Working with Difficult People

by Muriel Solomon
Copyright © 2002 by Muriel Solomon
Used by arrangement with Prentice Hall Press, a division of Penguin Group (USA), Inc.
336 pages

Focus Take-Aways
Leadership & Management • Adopt the right perspective about difficult people. Realize that their actions aren’t
Strategy personal. In fact, with them, nothing is personal.
Sales & Marketing
• If people attack you, put your hurt feelings aside. Plan a constructive response.
Finance
Human Resources
• Don’t expect contentious people to change – they never will. On the plus side, this
makes them predictable.
IT, Production & Logistics
Career Development • Let people know that their actions or negative attitudes hurt you. They may have
Small Business upset you unintentionally.
Economics & Politics • Ask for feedback on how the boss and others in your organization feel about you.
Industries Use open-ended questions to elicit the most meaningful responses.
Intercultural Management • Never make the problems between you and someone else into a personal
Concepts & Trends matter. Frame disputes in the context of procedures, policies and goals.
• Be direct and discrete regarding all personal disagreements at work.
• To avoid misunderstandings and future backsliding, get everything in writing.
• Be calm and professional when contending with others. Insist on respectful treatment.
• Never respond with rudeness or incivility when people transgress against you. If
you do, they win.

Rating (10 is best)

Overall Applicability Innovation Style

8 10 7 9

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 Relevance

What You Will Learn

In this Abstract, you will learn: 1) What types of difficult people you may encounter at
work; 2) How they can harm you; and 3) How to deal with them.

Recommendation
What is it about the human race? To paraphrase Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy
LaSorda, 80% of people don’t want to hear about your problems, and the other 20% are
happy you’re having trouble. Those 20%, that is the backstabbers, saboteurs, sadists, know-
it-alls, insulters and hotheads, are the subject of Muriel Solomon’s street-smart book. In
it, the self-dubbed “strategic talking” expert categorizes many types of difficult people
you might encounter at work. To make the book very applicable, she introduces each
personality, explains why such individuals think as they do, how you are likely to react
to their behavior, and what strategies you can use to protect yourself. Unless you work
alone, getAbstract expects that you, like most team players, probably have your hands full
dealing with a complete chorus of “false hounds” and “rascally knaves.” This book can
help you minimize their damage. Since you can’t always get away from such people, you
might as well learn how to put them in their place diplomatically. Or, if that doesn’t work,
you can quote Shakespeare: “I do desire we may be better strangers.” Forsooth.

Abstract

In a Personal Spat, Avoid Tit-for-Tat

When someone at work transgresses against you, reacting with hurt and anger is only
“No matter how natural. However, these emotions will keep you from thinking clearly, which is what
bright you are,
being angry, hurt
you most need to do when attacked. How should you respond when someone insults or
or disappointed browbeats you? Keep the high ground. Do not respond in kind. You always lose when
blocks your good you get down in the mud with an aggressor. Instead, stay calm. Count to 10. Gather your
judgment.” wits. Then plan a strategic response that will let you mitigate the situation and protect
yourself against future attacks. Read the following roster to identify some of the many
contentious personality types you may bump up against at work and to gain some ideas
on how to deal with them so they can’t do you any lasting harm.

Hostile People
Angry people are burdened with numerous personal problems. This makes them
“What do people depressed and constantly steamed. They cannot feel good unless they make you angry as
with personal well. Count on them to look hard for your weak point and to attack you there. Someone
problems do when with a belligerent personality makes a very problematic supervisor. The best way to deal
they go to work? with an angry boss is to avoid losing your temper. Speak up for yourself. Don’t be afraid;
They pack up
their troubles in
you can defend yourself without seeming insubordinate. Demonstrating weakness to a
an old attaché bullying boss is like tossing red meat into a shark tank. Look the boss in the eye and
case and growl, inform him or her that you expect to be treated with respect. Use self-confidence and a
growl, growl.” friendly manner to deflect and defuse your boss’s anger. Maintain your self-esteem.
Don’t let angry colleagues push your buttons. Maintain a professional attitude even
if they don’t. Angry people love to argue. Don’t fall into their trap. Stay cool, calm
and collected. They are not arguing to prove their points, but to rattle you. Try to find
Working with Difficult People © Copyright 2008 getAbstract 2 of 5
 out what set off a tantrum, but wait until it blows over. Calmly discuss any problems.
Demonstrate through your attitudes and actions that you want the employee to feel less
“Learn to stand frustrated at work. Some angry subordinates stifle their feelings but surreptitiously try
up for yourself and to screw things up. To head off trouble, make sure angry workers are respected and
express your anger included. They are less likely to trash the team if they feel ownership.
in a positive way.”
Pushy People
People who are pushy want to be liked, but because they insist on getting their way,
they’re caught in a trap. People avoid them, so they feel more isolated and push harder.
Never take things personally with arrogant people. They are this way with everyone. If
your boss is pushy, try to maneuver so he or she feels that your good ideas are his or her
good ideas. Arrogant colleagues want to jam their ideas down your throat. Don’t let them.
Show that you are not a doormat. This is just as important regarding your supervisors as
it is regarding the people who work for you. Don’t let pushy subordinates bend the rules.
Such people will try to get others to join in to subvert your authority. Head this off by
“You can’t reason being solicitous toward all of your direct reports. Be open and accessible. If you notice a
with the enraged.”
potentially subversive clique forming, reassign some of the members to other teams, or
change their lunch and break times. That will make it harder for them to connive with
each other. Arrogant workers can be particularly hard on their co-workers. Let bullies
know that you will stand up for the employees whom they push around.

Deceitful People
You never know what liars are trying to pull. They will cheat, distort facts and try to dupe
you at every turn. Hypocritical people are always two-faced. They act positively toward
you when you’re around, but try to sell you down the river when you’re not. Your goal is
to get straightforward input in all of your dealings with dishonest people. Question them
“Pushy or
presumptuous
so they must provide direct answers. Do you have a deceitful boss? If so, ask him or her
types must run to put any important work orders or concerns in writing or to announce them in public.
the show and That makes it difficult for the boss to wiggle out of a commitment. If the boss backpedals
may not realize on a promise, speak directly to him or her in a calm, professional manner to make it clear
they’ve also run
that you expect promises to be honored. Deceitful colleagues will try to appropriate your
over your feelings.”
good ideas, steal the credit and profit from your mistakes. Confrontation with such liars
always backfires. To avoid problems, protect your valuable ideas; don’t share them with
people who will try to take them. Never let backstabbers get away with sneaky efforts to
make you look bad. Confront them directly. That’s the only way they will behave.

Shrewd People
Manipulative individuals are seldom forthright and above-board. They do their best
to exploit you. Watch for body language signals that help you understand this kind of
individual. Is your boss a whip-cracking, exploitative person who will pile on as much
work as possible? If so, insist on getting all your assignments prioritized in writing.
“When we try
to influence Manipulative colleagues will do their best to shunt their responsibilities to you and to
others, we call make you feel guilty for saying no. See their game clearly. Learn to say no to manipulators.
it persuasion. Many people find it difficult to deny others, so this may take some practice beforehand.
When other people Try saying no in front of a mirror at home. Record yourself to see how you sound. If you
try to influence
us, we call it
come across as squeaky and timid, practice some more. Watch out for colleagues who
manipulation.” want to con you. They may try to get you to reveal competitive secrets or to support some
questionable work initiative. Do not get caught in that web. When someone attempts
to put you on the spot, ask hard-hitting questions to learn what your slick colleague is
trying to pull. He or she will quickly move on to someone else.
Working with Difficult People © Copyright 2008 getAbstract 3 of 5
 Rude People
Some people seem to go out of their way to be rude. No one else matters to them. They
“Rudeness is a
will walk all over you if you let them. They might ridicule and criticize you about your
vicious cycle that work, talk down to you or openly insult you. When you deal with discourteous people,
starts at the top never sink to their level. Carry yourself as a person worthy of respect. If a boss is being
and eventually rude or mocking, schedule a meeting to ask exactly what he or she hopes to have you
permeates every do. Explain that displaying such disrespect in the workplace is extremely inappropriate
strata of the
organization.” – and ask the boss to stop. If a colleague is hurling insults, find out why. Make it clear
that you will not accept insults. Establish clear boundaries defining acceptable behavior.
If a subordinate is openly defiant, have a conversation. Get everything out on the table.
If you are at fault, apologize and discontinue the provocative behavior. If not, explain
in a calm, professional manner that any further inappropriate insubordination will have
negative consequences, up to and including dismissal.

Egotistical People
Some people are convinced they are much better and more important than others. When
“Bosses who
vacillate can dealing with such individuals, your natural tendency will be to expose their self-centeredness
be bolstered by to everyone. This is a wasted effort. They will never change and you will make them
receiving clear, your enemies. Egotistical bosses may ignore or discount your good ideas. They may brush
concise, pertinent you off if you approach them for assistance. Many conceited people are grandstanders
information.”
and show-offs. They act superior and snub other people. Since egotists are self-contained
universes, they can damage you only if you let them. If you have a healthy sense of self-
worth, their snobbery and nose-in-the-air attitudes will come across as what they are –
silly and sad. Know-it-all colleagues or subordinates can be particularly aggravating. They
often do have useful knowledge, so ask them about their information. Use penetrating
questions that demand specific, quantifiable answers. Check what they say with your own
independent research. However, do not challenge them in a direct or confrontational style.
Instead, offer your own data in an objective, detached manner.
“Fear, false pride,
annoyance and
anger are largely Procrastinating People
responsible for People who put things off have self-esteem issues. Since they doubt themselves and fear
subordinates’ making mistakes, they are reluctant to move ahead. They claim they do not have time
acting rigid to do more, but in truth they are frustrated and fearful that they can’t handle new tasks
and obstinate.”
or might fail. Bosses who always put things off can drive their direct reports crazy. The
best way to handle them is to back off and quit pushing. Ask for a meeting only when
you are confident that the boss is ready to discuss why he or she is being a bottleneck
on your project, whether deliberately or not. Help your boss feel comfortable enough
with you to speak openly. Ask nonthreatening questions in an indirect way. Pay close
attention to the boss’s demeanor and body language; discern what he or she isn’t saying
by reading the boss’s gestures, facial expressions and tone. You also might have trouble
with perfectionist colleagues and subordinates who delay projects because nothing is
“When colleagues ever good enough. Explain that the “perfect is the enemy of the good.” Dawdlers are
find fault, you can
accept the fact that
great fence-sitters and time-wasters. Help them become better organized. Establish firm
someone disagrees deadlines with such slowpokes and do not waver. Use performance-based incentive
with you without programs. Teach your employees how to break a project down into manageable parts.
accepting the
criticism itself.”
Rigid People
Many bosses have a “my way or the highway” attitude and are unwilling to follow anyone
else’s suggestions. They become so controlling and immersed in minor details that they
Working with Difficult People © Copyright 2008 getAbstract 4 of 5
 lose sight of the big picture. You cannot tell them anything, because they will not hear you.
If you speak up, they immediately go on the defensive and later they hold grudges about
your insubordination. To persuade rigid bosses, provide authoritative information that
they can trust. Try to understand how your boss, with his or her additional responsibilities
and concerns, views things. Offer proposals with this viewpoint in mind. Pigheaded
bosses are often determined to keep things on track even if the path leads straight off a
cliff. With this type of boss, learn how to avoid being the recipient of direct instructions,
“Put problem but try not to seem insubordinate. Focus your efforts on solving problems that confront
people in proper your boss. If your boss will not budge on a matter that you question, strictly adhere to
perspective.” his or her direct instructions, but get them in writing. Document all your work to protect
yourself. Keep your fingers crossed: Sooner or later the corporate meat grinder may turn
your pigheaded boss into sausage.

Tight-Lipped People
Getting along with people who never speak is simply difficult. You have no idea how
they feel. Maybe they’re taciturn because they’re contemplative and spend a great deal of
time thinking before speaking. Or maybe they clam up because they’re afraid of saying
the wrong thing. Warming up an uncommunicative iceberg boss is a tough chore. Try to
establish trust. Show your boss that you are dependable and friendly. If your boss refuses to
face things, try to find some way to get him or her to commit. Evaders dread confrontations,
so explain your proposal or plan calmly, collegially and carefully. If the boss has no clear
objections, proceed – but only little by little. You might call this the fait-accompli approach.
Some subordinates are not only tight-lipped; they also have a habit of glaring at you like
“Don’t expect
difficult people
you stole something from them. Get such a person to dial down their hostile feelings by
to change.” providing an opportunity for him or her to open up and tell you what is wrong.

Critical People
No matter what you do, you can’t please some people. Bake them a cake and they’ll
be mad that you didn’t bring ice cream. Such individuals criticize other people all
day long. They are always right; everyone else is always wrong. Critical bosses are
inveterate faultfinders and nitpickers. Your best strategy is to stay out of the way. If this
is impossible (and it usually is), never criticize your boss directly. He or she will pink-
slip you in a minute. When the boss criticizes you, try to defuse the situation quickly
by saying thanks for the “helpful input.” Always pay close attention to the instructions
and guidance that a critical boss provides. Fail to do so and you’re a dead duck. Is your
boss a “hanging judge,” that is, someone who is always ready to assume the worst about
you without the facts? If so, put away your hurt feelings. They are meaningless to such
a person. Demonstrate by your demeanor that you’re confident the boss’s attitude will
“Refuse to change once all the information is available. Show that you remain on the boss’s side
be used.” despite his or her (unjust) suspicions or accusations against you. Whatever you do, don’t
attempt to bring things to a head. Leave your boss the psychological space to get back
on your side once he or she cools down.

About the Author

Muriel Solomon writes books on conflict, cooperation and related business issues.
Solomon lectures often about her “strategic talking” approach to help people get the
results they want at work.
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