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RESOLVING CONFLICTS ON
THE JOB
S E C O N D

E D I T I O N

Bill Withers
and Jerry Wisinski

American Management Association

New York Atlanta Brussels Chicago Mexico City San Francisco
Shanghai Tokyo Toronto Washington, D.C.

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Special discounts on bulk quantities of AMACOM books are

available to corporations, professional associations, and other
organizations. For details, contact Special Sales Department,
AMACOM, a division of American Management Association,
1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019.
Tel: 212-903-8316. Fax: 212-903-8083.
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legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or
other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent
professional person should be sought.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Withers, Bill.
Resolving conflicts on the job / Bill Withers and Jerry Wisinski.2nd ed.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN-13: 978-0-8144-7413-6 (pbk.)
ISBN-10: 0-8144-7413-6 (pbk.)
1. Conflict management. I. Wisinski, Jerry. II. Title.
HD42.W573 2007
658.4053dc22
2007007078
 2007 American Management Association
All rights reserved.
Printed in the United States of America.
This publication may not be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system,
or transmitted in whole or in part,
in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise,
without the prior written permission of AMACOM,
a division of American Management Association,
1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019.
Printing number
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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To Julia

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CONTENTS

Preface to the Second Edition

ix

Preface to the First Edition

xiii

A Brief Overview of Conflict

Why People Fight at Work

Five Ways to Engage Conflict

13

Ways to Listen

19

Ways to Give (and Receive) Feedback

27

Conflict Styles

32

Staying Cool in a Conflict

39

Ways to Engage Conflict on the JobUp, Down, and

Sideways

44

Ways to Work with Teams in Conflict

60

10

Can All This Conflict Be Good for Me?

67

11

Why Do I Care?

70

AppendixBe Prepared

75

Further Reading

89

Index

91
vii

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PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION

elling people how to think about conflict makes about as much

sense as teaching dogs how to think about eating. By the time
we are adults, we know a lot about conflict and know what we
think about it. We face conflict every dayas we struggle within
ourselves, and as we interact with family, friends, coworkers, and
the rest of our world.
As adults, we have organized what we have learned about conflict into our own personal theories. We know what conflict is and
where it comes from, what we think about it, and how we go about
it. We know what works for us, and what doesnt. We know when
we should adhere to our theory and when we should try something
else. We know when we are trying something else because we think
it is good for us, and when we are trying something else because
we are backsliding.
When I spend time with groups of adults who come to workshops to learn about conflict, I tell them that they are a room full
of experts. They have all organized their experience into a set of
rules for what to do whentheir personal theories of conflict. The
only reason for these experts to come together is to compare notes
or to learn about other peoples approaches. As the teacher, I may
have spent more time reading, thinking about, and consciously observing conflict than they have. I may be able to share some theories
about conflict that are different from the ones they have crafted.
They get a chance to try some ideas on for size, compare notes with
the other experts in the room, and just maybe come away with
some new actions to apply to their daily lives.
In these workshops, we always leave room for frinstances.
This is a half hour or more at the end of the workshop when participants can ask about specific applications: Frinstance, theres this
guy at work. . . . Nine times out of ten the person posing the case
ix

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Preface to the Second Edition

knows just what needs to be done and wants to hear from me or

the group that there is some easier way or wants reassurance that
he or she can act without risk. Sometimes, though, the person will
come up with something entirely newa different way of seeing
the conflict, a different way to act, a different way to react, or a
different way to think or feel.
This is when real learning takes place.
In the first edition of this book, Jerry Wisinski created a similar
pattern for learningthat is, the chapters have some ideas for you
to think about that are followed by exercises to help you reflect on
what you are learning and to see if you can apply this knowledge
to your life. We have updated some language in this new edition to
reflect advances in the field since 1993, and we added some new
things to think about that I have culled from my experience as a
mediator and a teacher, and from my work with people at all levels
of businesses and nonprofit organizations. A new chapter on giving
and receiving feedback will be helpful to people who dread that
infamous management task. The chapter on teamwork has been
updated, and there are new tools for reflecting on conflict and to
help you to analyze specific conflicts you are working through and
for planning how you can best approach another person at work
with whom you may be having a difference.
The appendix at the end of the book pulls many of the reflective
questions together to help you to remember what you have learned
and to apply it to your own real-world situation.
As you read, think of your own frinstances and use those to
work through the exercises. The exercises are simple, and if you
only read through them, you will find nothing helpful in them. If,
instead, you write out your answers and use the exercises to help
you to think through your own frinstances, you may be surprised to learn what a conflict expert you really are.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The exercises in this book are meant for you to perform alone as
reflection pieces. Some are based on training exercises for groups

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Preface to the Second Edition

xi

introduced in my book The Conflict Management Skills Workshop

and in The Conflict and Communication Activity Book, which I
wrote with Keami D. Lewis. I am grateful to Keami for her help in
clarifying, testing, and reporting those exercises.
The many people who have contributed to my thinking by participating in workshops and seminars, and especially those who
have honored me by allowing me to work with them as a mediator,
continue to help me by sharing their own expertise and experience. Thanks to all of you for being my best teachers.
Bill Withers
January 2007
Ellicott City, Maryland

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PREFACE TO THE FIRST EDITION

ll relationships, personal and professional, experience some

kind of conflict. This is normal, natural, and sometimes even
necessary for continued growth and development.
Resolving Conflicts on the Job focuses on managing conflict in
your professional life. However, many of the techniques described
can be applied successfully in managing conflicts in your personal
life as well. These techniques include:

Sources of conflict

Management methods

Communication models

Active listening skills

Giving and accepting criticism

Assertiveness theory

Approach and possible outcome vary according to who is involved in the conflict, so there is also a chapter that addresses handling differences with bosses, peers, and employees.
This book is designed to be interactive; in addition to thoroughly examining the elements surrounding conflict, you will find
case studies containing questions to answer. In many instances,
your current experience will establish the case study itself. Again,
there will be questions to help you determine the best approach to
dealing with your individual situation.
Some people feel it is best to avoid conflict. While this may be
appropriate at times, it is not always recommended. The main
issue with conflict is not so much that it occurs, but how you manage it when it does. The following chapters will help you examine
this concept further and give you the tools you need to manage
conflicts when they occur.
xiii

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RESOLVING CONFLICTS ON THE JOB

S E C O N D

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CHAPTER I

A BRIEF OVERVIEW OF CONFLICT

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onflict is a fact of life. Every one of us has been involved in

conflict and has survived the experience. We all have some
idea, then, of how to deal with conflict. We also all know that a
conflict ignored does not go away, andthough we may not look
forward to itwe also know that it is preferable to figure out how
best to deal with the conflict rather than pretend that it will disappear.

THE POSITIVE VIEW OF CONFLICT

Its easy to think of conflict at work as a bad thingsomething to be
avoided at all costs. Associated with undesirable behavior, conflict
seems to be a characteristic of individuals who cant get along with
others, arent team players, or simply dont fit in. In fact, there are
plenty of books and websites that tell us how to work with so-called
difficult people.
As you work through the exercises in this book, try to decide
what to change about your approaches to conflict in order to make
conflict more constructive for you. A good question that I ask myself about difficult people is, What am I doing that is contributing
to making this person difficult?

MYTHS AND TRUTHS ABOUT CONFLICT

Many of us hold strong negative feelings about conflict. When we
start a workshop by asking people to speak briefly about their view
of conflict, the vast majority say they hate it or avoid it at all costs.
What is easy to forget is that we engage in conflict as part of every
human activity. Here are some conflict myths and truths for
you to consider:
Myths
Conflict at work always means that there is something seriously wrong with the company or organization. Not always. When
handled effectively, conflict can help people meet their goals and
objectives within your team or department, with other depart-

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A Brief Overview of Conflict

ments, and even throughout your entire organization. Constructive

conflict even allows us to create new solutions by incorporating
ideas from several points of view.
Conflict means communication has come to a halt. When
we know how to positively engage each other in a conflict, it can
provide the opportunity for us to clarify issues, create innovative
solutions, and strengthen relationships.

If avoided, conflict will eventually go away. Not usually.

Minor issues may sometimes resolve themselves, but more often
than not, conflict needs to be addressed in order to be positive.
All conflicts can be resolved. That would be nice, wouldnt
it? However, because you have different values from others, there
will be times when you simply cannot agree on certain issues. So,
we make choices about which differences to engage for solutions,
which differences to engage for learning, and which differences to
leave alone.

Conflict always results in a winner and a loser. Not true.

There are many possible outcomes to a conflict. In fact, when mutual desire exists to resolve the differences, you can increase the
chances for a win/win result.
Truths
Conflict will occur. Without question. It is a natural dynamic
when interacting with others. The more important question is what
you do with conflict when it occurs.
Most conflicts can be managed. Well, you cant fix everything, and you cant always get what you want. But most, if not all,
differences can be engaged in a constructive way. You have at least
five options at your disposal: competition, accommodation, avoidance, compromise, and collaboration. Then again, you can always
agree to disagree. Most of the time, one of these options will enable
you to manage your differences.

Conflict can help build relationships. This may sound contradictory, but its true. In attempting to deal with differences that
are important to you, it is possible to strengthen relationships with

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Resolving Conflicts on the Job

bosses, peers, and employees. When we know how to work with

people in conflict situations, we learn about ourselves, our beliefs,
and each other.
Conflict can be a tool for personal development. In the
process of addressing differences, we are exposed to new ideas and
have the opportunity to reassess our thinking and how we act on
it. Take a few minutes and answer the following questions to begin
setting the stage for your learning as you work through this book.
1. With whom are you currently experiencing differences at work?
Boss(es)/upper management?

Peers?

Employees?

2. Recently, what conflicts have you handled well?

Describe the conflict:

What did you do?

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A Brief Overview of Conflict

How did things work out?

Describe the conflict:

What did you do?

How did things work out?

3. What workplace conflicts have you not handled well?

Describe the conflict:

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Resolving Conflicts on the Job

What did you do?

How did things work out?

4. What do you think would happen if you approached the person(s) you listed?
Name:
What might you say or do?

What do you think might happen?

Name:
What might you say or do?

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A Brief Overview of Conflict

What do you think might happen?

If you are unhappy with some of the answers to these questions, use this book to learn more about some of the issues surrounding conflict in the workplace and to learn some tools to help
you to address differences as they occur.

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CHAPTER II

WHY PEOPLE FIGHT AT WORK

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Why People Fight at Work

e can divide most of what people fight over into three general
categories: not enough stuff to go around, goals they want to
reach, and different ways of seeing the world. Most often at work,
conflicts seem to be about resources, turf boundaries, or conflicting
goals. Although these issues may present themselves as the conflict,
what we value often plays a big part in how conflicts play themselves out.
Consider the following case studies.

CASE STUDY 1
Mary and Tom are working together on a very important project.
The project is on schedule, but just barely. Because they can
only work together in the afternoon, Mary suggests staying an
hour or so later to gain a little cushion on the deadline. Tom
wont hear of it. The way Tom sees it, he puts in a full days effort
and is not about to give up any personal time. Besides, he says,
the project is on schedule.

1. What is the potential conflict here?

2. What is Marys work value regarding the project?

3. What is Toms work value regarding the project?

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Resolving Conflicts on the Job

Who is right here, Mary or Tom? Can they both be right? Is this
one of those times when there is more than one way to see and
respond to what is going on?

CASE STUDY 2
As a manager, John has always performed to the utmost of his
ability. He is also a true believer in climbing the corporate ladder.
Peggywho reports to Johnmeets every one of her performance goals and always receives good reviews. John feels
that if Peggy really applied herself, she could do even better and
move up in the organization. It frustrates John that Peggy seems
to be so involved outside work. She is president of the PTA at
her sons school and does a lot of volunteer work in her community.
Because John sees how focused Peggy is at work and outside, he thinks that if she would channel all her energy into her
job, she would quickly be promoted. John has tried to explain
the potential for growth in the company, but Peggy just doesnt
seem interested.

1. What is the potential conflict here?

2. How does John view success?

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Why People Fight at Work

11

3. How might Peggy view success?

4. How do you think John should handle this situation?

VALUES
It is common for us to want other people to see things the same
way that we doespecially about what we would consider to be
core work values such as getting a project finished, balancing work
and family, or advancing in our profession. However, we each have
our own value system through which we determine our priorities.
When different priorities collide, conflict is often the result. How
we engage these differences becomes critically important.
The roots of your value system can be traced back to your early
childhood, school years, adolescence, early adulthood, and significant events in your adult life. However, how are they developed?
Why are yours different from others? How do you know which ones
are right? Can your values be changed? These are important questions when examining your values in contrast to the values of other
people.

CONFLICTING GOALS AND OBJECTIVES

Sometimes conflict over goals at work is the result of poor communication and planning. The goals and objectives of one department
may clash with those of another department.

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Resolving Conflicts on the Job

LIMITED RESOURCES
Limited resources can mean practically anything: not enough employees, lack of space, shortage of finances, outdated equipment,
and so on.

THE DOMINO EFFECT

The domino effect is the product of poor planning and communication breakdown. It occurs when the activities of one department
have an impact on the activities of another department, the activities of which have an impact on yet another department, and on
and on.
Example: The director of sales has promised his employees an
all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii if they increase widget sales by 15
percent over the next quarter. The sales staff is very excited, and
sales begin increasing immediately. However, no one has told the
production department, which immediately falls behind; or the
shipping department, which wont have enough widget boxes if
production catches up; or customer service, which will surely become involved when the widgets dont arrive as promised by the
salespeople who wanted to go to Hawaii.
How would you address this problem?

How would you keep this problem from happening in the first
place?

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CHAPTER III

FIVE WAYS TO ENGAGE CONFLICT

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Resolving Conflicts on the Job

s stated in Chapter 1, conflict is inevitable. The real issue is

how we deal with it. We cant always avoid it, nor can we always resolve it, but we can often engage it in some productive way.
How we tend to view conflict can influence how we react when
it happens. We can see conflict as a contest to win, as a problem to
solve, or as an opportunity to learn about ourselves and others.
If we see conflict as a contest to win, there have to be winners
and losers. Somebody is going to be disappointed. If our contest
ends up in a tie, both parties can end up disappointed. If we see
conflict as a problem to solve, we analyze the conflict and look for
solutions. We can work on these solutions by ourselves and present
them to the other side, or we can work with the other side to generate solutions together. If we see conflict as a chance to learn, we
can approach it in a completely different way. If we want to learn
about the conflict, we need to invite both sides to examine the
source of the difference, the source of our thinking about the difference, and be willing to challenge sometimes long-held opinions or
conclusions about the difference.
Here are five common methods people use to engage conflict.

COMPETITION (WIN/LOSE)
The competitive, win/lose approach to conflict is an attempt at
complete dominance. It is a winner take all position. Usually, the
focus is on winning the conflict at all costs, rather than on searching
for the most appropriate solution for everyone involved.
The win/lose approach is a power-based mode. You use whatever power you think you have available to win people over to
your position. If you see conflict as a contest to be won, then your
approach to winning that conflict is to use everything you can to
defeat the other side, such as rank, influence, alliances, money, and
so forth.

ACCOMMODATION (LOSE/WIN)
Accommodation is a variation on the competitive approach. With
this method, you are willing to lose the contest to the other per-

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Five Ways to Engage Conflict

15

son. Some of us seem to approach all conflict this way, but accommodation is different from just caving in.
Effective application of the lose/win approach comes from an
assertive position. You can actually assertively choose to accommodate for reasons other than timidity or avoidance.
You may choose to accommodate when dealing with the following situations:

It is more important to preserve the relationship than to argue

the issue.

The issue is more important to the other person than it is to

you.

You want to send a signal to the other side that you are a reasonable person.

You want to encourage others to express their own point of

view.

You want others to learn by their own choices and actions.

AVOIDANCE (LOSE/LOSE)
On the surface, avoiding conflict appears to be inappropriate for
resolving differences. Avoidance is often seen as a fear response,
an unwillingness to cooperate, or a denial that a problem exists.
Avoidance is referred to as the lose/lose outcome because the
avoider seems unable to even deal with the issue, much less manage or resolve it.
However, when appropriately applied, avoidance can actually
help to resolve differences between two people.
Example: In the heat of an argument when nothing seems to
be getting accomplished, temporary avoidance gives each party
time to cool off: Phil, this isnt getting us anywhere. Why dont we
give it a rest for a while and discuss it later when weve both calmed
down a little?
When this approach is used, it is important that the person who
calls the time-out initiate the issue again within an appropriate
amount of time. If this doesnt happen, the temporary avoidance

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Resolving Conflicts on the Job

can be perceived as a manipulative move used to simply ignore or

to avoid the issue entirely.
You may choose to avoid a particular conflict when faced with
the following conditions:

Others can resolve the conflict more effectively.

The negative impact of the situation itself may be too damaging
or costly to both parties involved.
Additional time is required.
Both parties need a chance to cool off.

COMPROMISE (WIN/LOSEWIN/LOSE)
Compromise strategies include negotiation, trade-offs, swapping,
and a high degree of flexibility. It is referred to as the win/lose
win/lose position because, although you will get some of what you
want, you will also have to give up something else in the process.
It is important to decide in advance how much you are willing
to give away before you begin to negotiate. In other words, you
need to set limits. This doesnt necessarily mean you must give
away everything up to that point; setting limits in advance simply
gives you a range within which you can negotiate effectively.
When using compromise to resolve differences, you indicate
concern not only for your own objectives but also for maintenance
of the relationship. Compromise is an attempt to find the common
ground of agreement. Both parties win some aspects of the issue
while giving up others.
You may choose to compromise in order to accomplish the following:

Reach agreement when both sides have equal power

Find a common ground when both parties have competing
goals
Achieve temporary settlement in complex matters
Reach a solution under difficult circumstances or time pressures
Advance personal objectives while preserving the relationship

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Five Ways to Engage Conflict

17

COLLABORATION (WIN/WIN)
When people are collaborating, there is a maximum concern both
for the issues and for the maintenance of the relationship on both
sides. Collaboration requires a climate that will enable each person
to examine and understand the other persons point of view. It is
referred to as the win/win approach because it involves identifying
those areas where agreements exist and where there are differences, evaluating alternatives, and selecting solutions that have the
full support and commitment of both parties.
This kind of problem solving requires an atmosphere of trust,
the surfacing of hidden agendas, and the willingness to be creative
in order to reach resolution. In addition, certain conditions must
be agreed upon to achieve the win/win result.
Conditions for Successful Collaboration

Willingness to Resolve. Both parties must be willing to resolve the conflict.

Willingness to Go to the Root Problem. Often, what appears

to be the problem is only a symptom of the real issue. Both parties
must be willing to explore the origins of the conflict in order to
identify its true source and deal with it.
Willingness to Empathize. Feelings are always a part of conflict. Both sides need to be willing to understand the other persons
feelings and point of view, even though they might not agree with
each other. Agreement isnt the issue. The point is to understand
and respect the other persons position.

You may choose to collaborate when you want to accomplish

the following:

Preserve important objectives that cant be compromised while

still maintaining the relationship

Merge experiences and feelings from people who have different

backgrounds and perspectives

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Resolving Conflicts on the Job

Create new joint alternatives

Get at unresolved root problems that may have hindered the

working relationship over a long period of time

The key to using these different approaches to conflict engagement is to choose consciously based upon the conflict and what
you would like to have happen.
Think of a conflict at work.
1. What do you want?

2. What is at stake?

3. What approach should you use?

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CHAPTER IV

WAYS TO LISTEN

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Resolving Conflicts on the Job

ost of us think that we are good listeners. Most of us arent.

Listening is not the natural process we think it is because
of the time difference between the relatively slow rate of speech
and the much faster rate of processing. On average, we speak at
approximately 125 to 150 words per minute, depending on the
culture we were raised in and where we currently live. For example, if were from the city, we may tend to talk very fast; if were
from the country, we may tend to talk rather slowly. However, no
matter where were from, our processing rate is four to six times
our speaking rate. In short, most of us can process much faster than
someone else can talk.
This leaves us with a lot of free time to do other things while
the other person is speaking. We drift off, fantasize, or travel down
our minds highway on a mental vacation. Of course, every now
and then we check back in by nodding our head, muttering uhhuh, or oh, really, or no kidding? or whatever. But were not
really listening, and were certainly not responding.

FIVE LEVELS OF ACTIVE LISTENING

AND RESPONDING SKILLS
Here is a list of five levels of active listening and responding skills,
beginning with the simplest and graduating to the more complex.

Level 1. Basic Acknowledgments

Some of the basic acknowledgments have already been mentioned.
Nonverbal responses include head nodding, leaning forward or
backward, folding or unfolding arms, making eye contact or looking away, and so on. Verbal responses include saying, uh-huh,
oh, really, no kidding? nah, huh? and so on.
Although these responses are basic, they are nonetheless necessary in letting the speaker know youre listening. Of course, you can
use these same responses to take that mental vacation discussed
previously. However, the positive intention of these basic acknowl-

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Ways to Listen

21

edgments is to indicate that you are actively listening to what is

being said.

Level 2. Silence
As the saying goes, Silence is golden. This statement could not
be truer than when applied to engaging conflict. However, silence
is difficult for most of us. We are conditioned to speak rather than
listen. But when we are able to discipline ourselves to be silent, we
usually find out more information from the speaker.
When you reach a natural pause in what youre saying, you normally expect the listener to respond to you. If there is silence, you
probably have a tendency to add additional information. A good
interviewer uses this method when trying to get at information the
interviewee may not have originally wanted to reveal.
Silence can also be a powerful opportunity to take time to think
or to change the pace of a conversation. Practice stopping to think
before speaking. As you become comfortable with silence, you will
be less likely to fall victim to the urge to fill it with talk.

Level 3. Questions
The idea of asking questions may seem contradictory at first: How
can you be listening if youre asking questions? In fact, asking questions not only tells the speaker that youre interested in what is
being said, it also tells the speaker that you want to know more.
Asking questions helps to gain a better understanding of the other
persons point of view.

Level 4. Paraphrasing
Paraphrasing is a response tool used to verify understanding on the
part of the listener. It focuses on content and involves interpreting
what you think the speaker has said, then getting verification that
you are correct. There are certain steps to take when using the
paraphrasing process. They are outlined in the box Steps for Paraphrasing.

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Steps for Paraphrasing

Let the other person finish speaking. Although this is generally the rule, a courteous interruption is sometimes appropriate.
Beginning with a phrase such as, Excuse me, but let me see if I
understand what youre saying, is better than not interrupting and
then missing the message.

Restate what you think the other person has said. The intent here is not to parrot the speaker but to repeat in your own
words what you think has been said.
If the speaker confirms your understanding, continue the
conversation.
If the speaker indicates that you have misunderstood what
has been said, then ask the speaker to repeat. When attempting
to resolve differences, how you handle your misunderstandings is
important. If you tell someone, Youre not making yourself
clear . . . , you may sound accusatory and perhaps intensify the
situation. Conversely, if you say, Im not understanding you; could
you say that again? you are choosing more neutral language while
asking for clarification.

There is one caution when using paraphrasing: Dont overuse

it. You can always tell when someone has just completed a course
in listening skills. After passing the person in the hallway, you nod
and say, Good morning, how are you doing? If the person stops
you and says, Excuse me, let me see if I understand what youre
saying . . . , he or she has just been to a seminar and is in the midst
of paraphrasing everything.
Paraphrasing should be used in order to:
1. Summarize
2. Clarify a critical thought
3. Confirm your understanding
It is not intended to be used in superficial conversations.

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Level 5. Reflective Listening

As stated previously, paraphrasing focuses on clarity of content. In
contrast, reflective listening focuses on responding to the speakers
emotion.
How you phrase your statements is critical. If you are emotionally involved, it is very easy to sound accusatory rather than concerned.
Here are some examples of reflective listening:
Accusatory Reflective Statements

Well, look at this, youre [emotion].

Go ahead, feel [emotion].

I knew you would react like a(an) [emotion] person.

Concerned Reflective Statements

You seem [emotion] about this.

Im concerned about your [emotion].

I think youre feeling [emotion] right now.

The real value of reflective listening is that it tells the speaker

you are working to understand not only what he or she is saying
but also how he or she feels about it.
1. Who is the best listener you know?

2. What specifically does this person do when listening?

3. How would others rate you as a listener? What levels do you

currently use? Which do you need to develop?

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LISTENING AND RESPONDING

TO THE EXCESSIVE TALKER
It is important to remember that what is excessive talking for one
person may be just the right amount of information or enthusiasm
for another. Many people are most comfortable processing information by thinking aloud. To a person who talks little and moves
quickly to conclusions, this seems like far too much talk. To another
person whose brain works the same way, it may seem perfectly
normal.
Listening and responding to the excessive talker is difficult, but
it is not impossible. However, you must actively engage in the conversation to get the information you need presented in the way that
you need it. There are two tools you can use to do this.
1. Interrupting. As a child, you were probably taught not to
interrupt, but you can use interrupting to better participate in the
conversation. Phrases such as Excuse me, but . . . or Let me see
if I understand you . . . allow us to break into the conversation
and ask for specific information without putting the speaker on the
defensive.
Some people who talk a lot also interrupt a lot. Interrupting
may very well be a part of their everyday approach to conversation.
A good way to check is to interrupt and see if they mind.
2. Focusing. In effect, focusing is asking the speaker to come
to the point. A simple phrase such as So, your point is . . . or
Then the bottom line is . . . will usually help put the conversation
back on track.
Depending on your relationship with the speaker, perhaps you
could tactfully let the speaker know that you would like to work on

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25

how you exchange information. Give an example of what will work

for you, see what the other person prefers, and be willing to compromise. We run the risk of hurting feelings or perhaps causing
temporary conflict, but it may help in the long run, making it worth
the effort.
How well you listen can be a strong signal to others about how
valuable you consider their ideas and feelings to be.
Think of a conflict you were involved in that you wish you could
do over.
1. How well did you listen?

2. What would you do differently?

3. Think of a conflict you were involved in that you feel you handled well.

4. What listening approach(es) did you use?

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5. What will you do next time?

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CHAPTER V

WAYS TO GIVE (AND RECEIVE) FEEDBACK

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e all want to be able to tell other people what we think of

them without getting into trouble. The following seven rules
for feedback can help us do this.

SEVEN RULES OF GIVING FEEDBACK

Most of us think that we can usually accept constructive criticism if
it is delivered the right way. But what is the right way? If you are
giving someone feedback at work that wasnt asked for, chances are
you are the boss. This leads us to our first rule of giving feedback.

1. Use Authority Lightly

If you are in charge, the person you are talking to knows it. There
is no need to constantly remind him or her of this fact. For many
of us, receiving any communication from someone in charge makes
us instantly defensive. See what you can do to downplay the differences in position.
The second rule of giving feedback will help you with this goal.

2. Choose the Setting Well

If the communication is important enough to have, then choose a
setting where it will be easiest to hear. Important feedback should
not be delivered when passing in the hallway or on the elevator,
on a noisy shop floor, or in front of a lot of people. If you are in
your office, can you set the furniture up to minimize the intimidation factor? Coming around the desk and sitting next to the person
can go a long way to reducing some of the tension caused by having
to talk with the boss.

3. Arrange the Feedback in Advance

Just as designing the setting is important, so is choosing the time.
Nobody likes to be ambushed. A good approach is to let the person
know that you will be talking about whatever the issue is in advance. A better approach is to schedule the feedback when you

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schedule the expectation: Well meet every Thursday at 3:00 to go

over your progress on this project.
Of course, in order to do that, you need to follow the fourth
rule of giving feedback.

4. No Surprises
If there are no surprises, then why does the person need feedback?
No surprises means that clear and specific expectations were set
in advance of the feedback session. You have agreed not only to
what is expected but also that the feedback will be at a certain time,
in a certain structure, and about specific items.

5. Be Specific
People listen better to feedback when it is clear and concise. If the
feedback is about job performance, pick one item to talk about. Try
the following format for your feedback:
We agreed that you would complete
by
. At this point, you have done
. We
need to
.
If the feedback is about some behavior that has upset you, be
sure that you are calm and then try this format:
When you do
, it makes me feel
.
I need you to do
instead.
There is nothing fancy about these statements. In fact, you want
to avoid fancy. Stick to facts as you see them, avoid personal attacks,
say your one or two sentences, then be quiet and follow rule number six.

6. Listen
If you stop at rule five, you will have given feedback. If you want
the feedback to be heardand if you want future feedback sessions
to go wellyou need to speak your piece, ask, What ideas do you
have? and then be quiet and listen. If you ask the question honestly and are open to alternatives, you may discover new ways to
improve the situation.

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In order to do this, you need to be willing to listen to feedback

from other people. One way to make this easier for you is to agree
on the approach to giving and getting feedback with the other person. Share this chapter with people with whom you need to exchange feedback. Stick to the script, forgive yourself and each other
if you make mistakes while you are learning, and take some time to
follow rule number seven.

7. Check In
Two other questions you are allowed to ask while still keeping feedback simple are, How did I do? and Do you understand?
Checking in with the other person who is giving you feedback or
getting it from you is the best way to find out if you are having the
effect you desire. Ask these questions and then see rule number
six.

WHAT IF THE PERSON GETS MAD ANYWAY?

Of course, sometimes we still get upset when people give us feedback. Knowing how to handle other peoples anger or frustration
is an important skill when giving feedback. Even our best efforts
can be answered with anger, and it is nearly impossible to settle
differences when emotions are in the way. However, there is a twostep method for dealing with this type of situation.
The Two-Step Method for Dealing with Anger
1. Allow the person to express the emotion. As mentioned previously, it is nearly impossible to resolve an issue when emotions
are in the way. Therefore, your first step is to allow the person to
express her or his emotion. It is important not to take things personally when attempting this first step.
Using statements like, I can see youre upset, or I can understand that youre angry, should help in this step. Although
these statements indicate empathy, they do not necessarily indicate
agreement.

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2. Deal with the content. After the individual has released his
or her anger, you can begin to address the reasons for that feeling.
Apologize if you have done something you should apologize for
doing. Remind the person of whatever performance or actions you
had previously agreed to, solicit ideas for improvement, and listen.
Generate solutions together, including a plan for what to do the
next time feedback is delivered.

PREPARING FOR YOUR FEEDBACK SESSION

As you will see in Chapter 7, it is not usually helpful to overstrategize when you want to talk someone. It can help, though, to organize your thinking before starting a difficult conversation. Here are
some questions to think about before your feedback session.
You may be the nicest person in the world, but if youre the
boss, it is still a little scary to get feedback from you. What can you
do to help the other person feel less threatened before, during, and
after your feedback session?
Where should you have this conversation? What effect might
your choice of setting have on your attitude and on the other persons attitude?
What can you do to set the stage in advance? Can you e-mail
an agenda? Schedule regular sessions for feedback? Ensure that all
expectations are very clear?
How can you be sure that your feedback is specific? What is the
topic that you need to cover? What clear examples can you give to
illustrate successes and shortcomings? What behavior would you
like to see going forward? How will you follow up?

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CHAPTER VI

CONFLICT STYLES

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any books written about conflict discuss various conflict

styles, based on the idea that we each have a dominant way
of engaging in conflict. Experience shows us, though, that each of
us can use any of these styles and that we choose to use the one
that we think will work best. Sometimes, the choice may be unconscious or the result of habitfor example, we always act a certain
way when arguing with our sister.
So, no matter our personalities, we shift our approach to conflict and may make poor choices. Knowing some of the approaches
will help us to make effective choices.
Four commonly recognized conflict behaviors are:
1. Aggressive
2. Nonassertive
3. Passive-aggressive
4. Assertive
In considering the profiles of these styles, you can examine the
thought process, actions, verbal cues, and how we are responding
to conflict when we choose a particular style. In the following profiles, consider several differences you have been involved in recently. See what you can learn about your conflict behavior by
checking off different behaviors you have used. Think about what
worked best when it comes to preserving and improving positive
working relationships.

AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
Pure aggression aims at preserving our rights while attempting to
take away the rights of others.
Expressed Attitudes

I have rights, but you dont.

My feelings are more important than yours are.

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I am never wrong.

People should do what I tell them to do.

Dont argue with me.

Verbal Cues

You must . . .

Because I said so . . .

You dummy . . .

Im warning you . . .

We choose aggression when we know we can dominate a person or situation. Sometimes we think of it as a shortcut and make
excuses that justify the behavior.
When we use aggression this way, it is often because we feel
that we must win at all costs. Sometimes the issue may fade in
importance as the conflict unfolds, and the need to win becomes
the driving force. We may use intimidation, misuse a position of
authority, threaten, or personally attack the individual, rather than
attempt to find the best outcome for the situation. This extreme
win/lose approach may save time, but the cost can be very high.

NONASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR
Sometimes we cave in to keep the peace or to get a situation over
with. This approach also carries a price to be paid later.

Expressed Attitudes

I must be nice.

Dont make waves. If you do, you wont be liked.

Others have rights, but I dont.

Im not worthy.

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Verbal Cues

I cant . . .

I wish . . .

If only I could . . .

Ill never be able to . . .

I probably should . . .

We use nonassertive behavior when we get cold feet at having

to face a difficult matter, dont like saying no for fear of causing
hard feelings, or are having a very difficult time making decisions.
People using this style may agree externally, while at the same time
disagreeing internally. Often, they expect you to guess what they
want or what is wrong.

Unintentional Gunnysacking
When we approach conflict nonassertively, we are unintentionally
gunnysacking. That is, we gather grievances over a period of time
without responding to them when they occur. We figure that Its
no big deal or Thats okay, I can go along. . . . But the gunnysack
fills, and we become less able to swallow our feelings. At some
point, we explode, aggressively dumping the collected grievances
on whoever happens to be around. This action is often surprising
to us and to whoever is on the receiving end for two reasons:
1. What caused us to explode often doesnt seem to be a big deal.
2. Our switch to aggression is completely beyond what we and
others would expect from us.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
Passive aggression is a combination of aggression and nonassertive
behavior. At first, this style is nonconfrontational, signaling nonassertiveness. Some of us use passive aggression more than others,
but we are all guilty when we pretend to let a conflict slide but
intend to fix it later.

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Expressed Attitudes

Ill pay you now, but youll pay me later.

Subtle sabotage pays off.

Better to be cunning than confrontational.

Never show your cards.

Dont let them know what youre planning.

Verbal Cues

Well, if thats the way you want it . . .

I told you so . . .

How could you even think that is what I meant?

Everyone knows that I was kidding.

Who . . . me?

We are often surprised if someone points out that we are being

passive-aggressive. Often, we started out being accommodating or
avoiding the conflict altogether, then switched to aggression when
we became fed up or decided that maybe we could win.
The best way to address passive aggression is to point it out.
Try this format: You had indicated before that this didnt matter
to you, and now it does. Is something different from before, or
should we start from where we began? If you are caught or catch
yourself being passive-aggressive, ask yourself the same question.
It could be that something you thought you could sacrifice is more
important to you than you thought.

Intentional Gunnysacking
If someone uses passive aggression as a consciously chosen strategy, then he or she gunnysacks, but with a difference. This person may start out by being accommodating (passive) but will also
collect any and all items that could be used against someone at a
later date. It is at this point that the aggressive side surfaces, resulting in a gotcha! outcome.

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When we use passive aggression as a strategy, we may score

some short-term wins, but we pay the long-term price of lost trust.

ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR
Being assertive is a way to engage in conflict by standing your
ground while being respectful of others. We get better at this approach with practice and by reminding ourselves of how we want
to behave before and during conflict situations.
Expressed Attitudes

I have rights and so do others.

People deserve my respect.

I may not always win, but I can always manage the situation.

It is best to deal with issues as they occur.

Mistakes can be corrected.

Verbal Cues

What are our options?

Youre right, its my mistake.

What can we do to . . . ?

I choose to . . .

What are the real issues here?

HANDLING CONFLICT
As we build our assertive behavior skills, we become better at effectively engaging conflict. We choose the approach to conflict that
will benefit everyone, without causing harm to ourselves. The ideal
is to attempt collaboration (win/win) with the other person. Of
course, this is the most difficult result to achieve, so the assertive
person is prepared for compromise when necessary. In addition,
choosing this behavioral style indicates that we are also capable of

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accommodation when the issues relative importance to the other

party can be determined.
Take a look at the checkmarks you made about your conflict
choices as you read this chapter. How did you do? Is there a style
that you use more than others? Are there situations or people that
lead you to choosing a particular style? Are you happy with your
choices?

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CHAPTER VII

STAYING COOL IN A CONFLICT

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any people attend workshops on conflict because they want

to know how to stay calm when someone else is being highly
emotional. They often say, I know what Im supposed to say, but
I have trouble staying calm enough to do the right thing. By the
time I thought of what I should have said, I was at home, had dinner, and was lying in bed looking at the ceiling. (This chapter is
adapted from workshops run by Bill Withers and Keami Lewis as
reported in their book The Conflict and Communication Activity
Book.)
Some people seem to be better than others when it comes to
knowing what to say and do under pressure. These individuals
come across as unflappable, in control, maybe even wise. How do
they do it?
There are many things that may help people stay unruffled in a
conflict. One is that they have a lot of practice being in conflict
situations. Another is that they feel reasonably sure that things will
work out the way they want them to. A third way is that they are
not upset because they have decided not to be upset.
Practice counts for a lot. Exercises like the ones in this book can
help even very inexperienced people to invent new ways to respond to conflict. The more practice we havein practice scenarios and in real lifethe more nimble we are when a conflict seems
to be about to boil over.

HOW TO STAY CENTERED

People can sometimes stay calm during a conflict when it is pretty
clear that things will turn out okay. They may be confident in the
outcome because of a powerful position they have. Sometimes a
person feels that he or she is holding a trump card. This person
may recognize this particular type of conflict or pattern and know
that it is survivable and that all will be well in the end. What we will
look at in this chapter is how to stay centeredthat is, calm and
relaxed while being able to make extremely rapid choices about
what you will say and do.
Practice and experience are important and helpful when dealing with conflict, but they can come together to help you the most

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41

whenin the thick of thingsyou can calmly make effective

choices about what to do.
Beyond the help that practiced strategies, experience, attitude,
or even being powerful can give us is the ability to exercise what
might be called controlled relaxation. Martial artists, yoga practitioners, and others refer to this ability to deliberately relax mind
and body together at a moments notice and without thought as
centering.
You may be surprised at what you already know about centering.
If you paint or draw, play a musical instrument, ski, golf, or play
any sport, you probably already have been centering yourself from
time to time. If you can tell a joke well without effort, or dance, or
just automatically seem to know what piece to move on a checkerboard, you have probably been centering.

HOW CENTERING HELPS YOU IN A CONFLICT SITUATION

Centering is better than strategizing when you are in a conflict situation. With a strategy, you plan to do or say something based on
your expectation of the other persons actionIll say A, and
hell say, B. Then Ill say Z, and thatll get him! Of course, your
carefully planned strategy goes right out the window if the other
guy says Z (or something unexpected, like LMNOP) before you
do.
Centering is a technique that leads to the abandonment of strategy in favor of allowing the appropriate choice of action or relationship with the other person to emerge.
Sound strange?
You have probably heard or read something about fight or
flight. The idea is that our brains tend to react in one of two ways
when we are under stress. For example, if we are in a conflict, we
can either confront the other person (fight) or walk away and hope
nothing else happens (flight). This may have worked pretty well for
our ancestors. If you were confronted with a saber-toothed cat, for
example, you would quickly either run away or hit it with something, depending on your preferences. Nowadays, when we are

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faced with a conflict, we can often sense our body getting ready for
fight or flightour muscles tense, our heart pumps a little harder,
and we get an adrenaline rush.
This physical fight-or-flight reaction still happens when we are
centered. The difference is that when we are centered, we are able
to send this energy toward a third choice. Think about it: one
choice is to fight, the other choice is to flee. Both can make things
worse than they already are. When you are centered, you can calmly
apply what you are learning about engaging conflict and make splitsecond adjustments depending on what will work best for you and
the other person.
Like every other technique in this book, centering is a simple
approach that can be very effective the more you practice it. The
following exercise may be your first step toward staying cool in a
conflict.

A SIMPLE CENTERING EXERCISE

Here is how you do it:
You can find your physical center about three inches below your
navel. Stand comfortably with your feet about shoulder width apart,
take in a deep breath, pulling your shoulders up toward your ears as
you do so. Let the breath out and let your shoulders fall as you
breathe out. Imagine any muscular tension running like water from
every part of your body, down your legs, and out through the soles of
your feet into the floor.

There are many tapes with calming music and centering instructions that can help you with this exercise. If it feels a little
strange, thats okayyou are learning a new skill. The more
often you can intentionally relax, the better you will become at
it.

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Smile a little smile as you relax. Breathe normally and enjoy the image
of stress flowing into the floor through the soles of your feet. For example, if you have some tension in your neck, keep smiling and imagine the tension starting as a slow trickle that runs through your body
and out through the soles of your feet and into the floor. Picture it in
your mind.
When you feel ready, take the fingertips of one hand and lightly touch
your center pointtwo or three inches below your navel. Breathe in
and out: let your belly go in and out like a lung as you breathe. This
will help you to feel where your center point is and remember it.
Relax and smile as you continue to breathe. Its funny, but when you
pay attention to yourself breathing, it can sometimes be difficult to not
make yourself breathe. As you focus on your center, let yourself
breathe easilyas naturally as if you were not paying attention to it.
Stay focused on your center pointyou can keep your hand there if
you wantand notice each one of your natural breaths. Each time
you breathe in, say quietly to yourself, Breathe in. As you breathe
out, say, Breathe out.
You wont be perfect as you do this, but enjoy it, continue to breathe,
smile, and say, Breathe in . . . breathe out, with each breath.
Once you get the hang of it, you are ready to begin learning to take
this practice into your everyday life. In a conflict situation? Find your
center point, breathe, slow down your thinking, and make good
choices.
Forgive yourself if you dont do this perfectly, keep practicing, and
have fun.

For a more detailed relaxation and centering exercise, see The

Conflict Management Skills Workshop by Bill Withers (AMACOM,
2002).

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CHAPTER VIII

WAYS TO ENGAGE CONFLICT ON THE

JOBUP, DOWN, AND SIDEWAYS

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Ways to Engage Conflict on the JobUp, Down, and Sideways

45

lthough conflict occurs at all levels of organizations, we personally face differences at three levels: bosses, peers, and, if
we are in a leadership position, constituents. As mentioned earlier,
the real issue is not so much that conflict occurs, but rather how
you handle conflict when it does.
Whatever the level, there are four questions you need to consider in determining your approach to the person with whom you
have a conflict.
1. Which of the four behavioral styles from Chapter 6 (aggressive,
nonassertive, passive-aggressive, or assertive) does this person
seem to be using?
2. What is the persons usual method of handling conflict?
3. What might he or she value in this situation?
4. What should your approach be?
In addition to considering how to manage conflict with someone, you should also examine certain measures you can take to
work more effectively with others, whatever their level may be.

GOING UP
When it comes to bosses, some are great, most are okay, and a few
are really miserable. But whether great, okay, or miserable, the boss
is still the boss, and it is to your advantage to accept that fact and
work toward resolving conflict when it occurs or toward preventing
it from happening in the first place.
When you are in conflict with those above you in the organization, you may feel that you are at the highest level of risk. You may
also feel somewhat limited in the approaches that can be taken. For
example, it wouldnt normally be considered wise to attempt the
competing approach with a boss who is being aggressive. Sometimes, even attempting compromise may be out of the question.
Although these approaches may seem risky when approaching a
superior, success can depend on how you approach the individual.
Consider the following case study:

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CASE STUDY
Ed manages a department of thirteen professional staff members. You have worked for him for two years. He has a reputation
for being loud, rude, and hard-nosed with most of his employeesyou included. In past conflicts, youve tried to argue your
point, but to no avail. Because of these disagreements, your relationship seems to have deteriorated.

1. Which of the four behavioral styles from Chapter 6 (aggressive,

nonassertive, passive-aggressive, or assertive) does Ed seem to be
using?

2. What is his probable method of handling conflict?

3. What values may contribute to his behavior?

4. What would a low-risk approach be if you were to have a difference with Ed? What would be the probable results?

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5. What would a high-risk approach be? What would be the probable results?

The next study is the real thing. Choose someone above you in
your organization with whom you have experienced conflict.
Name:
1. What is his or her usual method of handling conflict?

2. What does he or she value when involved in conflict?

3. What would a low-risk approach be? What would be the probable results?

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Resolving Conflicts on the Job

4. What would a high-risk approach be? What would be the probable results?

5. Do your answers differ from the way youve handled conflict

situations with this person in the past? If so, what will your approach be now?

WORKING MORE EFFECTIVELY WITH BOSSES

As mentioned earlier, you can often prevent conflicts from happening in the first place. It may mean adjustments on your part, but
often the cost is small when compared with the potential conflict.
We tend to get along better with people who have values similar to
our own. A major help in working more effectively with bosses is
to adapt your behavior to theirs where you can. This doesnt mean
changing your lifestyle, but it does imply a willingness to make certain changes and perhaps a few concessionsin other words, a
willingness to use a combination of compromise and accommodation to help build the relationship.
Consider the following questions for working more effectively
with your boss:
1. When does your boss arrive? Leave?

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2. Does your boss take long or short lunches, frequent or few

breaks?

3. How neat is your bosss workplace?

4. What time of the day is your boss most receptive to you?

5. Does your boss prefer written or verbal reports? Concise or detailed?

6. Does your boss welcome new ideas or resist them?

7. Which of the four behavioral styles from Chapter 6 (aggressive,

nonassertive, passive-aggressive, or assertive) does your boss seem
to be using?

8. How could you change your style accordingly?

When answering these questions, you may discover value differences between yourself and your boss. Ask yourself: Where can I
compromise? Where can I accommodate? What is it worth to
me? Sometimes, you might think it would be much easier just to
be left alone so you can do your job. However, your relationship
with your boss (whether you agree with the person or not) always
plays a critical role in your success or failure in the workplace.

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GOING SIDEWAYS
You may feel more comfortable exploring potential approaches and
possible results for managing differences with peers. It might be
appropriate to attempt competing if the situation is warranted, or
perhaps you can insist on resolving the issue through compromise.
Even though you may have more flexibility when dealing with
peers, it is still important to be able to work well with them. This
includes not only colleagues in your department but also other
departments as well. How you perform your job is important, but
how you deal with others is just as important. Consider the following case study:

CASE STUDY
Grace is a newly hired colleague in your department. The two of
you were assigned to an interdepartmental team about six
weeks ago. Initially, things seemed to be going well. However,
two members of the team recently approached you about
Graces concern over some negative comments she said you
made regarding the teams direction. The truth is that you like
the direction the team is moving in, have never made any negative comments, and enjoy being a member of this group effort.
You later approached Grace about this situation, and she appeared offended that you could even think such a thing and denied saying anything to anybody. Then yesterday, your boss
called you in to let you know he had heard from a confidential
source that the team was concerned about your behavior.

1. Which of the four behavioral styles from Chapter 6 (aggressive,

nonassertive, passive-aggressive, or assertive) does Grace seem to
be using?

2. What is her probable method of handling conflict?

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3. What might she value in this situation?

4. What would be a low-risk approach? What would be the probable results?

5. What would be a high-risk approach? What would be the probable results?

Choose a colleague with whom you have experienced conflict.

Name:
1. Which of the four behavioral styles from Chapter 6 (aggressive,
nonassertive, passive-aggressive, or assertive) does this person
seem to be using?

2. What is his or her usual method of handling conflict?

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3. What might he or she value when involved in conflict?

4. What would be a low-risk approach? What would be the probable results?

5. What would be a high-risk approach? What would be the probable results?

6. Do your answers differ from the way youve engaged in conflict

with this person in the past? If so, what will your approach be now?

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WORKING MORE EFFECTIVELY WITH PEERS

The ability to work well with your peers is an important characteristic in the workplace. Often, it is a major factor in determining who
is chosen for special projects or for promotion.
Consider the following questions when attempting to work
more effectively with peers:

1. Do you both respect and understand each others roles? Briefly

describe them.

2. Do you understand each others tasks? Briefly list them.

3. Are there agreed-to time frames you are both meeting?

4. Is each of you willing to confront and deal with differences?

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5. How well do both of you handle compromise?

If you are currently in conflict with a peer, using the answers to

these questions as a starting point for engaging the differences will
help. Of course, somebodys got to go firstand youre the one
reading this book.

GOING DOWN
As a leader in your company, you gain the power to hold others
accountable, but you also become much more accountable for your
actions. Fairness becomes a critical factor.
You are also obligated to help your people to develop to the
highest possible level and to appraise their performance and behavior as objectively as you can.
When you are having differences with an employee, you need
to be aware of two possibly conflicting issues: On the one hand,
you have complete flexibility in choosing any of the five methods
of conflict resolution; on the other hand, you need to be careful
not to misuse certain methods. Even though you have the power
to force the win/lose outcome, you need to give fair consideration
when choosing your approach to the situation. Consider the following case study.

CASE STUDY
You hired Lucille approximately a year ago. She is a very pleasant person, but she has a difficult time accepting any kind of

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feedback. Her work performance fluctuates between needing

improvement and being acceptable. Each time youve tried to
give her constructive criticism, shes become emotional and
then withdrawn; so youve recently avoided discussing her job
performance.
You have to give her annual performance review in two
weeks.

1. Which of the four behavioral styles from Chapter 6 (aggressive,

nonassertive, passive-aggressive, or assertive) does Lucille seem to
be using?

2. What is her probable method of handling conflict?

3. What might she value in this situation?

4. What would be a low-risk approach to her performance review?

What would be the probable results?

5. What would be a high-risk approach? What would be the probable results?

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Choose an employee with whom you are currently experiencing conflict.

Name:
1. Which of the four behavioral styles from Chapter 6 (aggressive,
nonassertive, passive-aggressive, or assertive) does this person
seem to be using?

2. What is his or her usual method of handling conflict?

3. What does he or she value when involved in conflict?

4. What would a low-risk approach be? What would be the probable results?

5. What would a high-risk approach be? What would be the probable results?

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6. Do your answers differ from the way youve handled conflict

situations with this person in the past? If so, what will your approach be now?

WORKING MORE EFFECTIVELY WITH EMPLOYEES

As with bosses and peers, there are measures you can take to prevent many conflicts from occurring in the first place. The key factor
when you manage others is that you are the controlling influence.
You set the atmosphere for those you manage.
Consider using the following questions when working with employees:
1. When do you make yourself available to your employees?

2. Do you get back to them when you say you will?

3. What active listening skills do you use? Which skills do you still
need to develop?

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4. How well do you apply the feedback skills from Chapter 5?

5. What methods do you use to resolve differences with employees?

6. What do you do to help them develop additional skills?

7. What do you do to encourage them to take on more challenging

tasks?

8. What do you know about their personal lives?

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The more questions you are able to answer positively, the

greater the possibility you are establishing a positive atmosphere.
You can provide not only an opportunity for growth and success
for them and yourself but also help to prevent the possibility of
unnecessary grievances or other legal problems for your company.
In short, if the atmosphere is positive, conflicts will be minimized. And if the atmosphere is negative, you should expect not
only the worst but also accept the responsibility for having created
it through poor management.

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CHAPTER IX

WAYS TO WORK WITH TEAMS

IN CONFLICT

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he great contradiction about teams is that we want the people

on them to get along, but we have teams so that we can get a
variety of ways of looking at things. The key to team building is not
to get everyone to agree all of the time but to figure out how people
can disagree, use their differing points of view to create new approaches and ideas, and then implement those new approaches
and ideas. As management thinker Tom Peters said, If two people
in business always agree, then one of them is unnecessary.
An easy mistake to make is to think of the team as a single mind
or personality. Even if a team is performing very well, conflicts will
necessarily arise. Creatively and positively engaging in conflict becomes the true work of the team.
Questions About Your Team
1. What is your current role: member? leader?
2. What tasks are you personally responsible for?
3. Are you personally involved in a conflict with another team
member? Considering the information in this book, what could
you do to manage the situation?
4. What other conflicts exist within the team?
5. What needs to be done?
6. Are there any members who dont want to play? Describe.
7. What do you think the team should do?
8. How does the team leader interact with the team?

SOME BASICS OF TEAM BUILDING AND CONFLICT

Too often, differences in team meetings are simply smoothed over
by the leader or other members. Of course, in these cases the conflict doesnt dissipate, it just simmers until a later date. This form
of conflict avoidance can lead to the gradual buildup of resentment
among team members. Because engaging in conflict is a necessary
part of high-performance team building, you need to consider the
relationship between team building and conflict.

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DECISION MAKING: VOTING VS. CONSENSUS

When teams are allowed to make their own decisions, there are
three possibilities: voting, consensus, or direction.
1. Voting. Voting is an effective way to move decisions forward,
but it is a win/lose solution and can promote division within
the team.
2. Consensus. Reaching consensus is more difficult than voting,
but it is the preferred approach to team-based decisions. It
does, of course, take longer, and differences will occur in the
process. However, in the end, everyone supports the final decision.
3. Direction. It is often necessary and appropriate for the leader
of the team to make a decision and direct the team about the
issue at hand.
No matter which of these approaches is used, the key is to be
clear ahead of time about what options are available and allowed
and what approach will be used.

MEMBERSHIP
Being a member of a team is not easy for many of us, especially if
were accustomed to making decisions on our own. When you become a team player, you enter into an interdependent relationship.
You may even feel that you are giving up your individuality, but in
a very real sense you are making an individual contribution to a
group effort that usually produces a greater end result than you
could have achieved on your own.
Consider the following elements of team membership dynamics:
Participation. As a team member, you are expected to participate in a balanced manner, that is, to not be dominant or withdrawn, while at the same time helping others to maintain their own
balance.

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Selling. You probably feel your ideas are great. Sometimes

they are. Your responsibility as a team member is to prepare ahead
of time and to present your ideas in a way that shows the team the
value acting on these ideas will add. You also need to be able to
know when to compromise: letting go of ownership of an idea,
accepting elements of other ideas to add to your own, or allowing
your idea to be substituted for by another, better one.

Relinquishing. This is the big one. What if you sell to the

best of your ability, but the team wont buy? Some team members
temporarily withdraw. Some dont want to play anymore . . . ever.
This is the point where the rest of the team discovers what kind of
team player you really are. Your responsibility at this point is to
relinquish your position. Not only do you need to give it up, you
must also be willing to support and even defend the teams direction.

Evaluating. Effective teams are constantly reviewing their

performance: What worked? What could have been done better?
How could it be done differently next time? Team members need
to become good at giving and receiving feedback (see Chapter 5)
in order to learn from mistakes and successes and to apply that
learning to the teams future work together.

Relationship. As a team member, you are responsible for

your relationship with other team members. If there is a personal
conflict, it is up to you to help resolve it. Personal conflicts in team
efforts fracture and sometimes prevent task accomplishment.
Task Accomplishment. When acting as a team member, it is
critical that you are clear on your task responsibility. This includes
what you have to do, when it has to be completed, and any steps
in between. In an interdependent relationship, one members failure can trigger the delay of other peoples efforts and affect the
outcome of the entire team. Being a good team player isnt easy.
Bringing excess baggage, using hidden agendas, or protecting authorship of personal ideas all serve to prevent the overall direction.
You can better serve yourself and the other members if you focus
on what is best for the team rather than for yourself.

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LEADERSHIP
Another area where companies have failed to provide good orientation regarding team building is in leadership. Sometimes groups
are simply told, Go be a team, make consensus decisions, and, by
the way, everybodys equal. Well, everyone may be equal, but
newly formed teams need leaders, and even sophisticated teams
need facilitators to keep things moving.
Leaders can be appointed or elected, but in the beginning,
someone must be in control. Author and consultant Peter Block has
said that we can all be partners and still have a partner in charge.
Leadership has certain responsibilities that are different from those
of membership. Consider the following list of leadership requirements:

Engaging Conflict. If team members fail to resolve issues

themselves, it is the leaders responsibility to surface the issues so
that they can be constructively engaged. Sometimes, this is best
done privately, but sometimes it may be better to involve the team
as a whole.
Working with Uncooperative Members. If there is an individual on the team who is aggressive in team interaction, it may be
up to the team leader to talk to the individual regarding his or
her behavior. In severe situations, this may even include asking the
member to leave the team. Anyone can be replaced, so it is unfair
for the team to be held back because of one individual.
Drawing Out Unassertive Members. Some team members
may have difficulty speaking out in a group. In this case, the team
leader has two issues to deal with: getting the members ideas outside the team setting and encouraging the individual to be more
assertive in his or her interaction within the team setting.

Conducting Productive Meetings. There are two types of

meetings: productive and ridiculous. If you are having a meeting to
talk about something everyone already knows about or agrees to,
you are wasting your time. The following hints can help to produce
more productive meetings:

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65

Have an agenda in advance, with time limits for each

item.

Start on time.

Stay on track.

End with everyone knowing his or her specific assignments and timetables.

End on time.

Send minutes to team members within two days following each meeting.

If nothing new is going to happen at or because of the

meeting, dont have it.

Remaining Objective. Team leaders must be objective

enough to manage both tasks and relationships. They need to be
involved as a functioning member while also being able to extricate
themselves so that they can observe both group dynamics and task
progress.
Leading a team requires an individual who wants the position,
is capable of directing task accomplishment, and has an understanding of the dynamics involved in a group effort.
Team building requires the efforts of everyone involved. Companies need to be willing to provide the necessary training to get
their teams off to a good start. Without proper training, an organization will flounder in conflict, unresolved differences, and failed
tasks. However, if the proper orientation is provided, a lot can be
accomplished.
Think of a team you are on and ask yourself the following questions:
1. Is the purpose of the team clear?

2. How well do people understand what is expected of them?

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3. Would better answers to the previous two questions help to

eliminate unnecessary conflict?

4. How can you use what you are learning about conflict to make
your team more effective?

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10
CHAPTER X

CAN ALL THIS CONFLICT

BE GOOD FOR ME?

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helpful thing to know about yourself in a conflict situation is

how you feel about conflict in general. You have had a chance
in this book to answer some questions about conflicts you are engaged in, how you may approach conflict, how to give and get feedback, how you listen, and how you can engage in conflict with your
coworkers.
Now you can answer the important question about whether
conflict can have positive value. Is it something to avoid at all costs,
is it something to seek out, or is conflict something somewhere in
between?
Think of a specific conflict situation at work that you have been
a part of, will be a part of, should be a part of, or would like to be
a part of. Then answer these final questions, which we have borrowed from The Conflict Management Skills Workshop by Bill
Withers.
WIIFM? (Whats in it for me?)

What might I gain by being a part of this conflict?

What might I learn by being a part of this conflict?

What might change about me as a result of being a part of this

conflict?

WIIFOP? (Whats in it for the other person?)

What might the other person(s) gain because I am a part of this

conflict?

WIIFU? (Whats in it for us?)

What might everyone involved gain because I am a part of this

conflict?

What might my team or department and I gain because I am a

part of this conflict?

What might the company gain because I am a part of this conflict?

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Can All This Conflict Be Good for Me?

69

Can groups of people (teams, departments, or companies)

learn from conflict? If they can, what can they learn?

So, if there are benefits to conflict, should you wait for conflict
to come to the surface all by itself, or should you look for hidden
conflict and bring it up on purpose? What would you do if you
decide to constructively leave conflict alone? What would you do if
you decide to constructively bring conflict to the surface?

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11
CHAPTER XI

WHY DO I CARE?

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71

was sitting in the cafeteria listening to a colleague go on about

her horrible day. Her morning had begun with a phone argument between her and her ex-husband that had somehow spilled
over into an argument with her current husband. Then, she went
outside to find her car blocked by the neighbors trash cans. Later,
someone cut her off in traffic. She received a work assignment that
she considered a waste of time, and the book she was reading for a
class she was taking was stupid.
I looked at her over my juice box and thought, You gotta get
a shorter list of things that make you mad.
Something to consider when thinking about conflict at work is
whether what you are fighting about is worth the fight. Pediatrician
Marvin Gersh, in his very funny and wise book How to Raise Children at Home in Your Spare Time, tells of two parents who were
concerned about whether it was better for their child to sleep with
the bedroom door open or closed. They took this problem to the
doctor who reminded them that the open or closed door decision
was not exactly a moral question.
A good question to think about before engaging in conflict with
another person is: Why does this matter so much to me? Asking
this question isnt about being lazy or cowardly; it is a question that
can help us to decide whether we are fighting out of habit or tradition, or whether this is a difference worth engaging.
Borrow a page from process improvement and root cause analysis to ask yourself why five times.
This really makes me mad!
Why?
Because I should get the new style of computer monitor that
the other managers are getting.
Why do I care?
Because Im the only manager who doesnt have one and it
makes me look bad.
Why does it make me look bad? Or, why do I care about this?
. . . and so on. As the manager from our example drills down
into the cause of her concern by asking why five times, she may

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discover that it is important to assert herself to get the new computer monitor or may just as well discover that it is not important.
If the difference in question is worth engaging, having asked
ourselves why five times will help us to clarify our position and its
importance. We will also have learned about what matters to us as
we edit the list of things that we are willing to stand up for.
The manager in our example says that not having the new type
of computer monitor makes her look bad. Nobody wants to look
bad, so it may seem reasonable to be angry about not having the
new monitor. As we continue to ask why, we may get to a deeper
issue:
Why does it make me look bad? Or, why do I care about this?
The new monitor was distributed to all managers, and people
are talking about them as if they are a perk. If I dont have one,
then I dont have the perk that all of the other managers are getting,
and it sends me and others the message that I am not as important.
See how quickly asking why gets us into an analysis of what
matters? In this case, the manager is finding out or acknowledging
that she considers the new monitor to be a sort of badge of her
rank and an indication of her relative worth. The next why question
could go in several directions, and our manager may need to try a
few in order to get to the core of what is bothering her.
Why do I care what others think? Or, why do I think that the
monitors are a symbol of being a manager? Or, why do I think
that I would be left off the new monitor list?
By the time we get to the fifth why, the examination of the issue
is getting close to what may really be bothering us. Our manager in
the example will now have to challenge herself to honestly investigate a little of what makes her tick. She may decide that this is
something worth pursuing or something to be left alone. She may
also find that there is something more important to work on
either by herself or with others in her company.
Five is not a magic number, but it is a good guideline. Five whys
will usually get us to a point where we begin to really need to think
about what matters. Depending on the issue and how we ask and
answer the question, you may get there in four, or it may take more

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73

than five. When I am working with someone and asking why five
times, the person usually starts to get annoyed by about the fourth
why. You may find that that is the case when you do the exercise by
yourself. It often means that your analysis is getting somewhere.
Try this exercise: Think of a conflict you are engaged in. Begin
by asking yourself, What do I want? Then ask yourself, Why?
Be strict with yourself, and challenge your answer by asking why
again, then ask why about that answer, and so on. Write your five
answers out to be sure that you are taking the time to truly think
this through.
Each time you answer the question why, refine your answer
and dig a little deeper into what matters to you. If my friend in the
cafeteria had worked through her list by asking why five times,
three things may have happened for her. First, she would have had
to calm down enough to give her issues some thought. She would
also have begun to refine what really matters to her and what does
not. Finally, if she identified differences that she chose to engage,
she would have thought through the beginnings of an intelligent
message she could send to the other person about what she wants
and why it is important.
Describe a difference that is on your mind:

1. What would you like to happen if this conflict were positively

engaged with the other person?

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2. Why does that matter to you?

3. Now continue to ask why four more times, and write your answers here.

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APPENDIX

BE PREPARED

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Appendix

ne of the great gifts of experiencing conflict is that it requires

us to think about what matters. One helpful way of applying
the reflection questions in this book to a specific situation is to
organize them so that they paint a picture of what is going on, what
you are thinking and feeling, and what you want to doincluding
who, what, where, why, and how.
Use the templates on the following pages to organize your
thoughts.

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Be Prepared

I.

77

Who?
1. With whom are you currently experiencing differences at
work?
Boss(es)/upper management?

Peers?

Employees?

2. What core value might the other person have that is influencing his or her choices?

3. Which of the four behavioral styles from Chapter 6 does

this person seem to be using?
Aggressive
Nonassertive
Passive-Aggressive
Assertive
4. What is his or her usual method of handling conflict?

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Appendix

5. What does he or she value when involved in conflict?

6. Who else is involved in or affected by the conflict?

7. Does having these people involved escalate the issue?

8. What values do these people possess that may be in conflict?

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Be Prepared

II.

79

What?
1. Write a brief description or story about what is going on.

Is this description objective? If not, try to describe it objectively.

2. What do you want to be different because you have engaged in this conflict?

3. What is the ideal outcome?

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Appendix

III. When?
1. Can you plan and agree to a time to talk to the other person
that will suit you both?

2. Will a certain time make your meeting more likely to be

effective than some other time?

3. Will all the interested/affected parties be able to make this

time?

4. Is it better to deal with the conflict when it is happening,

immediately afterward, or after a period of time has passed
and things have cooled down?

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81

IV. Where?
1. Have you chosen a neutral setting or a setting that will lend
itself to putting the other person at ease?

2. Can you arrange to have other neutral parties there to temper the environment?

3. Will having an authority figure there calm the other person

or escalate the issue?

4. How can you minimize the distractions in the environment?

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82

V.

Appendix

Why?
1. WIIFM? (Whats in it for me?)
a. What might I gain by being a part of this conflict?

b. What might I learn by being a part of this conflict?

c. What might change about me as a result of being a part

of this conflict?

2. WIIFOP? (Whats in it for the other person?)

a. What might the other person(s) gain because I am a part
of this conflict?

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83

b. What might they learn?

c. What might change about our relationship?

3. WIIFU? (Whats in it for us?)

a. What might everyone involved gain because I am a part
of this conflict?

b. What might my team or department and I gain because

I am a part of this conflict?

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Appendix

c. What might the company gain because I am a part of this

conflict?

4. What would you like to happen if this conflict were positively engaged with the other person?

5. Why does that matter to you?

6. Now continue to ask why four more times and write your
answers on this page.

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85

VI. How?
1. Will it be most effective to approach this conflict as a contest to win, as a problem to solve, or as a learning opportunity?

2. How will you prepare yourself to listen well?

3. How will you remind yourself to stay cool and listen well
while you are in your meeting?

4. Do your answers differ from the way youve handled conflicting situations with this person in the past? If so, what
will your approach be now?

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Appendix

VII. Communication
Now that you have planned how youd like to handle the conflict, its important to come up with some ways to express your
point of view.
Use the space below to plan how you will communicate the
conflict effectively.
1. At times I feel

2. When you

, I feel

3. This bothers me because I value

4. How am I helping to cause this problem?

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87

5. How can I help so this does not happen in the future?

6. How would you like to see this be resolved?

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FURTHER READING

here are many books to choose from that can help you to keep
thinking about conflict on the job. This short list can be a
springboard to other reading orbetter yetto your trying some
new ideas and actions on for size.
The best first book for learning about negotiation is still Getting
to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher,
William Ury, and Bruce Patton. It is direct and to the point, and it
is a very good how-to manual for what we call assertive behavior
in this book.
Jay Rothmans book Resolving Identity-Based Conflict in Nations, Organizations, and Communities digs into the role that
identity plays in seemingly impossible conflicts and makes practical
suggestions for engagement.
This book is designed to help you to think about conflict in new
ways and to help you be ready as you engage in a difference with
another person. Many of the skills we need when we come to the
table are parallel to those that are used by mediators. The following
resources can help you to learn about mediation and give you new
ways to approach others:

Jennifer E. Beers The Mediators Handbook is used as a training text by mediators around the world. It is a handy book to
reach for when preparing for any difficult conversation.

The Promise of Mediation: Responding to Conflict Through Empowerment and Recognition by Robert A. Baruch Bush and Joseph P. Folger offers ideas to help us to shift our thinking about
conflict from a contest to be won to an opportunity for
learning.

The website www.mediation.com has monthly articles by and

for people interested in mediation.

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Further Reading

How we think about work and our coworkers plays a big part
in how we think about and engage in workplace conflict. Still fresh
after nearly fifty years is Douglas McGregors landmark book The
Human Side of Enterprise. This book is a good reminder for us to
check to see if the actions we chooseespecially as managersare
consistent with what our beliefs are. As you read this book, you will
recognize a lot of the thinking that has become a part of the ideal
of how best to work with others. As Warren Bennis wrote in his
foreword to the twenty-fifth-anniversary printing, Much of the
work that goes on now could not have happened if this book hadnt
been written.
When I am asked what one book people should read about
work, the answer has for many years been The Fifth Discipline: The
Art and Practice of the Learning Organization by Peter Senge. The
book is packed with sometimes daunting ideas. If you arent quite
ready to jump into the whole work, start with the fourth chapter,
The Laws of the Fifth Discipline, then flip to the index, look up
dialogue, and read those entries. If what you find there makes
sense to you, think about what else you need to learn to be able to
apply it to your work.
Finally, think of yourself when you are at your best. What do
you do that works for you and the others with whom you come in
contact? Make a list and carry it around for a few days. Add to it.
Think about it. Live with it. Then take out another piece of paper,
set it beside your list, and write down what new things you can do
to be at your best at all times.
Have fun.

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INDEX

see also listening

competition, conflict as, 14
compromise (win/losewin/lose),
16
conflict
handling, 3738
issue significance, 7174
myths and truths about, 24
personal reaction to, 6869
positive view of, 2
reasons for, 912
templates for preparing for,
7687
view of, 14
consensus, as team decision process, 62
constructive conflict, 3
controlled relaxation, 41
cooling off period, 1516

accommodation (lose/win), 1415

active listening levels, 2025
basic acknowledgments, 2021
paraphrasing, 2122
questions, 21
reflective listening, 23
silence, 21
adrenaline, 42
aggressive behavior, 3334
anger, at feedback, 3031
assertive behavior, 37
authority, when giving feedback, 28
avoidance (lose/lose), 1516
myths about, 3
behavior
aggressive, 3334
assertive, 37
nonassertive, 3435
passive-aggressive, 3537
Block, Peter, 64
boss
conflict with, 4548
working effectively with, 4849

deadlines, 9
decision making in teams, 62
defensiveness, feedback and, 28
direction, as team decision process,
62
domino effect, 12

calmness in conflict, 4043

by staying centered, 4041
centering, 41
exercise, 4243
collaboration (win/win), 3, 1718,
37
communication
conflict and, 3

emotion
from feedback, 3031
reflective listening and, 23
empathy, 17
employees
conflict with, 5455
91

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Index

employees (continued)
working effectively with, 5759
environment for feedback, 28
evaluation, as team member, 63
excessive talker, listening and responding to, 2425

membership in teams, 6263

misunderstandings, paraphrasing
to clarify, 22
negative feelings about conflict, 2
nonassertive behavior, 3435
nonverbal response, 20

feedback, 2831
anger at, 3031
employee reaction to, 5455
preparing for session, 31
fight or flight, 4142
focusing, 24

objectives, conflict and, 2, 11

Gersh, Marvin, How to Raise Children at Home in Your Spare

Time, 71
goals, conflict and, 2, 11
gunnysacking
intentional, 3637
unintentional, 35
How to Raise Children at Home in
Your Spare Time (Gersh), 71
intentional gunnysacking, 3637
interruptions, 24
in paraphrasing process, 22

questions, as response, 21

leadership, in teams, 6466

listening, 2025
to excessive talker, 2425
in feedback process, 2930
lose/lose (avoidance), 1516
myths about, 3
losers, vs. winners, 3
lose/win (accommodation), 1415
meetings, leadership responsibility
for, 6465

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paraphrasing, as response, 2122

participation in team, 62
passive-aggressive behavior, 3537
peers
conflict with, 5052
working effectively with, 53
personal development, 4
Peters, Tom, 61
power, 14
practice, in conflict response, 40
priorities, 11
problems
solving, 14
vs. symptoms, 17

INDX

reflective listening, 23
relationship building, 34
in collaboration, 17
in teams, 63
relaxation, controlled, 41
relinquishing, as team member, 63
resources, limits to, 12
response to conflict, practice in, 40
restatement in paraphrasing, 22
root cause analysis, 71
root problem, 17

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Index

scheduling, 9
of feedback, 2829
selling, as team member, 63
silence, as response, 21
specificity in feedback, 29
speech, rate of, 20
staying centered, 4041
success, differing views of, 1011
surprises, feedback and, 29
symptoms, vs. problems, 17

membership, 6263
trust, in collaboration, 17
unassertive team members, 64
uncooperative team members, 64
understanding, 17
unintentional gunnysacking, 35
values, 11
voting, as team decision process, 62

talker, listening to excessive, 2425

task accomplishment, by teams, 63
teams, 6166
conflict avoidance in, 61
decision making, 62
leadership, 6466

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INDX

why, 7173
win/lose approach, 14
win/losewin/lose (compromise),
16
winners, vs. losers, 3
win/win (collaboration), 3, 1718,
37

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