The following topics are covered on the exam.

Many of them come directly from discussion

questions. The discussion questions are a good review. You can mark in your readings where to
find the following so you can go to them for reference during the exam.

5 to 1 rule: five complements to one criticism In other words, as long as there are five times as
many positive interactions between partners as there are negative, the relationship is likely
stable. (gottman)
10 commandments of clear communication ( Mckay, Couple Skills, Week 6)
1. Avoid judgmental word and loaded terms
2. Avoid Global labels
3. Avoid ‘you’ messages of blame and accusation
4. Avoid old History
5. Avoid negative comparisons.
6. Avoid Threats
7. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them.
8. Keep body language open and receptive
9. Use Whole messages
10. Use clear messages.
10 ways to destroy a relationship: Lesson 9
1. Be abusive: I'm not just talking about extreme physical or emotional abuse. I'm also
including milder forms of abuse, such as daily put-downs, sarcastic remarks, other
negative comments, withholding affection, refusing to talk, threatening to leave, etc.
2. Defensive: Being defensive is not only destructive--it shuts you off from an extremely
valuable source of feedback
3. Critical: If you are constantly complaining or pointing out flaws in your partner's behavior,
this can become annoying and unattractive.
4. Right most of the time: in order for you to be right, the other person must end up being
wrong. Most people dislike having others make them feel wrong. They will resent you for
this, and even if you win the argument or get your way, you'll pay a price later on.
5. Selfish: Think only about your own wants, needs, and desires.
6. Dishonest: Tell little "white lies" from time to time. Pretend everything is just "fine" when
you are really feeling angry or upset. Say you're fully committed to another, when in fact
you have some doubts.
7. Unfaithful: Forget the vows and promises you made to each other.
8. Superior: to think of yourself as smarter, prettier, cooler, hipper, or more worthwhile than
other people.
9. Controlling: Keep very close tabs on your partner at all times.
10. Certain: Whatever else you do, always remain certain that whatever you think, feel, or
believe-- about relationships, your partner, life in general, etc.--is true.

Abusive personalities, elements of abusive relationships

Jealousy, controlling behavior, quick involvement, unrealistic expectations, blaming others
and not accepting responsibility, hypersensitivity, forceful sexual behavior, exhibit verbal abuse
 RED FLAGS for an abusive relationships: past battering, threats of violence, breaking or
striking violence, and any force during an argument.
Active listening: is a communication technique used in counseling, training, and conflict
resolution. It requires that the listener fully concentrate, understand, respond and then
remember what is being said.
● Speaker listener technique
● Never assume you know what the other is thinking
● Empathy
Attachment Styles:
● Secure Attachment – The child protests the mother's departure and quiets promptly on
the mother's return, accepting comfort from her and returning to exploration…
● Avoidant Attachment – The child shows little to no signs of distress at the mother's
departure, a willingness to explore the toys, and little to no visible response to the
mother's return.
● Ambivalent Attachment – The child shows sadness on the mother's departure, ability to
be picked up by the stranger and even 'warm' to the stranger, and on the mother's
return, some ambivalence, signs of anger, reluctance to 'warm' to her and return to play.
● Disorganized Attachment – The child presents stereotypes upon the mother's return
after separation, such as freezing for several seconds or rocking. This appears to
indicate the child's lack of coherent coping strategy. Children who are classified as
disorganized are also given a classification as secure, ambivalent or avoidant based on
their overall reunion behavior.

Attachment theories: Attachment theory states that attachment is a developmental process based
on the evolved adaptive tendency for young children to maintain proximity to a familiar person, called
the attachment figure. It has been suggested for many years that children develop different styles of
attachment based on experiences and interactions with their primary caregivers.

Loneliness: The feeling of not being truly accepted and loved. The unpleasant boredom,
sadness, and desperation of loneliness occur when there is an unhappy discrepancy between
the number and quality of partnerships we want and those we have.
- Social Isolation: being dissatisfied because we lack a social network of friends and
acquaintances
- Emotional isolation: being lonely because we lack a single intense relationship.

Loneliness is often temporary

Heritable
on average men are more lonely than women
loneliness appears to be a gender difference rather than a sex difference (low/high expressivity)
can lead to depression
Make you physically ill

Overcoming Loneliness: Seek out friendships rather than relationships

Aspects of a happy life:
- Your partner's happiness
- Stability in your relationship (secure attachment style)
- Emotional security
- Good social support
- Self-esteem
- Feeling equal with your spouse
Aspects of intimacy: tends to provide effective support that reassures and
bolsters the recipient, and they do so for altruistic, compassionate reasons
Physical intimacy: touch, sex
Emotional intimacy: emotional closeness and connection
Social environments growing up can have an effect on both types of intimacy
- High level of knowledge of the person you are intimate with
- Trust and commitment, respect
- Social support
- Caring, mutuality between each other (perceived partner responsiveness)
Children are intimate with their parents
Adolescents are intimate with their friends
Partners are intimate with each other
Stress can affect physical intimacy
Attraction, attraction vs. Love:
Attraction: promotes the pursuit of a particular preferred romantic partner. Attraction drives pair-
bonding by fueling romantic love, which is regulated by the levels of the neurotransmitters
dopamine and (possibly) serotonin in specific regions of the brain that control feelings of reward.
- Arousal fuels attraction
- Not always related to outward beauty
Love: is a social construct romantic love, is chemical reaction
Love needs: deep emotional involvement, strong sexual attraction, and mutual admiration.
There is an emotional component to love rather than just physical
Behavior differences between happy and unhappy couples: (The science of a Happy
Marriage)
Happy: willingness to do things for one another, emotional disclosure, commitment,
communications: fighting fairly, tolerance for one another's shortcomings, accepting each
other’s differences, loving each other for who you they are, loving yourself, personal time,
resolve arguments rather than letting them fester, bonding rituals -date night/family dinners,
Unhappy: defensiveness, jealousy, emotional distance, constant miscommunications,
intolerance for one another's shortcomings, playing the blame game, becoming too close to one
another, power struggles,
Bonds That Make Us Free: Lesson 4
Playing the victim: not allowing yourself to be influenced by others. Causal theory: past events
shape how we interact with people presently.
Allowing ourselves to be influenced is not only the way we change; it is also the way that we
influence others to change. By allowing ourselves to be influenced by others we become
different, far less defensive and accusing and more caring.
When others have a change in heart, they influence us and help change us. As a result
of their change they give us a different sort of person to respond to.
We waive our demands for justice; we no longer demand that they pay and we let them
off the hook. We drop our charges against them as an act of love.
Living truthfully towards someone allows us to be considerate and letting ourselves be
influenced by the truth of them. There is no reason to be defensive or find faults.
Love is not manipulative
Love is a power, allows freedom.
When we act negatively we are likely to believe that it is just the way that we are, leading
us to have hopelessness that we can change
Discovering that we are responsible for our troubles does not condemn us but opens up
a way of escape. It is a recovery not a change.
My beginning will not dictate my end. Accusing feelings are so focused that they ruin all
facts other than those that support them.
Healing a primary collision helps to cut many satellite collisions at the source. We must
kill the root of an emotional condition.
Our emotional problems are accusations we make of others now. They are not scars
from the past but actions from now. What happened in the past has no significance now.
We are responsible for what we have become and there is hope to change.

Cardillo’s dimensions: Lesson 12

1. Emotionality is the tendency to express negative emotions such as anger and fear
frequently and vigorously
2. Activity is the degree of physical movement that a person characteristically shows.
3. Impulsivity is the degree to which a person acts quickly without deliberation,
moves from one activity to the next, and finds it difficult to practice self-control.
4. Sociability is the tendency to be outgoing and friendly and to enjoy the company
of others (McAdams, 1989, pp. 136-137).

Causes of unhappiness:
- Thinking about other partners (other than your current partner).
- Always being on the defensive with your partner
- No liking yourself
- Feelings of inequality between household labors
Character strengths:
To love anyone, we have to get to know them.If you really want to love someone, you
will unconditionally accept them for who they are. We don't love a person because they do for
us, we love them because we sacrifice and do for them. Ambition. Authentic Happiness.
Creativity. Shared virtues - courage, justice, humanity, temperance, wisdom, and
transcendence.
Clean Communication strategies: Lesson 6 - McKay Couple Skills

Parts of Communication Good communication has two parts:

1.Skillful Sending of Messages
2.Skillful Receiving of Messages
Skillful Sending Skillfully sending messages involves: Being Clear Being Concise
Being Straightforward Being Good Intentioned Sending them in the Appropriate Dose Sending
them at the Appropriate Time

1. Avoid judgmental words and loaded terms

2. Avoid global labels
3. Avoid you messages of blame and accusation
4. Avoid old history
5. Avoid negative comparisons
6. Avoid threats
7. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them
8. Keep body language open
9. Use whole whole messages
Companionship:
- Friends offer companionship: need for acceptance
- Pets can offer companionship
Difference between men’s relationships and women’s relationships:
Emotions: There is a real gender difference in how women and men respond to emotions in
relationships. Women’s relationships are usually characterized by emotional sharing and self-
disclosure, whereas men’s friendships and relationships revolve around shared activities,
companionship and love (Wright, 1998). According to Fehr (1996), Friendship Processes:
● Women spend more time talking to friends on the phone.
● Men and women talk about different topics. Women are more likely to talk about
relationships and personal issues, whereas men are more likely to talk about impersonal
interests such as sports.
● Women self-disclose more than men do.
● Women provide their friends more emotional support than men do.
● Women express more feelings of love and affection in their friendships than men do.

Long term effects of divorce:

- Problems with intimate relationships (didn’t have a good example growing up)
- Problems with their family and their parents (longing for a normal family)
- Problems with the step family
- Emotional distance
- Self-esteem issues, self-concept, trust in others, communication issues, anger,
jealousy suspicion, hurt, cynicism of marriage
Disapproving families: The Relationship Cure: Families with a disapproving philosophy are
like dismissing families in their belief that people should keep their feelings hidden. But
members of disapproving families take it a step further; they're likely to be hostile or critical
toward those who express negative emotions. Emotion-disapproving family members actually
feel hostile toward those who express emotions like sadness, anger, or fear. In fact. they're
likely to criticize, reprimand, or even punish members just for expressing negative emotions.
- They're not as capable as other kids of soothing themselves when they get upset, so
they have more trouble concentrating and picking up on social cues. This leads to more
behavior problems.

Dysfunctional beliefs about love: That love is blind, uncontrollable, external, it never will last,
negative thoughts about our partners
- How we feel about love affect how much commitment we put into a relationship
- (117-118) - there is one and only person for you, perfect partner, perfect self, perfect
relationship, try harder, love is enough, choosing should be easy, cohabitation,
opposites complement each other. Love should be the most important basis for choosing
a partner. Love will overcome anything. Love at first sight is possible. Disagreements are
destructive. Mind Reading is essential. Partners cannot change. Sex should be perfect
every time. Men and women are different. Great relationships just happen and do not
need work. Two people are meant to be together.

Effects of memory:
- reconstructive memory to describe the manner in which our memories are continually
revised and rewritten as new information is obtained.
- Partners' current feelings about each other influence what they remember about their
shared past (McFarland & Ross, 1987). If they're presently happy, people tend to forget
past disappointments; but if they're unhappy and their relationship is failing, they
underestimate how happy and loving they used to be.
- The good news is that by misremembering their past, partners can remain optimistic
about their future. At any given point in time, contented lovers are likely to recall that
they have had some problems in the past but that things have recently gotten better, so
they are happier now than they used to be.
Effects of trauma on relationships:
● decrease in cohesion or connection
● active distancing from their partner
● decrease in understanding on the side of both parties
● Decrease in sexual intimacy
● increase in relationship distress
● Affect both partners
● couples had difficulties with communication and displayed either passive or active
avoidance.
● Understanding is key to making the relationship work
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Empathy is a second part
of forgiveness and will help each person understand the other’s feelings. Also involves putting
yourself in other’s shoes and trying to understand other’s positions.
Expectations in relationships: Lesson #3
Can be good and bad. Good if you have a secure attachment style and are able to show your
love by meeting each other's expectations. Bad if you expect too much of one another and set
unattainable standards. Also called unrealistic expectations, they are defined as thoughts or
expectations that are irrational. Irrationality refers to that which prevents people from achieving
their basic goals and purposes, is illogical, and is inconsistent with reality. Rationality helps
people achieve their basic goals and purposes. If people have unrealistic beliefs or expectation
about mate selection, they are more likely you experience indecision, frustration and
disappointment in the mate selection process. These unrealistic beliefs have been shown to
harm married couples chances of developing marital satisfaction

Experts on various aspects of relationships

Transparency- diminishes potential conflict because no one has to guess, make up stories or be
responsible for ferreting out information. , Communication - Couples who converse get to know
what's going on, Putting Things on the Table- Truth goes a lot farther, Date Night - create a
container of romance around the openness fostered by good communication. , sacred space -
setting aside time each week to sit, without distraction, and talk about the relationship., sex - the
sexual dynamic as a whole and making that dynamic a routine part of the relationship, sharing
responsibility - share the responsibility of maintaining the physical container of their relationship
- whether it's housework or finances, respect - When partners hold each other as their priority,
respect is a natural. , holding space - Holding space means giving space; it means being
considerate of someone else's needs and respecting those needs in a way that supports, humor
- Humor is derived from encountering the unexpected.

Factors that predict relationship satisfaction Levels of stress - Higher levels of daily stress
predicted less sexual activity for maritally dissatisfied women and more sexual activity for
maritally dissatisfied men. Intimacy. Attraction. Sex. self-esteem. acceptance, emotional
support, commitment, and respect.

Factors affecting intimacy and relationships

encouraging pleasure. Relationship road maps. Caring. Bonding. Feeling wholeness. Feeling
safe. Taking pleasure in each other. Bonding and sex. Effective and communicative sex.
Communication - intimacy results from a process that is initiated when one person (the speaker)
communicates personally relevant and revealing information to another person (the listener).

Factors in relationships that affect happiness

Gottman on parents: The dismissing parent:

● Treats the child’s feeling as unimportant and trivial. Disengages or ignores the child’s
feeling, wants the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly. Minimizes the child’s
feelings, downplaying the events that led to the emotion. Does not problem-solve
with the child, believes that the passage of time will resolve most
problems.Effects of this style on children: They learn that their feelings are
wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently
 wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty
regulating their own emotions.
Disapproving parent
● Displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in a more negative way
● Judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression
● Emphasizes conformity to good standards of behavior
● Believes negative emotions need to be controlled
● Believes emotions make people weak; children must be emotionally tough for
survival
● Believes negative emotions are unproductive, a waste of time
Effects of this style on children: Same as the dismissing style.
The laissez-Faire parent
● Freely accepts all emotional expression from the child
● Offers little guidance on behavior
● Does not set limits
● Believes there is little you can do about negative emotions other than ride them
out
● Does not help child solve problems
● Believes that managing negative emotions is a matter of hydraulics, release the
emotion and the work is done
Effects of this style on children: They don’t learn to regulate their
emotions. They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting
along with other children.
The Emotion Coach
● Values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy
● Is aware of and values her or her own emotions
● Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting
● Does not poke fun at or make light of the child’s negative feelings
● Does not say how the child should feel
● Uses emotional moments as a time to listen to the child, empathize with soothing
words and affection, help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling, offer
guidance on regulating emotions, set limits and teach acceptable expression of
emotions, and teach problem-solving skills
Effects of this style on children: They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own
emotions, and solve problems. They have a high self-esteem, learn well, and get alone
well with others.

Gottman on conflict-Overcoming conflict- Help to repair your interaction when negativity

engulfs you. There are specific words that you can use to attempt to resolve conflict and
deescalate the tension. By using them in negative arguments, you will keep it from getting out of
control.
● I feel: I’m getting scared, please say that more gently, did I do something wrong, I’m
feeling sad, Please do not lecture me, I feel criticized, etc.
● I need to calm down: Can you make things safer for me?, I need your support right
now, Can i have a kiss?, Can I take that back?, I need things to be calmer right now, etc
● Sorry: I really blew that one, Let me try again, my reactions where to extreme- sorry,
Lets try that over again, etc.
● Get to yes: You're starting to convince me, let's compromise, i never thought of things
that way, etc.
● Stop action: I might be worn there, please- let's stop for a while, let's take a break,
please stop, i want to change the topic,e tc.
● I appreciate: I know this isn’t your fault, i see your point, i understand, i am thankful for..,
one thing i admire about you is… etc.
-In less stable marriage, conflict can trigger flooding. When this occurs you feel overwhelmed
both emotionally and physically. It is harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument
than a woman’s.
-Self soothing: Stop the discussion. Let your spouse know that you are feeling flooded and need
a break. It should last at least 20 min. It is crucial that you avoid thought of righteous indignation
and innocent victimhood- listen to music or something that will distract you
1. Sit in a comfortable chair
2. Focus on controlling your breathing
3. Relax your muscles
4. Let the tension flow out of each muscle group
5. Find a personal image that brings all of this soothing to mind
Stress:
● Make your marriage about a place of peace. You may need to decompress before
interacting with each other, build time to unwind into your daily schedule
● Scheduling formal gripping sessions can prevent the spillover of everyday stress into
your marriage.
Relations with in laws
● Establishing a sense of “we-ness” or solidarity between husband and wife. Spouses
have to let their own parents know that their spouse comes first - renewing your sense of
solidarity with your spouse
Money
● Balancing the freedom and empowerment of money represents with the security and
rust it also symbolizes. Try budgeting: itemize your current expenditures,list your long
term financial goals, share your lists with each other and look for similarities, and come
up with long range of financial plan that will help you both meet your goals.
Sex
● Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other. Learn how to talk to each
other about it an a way that lets you feel safe- meaning learning the right way to ask for
what you want and the appropriate way to react to your spouse's request.
Housework
 ● Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork: Men need to do house work as well. Women
find a mans willingness to share housework extremely erotic.
Listening- Active listening, likely will help to smooth the inevitable rough spots any
relationship encounters.
Paraphrasing: repeating it in our own words and giving the sender a chance to agree that that’s
what he or she actually amount.
Perception checking: people assess the accuracy of their inferences about a partner's feeling
by asking the partner for clarification. This communicates one's attentiveness and interest, and
it encourages the partner to be more open
Love and Logic- Lesson 12
Rule #1: Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, or threats
Rule #2: When a child causes a problem the adult hands it back in loving ways
● In loving way, the adult holds the child accountable for solving his/her problems in a way
that does not make a problem for others.
● Children are offered choices with limits
● Adults use enforceable with limits
● Adults use enforceable statements
● Adults provides delayed/extended consequences
● The adults empathy is locked in before consequences are delivered
Parents tend to fail to hold their kids accountable for poor decisions because they are afraid the
kids will see their parents as being mean. The result is they often excuse bad behavior, finding it
easier to hold others, including themselves, accountable for their children’s irresponsibility.
● Parents need to “lock in our empathy, love and understanding” prior to telling kids what
the consequences of their action will be.
● Parents should not respond by getting angry or intimidating. Parents do not try to argue
match wits with the child. No matter what argument the child uses, the parents responds
- “ I love you too much to argue”. Parents who learn how to use these techniques
completely change, for the better, their relationships with kids and take control of the
home in loving ways.
Marital myths: Lesson 3 Sex always has to be perfect, You should be able to read your
partner's mind, people can’t change, disagreements are destructive.

Mature vs. Immature Love -

Mature/Healthy Love: Waits, respects, gives the benefit of the doubt, listens, trusts, cares,
accepts, takes pleasure in the successes and joys of the other, accepts love without question of
motive or condition, forgives, lets go when necessary, says goodbye…but not perfectly and not
always.
Immature Love: Needs, takes, demands, attempts to change the other, expects, has
agendas, rejects sincere offering of love, keeps score, is impatient and intolerant of mistakes,
talks but does not hear, substitutes sex for love, is jealous and afraid, quits, hurts …but not
always and rarely on purpose.

Parenting: Lesson 12 Jim Fay

CONSULTANT: This Love and Logic parent provides guidance and consultant services
for children.
HELICOPTER: This parent hovers over children and rescues them from the hostile
world in which they live.
DRILL SERGEANT: This parent commands and directs the lives of children.

Passionate Love- passion- characterized by physical arousal and desire, excitement, and
need. It often take the form of sexual longing, but any strong emotional need that is satisfied by
one’s partner fits this category. Passion involves activation and arousal, and remarkably, any
form of strong arousal, good or bad, can influence our feelings of romantic love.
Personality disorders discussed in the course- Lesson 8: Narcissism:excessive or erotic
interest in oneself and one's physical appearance. A pervasive pattern of grandiosity as seen
through fantasy or behavior, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early
adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable
expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her
expectations.Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her
own ends.
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Borderline Personality Disorder: is a form of mental illness that is often found in survivors of
childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Some abused parties develop BPD and some
do not for reasons that are unclear. BPD seems to run in families.
DSM definition of BPD:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating
between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-imageor sense of
self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging e.g
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Borderline Personality Disorder is treatable with conventional therapy, geared toward impulse
control, anger management and behavior modification, and also responds well to proper
medication.
Physiology of Love: lesson 5- dopamine-drenched state of romantic love to the relative quiet
of an oxytocin-induced attachment. Oxytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of
connection, bonding. It is released when we hug our long-term spouses, or our children. It is
released when a mother nurses her infant. Massage. Make love. These things trigger oxytocin
and thus make you feel much closer to your partner
# stages of love:
Stage 1: Lust
This is the first stage of love and is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and
oestrogen – in both men and women.
Stage 2: Attraction
This is the amazing time when you are truly love-struck and can think of little
else.Scientists think that three main neurotransmitters are involved in this
stage;adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin.
Adrenaline
The initial stages of falling for someone activates your stress response, increasing your
blood levels of adrenalin and cortisol. This has the charming effect that when you
unexpectedly bump into your new love, you start to sweat, your heart races and your
mouth goes dry.
Dopamine
Helen Fisher asked newly ‘love struck’ couples to have their brains examined and
discovered they have high levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. This chemical
stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It has the same
effect on the brain as taking cocaine!
Fisher suggests “couples often show the signs of surging dopamine:increased energy,
less need for sleep or food, focused attention and exquisite delight in smallest details of
this novel relationship.”
Serotonin
And finally, serotonin. One of love's most important chemicals that may explain why
when you’re falling in love, your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts.

Stage 3: Attachment
Attachment is the bond that keeps couples together long enough for them to have and
raise children. Scientists think there might be two major hormones involved in this
feeling of attachment; oxytocin and vasopressin.
Oxytocin - The cuddle hormone Oxytocin is a powerful hormone released by men and
women during orgasm.

Positive Illusion: Positive illusions are being able to see to good traits in your partner that they
cannot see themselves.

Predictors of happy couples

Repair attempts: statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse

negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control.

Rules for fair fighting: Lesson 6 - Bernstein CH 9

1. Think rationally before you speak
2. Commit to no toxic behaviors
3. Argue for resolution, not to win
4. Learn to give helpful criticism
5. Respect each other’s styles and personalities
6. Identify your own contributions to the problem
7. Be willing to make concessions
8. Forgive
Self Awareness: Lesson 4 having the ability to recognize as an individual separate from others
and the environment. This gives you the ability recognize and understand your feelings,
emotions, and actions. If we can understand the “why’s” behind our emotions we can
understand how to better direct them to encourage constructive relationships.
Self Love -Lesson #3: what smart couples know: . is that aspect of your self - esteem that
runs much deeper into your psyche and shows respect for and appreciation of your essence of
core self. It is traits, talents, appearance and the like. The level of self love or lack of is rooted in
your early developmental years and can be improved through learning, healing, and effort. Your
self concept is generally an objective view of what you perceive as your personal
characteristics and the kind of person you see yourself being. Self esteem is a subjective
evaluation of judgement of whether you like or approve yourself.
Sensuality and sexuality (Markman)- both are important because they keep partners from
growing apart. Sensuality: or enjoyment receives through any of the senses - touching, seeing,
smelling, tasting and hearing. Sensuous acts includes, smoothing your partner's hair, hugging,
holding hands, kissing your wife's perfumed throat, listening to music, etc. Sensual acts can
express your attraction and how much you are, and make your partner feel loved, in wonderful,
nonsexual ways. Sex: for many people, the way to express love physically is to have sex. They
show and share love through intercourse.
Stages of Love:
Stage 1: Lust
This is the first stage of love and is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and
oestrogen – in both men and women.
Stage 2: Attraction
This is the amazing time when you are truly love-struck and can think of little
else.Scientists think that three main neurotransmitters are involved in this
stage;adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin.
Stage 3: Attachment
Attachment is the bond that keeps couples together long enough for them to have and
raise children. Scientists think there might be two major hormones involved in this
feeling of attachment; oxytocin and vasopressin.

Strategies for developing relationships:

Relationships formed during infancy and childhood - dimensions of temperament
Mother child relationship - attachment
Interactions with peers.
Relationships formed during adolescence and early adulthood - Children entering adolescence
must begin to adapt to the adult world and its institutions while coming to terms with emerging
parts of themselves. They discover themselves as having new emotional and sexual needs.
Friendships - it can be inferred that the ability to construct such dialogues directly stems
from earlier interactions. The secure infant's sensitive and autonomous personality traits were
reflected in relationships with peers.
Multiple selves - During late adolescence, one must first confront the problem of multiple
selves. For the first time, an adolescent realizes that his or her personality changes from one
situation to the next.
 Self definition through story - During the transformation from adolescence to early
adulthood, a person seeks to discover the self through story in historical and biographical terms.

Structural‐Developmental approach

Temperament dimensions
four basic temperament dimensions present in human beings:
1.Emotionality is the tendency to express negative emotions such as anger and fear frequently
and vigorously.
2.Activity is the degree of physical movement that a person characteristically shows.
3.Impulsivity is the degree to which a person acts quickly without deliberation, moves from one
activity to the next, and finds it difficult to practice self-control.
4.Sociability is the tendency to be outgoing and friendly and to enjoy the company of others

● Activity Level: This is the child’s “idle speed or how active the child is generally.
Does the infant always wiggle, more squirm? Is the infant difficult to diaper because
of this? Is the infant content to sit and quietly watch? Does the child have difficulty
sitting still? Is the child always on the go? Or, does the child prefer sedentary quiet
activities? Highly active children may channel such extra energy into success in
sports; may perform well in high-energy careers and may be able to keep up with
many different responsibilities.
● Distractibility: The degree of concentration and paying attention displayed when a
child is not particularly interested in an activity. This trait refers to the ease with
which external stimuli interfere with ongoing behavior. Is the infant easily distracted
by sounds or sights while drinking a bottle? Is the infant easily soothed when upset
by being offered alternate activity? Does the child become sidetracked easily when
attempting to follow routine or working on some activity? High distractibility is seen
as positive when it is easy to divert a child from an undesirable behavior but seen as
negative when it prevents the child from finishing school work.
● Intensity: The energy level of a response whether positive or negative. Does the
infant react strongly and loudly to everything, even relatively minor events? Does the
child show pleasure or upset strongly and dramatically? Or does the child just get
quiet when upset? Intense children are more likely to have their needs met and may
have depth and delight of emotion rarely experienced by others. These children may
be gifted in dramatic arts. Intense children tend to be exhausting to live with.
● Regularity: The trait refers to the predictability of biological functions like appetite
and sleep. Does the child get hungry or tired at predictable times? Or, is the child
unpredictable in terms of hunger and tiredness? As grown-ups irregular individuals
may do better than others with traveling as well as be likely to adapt to careers with
unusual working hours.
● Sensory Threshold: Related to how sensitive this child is to physical stimuli. It is the
amount of stimulation (sounds, tastes, touch, temperature changes) needed to
 produce a response in the child. Does the child react positively or negatively to
particular sounds? Does the child startle easily to sounds? Is the child a picky eater
or will he eat almost anything? Does the child respond positively or negatively to the
feel of clothing? Highly sensitive individuals are more likely to be artistic and
creative.
● Approach/Withdrawal: Refers to the child’s characteristic response to a new
situation or strangers. Does the child eagerly approach new situations or people? Or
does the child seem hesitant and resistant when faced with new situations, people or
things? Slow-to-warm up children tend to think before they act. They are less likely to
act impulsively during adolescence.
● Adaptability: Related to how easily the child adapts to transitions and changes, like
switching to a new activity. Does the child have difficulty with changes in routines, or
with transitions from one activity to another? Does the child take a long time to
become comfortable to new situations? A slow-to-adapt child is less likely to rush
into dangerous situations, and may be less influenced by peer pressure.
● Persistence: This is the length of time a child continues in activities in the face of
obstacles. Does the child continue to work on a puzzle when he has difficulty with it
or does he just move on to another activity? Is the child able to wait to have his
needs met? Does the child react strongly when interrupted in an activity? When a
child persists in an activity he is asked to stop, he is labeled as stubborn. When a
child stays with a tough puzzle he is seen a being patient. The highly persistent child
is more likely to succeed in reaching goals. A child with low persistence may develop
strong social skills because he realizes other people can help.
● Mood: This is the tendency to react to the world primarily in a positive or negative
way. Does the child see the glass as half full? Does he focus on the positive aspects
of life? Is the child generally in a happy mood? Or, does the child see the gall as half
empty and tend to focus on the negative aspects of life? Is the child generally
serious? Serious children tend to be analytical and evaluate situations carefully

Triangle of Love (Lesson 5, Sternberg reading) also on page 246 in our textbook
This theory encompasses three parts: intimacy, passion and decision/commitment. All three are
necessary for someone to feel love and how much of each will affect the kind of love a person
experiences. Intimacy provides the bonding and comfort. Passion, the sexual drive and romance. And
decision/commitment the choice to remain with a certain individual.

Types of loneliness (Lesson 11, Int. Relationships 3rd ed.)

Social Isolation- People are lonely because they lack a social network of friends and
acquaintances.
Emotional Isolation- People lack a single intense relationship.

What is loneliness ( lesson 11 Relationship 3rd ed.): Has been defined as a feeling of
deprivation and dissatisfaction produced by a discrepancy between the kind of social relations
we want and the kind of social relations we have. Wwe feel lonely when are alone if we would
rather be with someone or if we are with people and want to be with other people. to feel lonely
is to join the rest of humanity in acknowledging that we are somehow fundamentally separated
from each other, doomed to speak and yet never fully understood. It occurs when we want more
or more satisfying connections with others than we presently have.
There are 2 kinds:
1. Social isolation: people are dissatisfied and lonely because they lack a social network of
friend and acquaintances
2. Emotional Isolation: people are dissatisfied and lonely because they lack a single
intense relationship.
Women’s marital happiness factors vs. men’s marital happiness factors