabal
Member

ACTRESS: President, Doctor, Chloe, 2nd Terrorist, 2nd Cabal Member

INTRODUCTION
ACTOR:

Personally, I gave up on 24 during the second season, when Jack Bauer's daughter
was menaced by a cougar, but the show lasted a blockbuster eight years.
ACTRESS: Or, in show terms, eight days. See each episode only covers 1 clock hour in Bauers
rather mundane life . . . . Each season shows only 1 24 hour day . . . Eight years =
8 days . . . .but over those eight days secret agent Jack Bauer had to use a lot of
excessive force to save the country.
ACTOR:
How much excessive force? He killed TWO HUNDRED SIXTY SEVEN
PEOPLE. In eight days.
ACTRESS: In case you havent seen the series . . . Weve prepared a trailer for you . . . 1 hour
in less than 10 minutes!
ACTOR:
Move over Chuck Norris, the new man of the house is Jack Bauer. This is . . . .
TOGETHER: 24: The Ultimate Script by Dave Barry.

THE PRESIDENT: I've called you together because we have received intelligence
concerning a serious threat that could ... What is it, Mr. Vice President?

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THE VICE PRESIDENT: Why is the lighting so dim?

THE PRESIDENT: For dramatic effect. You'll also notice that many characters in
this show whisper for no good reason.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: (PEERING AT THE PRESIDENT) Wait a minute. You're a
kangaroo.
THE PRESIDENT: Yes. The writers already did an African-American president and
a woman president, so this season they were thinking, "Maybe a Jewish
president?" And then they thought, "Nah, too unrealistic." So they
went kangaroo. . . As I was saying, we have received intelligence
concerning a threat that could cause the deaths of millions of
Americans.
FBI DIRECTOR: We have reason to believe that a vaguely Middle Eastern
terrorist organization has acquired a proton defrackulator.
THE PRESIDENT: What's a proton defrackulator?
FBI DIRECTOR: We have no idea. But it sounds very bad.
THE PRESIDENT: Well, if these terrorists think I'm going to let them kill millions
of Americans on my watch just because I have short, thumb less
forelimbs, then they have another think coming. General, what do the Joint
Chiefs recommend?
GENERAL: We recommend an immediate tactical nuclear missile strike against Boston.
THE PRESIDENT: Is that where the terrorists are?
GENERAL: No, we just hate Boston.

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THE PRESIDENT: Fair enough. But we also need to do something about these terrorists.
CHIEF OF STAFF: There is only one man who can stop these terrorists, and that man is
Jack Bauer.
THE PRESIDENT: Bauer ... I know that name.
CHIEF OF STAFF: He's the main character.
THE PRESIDENT: Ah, right. But didn't he end the last season being arrested on
trumped-up charges after he was framed by a shadowy cabal of powerful
men?
CHIEF OF STAFF: That's how he ends every season.
THE PRESIDENT: So where is Bauer now?
CHIEF OF STAFF: He was imprisoned in a secret California prison facility.
THE PRESIDENT: Have him released.
CHIEF OF STAFF: He was also tortured.
THE PRESIDENT: Well, have a medical team ...
CHIEF OF STAFF: Then he was decapitated and fed to boars.
THE PRESIDENT: Whoa.
CHIEF OF STAFF: Fortunately, he was trained for exactly that.
THE PRESIDENT: Are you saying that he could ...
CHIEF OF STAFF: We won't know until after the commercial.

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COMMERCIAL

SETTING: THE INFIRMARY OF A SECRET CALIFORNIA PRISON

Jack Bauer is sitting on an examination table. There are boar bites all over his body and a bandage
wrapped around his neck. A doc tor has just finished examining him.

DOCTOR: You're going to experience some soreness from having your head reattached to
your body. I suggest you take it easy for at least the next hour.
JACK: Give me your phone.
DOCTOR: If you need to make a call, there's a phone in theJACK: Dammit, there's NO TIME!

Jack pulls a gun and shoots the doctor in the thigh. As the doctor falls to the floor, Jack snatches his cell
phone and dials a number. The scene shifts to an FBI office in Washington, D.C., where Chloe, sitting at her
computer, answers the phone.
CHLOE: Hello?
JACK: Chloe, it's Jack.
CHLOE: Jack? I thought you were decapitated and consumed by boars.
JACK: Not anymore. . A terrorist cell is bringing in a proton defrackulator.
CHLOE: That sounds bad.
JACK: I need a map showing the port of entry for every international freight
shipment in the past thirteen days weighing between fifty-two and
sixty-three kilograms, overlaid with another grid showing the locations
of all metropolitan areas with populations of twenty-eight thousand or
more, overlaid with another grid showing prevailing wind direction and

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speed, overlaid with another grid showing the location of every oddnumbered Waffle House in North America.
CHLOE (TAPPING ON HER KEYBOARD) I'm sending it now.

Jack looks at the cell-phone screen, which says: "DOWNLOADING."

JACK: Looks like they're bringing the defrackulator into the Washington area.
CHLOE: That makes sense. All the other main characters are here.
JACK: (STEPPING OVER THE DOCTOR AND HEADING FOR THE EXIT) I'll need
transport.
CHLOE: (TAPPING) I'll send a helicopter.

Jack runs outside. A helicopter immediately appears overhead.

JACK: I have a visual on it. Have the FBI set up a perimeter around Washington,
Maryland, and Virginia. Don't let anybody in or out. Shut down the
shipping lanes and set up satellite surveillance to detect anybody on the
Eastern Seaboard who looks vaguely Middle Eastern.
CHLOE: (TAPPING) I'm on it.

Jack runs to the helicopter. The pilot opens the door. Jack climbs in. The pilot gestures for Jack to put on
his seat belt. Jack shouts something, shoots the pilot in the thigh, throws him out of the chop~ per, grabs the
controls, and takes off

COMMERCIAL

SETTING: A SEAPORT
Two vaguely Middle-Eastern-looking terrorists are watching as a crane lowers a wooden crate from a
freighter to the pier. Stenciled on the side of the crate are the words "HARMLESS MACHINE PARTS."

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FIRST TERRORIST: Once the proton defrackulator is loaded into the van, we'll
take it to our secret hideout in Washington.
SECOND TERRORIST: Then we will activate it and carry out the plan to kill millions
of Americans.
FIRST TERRORIST: You should roll your "r"s, so our accents sound more alike.

The two men watch as dockworkers finish loading the crate into a white van. The first man pulls out a cell
phone and dials a number.

FIRST TERRORIST: (INTO PHONE) I have the floral centerpiece and will deliver
it to the wedding reception. (He ends the call.)
SECOND TERRORIST: Was that a coded message to the terrorist mastermind?
FIRST TERRORIST: No, that was my brother-in-law, the florist. I'm helping him
out with a wedding.
SECOND TERRORIST: Let's get going, then. Those millions of Americans aren't
going to kill themselves!

The two men enjoy a vaguely Middle Eastern laugh, then shoot the dockworkers, get into the van, and drive
away.
COMMERCIAL

SETTING: INSIDE THE HELICOPTER

lack is at the controls. The phone he took from the doctor rings. He plugs a Bluetooth headset into his ear.

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JACK: Jack Bauer.

CHLOE: Jack, we just got satellite recon video showing unusual activity at the Chevy
Chase seaport.
JACK: What kind of unusual activity?
CHLOE: Two men took possession of a crate exactly the size of a proton defrackulator,
loaded it into a van, and took off. Also they shot all the dockworkers.
JACK: Hmm. Were they swarthy?
CHLOE: (TAPPING) I'm uploading a photo.
JACK: (LOOKING AT PHONE) Those are terrorists, all right. Do you have a visual on
the van?
CHLOE: (TAPPING) Yes. The van stopped at a wedding reception to deliver a floral
centerpiece.
JACK: Copy that. Where's the van now?
CHLOE: It's heading toward the Department of Commerce building in downtown
Washington on Old Plankton Road.
JACK: Keep me posted. I'm landing at the White House now.

The chopper lands on the White House lawn. Jack jumps out, shoots a Marine attempting to salute him, and
strides into the White House. An instant later he enters the Situation Room.

THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Bauer, thank you for ... Whoa, are those boar bites?
JACK: There was also an ocelot. I'll be fine.

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THE PRESIDENT: Ouch. Anyway, thank you for coming from California in eight minutes.
Jack, what do you know about the plot?
JACK: The terrorists brought the proton defrackulator in through the Chevy Chase
seaport and are heading into Washington on Old Plankton Road.
THE PRESIDENT: General, what do the Joint Chiefs recommend?
JACK: There's no time for that. I'll need a tactical assault team of extras headed
by an attractive woman.
THE PRESIDENT: Done.
JACK: Also I may have to blow up the Department of Commerce. Apparently it's a
terrorist hideout.
THE PRESIDENT: I wondered what they did in there.

Jack strides out. For a moment the Situation Room is silent.

COMMERCIAL

SETTING: DOWNTOWN WASHINGTON, D.C.

Jack lands the helicopter outside the Department of Commerce Building. As he climbs out, an attractive
JACK: (SPEAKING INTO PHONE) Chloe, I need the building schematics now.
CHLOE: (TAPPING FURIOUSLY) Here are the schematics.
JACK: (FROWNING AT PHONE) According to these, we can enter the building
by ... the door.

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CHLOE: (TAPPING) Jack, there's something else.

JACK: What is it?
CHLOE: I just ran a cross-modulated algorithm sequentialization series on the
HEPCOM database, and for shocking-plottwist reasons that make no
logical sense, which is why I'm talking really fast and using random
technicalsounding buzzwords, your son is in that building.
JACK: I have a son?
CHLOE: Apparently this season you do.
JACK: We need to get to the proton defrackulator before the terrorists activate it
at the top of the hour.

Jack runs into the building, They are met in the lobby by a hail of bullets. Many extras go down. Jack pulls
a pistol and fires approximately eight hundred shots, each of which kills an enemy gunman. But more
gunmen keep appearing. Jack crouches behind a lamp. Tens of thousands of bullets ricochet around him.

JACK: (SHOUTING INTO BLUETOOTH HEADSET) Chloe, we're pinned down by

hostiles in the Department of Commerce!
CHLOE: I wondered what they did in there.
JACK: (SHOUTING) I need the location of the defrackulator!
CHLOE: (TAPPING) It's in the basement, next to the National Aquarium.
JACK: Why is the National Aquarium in the Commerce Department Building?
CHLOE: (TAPPING) Nobody knows. Jack, there's something else. They've put your
son into the octopus tank.

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Through a blizzard of bullets, Jack runs across the lobby, killing people en route. He runs into an elevator,
which contains fourteen hostile gunmen. The door closes. As the elevator descends, Jack and the gunmen
engage in a fierce gunfight, during which he kills them all. The door opens and Jack stumbles out of the
elevator into the basement
.
JACK: (SHOUTING INTO HEADSET) Which way?
CHLOE: (TAPPING) To the right! Hurry, Jack! We're almost at the top of the hour!

Jack runs to his right. Ahead is the aquarium tank; inside it, in the grasp of an octopus, is a young man,
played by Keanu Reeves. Next to the tank is one of the terrorists, doing something to what looks like a large
espresso machine.

JACK: (AIMING GUN) Step away from the defrackulator NOW!

TERRORIST: You're too late, Bauer!

As Jack looks toward his son, Chloe's voice shouts in his earpiece.
CHLOE: Jack! Look out behind you!

Jack starts to turn, but he's too late. The second terrorist leaps from a hallway with a machete and whacks
Jack's head off.

CHLOE: Jack! Are you all right?

JACK'S HEAD: (ON FLOOR) I'll be fine.
FIRST TERRORIST: (PUSHING A BUTTON) The proton defrackulator has been
activated!
JACK'S HEAD: What does it do, anyway?
FIRST TERRORIST: We actually don't know. But we assume it's bad.

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The camera zooms in on the proton defrackulator to reveal a digital timer counting down . . . 15 . . . 14 . . .
13 . . .

COMMERCIAL
JACK BAUER'S VOICE: Following are scenes from next week's 24.

SETTING: THE WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM

CHIEF OF STAFF: Madam President, Newark is gone.
THE PRESIDENT: Newark, New Jersey, or Newark, Delaware?
CHIEF OF STAFF: What difference does it make?
THE PRESIDENT: Good point!

Everybody enjoys a hearty laugh. QUICK CUT TO: A DIMLY LIT ROOM
Jack, his head hastily reattached to his body with blood-soaked duct tape, stands over a shadowy figure in
a chair. Jack is holding a power drill in one hand and a bottle of Tabasco sauce in the other.

JACK: You're going to talk, do you understand? I'm going to make you talk.

The camera slowly pans around to reveal that the figure in the chair is: the octopus.
QUICK CUT TO: THE SECRET HEADQUARTERS OF THE SHADOWY CABAL THAT RUNS
EVERYTHING
Two shadowy cabal members are smoking cigars in a dimly lit room.

FIRST CABAL MEMBER: We need to have Bauer arrested on trumped-up charges

again before he finds out what we're really planning, which will have
nothing whatsoever to do with anything that has happened so far.

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SECOND CABAL MEMBER: What are we really planning?

FIRST CABAL MEMBER: Those episodes aren't written yet.

SOURCE INFORMATION
Author: Dave Barry
Book: Ill Mature When Im Dead
ISBN: 978-0399156502
Publisher: Putnam Adult
Date (Month/Year): May 2010

AWARD HISTORY
2012 National Qualifier
2014 National Qualifier

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