HOW THE HUMAN BEHAVIOUR REACT WITH ACT AND

WITNESSING OF INFIDELITY?

INTRODUCTION

Perhaps no other feeling is as painful as being cheated on by someone you love. The fact that the love
and trust you willingly gave someone ended up getting thrown down the drain can be utterly
disappointing. When you find out about infidelity, you will surely have a lot of complicated feelings to
sort through, but keeping these things in mind will help you move forward.

Accept the reality

Yes, it has happened to you and shock, agitation, pain, depression and confusion are natural emotions
that will affect you. It may feel like an emotional rollercoaster ride for days, weeks, months or even a
few years, as it takes time to get beyond an unfaithful mate, but it’s pertinent to think decisions
through, enact a plan, and begin the healing process. From exercising, indulging in a hobby and playing a
sport to meeting old friends and going on vacations — you need to do anything that helps you sleep
well. “I went into depression, but my friends and family helped me cope. I also sought advice from
mental health experts. Since I was engaged to this man, I felt guilty and embarrassed in front of my
family. I thought of quitting my job and returning to my hometown. But I tried soaking myself in work. I
also started painting and writing poems, which helped me vent my pain and frustration,” says Kavita
Chakraborty (name changed), a Mumbai-based media professional.

Hard to trust in the future

Being cheated on in a relationship often leads to distrust when you start dating someone again, and it’s
a natural emotion. So when you start dating again, you are equipped to look at the bigger picture as far
as your partner’s behaviour is concerned. Saksham Srivastava, who works for an NGO, says that he was
cheated on by his partner, who he started dating in college. “After being cheated on, it took me two
years to recover from the phase of not trusting the concept of love and healthy relationships. I quit my
job and decided to sit at home for three months to figure things out, personally and professionally. This
break helped, but intense distrust in love in general continued well into the beginning of my next
relationship. I’m two years into a relationship, but distrust still exists. And I don’t expect it to go away
anytime soon. I feel I am better equipped to handle such a situation now; it won’t kill me like the last
time if my romantic partner decides to cheat on me,” says Saksham.

Seek help
Though you may not realise, but being cheated on leaves you mentally injured. And it’s important to
heal yourself to be normal. Be around family and close friends, who can help you feel better. And if the
problem doesn’t subside even then, don’t shy away from seeking help from a mental health
professional.

Fight it right

Since you are emotionally shattered, it’s a good idea to focus on other things — be it work or activities
you enjoy. Sometimes, a broken heart gives you the strength to excel professionally. Also, a
disheartened state sometimes gives you the impetus to do things that you otherwise wouldn’t

“I was cheated on by my partner a couple of years ago. She was cheating on me for the entire duration
of our relationship. I found out when I read her text messages when she had accidentally left her phone
with me to book a cab. When I confronted her, she bluntly denied it and when I met her next, the
messages were wiped out. I went through mental trauma for a few months. I decided to move out of the
relationship as things were getting toxic. I focused all my attention towards work. I started something of
my own. Soon, my professional success became a healing factor,” says Jeremy Cabral, founder of a
fashion portal. While some manage to get out of the emotional trauma by focusing on work, others try
out other things. “I quit my job to take time to stabilise. I became over-social, turned to music, took
multiple solo leisure trips, got closer to friends, took up long-distance running seriously and ran four half
marathons. This helped me heal” says Saksham.

Avoid rash decisions

Being betrayed is bound to induce rage. Your natural instinct would push you towards punishing your
partner. Take a breath before you do anything irreversible. Revengeful actions might give you temporary
satisfaction, but ultimately, they will worsen your emotional health rather than helping you move on.
“We were engaged, but he was also seeing one of his colleagues from office. He cheated on me for a
year. We were in a relationship for four years, but in the last one year, he started ignoring me and
keeping distance. After breaking our engagement, I never confronted him because he had demeaned my
love and lost my trust. So, I let him go without taking any revenge or confrontation,” says Kavita.

Avoid the blame game and try not to play the victim. After you confront the person, don’t waste your
energy on him or her anymore; move on. “My partner was cheating on me for almost two years. He was
dating another girl simultaneously. When I found out, I was furious. Though I wanted to expose him, I
felt that spending another second on that man would be a waste of energy. So after I confronted him, I
decided to not see him again. Since I had a supportive family and friends, I healed soon,” says Riya
Sharma from Mumbai.

Express yourself freely

People often don’t give themselves the time to be in the emotions and feel them. Relationship experts
say that if you feel like crying, let yourself go into that ugly cry. One of the toughest parts of the initial
stages of being cheated on is that you may feel lonely. Don’t try to cope with unfaithfulness alone. If
talking your heart out to your best friend, sibling or family member, who you know can be supportive
and free of judgment, makes you feel better, do that. It’s wise to see a counsellor or therapist who can
help you get responses to unanswered questions or can suggest you the way forward. “Counselling
helps you accept the fact that the other person has vulnerabilities and is human. Initially, we allow the
person to ventilate and pour out their frustrations. We tell them to consider forgiveness and and
understand the circumstances that could lead to infidelity. There is hurt as one starts thinking that he or
she is substituted. It takes a long time and quite a few sessions to understand and accept that it is
nothing to do with their weakness,” says Dr Nirmala Rao, psychiatrist.

Avoid social media

“Reacting on social media and writing about how much you hate your partner won’t help you. In fact, it
will garner unnecessary attention on your personal life. Comments from your social-media friends will
only aggravate your sadness and rage,” says Dr Rohann Bokdawala, psychiatrist. On the contrary, if you
are trying to cope by catching up with friends, don’t post fake, happy photos to get your partner jealous
or to show him or her that you’re fine. Stay offline, instead. Keep your business to yourself and give
yourself some time to get over the shock.

Take care of yourself

It’s natural that your interest from everything has got uprooted because you really loved him or her, but
remember, that person was just a part of your life. So before you give up eating, start consuming
excessive alcohol or ignore your fitness and beauty routines because ‘there’s no one to do it for’, think
twice. Stress, ignoring your health, not eating properly or consuming unhealthy food, can have physical
reactions such as nausea, diarrhoea, insomnia, shakiness or difficulty concentrating. Once the initial
shock has passed, address your physical and logistical needs. Ensure that your existence and health is
not compromised. Accepting the reality and setting your priorities can help you heal.

Why infidelity happened

If your husband or wife has cheated on you, make sure you listen and don’t make assumptions. Though
hearing specific details about infidelity will prick you, make sure you hear them out to understand why it
happened. If your partner is guilty and the situation seems genuine, you might want to give your
relationship a second chance. “My husband started seeing his secretary. When I found out, I was furious.
I was upset that despite sharing such a great bond, this happened to me. When I spoke to my husband
about it, he was ashamed. He apologised and promised that he would never do that again. We were
married for 13 years and had two daughters. Giving our marriage a second chance was worth it,” says
Kanika Khanna (name changed).

Plan communication

If you have found out about infidelity and you are living with family, you may have to pretend that
everything is normal and you would even talk to your partner in front of your children. You might
scream at each other or might give him or her a silent treatment, but make sure that whatever you do is
your choice. You shouldn’t be under any pressure. Communication is important. So whether you want to
sit down with your partner and discuss the situation calmly, see a therapist or call it quits — it’s
important to talk and take the decision.

When children are involved

You are hurt that your partner damaged your relationship. When a child is involved, cheating becomes
that much more difficult and destructive. Until you take a call about your marriage, talk to him or her
about what and how you will tell your kids about the situation. You can be honest with them, but avoid
sharing details that might be distressing for them to hear. If you sacrifice your needs thinking about your
kids’ future, that won’t benefit anyone. In today’s day and age, multiple family arrangements can be
worked out. So keep your mind open and ask yourself what you want to do and how you want to take
the relationship forward.

Don’t blame yourself

Your partner cheated on you and it was their call. You shouldn’t take it out on yourself. Your partner was
committed to you, and no matter what the situation was, if he or she went behind your back and turned
unfaithful, it’s their fault. Don’t blame yourself or feel responsible for being in the situation. Face the
situation bravely and find a way to come out of it.

CONCLUSION

Every relationship needs the two Cs — connection and communication. And yet, ironically, this is also
what might just be the thing that casts things into a downspiral between a couple. For, too much
dependency on gadgets and the online world takes away from real, interpersonal communication.
Studies have reiterated why couples need to take that digital detox, especially when they are spending
time together. We reiterate the rationale.

1) Face it. Technology is distracting. It has its perks, sure, like getting a mail that the office has just sent
you, receiving a message from your mom or dad etc. But other than crucial messages, if you are with
your significant other, keep those pings and notification beeps to a minimum. Just go with the gadget on
‘mute’.

2) It definitely robs you of the present. Nimisha Gautam, Andheri-based executive, who recently did the
glass-floor sky walk on a holiday at the Grand Canyon, says, “Here we were on this horseshoe-shaped
path 4,000 feet above the ground and it was thrilling. While we were rivetted, I saw a couple constantly
trying to get connectivity instead of enjoying the view. They totally lost out on the present.”

3) That alone-time, minus technology, allows you to refresh and recharge your mind. It lets you think
and speak right with your partner, without any stress playing at the back of the mind.
4) It improves the manner in which you relate to someone, too. Advises Prachi Mehta, counsellor,
“Instead of a virtual smiley and hug, you can send a real one. Face-to-face communication brings about
more spontaneous fun.”

5) A digital detox also makes you calmer and pleasanter as you interact. People are often known to get
into panic mode for reasons like a low battery and their phone dying. Many are so wired up that they
even experience ‘phantom vibrations’, which is about feeling that the phone is ringing when it’s actually
not