Running head: AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF RACIAL IDENTITY 1

Autobiography of Racial Identity

Andrew Dawson Delph

EDL 660E: Critical Whiteness

Dr. Elisa Abes, Grace Hymel

Miami University
AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF RACIAL IDENTITY 2

Autobiography of Racial Identity

Childhood

Race is something that isn’t very new to me. When you grow up in a world of covert

racism and racist behavior, you learn how to be a racist at a young age. I will say, I wasn’t truly

aware of race or my race until third grade when President Obama was running for office. I had

heard racist slurs all my life, never in the company of people of color, but always directed at

them behind closed doors. When President Obama ran for office, they were ramped up by friends

and family. I distinctly remember going to school in third grade and telling my teacher that

someone in my family called then-candidate Barack Obama a racial slur. That was the first time I

had ever gotten in trouble for using a racial slur. That was the first time I conceptualized the

difference between a person of color and myself, a person who was white.

With all of that being said, as a child, I was taught to treat people of color (specifically

Black people) nicely and never be rude to them because everyone is the same. It is still so

confusing to me how people can be so racist in their behavior and then in the same breath,

overcompensate for their behavior in the company of a person of color. While my family and

family friends were clearly racist, I was told to love people that were different all the same

because at the end of the day, we were all God’s people. That was what it meant to be a

Christian: love everyone but deep down, you hated them or were prejudiced in some way.

My entire childhood reinforced this behavior because we had very few family friends

who were Black. I don’t remember having a class with a Black person until I was in high school

and then I was homeschooled shortly after. Even when I went to public high school, I remember

other white kids who weren’t as covert with their racist behavior as I was harassing the Black
AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF RACIAL IDENTITY 3

kids in the hallways. One thing in particular that still is in the back of my mind is a white student

telling a black student who had the same last name as them that it was because their grandparents

were their slaves. I never had a teacher who was a person of color until college and had very

little interaction with people whose skin was different than mine at all.

The town where I grew up is 96% White. Only about 1% of the population is Black or

African American. It is no wonder that I was never in contact with anyone other than white

people. I was always told not to hang out around the “black part” of our small town because it

was dangerous, and I could get hurt. People used racial slurs to describe and name this part of

town. I can’t count how many times I heard awful phrases used to describe that particular

location. I was also told that I better never even think of being in a romantic relationship with

someone who was black because whites and blacks didn’t mix. When I was old enough to drive

on my own, I would drive through the “black part” of town just to see what everyone was talking

about. Turns out that it was just a normal neighborhood. Yes, it was predominantly populated by

Black people and it was considered impoverished, but it wasn’t dangerous and was in the same

socioeconomic group as many “white neighborhoods” in my town. Everyone smiled and waved

just like every “white neighborhood” I had ever ridden or driven through.

From the time I was born to the time I was sixteen or seventeen, I either was taught or

embodied racist behavior just like that of my family and friends. Making racist jokes when

people of color weren’t around, using racial slurs when referring to Black people, and distancing

myself from people of color were common occurrences in my life. This all took place while I

acted and openly proclaimed that “I loved Black people.”

None of the things I did made me question my whiteness. It was always about Black

people and their blackness. I never even considered how me being white affected my status in the
AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF RACIAL IDENTITY 4

world. I justified my academic success, living in a nice house, driving a decent car, and getting to

go to college by saying I was lucky and blessed. I never once considered that I was benefiting

from being white. It wasn’t until I started college when I began to question my racial identity and

the racist behavior that was a part of my everyday life.

Understanding my Racial Identity

I have been reflecting a lot on my journey to understanding my racial identity and what it

means for me to be white. To be completely straightforward, I should credit a lot of this

development and growth to my mentor because she has spent countless hours over the past three

and a half years in conversation with me about race, power and privilege, and racism in our

society. When these conversations first began, I had already sought out information on my own,

but I was so confused and disgusted with myself for the beliefs that I held about people of color

and the behavior that I exhibited.

Throughout my undergraduate career, I made it a point to unlearn the racist thoughts and

beliefs that I had been taught and relearn an anti-racist attitude and way of thinking. I am in no

way where I need to be. If I were to place myself on a spectrum, I would probably be somewhere

between the lower end and the middle. More recently, I have learned that growth in this area is

never over, but we are constantly working toward being less racist. This whole transformation, if

that is the proper word, came about when I was questioning my religion. I wasn’t necessarily

questioning the existence of my faith, but if what I had been taught all my life about my faith

was correct. I soon realized that it wasn’t and even my faith had been used to justify bigotry and

prejudice toward black people (i.e “God didn’t intend for black and white people to mix”). I

guess you could say that this journey toward anti-racism is one piece of that greater journey of

being a better Christian and combatting injustice in all forms.

Interview

When trying to decide who to interview, I had plenty of options simply because of my

family’s beliefs. However, I chose my grandmother for one specific reason. As I have made it a

priority to be more aware of the racism that I am complicit in, I have also been trying to help my

closest family members to at least realize that racism exists, and they are part of the system. I

wanted to compare her answers now to what they may have been like just 3-4 years ago.

Little to my surprise, she doesn’t believe my racial identity has played a role in shaping

my life. According to her, white privilege doesn’t exist, and black people have just as many

opportunities as white people. If people work hard and give it their best shot, they will be

successful. Her comments did not catch me off guard. Although, I did try to understand why she

believes those things and why she denies they have impacted her life, my life, and more recently,

our relationship due to disagreement on the issue. To my surprise, I didn’t receive the pushback I

would have received just a few years prior to the conversation.

Other than being raised by very racist parents, the root of these beliefs come from the fact

that she was raised well below the poverty line. She grew up in a two-room home with four

siblings and went to a one-room school that she had to walk to. She and her siblings only got

new shoes once a year and wore handmade clothes. In addition to their financial situation, she

was born in the years before desegregation, so she did not come into contact with kids who were

black.

She, like many other white people who were raised poor, equates success to class and

does not acknowledge the intersectionality of various identities such as race, gender, and class.

None of that is an excuse for her ignorance regarding racism, but it does shed light on how she
AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF RACIAL IDENTITY 6

was conditioned from birth to believe that success is equal to hard work and merit. In turn, I was

also raised to believe that my whiteness had no affect on who I am as a person.

Conclusion

As it currently stands, I still don’t understand everything that comes along with my

identity as a white person. I do know that I am complicit in a racist system and I am inherently

racist, but that is relatively new information. Where I am now compared to who I was as a

sixteen-year-old boy is beyond recognition. However, I constantly catch myself checking my

prejudiced thoughts and comments. I always question whether my privilege is showing up in the

space I am occupying. All too often does my implicit bias arise when I least expect it simply

because a person of color walks into the same room as me, walks down the sidewalk as I drive

by and lock my doors, or even shares an experience I don’t understand so I invalidate it.

I like to be in control of my life, but my racial identity is not something I can control.

Fortunately, I can control how I use my whiteness, how I show up in a room, how I further anti-

racist work, or how I react to feedback from other white people and people of color when I

display unconscious racist behavior. I have never wanted to learn so much about what it means

for me to be white and the impact that has on my life and the people of color in my life.

Sometimes, it feels like being white is a new concept because I was so unaware of my race for so

long because I was so focused on someone else’s. I don’t recognize the person I was when I was

sixteen in the context of understanding race and my racial identity. Even now, I am still

struggling to get a grasp on the concept of who I am as a white person and what it means. I am

still trying to realize the full impact whiteness has on my life and how it drives my thoughts and

behaviors and governs my accomplishments and how I interact with people daily.