We Have to Talk:

A Step-By-Step Checklist for

Difficult Conversations
By Judy Ringer

Think of a conversation youve been putting off. Got it? Great.

Then lets go.

There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial,

challenging, important (you get the idea) conversations (I list
several at the end of this article). Those times when you know
you should talk to someone, but you dont. Maybe youve tried
and it went badly. Or maybe you fear that talking will only
make the situation worse. Still, theres a feeling of being stuck,
and youd like to free up that stuck energy for more useful
purposes.

What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice

strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going
into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during
the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help your
energy stay focused and flowing, including possible
conversation openings.

Youll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power
than you think.

Working on Yourself: How To Prepare for the

Conversation

Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions:

1. What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do

you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome?
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 Watch for hidden purposes. You may think you have honorable goals, like educating
an employee or increasing connection with your teen, only to notice that your language
is excessively critical or condescending. You think you want to support, but you end
up punishing. Some purposes are more useful than others. Work on yourself so that
you enter the conversation with a supportive purpose.

2. What assumptions are you making about this persons intentions? You may feel
intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about
assuming that this was the speaker's intention. Impact does not necessarily equal
intent.

3. What buttons of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the
situation warrants? Take a look at your backstory, as they say in the movies. What
personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but youll go
into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.

4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If
you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe
that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to
adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.

5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware
of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and
fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent
as partner.

6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?

7. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?

4 Steps to a Successful Outcome

The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No
matter how well the conversation begins, youll need to stay in charge of yourself, your
purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you
become off centerand choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing
the calm, centered state, youll help your opponent/partner to be more centered, too.
Centering is not a step; centering is how you are as you take the steps. (For more on
Centering, see the Resource section at the end of the article.)
Step #1: Inquiry
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you dont know anything (you
really dont), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and his
point of view. Pretend youre entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out
how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the
values and priorities are there.

If your partner really was from another planet, youd be watching his body language
and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What does he really want?
What is he not saying?

Let your partner talk until he is finished. Dont interrupt except to acknowledge.
Whatever you hear, dont take it personally. Its not really about you. Try to learn as
much as you can in this phase of the conversation. Youll get your turn, but dont rush
things.

Step #2: Acknowledgment

Acknowledgment means showing that youve heard and understood. Try to understand
the other person so well you can make his argument for him. Then do it. Explain back
to him what you think he's really going for. Guess at his hopes and honor his position.
He will not change unless he sees that you see where he stands. Then he might. No
guarantees.

Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. Its
fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with
a friend, I said: I notice Im becoming defensive, and I think its because your voice
just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. Im not trying to
persuade you in either direction. The acknowledgment helped him (and me) to re-
center.

Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate.

My saying, this sounds really important to you, doesnt mean Im going to go along
with your decision.

Step #3: Advocacy

When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all his energy on the topic, its
your turn. What can you see from your perspective that he's missed? Help clarify your
position without minimizing his. For example: From what youve told me, I can see
 how you came to the conclusion that Im not a team player. And I think I am. When I
introduce problems with a project, Im thinking about its long-term success. I dont
mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to
address these issues so that my intention is clear.

Step #4: Problem-Solving

Now youre ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are
useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what he thinks might work. Whatever he says,
find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go
back to inquiry. Asking for the others point of view usually creates safety and
encourages him to engage. If youve been successful in centering, adjusting your
attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions
will be easy.

Practice, Practice, Practice

The art of conversation is like any artwith continued practice you acquire skill and ease.
Here are some additional hints:

Tips and Suggestions:

A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say.
How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly
influence what you say.

Acknowledge emotional energyyours and your partner'sand direct it toward a

useful purpose.

Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments.

Dont take verbal attacks personally. Help your opponent/partner come back to
center.

Dont assume your opponent/partner can see things from your point of view.

Practice the conversation with a friend before holding the real one.

Mentally practice the conversation. See various possibilities and visualize yourself
handling them with ease. Envision the outcome you are hoping for.
How Do I Begin?

In my workshops, a common question is How do I begin the conversation? Here are a few
conversation openers Ive picked up over the yearsand used many times!

I have something Id like to discuss with you that I think will help us work
together more effectively.

Id like to talk about ____________ with you, but first Id like to get your point of
view.

I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?

I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says,
Sure, let me get back to you, follow up with him.

I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. Id like to

hear your thinking on this.

Id like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas

about how to _____________________.

Id like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I

really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.

Write a possible opening for your conversation here:

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

Good luck! Let me know if this article has been useful by contacting me at
http://www.judyringer.com

Resources

The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum (www.aikiworks.com)

Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
(www.triadcgi.com)
Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
(www.crucialconversations.com)
FAQ about Conflict, by Judy Ringer http://www.JudyRinger.com
--------------------------

Judy Ringer, Power & Presence Training

About the Author: Judy Ringer is the author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in
Daily Conflict, stories and practices on the connection between aikido, conflict, and living a
purposeful life. As the founder of Power & Presence Training, Judy specializes in unique
workshops on conflict, communication, and creating a more positive work environment.
Judy is a black belt in aikido and chief instructor of Portsmouth Aikido, Portsmouth, NH,
USA. Subscribe to Judy's free award-winning e-newsletter, Ki Moments, at
http://www.JudyRinger.com

Note: Youre welcome to reprint all or parts of this article (including About the Author
or a link to my Website). If you have any questions, send me a note
at judy@judyringer.com.