THE SIGN OF THREE

Written by

Steve Thompson

Draft 5, March 25th 2013

Address
Phone Number
1 EXT/INT. BANK. DAY 1

An armed siege...

Two men in Halloween masks holding up a high street bank with

sawn-off shotguns.

But... the heist has turned sour.

The police have arrived and surrounded the premises. Blue

lights flashing - SWAT team poised. The net tightening. No
way out of here.

CUT TO:

The alarm is ringing inside the building - a deafening

clamour.

BANK EMPLOYEES cower on the floor, trembling, weeping.

One of the GUNMEN keeps them pinned down whilst the other
stands at the front door, ready to negotiate.

CUT TO:

A DETECTIVE in a bullet-proof vest. Camera behind him as he

approaches, step by step...

Cautiously he walks towards the bank with his hands in the

air.

He is the negotiator.

CUT TO:

GUNMAN
They’re sending someone in.

Camera turns...

It’s LESTRADE.

GUNMAN (CONT’D)
(Yells)
That’s close enough.

LESTRADE stops.

GUNMAN (CONT’D)
Try anything - I’ll put a bullet in
your leg.
(Beat)
Who are you?

LESTRADE
Your new best friend. Trust me, OK?
We’ll find a way to end this.
 2.

And then LESTRADE’S mobile phone buzzes in his pocket.

It plays a funny little tune - a trilling xylophone.

LESTRADE (CONT’D)
Sorry. Sorry. I’ll turn it off.

Reaches for it...

GUNMAN
Hey! Take your hand away from your
pocket.

LESTRADE
It’s alright. I’m not carrying a
weapon.

Trills again.

LESTRADE slowly reaches into his pocket. Retrieves his phone -

glances at the display.

There is a text - we see it flash on screen.

‘URGENT. COME TO BAKER STREET. S’.

LESTRADE (CONT’D)
Actually... I need to reply to
this.

GUNMAN
What?

LESTRADE
Give me a sec.
LESTRADE responds.

‘BUSY. CAN’T. L’

GUNMAN
(Impatient)
Finished?

LESTRADE
Yep. Done. So. Let’s talk about
your demands, yeah?

And his phone immediately pings again. The same cheery little
trill.

‘I SAID “URGENT”. MOST IMPORTANT CASE EVER.’

And then it trills a third time.

‘”NO” IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER.’

 3.

LESTRADE (CONT’D)
(To the Gunman, bit
embarrassed)
I need to be somewhere else.

GUNMAN
What??

LESTRADE
Do you mind if I just slip away for
a moment? I’ll get someone to stand
in for me.

LESTRADE turns and bellows at the other officers, fifty yards

away.

LESTRADE (CONT’D)
Any of you guys free to take my
place for the rest of the
afternoon?

His phone pings yet again.

‘WAITING.’

2 INT. STREET. DAY 2

LESTRADE running through the street, dives into a police car

and barks at the OFFICER behind the wheel.

LESTRADE
Baker Street. I need to be there
five minutes ago. Move!

Pedal to the metal. And the car speeds off...

3 INT. 221B. DAY 3

LESTRADE bursts through the door of 221B. He’s moved heaven

and earth to get here - doused in sweat, panting.

SHERLOCK at his laptop, tapping away. Without a care in the

world.

Doesn’t even look up.

LESTRADE
What’s going on?

SHERLOCK
This is hard.

LESTRADE
What?
 4.

SHERLOCK
Really hard. Hardest thing I’ve
ever done. Do you know any funny
stories about John?

LESTRADE
What???

SHERLOCK
Writing my speech.

He’s got a book in front of him -

‘HOW TO WRITE AN UNFORGETTABLE BEST MAN SPEECH.’

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
I need anecdotes.

LESTRADE
(Short-tempered)
I don’t have any.

SHERLOCK
(Shrugs)
Oh. OK.
(Finally looks up)
Didn’t go to any trouble to get
here, did you?

And the curtains billow -

The deafening sound of a helicopter taking off from outside

221B Baker Street -

TITLES

4 EXT. CHURCH. DAY 4

A country churchyard -

TIGHT IN on the church doors.

We hear the organ start up - MENDELSSON’S ‘Wedding March’.

The ceremony ending.

The doors fly open - the organ swells - and the BRIDE and
GROOM emerge, newly married. JOHN and MARY side by side,
beaming with joy and pride. Her in an elegant ivory gown. Him
in full morning dress.

And SHERLOCK is alongside them.

Right alongside them!

 5.

They emerge from church as a threesome, framed in the

doorway. JOHN and MARY seem completely un-phased by his
intrusion.

A PHOTOGRAPHER is waiting, just out of shot.

PHOTOGRAPHER
OK, stop there. I want to get this
shot. The newly weds.

They stop and pose. The PHOTOGRAPHER manhandling them into

place.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
Which is the groom?

JOHN
(Not aggressive)
Sherlock. You’ll need to move.

SHERLOCK
Sorry. I just assumed you wanted to
include me

And he steps out of the picture.

Click.

A still of JOHN and MARY.

5 INT. CHURCH. DAY 5

More pictures. All our regulars photographed outside the

church doors...
Click.

JOHN and MARY with MRS. HUDSON sandwiched between them. She’s
wearing very large, elaborate hat.

Click.

JOHN, SHERLOCK and LESTRADE. The three boys together. Buddy

shot.

Click.

BRIDE and GROOM. BEST MAN and BRIDESMAID.

HOLD on this quartet whilst they wait for the PHOTOGRAPHER to

set up the shot.

The BRIDESMAID smiles nervously at SHERLOCK. This is her

first chance to say ‘Hello’ to him. And he is properly famous
after all.
 6.

BRIDESMAID
You’re Sherlock. Hi. Janine.

SHERLOCK
(Polite smile)
There won’t be any sex.

BRIDESMAID
I’m sorry?

SHERLOCK
Bridesmaid. Best Man. Traditional
that we sleep together. It’s not
going to happen.

BRIDESMAID
(Flustered)
Oh God, no, I didn’t expect -

SHERLOCK
Listening to vows raises everyone’s
level of estrogen. It’s why people
tend to meet their spouses at
weddings.

He points at a YOUNG MAN in the churchyard.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Chap in beige. Your best bet.

BRIDESMAID
(Really freaked)
Right. Thanks.

SHERLOCK
Happy to help.
He really is trying to be nice.

Click.

Photograph is taken of him smiling sweetly and her looking

massively freaked.

6 EXT/INT. RECEPTION. DAY 6

Click. Another still.

Pondicherry Lodge -

A charming country hotel. The location for the reception.

CUT TO:

Entrance hall.
 7.

The whole place done out in sprays of yellow and white

carnations and gold ribbons.

A sign outside the Reception Room -

‘THE WEDDING OF

JOHN HAMISH WATSON AND

MARY ELIZABETH MORSTAN’

7 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 7

The receiving line.

MARY, JOHN, SHERLOCK, a few key relatives - all ready to

greet the guests. Lots of grip and grin.

First in the queue to say ‘Hello’ to them is a young man -

ED.

Personable, attractive, 30s. Shakes hands warmly with

SHERLOCK.

USHER
Ed.

SHERLOCK
I know your name. Mary’s Ex.

USHER
(Laughs nervously)
You were watching me in church, I
swear.
SHERLOCK
Just checking. Thought you might
still have some feelings for her.

USHER
Oh, Lord no. We went our yonks ago.

SHERLOCK
‘If anyone has any reason why they
shouldn’t be lawfully married.’

USHER
(Seeking to make a joke)
What were you gonna do? Rugby
tackle me to the floor.

SHERLOCK
(Dead serious)
Sodium thiopental.
 8.

ED moves along the line nervously, getting away from SHERLOCK

as swiftly as possible.

CUT TO:

A little PAGE BOY is next in line - velvet suit and lace

collar.

When he gets to SHERLOCK he bursts into tears. His MUM smiles

benevolently and strokes his hair.

MUM
Bit overcome with emotion. Been
rehearsing his part for weeks.

SHERLOCK smiles at the little boy and offers his hand.

SHERLOCK
Hello there.

This has the effect of making him howl even louder.

MUM
Sorry.

His MUM ushers him away. JOHN whispers to SHERLOCK.

JOHN
What did you do to him?

SHERLOCK
He had the rings. I thought someone
should check if there was any
history of criminal behaviour.

JOHN
You threatened him!?

SHERLOCK
No.

Beat.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Mr. Pickles.

JOHN
Who’s Mr. Pickles?
(Guesses before he’s
finished the question)
His teddy bear.

8 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 8

People milling round in the Reception room, before it’s time

to take their seats. Lively chatter. WAITERS circulate with
trays of drinks.
 9.

Let’s have this scene POV PHOTOGRAPHER. (We don’t actually

see the PHOTOGRAPHER - we just experience his view of the
world. He’s a key presence without ever appearing on screen).

Click.

MOLLY with TOM - kissing. Never miss an opportunity.

Click.

MRS. HUDSON putting an empty champagne glass on the tray and

retrieving a full - one swift motion.

Click.

SHERLOCK is with MARY - they’ve become quietly inseparable.

Surrounded by JOHN’S family it’s as though SHERLOCK has
become her comfort blanket.

JOHN sweeps up to them holding the hand of a young woman -

LAURA.

JOHN
Chaps, this is Laura.

MARY
Hi.

LAURA
Your dress is lovely.

MARY
Thank you.

JOHN
Laura’s my...
SHERLOCK
(Knows)
Ex. Yes.

LAURA
Hi, there. Have we met?

SHERLOCK
No.

LAURA
You’ve seen photos of me?

SHERLOCK
No.

LAURA
John’s talked about me?

SHERLOCK
No.
 10.

LAURA
Oh. Lucky guess, then.

MARY and JOHN both shakes their heads as if she’s just said
something offensive.

JOHN
Doesn’t.

SHERLOCK
I don’t do guesses.

LAURA
OK. Then - how...?

SHERLOCK
You’re the spitting image of Mary.
Same height, weight, hair tone, eye
colour and general complexion.
Obviously it comes down to
personality.

LAURA
What does?

SHERLOCK
The reason he didn’t marry you
instead.

LAURA manages a smile - God knows how - and drifts off to get
a drink.

JOHN
That went well.

SHERLOCK
Yes.
(Breath)
Did it?

JOHN
No.

MARY
He was trying to introduce you to a
sexy single girl.

SHERLOCK
You did. You introduced me. It went
fine.

JOHN
Until you said she had no
personality. Went down hill a bit.

SHERLOCK
Do you deny there’s a resemblance?
 11.

JOHN
Coincidence. I don’t choose people
according to a template.

And then MARY spots someone in the crowd.

MARY
(Calls out)
Ooh. James? Come and say ‘Hello’.

Drags him over- a friend of JOHN’S.

His name is JAMES SHOLTO.

And he’s the spitting image of SHERLOCK. Except he’s wearing

an army uniform.

MARY (CONT’D)
Sherlock. Can I introduce you to
James Sholto - one of John’s best
friends?

They shake hands.

SHOLTO
Delighted.

And it’s like looking in a mirror. SHOLTO is the same height,

weight, facial shape, hair colour and eye colour as SHERLOCK.

Even has the same bearing and gait.

SHERLOCK
You look familiar.

SHOLTO
(Points straight at
Sherlock, sizing him up)
One elder brother, violinist - but
not concert standard, live alone
but not much of a social life, ex-
smoker, work is everything.

SHERLOCK
(Deeply unimpressed)
That’s an interesting trick.

MARY can’t keep the smile off her face. She did this
deliberately.

9 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 9

The TOAST MASTER bellows to the room -

TOAST MASTER
Ladies and gentleman. Would you
please take your seats?
 12.

10 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 10

MARY escorting SHERLOCK and SHOLTO to their places.

SHERLOCK
A friend of John’s?

MARY
(Teasing)
Close friend.

SHERLOCK
How close?

SHOLTO
I’m sorry?

MARY
(Still teasing)
Ooh, very.

SHOLTO
I was his commanding officer in the
regiment.

SHERLOCK
(Is he jealous?)
He doesn’t mention you. Ever.

MARY
(Teasing)
Does to me. Never shuts up about
him.

SHERLOCK
(Pointedly)
I’ve never even heard him speak
your name.

SHOLTO
We’ve not hooked up much over these
past years.

MARY
Mm. Shame.

SHERLOCK
(Competitive)
I see him all the time.

SHOLTO
I don’t get out much. My place is
quite secluded - in the country.
Miles away.

SHERLOCK
Good.
 13.

SHOLTO
What?

SHERLOCK
Nothing. Fine.

MARY
James is practically a recluse
these days. Never comes out to
play. Glad you made an exception
today.

SHOLTO
Can’t let Watters down, can we?

And he swans off to his seat.

SHERLOCK
Who calls him ‘Watters’? Noone
calls him ‘Watters’.

MARY
He does, apparently.

A twinkle in her eye - a grin at the corner of her mouth.

Enjoying SHERLOCK’S discomfort.

SHERLOCK
Stop smiling.

MARY
It’s my wedding day.

And everyone takes their place.

SHOLTO is on a table with lots and lots of attractive women -

LAURA among them. (But oddly, no men.)

SHERLOCK watching SHOLTO like a hawk. His other self.

11 INT. RECEPTTION. DAY 11

Music plays -

The wedding breakfast served at table.

JUMP CUT through a series of shots of guests gossiping,

eating, laughing, drinking. Three courses. Soup and salmon
and tart. Followed by coffee. And a constant flow of booze.

Passes by in a sequence of detailed shots.

CUT TO:

Finally... WAITERS filling up everyone’s glasses with

champagne, ready to toast the happy couple.
 14.

Bing bing bing.

Spoon on a wine glass.

TOAST MASTER
Pray silence for the Best Man.

A ripple of applause.

JOHN clutches MARY’S hand - partly in anticipation, partly

for comfort - this speech could go either way.

SHERLOCK clears his throat and -

SHERLOCK
Ladies and gentlemen. Family.
Friends. Um... Also...

And then the camera turns round, and we see SHERLOCK’S POV -

A sea of eighty people.

And every single one of them has a text hovering above their
head - just as he would see it...

‘JOHN: AUNT (NOT POPULAR)’;

‘MARY: LINE MANAGER’;

‘JOHN: FIRST SNOG’;

‘MUTUAL: FRIEND FROM BALLROOM’...

SHERLOCK has every single person in the room pegged as a JOHN-

person or a MARY-person.
SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Colleagues. Schoolmates. Couple of
exes...

A WOMAN IN A YELLOW HAT is the only one without a label.

Instead she has a line of question marks above her head.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
You in the yellow. Are you in the
right wedding?

WOMAN IN A YELLOW HAT shifts uncomfortably and clutches her

boyfriend’s hand.

The text above her head changes from ‘???’ To ‘+1’.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Some of you have come a very long
way to be with us today.

SHERLOCK’S POV -
 15.

Like a fruit machine spinning round, all of the labels above

their heads disappear - to be replaced by the places that
they’ve come from.

TIGHT IN on a TANNED WOMAN. The word ‘ALICANTE’ above her.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Sorry about your luggage. Glad you
managed to borrow something.
(And as an afterthought)
Your bag is in Karachi. Terminal
two. First carousel.

The TANNED WOMAN looks daggers.

Beat. Deep breath from SHERLOCK.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
John Watson is my friend.
(Beat)
He’s been my flatmate, my
confidante, my colleague and - on
more than one occasion - my
saviour. I owe him a great deal.
(Breath)
Wrong. I owe him everything. I
wouldn’t be standing here without
his intervention. He has rescued me
- time and again. Sometimes from
mortal danger. Often from myself. I
don’t have many people I call
‘friend’. It’s not a word that
comes easily to my lips. John is
the very best of them.

A warm ripple in the audience - big smiles - some people

dabbing their eyes.

JOHN clearly moved, MARY strokes his back.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Most people actually thought we
were gay.

Oh dear.

They were starting to warm up and now - sudden embarrassed

hush, peppered with a little nervous laughter.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
We’re weren’t.

Beat.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Aren’t.

Beat.
 16.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Never were.

Beat.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Probably this is the moment to make
that clear.

Beat.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
It’s an obvious error. I’m very
blokey and John’s quite gentle.

JOHN
(Trying to make light of
it)
No. They thought I was the blokey
one.

SHERLOCK
I’m more assertive.

JOHN
Yeah, but I was in the army. I ate
bugs.

MARY
(Mutters)
Boys. Moving on, yeah?

An awkward pause. SHERLOCK gets it together.

SHERLOCK
We’ve been through a lot together
as flat mates. Bad plumbing;
rewiring; kidnapped by a Chinese
Drug Cartel. But I’d like to begin
by saying what an honour it is that
with so many friends... he picked
me to be the best man.
(Blunt)
Instead of any of you. Bad luck.
(Pointedly at Sholto)
You all came second.

- and we are whisked back to months before -

12 INT. 221B. DAY 12

SHERLOCK’S flat - empty.

We can hear JOHN outside the door, gently knocking.

JOHN (O.S.)
Sherlock?
 17.

SHERLOCK not visible anywhere.

JOHN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Sherlock?

SHERLOCK’S voice calls out in reply but it’s muffled and

distant. Sounds like he’s offstage somewhere, in the bathroom
or the bedroom.

SHERLOCK (O.S.)
Come in, John.

JOHN enters.

Same old 221B - the place he used to live. Like greeting an

old friend. His faces creases into a smile.

But SHERLOCK nowhere to be seen.

JOHN
You in the bedroom?

SHERLOCK (O.S.)
I’ll just be a minute. Have a seat.

JOHN does as he is bid.

Everything is just as at it was the day he left. The same

experiments piled up in the kitchen, the same mess of books
and papers.

But... His eye is drawn to a large sports bag propped up in

the corner. Big enough to hold a cricket bat and pads or even
fencing swords. Never seen it before.

JOHN waits.
SHERLOCK still doesn’t come.

JOHN
(Calls out)
Have I called at a bad time? I can
come back.

SHERLOCK (O.S.)
In the middle of something. Can you
give me a second?

The kit bag propped up in the corner shudders a little.

JOHN
Sherlock?

The kit bag wobbles more violently and then it falls over.

SHERLOCK (O.S.)
Dammit.
 18.

JOHN jumps up and unzips the kit bag.

And there is SHERLOCK’S face peering out at him. He is bent

over double so he is staring out between his own knees.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
How did the Crown Prince of Lahore
get past the Caliph’s guard?

JOHN
Maybe he climbed into a gym bag.

SHERLOCK
I’ve been thinking the same thing.

13 INT. 221B. DAY 13

SHERLOCK making calculations. How long can a man survive

inside a bag? Measuring it with a tape measure. Scribbling
down some sums.

JOHN
‘Nice to see you, John’.
(Beat)
‘Been a while’.
(Beat)
‘How are things?’

SHERLOCK
(Blunt)
Why are you here?

JOHN
Ah. The traditional warm welcome.
Could have guessed. I’m on my way
to somewhere.

SHERLOCK
Ah.

JOHN
Tussaud’s.

SHERLOCK
Really?

JOHN
No. I needed to see you. Wanted to
have a chat. We have to talk about
something very important.

SHERLOCK
Best Man...

JOHN
What?? Yes.
 19.

SHERLOCK
... I ever saw at this was an
Indian contortionist. Nine weeks in
a tea chest.

JOHN
Great. Good. Spiffing. Can we talk
about something else?

SHERLOCK
Your Best Man...

JOHN
Yes!

SHERLOCK
... when it comes to contortionism
is a Chinese acrobat.

JOHN
Focus on me for a second.

SHERLOCK
You want to talk about the Best
Man.

JOHN waits to see if he’s talking about something else....

But he isn’t, not this time.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
At your wedding.

JOHN
Yes.

SHERLOCK
The answer’s ‘Yes...’

JOHN
Well - great...

SHERLOCK
Yes of course, I don’t mind at all.

JOHN
Don’t mind?

SHERLOCK
You’ve got other people you want to
ask instead of me.

JOHN
No - honestly I haven’t...

SHERLOCK
I appreciate you coming to tell me
but really - it’s alright.
(MORE)
 20.
SHERLOCK (CONT'D)
I wouldn’t want me either. I’d be
rubbish.

JOHN
No, wait -

SHERLOCK
Who is it, Graham?

JOHN
Who’s Graham?

SHERLOCK
Lestrade.

JOHN
Greg. And no, it’s isn’t him.

SHERLOCK
Mrs. Hudson? She’ll be thrilled.

JOHN
She’s baking the cake.

SHERLOCK
She’ll have her hands full.

JOHN
Don’t be an idiot, Sherlock. I want
you to be Best Man. You’re my
closest friend.

SHERLOCK stares at him - oddly expressionless. It’s like he

has just frozen.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Say something.

14 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 14

SHERLOCK’S speech -

SHERLOCK
I told him I was surprised.
Shocked, even. Deeply honoured that
he would consider me...

15 INT. 221B. DAY 15

SHERLOCK has just received the request.

He stands there in silence looking totally bewildered - even

a little gormless.

Silence.
 21.

HOLD...

16 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 16

SHERLOCK’S speech -

SHERLOCK
Also moved, delighted, proud, a
whole spectrum of emotion...

17 INT. 221B. DAY 17

SHERLOCK still staring at JOHN, unable to find the words to

say what he wants to say.

Silence.

HOLD....

18 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 18

SHERLOCK’S speech -

SHERLOCK
I told him that I wouldn’t let him
down. I would rise to the
challenge. I would relish this
opportunity.

19 INT. 221B. DAY 19

SHERLOCK silent.
Eventually JOHN pipes up -

JOHN
Sherlock?
(Beat)
Gone all weird.

20 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 20

SHERLOCK’S speech -

SHERLOCK
Later on I realised - I never
managed to say any of that out
loud.

21 INT. 221B. DAY 21

SHERLOCK still dumbfounded.

 22.

SHERLOCK
(Still shocked)
What do I have to do?

JOHN
Start by saying ‘Yes’.

Beat.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Out loud.

SHERLOCK
Yes.

JOHN
Brilliant.

Beat.

SHERLOCK
Do we hug?

JOHN
It’s not a prerequisite.

SHERLOCK
OK. What comes next?

JOHN
(Numbering on his fingers)
Organise a stag do. Write a speech.

SHERLOCK
(Oh dear)
Speech?
JOHN
Touching anecdotes. Funny
anecdotes. Toast. That’s it. That’s
all.

SHERLOCK looks as though JOHN is speaking Swahili.

First time in his life he is out of his depth.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Can you handle it?

SHERLOCK
You want me to stand up in front of
everyone - everyone you love -
and... talk.

JOHN
Yep. That’s what a speech is.
 23.

SHERLOCK
You’re not worried.

JOHN
About?

SHERLOCK
Arrests.

JOHN
Oh come on, you’ll be brilliant. I
know you will. I have every
confidence.

HARD CUT TO:

22 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT - BEDROOM. NIGHT 22

JOHN wakes up screaming in the middle of the night -

JOHN
Aahhhh!

MARY jumps up in bed beside him.

MARY
John?

JOHN
(Waking from a nightmare)
Everybody I love in one room. They
all turned on me. Came at me with
cake forks.

MARY
Oh sweetheart, not again.

She slumps back down on the pillow.

He’s having the same recurring nightmare. But she’s bored of

it now. She’s finding it hard to be supportive - it’s been
going on for so many nights.

MARY (CONT’D)
He’ll be fine. He’s desperate to do
good job.

JOHN
Anything better than ‘train wreck’ -
I’ll be singing Zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

MARY
He might actually surprise you.
 24.

23 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 23

SHERLOCK’S speech in full flow now -

SHERLOCK
This wedding wasn’t a total shock
to me. John and I had discussed the
subject of marriage many times.
(Beat, for effect)
In the past I’d always told him I
was flattered. I knew we’d become
close. But I felt that marriage was
a step too far for us.

A ripple of laughter.

JOHN looks mildly surprised.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
When he told me it was Mary he was
marrying - I knew that they were
destined to be together forever.
Every time he found himself chained
up in a dungeon he instinctively
thought of her.
(Beat)
The chains reminded him of their
nights together.

More laughter. People are enjoying this.

JOHN
(Whispers to Mary)
I told you he’d be good.

MARY
(Total lie)
I remember, yeah. You kept saying.

SHERLOCK
Mary is a wonderful woman.
Intelligent, beautiful, talented,
deeply caring. She was bound to
want a man with the same qualities.
(Beat)
John’s just so relieved he managed
to snag her, before she got her
hands one.

Laughter.

JOHN
He’s properly good.

SHERLOCK
What advice can I give them as
newlyweds? John - always remember
to show Mary how you feel.
(MORE)
 25.
SHERLOCK (CONT'D)
Hug and kiss her daily.
(Beat for effect)
And if her daily won’t play ball,
you could always try the au pair.

JOHN
(So corny)
Oh, blimey.

Raucous laughter now.

SHERLOCK
Now... it’s customary for the Best
Man to share some anecdotes about
the groom.
(Jeers and cheers)
Something touching - something
funny.
(Beat)
I don’t have any. Sorry.

A beat for effect, and then he smiles.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
All I have is John’s old case book.

And he takes out his Smartphone. A few murmurs. Bit of a

surprise.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Five years as friends. Our time
together has never been mundane.
(Surfs)
Something touching - something
funny. Here’s a case that happened
whilst we were planning the
wedding...

Texts wipe across the screen -

What we are seeing is a page from JOHN’S blog. The title of a

case:

‘The Mystery of the Bloody Grenadier’

24 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT. DAY 24

MARY and SHERLOCK - up to their ears in wedding preparations.

Stationery samples, material swatches, sample menus, a first,

second and third draft table plan. The two of them are
preparing the whole event with gusto. SHERLOCK right in the
centre of it all.

JOHN, however, is sitting in the corner with his feet up -

surfing his iPhone.
 26.

MARY
Table ten?

SHERLOCK
Auntie Marjorie. Cousin Norman.
Cousin Sally. Mr. And Mrs.
Winterton. The whole Wilson family.

MARY
Check.

SHERLOCK
Anyone with an interest in
horticulture, home brewing, antique
lace or psychedlic rock pre-1970.

JOHN
(Reading. Mutters, half to
himself)
‘Missing heir-loom.’

MARY
Table eleven?

SHERLOCK
Table eleven is a repository for
all the people who need to be kept
away from the bar.

MARY
(Knowing)
Mrs. Lestrade, dare one venture?

SHERLOCK
I’ve organised a selection of
potted ferns. To minimise access.
MARY
We need to brief the bar staff. ‘Be
miserly’.

SHERLOCK
Done.

JOHN
(Still reading)
‘My husband is three people’.

MARY
Table twelve?

SHERLOCK
(Reading the name)
James Sholto.
(Doesn’t recognise him)
Who?
 27.

MARY
John’s army chap.

SHERLOCK
(Reads the plan)
With a coterie of single women.

MARY
John says he’s rather awkward
around men.

JOHN
(Looks up)
Haven’t you two done yet?

SHERLOCK
Version eight point one point one.

MARY
(Playful)
You could make yourself useful,
instead of just sitting there
moaning.

JOHN
(Bored, won’t even look
up)
I’ve smelled eighteen different
perfumes. I’ve sampled nine
different slices of cake that all
tasted identical. I’ve told you - I
like the Bridesmaids in yellow.

MARY AND SHERLOCK

(Unison)
Primrose.
JOHN
Surely there are no decisions left
to make.

SHERLOCK
We haven’t even begun.

MARY
(Smiles)
Tea for the workers.

And off she trots, leaving them alone.

SHERLOCK still busy busy busy. Now he’s studying table

decorations in a Bridal magazine.

Pause. Then -

JOHN
Enjoying yourself?
 28.

SHERLOCK
Did we opt for serviettes as fans
or folded up like little orchids?

JOHN
(Hisses)
Sherlock - I don’t care. I’m dying
here. If I have to answer one more
question with the words ‘colour
scheme’ in it I’m going to chew my
own foot off. Stop talking about
weddings.

SHERLOCK
(Not listening)
What about sequins on the table?

JOHN
Sherlock!

SHERLOCK
You can get signature mints with
little ‘M’s and little ‘J’s.

JOHN
Did you just say ‘signature mints?’

SHERLOCK
Indoor crazy golf. Apparently it’s
the thing of the kids during the
speeches. Nine holes or eighteen?

JOHN
Sherlock. Stop it! It’s hurting.

JOHN waves the iPhone.

JOHN (CONT’D)
I’m begging you. Your inbox is
bursting with juicy unsolved cases.
Take the afternoon off, please. No
more lists. No more barn-dance-or-
80s-band. Let’s resort to being men
for an hour!

Thrusts his phone under SHERLOCK’S nose.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Anything! Pick one.

SHERLOCK scrolls the list. Unimpressed.

SHERLOCK
‘My husband is three people.’
 29.

JOHN
Interesting. Says he has three
distinct patterns of moles on his
skin.

SHERLOCK
Identical triplets. One in half a
million births. Solved it without
leaving the flat. Now,
serviettes...

But JOHN is determined to keep trying. Guides him back to the

inbox display.

JOHN
There’s loads. Keep looking.

Scrolls through again.

SHERLOCK
‘Our lollipop man is a Nazi war
criminal.’ Why are you telling me?
Cosh him and put him on a plane to
Tel Aviv.

JOHN
They can’t all be boring. There
must be something there that grabs
your attention. Have a look at this
one here...

JOHN taps the inbox and one of the emails floods our screen:

‘DEAR MR. HOLMES...’

The voice of the correspondent narrating -

25 EXT/INT. ARMY BARRACKS. DAY 25

The Wellington barracks in London. Birdcage Walk.

The Queen’s Grenadier Guard - the Busbies - are barracked

here, right in the shadow of Buckingham Palace.

An elegant and imposing Georgian building made of honey-

coloured stone. It’s surrounded by a high perimeter wall with
a row of punitive metal spikes.

A GUARDSMEN on duty outside the barracks in a sentry box. The

traditional red tunic, Sam Browne, gold-braided trousers. And
the absurdly large hat.

We hear the voice of SECOND LIEUTENANT BAINBRIDGE -

Very plummy - from the upper echelons, your typical

GUARDSMAN.
 30.

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
Dear Mr. Holmes. My name is
Bainbridge. I’m a Second Lieutenant
in Her Majesty’s Household Guard...

CUT TO:

Inside the barracks -

The place is old and drenched in tradition. Wood-paneled

walls. Flagstone floors.

SOLDIERS in the red coats, braided trousers and busbies

marching past.

One of them is BAINBRIDGE.

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
I need hardly tell you - we are an
elite force of forty soldiers,
responsible for the security at the
Royal Palaces in Pall Mall...

26 INT. ARMY BARRACKS - HALL. DAY 26

A regimental dinner.

Candlelight and silverware.

Rows and rows of officers and their spouses eating in the

grand hall of the barracks.

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
I’m writing to you about a personal
matter - one I don’t care to bring
before my superiors...

LIEUTENANT BAINBRIDGE is sat at table next to an attractive

young female CIVIL SERVANT from the MOD.

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
I’m convinced I’m being followed. I
never see my shadow but I know he’s
stalking me. It’s been going on for
weeks now...

And we are whisked to -

27 INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT 27

That same night -

The flat belonging to the young female CIVIL SERVANT. The

place is dark.
 31.

She and BAINBRIDGE are in bed together, having met that same
night over dinner.

They’re having an athletic bout of sex under her duvet.

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
I only have a single piece of
evidence. The stalker has the most
unusual ritual...

Camera pans past the open door to the bedroom and then
reaches the lounge.

BAINBRIDGE’S dress uniform is discarded on the sofa - the

unmistakable red jacket and trousers with gold braid.

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
He’s not interested in me - but in
my garments...

CUT TO:

Dawn light.

BAINBRIDGE comes to find his clothes. Lifts up his tunic and

examines it.

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
Whenever I take them off I can tell
that someone else has been wearing
them.

BAINBRIDGE sniffs his own tunic.

Someone else cologne?

And then he pulls a brown hair off the collar. BAINBRIDGE is
bright blonde.

28 INT. ARMY GYMNASIUM. DAY 28

BAINBRIDGE at the gym - wearing regulation army PT kit, white

shorts and vest.

Doing press-ups on a crash mat. (Oddly, his gym routine and

his sex routine are rather similar.)

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
I find hairs on my tunic that
aren’t mine. A different cologne.
Sometime a button or two is
missing...

CUT TO:

BAINBRIDGE goes to his locker in the army gymnasium -

 32.

Finds his red tunic hanging on the peg. Examines it again.

Sure enough - a button has gone.

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
Sometimes sweat stains. Maybe a
crumb of food. And always, after
it’s been worn, the uniform is
returned to where I left it.

29 INT. BEDROOM. DAY 29

Another bedroom in another flat...

BAINBRIDGE - the Lothario - is in bed with yet another woman.

This time it’s the COLONEL’S wife - rather older than him.
There is a photograph of her with her husband on the bedroom
wall.

BAINBRIDGE is with her under the sheets, giving it the same

amount of gusto that he always does...

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
I don’t want to mention it to the
Colonel. It is, after all, a very
trivial matter. But still, I find
the affair most puzzling.

Camera pans away from the bed to the floor...

There is the same red tunic, just lying there.

BAINBRIDGE (V.O.)
I would be forever indebted if you
could help.

30 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT. DAY 30

SHERLOCK and JOHN whispering in the lounge, so MARY cannot

hear.

JOHN
Fascinating. Yeah?

SHERLOCK
A uniform fetishist. With a
skeleton key. What is there to
investigate?

JOHN
I’m climbing the walls here.
Please. Let’s just go see him.
We’ll be back to choosing canapes
before you know it.
 33.

SHERLOCK studies the email. His curiosity is just beginning

to be teased.

SHERLOCK
Elite guard.

JOHN
Forty enlisted men and officers.

SHERLOCK
(starting to get
interested)
Why this particular Grenadier?
Curious.

JOHN
Now you’re talking.

SHERLOCK
Some lothario? Leaving his clothes
all over London? Simple question of
access, I imagine.

JOHN
OK. Let’s go ask him.

31 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT. DAY 31

MARY has made a tray of tea - swans out of the kitchen.

MARY
Here you go, boys.

JOHN and SHERLOCK have their coats on and are headed for the
door. They jump when she enters - guilty expressions.
MARY (CONT’D)
Errands to run?

JOHN
I want Sherlock to help me choose
some...

And he can’t think of a single credible lie. So MARY helps

him out.

MARY
Why not go with ‘socks’?

JOHN
Yep.

MARY
Got to get the right ones.

JOHN
Yep. To go with my outfit.
 34.

MARY gives them an indulgent smile.

MARY
It’ll probably take you a while,
that.

And they’re out of the door.

32 EXT. STREET. DAY 32

JOHN and SHERLOCK leaving JOHN’S flat.

JOHN
You think she knows?

SHERLOCK
Absolutely not.

And they run to hail a cab.

33 EXT. PARK . DAY 33

St. James’ Park.

The sparrows flock to be fed. The pond ripples in the

sunshine.

SHERLOCK and JOHN walking through the park, heading for the
barracks in Birdcage Walk.

34 INT. ARMY BARRACKS. DAY 34

A UNIFORMED SOLDIER stationed at the guard house - the red

and gold of the Grenadiers.

JOHN presents himself.

JOHN
Captain John Watson. Fifth
Northumberland Fusiliers. And this
is Sherlock Holmes. We’ve got an
appointment with Second Lieutenant
Bainbridge.

SOLDIER
You’ll have to wait.

JOHN
Oh?

SOLDIER
He’s just gone out on duty.

And he points...
 35.

They turn.

BAINBRIDGE is marching across the parade ground towards a

sentry box. Turns, stands to attention, lifts his rifle to
his shoulder and freezes.

Motionless for the next hour.

Damn.

They’ll have to wait for him to come off duty.

35 EXT. PARK. DAY 35

JOHN and SHERLOCK sit on a bench in St. James’ Park - feeding

the sparrows.

Fifty yards away they can see BAINBRIDGE on duty, stock

still.

JOHN
You think they give them classes?

SHERLOCK
What classes?

JOHN
Resisting the temptation to scratch
your bum.

Beat.

SHERLOCK
Afferent neurons in the peripheral
nervous system.
Beat.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Bum itch.

JOHN
Never let one go by, do you?

SHERLOCK
What?

JOHN
A chance to be a smart-arse.

SHERLOCK
I treasure every one.

And their faces creased into a smile simultaneously.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Why steal a uniform?
 36.

JOHN
Disguise?

SHERLOCK
Easy enough to make a replica. And
why keep returning it to the owner?

JOHN
You don’t know the answer.

SHERLOCK
No.

JOHN
Good. Well. I’m savouring this
moment.

They hear Big Ben chiming.

JOHN checks his watch. Sentry duty is done.

36 EXT. ARMY BARRACKS. DAY 36

BAINBRIDGE walking off the parade ground. JOHN and SHERLOCK

scuttle after him.

SHERLOCK
Lieutenant Bainbridge? Lieutenant
Bainbridge?

He doesn’t hear them - slightly too far away.

Instead he marches up to a door marked ‘Armoury’. The door

leads directly off the parade ground, just beside the sentry
box.
Opens it with a key and goes in.

JOHN and SHERLOCK scuttle up to the door. SHERLOCK pushes it.

It’s locked.

JOHN
He’ll be out in a second. Stowing
his rifle.

Silence.

They wait and wait, but he doesn’t emerge. And then JOHN
looks down.

There is a trickle of blood seeping out under the door.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Sherlock, look!
 37.

37 INT. ARMOURY. DAY 37

Crash!

SHERLOCK kicks in the door of the armoury.

They burst into the room. A cold stone chamber, sparsely

furnished. A large rack of ceremonial rifles lined up along
one wall.

And there is BAINBRIDGE on the floor in his shirtsleeves.

He is bleeding from a deep wound in his stomach. Blood

spilling down on to the floor in a big reservoir. It has
started to seep under the door.

JOHN
My God.

JOHN takes his pulse, tries to ascertain if he is still

breathing.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Stab wound in the gut. He’s losing
blood fast.

SHERLOCK scans the whole room at speed - a sea of texts

flooding the screen.

The armory windows all have bars across them...

There is only one door - the door they just kicked in...

No access - other than the way they just came...

SHERLOCK
One exit. Windows barred. No air
vents. This is the only way in or
out of here.

JOHN
(Examines the body)
He stabbed himself. Crazy lunatic.

SHERLOCK
Suicide victims usually tend to
need a weapon, wouldn’t you say?

They look around the cubicle - scan the floor of the

bathroom.

There is no blade anywhere.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Interesting - he should choose to
use a blade when he has two dozen
loaded rifles lined up here.
(MORE)
 38.
SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Even more interesting when the
blade is invisible.

JOHN checks BAINBRIDGE’S hands but they are empty.

JOHN
It’s gone. The knife that did this
isn’t in here.

And then there is a sharp intake of breath from the body.

BAINBRIDGE opens his eyes.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Sherlock, he’s still conscious.

BAINBRIDGE
(Hisses)
Help me.

JOHN
(To Bainbridge)
It’s alright, it’s alright.
(To Sherlock)
Give me your scarf. I need to
staunch the bleeding.

SHERLOCK reluctant to part with his precious scarf - but only

for a split second.

JOHN (CONT’D)
You’ve got others.

JOHN uses it as a makeshift bandage.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Call a Doctor.
SHERLOCK takes out his phone and starts to dial.

And then they hear footsteps.

Two GUARDSMEN enter with their rifles. They see JOHN and
SHERLOCK kneeling over the bleeding body. Instinctively one
of them raises his rifle.

SOLDIER
(To John)
Put your hands up.

JOHN
Got to keep pressure on this wound.

SOLDIER
(To Sherlock)
You - put your hands up.

SHERLOCK
Sorry. Urgent phone call.
 39.

38 INT. MILITARY CELL. DAY 38

Clang!

JOHN and SHERLOCK shut up in a miliary cell - the basement of

the barracks.

JOHN
I keep running it in my mind.

Beat.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Walked on to the parade ground.
Stood there for an hour with us
watching. Nothing apparently wrong
with him. Comes off duty. Presto!
He’s pouring blood.

Beat.

JOHN (CONT’D)
How can you make a weapon vanish?

Beat.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Ice blade.

SHERLOCK raises an eyebrow.

JOHN (CONT’D)
The blade was made of ice. Melted.

SHERLOCK
Brilliant.
JOHN
Really?

SHERLOCK
No. It was only four degrees above
freezing. Draughty old barracks.
Even if it melted, the water
wouldn’t evaporate.

JOHN
OK. So... So...

Beat.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Organic matter.

SHERLOCK
What?
 40.

JOHN
A blade made of compacted blood and
bone. Broke after piercing his
abdomen.

SHERLOCK
You’re missing the issue.

JOHN
What’s the issue?

SHERLOCK
‘Help me’ doesn’t sound much like a
suicide victim talking.

JOHN
No, you’re right. Didn’t kill
himself, did he? So we’re saying
somebody stabbed him. And then
walked out through a locked armoury
door, without us noticing.

SHERLOCK
Not just a locked door. A locked
door in a guarded barracks, behind
a three foot thick perimeter wall.

JOHN
In the grounds of a Royal Palace.

SHERLOCK
Quite some feat, that.

39 INT. MILITARY CELL. DAY 39

Some time after... JOHN and SHERLOCK are lying on the cell
beds, waiting for their inquisitors.

SHERLOCK deep in thought.

JOHN decides to test the water.

JOHN
What shape should we fold the
napkins?

SHERLOCK
(Short)
I can’t think about that now.

JOHN
Excellent. My work here is done.

SHERLOCK
What?
 41.

JOHN
No. Nothing.

JOHN smiles. Can’t help it. Finally he’s managed to steer

SHERLOCK away from the wedding plans.

Then... Clang!

Door opens.

The CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD enters. BAINBRIDGE’S commanding

officer.

CAPTAIN
I’ve called the MPs. You two are
under arrest.

SHERLOCK
I’m a civilian.

CAPTAIN
(Points at John)
He’s a Captain.

JOHN
Not for a long time, sorry.

SHERLOCK
Call Scotland Yard.

JOHN
How’s the patient?

CAPTAIN
Unconscious but he’ll live. Where’s
the weapon?
SHERLOCK
Well done. I knew eventually you’d
catch up.

CAPTAIN
He’s got a wound in his abdomen
four inches deep. One of you two
fellows put it there.

SHERLOCK
Shortly before John saved his life
by staunching the bleeding. Few
flaws in your logic, aren’t there?

CAPTAIN
Now, listen...
 42.

SHERLOCK
What are you going to do? Arrest
him with one hand and pin a medal
on him with the other? This man is
a hero.

CAPTAIN
Who killed him, then? If it wasn’t
one of you two.

JOHN
Give us a while. We’re working on
it.

The screen is wiped again by the pages of JOHN’S blog.

‘The case of the Bloody Grenadier’

And there is an entry at the bottom of the blog page: ‘CASE:

UNSOLVED’.

- and suddenly we are whisked back to -

40 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 40

SHERLOCK’S speech -

SHERLOCK
Case was never solved. But I
mention it to demonstrate one
thing. John Watson is a true hero.
Saved the life of that poor
Guardsman.

A round of applause.
MARY
(Mutters)
Also shows he’s rubbish at planning
weddings.

SHERLOCK
Which leads me on to the stag do.

A few jeers and cheers.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Customary for the Best Man to
embarrass the Groom with some funny
stories. What started as a stag do
ended up as another case. Let me
tell you about it...

And the texts wipe across the screen again -

Another excerpt from JOHN’S blog.

 43.

‘The Case of the Mayfly Man.’

41 INT. ST. BART’S LAB. DAY 41

SHERLOCK has come to see MOLLY.

MOLLY
Murder sights?

SHERLOCK
(Pleased with himself)
A pub crawl. Themed.

MOLLY
Yeah, but... Murder sights? Can’t
you do... underground stations?

SHERLOCK
Lacks a personal touch. We’re gonna
have a drink in every street...

MOLLY
(Finishes his sentence)
Where you’ve found a corpse. That’s
lovely. Why d’you need me?

SHERLOCK
Don’t want us getting ill. That
would ruin it. Dull the mood.

MOLLY
The mood being jolly. When you’re
visiting murder scenes.

Beat. Stares at her.

SHERLOCK
Was that humour?

MOLLY
Yes.

SHERLOCK
You’re cracking jokes. What
happened to you, Molly?

MOLLY
Boyfriend. Not a killer and not
gay.

SHERLOCK
Step in the right direction.

MOLLY
And we’re having quite a lot of
sex.
 44.

SHERLOCK
OK.

CUT TO:

SHERLOCK digs into his coat and presents MOLLY with a

dossier. On JOHN.

JOHN’S exact height, weight, vital statistics.

SHERLOCK (O.S.) (CONT’D)

I want to calculate John’s ideal
intake - and mine. Want to keep us
in the sweet spot for the whole
evening.

Back at the lab...

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Light-headed: good.

MOLLY
(Understands)
Vomiting in gutters: bad.

And suddenly we’re in...

42 INT. BAR. DAY 42

Busy London bar - music blaring - young people milling

around. Noise noise noise.

SHERLOCK stands at the bar, orders a round.

Conspicuously out of place. Stiff as a board and all in

black. Won’t take his coat off for anyone.

SHERLOCK
Two... er, beers.

BARMAN
Pints?

SHERLOCK
(Shakes his head)
A hundred and forty three point
seven millilitres.

He has brought two glass vessels from the laboratory -

graduated cylinders - little graded lines up the side.

Slaps them both on the bar.

JUMP CUT TO:

Slams them on the pub table in front of JOHN, full up to

their mark with beer.
 45.

Takes out a stopwatch and hits it.

A digital counter starts to run in the corner of the

screen...

JOHN
Are we on a schedule?

SHERLOCK
You’ll thank me.

CUT TO:

JUMP CUT through a series of pubs and clubs as they travel

all over London.

Superimpose a map of London with a red line showing them

travelling to the sights of their greatest cases...

43 INT. BAR. NIGHT 43

Downing another.

The stopwatch is still running in the corner of the screen.

They have to raise their voices above the din of the juke
box.

SHERLOCK
Who’s the Major?
(John can’t quite hear)
You’ve invited him Saturday.

JOHN
(Shouting)
James Sholto. Commanding officer of
my company. Brave chap. Lead the
raid on Tashkurghan. Lost a lot of
men. Made some enemies. His life
has been threatened.

SHERLOCK checks his watch.

SHERLOCK
(Nods)
Over there.

JOHN
What?

SHERLOCK
Toilet. Any second you’ll need -

JOHN
Hang on. Tell me after. Need the
loo.
 46.

SHERLOCK
On schedule.

JOHN
What?

SHERLOCK
Nothing. Go.

JOHN bolts to the toilet.

SHERLOCK takes out a chart and unfolds it. Puts a tick on a

box marked ‘URINE’ and records the exact time.

CUT TO:

JOHN comes back, and -

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
How long was it?

JOHN
Sorry?

SHERLOCK
Your ‘visit’?

JOHN
Didn’t time myself.

SHERLOCK
But if you could estimate,
approximate volume discharged.

JOHN
Stop talking now.

44 INT. BAR. NIGHT 44

Different venue -

Two more graduated cylinders filled up to the hundred and

forty three point seven millilitre mark.

JOHN getting a little fed up with this insane regime.

He’s ordered a short from the bar. Downs it quickly so

SHERLOCK cannot see him.

JOHN
(To the barman)
And another one. Quick. He mustn’t
see.

Tips it into SHERLOCK’S graduated cylinder.

CUT TO:
 47.

They drink. And again. And again.

In their cups now.

CUT TO:

Superimpose the red line across London - but, oh look, it

starts to get shakier.

CUT TO:

The next beer and the next beer and the next.

Until the red line is snaking all over London, and looping
back in itself in a ridiculous drunken fashion...

45 INT. BAR. NIGHT 45

SHERLOCK, completely blotto, in the middle of a bar fight

with a pissed up THUG.

He’s pointing at the THUG’S hoodie and yelling.

SHERLOCK
Listen, pal, I’m telling you - the
ash on that came from a Marlboro
light!

THUG
I never smoke lights. Girls’ fags!

SHERLOCK
(Yelling)
I know ash! Don’t tell me I don’t!
I’ll punch your ruddy lights out.
JOHN
Sherlock. Bad swearing. Noone says
‘ruddy’.

SHERLOCK
(A challenge)
Come on if you want some, dick-
brain!
(To John)
Better?

JOHN
Much.

The THUG takes a swing at SHERLOCK which he narrowly dodges.

SHERLOCK takes a swing back. JOHN drags him out...

CUT TO:
 48.

Red line crisscrossing London in no ordered fashion

whatsoever.

TIGHT IN on BAKER STREET on the map -

46 EXT. 221B. NIGHT 46

Silence -

TIGHT IN on SHERLOCK and JOHN’S faces, lying side by side.

SHERLOCK
(Mumbles)
I’ve got an international
reputation.

Beat.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Have you got an international
reputation?

Beat.

JOHN
No. No, I don’t have an
international reputation.

Beat.

SHERLOCK
Thing is - I can’t remember what
it’s for.

Beat.
SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Crime-something-or-other.

Wide -

SHERLOCK and JOHN lying prostrate, at the foot of the stoop

in BAKER STREET.

Both plastered.

Climbing the small flight of stairs has presented too much of

a challenge.

And then MRS. HUDSON comes out to leave the milk bottles.

MRS. HUDSON
What you doing back? I thought
you’d be out late.

SHERLOCK
What time is it?
 49.

MRS. HUDSON
(Checks her watch)
You’ve only been out an hour.
Client waiting.

47 INT. 221B BAKER STREET. NIGHT 47

Somehow JOHN and SHERLOCK have made it up the stairs -

The client - a WOMAN in her 30s - TESSA. She’s just come

straight from work. Maid’s uniform.

She sits on a high-backed chair to deliver her exposition.

Rather a heightened emotional tale.

JOHN and SHERLOCK sit opposite, side by side (backs to us).

TESSA
I don’t... a lot. I mean... I don’t
date all that much. And he
seemed... nice. You know. We seemed
just automatically to connect.

No response from them, so she ploughs on.

TESSA (CONT’D)
We had one night. I spent the whole
night. It was lovely. Breakfast.
Exchanged numbers. Said it get in
touch. And then -
(Beat)
Maybe he wasn’t quite as keen as I
was - but I thought... I just
thought... at least he’d call to
say we were through.
(Starts to tear up, this
is painful)
I went round there. To his flat. No
trace of him. Mr. Holmes... I
honestly believe I was dating a
ghost.

TESSA’S face falls.

This was her big reveal and she’s disappointed it didn’t have
more of an effect.

TESSA (CONT’D)
Mr. Holmes?

Camera turns round.

JOHN and SHERLOCK are asleep, leaning on their fists - eyes

half-open.

TESSA leans forward and prods SHERLOCK. His arm falls off his
chair and jerks him awake.
 50.

SHERLOCK
(Still pissed)
Boring boring. No - wait. Sorry.
Fascinating.
(Nudges John)
Pay attention, John. Sorry about my
colleague. Rude. Rude.

He burps.

TESSA
I checked with the Landlord. The
man who lived there died. Heart
attack. And there we are - having
dinner one week on.
(Fishing in her bag)
I’ve found this thing online... a
sort of chat room. For girls who
think they’re dating men from the
spirit world.

Shows them the printed pages -

SHERLOCK leaps to his feet. The game’s afoot. Even though

they’re still pissed.

SHERLOCK
Ten minutes I’ll find him. What was
the dog’s name?

JOHN
(Murmurs in his sleep)
Shut up he’s my mate. He could have
you in an ash-fight.

SHERLOCK
John.

Nudges JOHN awake. Actually nudges him on to the floor.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Work to do. The game is...

Can’t remember.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Something.

JOHN
‘On’?

SHERLOCK
Yup. That.

48 INT. FLAT. NIGHT 48

An empty flat -
 51.

TESSA with SHERLOCK and JOHN perusing the place - the scene
of her one-night stand.

Typical bachelor pad. Sparse but opulent.

The LANDLORD stands at the door, swinging the key.

Unimpressed by this late intrusion by two piss-heads claiming
to be detectives.

JOHN is forced to prop himself up against a wall for support.

Smiles inanely at the LANDLORD, trying to pretend that
everything is OK.

JOHN
Nishe plashe.

SHERLOCK - rather boldly - trying to walk the room and do his

thing.

TESSA
See anything?
(Beat)
Any clues, Mr. Holmes?

SHERLOCK blinks hard and looks around the room.

SHERLOCK
Erm....

POV SHERLOCK -

The room is filled with texts and every single one of them is
out of focus. Can’t read them, because he’s still pissed!

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Let me just whip this out -
SHERLOCK tries to whip out his magnifying glass - a
ridiculous dance because it’s stuck sideways in his pocket.

Eventually retrieves the thing by pulling his coat half

inside-out.

Kneels down on the floor to examine the pile of the carpet.

TESSA
(To John)
You alright?

JOHN
Clueing.

TESSA
What?

JOHN
(Points at Sherlock)
He’s clueing. For looks.
 52.

TESSA
Mr. Holmes?

SHERLOCK has fallen asleep on top of his magnifying glass -

right there on the floor.

TESSA (CONT’D)
Mr. Holmes?

LANDLORD
I’m calling the police.

TESSA
No, no! This is a famous detective.
Sherlock Holmes. And his partner -
John Hamish Watson.

LANDLORD strides across the room to yank him out -

SHERLOCK
Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don’t
compromise the integrity of the -
of the -

But he can’t finish his sentence.

Because he suddenly vomits.

JOHN
Crime scene.

SHERLOCK
(Wiping his mouth)
Yup. That.

49 INT. POLICE CELL. DAY 49

And they’re in a prison cell - yet again.

Clang! Cell door opens -

LESTRADE enters and rouses JOHN. He’s asleep on the cell

floor.

LESTRADE
Wakey wakey.

Turns JOHN over with his foot.

JOHN
Oh my God.
(Rolls over)
Greg. Is it Greg?
 53.

LESTRADE
Get up. I’m putting you two in a
taxi. I managed to square things
with the Desk Sergeant.

JOHN staggers to his feet.

LESTRADE (CONT’D)
What a couple of lightweights.
Couldn’t even make it to closing
time.

JOHN
Can you whisper?

LESTRADE
Not really.

Slaps JOHN playfully on the back, and nearly decks him.

50 INT. POLICE STATION. DAY 50

Front desk.

JOHN and SHERLOCK signing for their things. Walking like

they’re badly crippled. The worst of hangovers.

JOHN
Well. Thanks for - you know. An
evening.

SHERLOCK
It was awful.

JOHN
Yep. I was gonna pretend. But it
was. Truly.

SHERLOCK
The woman.

JOHN
What?

SHERLOCK
Dated a ghost. Most interesting
case for months. And I wasted the
opportunity.

Oh. JOHN thought he meant something else. Follows SHERLOCK

out dutifully.

JOHN
OK.
 54.

51 INT. 221B BAKER STREET. DAY 51

JOHN with two Aspirins fizzing in a glass.

JOHN
Thank God we didn’t have the stag
do the night before the wedding.

But SHERLOCK isn’t listening. He’s studying the laptop.

TIGHT IN on the screen -

A chat room page. A huge amount of traffic - women sharing

their experiences of being loved by a spectre...

www.i-dated-a-ghost.com

SHERLOCK has become obsessed by this topic -

SHERLOCK
(Nods at the screen)
There’s going to be others.

JOHN
What ‘others’?

SHERLOCK
Victims. Girls. Most ghosts - they
tend haunt a single house. This
ghost, however, he’s willing to
commute. Look.

He has put the locations of the ‘haunted shags’ on a map -

A series of pins dropped all over North London.

52 INT. 221B BAKER STREET. DAY 52

JOHN and SHERLOCK with a procession of women - visiting them

at 221B on different days -

JUMP CUT between them as they tell their tales -

CAPTION: ‘TUESDAY’ - ‘4 DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING’.

GAIL
(Dressed as a gardener)
Oscar.

CUT TO:

CAPTION: ‘WEDNESDAY’ - ‘3 DAYS BEFORE’

 55.

APRIL
(Security guard)
Toby.

CUT TO:

CAPTION: ‘THURSDAY’ - ‘2 DAYS BEFORE’

DIANA
(Dressed as a chef)
Ronnie.

53 INT. TAILOR’S. DAY 53

JOHN and SHERLOCK have come for a final fitting of their

morning dress.

Changing out of their clothes in neighbouring cubicles -

SHERLOCK
Four women in four nights.

JOHN
Got to admire him, really.

SHERLOCK
All dead men. All somewhere on the
North Circular, between Harrow and
Chiswick.

JOHN
(Disbelieving)
Haunted them, shagged them and
deserted them.
CUT TO:

Different state of undress - same conversation -

SHERLOCK
A very clever serial adulterer.
Probably married. Stealing the
identities of corpses. He’s getting
the names from the obituary
columns.

JOHN
Oh, I get it. The deceased’s flat
would be empty for a while. Free
love nest.

CUT TO:

Different state of undress - same conversation -

 56.

SHERLOCK
Noone wants to sleep in a dead
man’s home. At least not until it’s
been cleared.

JOHN
Easy, then. Steals his home -
steals his identity.

SHERLOCK
But only for one night. And then
he’s gone.
(Beat)
He’s not a ghost, John. He’s a
Mayfly.

54 INT. TAILOR’S. DAY 54

SHERLOCK and JOHN staring at themselves in the mirror - both

of them in their frock coats and hats now.

JOHN straightens his cravat. SHERLOCK fixes his cuffs. They

really look the part.

The conversation continues, as if it has never stopped...

SHERLOCK
He’d have a window. A matter of
days - from the time the person
died to their flat being cleared
and sold. This wasn’t hit and miss.
He targeted those women. Why?

JOHN
Still OK if I stay over tomorrow?

55 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT. NIGHT 55

JOHN packing an overnight suitcase -

Zips up his wedding outfit in a bag. MARY is there, kisses

him.

JOHN
See you at the altar, then.

MARY
I’ll be the one in the...

JOHN
No. Don’t tell me. Bad luck.

Another kiss and he’s gone.

 57.

56 INT. 221B. NIGHT 56

Ringing on the doorbell of 221B. MRS. HUDSON answers.

There is JOHN, on her doorstep. A small wheelie suitcase and

a zip-up suit bag. She grins and throws her arms around him.

MRS. HUDSON
Here he is. Going to be just like
old times. Ooh, John.

A bigger squeeze.

JOHN
Yep.

A shower of kisses.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Yep. Can we maybe make it past the
doorstep?

And into the flat -

57 INT. 221B. NIGHT 57

JOHN enters 221B, suit in hand. SHERLOCK crouched over his

laptop. Doesn’t turn round.

JOHN
Hi.

No response.

JOHN (CONT’D)
‘Hello John’. ‘Nice to have you
back.’

Beat.

SHERLOCK
(Blunt)
What are you doing here?

JOHN
Ah there it is again. That charming
welcome.
(Claps his hand together)
It’s my last evening as a bachelor.
Please tell me you’ve got something
exciting planned for us.

SHERLOCK grabs his coat. He’s headed out the door. Nods for
JOHN to follow.
 58.

58 EXT. CAB. NIGHT 58

JOHN and SHERLOCK in a taxi.

JOHN
If we’re going to drink tonight
let’s do it in moderation.

SHERLOCK
Mm-hm.

JOHN
I mean... I don’t mind getting a
little bit pissed up. But... you
know.

Beat.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Wonder what she’s doing tonight?

SHERLOCK
‘She’?

JOHN
Mary.

The cab stops. JOHN looks out of the window.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Sherlock. This is where I live.

SHERLOCK
Indeed. Don’t have to wonder long,
do you?

59 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT. NIGHT 59

Knock on the door.

MARY opens it a tiny crack, dressed in her wedding dress -

she’s trying it on, as JOHN guessed.

JOHN and SHERLOCK are on the doorstep. JOHN has his eyes
closed.

MARY
What the hell are you doing back
here!?

JOHN
(Eyes tight shut)
I’m not looking. I’m not looking.
 59.

60 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT. NIGHT 60

MARY has changed out of her dress now. JOHN and SHERLOCK
waiting for her in the lounge.

JOHN
I’m sure I recognise your face. I
saw you somewhere. Oh yeah - its
was about half an hour ago. Right
here.

MARY
I’ve locked everything away you’re
not supposed to see.

JOHN
What are we doing back here?

SHERLOCK
We need a woman for this.

JOHN
This?

SHERLOCK
This case. The Mayfly.

SHERLOCK opens JOHN’S laptop.

Logs on to Facebook -

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Four women... all visited by the
same lover. Exists only for a
single day. This is the way we’re
going to catch him, John.
JOHN
‘We’?

SHERLOCK opens instant messaging on Facebook.

Four windows pop up. TESSA, GAIL, APRIL, DIANA. He has been
communicating with them all as friends.

JOHN (CONT’D)
You want to solve this tonight?
That’s your idea of fun? No -
stupid question.

Plonks himself down on a chair.

SHERLOCK writes the same message on each of the four windows.

‘Hi. I’m back again’.

 60.

SHERLOCK
I’ve made contact with them all.
And I’ve arranged for each of them
to be online this evening.

JOHN
Oh, spiffing.

Gets four messages back in return.

‘Hello Mr. Holmes’

‘Hi’

‘Hi Sherlock’

‘Hello again’

JOHN (CONT’D)
What’s the plan?

SHERLOCK
Mary. I need you to guide me. These
four girls have all got one thing
in common.

JOHN
Other than the fact that they’re
all deluded.

SHERLOCK
Yes alright, two. What links them?
Same questions to each. And I don’t
get up from this chair until I get
an answer that’s identical.

61 INT. 221B. NIGHT 61

SHERLOCK deep into the problem, sits at his laptop - MARY

hurling suggestions.

JOHN just on the edge of the discussion, not really engaged.

MARY
Start with the basics. Job.

Tapping away on the keys.

He writes -

‘Job?’

They reply -

‘Maid’

‘Freelance gardener’
 61.

‘Cook’

‘I do security work’

MARY (CONT’D)
Er... Where did they meet him?

Taps the keys.

‘Where did you meet your ghost-boyfriend?’

They reply -

‘Came up to me in a pub’

‘Same gym as me’

‘Just started chatting on the bus’

‘He was doing a delivery at work’

SHERLOCK
It can’t be that random. Don’t they
realise? He chose them for a
specific reason.

MARY
OK. Let’s do all the trivia next.
Make-up?

He writes -

‘Make-up brand?’

They reply -
‘Clarins’

‘No.7’

‘Nothing in particular’

‘Whatever’s cheap’

SHERLOCK
Tsk.

MARY
Perfume?

He writes -

‘Perfume?’

They reply -

‘Chanel’
 62.

‘Chanel’

‘Chanel’

‘Estee Lauder’

SHERLOCK
(Sighs)
Damn. Thought we had it for a
moment.

MARY
Where do they hang out?

SHERLOCK writes -

‘Favourite leisure pursuit?’

They reply -

‘Clay pigeons’

‘Latin dancing’

‘Bottle of wine in front of the telly’

‘I run a quilting club’

JOHN
Bet she’s a riot.

SHERLOCK
Sh. Thinking.

MARY
Let me.
She takes over at the keyboard. Going to try something a bit
left field, she writes -

‘What do you look for in a man?’

They reply -

‘Home-loving’

‘Someone who will just cuddle me’

‘Soft and caring’

JOHN
God, what a bunch of wet haddocks.

Final reply -

‘Ten things’
 63.

JOHN (CONT’D)
She’s easy to please, then.

‘1. Someone who isn’t competitive with other men. Someone who
isn’t constantly trying to define themselves in macho ways.
3...’

JOHN (CONT’D)
Do you want to stop her before you
get her whole shopping list?

MARY writes -

‘Got the gist’

Long pause. MARY’S fingers hovering.

SHERLOCK
What else?

JOHN
Sherlock, this is hopeless.

SHERLOCK
Not hopeless. There’s a unifying
factor. He wanted something from
them all.

JOHN
Sex.

SHERLOCK
(Clicks)
Information. None of them reported
anything stolen. There’s only one
thing he got. He wanted to
interrogate them.

MARY
OK. Maybe the answer is...
embarrassing.

SHERLOCK
Like?

MARY
They might be concealing it
deliberately?

SHERLOCK
Why would they do that?

MARY
God, for a genius you don’t know
much about people, do you? Maybe
they met him somewhere seedy and
they don’t want to admit it.
 64.

She writes -

‘Are you into S and M?’

They write -

‘Not my thing’

‘No way’

‘Tried it with my ex. Just one time’

Long pause. They are waiting for the fourth reply.

And then it comes back.

‘Would you like to see some pictures?’

JOHN
And she’s the one that does the
quilting. Can never tell about
people, can you?

62 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT. NIGHT 62

Question, questions, questions.

Crowding the screen - a sea of texts - the questions that

form the basis of their interrogation...

‘Where did he take you on your date?’

‘What did you talk about?’

Trying every question under the sun to get a link between

these women.

SHERLOCK
Nothing. No common thread.

MARY
I’ve been through every question I
can think of.

JOHN watching them from the corner.

JOHN
It can only be deliberate.

MARY
What do you mean?

JOHN
They’re deliberately concealing the
truth from us.
 65.

MARY
Why would they do that?

JOHN
Obvious. They were asked to keep a
secret.

JOHN takes his turn at the laptop, types -

‘Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?’

Beat.

And then they reply -

‘No’

‘No’

‘No’

‘No’

JOHN (CONT’D)
Dammit.

SHERLOCK
No, that’s it. We’ve found it.

JOHN
Think they’re lying?

MARY
Obviously they’re lying. Everyone
has secrets. They replied way too
fast.
SHERLOCK
Excellent deduction.

MARY
Thank you.

JOHN
(Miffed, he deserves the
credit)
Fine, I’ll pass the ball over - you
can knock it in the net.

MARY
Still - we’re nowhere. If they’re
not going to tell us.

SHERLOCK
We have to trick them with our
questions, somehow.
 66.

JOHN
(Checks his watch)
Look at the time.

MARY
We have to get this solved. I won’t
enjoy tomorrow with this hanging
over me.

JOHN
Oh, great. Do you want to postpone?

She kisses him.

MARY
Didn’t mean that how it sounded.

And then she’s tapping the keys again, furiously. Determined

to get an answer that links the four of them.

63 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT. DAY 63

Middle of the night -

SHERLOCK is still hammering away at the keys, but ever so

slowly now.

JOHN is asleep on his shoulder. And MARY is asleep on JOHN’S

lap. They are sort of scrunched together as a three.

MARY eventually yawns and wakes up. Blinks at the clock.

MARY
God, what time is it?
SHERLOCK
Five.

MARY
Oh, sod it.
(Rouses John)
John. We’ve got to get ready in a
couple of hours.

JOHN
What’s going on?

MARY
We’re getting married later today.
(Apologetic smile)
Say ‘Goodbye’ to your friends.
You’ve got to go now.

She clambers to her feet and boils the kettle.

SHERLOCK types -
 67.

‘Got to go’

But he doesn’t stay to see their replies -

He drags JOHN to his feet.

JOHN
See you at the altar.
(Kisses Mary)
Wait. This conversation sounds
familiar.

Another kiss. JOHN and SHERLOCK plod to the door.

Camera pans back to the screen to catch the replies from

their four correspondents...

‘Good luck for today’

‘Hope it goes smoothly’

‘Best wishes to the Bride and Groom’

‘Have a great day’

HOLD on those four answers...

And then the screen is wiped clean by the entry from JOHN’S
blog - ‘The Mystery of the Mayfly Man’

‘CASE: unsolved.’

64 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 64

SHERLOCK’S speech.
SHERLOCK
I enjoyed that very rare privilege
that not many Best Men can claim.
I’ve slept with the bride and
groom.
(Laugh from the crowd)
At the same time.
(Laugh)
On the night before their wedding.

Big laugh. Ripple of applause.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Most people bond through day-to-day
experience - the simple daily
rituals of living. Shopping
together. Eating together. Sharing
a flat. Sharing a drink in the pub.
Not John and me.
(MORE)
 68.
SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Our lives have been peppered by
mysteries, murders, kidnaps, every
form of danger. But it hasn’t just
been a life. Thank you, John. It’s
been an adventure.

Puts down his Smartphone - closing the blog. The end of his
speech.

Big round of applause.

SHERLOCK offers his hand to JOHN and they shake.

And then that shake becomes a hug. A proper impromptu hug.

Deeply touching. SHERLOCK even looks like he might be welling
up.

JOHN
(Mutters to Sherlock)
Not a tear, is it?

SHERLOCK
Don’t be ridiculous.

JOHN
I knew you’d be brilliant.

He sits, mutters to MARY.

JOHN (CONT’D)
I knew he’d be brilliant.

MARY
Yeah. I remember you saying.

Applause dies.
SHERLOCK
So, finally.
(Raises his glass)
Ladies and gentlemen. If you’d like
to raise your glasses please. I’d
like to end...

JOHN
(Joking)
Finally. Yes!

SHERLOCK
...by proposing a toast. To...

Pause.

Really absurdly long pause.

Goes on longer than you can possibly imagine.

And then some.

 69.

The toast never comes. SHERLOCK just leaves them all hanging
there, glass raised.

JOHN
(Whispers)
Sherlock?

SHERLOCK
Mm?

JOHN
Toast?

SHERLOCK
Mm?

JOHN
John and Mary. That’s our names.

Pause.

Another ridiculously long one.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Er...

JOHN puts a hand on him to break his reverie.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Sherlock?

SHERLOCK
It’s not your names.

JOHN
What?
SHERLOCK
Not today. It’s not your names.
Your names aren’t ‘John and Mary’.
Not on this occasion.

JOHN
What are you on about?

SHERLOCK
What did she call you?

JOHN
What?

SHERLOCK
Tessa. What did she call you? When
we went to the flat. What name did
she say?

JOHN
I don’t remember.
 70.

65 INT. FLAT. NIGHT 65

FLASHBACK - night of the stag do -

JOHN and SHERLOCK pissed, stumbling around the flat in front

of TESSA and the Landlord.

TESSA
Sherlock Holmes. And his partner -
John Hamish Watson.

66 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION. DAY 66

SHERLOCK’S speech.

SHERLOCK
She called you John Hamish.

Beat. What’s the big deal?

JOHN
It’s my name.

SHERLOCK
What’s it make you think of?

JOHN
My Mum, telling me off. How is this
relevant?

SHERLOCK
Only one time in your adult life
you’re addressed by both your
forenames.
JOHN
What?

SHERLOCK
Think, John!
(Deliberate)
Today is one of them.

SHERLOCK points at the printed menu cards on the table:

‘Menu for the wedding breakfast of John Hamish Watson and

Mary Elizabeth Morstan’.

JOHN just stares at it.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
It’s written on the menu. It’s
written on the notice board
outside. It’s written on the order
of service. Today - for one day -
you’re John Hamish instead of
simply John!
 71.

Takes a moment for JOHN to catch up, and then...

JOHN
(Excited now)
She knew that I was getting
married.

SHERLOCK
Yes.

JOHN
I never told her but she knew.

SHERLOCK
She’d seen the invitation. She’d
seen your name embossed in gold.

FLASHBACK -

The invitation printed with their names: JOHN HAMISH WATSON

and MARY ELIZABETH MORSTAN.

Back to the wedding -

MARY
Wait a minute, wait a minute. The
other girls. The way they all
signed off.

FLASHBACK - the Facebook windows from last night.

‘Good luck for today’

‘Hope it goes smoothly’

‘Best wishes to the Bride and Groom’

‘Have a great day’

MARY (CONT’D)
Did you tell any of them we were
getting married?

SHERLOCK
No.

MARY
Sherlock - they’re all connected
through this wedding somehow. They
all knew about the ceremony. We’re
the link. We’re the thing that
we’ve been searching for.

MARY and JOHN jump to their feet.

They clasp hands with SHERLOCK - they hug.

 72.

Great news - they’ve found the answer after so much

searching. JOHN, MARY and SHERLOCK doing high fives and chest
bumps and big kisses. Like the team who have just scored a
winning goal.

A slightly absurd ritual because it takes place in front of

an entire Reception of people who are forced to just sit
there silently and watch.

And then JOHN has a moment of clarity. Breaks out of his

little group hug.

JOHN
(Mutters)
Er... If they all knew about today
it means...

SHERLOCK
Yes. They’re all acquainted with
someone in this room.

They stop hugging. In unison they turn to the audience of

people.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
(Suddenly adopts a big
smile)
Ladies and gentleman. Not quite
finished. I’d like to keep you all
here a little longer.
(And now he’s busking)
Hands up who likes John.

Noone puts their hands up.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
We all do. Lovely chap. Can’t say
it enough times. Let’s talk about
how much we love him.

LESTRADE
(Mutters)
No. Let’s not.

SHERLOCK pushes JOHN back into his chair.

SHERLOCK
I mean I’ve barely scratched the
surface. I could go on all night
talking about this amazing guy.

LESTRADE
(Mutters)
Tsk. I’m busting for a pee. Sod it.

JOHN surreptitiously grabs his Smartphone from his pocket.

 73.

SHERLOCK
Snappy dresser. I don’t think I’ve
mentioned that. Er...

JOHN hastily writes a message.

‘SHERLOCK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?’

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
I’ve always admired his taste in...
baggy cardigans.

SHERLOCK’S phone pings.

He reads JOHN’S message:

‘SHERLOCK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?’

And then SHERLOCK’S phone pings a second time. Another

message.

‘WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?’

This one is from MARY. SHERLOCK turns and sees - she too has
her phone out under the table.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
And he can cook. Wow. Does a great
lasagne. And he’s got a really nice
singing voice. Bet you never knew
that.

His phone pings twice in quick succession.

‘SIT DOWN’
‘SIT DOWN’

Identical texts from both JOHN and MARY.

SHERLOCK hastily writes a reply.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Hold on a moment.

Presses ‘Send’

MARY’S phone and JOHN’S phone ping simultaneously.

‘HE’S HERE! THE MAYFLY MAN IS HERE. SOMEWHERE!! TRY TO STAY

CALM’

She screams when she reads it.

JOHN can’t stop himself yelling:

JOHN
Oh my God.
 74.

SHERLOCK
Nice job of staying calm.

JOHN
Sorry. But you really think...?

SHERLOCK
Not out loud. Phone.

JOHN
(To the company)
Yes. Sorry everybody. ‘Scuse us,
would you?

SHERLOCK texting JOHN and MARY and they’re texting back.

Group texts. Between the BRIDE, GROOM and BEST MAN.

A really awkward pause whilst the GUESTS all sit and stare at
the three people on the top table, with their eyes glued to
their phones.

Silence.

And then -

MRS. HUDSON
Should we chat amongst ourselves,
do you think?

MOLLY
Pass that champagne over here.

SHERLOCK’S text:

‘HE WANTED INFORMATION. ABOUT SOMEONE HERE. SOMEONE THEY ALL

KNEW.’
JOHN:

‘WHAT FOR?’

MARY:

‘BUT WHY HIDE HIS IDENTITY?’

SHERLOCK:

‘BECAUSE HE’S A KILLER. HE’S GOING TO KILL SOMEONE HERE.

RIGHT NOW. RIGHT IN FRONT OF US ALL.’

MARY:

‘HOW?’

JOHN:

‘WE HAVE TO STOP HIM.’

 75.

SHERLOCK adopts a ridiculous cheesy grin and smiles at

everyone. Slaps his hands in mock glee.

SHERLOCK
Let’s all play a game.

LESTRADE
What?

SHERLOCK
Murder. Let’s play murder.

TOM
(Mutters to Molly)
He’s pissed, isn’t he?

MOLLY
No, he’s often this weird.

SHERLOCK
Imagine someone’s going to get
murdered at a wedding. Who exactly
would you pick?

MRS. HUDSON
(Mutters)
Charming.

LESTRADE
(Mutters)
I know who’d be top of my list.

SHERLOCK
You wouldn’t kill me ‘cause you
could find me any time. Just knock
on the door of Baker Street. Boom.
Single shot to the head. The Bride
and Groom could be killed in any
number of ways. Quick dose of
poison on the honeymoon. Hijack
room service.

TOM
What’s he on about?

SHERLOCK
(Points)
That man’s a golfer. You could just
put a sniper on the green - take
him out.
(Points)
She flew from Alicante. Bomb on the
plane.

MRS. HUDSON
(Appalled)
Well, honestly.
 76.

SHERLOCK
If someone here was about to get
killed - who would it be? And why
choose this particular moment? Any
ideas?

He stares out over the sea of eighty faces -

And now each one has a label above their heads that says the
word: ‘TARGET’.

‘TARGET’

‘TARGET’

‘TARGET’

‘TARGET’

As he scans the room the texts disappear with a little ‘pop’.

As each person is rejected from the list - each person who

would be easily accessible to a murderer at another time -
their text vanishes: ‘Pop’.

Until finally only one person remains.

One label that says ‘TARGET’.

And it hovers above the head of JAMES SHOLTO.

SHOLTO
What are you looking at?

And SHERLOCK’S eyes go wide as he realises...

67 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 67

FLASHBACK - earlier that day...

SHOLTO with MARY and SHERLOCK.

SHERLOCK
I don’t get out much. My place is
quite secluded - in the country.
Miles away.

68 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 68

FLASHBACK - a moment later than that...

SHOLTO with MARY and SHERLOCK.

MARY
James is practically a recluse
these days.
 77.

69 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT. DAY 69

SHERLOCK and MARY - wedding preparations.

MARY
Table twelve?

SHERLOCK
(Reading the name,
uncertain)
James Sholto. Who?

MARY
John’s army chap.

SHERLOCK
With a coterie of single women.

MARY
John says he’s rather awkward
around men.

70 INT. PUB. NIGHT 70

JOHN and SHERLOCK at the stag do.

JOHN
He lead the raid on Tashkurghan.

JUMP CUT TO:

JOHN (CONT’D)
Made some enemies. His life has
been threatened.

71 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 71

SHERLOCK’S speech -

An embarrassed hush. Everyone staring at SHOLTO now.

SHOLTO
What the hell is this about?

SHERLOCK
You. You’re the victim in this
game. You employ staff at your
private residence?

- and suddenly we are whisked to -

72 INT. JOHN AND MARY’S FLAT. NIGHT 72

FLASHBACK -
 78.

The Facebook investigation, the night before the wedding.

SHERLOCK writes -

‘Job?’

They reply -

‘Nurse’

‘Freelance gardener’

‘Cook’

‘I do security work’

73 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 73

SHERLOCK’S speech -

SHOLTO
Yes. What of it?

SHERLOCK
Women.

SHOLTO
I prefer female staff. Yes.

SHERLOCK
And you’re a recluse. But it’s not
people that bother you, is it? It’s
men.

Indeed - he is surrounded by a table of women.

SHOLTO
Look, here....

SHERLOCK
You don’t like to be around men.
Specifically men of army enlistment
age. Men who might have fought
alongside you. You’ve built
yourself a cocoon. Makes murder
potentially rather difficult.

SHOLTO
This isn’t funny.

SHERLOCK
Every man who comes near you - you
have to know everything about him.
You’ve learned his life history by
rote...
 79.

74 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 74

FLASHBACK -

Hours before. The first moment when SHERLOCK and SHOLTO met.

SHOLTO
(Points straight at
Sherlock)
One elder brother, violinist - but
not concert standard, live alone
but not much of a social life, ex-
smoker, work is everything.

75 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 75

SHERLOCK facing SHOLTO.

SHERLOCK
If a man were to get within an inch
of you you’d swot up on him. Makes
life very hard for an assassin.
He’d need a cloak - a disguise to
get near you. Maybe shroud himself
in someone else’s identity..

JOHN
(Finishes the thought)
A dead man.

FLASHBACK -

SHERLOCK taps the keys of the computer.

‘Where did you meet your ghost-boyfriend?’

They reply -

‘Came up to me in a pub’

‘Same gym as me’

‘Just started chatting on the bus’

‘He was doing a delivery at work’

Back to the Reception -

SHERLOCK
Your employees are the people
closest to you. The people who
would know your movements day to
day. They would know that you were
coming here, for example. Do they
have to sign a confidentiality
agreement? Swear to never give you
away.
 80.

FLASHBACK -

JOHN takes his turn at the laptop last night, types -

‘Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?’

Beat.

And then they reply -

‘No’

‘No’

‘No’

‘No’

Back to the wedding -

SHOLTO
Is this your idea of entertainment?

SHERLOCK
The question is - how, not why? How
would anyone accomplish it?
Suggestions please. How to bump off
the Major.

SHOLTO
Somebody stop him. He’s deranged.

JOHN
(Whispers)
Sherlock. The uniform.
SHERLOCK
What?

JOHN
The stolen uniform. Bainbridge.

TIGHT IN on SHERLOCK’S face - eyes wide. That’s it!!

76 INT. ARMOURY. DAY 76

BAINBRIDGE in the armory, wearing his dress uniform.

Unbuttoning his tunic as he comes off parade.

CUT TO:

Moments later his body is slumped over in the armoury and he

is bleeding profusely from a gash in his stomach.
 81.

77 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 77

SHERLOCK’S speech -

JOHN
(Whispers)
That Grenadier. The killer took his
uniform away again and again. It
must have been to practice the
killing. These two cases were
linked all along, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK
Yes.
(To Sholto)
Something about your uniform is
they key to this, Major. Killing a
man in military uniform in a public
place. How would you accomplish it?

Silence. Looks around the sea of faces.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
An invisible blade stabbed
Bainbridge. Same expertise would
work right here. So... How did he
manage it?

Silence. Noone has any clues.

TOM
You want us all to call out ideas

SHERLOCK
Depends how intelligent you are.
TOM
I’m a degree chemist.

SHERLOCK
Promising.

TOM
What about a small incendiary
device? Could have been planted in
the lower intestine.

SHERLOCK
Not intelligent enough. Stop
talking.

SHERLOCK is getting into his stride now, pacing around -

leading the discussion.

Pulls off his jacket and slings it over a chair.

And that’s when JOHN realises. He grips SHERLOCK by the arm.

 82.

JOHN
Bainbridge took it off.

MARY
What?

JOHN
His tunic. Instinctive reaction. As
he was coming off parade. All the
time he was wearing it in the
sentry box he was alive and well.
As soon as he took it off he bled.

SHERLOCK looks directly at SHOLTO -

FLASHBACK to the image of BAINBRIDGE in the sentry box.

Two different regiments.

Two different uniforms.

Is there anything about the two uniforms that’s at all

similar.

Yes...

The belt.

The uniforms are wildly different except... Both uniforms

have the same shaped military-style belt.

SHERLOCK
Sam Browne.

MARY
Who?
JOHN
The belt. It’s an army belt. Goes
across the chest. Just like the
Major is wearing.

Points - SHOLTO is indeed wearing a Sam Browne.

FLASHBACK - again, BAINBRIDGE in uniform in the sentry box.

His tunic is also covered by a Sam Browne.

SHERLOCK
Worn high up on the waist.

JOHN
The exact location of the wound.

SHERLOCK
If one could push a tiny blade
through the hole...
 83.

JOHN
So thin you wouldn’t feel it going
in...

SHERLOCK
The belt would bind the flesh
together, when it was tied tight.

JOHN
Yes.

SHERLOCK
So, only when you took removed
it...

JOHN
The wound would start to bleed as
soon as the uniform came off.
Sherlock - Bainbridge was just a
guinea pig. A man discarding his
uniform all over town. Anyone could
borrow it for an hour or two -
experiment.

SHERLOCK
A perfect mechanism for killing by
remote control. The killer could be
miles away.

JOHN
Bainbridge was stabbed before he
ever went on duty that day.

They turn to SHOLTO.

SHERLOCK
This isn’t a game. Someone is truly
trying to kill you.

SHOLTO
What?

Gasps around the room.

SHERLOCK
They might have already
accomplished it. You might be dead
and not know it.

All eyes on SHOLTO. He is suddenly white with panic.

SHOLTO
Accomplished it, how?
 84.

SHERLOCK
The killer could have just brushed
past you and stuck you with the
blade - an incredibly fine piece of
steel. As soon as you take that
thing off the muscles will relax
and the wound will start to spill.

SHOLTO in a desperate state. Jumps to his feet.

SHOLTO
What am I going to do?

SHERLOCK
Well... die, obviously.

SHOLTO
There’s got to be a way out of
this.

SHERLOCK
Yes. Never take your clothes off
again.
(To Lestrade)
Find a guest at the hotel. A single
man who isn’t part of this
reception. Staying for just one
night.

LESTRADE leaps to his feet and scuttles out of the room...

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
And get me the catering manager.

JUMP CUT TO:

78 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 78

The WAITERS and WAITRESSES are all lined up in front of a

silent Reception.

The CATERING MANAGER is inspecting them as though it is a

military parade.

CATERING MANAGER
Employed them all personally, Mr.
Holmes.

SHERLOCK
Any new faces?

CATERING MANAGER
They’ve all worked here for at
least a year.
 85.

JOHN
Before we even chose the venue. No
use.

CATERING MANAGER
Is there a problem?

MARY
We thought maybe one was an
assassin.

CATERING MANAGER
What??

SHERLOCK
They’re not, so off you trot and
stop panicking. Cake soon.

He goes in a state of bewilderment.

The WAITING STAFF all go back to their routines.

JOHN
I know all these guests, Sherlock.
I swear to you none of them is an
imposter.

LESTRADE comes scuttling back into the room.

LESTRADE
No other guests staying.

JOHN
It could be a mistake. We could be
wrong about this whole thing.
Beat.

SHERLOCK
Only one way to be certain.
(To Sholto)
Take off the uniform

Silence.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
John is here. He’s a skilled
Doctor. He saved Lieutenant
Bainbridge’s life. Take off the
uniform, Major. Let’s see the marks
of the assassin.

Pause. And then, cautiously, SHOLTO begins stripping off.

MOLLY
(Mutters)
Well, this is a boon.
 86.

MRS. HUDSON
Can you see from there?

MOLLY
Fine.

Slowly, methodically SHOLTO takes off his Sam Browne.

JOHN on hand in case SHOLTO is already wounded - ready to

step in and save him.

Button by button he undoes his tunic, down to his vest -

white cotton, standard military issue.

They all just stare.

No blood stains.

SHOLTO
(To Sherlock)
You imbecile. This was all just a
fantasy. Some sort of elaborate
prank.

JOHN
Oh thank God.

SHERLOCK
I’m sorry, John. I truly thought...

JOHN
So did I, Sherlock. So did I.

MARY
We all did.
And everyone at the Reception relaxes. False alarm.

79 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 79

The speeches are over. Everyone is gossiping wildly about the

events of the day. A big noisy hubbub.

The cake is wheeled in front of MARY and JOHN. Big round of

applause.

JOHN
Courtesy of Mrs. Hudson.

JOHN and MARY take the knife in both their hands.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Here we go.

The PHOTOGRAPHER scuttles up and takes his place in front of

them to get the best possible shot.
 87.

Click.

PHOTOGRAPHER
And another. Big smiles.

Click.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
And just one shot we didn’t get. A
group shot of everyone. Can I have
everyone up?

80 INT. RECEPTION. DAY 80

Everybody jumping up from their places and lining up at the

far end of the Reception room in a big messy huddle.

A group shot of the whole Reception.

PHOTOGRAPHER
OK. I’ll just move you all around a
bit.

The PHOTOGRAPHER steps up and starts manhandling everyone

into their various positions.

Pushing people here and there like they were so much putty.
Grabbing shoulder and pulling arms - gently coaxing everyone
into place.

SHERLOCK watching him. Something about the PHOTOGRAPHER’S

behaviour captivates him...

We never ever see the PHOTOGRAPHER’S face as he is moving

around the room.
Just a glimpse of an arm or a jawbone. Always just out of our
line of vision.

MARY beside SHERLOCK in the big group photo.

SHERLOCK
Sorry about earlier.

MARY
It’s fine. Weddings all tend to
blend into one another. At least
this one will stick in the memory.

SHERLOCK
For a murder that didn’t actually
take place.

MARY
Yes.
 88.

SHERLOCK still watching the PHOTOGRAPHER like a hawk. What is

concerning him?

SHERLOCK
(Mutters to himself)
Total access.

MARY
What?

Still he stares.

MARY (CONT’D)
Sherlock, what’s wrong?

SHERLOCK
He’s invisible, but not.

MARY
What?

SHERLOCK
Can walk up to anyone and manhandle
them.

Watching the PHOTOGRAPHER grabbing arms and shoulders and

swapping people around -

MARY
You’ve spotted something. What is
it?

SHERLOCK
(Still half to himself)
You never stare into his face. You
don’t see him. You only ever see
the camera.

The PHOTOGRAPHER getting very close to SHOLTO now -

Reaching out his hand to move him to a different place.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
He’s been here all day - we’ve
never questioned. At the altar, for
the signing. Just fades into the
background.

MARY
Who?

SHERLOCK
If you wanted total access... If
you wanted to be able to move
around the room...
 89.

Does SHERLOCK see a flash of something bright and metallic?

The PHOTOGRAPHER moves behind SHOLTO and stretches out his
hand to manhandle him to a different place.

SHERLOCK suddenly lurches forward, grabs the PHOTOGRAPHER and

punches him in the stomach.

The guy collapses on the floor -

Everybody gasps in shock.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
Sorry. Can’t bear being manhandled.

JOHN
He was doing his job! For God’s
sake.

SHERLOCK
You’re right.
(To the Photographer)
Here. Let me help you up.

Reaches out a helping hand.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Get off me!

SHERLOCK
Lestrade, will you give him a hand?

LESTRADE scuttles over and helps the poor battered

PHOTOGRAPHER up from the floor.

LESTRADE
Does he need a paramedic?
SHERLOCK
You take charge of him.

LESTRADE
I’m not the guy you want.

SHERLOCK
(Stares straight at him)
No. Actually you are. Take him.

Beat.

LESTRADE staring at SHERLOCK. And he knows.

LESTRADE drags the poor concussed PHOTOGRAPHER away. Has his

arm around him - but it’s not a benevolent gesture.

Most of the GUESTS are none the wiser.

But MARY looks at SHERLOCK - and she understands. The

assassin came within a whisker of succeeding.
 90.

SHERLOCK picks up the camera from the floor.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
OK, everybody. Smile now.

Click.

He takes the group shot.

81 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION. NIGHT 81

The evening do.

JUMP CUT through the preparations -

WAITERS pulling back the tables, stacking chairs;

BAR STAFF pull up the shutters on the bar, ready to serve;

Band setting up equipment for the entertainment that will

follow.

CUT TO:

Lights out.

JOHN and MARY - first dance. Surrounded by a circle of their

friends, smiling and taking photos.

Dancing to ‘My heart will go on’ from Titanic - instrumental

version.

Pan up to the stage.

The solo violinist playing the tune for them is SHERLOCK.

82 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION. NIGHT 82

Music plays - something upbeat and lively.

JOHN comes off the dance floor and collapses in a sweaty

heap. Next to where MARY is sitting.

JOHN
Mrs. Watson.

MARY
Mr. Watson.

The kiss.

And -

There is a bing bing bing on a wine glass.

Everyone turns.
 91.

SHERLOCK steps up to the microphone, raises his hands for

silence.

SHERLOCK
Ladies and gentlemen. I failed
spectacularly today. I never did
the thing I was appointed to do.
So. Apologies for getting
distracted earlier... Please raise
your glasses in a toast.

Mutters of approval - everyone reaches for their glass -

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
To the adorable -

Once again he stops with everyone’s glasses raised.

Another long pause.

Absurdly long.

JOHN
Oh blimey, here we go again.

MARY
Sherlock? What’s the matter now?

Pause.

SHERLOCK
I’ve been wondering about a
present. Haven’t been able to think
what to get you.

MARY
You don’t really have to decide
this at the moment.

A little embarrassed laughter. But SHERLOCK isn’t smiling -

he’s serious.

SHERLOCK
I can give you one thing. A pledge.
My pledge.

JOHN
What?

SHERLOCK
I want to make this promise now, in
front of everyone. Come up here,
would you?

JOHN takes MARY by the hand and leads her up on to the stage.

The three of them side by side.

 92.

SHERLOCK (CONT’D)
I will always be a devoted friend.
I’ll never let anything happen to
the three of you.

A big collective ‘Aah’.

But it stops short, as everyone realises what SHERLOCK has

just said to them all.

Pause.

JOHN
Three?

SHERLOCK
(Caught out)
Yes.

JOHN
Three?

SHERLOCK
(To Mary)
He doesn’t know.

MARY
Know what?

SHERLOCK
And nor do you. OK. Probably
shouldn’t have said it into the
mic.

MARY
What are you on about?
SHERLOCK
Obvious. If you know the sign.

JOHN
Can you speak in sentences just
once? What do you mean ‘sign’? Sign
of what?

SHERLOCK
The sign of three, John. The sign
of three.

JOHN
Three what?

SHERLOCK
Three Watsons. Mary’s pregnant.

Pause.
 93.

JOHN
You’ve got to be kidding.

Pause.

JOHN (CONT’D)
I...

Pause.

JOHN (CONT’D)
You’ve got to be kidding.

SHERLOCK
Sorry. Breaking the news like this.
I just assumed you already knew.
Not great timing.

MARY
(Totally taken aback)
Well. Wonderful. I mean -
wonderful.

JOHN
(Equally taken aback)
Yes.

MARY
Isn’t it?

JOHN
Yes. It is. It’s wonderful.
Absolutely.

And then the feeling of elation floods over them.

A festival of hugging.

JOHN hugs MARY. MARY hugs SHERLOCK. JOHN hugs SHERLOCK. The
three of them hug together. Total love fest.

And then they cry.

And everyone cheers.

And suddenly it’s the most magnificent present they could

ever have, and it’s as though SHERLOCK gave it to them.

SHERLOCK
OK, so now I’d like to toast to the
three of you. I know you’ll be very
fine parents.
(Off the mic)
You’ve had enough practice looking
after me.
 94.

JOHN
(Off the mic, laughing)
Hey - don’t get jealous. I know
kids can get put out - when a baby
comes.

Laughter.

SHERLOCK
I’ll do my best, John. I’ll do my
best.

Out on SHERLOCK.

Everyone around him is laughing and hugging, but his smile is

a little sad.

END OF EPISODE