What is cyberbullying, exactly?

"Cyberbullying" is when a child, preteen or teen is tormented, threatened, harassed,

humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise targeted by another child, preteen or teen using
the Internet, interactive and digital technologies or mobile phones. It has to have a
minor on both sides, or at least have been instigated by a minor against another minor.
Once adults become involved, it is plain and simple cyber-harassment or cyberstalking.
Adult cyber-harassment or cyberstalking is NEVER called cyberbullying.

It isn't when adult are trying to lure children into offline meetings, that is called sexual
exploitation or luring by a sexual predator. But sometimes when a minor starts a
cyberbullying campaign it involves sexual predators who are intrigued by the sexual
harassment or even ads posted by the cyberbullying offering up the victim for sex.

The methods used are limited only by the child's imagination and access to technology.
And the cyberbully one moment may become the victim the next. The kids often change
roles, going from victim to bully and back again.

Children have killed each other and committed suicide after having been involved in a
cyberbullying incident.

Cyberbullying is usually not a one time communication, unless it involves a death threat
or a credible threat of serious bodily harm. Kids usually know it when they see it, while
parents may be more worried about the lewd language used by the kids than the hurtful
effect of rude and embarrassing posts.

Cyberbullying may rise to the level of a misdemeanor cyberharassment charge, or if the

child is young enough may result in the charge of juvenile delinquency. Most of the
time the cyberbullying does not go that far, although parents often try and pursue
criminal charges. It typically can result in a child losing their ISP or IM accounts as a
terms of service violation. And in some cases, if hacking or password and identity theft
is involved, can be a serious criminal matter under state and federal law.

When schools try and get involved by disciplining the student for cyberbullying actions
that took place off-campus and outside of school hours, they are often sued for
exceeding their authority and violating the student's free speech right. They also, often
lose. Schools can be very effective brokers in working with the parents to stop and
remedy cyberbullying situations. They can also educate the students on cyberethics and
the law. If schools are creative, they can sometimes avoid the claim that their actions
exceeded their legal authority for off-campus cyberbullying actions. We recommend
that a provision is added to the school's acceptable use policy reserving the right to
discipline the student for actions taken off-campus if they are intended to have an effect
on a student or they adversely affect the safety and well-being of student while in
school. This makes it a contractual, not a constitutional, issue.

How cyberbullying works

There are two kinds of cyberbullying, direct attacks (messages sent to your kids
directly) and cyberbullying by proxy (using others to help cyberbully the victim, either
with or without the accomplice's knowledge). Because cyberbullying by proxy often
gets adults involved in the harassment, it is much more dangerous.

Direct Attacks

1. Instant Messaging/Text Messaging Harassment [Learn More...]

2. Stealing Passwords [Learn More...]
3. Blogs [Learn More...]
4. Web Sites [Learn More...]
5. Sending Pictures through E-mail and Cell Phones [Learn More...]
6. Internet Polling [Learn More...]
7. Interactive Gaming [Learn More...]
8. Sending Malicious Code [Learn More...]
9. Sending Porn and Other Junk E-Mail and IMs [Learn More...]
10. Impersonation [Learn More...]

1. Instant Messaging/Text Messaging Harassment

a) Kids may send hateful or threatening messages to other kids, without realizing that
while not said in real life, unkind or threatening messages are hurtful and very serious.

b) Warning wars - Many Internet Service Providers offer a way of "telling on" a user
who is saying inappropriate things. Kids often engage in "warning wars" which can lead
to kicking someone offline for a period of time. While this should be a security tool,
kids sometimes use the Warn button as a game or prank.

c) A kid/teen may create a screen name that is very similar to another kid's name. The
name may have an additional "i" or one less "e". They may use this name to say
inappropriate things to other users while posing as the other person.

d) Text wars or text attacks are when kids gang up on the victim, sending thousands of
text-messages to the victim's cell phone or other mobile device. The victim is then faced
with a huge cell phone bill and angry parents.

e) Kids send death threats using IM and text-messaging as well as photos/videos. (see
below)

2. Stealing passwords
a) A kid may steal another child's password and begin to chat with other people,
pretending to be the other kid. He/she may say mean things that offend and anger this
person's friends or even strangers. Meanwhile, they won't know it is not really that
person they are talking to.

b) A kid may also use another kid's password to change his/her profile to include sexual,
racist, and inappropriate things that may attract unwanted attention or offend people.

c) A kid often steals the password and locks the victim out of their own account.

d) Once the password is stolen, hackers may use it to hack into the victim's computer.
3. Blogs
Blogs are online journals. They are a fun way for kids and teens to send messages for all
of their friends to see. However, kids sometimes use these blogs to damage other kids'
reputations or invade their privacy. For example, in one case, a boy posted a bunch of
blogs about his breakup with his ex-girlfriend, explaining how she destroyed his life,
calling her degrading names. Their mutual friends read about this and criticized her. She
was embarrassed and hurt, all because another kid posted mean, private, and false
information about her. Sometimes kids set up a blog or profile page pretending to be
their victim and saying things designed to humiliate them.

4. Web sites
a) Children used to tease each other in the playground; now they do it on Web sites.
Kids sometimes create Web sites that may insult or endanger another child. They create
pages specifically designed to insult another kid or group of people.

b) Kids also post other kids' personal information and pictures, which put those people
at a greater risk of being contacted or found.

5. Sending Pictures through E-mail and Cell Phones

a) There have been cases of teens sending mass e-mails to other users, that include nude
or degrading pictures of other teens. Once an e-mail like this is sent, it is passed around
to hundreds of other people within hours; there is no way of controlling where it goes.

b) Many of the newer cell phones allow kids to send pictures to each other. The kids
receive the pictures directly on their phones, and may send it to everyone in their
address books. After viewing the picture at a Web site, some kids have actually posted
these often pornographic pictures on Kazaa and other programs for anyone to download.

c) Kids often take a picture of someone in a locker room, bathroom or dressing room
and post it online or send it to others on cell phones.

6. Internet Polling
Who's Hot? Who's Not? Who is the biggest slut in the sixth grade? These types of
questions run rampant on the Internet polls, all created by yours truly - kids and teens.
Such questions are often very offensive to others and are yet another way that kids can
"bully" other kids online.

7. Interactive Gaming
Many kids today are playing interactive games on gaming devices such as X-Box Live
and Sony Play Station 2 Network. These gaming devices allow your child to
communicate by chat and live Internet phone with anyone they find themselves matched
with in a game online. Sometimes the kids verbally abuse the other kids, using threats
and lewd language. Sometimes they take it further, by locking them out of games,
passing false rumors about them or hacking into their accounts.

8. Sending Malicious Code

Many kids will send viruses, spyware and hacking programs to their victims. They do
this to either destroy their computers or spy on their victim. Trojan Horse programs
allow the cyberbully to control their victim's computer remote control, and can be used
to erase the hard drive of the victim.

9. Sending Porn and Other Junk E-Mail and IMs

Often cyberbullies will sign their victims up for e-mailing and IM marketing lists, lots
of them, especially to porn sites. When the victim receives thousands of e-mails from
pornographers their parents usually get involved, either blaming them (assuming they
have been visiting porn sites) or making them change their e-mail or IM address.

10. Impersonation
Posing as the victim, the cyberbully can do considerable damage . They may post a
provocative message in a hate group's chatroom posing as the victim, inviting an attack
against the victim, often giving the name, address and telephone number of the victim to
make the hate group's job easier. They often also send a message to someone posing as
the victim, saying hateful or threatening things while masquerading as the victim. They
may also alter a message really from the victim, making it appear that they have said
nasty things or shared secrets with others.

Cyberbullying by proxy

Cyberbullying by proxy is when a cyberbully gets someone else to do their dirty work.
Most of the time they are unwitting accomplices and don't know that they are being
used by the cyberbully. Cyberbullying by proxy is the most dangerous kind of
cyberbullying because it often gets adults involved in the harassment and people who
don't know they are dealing with a kid or someone they know.

"Warning" or "Notify Wars" are an example of cyberbullying by proxy. Kids click on

the warning or notify buttons on their IM screen or e-mail or chat screens, and alert the
ISP or service provider that the victim has done something that violates their rules. If
the victim receives enough warnings or notifications, they can lose their account. The
service providers are aware of this abuse, and often check and see if the warning were
justified. But all the cyberbully has to do is make the victim angry enough to say
something rude or hateful back. Then, BINGO! they warn them, making it look like the
victim had started it. In this case, the ISP or service provider is the innocent accomplice
of the cyberbully.
Sometimes the victim's own parents are too. If the cyberbully can make it look like the
victim is doing something wrong, and the parents are notified, the parents will punish
the victim. Alyssa, one of our Teenangels, had this happen to her. To learn more about
her cyberbullying problem, read Alyssa's story.

Cyberbullying by proxy sometimes starts with the cyberbully posing as the victim. They
may have hacked into their account or stolen their password. They may have set up a
new account pretending to be the victim. But however they do it, they are pretending to
be the victim and trying to create problems for the victim with the help of others.

The most typical way a cyberbullying by proxy attack occurs is when the cyberbully
gets control of the victim's account and sends out hateful or rude messages to everyone
on their buddy list pretending to be the victim. They may also change the victim's
password so they can't get into their own account. The victim's friends get angry with
the victim, thinking they had sent the messages without knowing they have been used
by the cyberbully. But it's not always this minor. Sometimes the cyberbully tries to get
more people involved.

For example...Mary wants to get Jennifer back for not inviting her to her party. She goes
online and, posing as Jennifer, posts "I hate Brittany, she is so stupid, ugly and fat!" on
buddyprofile.com. Mary may tell Brittany and her friends that she read the post on
buddyprofile.com and blames Jennifer for being mean. Brittany and her friends now
start attacking Jennifer, and may report her to buddyprofile.com or her school. They are
doing Mary's dirty work for her. Mary looks like the "good guy" and Jennifer may be
punished by her parents, lose her account with buddyprofile.com and get into trouble at
school. And Brittany and her friends may start to cyberbully Jennifer too.

Sometimes it is much more serious than that. When cyberbullies want to get others to
do their dirty work quickly, they often post information about, or pose as, their victim in
hate group chat rooms and on their discussion boards. Cyberbullies have even posted
this information in child molester chat rooms and discussion boards, advertising their
victim for sex. They then sit back and wait for the members of that hate group or child
molester group to attack or contact the victim online and, sometimes, offline.

For this to work, the cyberbully needs to post offline or online contact information
about the victim. Real information, not the account they used to impersonate the victim
(if they are posing as the victim to provoke an attack). For example...Jack is angry that
Blake was chosen as captain of the junior varsity basketball team. Blake is black. Jack
finds a white supremist group online and posts in their chat room that Blake said nasty
things about whites and their group in particular. He then posts Blake's cell phone
number and screen name. People from the group start calling and IMing Blake with
threats and hateful messages. Jack has no idea how much danger he has placed Blake in,
and Blake doesn't know why he in under attack. In cases of cyberbullying by proxy,
when hate or child molester groups are involved, the victim is in danger of physical
harm and law enforcement must be contacted immediately.

Can you think of examples of cyberbullying by proxy? Share them with us and other
kids, preteens and teens here at the site. We'll never use your name or personally
identifying information, share it with others or bother you. Read our privacy policy to
know how we use your information. You should always read a privacy policy before
submitting anything to anywhere online.

Why do kids cyberbully each other?

Who knows why kids do anything? When it comes to cyberbullying, they are often
motivated by anger, revenge or frustration. Sometimes they do it for entertainment or
because they are bored and have too much time on their hands and too many tech toys
available to them. Many do it for laughs or to get a reaction. Some do it by accident, and
either send a message to the wrong recipient or didn't think before they did something.
The Power-hungry do it to torment others and for their ego. Revenge of the nerd may
start out defending themselves from traditional bullying only to find that they enjoy
being the tough guy or gal. Mean girls do it to help bolster or remind people of their
own social standing. And some think they are righting wrong and standing up for
others.

Because their motives differ, the solutions and responses to each type of cyberbullying
incident has to differ too. Unfortunately, there is no "one size fits all" when
cyberbullying is concerned. Only two of the types of cyberbullies have something in
common with the traditional schoolyard bully. Experts who understand schoolyard
bullying often misunderstand cyberbullying, thinking it is just another method of
bullying. But the motives and the nature of cybercommunications, as well as the
demographic and profile of a cyberbully differ from their offline counterpart.

Preventing cyberbullying

Educating the kids about the consequences (losing their ISP or IM accounts) helps.
Teaching them to respect others and to take a stand against bullying of all kinds helps
too.

How can you stop it once it starts?

Because their motives differ, the solutions and responses to each type of cyberbullying
incident has to differ too. Unfortunately, there is no "one size fits all" when
cyberbullying is concerned. Only two of the types of cyberbullies have something in
common with the traditional schoolyard bully. Experts who understand schoolyard
bullying often misunderstand cyberbullying, thinking it is just another method of
bullying. But the motives and the nature of cybercommunications, as well as the
demographic and profile of a cyberbully differ from their offline counterpart.

What is the school's role in this? 

When schools try and get involved by disciplining the student for cyberbullying actions
that took place off-campus and outside of school hours, they are often sued for
exceeding their authority and violating the student's free speech right.

What is the school's role in this?

When schools try and get involved by disciplining the student for cyberbullying actions
that took place off-campus and outside of school hours, they are often sued for
exceeding their authority and violating the student's free speech right. They also, often
lose. Schools can be very effective brokers in working with the parents to stop and
remedy cyberbullying situations. They can also educate the students on cyberethics and
the law. If schools are creative, they can sometimes avoid the claim that their actions
exceeded their legal authority for off-campus cyberbullying actions. We recommend
that a provision is added to the school's acceptable use policy reserving the right to
discipline the student for actions taken off-campus if they are intended to have an effect
on a student or they adversely affect the safety and well-being of student while in
school. This makes it a contractual, not a constitutional, issue.

What's the parents' role in this?

Parents need to be the one trusted place kids can go when things go wrong online and
offline. Yet they often are the one place kids avoid when things go wrong online

What's the Parents' Role in This?

Parents need to be the one trusted place kids can go when things go wrong online and
offline. Yet they often are the one place kids avoid when things go wrong online. Why?
Parents tend to overreact. Most children will avoid telling their parents about a
cyberbullying incident fearing they will only make things worse. (Calling the other
parents, the school, blaming the victim or taking away Internet privileges.)
Unfortunately, they also sometimes underreact, and rarely get it "just right." (You can
read more about this in "Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold! Goldilocks and the
CyberParents")

Parents need to be supportive of your child during this time. You may be tempted to
give the "stick and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you" lecture,
but words and cyberattacks can wound a child easily and have a lasting effect. These
attacks follow them into your otherwise safe home and wherever they go online. And
when up to 700 million accomplices can be recruited to help target or humiliate your
child, the risk of emotional pain is very real, and very serious. Don't brush it off.

Let the school know so the guidance counselor can keep an eye out for in-school
bullying and for how your child is handling things. You may want to notify your
pediatrician,  family counselor or clergy for support if things progress. It is crucial that
you are there to provide the necessary support and love. Make them feel secure.
Children have committed suicide after having been cyberbullied, and in Japan one
young girl killed another after a cyberbullying incident. Take it seriously.

Parents also need to understand that a child is just as likely to be a cyberbully as a

victim of cyberbullying and often go back and forth between the two roles during one
incident. They may not even realize that they are seen as a cyberbully. (You can learn
more about this under the "Inadvertent Cyberbully" profile of a cyberbully.)

We have a quick guide to what to do if your child is being cyberbullied: Your actions
have to escalate as the threat and hurt to your child does. But there are two things you
must consider before anything else. Is your child at risk of physical harm or assault?
And how are they handling the attacks emotionally?  

If there is any indication that personal contact information has been posted online, or
any threats are made to your child, you must run.do not walk, to your local law
enforcement agency (not the FBI). Take a print-out of all instances of cyberbullying to
show them, but note that a print-out is not sufficient to prove a case of cyber-harassment
or cyberbullying. You'll need electronic evidence and live data for that. (You may want
to answer the questions on our checklist for helping spot the difference between
annoying communications and potentially dangerous ones. But remember, if in doubt,
report it.)

Let the law enforcement agency know that the trained cyber-harassment volunteers at
WiredSafety.org will work with them (without charge) to help them find the cyberbully
offline and to evaluate the case. It is crucial that all electronic evidence is preserved to
allow the person to be traced and to take whatever action needs to be taken. The
electronic evidence is at risk for being deleted by the Internet service providers unless
you reach out and notify them that you need those records preserved. The police or
volunteers at WiredSafety.org can advise you how to do that quickly. Using a
monitoring product, like Spectorsoft, collects all electronic data necessary to report,
investigate and prosecute your case (if necessary). While hopefully you will never need
it, the evidence is automatically saved by the software in a form useable by law
enforcement when you need it without you having to learn to log or copy header and IP
information.

top, block and tell

If you are targeted by a cyberbully:

 STOP!
Don't do anything. Take 5! to calm down.
 Block!
Block the cyberbully or limit all communications to those on your buddy list.
 and Tell!
Tell a trusted adult, you don't have to face this alone.

what is it? :: how it works :: why cyberbully? :: prevention :: take action :: what's the
law?

In this section:
Keep personal information private :: Stop, block and tell! :: Google Yourself :: Take
5! :: Don’t be an accomplice :: Practice the Internet Golden Rule

Google yourself!

No, we haven’t changed our policy on using inappropriate language. Google is the
search engine and information gathering phenomenon that collects bits and pieces of
information available online. Our kids have dubbed searching for yourself or others you
have met, or want to meet, online as “Googling” someone.

As more and more of us are using the Internet to communicate and share our ideas,
more and more of our personal information is posted online. Perhaps it’s a profile you
put up years ago that still exists. Maybe you signed up for a free messaging service
online and didn’t check the privacy box when the registration application was
completed. On a bad day, you may have criticized your boss or your spouse or
significant other. Had you checked Web sites for mortgage information or looked for a
new home? Did you register at a Web site or post in a public forum? Have your kids?
What are they sharing online with Web sites and in public with strangers? It’s time you
found out for sure.

The ramifications of having your personal information posted online can be very
serious. Just think about it. Is your telephone number listed in the United States and
have you ever given it out online? If so, anyone who wants to can find out where you
live and get a map to your front door. This holds true for your children as well. Even
though laws exist in the United States to prevent Web sites from knowingly collecting
information from our preteens, they have learned how to get around the law by saying
they are thirteen or fourteen, or twenty-seven. Who knows what they have given away
online? As parents, we better know! And with identity theft growing by the minute, we
need to guard our personal information carefully, online and off. Finally, at least one
person was killed by a stalker who broadcast his intentions online, in advance of the
murder. Had someone sought out her personal information postings online and known
about the threat, her life might have been saved.

Okay, now you are convinced. You are ready to "Google" yourself and your family
members (and perhaps your boyfriend or girlfriend or boss, and that neighbor you aren’t
crazy about ). What do you do?

First you go to Google at http://www.google.com/. Type in your full name, but in

quotes – like this “Parry Aftab.” Then click Google search. All the references to you, or
someone else with the same name will come up. Search for your e-mail address or IM
screen name as well (making sure to include the full e-mail address, such as
parry@aftab.com , or ParryAftab@aol.com, not just the section before the “@” sign).
Do the same with your nick name, and then your telephone numbers, mobile numbers
and street address, remembering to keep the quotation marks around anything you need
to find in one phrase, exactly as you typed it. Otherwise, the search engine will pick up
every reference to “Parry” and to “Aftab” on the Web. Now Google your kids and their
telephone numbers, e-mail addresses and IM screen names as well. (You may have to
check with them for all their screen names and e-mail addresses.)

Next, you need to search for newsgroup postings about you or your loved ones. You can
do that by clicking on “groups” above the search screen on Google. Newsgroups are
part of the Internet, but separate from the Web. They are much older than the Web-
friendly clickable content and where more aggressive and heated communications are
often posted. (Note that getting anything removed from a newsgroup, is almost
impossible unless there is a direct threat to your safety, or a child is involved. Even
then, it is very difficult.)

Repeat the search, with your name in quotes, for images as well. This shows all images
which are associated with your name online. The search selections of “news” and
“directories” may not apply to people who are not public figures at some level. But it
never hurts to search and see if you are mentioned.

If you find that your personal contact information appears when you don’t want it to
appear, you can ask Google to disable the information. You would also need to reach
out to the site or online service and ask for it to be removed from wherever it’s posted.
It sounds a lot easier than it really is, though. Some sites don’t care about what is posted
there, even if their terms of service prohibit certain personal information from being
posted or used to harass someone. But finding a terms of service violation (TOS
violation) is a good place to start. To check out whether the posting is a TOS violation,
review the terms of service for the site or service. Does it prohibit the posting of any
personal information of others without their permission? Does it prohibit posting of any
personal information or inaccurate information? What about prohibiting posting of
information intended to harass or embarrass someone or that might affect their safety or
well-being? Sometimes the terms of service has a catch-all prohibition that can be used
to remove anything the hosting company deems inappropriate. If you approach it from a
safety and privacy perspective, this may be sufficient to convince them to remove the
information. If all else fails, every terms of service has a prohibition against criminal or
illegal activities. Depending on what information is being posted, you may be able to
rely on that provision and a broad claim of “privacy law” violations to get some help.

Often it is difficult finding the right person to contact. You can start with the
webmaster, and can usually find them at webmaster@[the Web site name/URL]. For
example, contacting our webmaster by e-mail would be webmaster@wiredsafety.org .
There may also be a privacy contact at the site, or a DMCA contact (that’s a law that
covers copyright violations and usually has someone watching those e-mails carefully).
Your e-mail should include the URL of the page that includes your personal
information. (The easiest way to do this without typos is to block and copy the URL
from your browser itself into the e-mail.) It should also include the exact information
you want removed, and a statement that you are that person. Copy and paste the
information from the site directly into the e-mail. And address the e-mail to yourself as
well, so you have a record of what you sent, when you sent it and to whom.

If you don’t hear back within a week, send a follow-up and include all of the
information you had previously sent, as well as the date the earlier e-mail had been sent.
If you still haven’t heard back within another week, e-mail privacy@wiredsafety.org .

If your children’s information is posted online, and they are under the age of thirteen,
notify the Web site or online service that your children are under thirteen and that
COPPA (the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act) requires that they remove the
information immediately. If they don’t respond right away, contact
privacy@wiredsafety.org or the FTC directly, at http://www.ftc.gov/. While there is no
law requiring a Web site to generally remove your personal information (absent a
privacy policy at the site that promises to do so, a legal requirement or a TOS violation
discussed above), COPPA is very carefully enforced and the Web site MUST remove
your child’s information. They may require that you prove you are the parent, but
otherwise have no option but to remove the information, immediately.

But what if you have posted information about yourself, or others have done so for you,
and it’s not accurate? You don’t mind that it’s posted, but you do mind that it’s not
correct? That may be easier or harder to have corrected than having it removed entirely.
Try using the same methods we suggested for having information removed, but also
include the correct information in the e-mail. Sometimes it is easier to just have the
information removed entirely, and repost it correctly. For some reason, the two-step
process of both removing the old information and adding the updated and correct
information is more than many Web sites can handle.

If you find a site that is designed to harass you or target you or your children for sexual
solicitations or harassment, you need to get help immediately. Cyberstalkers and
harassers often use the Internet to post sexual want ads for people they want to harm and
frighten, and even the children of those they want to harm. The middle of the night
hang-ups can sometimes be explained when you find a site like this, or a posting in a
newsgroup making outrageous offers on your behalf. Law enforcement should be
involved, if there is any link to real offline contact information. Contact your local law
enforcement agency first. (Law enforcement can get help directly from WiredSafety’s
law enforcement division,

Take 5!

Put down the mouse and step away from the computer…and no one will get hurt!

The Internet and mobile technology are very powerful. But if misused, they can also be
dangerous to yourself and others. Most of the time we make sure that people are old
enough and pass special tests before they drive cars, operate heavy machinery or
otherwise use potentially powerful technology. This is for their safety and the safety of
others.

But the Internet is different. It’s kids who show the adults how to use it. And kids who
learn quickly how to abuse it as well. Unfortunately, the abuses are limited only by their
limitless imaginations and tech skills.

Our kids use the Internet the way we used the phone when we were young. They “talk”
using text-messaging and instant messaging, often at the same time they are chatting on
the phone with the same people. It may be hard for parents to conceive of the ways our
kids use technologies as part of their everyday lives.

I was talking to some middle school students recently, and asked them how they would
feel if they didn’t have the Internet anymore. They told me that the Internet is their
“life!” It’s how the learn, how they communicate, how they socialize and how they
share information.

But the casual nature of the way they use the technology leads to abuse and mistakes.
The typed word doesn’t clarify tone. It doesn’t, without more (like an emoticon :oP or
an acronym like “jk” which is the short form for “just kidding”), convey the kind of
information we obtain when we hear the person’s voice or watch their body-language or
eye-contact. We make judgments based on how the words appear to us. And those
judgments are often wrong. They are often taken out of context and misunderstood.

That results in hurt feelings, anger, frustration and feeling threatened. And when people,
especially kids, act out of anger, frustration or fear things get out-of-hand quickly. Like
drinking and driving, emotions and the Internet should never be mixed. Emotions create
a situation where we click before thinking. We don’t think about how the person on the
other end may misunderstand our message or our intentions. We don’t think at all.
The best way to counter this problem is by teaching our children (and ourselves) to
Take 5! - put down the mouse and step away from the computer. By not reacting and
taking the time to calm down, we can avoid becoming a cyberbullying ourselves. What
can we do for 5 minutes to help us calm down? Kids have suggested: throwing a
baseball or shooting hoops, baking cookies, reading, napping, taking a walk or a run,
watching TV, talking to a friend and hugging a stuffed animal.

Take a stand against cyberbullying

Education can help considerably in preventing and dealing with the consequences of
cyberbullying. The first place to begin an education campaign is with the kids and teens
themselves. We need to address ways they can become inadvertent cyberbullies, how to
be accountable for their actions and not to stand by and allow bullying (in any form) to
be acceptable. We need to teach them not to ignore the pain of others.

Teaching kids to “Take 5!” before responding to something they encounter online is a
good place to start. Jokingly, we tell them to “Drop the Mouse! And step away from the
computer and no one will get hurt!” We then encourage them to find ways to help them
calm down. This may include doing yoga, or deep-breathing. It may include running,
playing catch or shooting hoops. It may involve taking a bath, hugging a stuffed animal
or talking on the phone with friends. Each child can find their own way of finding their
center again. And if they do, they will often not become a cyberbully, even an
inadvertent cyberbully. Teaching them the consequences of their actions, and that the
real “Men in Black” may show up at their front door sometimes helps. Since many
cyberbullying campaigns include some form of hacking or password or identity theft,
serious laws are implicated. Law enforcement, including the FBI, might get involved in
these cases.

But we need to recognize that few cyberbullying campaigns can succeed without the
complacency and the often help of other kids. If we can help kids understand how much
bullying hurts, how in many cases (unlike the children’s chant) words can hurt you,
fewer may cooperate with the cyberbullies. They will think twice before forwarding a
hurtful e-mail, or visiting a cyberbullying “vote for the fat girl” site, or allowing others
to take videos or cell phone pictures of personal moments or compromising poses of
others. Martin Luther King, Jr. once said that in the end we will remember not the
words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. We need to teach our children not
to stand silently by while others are being tormented. While it is crucial that we teach
them not to take matters into their own hands (and perhaps become a "vengeful angel"
cyberbully themselves) they need to come to us. And if we expect them to trust us, we
need to be worthy of that trust. (Read more about this at "Goldilocks and the
cyberbullies...not too hot and not too cold," a guide for parents.)

And, in addition to not lending their efforts to continue the cyberbullying, if given an
anonymous method of reporting cyberbullying Web sites, profiles and campaigns, kids
can help put an end to cyberbullying entirely. School administration, community groups
and even school policing staff can receive these anonymous tips and take action quickly
when necessary to shut down the site, profile or stop the cyberbullying itself.
They can even let others know that they won’t allow cyberbullying, supporting the
victim, making it clear that they won’t be used to torment others and that they care
about the feelings of others is key.

We need to teach our children that silence, when others are being hurt, is not acceptable.
If they don’t allow the cyberbullies to use them to embarrass or torment others,
cyberbullying will quickly stop. It’s a tall task, but a noble goal. And in the end, our
children will be safer online and offline. We will have helped create a generation of
good cybercitizens, controlling the technology instead of being controlled by it.

Preactice the Internet Golden Rule

Ms. Parry’s guide to correct online etiquette (Netiquette)

A Checklist for Cybercommunications:

Before sending that e-mail or posting on that Web site or bulletin board, think before
you click “send.” Re-read what you were going to send. If it meets any of these factors,
don’t send it until you fix them. And if you can’t fix them, maybe you shouldn’t send it
at all.

It’s so easy for anyone to misunderstand e-mails and cybercommunications. We have to

be very very careful to make them clear and help others to understand what we really
mean. We also need to be careful not to hurt others and be good netizens.

 Start by making sure you are sending things to the right place, that it
arrives and that the right person gets it.

Is it addressed to the right person? Are you sure? Have you checked the spelling and the
screen name carefully? Are they in your address book or on your buddy list already?
The easiest way to make sure that you have their correct screen name or e-mail address
is to save it automatically when they send you something. Parents should input their
children’s approved correspondents into their buddy lists and address books to make
sure that it is done correctly. Also, people (especially kids) change their e-mail
addresses and screen names often. Make sure you are using the most up-to-date one.

Also, don’t be so sure that your e-mail makes it to the person you sent it to. With so
many junk e-mails and viruses being sent these days, most Internet service providers are
using spam-blocking technology to block and filter messages they think may be spam.
Many innocent messages are caught in the spam-filters and never get delivered
anymore. Some people are also using their own anti-spam software that may block your
e-mail. Remind your friends to add your e-mail address and screen name to their
approved list so that you won’t be blocked by accident and warn them in advance before
using a new address or screen name. Depending on which e-mail service you use, you
may be able to track your message and see if it is ever delivered, and sometimes if it is
even read. There are other applications you can use as well. It’s good netiquette to ask
the person before sending something to track whether they have opened or read the e-
mail before using it. But just because you send something, don’t get angry if the other
person doesn’t reply. First make sure they received it. (And make sure that they aren’t
blocked by your e-mail filters or spam-blockers either.)
Sometimes one family will use the same e-mail address or screen name for everyone. It
could be embarrassing if you send a personal and private message to someone and their
parents or older brother reads it instead. Check first. Also, many parents read their kids
e-mails. Check with your friends and see if their e-mails are reviewed by their parents.
You may want to be more careful if they do.

 Is it worth sending? Don’t waste peoples’ time or bandwidth with junk,

chain e-mails and false rumors

Some of your friends and people you know love getting lots of e-mail, IMs and jokes.
Others don’t. Before you start sending lots of jokes and attachments to someone, find
out if it’s okay first. And if they tell you they are busy, respect their time. It never hurts
to ask first. That way people will look forward to getting your e-mails and
cybercommunications instead of ignoring them. Also, don’t send long e-mails to people
who only read short ones, or short ones to people who like long ones without explaining
why.

Don’t send chain e-mails. They clog up e-mail servers, especially at school. And
sometimes scare people, especially younger kids. Also, sometimes bad people who are
looking to find kids online use them to spy on e-mails and find new kids to contact.
(You can read more about chain e-mails at “e-mail netiquette and safety.”)

Also, never send anything you haven’t confirmed as being true. Many hoaxes and
cyber-rumors are sent by people who just blindly forwarded them on, without checking
to see if they are true. (You can read more about urban legends, hoaxes and cyber-
rumors and how to check and see if they are true or not at our “Truth or Hype” section.)

If you are going to send an e-mail to someone famous you found online, think about
what you’re going to say. Many of these people answer select e-mails, and you want
yours to be answered, not ignored. Also, if you ask them for something that is
inappropriate (like helping you write your term paper) or something you should have
found on your own (like their biography or information readily found at their Web site)
they probably won’t bother answering you.

Also, don’t just send a “hi!” message without more. The worse that will happen is that it
will be caught in the spam-filter or ignored. The best that will happen is that they will
say “hi” back. What good is that? Also, never send an attachment to someone you don’t
know. They will probably automatically delete it. You can almost always include a
photo or the document in the e-mail itself, instead of having to attach it. And make sure
that you have allowed them to reply, without finding that they are blocked by parental
controls or your e-mail filters.

 Proofread and spell-check your e-mails and make sure they know who you
are

Many messages are never understood or are misunderstood because people left out
words, or said things unclearly, or misspelled words. While your e-mails don’t have to
be formal works of art, your should make them clear. If they are important enough to
send, they are important enough to be understood. The rules for instant messaging are
different and more grammar mistakes and spelling errors are accepted there.
Also make sure that you re-read what you are sending to make sure it says what you
want it to say. If something could be misunderstood, or understood two different ways,
either re-write it or use an emoticon to let them know which meaning you used. Don’t
use shorthand or acronyms they don’t understand. And if you are referring to someone
else, make sure they know who you are talking about.

Also make sure that you sign your e-mails and cybercommunications with a name the
recipient will recognize, if you aren’t using your normal screen name. Don’t’ give away
personal information, but telling them that this is a new account or screen name and
your old one was [fill in the blank] helps your message get read, instead of trashed.
Putting that in the subject line may help.

 Don’t attack others online, say anything that could be considered insulting
or that is controversial

Until you get to know someone very well, it’s always best to stay away from
controversial topics, like politics, religion, race, sex, nationalism, war, special physical
or mental limitations, money and gender-based issues. Once you get to know each other
well-enough to know what is acceptable, you can get into these topics online, but even
then, be very careful. Most cyber-problems start when people are talking about these
and similar topics.

And be especially careful when dealing with people form other cultures and countries
online. What may be perfectly acceptable in the United States may not be acceptable in
Japan, or England, or Hong Kong, or New Zealand. Watch what they say and how they
say it before jumping in. Be extra polite and respectful and don’t be afraid to ask how
they do things where they live. It’s a great way to learn.

If someone tells you that you hurt their feelings, find out how and apologize. Let them
know when you did things without meaning to. If they lash out at you, thinking you did
it on purpose, before you attack them back, try explaining that it was accidental.

Don’t use all capital letters (considered shouting online) and be careful about using bad
language or being provocative. Don’t intentionally say anything to hurt some else’s
feelings or invade their privacy online or offline. And always scan your system for
viruses and malicious code so that you don’t send a virus by accident to someone else.
(Use a good anti-virus program on anything you receive or download to make sure you
don’t pick up any viruses.)

 Don’t forward other people’s e-mails without their permission or share

their personal information

Sometimes, without realizing it, we copy someone new on an e-mail thread. It might
contain personal information or a personal communication that someone else shared
with only you three levels down and you didn’t realize that you were now allowing
others to read it. Either delete all but the most recent message when forwarding it, or re-
read the older threaded messages before forwarding to make sure nothing personal is in
those messages. Many private things slip through that way by mistake.

 Are you angry when you are writing this message?

If you are writing the e-mail, instant message or post when you are angry, review it
carefully. Also take the time to cool down before sending it and check the tips for
avoiding cyberfights, by using the tips we learn in Take 5!

Are you replying to something that is designed to insult you, flame you, cyber-bully you
or harass you? If so, think again. These things go away much faster if you don’t reply at
all. The person sending them is looking for a reaction. They soon get tired and go away
if they don’t get any. Also, you should let your parents or teachers know if you are
receiving hateful or threatening cybercommunications or if you receive something that
hurts your feelings or makes you feel bad. You are entitled not to be attacked online and
enjoy e-mail and cybercommunications without worrying about nasty people.

 Don’t reply to spam, even to ask to be removed from their mailing list

Spammers buy lists of millions of e-mail addresses and instant messaging screen names.
Harvesting programs gather up these addresses wherever they can find them online, in
chat rooms, on message boards, from chain e-mails and registrations. So, many of these
addresses are old and don’t work. If you reply, one of two things happens. You either
have sent a reply to a fake address they have used to send the e-mails from, or you have
now let them know that your address is a good one and you will receive many more
messages. They will even sell your address for more money, since they can now
promise that you have read the spam messages you receive.

While your e-mail service provider may ask you to forward spam to their TOS (terms of
service violations address), you shouldn’t bother. Instead, use a good anti-spam
program.

 How private is the message you are sending? Are you willing to have others
read this message or forward it to others without your permission?

E-mails get misdelivered all the time. And sometimes the people we send them to share
our communications with others without asking us first. (This includes logs of our chat
room discussions and of instant messaging.) The courts allow others to read your e-
mails under special circumstances. Don’t ever say anything in a cybercommunication
you wouldn’t be willing to allow someone else to read. We always tell people not to say
anything they wouldn’t write on a postcard they send through the mail. Sometimes
when our friends get angry with us, they intentionally post our e-mails on public Web
sites or send them to others. If you are going to share something very private, it’s best to
use the phone or person-to-person communications (obviously only with people you
know in real life).

When students apply for jobs or internships the recruiter will sometimes “Google them”
first. We have seen many cases where old messages they posted when they were much
younger and didn’t realize would turn up in an online search cost someone an internship
position or a job. (It’s always a good idea to “Google yourself” regularly and make sure
nothing turns up that you would be embarrassed about or that gives away personal
information about you online.)

Also, many parents and schools monitor communications. This means they can read
what you have written. Have you written anything they can’t read? And if you are using
a family account that one of your parents uses for work e-mail, their boss may be
monitoring e-mails too. That could be very embarrassing for everyone and may cost
your parent their job.