COOL ONE LINERS !!

 Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'

 I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
 Always and never are two words you should always remember
never to use.
 The road to success is always under construction.
 I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!
 Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
 Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time.
 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 Born free; Taxed to death.
 A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper
tray and the blinking red light.
 The hardest part of skating is the ice.
 The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who
invented the other three, he was the genius.
 The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to
appreciate it.
 If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone
bills.
 If you can't convince them, confuse them.
 It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
 I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
 The cigarette does the smoking - you are just the sucker.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while
driving.

1. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a
referee.
2. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and
the other is the husband.
3. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they
wanted cash.
4. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.
5. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
6. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
 7. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
8. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get
tired.
10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or
she'll take it anyway.
11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and
she agrees with me.
12. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to
others.
13. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
14. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
15. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things
more than doing them.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his
job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between
address books.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents
have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools
talk because they have to say something
20. They call our language the mother tongue because the
father seldom gets to speak!

1. Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married

Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

1. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a

formalityjust like two boxers shaking hands before the fight
begins!
2. Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
3. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's
like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
4. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has
it.
5. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor
has it!
If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Never try to drown your troubles... Especially if he can swim.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On
my desk I have a work station.

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son
who thinks he's usually wrong.

Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them,
we wouldn't have.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right
side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it

sound confusing.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.

Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

A million flies can't be wrong - Eat shit.

Seen under it written in a different colour:

A billion humans can't be wrong - Don't eat shit

Library desk graffiti

Be creative, invent a perversion.

Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.

We, the unwilling,

led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing.

FOOT: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

HEALTH: The slowest possible rate of dying.

KARAOKE: A Japanese word meaning tone deaf.

PHILOSOPHY: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.

POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

SLEEP: A poor substitute for caffeine.

SLEEP: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

SUSHI: Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.

When you die you go to heaven. Until then welcome to hell!

I have a drinking problem, I can't afford it.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor
with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything

positively stinks.

Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to
extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

That's the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always get worse.

He who knows and knows that he knows is a master.

He who knows and does not know that he knows needs a teacher.
He who does not know and knows that he does not know, needs love.
He who thinks he knows and does not know, is lost.

Ancient proverb

 Get a LOT of explosives. The more the better.

 Hook up a detonator to an altimeter. Set it for 100-200 feet. That will give you
good dispersion.
 Mix vaseline and gasoline in a bucket.
 Find a really tall building. Something like the World Trade Center is perfect and
is in a sufficiently crowded area to generate the proper sized crowd.
 Get an extra large trench coat, ski mask, duct tape and a lighter.
 Bring your materials to the top of your building. Liberally apply the vaseline-
gasoline mixture to your entire body. Duct tape the explosives around your legs,
arms, head and torso. The more you use the better. You cannot overdo this. Attach
the altimeter to the explosives.
 Put on the trench coat and mask so that the explosives are not visible.
 Start ranting and throwing things so that you are sure to attract notice. Drag this
part out as long as possible. Say anything that comes to mind but try to stay away
from real problems. Your love life DOES NOT make for a good sound bite. Ask
for news cameras from the major networks. Pace around a lot while waving your
arms.
 DO NOT let on that you have explosives on your body. The police will clear the
area and you definitely don't want that.
 When you've gotten the crowd to a fevered pitch, when the helicopters are
hovering like vultures, whip off the jacket and set yourself on fire.
 Wait until you are completely engulfed in flame then jump.
  Try to steer yourself towards the crowd. That way flaming falling body parts will
pelt the fleeing onlookers when you explode.
 Congratulations! You've just made history.

Cool Ways to Kill Yourself (Difficulty level 7)

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean
laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Let others laugh, let others snicker We're all related in our love of our liquor

I don't have a drinking problem.

I drink
I get drunk
I fall down
No problem

Top signs you're a drunken bastard:

 You frequently urinate outdoors.

 You first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half hour later you're
afraid you won't.
 You fall asleep taken a dump.
 You believe that spilling a beer is Alcohol abuse.
 You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
 Find its easier to study drunk
 You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center
 Beer ads make sense.
 You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet, and you are so
dry that it sounds mighty thrist quenching.
 You wake the next moring and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting
around the room.
 The space on your drivers license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".
 You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
 You need to take witnesses with you to confession because you can't exactly
remember what you did and the priest wouldn't believe you anyway.
 You mix your coctails by the liter.
 You grow a beard because it stops beer thats running down your chin.
 You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic zen like piss.
 You wake up in the gutter, spit our several broken teeth, haul yourself to your
feet, brush yourself off, and think "Shit, this is no way for a Bishop to behave..."
 You explain to your bank manager that you speant your overdraft "mainly on beer
and women; the rest I just wasted".
 When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
 You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
  You wake up the night after a party to put your clothes on and there aren't any.
 You find yourself saying "Honesly occifer I only hads tree bears tonight!" while
snickering at his funny hat.

Las Vegas is a town built on bad math.

Mmm... caffeine pills. The midnight snack of champions.

Evil spelled backward is live

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will spend all day
in a boat drinking beer.

Teamwork: A chance to blame someone else.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's a cheap thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever
asks for. Unreturnable becuase all you ever get back is another box of chocolates, so
you're stuck with this unidentifiable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down
when there's nothing left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an
English toffee, but they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with up
with nothing but broken bits with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you're
desperate enough to eat that, all you have left is an empty box filled with useless brown
paper wrappers."

If you're arguing with an idiot make sure he isn't doing the same thing.

It is better to drink to forget, than to forget to drink.

The reason attempted suicide is illegal: The government can't tax you if you're dead.

I remember reading that scientists once believed the universe was made of hydrogen,
because it was the most plentiful ingredient found. If that theory holds any truth, then I
believe it to be made of stupidity.

Mean people suck,

Nice people swallow,

Stupid people choke,

And wierd people gargle.