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Table Of Contents

Introduction ............................................................... 3

The Spice Of Life ............................................................... 5

Four Simple Steps ............................................................... 8

What Does Your Woman Want? ............................................................... 9

Her On Top ............................................................... 10

You On Top ............................................................... 11

Schoolgirl (and Spankings?) ............................................................... 11

No Strings Attached ............................................................... 12

The Other Woman ............................................................... 12

Two Guys Are Better Than One ............................................................... 14

Playing Voyeur ............................................................... 15

Someone’s Watching ............................................................... 16

The Working Girl ............................................................... 18

Ravishment ............................................................... 18

Get Your Fantasies Fulfilled! ............................................................... 21

References ............................................................... 24

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Introduction
Sex. Even if you aren’t the stereotypical male who thinks about sex constantly,
chances are it occupies a great deal of your mental real estate. And it may not
seem like it, but the same is probably true of your lover! Believe it or not, women
do think about sex plenty. On average, men muse on making love about once
every hour, and women once every two or so. It may seem like a huge gap, but in
reality, you are both thinking about sex several times a day.

We are fascinated by everything to do with the mysterious, wondrous world of

sexuality, but sometimes it can be hard to pin down exactly what “sex” means to
others, especially to our most intimate partners. Sometimes it can be hard even
to define sex for ourselves, let alone our lovers! But this is absolutely crucial
when it comes to getting more sex. How can you have more of something if you
don’t know what that something is?

Let’s start with a very short exercise.

What specific activities come to mind when you read that word, sex? If you were
going to “have sex” with you partner tonight, what would that mean? Is there
a specific set of requirements for it to qualify in your head? How do you know
when sex has happened?

If your picture of sex is the same missionary position over and over again for the
rest of your life (and you’re totally happy with that), than you probably don’t
need this book.

But, if like most people, you yearn for more variety and adventure in your sexual
connections, I am here to help. The first step in making that work for you is to
open your mind up a little bit to what “sex” actually means for you both.

For a lot of guys, sex only happens when they get inside someone and have their
own orgasm. And for many of the same guys, it doesn’t really matter one way or
another if their lover gets off. So let’s start there. Performing oral sex on your
partner, that’s sex. Manual stimulation is sex. Mutual masturbation is sex. And
for a lot of women, these activities are by and far more likely to make your lover
come than anything that involves your penis. If you aren’t going to feel satisfied
with the activities that get your lover off, why would she have the confidence to
ask for them?

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This might not be easy, but it is simple. Follow the step-by-step techniques I
offer up in this book and you will be well on your way to changing the attitudes
about sex that pervade your relationship and following a new path towards
sexual satisfaction. The techniques here are all about adding more excitement
to your life. First you will start with making your mundane life sexier and more
exciting outside of the bedroom. Then you’ll move on to techniques that help
you fulfill some of her fantasies, before finally getting to the part where you
have some of your own fantasies fulfilled.

You might feel like getting your lover to open up to new experiences is like
pulling teeth, but the truth of the matter is, most women are just waiting for
the opportunity to try out something new! I’ve already explained that women
think about sex at least a half dozen times a day. You don’t really think she’s
fantasizing about the same boring thing over and over again, do you?

For starters, a majority of women are interested in kink. Back in the 90s, studies
showed that at least 25% of men and women were into kink. And that was

“ Most women are just

waiting for the opportunity
to try out something new!”

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long before Fifty Shades of Grey got
everyone hot and bothered about
the possibilities of pain and pleasure. The more sexual tricks
Undoubtedly those numbers are much
higher now. The big picture was that
you try together,
men and women were into kinky sex in the more likely you
equal numbers.
are to hit on just the
And studies tell us that kinky couples right combo to give
don’t just have better sex than the
ones who stick to the same boring
her the Big O she so
routine, but they have better desperately deserves.
relationships as well. Couples who can
talk about the sex that brings them joy
and pleasure in the bedroom, talk about all the other important things as well.

Undoubtedly, women who explore a greater number of sexual activities also

experience more orgasms. Science says it, so it must be true! But seriously,
though, it stands to reason. The more sexual tricks you try together, the
more likely you are to hit on just the right combo to give her the Big O she so
desperately deserves.

And she does deserve it, doesn’t she? How long have you been trying to figure
out exactly how to please her, how to bring the adventures back into your
relationship? Too long. Now is your chance to take the happiness and fulfillment
of your relationship into your own hands and make a real difference in your sex
life.

The Spice of Life

This is the real trick. You are never going to spice up your sex life if your every
day is boring, bland and absolutely mundane. If you want some excitement in
the sack, you need to bring the spark back into your relationship with a bit of
adventure and a touch of the taboo. What sorts of things still get your blood
pumping?

The most important thing about bringing new adventures into your relationship
is the emotion. You need to make each other feel again, in a real and authentic

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way. Laugh, cry, scream, sigh. Feel something powerful, something that gets
your hormones surging and your brain making all new connections.
Here are just a few ideas for non-sexual ways you can bring this spark back into
your relationship and work up the will, in both of you, to try some freaky new
things.

1. Fear: it may sound counter-intuitive, but some kinds of fear can really
spice things up. Something that gets your adrenaline pumping without
sparking your anger or distrust, like skydiving or riding a roller-coaster.
What gets you so excited that it almost makes you pee your pants? That’s
what you’re aiming for.

2. Secrets: everyone has them. You might not even realize what sorts of
secrets are hiding in your mind, but sharing a secret dream or a story
from your past can bring up a lot of intense emotions, feelings that will
undoubtedly bring you closer together.

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3. Competition: a little bit of a sexy wager, a rough and tumble sport, a
head-to-head game of chess, a round or three of strip poker - what riles up
your competitive spirit? Competition isn’t always healthy. When it comes
to money, beauty, or anything that might cause strife or stress in your
relationship, competition is best left alone. But a little bit of friendly game
play can go a long way!

4. Risk: the key to getting that perfect adrenaline rush, to finding new
limits, new kinds of ecstasy in your like and your relationship, is pushing
boundaries. What can you do to go beyond the edges of normal and
boring, into something extraordinary?

5. Nostalgia: sometimes the best tool you have to find your way back to the
most exciting times in your relationship is your history. What used to get
the two of you going in the past? What did you do on some of your earliest
dates that make your skin tingle and caught your hearts on fire?

6. New Eyes: second best to going back into your history is to look into your
future. Or, alternatively, go even further back into your history, before you
new each other. Try to look at each other as strangers just starting to fall
in love. Pretend you don’t know each other inside and out. What you might
find is that this “blank slate” condition actually helps you to discover new
things about each other that were hiding there the whole time.

7. Technology: you might be amazed at how a few romantic emails, or some

sexy text messages, can spice up your sex life and allow you to discover
new fantasies that you didn’t realize you or your lover had! Keeping in
touch throughout the day, even if it’s just to tell each other how much you
love and appreciate your relationship.

8. Adventure: the final frontier! That’s what all of this is really about, isn’t
it? Finding your sense of adventure again. Where did it go? My favourite
definition of the word goes a little something like this: “daring and exciting
activity calling for enterprise and enthusiasm.” What gets you enthusiastic?
What fills your brain with new ideas?

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Four Simple Steps
Even if you can’t pinpoint the exact moment that things started to get boring in
your life or in your relationship, you can follow these four simple steps today, to
bring this sense of adventure back into your relationships and to hopefully find
it’s way into your sex life.

a) Let go of your expectations. Except for one: expect to make mistakes.

This is pretty simple. The less you are invested in the outcome of your little
adventure, the less you will need to worry about not getting what you
want! A wise man once told me that you know you’ve had an adventure
because it’s only really fun after the fact. Fun is fun for fun’s sake, all
about the pleasure of the action. Adventures are about making amazing
memories, building intimacy, gaining knowledge and experience.

b) Try something new. If all you ever do is play inside the lines of your
existing routine, nothing is every going to change. If you want to have
an adventure, you need to do something different. Get outside, do what
you love, spend time alone and together. Learn how to say yes when
opportunity presents itself. Accept the new things that come to you. Let
them move you.

c) Get interested in other people. I’m not talking about threesomes, or

open relationships, or swinging, or anything like that. Those are certainly
options that we’ll talk about in the next section, but for now, all I’m
asking is that you and your lover take the opportunity to make some new
friends. Having intimate, close relationships outside of the love you share
with your partner helps you to expand your horizons and takes some of
the pressure off your primary relationship. One of the biggest mistakes
couples make is expecting their significant other to be everything to them.
Lover, best friend, provider, confidant, adventurer, business partner - how
can everyone be all these things and still maintain a sense of newness and
desire and physical attraction?

d) Keep a “to try” list and make time for it. This doesn’t have to be, in fact
it shouldn’t be, entirely sexual. Think about your desires on broader terms.
Make a list of all the things you would love to try once in your lifetime, big
and small. Have your lover do the same. Where your lists coincide, there

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 are tons of activities that you can try together. In
the areas where your lists differ, you have the
opportunity to try new things all on your
own, to expand your own horizons and
become someone worth getting excited
about!

What Does Your Woman Want?

This is the big mystery, isn’t it? How do you
try new things with your lover without
seeming like some kind of jerk who is just
pushing his idea of fantasy and expecting
her to fulfill them? The answer, of
course, is to figure out what her fantasy
is and fulfill it.

Start the conversation about mixing

things up in your sex life with her
pleasure in mind. Explain how much
you wan to please her, to give her
more, to do more. Let her know
that you want her to experience
some adventure in her life. Making
your sexual explorations about her
pleasure is your key to enjoying the kind
of exploration you desire.

Talk to her about seeking out some of

her own desires. What does she really
want out of her sex life? What about
romance? Role playing? What does
she think about when she’s alone at
night with her hand between her
legs? What gets her hot? What gets
her off?

According to “Ask Men” these are

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the top ten female sexual fantasies. They might all be on your lover’s list, or
maybe none of them are, but the techniques listed here to help you explore
each of these ten fantasy scenarios will help you learn more about what it takes
to try new things in the bedroom.

1. Her On Top

While most men assume that a woman’s “natural” fantasy is to be dominated,

it turns out that most women are just as keen to do the dominating herself! Of
course, domination doesn’t have to be about whips and chains and kinds of pain.
If you want to bring some delicious female-dominant sex into your relationship,
try one of the less intimidating archetypes.

Let your lover know that you want a night that is

all about her, where she gets to be in complete
control of what you do, when you do it, and
how. She decides when and if
you get to have your desired
release. You will be spending
your time together
worshiping her as the
incredible sex goddess
that she is.

Give her a full-body

massage with
sensual oils. Kiss
her from head
to foot. Go
down on
her for
as long
as
she

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desires. Let her tease and tantalize your body until you are begging her for
release. Then let her decide what happens next. It’s all about her pleasure.

2. You On Top

This is what you were thinking about when we first started talking about BDSM,
right? You in control, you taking her in whatever way you desire. Of course, as
with anything, there are limits.

In fact, anytime that you are playing with your boundaries, learning new sexual
skills, or trying anything new, you need to take safety and consent seriously in
mind. Safe words are incredibly important in these endeavors, so be sure you
have one in place. And pay close attention to each other. Be sure that your lover
knows that this is about both of you sharing pleasure, that she should never
feel pressured into doing something she doesn’t want to do, out of a desire to
please you.

Ultimately this kind of fantasy is about some hard and fast fucking. There, I said
it. I’m not being crude. Sometimes this is just what a woman wants!

3. Schoolgirl (and Spankings?)

The schoolgirl fantasy can go any number of ways. Did she have a preference
between the “her on top” or the “you on top” varieties? You can play it one way,
or another, or both ways if that’s what floats your boat!

One way, she is a terribly naughty school girl with a stern disciplinarian for a
teacher. She doesn’t pay attention in class. She has no respect for authority. And
it’s your job to teach her a lesson in a way that will really get through to her.
You know just how to do that, don’t you? A stern talking to isn’t going to cut it,
though it’s a pretty good start. In this “him on top” version, you can play with
using some dirty language, maybe a little bit of playful punishment, taking her
over your knee and turning her cute butt red.

On the other hand, you can turn the tables and put her in control. This naughty
schoolgirl isn’t getting the grades she thinks she deserves. And boy, does she
ever know how to get what she wants. Teasing teacher all through class, she
gets up in your lap and does her thing, tantalizing you with her youthful wiles

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until you are ready to give her everything she wants and more, to get that thing
her body makes you want so badly.

Whether she is losing control, or taking it, this little role play holds all kinds of
possibilities to spice things up.

4. No Strings Attached

This fantasy is all about that thing I was talking about earlier, the blank slate.
Looking at each other with fresh eyes. Sometimes it is just incredibly hot to
fantasize about going home with a stranger, never having to know the details, to
fuss about the little things, to worry about what he’s thinking or what he wants.

You can play a Of course, most women don’t act on

this fantasy. The world we live in isn’t
role, pretend to be particularly kind to women who take their
strangers to one sexuality into the own hands. Casual sex
isn’t just generally looked down on for
another while you women, but it can be downright dangerous.
enjoy those things you
And even if a woman isn’t worried about
do know about each her personal safety with a stranger, she can
other. reasonably expect that whatever kind of sex
she’ll have with a stranger, who has as little
investment in what she wants as she does
him, will end up being everything he needs to get him off and little to nothing
that does it for her. Needless to say, not often is the risk worth the effort and
likely disappointment.

But with you, it can be totally different. You can play a role, pretend to be
strangers to one another while you enjoy those things you do know about each
other. How to touch in just the right places, to say just the right words. Powerful
stuff!

5. The Other Woman

A little girl on girl experimentation is something that a lot of women fantasize

about, probably almost as much as men do! Here’s the thing. If you want this

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fantasy to fly in your bedroom, you need
to take a backseat. Learn to be a voyeur
and let her have all the fun she wants.
Consider the likely possibility that you
probably won’t get to touch the “other
woman” and be okay with that.

This is really well-paired with the Her

On Top scenario presented at the
beginning of this section. If she
has any interest whatsoever in
being with another woman,
hand over the reigns and
let her at it! She should
pick the woman that
interests her and initiate
the contact. She can set
up the time and the place.

You should be sitting to

the side during the entire
experience. Pull up a chair. Don’t
even go near the bed. If you are
both into it, she might even want
to tie you up. This is about her
pleasure, but she may get a serious
kick knowing that you are watching,
totally turned on, and can’t do
anything about it. She gets to be in
total control.

Her and her new sexy friend can

go at it and do anything they
want to each other. They can
enjoy each other’s bodies for
hours (if it really is going to be
hours, make sure you aren’t
tied tightly with anything

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that could cause a cutting off of blood circulation!) while you sit and watch and
wait.

When the time is right, she can decide one way or another if she wants to
approach you in this scene. She can stimulate you herself while being stimulated
by the other woman. She might invite the other woman to help her out. Anyway
it turns out, it will be entirely up to her to control and direct as it works best for
her.

“
You can tell her again
and again, how incredibly
hot it was to watch her
enjoying herself with her
one-night lover.

And even if neither of them touch you at all during the scene, keep in mind that
this will be hot memories for the both of you for years to come. You can tell her
again and again, how incredibly hot it was to watch her enjoying herself with her
one-night lover.

6. Two Guys Are Better Than One

In this little scenario, you get to have all kinds of fun, if you are willing to
share. There are a few important things you need to know about organizing a
threesome in your relationship.

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For starters, you need to be able to trust the other man. Really, really trust him.
You absolutely, 150% need to know that your partner will be safe with him,
that he isn’t going to get weird or start pursuing your partner behind your back.
You need to know that he will stick to your rules and your boundaries. If you
are lucky enough to live in a place where sex work is legal, this might help you
to find someone trustworthy, safe, and objective. Truly, statistics tell us that
professional sex workers in place where prostitution is a legal profession are
safer and healthier than your average Joe. It’s definitely a safe option.

Speaking of boundaries, you are going to need them. What does your lover want
from a second man in her bedroom? What kind of experience is she looking for
and what are you comfortable with? Is the other man willing to abide by these
particular guidelines?

This game is all about putting twice as much male attention on her as she
gets most of the time. Two sets of hands, to mouths, two different kinds of
penetration. A completely her-intensive scene that can go anywhere from a
double massage to double penetration. What are her limits? Time to find them!

7. Playing Voyeur

If having sex with other people is still a little bit taboo for you, then
exhibitionism and voyeurism are a good way to get started with something a bit
kinky and wild, without having to deal with anyone else’s limits but your own.

You can start your play with porn. This is definitely the low-pressure version of
voyeurism. While the assumption tends to be that women just aren’t into porn,
the reality is that in general, women just aren’t into admitting that they’re into
porn. For many women, the kind of pornography that gets them off is a bit
different than most guys. Even those women who really love the typical kinds
of pornography, they might be a bit intimidated watching it with you. In fact,
watching porn together is a great way to start playing with any kind of kink
and fantasy. Seeing what sorts of videos or images get her off is a great way to
decide on the sorts of fantasies you’ll play with in real life.

Start with some very female-friendly feminist porn. I highly recommend

anything by Erika Lust, who really has it down when it comes to hot, hetero porn
for women. If she’s into BDSM and kink, just about anything by Kink.com will

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do - make sure you go for the full videos, and not just the free online teasers.
The guys and gals at Kink.com do a wonderful job of allowing their actresses to
explain exactly what they enjoy about their scenes before and after the shoot.

Watching porn together can be both incredibly sexy and enlightening. It gives
you the opportunity to fully understand what gets her off. Which parts of porn
movies make her extra hot and what seems to cool her off? Pay close attention!

If pre-recorded porn isn’t quite enough for the two of you, try on-demand web
camming! There are plenty of women or couples who would be happy to get
their gitch off and get down for you on webcam, some for free and some for
pay, depending on what you’re looking for. These sexy folks will do whatever
you want them to do while you and your lover enjoy each other’s bodies in the
privacy of your own home.

Your next step up, when you want to ratchet up the excitement, is sex clubs and
swinging! The thing about swinger’s is you don’t actually have to swing, to play.
If the idea of partner swapping isn’t really for you, but the thought of watching
someone else get down with their lover (and maybe even watch you - we’ll get
to that next) then sex clubs and swinger’s websites are the way to go.

The great thing about sex clubs is that they offer a safe space where you can
play in any way that you want, without worry. Just because you go to a swinger’s
club doesn’t mean you have to swing! You can sit on the sidelines, enjoy each
other’s company, and watch all the action going on in front of you.

If you need something to bridge the gap between porn and swinging, you may
want to take a trip to the nearest city and check out some sexy professionals.
Burlesque shows, strip clubs and even pro sex clubs can offer you a great chance
to get up close and personal with some incredibly hot singles and couples
getting it on just out of reach, with even less pressure to join in the fun, until you
get home all hot and bothered... Or at least out to the car!

8. Someone’s Watching

The thrill of watching can be amazing, but so can the excitement of being
watched! If this is something that gets your lover off, there are plenty of options
available to you - basically everything that we talked about in the last section.

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Make some porn of your own! Take photos, make
videos, web cam with some other sexy folks
online.

You may find that some women are a bit self-

conscious about how her body might look on
camera. Here are a few quick tips for playing
for the camera without having to worry too
much about her body image.

• You don’t have to look at the photos or

videos. Sometimes it’s sexy just to have
the camera running. You can delete
the images right away without even
looking at them, no pressure, no
questions asked, no worries!

• Wear masks. A sexy mardi gras mask

or some heavy makeup will help
keep her anonymous and add some
extra excitement to the play.

• Find an appreciative viewer.

There are plenty of men and
women online who would
be happy to do nothing but
praise the gorgeousness
of you and your lover
while you go at it. Heck,
some people would even be
willing to pay for it! Knowing
that she is sexy enough to get
paid for baring her body, or at
least getting piles of compliments
from viewers, can really help make
her feel a lot better about getting
naked and getting down for the
camera.

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If you want to visit a swinger’s event or a sex club to get off in front
of other people, know that you will want to take a few more
precautions than if you were just going to watch. For starters,
you want to be comfortable and confident about your limits. If
you are going just to be seen, be sure both of you know that.
Practice saying “no” and explaining that you are just there to
enjoy your exhibitionist side. Don’t get offended if people
approach you and your lover, but do be absolutely sure
that you will both have the wherewithal to decline
when that moment comes. Who knows? You may find
that all the attention from other men and women
at the club boosts her confidence enough to try
making some homemade porn, or even going for
a little swinging, if that’s your thing!

9. The Working Girl

This roleplay is another that can go both ways.

She can totally be the one in control, or she can
be at your every whim. Do you want a woman
who knows what she wants and can put a man
in his place with just one look? Or a servant who
will provide you with every desire? A strip tease?
A dirty girl?

The fantasy of the “working girl” has so many

different possibilities - the stripper, the street
walker, the high class escort, the exotic courtesan.
How you play it is up to you!

10. Ravishment

Now we’re getting into some possible iffy

territory. Rape and ravishment force fantasies
are surprisingly popular among women of all
sorts. This isn’t surprising, based on the kind of
culture we live in. The idea may be hot to you
too, but it may also be kind of off-putting, so

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here are some quick tips to help you figure out if this is the kind of fantasy that
will work for the both of you.

a) For starters, you need a safeword. No question. Safewords required, no

questions. You can use a red light / yellow light system if you want to
play especially intricate. Red light means stop everything, end the scene.
Yellow light means slow down, check in, proceed with caution.

You can also just use the word “safeword” if that works for you. The idea
of ravishment fantasy is that she might want to be able to say “no” which
makes safewords extra important. If “no” means “keep going” then you
need something that means “no,” right? Right.

And even with safewords, you need to be totally tuned in to your partner
at all times. You will probably want to work up to ravishment play, because
you will need to be able to tell the difference between the kind of intense
feelings she wants to feel, and the ones that are pushing too far.

If you see any true fear, pain, or paralyses in her eyes, you need to stop
and check in. You can do this with a yellow safe word yourself - they are
not just for your lover to use! Slow down the scene, make sure that she’s
okay and wants to keep going. Don’t expect everything to go perfectly
with your first try and make sure she doesn’t either. You want to spend a
decent amount of time getting to know her facial expressions, her cries
of pleasure and pain, the nuances of every expression. Take your time and
pay attention.

b) Second off, you need to understand the tone of this scene. For most
women, the appeal of ravishment is the idea that a man wants her so
much, so terribly, that he cannot possibly control himself enough to stop,
even if she asks him to. The most likely scenario is one where things are
getting a bit hot and heavy, she maybe resists a little, and you just push on
through. You take her fast, hard, maybe even a little bit rough, like you just
can’t stop yourself.

In addition to the desire to be taken with such immense passion, many

women enjoy the idea of ravishment fantasy because it allows her the
chance to do all kinds of hot, sexy, dirty, filthy, downright nasty stuff

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without any of the guilt of having to express the desire herself. She’s
doing it because you want her to, because you “force” her to, then she’s
off the hook for any of the shame that society likes to throw at sexually
adventurous women.

Of course, there may be a few other scenarios that get her off. Maybe she
likes the idea of being taken by a stranger, a masked man coming into her
bedroom in the middle of the night, the TV repairman taking his payment
any way he wants, a doctor having his way with her while she is a little bit
out of it on the operating table. Maybe she likes the idea of waking up
to you already on top of her in the middle of the night. Maybe she wants
to be tied up. Maybe she even wants to play “sex slave” for an entire
weekend.

Keep in mind that you will want to play somewhere very private. You
don’t want to be driving around with her tied up in the back of your car
for obvious reasons! You don’t want her screaming bloody murder and
having to explain to the police that you are just playing some sexy games!
Keeping things safe means taking precautions not to involve anyone else
in your sex life.

Just because she wants to engage in some ravishment play doesn’t mean
you know exactly what she wants. Take your time figuring it out.

“
Figure out what works for
you and find some common
ground with your lover.

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 c) Finally, keep in mind that this is something that should be sexy for both
of you! If the idea of her telling you “no” during sex, even if you know it’s
what she wants, is still a big turn off, figure out a scene that works for you
too. Maybe it would be hotter for you if you played the “convincing her”
act - she starts off a little bit resistant but eventually you convince her
what a naughty girl she is and how much she really wants the dirty, nasty
things you are going to make her do. Figure out what works for you and
find some common ground with your lover.

If it turns out that ravishment just isn’t your thing, don’t beat yourself up about
it. Try instead playing with other kinds of male dominant sex scenes and see
which ones work for the both of you. Just like you shouldn’t be trying to get her
to do things she isn’t interested in sexually, you shouldn’t force yourself to do
anything you don’t want either.

Get Your Fantasies Fulfilled!

So now you know what sorts of things are likely to float her boat... Are there
still fantasies on your list that you want fulfilled? Maybe you want to try fisting,
or g-spot play, or anal sex, or some extra dirty talk. Maybe you have a really
particular kink.

Whatever your desire, you can use these four simple steps to approach the idea
in your relationship and explore even your deepest, darkest desires.

1. Introducing the Idea: in or out of the bedroom?

This choice really depends on the particular desire you want to discuss. If you
think it’s something that will make her hot too, if she has expressed any kind of
desire in it, if you have watched some porn that has your kink in it and she wasn’t
totally turned off, start by bringing it up as dirty talk.

The first time you mention your fantasy during sex, don’t do so with the
expectation that it’s going to happen. Instead, word it simply as something
that’s hot to think about. Talk about it like a dream. Mention that you thought
about it the last time you were getting yourself off - after you ask her what she
was thinking the last time she masturbated.

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If your desire is a bit freaky, bring it up when you are having an intimate
conversation, but without the pressure of sex on the line. Make sure you let her
know that talking about your fantasy makes you feel vulnerable. Let her know
right up front that there is absolutely no expectation on her to fulfill the fantasy
- that you just want to be able to talk about it openly and honestly. When she
knows that there is no pressure, she’ll be much more likely to listen with an open
heart and an open mind.

2. Setting the Boundaries: guidelines, rules and limits, safe words

As will all the other fantasy scenarios here, you need to set some basic
guidelines, rules, limits, safe words. You both need to know what to expect from
your play and what you are willing to do.

3. Playing Nice or Playing Rough

No matter what your fantasy, one of the big questions you need to address is
tone. The action isn’t enough. Know your reasons. Know your desires deeply.
Know how you both want to feel and what it will take to make those feelings
come true.

4. Following Up: talking the talk and walking the walk

Fantasy play isn’t just about the actual sex, or even the talk leading up to the sex.
You need to follow up. Don’t try to talk about it immediately after your orgasm
while your brain is still full of all those high-making chemicals. If you want to
continue with all the fantasy fulfillment, you need to follow up. Come back to
each other the next morning, and the next week, and even the next month.
Keep talking about how your fantasies made you feel, how playing them out
may have changed your relationship. Talk about any emotions that come up.
Discuss any problems you may have had with the play.

When you start to discuss what worked and what didn’t in your play, I highly
recommend using “Non-Violent Communication” techniques. Don’t just
talk about the problems. Don’t simply express disappointment. Start with
what worked for you. And don’t lay blame when something didn’t work.
Take responsibility for your own feelings. “When _________ happened, I felt
__________. Maybe we could try __________ instead.”

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Most of all, don’t give up hope. Everyone has dreams and desires.
The most important thing you can do to bring new fantasy
into your sex life is to work on your relationship first. Find
and express love in your life. Go on adventures together.
Enjoy each other! When you nurture the spark between
you, the spark will lead you to your desires.

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References
Barclay, L. B. 2010. Commentary on the National Survey of Sexual Health and
Behavior (NSSHB). The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7 (s5), pp. 253--254.

Brame, G. G. 2014. BDSM/Fetish Sex: Overview and Study. [online] Available at:
http://gloria-brame.com [Accessed: 3 Apr 2014].

Califia, P. 1995. Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Lovers. Mass Market
Paperback.

Gebhard, P. H., Johnson, A. B. and Kinsey, A. C. 1979. The Kinsey data.

Philadelphia: Saunders.

Hite, S., 1976. The Hite report. 1st ed. New York: Macmillan.

Kinsey, A. C. 1953. Sexual behavior in the human female. Philadelphia: Saunders.

Science, Sex and the Ladies. (2013). [video] Greenfield, Indiana: AnC Movies.

Sholty, M. J., Ephross, P. H., Plaut, S. M., Fischman, S. H., Charnas, J. F. and Cody,
C. A. 1984. Female orgasmic experience: A subjective study. Archives of sexual
behavior, 13 (2), pp. 155--164.

Wismeijer, A. A. and Assen, M. A. 2013. Psychological characteristics of BDSM

practitioners. The journal of sexual medicine, 10 (8), pp. 1943--1952.

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