REVISION

I.Grammar and mechanics

1. Verbs:
- Verb tense: Use present-tense, past-tense, and past-participle verb forms correctly.
- Verb mood: use the subjunctive mood to express hypothetical (untrue) ideas.
If I were (not was) you, I would take a business writing course.
- Verb voice: active- and passive-voice verbs
- Verb agreement
2. Nouns and pronouns
- Plural nouns
- Pronoun case (subjective, objective, possessive case)
- Pronoun reference
3. Adjectives and adverbs
Hyphenate two or more adjectives that are joined to create a compound modifier before a noun.
You need an easy-to-remember e-mail address and a one-page resume.
4. Commas
- Use commas appropriately in dates, addresses, geographical names, degrees, and
long numbers.
September 30, 1992, is his birthday.
Send the letter to James Kirby, 20034 95th Avenue, Lynnwood, WA 34567, as
soon as possible.
Lisa moved from Hanoi, Vietnam, to New York, U.S., last year.
Karren Lisa, CPA, and Richard B. John, PhD, were the speakers.
- Use commas to set off internal sentence interrupters.
Harvard researchers, working steadily for 8 months, developed a new cancer
therapy.
It was Dr. Ahn, not Dr. B, who led the team effort.
This new therapy, by the way, was developed from a virus.
- Avoid unnecessary commas
5. Semicolons and Colons
- Use a semicolon to join closely related independent clauses
Learning history is easy; learning its lessons is almost impossible.
- Use a colon after a complete thought that introduces a list of items.
The following cities are on the tour: A, B, and C.
- Use a colon after business letter salutations and to introduce long quotations.
6. Apostrophes (dấu móc lửng)
If the ownership word ends in an s sound and is plural, add only an apostrophe.
Some workers’ benefits will cost more.

7. Other punctuation
- Use a dash (--) to:
• Set off parenthetical elements containing internal commas
Three top students---A, B, and C---won awards.
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 • Emphasize a sentence interruption
Executives at Apple---despite rampant rumors in the stock market---
remained quiet regarding dividend earnings.
• Separate an introductory list from a summarizing statement.
Japan, Taiwan, and Turkey---these were areas hit by recent tsunamies.
- Use parentheses to set off nonessential sentence elements.
- Use quotation marks to enclose the titles of articles, chapters, or other short
works: to mark jargon, slang, words used in a special sense. (Titles of books are
italicized.)
8. Capitalization
- Capitalize proper nouns and proper adjectives; the specific names of persons,
places, insitutions, buildings, religions, holidays, months, organizations, laws,
races, languages…
Empire State Building, Environmental Protection Agency, Annual Spring
Festival…
- Capitalize only specific academic courses and degrees.
Accounting 121, bachelor’s and master’s degrees, teach marketing…
- Capitalize courtesy, professional, religious, government, family, and business
titles when they precede names.
- Don’t capitalize a title when it is followed by an appositive.
Only one professor, J M, favored a tuition hike.
- Don’t capitalize titles following names unless they are part of an address.
M B, president of Yoder Enterprises, hired all employees.
- Don’t capitalize a title that replaces a person’s name.
The director of marketing and the sales manager will meet at 1 p.m.
- Capitalize names of geographic locations. Capitalize NEWS and their derivatives
only when they represent specific geographic regions.
Living in the West, west of the city, western Oregon.
- Don’t capitalize general references.
You might send a letter to their personnel department.
- Capitalize most nouns followed by numbers/letters (except in page, paragraph,
line, and verse references).
9. Number usage
- Use word form to express:
• Numbers =< ten
• Numbers beginning sentences
A total of 145 smartphones were awarded as prizes.
- Use a combination of words and figures to express sums of 1 million and over.
$69.5 million
- Use words for smal fractions: one half
-
10. Confusing words and frequently misspelled words

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 11. Sentence structure
• Fragments (broken-off parts of a complex sentence) (although, as, because, even,
except, for example, if, instead of, since, such as, that, which, when)
e.g.: E-mail seems boring. When compared with Twitter. => E-mail seems boring when
compared with Twitter.
• Comma splice (two clauses joined without proper punctuation)
e.g.: He prefers a tablet, she prefers her laptop. => He prefers a tablet; she prefers her laptop.
or He prefers a tablet; however, she prefers her laptop.
• Run-on sentence (two independent clauses without coordinating conjunction (and, or, nor, but)
or semicolon(;))
e.g.: He’s addicted to social media he posts updates constantly. => He’s addicted to social
media, and he posts updates constantly. or He’s addicted to social media; he posts updates
constantly.

12. Dangling (when the word/phrase it describes is missing from its sentence) and Misplaced
Modifiers (when the word/phrase it describes is not close enough to be clear)

Not This But This

Walking down the street, our sign is easy to see. Walking down the street, people can easily see
our sign.

To eroll, an application must be sent by April 1. To enroll, you must send an application by
April 1.

Jack rescued a dog from a burning car that had a J rescued a dog with a broken leg from a
broken leg. burning car.

The recruiter interviewed candidates who had In the morning the recruiter interviewed
excellent computer skills in the morning. candidates with excellent computer skills.

13. Lack of parallelism -> Uses Parallelism to Achieve Balance

Applicants are interested in work environment and how they can advance their careers. =>
Applicants are interested in work environment and career advancement.

14. Flabby expressions

Flabby Concise

at this point in time now, presently

due to the fact that, inasmuch as, in view of the fact that because

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 in very few cases seldom

despite the fact that although

in the near future soon

as a general rule generally

at a later date later

feel free to please

in addition to the above also

for the period of for

in all probability probably

in the event that if

until such time as until

with regard to about

15. Long lead-ins

Wordy Concise
This is to let you know that Monday is a holiday. Monday is a holiday.
I am sending this e-mail to announce that our internal Our internal audit begins on January 5.
audit begins on January 5.

16. Unnecessary opening fillers there is/are and it is/was

Wordy Concise

There were more than 45 visitors who commented on More than 45 visitors commented on her
her blog. blog.

It was a hilarious animal video that went viral. A hilarious animal video went viral.

17. Redundancies

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 Redundant Concise

combine together combine

exact same, exactly identical exact/same, identical

my personal opinion, true facts my opinion, facts

refer back, repeat again refer, repeat

unexpected surprise surprise

absolutely essential, adequate enough essential, adequate

each and every each/every

basic fundamentals basics/fundamental

big in size big

necessary prerequisite prerequisite

new beginning beginning

PIN number PIN

18. Empty words

in the case of, case, degree of, the fact that, of the fact, the instance of, factor, in nature, in quality, on
a weekly basis -> weekly, clause beginning with that/which/who, it appears that, apparently…
avoid saying the obvious, unnecessary words, some phrases can be reduced to a single adj/adv.

19. Wordiness
Wordy and Unclear Concise

It would not be inadvisable for you to affix your signature at this You should sign now.
point in time.

High-quality learning environments for children are a necessary To learn properly, children
precondition for facilitation and enhancement of the ongoing need good schools.
learning process.

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In regard to the matter of obtaining optimal results, it is essential For best results give
that employees be given the implements that are necessary for jobs employees the tools they need
to be completed satisfactorily. to do the job.

20. Uses Trite business phrases

Trite phrase Improved

pursuant to/ as per your request as your/you request

please do not hesitate to please

thanking you in advance thank you

enclosed please find enclosed is

every effort will be made we’ll try

in accordance with your wishes as you wish

in receipt of, with reference to have received, about

respond forthwith respond immediately

under separate cover seperately

21. Uses Clichés (below the belt, first and foremost, last but not least, make a bundle…)
22. Uses Slang (snarky, lousy, bombed, b/c, FOMO, br…) and Buzzwords (optimize, incentivize,
impactful, leveraging, right-size, paradigm shift, cost effective…)
Cliché, Slang, Buzzword Improved

Last but not least, we must cut costs. Finally, we must cut costs.

Hey, prof, what u think of my killer paper? Professor, what did you think of my
paper?

Our point man will telephonically communicate our Jake will call you with our revised
relanguaged proposal to you. proposal.

23. Buries verbs

Buried Verbs Improved

give consideration to, conduct a discussion of consider, discuss

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 reach a conclusion, engage in preparation of conclude, prepare

create a reduction in, make an assumption of reduce, assume

make a decision about, make a discovery of decide, discover

take action on, acquisition, establishment, development, perform act, acquire, establish, develop,
an analysis of analyze

23. Shows Exuberance (very, definitely, quite, completely, extremely, really, actually, totally)

II. Weaknesses
(Bypassing: probably, always, never, usually, often, soon, right away…)
▪ Uses an informal, casual, breezy tone.
▪ Includes slang (cruising, blown away), ambiguous/imprecise expressions (really into), idioms
(pounding down the doors), and figurative cliches (cash in on this craze).
▪ Confuses first and last names.
▪ Includes unclear contraction (you’ll), acronym (ASAP), and unclear date (5/8).
▪ Uses unfamiliar words (aforementioned, stipulates, entice), and gender-biased language (male,
his).
▪ Sounds negative (penalty, must not drive, will not be limited/forced).
▪ Doesn’t use plain language or conversational tone (pertaining to, herewith, facilitating, above-
referenced)
▪ Fails to write compelling/helpful/concise subject lines (possibly with names and dates: Jake:
Can You Present at January 10 Staff Meeting?)
▪ Fails to open and end friendly (I’m glad to answer your questions./ This sounds like a useful
project./ I sincerely appreciate your help./ What are your ideas on this proposal?/ How would
you like to proceed?).
▪ Fails to include a greeting (Hi/Thanks/Greetings, Sandra; Dear Ms. Stevens)
▪ Fails to develop reader benefits.
▪ Suffers from wordiness and repetition.
▪ Fails to organize the body for readability (start directly, group similar topics together, present
information with bulleted/numbered lists, add headings).
▪ Reduces readability (with all-caps font and justified text, no heading)
▪ Groups too much information without white space (by: + Adding headings
• Including bulleted or numbered lists
• Using short sentences (<20 words)
• Writing short paragraphs (<9 lines)
• Setting effective margins (1-1.5 inches, uses left-aligned and ragged-right text))
• Does not end with an action statement with due dates and requests, include full contact
information in the signature block.

III. Writing techniques

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1. Adopts a formal but pleasant, polite, conversational tone.
2. Avoids slang, idioms, imprecise words, ambiguous expressions, unclear contractions,
abbreviations, and confusing dates.
3. Opens graciously with praise and compliments. Ends pleasantly with forward-looking
statements and congratulations.
4. Develops the “you” view and audience benefits.
5. Professional email and memos:
• Subject line:
• Summarize the central idea.
• Include labels if appropriate (FYI, REQ).
• Avoid empty/dangerous words (Help/Problem/Free).
• Opening:
• State the purpose for writing.
• Highlight questions. (Please answer the following questions about…)
• Supply information directly. (Respond to a request, give the requested
information immediately in the opening, and explain later.)
• Body:
• Explain details.
• Enhance readability.
• Apply document design.
• Closing:
• Request action. (State specifically what you want the reader to do. Include a
deadline, with reasons.)
• Provide a goodwill statement or a closing thought. (Our team enjoyed working
on the feasibility report, and we look forward to your feedback.)
• Avoid cliche endings. (If you have additional questions, please do not hesitate to
call./ Thank you for your cooperation.)

6. Positive messages:
• Request messages:
• Opening–main idea first:
• Ask a question or issue a polite command (Please answer the following
question about…).
• Avoid long explanations preceding the main idea.
• Body—provide details and explain your purpose:
• Express questions in numbered or bulleted form.
• Use open-ended questions (What steps are necessary…?) instead of yes-
or-no questions (Can she conclude her contractual obligation…?).
• Suggest reader benefits, if possible. (To ensure that you…)
• Closing—end with appreciation and a call for action:
• State specifically, but courteously, what action is to be taken.
• Set an end date, if necessary. Provide a logical reason for the end date.
• Avoid cliché endings (Thank you for your cooperation).
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 • Show appreciation, but use a fresh expression. (Thanks for returning the
questionnaire before May 5./ We are grateful for the information you will
provide because it will help us serve you better./ I appreciate this
information, which will enable me to…)
• Make it easy for the receiver to respond. (Here is my email address so that
you can reach me quickly.)

A Direct Request E-mail

To: Sophia Murillo < >
From: Noah Fleming < >
Subject: Need Information on Group Scheduling for April 18-24

Dear Ms. Murillo:

Can the Venetian Resort provide meeting rooms for accommodations for about 100 people from April
18 to April 24?

Your hotel received strong recommendations because of its excellent resort and conference facilities.
Our spring conference is scheduled for next April, and I am collecting information for our planning
committee. Please answer these additional questions regarding The Venetian:
(bulleted list with short questions in parallel form)

Answers to these questions and any other information you can provide will help us choose a
conference facility. Your response before October 15 would be most appreciated since our planning
committee meets on October 20.

Sincerely,

Noah Fleming, Associate

Corporate Travel Department

[full contact information]

▪ Responding to Requests:
• Subject Line (Your July 12 Inquiry About…)
• Identify the topic and any previous correspondence.
• Use abbreviated style, omitting articles (a, an, the).
• Opening
• Open directly.
• Deliver the information the reader wants. (Here is the information you wanted
about…)
• When announcing good news, do so promptly. (Yes, I will be happy to…)
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 • Body
• Explain the subject logically.
• Use lists, tables, headings, boldface, italics, or other graphic devices to improve
readability.
• Promote your products and your organization to customers. (You can use our
standardized tests to free you from time-consuming employment screening.)
• Closing
• Offer a concluding thought, perhaps referring to the information or action
requested. (The attached list summarizes our recommendations. We wish you all
the best in redesigning your social media presence.)
• Avoid cliché endings (If you have any other questions, don’t hesitate to call).
• Be cordial.

Customer response email:

To:
From:
Subject: Your July 12 Inquiry About DataQuirk Software
Attached:

Dear Mr. Alexander:

Yes, we do offer personnel record-keeping software specially designed for small businesses like yours.
Here are answers to your three questions about this software.

1.
2. emphasizes “you” view
3.

Our DataQuirk software was specially designed to provide you with expert forms for interviewing,
verifying references… We even provide you with step-by-step instructions and suggested procedures.
You can treat your employees as if you had a professional HR specialist on your staff.

In the attached PDF copy of our pamphlet, you can find out more about DQ. To receive a preview
copy or to ask questions about DQ and its use, just call 1-234-456-4999. Our specialists are eager to
help you weekdays from 8 to 5 PST. If you prefer, visit our website to receive more information or to
place an order.

Sincerely,

Emma Ladina
Senior Marketing Representative
[full contact info]

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 ▪ Direct Claims and Complaints:
• Opening:
• Explain immediately what you want done.
• State the remedy briefly when it is obvious (Please correct an erroneous double charge
of $59 to my credit card for… I accidentally clicked the Submit button twice.)
• Explain your goal when the remedy is not obvious. (Because three of our employees
with confirmed reservations were refused rooms on September 16 in your hotel, would
you please clarify your policy regarding reservations and late arrivals.)
• Body:
• Explain the problem and justify your request.
• Provide details objectively and concisely.
• Be organized and coherent. Don’t ramble.
• Avoid becoming angry or trying to fix blame.
• Include names and dates with previous actions.
• When an alternative remedy exists, spell it out (If you are unable to offer store credit,
please …)
• Closing:
• End courteously with a tone that promotes goodwill.
• Request specific action, including end date, if appropriate. (I hope you understand that
mistakes in ordering online sometimes occur. Because I have enjoyed your prompt
service in the past, I hope that you will be able to issue a refund or store credit by May
5.)

Direct Claim Email:

To:
From:
Subject: Requesting Refund for Erroneous Charge
Attached:

Dear MegaMedia Customer Service:

Please credit my Visa account, ending in No. 4454, to correct an erroneous charge of $145.95.

On July 22 I purchased a TV and was thrilled with it. Although the salesperson discussed a three-year
extended warranty with me, I decided against purchasing that service for $145.95. However, when
my credit card statement arrived this month, I noticed an extra $145.95 charge from MegaMedia. I
believe this charge represents the warranty I declined. Attached is a scanned copy of my sales invoice
along with my Visa statement showing the charge.

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Please authorize a credit immediately and email me a confirmation of the transaction. I’m enjoying
all the features of my Samsung TV and would like to be shopping soon at MegaMedia for a similar
set for my parents.

Sincerely,
Jade Huggins
[ full contact inf ]
▪ Adjustment Messages:
• Opening:
• When approving a customer’s claim, announce the good news (adjustment)
immediately.
• Avoid sounding grudging or reluctant.
• Body:
• Strive to win back the customer’s confidence.
• Explain what went wrong (if you know).
• Apologize if it seems appropriate, but be careful about admitting responsibility.
• Check with your boss or legal counsel first.
• Concentrate on explaining how diligently your organization works to avoid
disappointing customers.
• Avoid negative language (trouble, regret, fault).
• Avoid blaming customers— even if they are at fault.
• Avoid blaming individuals or departments in your organization. It sounds
unprofessional.
• Closing:
• Show appreciation that the customer wrote. (You were most helpful in informing us of
this situation and permitting us to correct it. We appreciate your thoughtfulness in
writing to us.)
• Consider expressing confidence that the problem has been resolved. (Thanks for writing.
Your satisfaction is important to us. We hope that this refund check convinces you that
service to our customers is our No. 1 priority. Our goals are to…)
• Thank the customer for past business. (For your patience and patronage, we are truly
grateful.)
• Refer to your desire to be of service.

Customer adjustment letter:

May 22, 2018

Mr. Richard Lopez

Optima Ventures
1517 Hamilton Ave
Trenton, NJ 08603

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Dear Mr. Lopez:

Subject: Your May 17 Letter About Your Purchase Order

Your second shipment of the Blu-ray players, video game consoles, and other electronics that you
ordered April 18 is on its way and should arrive on May 29.

The first shipment of this order was delivered May 3 to 45 E State St. Trenton, NJ 08611. When no
one at that address would accept the shipment, it was returned to us. Now that I have your letter, I see
that the order should have been sent to 1517 Hamilton Ave, Trenton, NJ 08603. When an order is
undeliverable, we usually try to verify the shipping address by telephoning the customer. Somehow
the return of this shipment was not caught by our normally painstaking shipping clerks. You can be
sure that I will investigate shipping and retum procedures with our clerks immediately to see if we
can improve existing methods.

Your respect is important to us, Mr. Lopez. Although our rock-bottom discount prices have enabled
us to build a volume business, we don't want to be so large that we lose touch with valued customers
like you. Over the years our customers respect has made us successful, and we hope that the prompt
delivery of this shipment will retain yours.

Sincerely,
Kimberly Lu
Distribution Manager

7.Delivering Negative News:

• Direct strategy: Bad news -> Reasons -> Pleasant close
• Indirect strategy: Buffer -> Reasons -> Bad news -> Pleasant Close
• Open with a buffer:
o Best news
o Compliment
o Appreciation (I appreciated Ving…)
o Agreement
o Facts
o Understanding (We know that you expect superior performance from all the
products you purchase from … That’s why we’re writing personally about… you
recently ordered.)
• Presenting the Reasons:
o Explain the reasons leading up to the no clearly.
o Cite reader benefit or benefits to others, if plausible.
o Explain the rationale behind your company’s policy.
o Choose positive words to keep the reader in a receptive mood.
o Show fairness and serious intent.

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 • Cushioning the bad news:
o Positioning the bad news strategically: between other sentences, among reasons;
put a painful idea in a subordinate clause (although, as, because, if, since).
o Using the passive voice (Cash refunds are not given because…)
o Highlighting the positive
o Implying the refusal
o Suggesting a compromise/alternative
• Closing pleasantly
o Forward look (Thanks for your bid. We look forward to working with…)
o Alternative follow-up (I will be happy to give you a free inspection and
consultation. Please call… to …)
o Good wishes (We appreciate your interest in our company, and we extend to you
our best wishes in your search to find the perfect…)
o Freebies (Your loyalty and concern about… are genuinely appreciated. Because
we want you to continue enjoying our…, we are enclosing a coupon that you
can…)
o Resales or Sales promotion (… To help you …, we invite you to visit our website
where our online catalog provides …)

Email denying a claim:

To: Chris Dandron <cdandron@outlook.com>
From: Eddie Wilson <eddie.wilson@beopalmbeach.com>
Subject: Your Inquiry About BeoLab 8000 Speakers

Dear Mr. Dandron:

You're absolutely right. We sell the finest surround sound speakers at rock-bottom prices. The Bang
& Olufsen BeoLab 8000 stereo speakers that you purchased last month are premier concert hall
speakers.

We have such confidence in our products and prices that we offer the price-matching policy you
mentioned in your e-mail of March 15. That policy guarantees a refund of the price difference if you
see one of your purchases offered at a lower price for 30 days after your purchase. To qualify for that
refund, customers are asked to send us an advertisement or verifiable proof of the product price and
model. As our website states, this price-matching policy applies only to exact models with USA
warranties.

The Bang & Olufsen BeoLab 8000 speaker set sells for $1,199.99. You sent us a local advertisement
showing a price of $699.95 for BeoLab speakers. This advertisement, however, describes an earlier
version, the BeoLab 6000. The set you received has a wider dynamic range and smoother frequency
response than the BeoLab 6000 set. It is also 20 percent more compact than the BeoLab 6000.
Naturally, the advanced model you purchased costs more than the older BeoLab 6000 model.

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You bought the finest compact speakers on the market, Mr. Dandron. If you haven't installed them
yet, you may be interested in ceiling mounts and other accessories, shown on our website at
http://beopalmbeach.com/beolab8000 and available at competitive prices. We value your business and
invite your continued comparison shopping.

Sincerely,

Eddie Wilson, Senior Product Manager

BANG & OLUFSEN City Place

Saying No to Job Candidates

June 6, 2018

Ms. Julia Kravchek

2435 Haring Street #102
Brooklyn, NY 11235

Dear Ms. Kravchek:

Thanks for letting us review your résumé submitted for our advertised management trainee opening.

We received a number of impressive résumés for this opening. Although another candidate was
selected, your interest in our organization is appreciated. So that you may continue your search for a
position at another organization, I am writing to you immediately.

With your credentials I am certain you will find a suitable position because you have a great deal to
offer. Please accept my best wishes for the future.

Sincerely,

NEWPORT CAPITAL
Taryn Warren
Director, Human Resources

8. Persuasive messages:
• Gaining Attention
o Summarize the problem.
o Make an unexpected statement.
o Focus on reader benefit.
o Use a compliment. (Because our members admire your success and value your
managerial expertise, they want you to be our speaker.)
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 o Give related facts. (A recent study revealed that…)
o Ask a stimulating question.
• Building Interest
o Facts, statistics.
o Examples.
o Expert opinion.
o Use specific details.
o Show direct benefits.
o List indirect benefits.
• Eliciting desire and reducing resistance
o Reduce resistance.
o Anticipate objections.
o Offer counterarguments.
o Use What if? scenarios.
o Demonstrate competence.
o Show the value of the proposal.
• Prompting action (You will see significant improvement in… Please call me at… by
May 1 to … so that…)
o Describe a specific request.
o Sound confident.
o Make the action easy to take.
o Offer an incentive or gift.
o Don’t provide excuses.
o Repeat main benefits.

Persuasive claim email:

To: customer.service@unafon.com
From: Denise Blanchard <dblanchard@george-the-second.com>
Subject: Requesting Merchandise Return-Una Telo Office VoIP System

Dear UnaFon Customer Service:

Your Una Telo Office VoIP Expandable Telephone System came highly recommended and seemed
to be the answer to increasingly expensive telephone service. Here at George II we were looking for
a way to reduce our local and long-distance telephone charges. The VoIP system was particularly
attractive to us because it offered Internet phone service with unlimited calling to the United States,
Europe, and Asia. Our business in fine furnishings and unique objets d'art requires us to make and
receive national and international calls.

On January 8 we purchased two VoIP systems (SGU #IP7402-2) with five handsets each for our main
office here in Baton Rouge and for our Lafayette showroom. Each system came with a base station
and Una Lynxx extension. Although we followed all the installation instructions, we discovered that

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an irritating static sound interfered with every incoming and outgoing telephone call. We were unable
to complete setting up the systems.

This static is surprising and disappointing because the a glowing PC Magazine review touted the "top-
notch sound quality." praising "what you'd expect from a business VoIP platform, including an
automated receptionist, extension dialing, call transfer, call logs, ring groups, hold music, and an
optional conference bridge." Your website promises the Una Telo "pure voice HD experience." The
PC Magazine review also erroneously claimed that setup is simple.

On January 10 we filled out a Return Merchandise Authorization form on your website. However, we
are frustrated that we have had no response. We are confident that a service provider with your
reputation for reliable products and superior customer service will want to resolve this matter quickly.
Please authorize return of these two systems and credit our account for $999.86, which represents the
original cost plus taxes and shipping. Attached is an electronic copy of the invoice with our credit
card number.

Sincerely,

Denise Blanchard
President
dblanchard@george-the-second.com

Persuasive message flowing upward:

MEMORANDUM

Date: April 9, 2018

To: Arron Raphael, Vice President

From: Leonard Oliver, Marketing

Subject: Saving Time and Money on Copying

We are losing money on our current copy services and wasting the time of employees as well. Because
our aging Canon copier is in use constantly and can't handle our growing printing volume, we find it
increasingly necessary to send major jobs out to Copy Quick. Moreover, whenever we need color
copies, we can't handle the work ourselves. Just take a look at how much we spend each month for
outside copy service:
Copy Costs: Outside Service
10,000 B&W copies/month made at Copy Quick $ 700.00
1,000 color copies/month, $0.25 per copy (avg.) 250.00
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 Salary costs for assistants to make 32 trips 480.00
Total $1,430.00

To save time and money, I have been considering alternatives. Large-capacity color laser copiers with
multiple features (copy, e-mail, fax, LAN fax, print, scan) are expensive. However, reconditioned
copiers with all the features we need are available at attractive prices. From Copy City we can get a
fully remanufactured Xerox copier that is guaranteed and provides further savings because solid-color
ink sticks cost a fraction of laser toner cartridges. We could copy and print in color for roughly the
same cost as black and white. After we make an initial payment of $300, our monthly costs would
look like this:
Copy Costs: Remanufactured Copier
Paper supplies for 11,000 copies $160.00
Ink sticks and copy supplies 100.00
Labor of assistants to make copies 150.00
Monthly financing charge for copier (purchase price
of $3,105-$300 amortized at 10% with 36 payments) 93.74
Total $503.74

As you can see, a remanufactured Xerox 8860MFP copier saves us more than $900 per month. For a
limited time Copy City is offering a free 15-day trial offer, a free copier stand (a $250 value), free
starter supplies, and free delivery and installation. We have office space available, and my staff is
eager to add a second machine.

Please call me at Ext. 630 if you have questions. This copier is such a good opportunity that I have
prepared a purchase requisition authorizing the agreement with Copy City. With your approval before
May 4, we could have our machine by May 14 and start saving time and more than $900 every month.
Fast action will also help us take advantage of Copy City's free start-up incentives.

▪ Achieves emphasis:
• Emphasize important ideas by using vivid and specific words.
General: The way we seek jobs has changed./ That skyscraper is tall.
Vivid, Specific: The Internet has dramatically changed how job hunters search for positions.
/ The Burj Khalifa in Dubai is 2,723 feet tall.
• Label the main idea.
Unlabeled: Explore the possibility of leasing a site, but also hire a consultant.
Labeled: Explore the possibility of leasing a site, but, most importantly, hire a consultant.
• Emphasize the most important idea by placing it first or last in a simple sentence and by
making it the sentence subject.
Unemphatic: Labor lawyers say that companies should review their internship programs because most
often they are illegal if interns are not being paid for their work.
Emphatic: Most internship programs are illegal if interns are not paid.
• De-emphasizes when necessary:
18
 • Use general words:
Our records indicate that you were recently fired. => … that your employment status
has recently changed.
• Place the bad news in a dependent clause connected to an independent clause that
contains sth positive:
We cannot issue you credit at this time, but we have a special plan that will allow you
to fill your immediate needs on a cash basis. => Although credit cannot be issued at this
time, you can fill your immediate needs on a cash basis with our special plan.
• Uses Active and Passive Voice Effectively
• Use active-voice verbs for direct, more clear expression.
e.g. We lost money./ Rosario started a customer service blog last year./ We cannot grant
you credit.
• Use passive-voice verbs to de-emphasize the performer or to be more tactful; indirect
and less clear; emphasize the action, not the doer
e.g. Money was lost (by us)./ A customer service blog was started last year./ Credit
cannot be granted.
• Arrange paragraphs in one of these plans:
• Direct Plan for receptive audiences, to define, classify, illustrate, or describe
Main/topic sentence (purpose/ good news) followed by supporting sentences (details,
explanation, evidence)
(routine requests, responses, orders, acknowledgments, nonsensitive memos, emails)
• Indirect Plan for unreceptive audiences, to explain and persuade
Supporting sentences (explanation, evidence) -> main sentences (bad news)
(bad news; emails, memos, letters that refuse requests, deny claims, disapprove credit;
persuasive requests, sales letters, sensitive news)
• Pivoting Plan to compare and contrast
Limiting sentences (offer a contrasting/negative idea) -> main sentence -> supporting
sentences
• Uses transitional expressions that build coherence:

To add/strengthen additionally, accordingly, again, also, besides, indeed, likewise, moreover

To show time/order after, before, earlier, finally, first, meanwhile, next, now

To clarify for example/instance, I mean, in other words, put another way, that is, this
means, thus

To show cause & accordingly, as a result, consequently, for this reason, hence, so, thus,
effect therefore

To contradict actually, but, however, in fact, instead, rather, still, yet

To contrast as opposed to, at the same time, by contrast, conversely, previously, on the
contrary, similarly, on the other hand

19
 ▪ Uses expert writing techniques:
• Spotlights audience benefits:

Sender Focus Receiver Focus

We are requiring all staffers to complete Please complete these forms so that you will be
these forms in compliance with company policy. eligible for health and dental benefits.

Because we need more space for our This two-for-one sale enables you to buy
new inventory, we are having a two-for-one sale. a year’s supply of supplies but pay only for six
months’ worth.

Our warranty on our mobile device becomes Your warranty on your mobile device begins
effective only when we receive an owner’s working for you as soon as you return your
registration. owner’s registration.

We are instructing herewith all employees to fill By filling out the attached survey, you can be
out the attached survey completely and one of the first employees to sign up for our
immediately so that we can allocate our limited limited training resource funds.
training resource funds appropriately.

We are proud to announce our new real-time virus Now you can be sure that all your computers
scanner that we think is the best on the market! will be protected with our real-time virus
scanner.

• Develops a “you” view:

“I” and “We” View “You” View

We take pleasure in announcing an agreement An agreement with Dell allows you and
we made with Dell to allow us to offer other students to buy discounted laptops at
discounted laptops in the student store. your student store.

We are requiring all employees to respond to the Because your ideas count, please complete the
attached company questionnaire about health attached…
benefits.

We are issuing a refund. You will receive a refund.

20
I have a few questions on which I would Because your feedback is important, please
like feedback. tell us your thoughts.

I need your account number before I can do Would you mind giving me your account
anything about your claim. number so that I can locate your records and
help you solve this problem?

We have created an account dashboard that Your account dashboard gives you complete
we love. control.

• Sounds conversational but professional:

Unprofessional Professional

Your report was totally awesome! Your report was well written.

Hey, boss, Gr8 news! Firewall now installed!! BTW, Mr. Lopez, our new firewall software is
check with me b4 announcing it. now installed. Please check with me before
announcing it.

Overly Formal Conversational

All employees are herewith instructed to return the Please return your contracts to me.
appropriately designated contracts to the undersigned.

• Expresses ideas positively: NOT: We can’t ship until May 1. BUT: We can ship on May 1.
Negative expression: complaint, criticism, defective, failed, mistake, neglected, overlooked,
you claim that, you misunderstood, your delay, you forgot to, you state that, you did not
provide…

Negative Positive

You failed to include your credit card number, so We look forward to completing your order as
we can’t mail your order. soon as we receive your credit card number.

Your letter of May 2 claims that you returned a Your May 2 letter describes a headset you
defective headset. returned.

You apparently are unaware of our new mailing Enclosed are envelopes with our new mailing
address for deposits because you used the old address for your deposits.
envelopes.

21
 • Uses courteous expression:
Less courteous More courteous and helpful

Claudia, you must complete all Claudia, will you please complete all performance
performance reviews by April 1. reviews by April 1.

You should organize a carpool in this Organizing a carpool will reduce your transportation
department. costs and help preserve the environment.

Am I the only one who can read the Let’s review the operating manual together so that you
operating manual? can get your documents to print correctly next time.

You must review the figures quickly. Please review the figures quickly.

• Uses bias-free language:

Gender biased Improved

female doctor, woman attorney, cleaning doctor, attorney, cleaner, office workers
women, office girls

waiter/waitress, authoress, stewardess server, author, flight attendant

mankind, man-hour, man-made humanity, working hours, artificial

the doctor/teacher … he/she doctors/teachers … they

executives and their wives executives and their spouses

foreman, flagman, workman, craftsman, lead workers, flagger, worker, artisan,

businessman, salesman businessperson, sales representative

Each employee had his picture taken. Each/All employee(s) had a/their picture taken.

Racially or ethnically biased Improved

An Indian accountant was hired An accountant was hired.

Age biased Improved

The law applied to old people. The law applied to people over sixty-five.

Mildred Kay, 55, was transferred. Mildred Kay was transferred.

a sprightly old gentleman, a little old lady a man, a woman

22
Disability biased Improved

afflicted with arthritis, suffering from arthritis, has arthritis

crippled by arthritis

confined to a wheelchair uses a wheelchair

he’s mentally retarded he has a cognitive disability

• Uses plain language and familiar words:

Unfamiliar Familiar

commensurate equal

interrogate question

materialize appear

obfuscate confuse

remuneration pay, salary

terminate end

commence/initiate begin

compensate pay

• Uses precise, vigorous words: NOT: Please contact me. BUT: Please e-mail me.
Imprecise, dull More precise

a change in profits a 25 percent hike in profits

a 10 percent plunge in profits

to say to promise, confess, understand, announce

to allege, assert, assume, judge

to think about to identify, diagnose, analyze

to probe, examine, inspect

business brokerage

23
MODEL DOCUMENT
1. Effective intercultural e-mail message
To: Chung Jin Ho <chung.jinho@globalnet.net>
From: Robert N. Gray <rngray@healthproducts.com>
Subject: Requesting Information Leading to Potential Business Partnership (>< Awesome Herbs)

Dear Mr. Chung:

Your excellent website describing organic Chinese herbs and herbal products has attracted my
attention. Many people in our country are showing more interest in Chinese medicine. That is why I
am interested in importing high-quality herbs.

Your website provides good information, but I still have several questions:

• Do your herbs and herbal products meet U.S. regulations as food supplements? As you know, our
government regulates herbal imports closely.

• Can the products you list on your website legally be sold in the United States?

• Do you provide a phytosanitary certificate for bulk herbs that you sell?

• May I place a small wholesale trial order so that I can test the market in my country?

Because I am impressed with what I have learned about your company. I may visit Jinan to meet you
and inspect your herbal products. I understand that Jinan is the capital of Shandong province and is
close to famous and beautiful tourist sites.

Answers to my questions before May 8 would enable me to decide whether to place a trial order. I
congratulate you on your successful business and look forward to a pleasant and profitable relationship
with you as my supplier of high-quality Chinese herbs.

Sincerely yours,

Robert N. Gray
—----------------------
Robert N. Gray Owner | rngray@healthproducts.com
Health Products | www.healthproducts.com
1214 W. Brumback St. | Boise, ID 83702 | 202.234.2194

2. Apply expert writing techniques

To: All DataFlo Team Members
From: Sierra Sotelo <ssotelo@dataflo.com>
24
Subject: Outstanding Perks for Driving Less (>< Company needs to reduce employee driving trips to
office)

Hi, Team,

Want to earn a full day off with pay, reduce the stress of your commute, and pay a lot less for gas?
You can enjoy these and other perks if you make fewer driving trips to the office.

As part of the Air Quality Management District’s Trip Reduction Plan, you can enjoy the following
benefits by reducing the number of trips you make to work:

• Full Day Off. If you maintain a 75 percent participation rate in our ride-share program for six
months, you will receive one day off with pay.

• Vanpool Subsidy. By joining a vanpool, you will receive assistance in obtaining a van along with
a monthly $100 subsidy. Even better, if you become a vanpool driver, you will also have unlimited
personal use of the vehicle off company time.

• Preferential Parking. By coming to work in vanpools, you can park close to the building in
reserved spaces.

Why not help the environment, reduce your gas bill, and enjoy other perks by joining this program?
For more information to sign up, please contact Saul Salazar at ssalazar@biotech.com before February
1.

Sierra

Sierra Sotelo
Senior Coordinator, HR
ssotelo@dataflo.com
(823) 234-3495

3. Improving a negative, discourteous, and unprofessional message

To: All Supervisors and Departmental Managers
From: Richard Mangrove, Vice President, Employee Relations
Subject: Improving Employee Performance Evaluations (>< Dangerous Employee Performance
Evaluations)

Hi, All,

25
Recently one of our employees filed a lawsuit against the company because of comments a supervisor
made during a performance evaluation. So that this does not happen again to the company or one of
you, let me suggest how you can improve the process and avoid legal entanglements:

• Work with each employee to develop a system to measure performance. Set goals and share
these standards and goals in writing with the employee.

• Monitor the performance of each employee throughout the year. Keep a log for each worker.
Note memorable incidents or projects in which the employee was involved. Remember to
record both positive and negative comments. Many supervisors are understandably
uncomfortable about placing negative comments in an employee’s file. However, objective
evaluations require honest comments.

• Formally evaluate each employee once a year with a written performance appraisal. Be specific,
honest, and realistic. Share this report in a face-to-face meeting. Let the employee know what
he or she did well and what areas could be improved.

Giving evaluations can be difficult. With careful preparation, however, you can make the process go
smoothly and safely, thus avoiding legal troubles.

Richard Mangrove
[ Complete contact information ]

4. Document Design Improves Readability

To: Managers, Supervisors
From: Justin Jarvis <jjarvis@texas-investments.com>
Subject: Announcing Web Conferencing Service

Staff Members,

Great news! You may now schedule teleconference meetings because we have hired InterCall to be
our Web conferencing provider. For those of you unfamiliar with running a Web conference, here are
a few guidelines.

Before Your Web Conference

• Establish an agenda covering all the topics to be discussed.
• Gather all relevant files and documents in one package to be distributed to all.
• E-mail the package to all attendees, or upload it to a central distribution point.

During Your Web Conference

• Greet participants as their names pop up.
26
 • Be prepared with a slide presentation.
• Encourage participants to interact on the virtual whiteboard.
• Be sure that everyone states his or her name before speaking.

Getting Started
Please call Gina at Ext. 543 or write to her at g.gordon@texas-investments.com to establish your
calling code before August 1. If you would like to participate in a practice session, ask Gina for
details.

Justin A. Jarvis, Director

Computer Information Systems
E-mail:
Office: (312) 586-0984
Mobile: (345) 543-2345

5. Formatting e-mail messages

To: Kim Cohen < >
From: Scott Hawkins < >
Subject: REQ: Reconsidering Our Casual-Dress Policy

Hi, Kim,

As office cultures change, I’m asking you and other members of our management team to provide
feedback about our casual dress policy.

We adopted a casual business attire program several years ago. Some employees immediately saw it
as an employment benefit. Others, however, considered it a disaster because they did not know how
to dress casually and still look professional. Please respond to the following questions to help us
decide whether to revamp that policy.

• What is acceptable to wear on dress-down days?

• Should our policy restrict body art (tattoos) and piercing?
• How should supervisors react when clothing is offensive, tasteless, revealing, or sloppy?

Please give careful thought to these questions and be ready to discuss them at our management
meeting on September 14.

Scott
[ full contact information ]

27
6. Request E-Mail
To: Kim Johnson <kjohnson@smi.com>
From: Tim Rudolph <trudolph@smi.com>
Subject: Developing Staff E-Mail Policy

Please draft a policy outlining appropriate e-mail use for employees.

We need such a policy because I have received reports of misuse including defamatory messages,
pornography downloads, and even gambling. Here are a few points that the policy should cover:
• E-mail is for business use only.
• E-mail messages may be monitored.
• No pictures or attachments should be sent without a valid reason.
• E-mail should not be used to discuss personnel matters.

Please submit a draft to me by October 2 because we hope to have a final policy completed by
November 5. Call if you have questions.

7. Direct request
To:
From:
Subject: How to Protect Patient Data in Small Medical Practice

Dear Mr. Vanace:

Please help me better understand how to protect patients’ medical information. As a physician in a
small medical practice, I am concerned about patient data breaches.

Your website is promising but a bit overwhelming. I have a few specific questions to ask about your
services. My practice may already have experienced a security breach, and I am seeking answers to
the following questions:

• Are you experienced in working with small medical firms?

• If a breach has occurred, how do you investigate the incident?
• Do you guide notifying affected patients, and are you discreet about such notifications?
• If you discover that laws have been broken, are you obligated to report them to law enforcement
agencies?

As you can see, I have many sensitive questions. I would like to talk confidentially with someone in
your firm within the next two days. Please call me at … to arrange a time that is convenient for both
of us. I am most likely to be available after surgery between 4 and 6 p.m. on weekdays.

Jemery Chen, M.D.

28
[ full contact info ]

8. Direct response
WEAKNESSES:
9. Begins weakly with an obvious and unnecessary statement instead of expressing
appreciation for the inquiry and conveying confidence.
10. Fails to organize answers to questions in a logical order.
11. Does not see the opportunity to use down-editing.
12. Creates a negative tone instead of putting this bad news in a subordinate clause followed
by the good news.
13. Does not express ideas with parallel construction.
14. Fails to close with an action statement about when the writer will call.

REVISION:
To:
From:
Subject: Answering Your Questions about Scheduling a Call on March 19

Dear Dr. Chen:

We appreciate your interest in Security Specialists. We are confident that we can offer you expert
guidance in the areas of cyber security, data breach response, and incident analysis solutions.

You are smart to seek advice on protecting patient data. Although you may have limited resources,
even the smallest firm will benefit from basic security awareness training in the proper handling,
storing, and processing of patient health information.

Let me respond to your specific questions. See my answers in italics:

• Are you experienced in working with small medical firms?

Yes, we have worked with many small medical firms and have been able to address their
specific needs.

• If a breach has occurred, how do you investigate the incident?

We are experienced at investigating incidents, analyzing clues, and quickly and defensively
uncovering critical information.

• Do you guide notifying affected patients, and are you discreet about such notifications?
We deliver discreet, prompt, and customized breach notifications.

• If you discover that laws have been broken, are you obligated to report them to law enforcement
agencies?

29
 Although we are obligated to report wrongdoing, this is rarely necessary.

May I call you on March 19 at 4.30 p.m.? At that time I can provide more extensive answers to your
questions. Please rest assured that SS can help you investigate and control any data breach incidents.

Warren E. Vance
[Full contact information]

9. Persuasive request
WEAKNESSES:
15. Fails to impress the reader or gain positive attention in the opening.
16. Begins bluntly and directly by revealing the favor request in the first paragraph.
17. Does not build interest with emotional or rational appeals.
18. Shows a lack of interest and perfunctory attitude by not knowing the exact title of Ms.
Watkins’ presentation.
19. Misses an opportunity to build rapport by failing to praise Ms. Watkins’ previous
presentation.
20. Fails to emphasize direct/indirect benefits.
21. Provides an easy excuse for decling the request.
22. Makes no attempt to anticipate objections and counter them.
23. Sounds flippant and overly casual.
24. Does not conclude with specific contact information.
25. Fails to set a deadline coupled with a reason for responding.

10. E-mail invitation

WEAKNESSES:
• Lacks a helpful subject line.
• Starts indirectly with an explanation instead of the main idea: scheduling interviews.
• Fails to develop reader benefits, such as explaining why the readers should be interested.
• Sounds negative (you may be disappointed; avoid making poor selections; should not have to
urge you)
• Suffers from wordiness, repetition, and a demanding tone.
• Fails to make the interview dates and rooms highly readable with a list.
• Does not include an end date and reason for returning the candidate list.

REVISION:
To: Department Managers List
From: Aaron Alexander <aalexander@vasco.com>
Subject: Invitation to Interviewing Sessions to Select Interns

You are invited to help us interview six excellent student candidates for three paid internships. These
potential interns from our local state university could bring fresh ideas and talent to your projects.

30
The management council decided to offer paid internships because candidates in computer science
and information systems are usually offered compensation.

Please mark your calendars to meet at 2 p.m. on the following dates:

May 3 Conference Room
May 5 Office 22
May 9 Conference Room

Before the meetings, please examine all the candidates’ resumes at the company wiki. Send me your
ranking lists before May 1 so that we can work together to invite the top interns that you select.

Aaron Alexander
[ Full contact information ]

11. Formatting an Interoffice Memo

Company Name

MEMORANDUM

Date:

To:

From:

Subject: Enhancing Our Website

As you requested, I am submitting the following suggestions for improving our website. Because…
Here are three suggestions.

1. Explain Purpose.

2. List Events.

3. Answer Questions.

Our website can be more informative and boost our business remarkably if we implement some of
these ideas. Are you free to talk about these suggestions at 10 a.m. on Tuesday, June 15?/ If you have
questions, call R or write to her at …

31
10. Direct letter welcoming customer—block style
Letterhead
Dateline: September 15, 2023

Inside address: Mr. and Mrs. Albert Pezz, address

Salutation: Dear Mr. and Mrs. A:

Subject: Welcome to Aurora Veterinary Hospital

Body:

Sincerely,

Organization name:

Author’s name: Carmela N. Goodman, DVM

Reference initials: CNG:cef

11. Thank-you letter for a favor

October 28, 2023

Ms. Rebecca Lennox

Vice President, Marketing
[address]

Dear Ms. Lennox:

The Los Angeles chapter of the Global Marketing Association extends its sincere thanks to you for a
most entertaining and enlightening presentation on October 25.

Your description of the expansion of Toys "R" Us into China mesmerized our members, particularly
when you told about the demands of Chinese culture. We were surprised to learn that some toy
companies-notably Mattel-have struggled in China because parents seem to prefer burying their
children in school books, and play is a four-letter word. As a result, your company has had to
emphasize educational toys to win over the fiercest of strict tiger moms. You told us that affluent
Chinese consumers prefer toy microscopes, building blocks, and other educational toys rather than
Barbie dolls.

32
In addition to your good advice about entering the Chinese market, we enjoyed your sense of humor
and jokes - as you must have recognized from the uproarious laughter. What a great routine you do
on faulty translations!

We're grateful, Ms. Lennox, for the stimulating and instructive evening you provided for our
marketing professionals.

Cordially,
Adam L. Russo
Program Chair, GMA

ALR: mef

33