Professional Psychology: Research and Practice © 2011 American Psychological Association

2011, Vol. 42, No. 2, 200 –207 0735-7028/11/$12.00 DOI: 10.1037/a0022415

Children’s Understanding of Adoption:

Developmental and Clinical Implications

David M. Brodzinsky
Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, New York, New York

Because adopted children are overrepresented in mental health settings, their parents often consult
psychologists to help them understand and manage some of the unique developmental and childrearing
challenges they commonly face. One of the most frequent issues raised by these parents is talking with
their children about adoption. This article provides a developmental framework for helping psychologists
understand the way children comprehend adoption and the implications of their adoption knowledge for
psychological adjustment. It also provides psychologists with useful guidelines for supporting parents to
meet the challenges of discussing adoption with their children.

Keywords: adoption, adopted children, adoptive parents, loss, disenfranchised grief

Adoption is associated with many rewards and challenges in the exception is for mental health referrals, where the effect size is
lives of children and parents. On the positive side, it offers the large. It is critical to stress, however, that it is not adoption status
prospect of stability, loving care, security, and lifetime family per se that typically leads to the more serious adjustment difficul-
connections for boys and girls whose biological parents are unable ties of these children, but rather the adverse circumstances that
to raise them. For adults, it offers the opportunity to reap the joys pre-dated their placements; for example, the legacy of genetically-
of being a parent to children in need; to nurture and guide chil- based problems, negative prenatal experiences (exposure to drugs
dren’s development; and in many cases, to achieve the satisfaction and alcohol), and pre-placement adversities such as malnutrition,
of ameliorating the effects of children’s early adverse experiences. neglect, abuse, parental psychopathology, and exposure to the
In fact, research is unequivocal in its support for the belief that deprivations commonly associated with orphanage life (Cadoret,
adoption generally benefits children, especially when one consid- Yates, Troughton, Woodworth, & Stewart, 1995; Crea, Barth,
ers the alternatives for too many of these youngsters—namely, Guo, & Brooks, 2008; Gunnar, van Dulmen, & the International
remaining in neglectful or abusive homes, or in long-term foster Adoption Project Team, 2007; Juffer & van IJzendoorn, 2005;
care, orphanages, or with parents who are unwilling or unprepared 2009; Rutter et al., 2009).
to care for them (Brodzinsky & Pinderhughes, 2002; Palacios & At the same time, research and clinical experience also have
Brodzinsky, 2010; van IJzendoorn & Juffer, 2006). shown that the individual and family dynamics related to adoption
While adoption offers clear benefits, research and clinical ex- can have profound effects on the child’s self-esteem and identity
perience also suggest that it is associated with many challenges (Grotevant, 1997), as well as on parent-child relationships, often
and complications in the lives of adopted children and the adults leading to adjustment difficulties. Adoption professionals have
who parent them. Adopted children are overrepresented in mental identified a number of unique challenges associated with adoptive
health settings and display higher levels of both externalizing and family life that impact children and parents at each stage of the
internalizing symptoms, as well as learning problems, than do their family life cycle (Brodzinsky, 1987; Brodzinsky & Pinderhughes,
non-adopted peers (Juffer & van IJzendoorn, 2005; Keyes, 2002). Two of the most important challenges parents confront are
Sharma, Elkins, Iacono, & McGue, 2008). In contrast, they do not how to share adoption information with their children, and how to
show higher levels of self-esteem problems (Juffer & van IJzen- help them understand—in a normative and healthy way—the
doorn, 2007). Group differences in adjustment, when significant, meaning and implications of being adopted.
are generally in the small-to-moderate range for effect size; the This article will examine developmental changes in children’s
understanding of adoption, along with the implications of these
changes for children’s identity and psychological adjustment. Par-
DAVID M. BRODZINSKY received his PhD in developmental psychology ticular focus will be placed on children’s experience of adoption-
from the State University of New York at Buffalo. He is professor emeritus related loss. Given that adopted children are overrepresented in
of clinical and developmental psychology at Rutgers University, as well as mental health settings, parents frequently consult psychologists to
Research Director at the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in New help them understand the unique developmental and childrearing
York City. He also maintains an independent practice in Oakland, CA. His
issues they commonly face. Consequently, guidelines for helping
areas of research and practice include adoption and foster care, nontradi-
tional family life, stress and coping, and forensic issues related to child
parents discuss adoption-related issues with their children also will
custody, childhood trauma, and personal injury. be offered. Throughout the article, case vignettes from the author’s
CORRESPONDENCE CONCERNING THIS ARTICLE should be addressed to David clinical practice, as well as the voices of adopted individuals and
M. Brodzinsky, 129 Calvert Court, Oakland, CA 94611. E-mail: their parents, taken from clinical cases and the author’s research,
dbrodzinsk@comcast.net also will be used to highlight the points being made.

200
 CHILDREN’S UNDERSTANDING OF ADOPTION 201

Developmental Changes in Children’s Understanding Middle Childhood

of Adoption
Children between 6 and 12 years of age undergo many changes
Although parents often make reference to their children’s ori- in cognitive and socio-emotional development that have signifi-
gins throughout the first few years of life, active attempts to impart cant implications for their understanding of and adjustment to
meaningful information to children about adoption typically begin adoption (Brodzinsky & Pinderhughes, 2002). For one thing, their
in the preschool years (Brodzinsky & Pinderhughes, 2002; Melina, capacity for problem solving becomes more sophisticated, leading
1998). Parents usually start with very basic information about them to realize that birthparents may have had options other than
children’s backgrounds and gradually build on their adoption placing their babies for adoption. For example, a 9-year-old who
previously was told that her birthmother was too poor to raise a
stories as they get older. Of critical importance is the way children
child and had no one to help her, now can recognize the possibility
interpret the information provided, the manner in which their
of the birthmother getting a job and perhaps asking someone in her
understanding changes with age, and how their evolving knowl-
family for assistance. Although still somewhat limited in their
edge and curiosity about adoption impacts on their adjustment,
reasoning, and certainly without any real-life understanding of the
self-esteem, and identity. For more detailed information about
difficult circumstances facing most birthparents, school-age chil-
children’s knowledge and beliefs about adoption, including the
dren’s ability to conceptualize multiple solutions for a given prob-
cognitive-developmental, stress and coping, and family lifecycle
lem may lead them to reject, or at least challenge, the simple
models that have guided this research, see Brodzinsky (1990);
explanations offered by their parents regarding the circumstances
Brodzinsky, Schechter, and Brodzinsky (1986); Brodzinsky,
of their adoption. As a result, in attempting to understand the
Schechter, and Henig (1992), and Brodzinsky, Singer, and Braff
birthparent’s decision regarding adoption, some children during
(1984).
this stage of development begin to question whether they were
ever wanted by the birthparents in the first place, which can
Preschool Years undermine their views of themselves and their origins.

“I can’t really understand how she could give up her own baby . . .
As parents begin to share adoption information, their 3- to
even if she was poor . . . I don’t think most poor people do that . . . it
5-year-olds gradually learn parts of their adoption stories. They makes me mad to think that she just wouldn’t keep me” (9-year-old
often are able to label themselves as being adopted, as well as to girl adopted from Guatemala at 8 months of age).
talk about having birthmothers and/or birthfathers. Sometimes they
can identify that they were born to people other than the parents Another cognitive change impacting adoption awareness and
who are raising them, and may learn fragments of the stories about adjustment is in the way children understand the nature of family.
how they came into their new families. The capacity of preschool In the preschool years, most children define family in terms of
children for understanding the meaning and implications of being geographical and emotional criteria. In other words, for young
adopted is quite limited, however (Brodzinsky et al., 1984). For the children, the people who live with them and love them (and who
most part, they learn the language of adoption; in other words, are loved in return) are considered family. Biological relatedness
they learn to talk about being adopted, without really understand- plays a limited role in the young child’s conception of family. By
ing what that means. Consider Ellie, a four-year-old girl, placed for 6 to 8 years of age, however, boys and girls are beginning to
adoption soon after birth1: understand the significance of biological connections among fam-
ily members (Newman, Roberts, & Syre, 1993). For many adopted
“Mommy told me that when I was in her tummy she wanted me . . . so children, this new knowledge raises questions about the nature and
she told the doctor to make me adopted . . . so then I was adopted . . . even authenticity of their family membership. As one 7-year-old
(What do you mean you were adopted?) Well mommy told the doctor boy, adopted as an infant, said,
to take me out of her tummy and to make me adopted. (How did the
doctor make you adopted?) I don’t know.” “Do I have one family or two? My mom and dad didn’t make me . . .
I was born to another lady somewhere . . . so is she my mother too?
Interestingly, the parents of preschool-age children often over- . . . It gets kind of confusing sometimes.”
estimate the extent to which their boys and girls comprehend the
Middle childhood also is a time when logical thought emerges,
meaning of being adopted (Brodzinsky, 1983). Listening to their
leading children to recognize that gaining a new family through
children talk about being adopted or about their birthmothers often
adoption also means having been separated from a previous one.
leads parents to assume that their youngsters have a reasonably
This insight sensitizes them to the reality of adoption-related loss,
clear understanding of their adoption. This misunderstanding leads
which is viewed by most adoption professionals as a core issue in
some parents— especially those who were quite anxious about
the emotional adjustment of adopted individuals (Brodzinsky,
sharing adoption information in the first place—to curtail discus-
1990; Brodzinsky & Pinderhughes, 2002; Leon, 2002; Nickman,
sions about adoption prematurely. Professionals need to caution
1985)— one that helps explain the emergence of increased adjust-
parents about assuming that their preschool children have gained
ment difficulties during this period (Brodzinsky, Smith, & Brodz-
as much understanding about adoption as it may seem and encour-
insky, 1998).
age them to remain attuned to their children’s needs for additional
information. They also should support parents in creating a family
atmosphere that makes it comfortable for children to ask relevant 1
Whenever quotes or case examples are used, all identifying informa-
questions about their backgrounds and current family status. tion has been altered to protect the confidentiality of the individual.
202 BRODZINSKY

The capacity for understanding another person’s perspective, as This process is more complicated for adopted individuals, how-
well as feeling empathy for another’s plight, also undergoes sig- ever, because of their connections to two families—the ones that
nificant advancement during middle childhood. These social- gave them life and the ones that are raising them. In their search for
cognitive achievements help adopted children conceptualize the self, adoptees must find ways of integrating aspects of both fam-
problems faced by birthparents and their possible implications for ilies into their emerging identities. Research and clinical experi-
these individuals. Often school-age children begin to wonder ence suggest that in discussing these issues with adoptive parents,
whether they are the object of their birthparents’ thoughts and, if psychologists and other professionals should emphasize the fol-
so, whether the birthparents are unhappy about, or even regret, the lowing points (Brodzinsky et al., 1992; Grotevant, 1997):
decision they made. It is normal for this possibility to give rise to ● Interest in adoption and efforts to integrate this aspect of one’s
confusion, anxiety, and sadness in the child at this time. life into an emerging sense of self is a normal and healthy process.
● Adolescents are highly variable in the extent to which they are
“Last night, when I put my daughter to bed, she asked me whether her
interested in their adoptions. Some show intense curiosity in their
birthmother ever thinks about her . . . She asked if her birthmother
might be sad about not being with her . . . She started crying and said
origins and are helped by contact with birth family members;
that she worried that her birthmother misses her and doesn’t know others exhibit little interest in adoption or their birth heritage.
where she is.” (Mother of a 9-year- old girl, adopted domestically ● The role of adoption in shaping identity is influenced by many
soon after birth). different factors, including those within the individual (e.g., tem-
perament, self-esteem, etc.), those within the family (e.g., parents’
As children develop a more realistic understanding of adoption, attitudes, quality of parent-child relationships, etc.), and those
they naturally begin to examine what it means to them, as well as outside the family (e.g., experiences with birth family, peers,
to others. Psychologists and other professionals need to emphasize schoolmates, and the broader community).
the normality of children’s curiosity about their origins, and their ● Parents who are more open, supportive, and empathic in their
emotional reactions in response to better understanding their fam- communication about adoption are more likely to have children
ilies, as well as help adoptive parents validate and support their who are able to integrate this aspect of their lives into a positive
children’s efforts to find connections with and more knowledge sense of self.
about their pasts (see also Juffer & Tieman, 2009). ● Access to information about one’s birth family and the cir-
cumstances surrounding the adoption, as well as contact with birth
Adolescence family, generally facilitates positive adoptive identity develop-
With the emergence of adolescence and the development of ment.
abstract thinking, the capacity for understanding the meaning and ● Adoption across racial lines adds another layer of complexity
implications of adoption deepens. For one thing, teenagers begin to for adoptive identity development; with support and access to
understand the legal permanence associated with adoption (Brodz- appropriate role models and life experiences, most transracially
insky et al., 1984). This awareness can reduce the anxiety found in placed youngsters—including those placed from abroad—are able
some younger children who occasionally worry about being re- to negotiate this developmental task successfully.
turned to, or reclaimed by, their birth families.
The capacity for understanding other people’s thoughts and Role of Loss in Adoption Adjustment
feelings also matures during adolescence. This achievement allows
teenagers to have more realistic and empathic views of the birth- Of the many psychological issues associated with adoption,
parents’ states of mind and life situations. They also become better none has received as much attention by the professional commu-
able to conceptualize adoption within a societal perspective, which nity as the issue of loss (Brodzinsky, 1990; Leon, 2002; Nickman,
has both positive and negative implications. On the positive side, 1985). The experience of loss is extremely common in adopted
adolescents begin to recognize the role of adoption as a social individuals, although the way it is experienced varies significantly
service system geared toward bettering the lives of many children. from one person to another (Smith & Brodzinsky, 1994, 2002). At
At the same time, they become increasingly aware that many one extreme are individuals who experience infrequent and mild
people around them view adoption as a “second-best” route to feelings of confusion, sadness, and/or other grief-related emotions
parenthood. In other words, while adoption is widely accepted as associated with separation from birth family; at the other end of the
an admirable way of forming a family, it frequently is viewed as spectrum are individuals for whom grief-related reactions are
less desirable than doing so through procreation. This awareness nearly constant and profoundly felt.
can lead teenagers to question their value to their families and the
ways they are viewed by peers and others.
Multidimensional Nature of Adoption-Related Loss
“My friends say it’s cool that I’m adopted . . . you know, having two
sets of parents . . . two moms and two dads . . . but I also know that Although most people—professionals and lay persons alike—
they’re glad that they’re not adopted and that makes me feel a little probably recognize that adoption is inherently connected to loss,
uncomfortable . . . it feels like they’re saying one thing, that adoption
few realize the full extent of the losses experienced by those who
is cool, but really thinking that it’s not . . . that they’re glad it didn’t
are adopted. Some of these losses typically are experienced in
happen to them . . . that makes me think that they feel sorry for me . . .
I hate that” (16-year-old boy, adopted from Colombia at 18 months). middle childhood; others don’t emerge until adolescence. More-
over, the variability in the ways in which adopted individuals
Like all teenagers, adopted adolescents are in the process of experience loss are linked to a range of intrapersonal, interper-
trying to define themselves and to find their place in the world. sonal, experiential, and contextual factors, including age, cognitive
 CHILDREN’S UNDERSTANDING OF ADOPTION 203

level, temperament, pre-placement history, relationship history, racial lines. For example, consider the words of Thomas, a 14-
and current support systems (Brodzinsky et al., 1998). year-old African-American teenager, living with his White adop-
The first and most obvious loss experienced by adopted children tive parents:
is the one associated with separation from birthparents. For those
youngsters placed as babies, this sense of loss emerges slowly as “Looking so different from my parents and brothers is something
that’s bothered me a lot for a long time . . . I don’t want to be White
they begin to understand the meaning and implications of being
like them . . . but I wish I just didn’t stand out so much . . .it makes me
adopted— usually at around 6 to 7 years of age. It is seldom the feel different, like I don’t really belong here.”
case, however, that these children experience the loss of birthpar-
ents as traumatic, primarily because they have never formed at- That is not to suggest that all transracially placed adopted
tachments to them (Smith & Brodzinsky, 1994, 2002). The same individuals feel cut-off from their racial and/or ethnic origins, or
holds true for loss associated with separation from biological that they feel uncomfortable with being different from others in
siblings and extended birth relatives— grandparents, uncles, aunts, their families. For example, Sean, a 17-year-old African-American
and cousins. For those placed at older ages, however, the loss of male, who was placed transracially at the age of 2 years, reported:
birthparents, siblings, and/or extended family is likely to be expe-
rienced more acutely because it involves the severing of known “I grew up in a very integrated community and went to very inte-
relationships, some of which may have afforded the child a rea- grated schools . . . I’ve always had both African American and White
friends . . . and some Asian friends too . . .being Black has never been
sonable degree of emotional security. For these youngsters, the
an issue for me . . . I’m very comfortable with who I am . . . my parents
sense of loss often can be quite profound, at least in the early
are very open and supportive . . . I feel good about being adopted by
stages following placement into substitute care (Bowlby, 1973, them . . .the fact that they aren’t African American hasn’t prevented
1980). me from feeling proud that I’m Black . . .they’ve helped me with that.”
“She cries almost every night . . . thrashes around . . . not sleeping Research and clinical experience suggest that, like Sean, when
well . . . isn’t eating . . . she started soiling herself too . . . She just
children are exposed to appropriate racial and ethnic role models,
doesn’t understand what happened and why she’s no longer with her
mother” (Foster mother of a 4-year-old girl, removed from her birth
and when adoptive parents provide positive messages about their
family 3 months earlier). children’s birth heritage, transracially placed adoptees generally
are successful in integrating this aspect of themselves into a
Children who enter foster care, as well as those who reside for healthy and secure identity (McGinnes, Smith, Ryan, & Howard,
periods of time in orphanages, often form very meaningful and 2009; Smith, McRoy, Freundlich, & Kroll, 2008). In the absence
supportive relationships with individuals who are not part of their of these experiences, however, there may be ongoing confusion
birth families—for example, foster parents, foster siblings, orphan- and bewilderment about their racial and ethnic heritage—and,
age staff, friends, teachers, therapists, etc. Removal from these therefore, about themselves.
temporary residences and supports, and placement into adoptive Finally, adolescence is the time when most adopted individuals
homes, may provide these youngsters with increased residential begin integrating adoption into their developing sense of self. This
permanency, but it often does so at the expense of severing process is an extension of the more universal task of identity
important relationships. Too little attention is given to finding development (Grotevant, 1997). Exploring connections to birth
ways of maintaining children’s relationships with these non- family and one’s origins, and understanding the meaning of adop-
biological caregivers and supports. Yet, these individuals often are tion—in personal, familial, and societal contexts—are all part of
sources of emotional security for the affected children, perhaps the this process. Adoptive identity development also may include
first they ever experienced. In making and supporting adoption plans for searching for more information about one’s origins or for
placements, professionals need to consider relationship histories making contact with birth family members. In many cases, the
and seek to preserve those previous emotional connections that search begins in an effort to find the “missing pieces” in their
have served the children well. emerging sense of self.
Adopted children also experience status loss when they recog-
nize that their peers may have negative attitudes about adop- “I feel like I’ve been cut off from something that is truly a part of me
. . . I think of it as if I’ve experienced an amputation . . . just like an
tion— or about them because they are adopted. This type of loss
amputee experiences the pain from a phantom limb, I experience
accentuates feelings of difference that can undermine children’s emotional pain because of what I’ve lost” [21-year-old male, adopted
self-esteem and identity. So, too, can the experience of being as an infant].
physically, temperamentally, or behaviorally dissimilar to other
family members. Because of the lack of a genetic link to their
Uniqueness of Adoption-Related Loss
adoptive parents, it is a common experience for adopted children
to recognize that they do not look like others in the family or that Grieving is a normal and universal response to loss, one that
their interests, personality traits, temperament, talents, skills, involves a complex array of emotions and behavior (Bowlby,
and/or behaviors are not particularly like those of their parents and 1980). Adopted children and teenagers are like all others who
siblings. The lack of similarity to family members, however, is experience loss; namely, as they grieve, they can be expected to
experienced in quite varied ways by adopted children and adoles- manifest an array of emotions and behaviors, including confusion,
cents. For some youngsters, it’s just a matter of being different, anxiety, sadness, crying, anger, and acting out. There is no right or
with no inherent value attached to the difference. For others, the wrong way to grieve, and there is no specific timetable that defines
observed differences are unsettling, leading to a feeling of not appropriate from inappropriate grieving. Some types of loss, how-
fitting into the family. This is often true for those placed across ever, are more complicated than others, making it more difficult
204 BRODZINSKY

for the bereaved individuals to resolve their feelings of loss (Boss, are obvious and readily observable, and others that are more subtle
1999). and slower to emerge over time. When loss is unrecognized by
Adoption may fit this pattern for a variety of reasons (Brodzin- others, the risk is that the individual will feel ignored, misunder-
sky, 1990, 2009; Brodzinsky et al., 1992). First, only about two stood and unsupported, leading to what Doka (1989) referred to as
percent of children in the United States are adopted by non- disenfranchised grief. This type of grief is much more difficult to
biological kin. Consequently, adopted children and teenagers who resolve than grief that is more openly acknowledged and socially
are struggling with adoption-related loss are at risk for feeling supported through recognized rituals and public mourning. Unfor-
different—that is, feeling that there is no one else around who tunately, adopted individuals too often do not feeling supported
really understands what they are going through. In turn, this and validated in grieving their losses, which, in turn, can lead to
feeling of difference can undermine self-esteem and complicate more clinically significant symptoms such as depression.
the resolution of loss.
Adoption-related loss also is unusual in that it is not necessarily “It seems to me that few understand what I have gone through . . . I
a permanent form of loss, such as death. As children mature, they haven’t found others, except for one or two people, who can listen to
me, understand my pain, and not just try to cheer me up or tell me that
quickly recognize that they may have living birthparents, birth
I’m being silly or overdramatic . . . that I should be grateful for being
siblings, and other birth relatives. Moreover, it is extremely com- adopted and not dwell on the sad parts . . .it was so different when my
mon for adopted children to fantasize about meeting these indi- [adoptive] mother died . . . then everyone seemed to understand what
viduals, and in fact, they often do. The potential for searching for I was going through . . . I felt their support . . . but it’s been so
birth relatives, and the possibility of reunion with them, makes it different regarding my adoption . . . few people really get it” [Sharon,
more difficult, at least for some adopted individuals, to find a 38-year-old adoptee, placed as an newborn infant].
comfortable resolution for their grief and feelings of loss. More-
over, open adoptions, which are becoming increasingly routine in Guidelines for Discussing Adoption With Children
the United States (Grotevant & McRoy, 1998) do not eliminate—
although they may reduce—the sense of confusion, dismay, and As noted previously, some of the more important responsibili-
loss experienced by the adopted individual. ties for adoptive parents are sharing adoption information with
The circumstances surrounding the separation from birthparents, their children, helping them understand the meaning and implica-
and the nature of their relationships with these individuals, can also tions of being adopted, and supporting them in their efforts to cope
complicate the resolution of grief for some adoptees. Children who with feelings related to their family status, including those con-
were placed as newborn infants have never had relationships with nected to loss. In concluding this article, I would like to offer some
their birthparents, but this reality does not preclude them from guidelines that psychologists and other professionals can share
experiencing loss. As children mature, both cognitively and emo- with adoptive parents in helping them with this process. These
tionally, they begin to fantasize about their birthparents— guidelines are informed by the author’s many years of working
wondering who they are, what they are like, and what they may be clinically with this population, as well as by the writings of others
doing with their lives. Children who believe their birthparents who counsel adoptive parents (see Eldridge, 1999; Keefer &
made a voluntary choice not to raise them sometimes interpret this Schooler, 2000; Melina, 1998). As a prelude to sharing these
decision in terms of negative self-characteristics. Consider the guidelines with parents, it is important that psychologists inquire
thoughts of Annie, an 8-year-old Chinese girl, placed for adoption about the amount and type of preparation and education already
at 14 months of age: received from the adoption agency and others so as to avoid
redundancy in the counseling process and the assumption that
“Maybe she didn’t want a girl . . . maybe she didn’t like something parents are naive about these issues.
else about me . . .it makes me upset to think that maybe she wanted a ● Discussing adoption with children is a process, not an
baby, just not me.” event. Because of anxiety related to talking with their children
about adoption, often linked to a history of infertility or previous
For those children who were removed from their birth families child loss (Brodzinsky, 1997), some adoptive parents approach this
by child protective services, the implications associated with their task as if it were a one-time event, pouring out too much infor-
placements in care can negatively affect their views of their mation and then attempting to avoid further discussions unless
birthparents, as well as their self-image. pressed by their children. Parents need to recognize that providing
information should be an ongoing process that unfolds over time,
“They use to hit me and my brother . . . a lot . . . I remember when the
police finally came . . . they arrested my parents and put us in foster
one that is geared toward their children’s readiness— cognitively
care . . .I was glad to leave them . . . I hate them for what they did to and emotionally—to assimilate what they are learning and to make
us . . . I hate everything about them . . . but sometimes I think that appropriate use of it.
maybe I deserved it . . . maybe I was partly to blame” [12-year-old ● Adoption revelation is a dialogue, not a process of talking
boy, placed for adoption with his brother when he was 9 years old]. to children. Although the initial information about adoption is
provided by parents, adoption revelation should be characterized
Finally, unlike death and many other causes of loss, adoption- as an active give-and-take process between parents and children.
related loss too often goes unrecognized by society. Emphasis is By asking children questions and normalizing their curiosity, par-
placed on what is gained by a child through adoption —for ents can ensure that their understanding of the information pre-
example, legal permanence and a safe, caring, and “forever” fam- sented is reasonably accurate; if it is not, they can then take steps
ily— but not on what is lost. However, from the child’s perspec- to correct any misperception or misunderstanding. Developing a
tive, adoption also involves substantial loss, some parts of which parent-child dialogue also ensures that parents are kept reasonably
 CHILDREN’S UNDERSTANDING OF ADOPTION 205

apprised of how the child is coping emotionally with the informa- As children are exposed to their adoption stories, they often show
tion provided and whether there is a need for additional support for significant curiosity about their birthparents and the circumstances
their son or daughter during this process—including professional surrounding their placements, as well as about adoption itself.
help. Although questions about these issues are normal, they sometimes
● Early telling has advantages over late telling. Although lead to anxiety in adoptive parents. This is especially true when
there is no right or wrong time to begin sharing adoption infor- children appear to be preoccupied with adoption-related issues,
mation, most professionals believe that beginning the process early show ambivalence about being adopted, or begin to deal more
in life has distinct advantages; indeed, most parents begin sharing openly with feelings of loss. Children very often become aware of
adoption information when their children are between two and four their parents’ anxiety, and, when they do, sometimes wonder
years of age (Brodzinsky et al., 1992). Although early telling may whether their parents disapprove of their questions and interest in
not accomplish the goal of fostering a realistic understanding of their backgrounds. This can leave children feeling caught in the
adoption in children, it “normalizes” the word for them, while middle between the family they love and the family they want to
helping parents become desensitized to this sometimes anxiety- know more about. Adoptive parents can be especially helpful to
arousing process, prior to the time when most children begin to ask their children by validating and normalizing their curiosity and
more direct and difficult questions about their origins. questions about their origins—specifically, by encouraging such
● Be emotionally available for the child and listen. It’s not questions, by finding ways of bringing up the topic themselves,
enough for parents to be physically present during the adoption and by talking about their children’s birth heritage in a positive and
revelation process; they must be emotionally present as well. respectful manner.
Parents are notoriously good advice givers, but not always the best ● Be aware of your own feelings and values related to
listeners. This is especially true when their children are facing a birthparents and the children’s history. Before embarking on
challenge, manifesting distress, or having some type of difficulty the specifics of children’s adoption history, parents need to con-
coping. Parents need to remember that when they share informa- sider their own feelings related to the connections to the birth
tion about adoption, it can result in unanticipated thoughts and family, as well as the specific information known about the birth-
feelings in their children, some of which can be unsettling. To help parents and the circumstances of the children’s separation from
their children cope in healthy and normative ways with their them. Too often, information associated with the children’s history
adoptions, parents need to be attuned to what the children are can challenge the values and beliefs of adoptive parents—for
thinking and feeling. example, mental illness and/or criminality in the birth family;
● Begin the adoption story with birth and family diversity, incest or rape as the means of a child’s conception; or neglect or
not adoption. One of the most frequent questions asked by adop- abuse during the children’s earlier years. Working through any
tive parents is what information should be presented first and how conflicted feelings they have regarding these issues will help
the information should be shared. Although there are no right or parents become better prepared emotionally to discuss their chil-
wrong answers to these questions, it is generally helpful to begin dren’s origins in a truly supportive way.
the process by emphasizing that children—regardless of what kind ● Avoid negative judgments about birthparents or the
of family they live in—are created through a biological process. child’s heritage. To feel worthy as human beings, children need to
Once the “simple” facts of reproduction and birth are explained, believe they came from worthwhile beginnings. This principle
parents can go on to talk about how families are formed. To further suggests that when their children are young and the adoption story
reinforce the idea that adopted children are similar to many, if not is just beginning to be told, parents should avoid negative descrip-
most, of their peers, parents should then begin to talk about the tions or derogatory comments about birth families; otherwise,
different types of families that exist in ways that make clear that there is a risk of undermining the children’s self-esteem and
they all are equal (even if different). In short, before even identi- identity. Such comments can also undermine any contact the
fying adoption as the means by which the child entered the family, adoptive family may have with birth relatives, which in turn can
adoptive parents should normalize, and even celebrate, family further compromise the children’s psychological adjustment. In
diversity, with adoption being just one of many different types that short, adoptive parents must find ways of discussing their chil-
exist. Normalizing diversity reduces the risk that children will feel dren’s histories so as to be supportive of connections with their
that only their family is different. origins.
● Keep in mind the child’s developmental level and readi- ● Discussing “difficult” background information. Adoptive
ness to process specific information. Children vary in their parents often feel confused and stymied about how to discuss
intellectual capacity and emotional maturity, even at young ages. certain information related to their children’s history that could be
Parents need to consider what their children are likely to under-
interpreted in a negative way—for example, inappropriate parent-
stand and be able to cope with emotionally as they allow the
ing, substance abuse, parental psychopathology, etc. Psychologists
adoption story to unfold. Professionals therefore should emphasize
can help parents by providing the following principles for manag-
the use of age-appropriate language in discussing adoption issues.
ing difficult information: First, do not lie! It is better to acknowl-
In addition, they should encourage the use of one or more of the
edge that one has historical information, some of which will be
many children’s books on adoption that are readily available as a
shared at the present time and, some, when the children are older,
means of facilitating interest in the adoption story, as well as
supporting children’s understanding and coping in relation to the
information being presented2. 2
There are many excellent children’s books on adoption; readers should
● Validate and normalize children’s curiosity, questions, consult the following websites for recommendations: www.perspectives-
and feelings about their adoptions, birthparents, and heritage. press.com; www.adoptivefamilies.com; www.comeunity.com
206 BRODZINSKY

than to avoid discussing certain topics simply because the infor- into a healthy and secure sense of self. The type of family emo-
mation is emotionally charged. Secrets are difficult to keep and can tional and communicative environment created by parents is a key
undermine family relationships; for example, parents too often for achieving this goal.
deny knowing specific information about the birthparents or the
children’s history, only to reveal it later. When this happens, it
Conclusion
undermines children’s ability to trust their parents.
Adoptive parents also should be encouraged to differentiate Adoption offers children the promise of nurturance, emotional
between birthparents’ intent and desire, and their actions. It is stability, and lifetime family commitment. As children learn their
probably safe to assume that virtually all birthparents wanted the adoption stories from their parents, including their connections to
best for their children, and if they could have, to have been good birth origins, their lives take on new meaning—as well as new
parents to them. Nevertheless, intent and desire are not always challenges and complications. Finding ways of understanding and
translated into loving and competent behavior. When developmen- integrating this new information into a healthy sense of self is an
tally appropriate, adoptive parents should help their children rec- important developmental task for adopted children, and supporting
ognize that despite the birthparents’ desire to be nurturing and this process is a critical responsibility for adoptive parents. These
effective caregivers, they could not do so. In explaining the rea- parents often turn to psychologists and others in the helping
sons, adoptive parents may need help translating their knowledge professions for answers about childhood stress and parenting chal-
of the birthparents’ circumstances into more neutral, less value- lenges. Being aware of normative developmental changes in chil-
laden terms. One example is the use of an illness model. Birth- dren’s understanding of adoption, as well as normative reactions to
parents who cannot meet their children’s basic needs because of adoption-related loss, will allow these professionals to offer
alcohol or drug abuse or some form of psychopathology can be timely, useful guidance and support that, in the end, will most
described as suffering from an illness that could not be overcome benefit adopted children.
quickly or easily. Similarly, neglectful or abusive behavior can be
reframed in terms of judgment problems, impulse control prob-
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Leon, I. G. (2002). Adoption losses: Naturally occurring or socially con- Received August 5, 2010
structed? Child Development, 73, 652– 663. Revision received November 1, 2010
McGinnes, H., Smith, S. L., Ryan, S., & Howard, J. A. (2009). Beyond Accepted November 15, 2010 "

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