PIGEON-LIVERED

Sophiya Sian

20.09.2023
1 EXT. TESTING FACILITY, THE 'MIDDLE OF KNOWHERE' - DAWN 1

Scene opens on the burned remains of an office in a field.

MACRO SHOTS of melted typewriter, charred desk and papers
lit by cold, morning light. Glowing embers float in the
air. Large, undefined SHADOW spreads over desk. Various
sounds (dragging footsteps, squeaks, flaps) suggest the
SHADOW is not human. Vibrating breaths of SHADOW draw
closer and mist the lens. Moisture from SHADOW drops onto
hot ash. Talon-fingers enter frame and neatly adjust
typewriter’s position, skin hisses on contact. SHADOW
leaves frame.

CUT TO SHADOW's formal trousers and dress shoes, slowly

retreating through ashy grass. We hear large flapping
noises. Camera slowly PANS UP to reveal giant bird of prey
soaring far above. Animated Title Sequence commences.

2 ANIMATED TITLE SEQUENCE ‘PIGEON-LIVERED’ 2

Bird of prey lands on the roof of a gargoyled corporate

building. Through the window, a young CHILD is handed a
letter and runs out of the room into a lift. Credits roll
as we follow the CHILD out of the building on a journey to
the MIDDLE OF KNOWHERE. We travel through many strangely
beautiful, animated terrains. Details in COLOUR slowly
shift to BLACK AND WHITE.

3 EXT. THE FIELD OFFICE, THE ‘MIDDLE OF NOWHERE’ - 3

MORNING

A MATCH CUT transitions the CHILD into BLACK AND WHITE LIVE
ACTION as she frolics and whistles through the grass of the
MIDDLE OF KNOWHERE. Gentle breeze, pigeon coos can be heard
in the distance. Camera tracks her movement and Pans Across
to reveal an 'office' setup beneath a single tree in the
middle of the field. The tree stands with a wooden ladder
disappearing up into it. An empty doorframe separates the
tree from the ‘office’ which is centred around a familiar
desk next to a full waste-paper bin, radiator and filing
cabinet. A notice board, coat rack and window suspended on
stakes frame the borders this room without walls. A tired
LADY sits at the desk busy on her typewriter. CHILD enters
frame and hands LADY the letter, receiving no
acknowledgement. As the CHILD leaves, a young, boyish
intern climbs haphazardly down the ladder. His hair is
bird-nest messy – he has clearly been rummaging in the
leaves for some time.

EXTREME WIDE SHOT. The words ‘Human Resources’ are typed on

screen, followed by the official location ‘Middle of
Nowhere, Postcode Prohibited’. Words disappear.

INTERN
Excuse me, Ma’am.
 2.

LADY completely ignores INTERN, absorbed in her frantic

typing. He pauses halfway down the ladder debating whether
to continue speaking. Lady passively glances at INTERN, who
doesn’t notice. We see he has something in his hand, grey
and oval-shaped. He attempts to carefully fit it in his
pocket to make his journey down the ladder easier, it does
not fit. He softly tucks it under his arm and continues
down the ladder. INTERN pauses at the door frame, hides the
object behind his back, then walks decisively toward the
desk.

LADY
(Head down and still typing)
I told you to knock.

INTERN
That was before you told me to take
the down the door, Ma’am.

LADY says nothing but looks at him with an unreadable,

stern expression, eyes squinted, action briefly paused.

INTERN(CONT’D)
(earnestly)
You said it was letting the draught
in.

CUT TO WIDE SHOT. Wind audibly gusts, blowing the INTERN’s

hair and a few pages both out of the tree and off the desk.
A door in an open field would evidently be of little use
against the wind.

LADY
That was a test.
(A beat. Momentary pause
from typing)
You failed.

CLOSE-UP on INTERN attempting to remain professional. He

tries to fiddle his hair back into place. He fails to save
its appearance. Ashamed and anxious, his lowered head
twitches forward and back slightly.

INTERN
(Mumbles)
Sorry Ma’am.

LADY
(Typing resumes)
Don’t be, it’s a useless test. I've
been telling Head Office to get rid
of it for some time. Any news from
up there?

CUT TO MIDSHOT behind INTERN with Focus Pulled on the oval

object he is now holding behind his back, then pulled on
LADY sitting impatiently in front of him.
 3.

CUT TO Side Profile TWO-SHOT, the INTERN slowly brings the

object in front of him and cradles it with both hands,
looking at it with sorrow. He softly places the object on
the desk without explanation. Both LADY and INTERN look at
it then each other. LADY stares at INTERN for a second
longer than comfortable, she appears unaffected, the INTERN
however is emotional. It is a dead pigeon.

INTERN
The pigeons Ma’am. They’re on
strike. Every last one of them. The
ones that aren’t well, they aren’t
– living.

Eyes well up but remain fixed on LADY not the pigeon.

INTERN attempts to appear unaffected.

LADY
God, here we go.

INTERN
(Nervously coughs and
twitches to bring himself
together)

This one had a full nest to look after Ma’am. If they’re

not delivering post, they’re just falling out of the tree.
(Regains composure) I felt I should let you know so -

LADY
(Looks at pigeon and pushes
it unemotionally toward the
intern and away from her)
You let me know.

INTERN
Yes.

CUT to Side Profile TWO-SHOT. LADY hands INTERN a scrap

piece of paper from the bin, which is overflowing with
crumpled paper.

MATCH CUT to ANIMATED sequence. Crumpled paper rotates in

empty space to reveal a few words (regret, human, pigeons,
department) but nothing intelligible. The LADY clearly has
other concerns.

Back to Live Action. INTERN is grateful and wipes his tear

with it.

LADY
Surely you should be used to this
sort of thing? Your application
said you worked at the zoo.
 4.

INTERN
(Quickly reassuring then
honestly admitting his
aspirations, regaining
composure)
I am and it did Ma’am, but I had
hoped HR would train me in
more … human-related tasks.

LADY + NARRATOR (V.O.)

(Pause. Mechanically recites
the company ethos. NARRATOR
Voice overlaps recitation
midway)
Shame. Well, as Head Office should
have informed you, this HR
Department prides itself on its
‘Inability to deal with human
matters in a humane manner.
Investing in the incompetency of
mankind is at the heart of what
this
company does and –

INTERN
(Chuckles, trying to make
light of situation)
Heart?

LADY immediately stares down INTERN, who flinches,

realising he seemed rude.

LADY
(A stern warning to the
INTERN. Tone is harsher)
And you’d do well to remember it.

LADY (CONT’D)
(Resuming professional
company dialogue)
Unfortunately, our relationship
with the Communications Department
has been difficult of late –

INTERN
(Standing up for his
friends, they're not just
the 'Communication
Department')
The pigeons.
(A beat.)

LADY stares the INTERN down for an uncomfortably long time.

INTERN thought he learned his lesson to be more respectful
the last time. She is too fed up to bother responding.
 5.

LADY
(Nonchalantly giving the
INTERN an impossible task)
Until we get them back on the line
and posting again, you will have to
personally respond to the
complaints backlog.

The INTERN nods obediently. He hesitates, wanting to say

something but nothing comes out.

LADY
Speak.

INTERN
(Flustered. Thoughts rapidly
spilling out.)
There are many many complaints
Ma’am. Most of them requesting an
appointment and with the pigeons
off-line, no one knows where to
reach us.

INSERT WIDE SHOT of the Field Office. Camera movement

implies being watched. Interns complaints becomes
unintelligible.

INTERN (CONT'D)
I tell them to look for the
one tree you know the one with the
branches and and the leaves, you
can’t miss it, but but… they’ve
relocated us to the middle of
nowhere Ma’am! You can do nothing
but miss it –

MIDSHOT of INTERN, audio becomes clear again.

INTERN (CONT’D)
(Nearly exhausted)
I get lost on my way to work each
morning and I live upstairs and –

LADY has been typing and not looking at the INTERN since he
began speaking. She mutters inaudible words under her
breath. INTERN realising the LADY has not paid any
attention loses his composure.

INTERN (CONT’D)
(Breathless and worn out)
Ma’am! If you just stopped typing
for a second, maybe we could fix
(LADY interrupts) some of the
problems.

LADY has been trying to downplay the problems facing the HR

 6.

Department by ignoring the INTERN’s concerns. She pauses

typing. She has heard these complaints and given this
lecture many times. Attempting to appear to know the
answers she responds:

LADY
(Snapping but still
fatigued, desperately wants
the INTERN to understand.
LADY knows what happens to
interns that try and fix the
system)
No problem-solving. It’s the first
rule of HR Intern and you’ve
already forgotten it. As for the
waiting list, well that goes
without saying, doesn't it.

INTERN
(Feeling defeated.
Remembering the Second Rule
of HR, and recognising why
we need these rules)
False hope is better than no hope.

LADY
(Realising this is something
she's told him and her
responsibility in all of
this)
I know the job is tough. We have to
go against our human instincts
–
(A beat.)

Loaded phrase delivered honestly with concerned, direct eye

contact with the INTERN. We hear an opinion from the LADY
for the first time.

LADY (CONT’D)
(looking around, making sure
no one hears, telling the
truth)
with fuck all resources to do so.

The INTERN sighs in relief, he is surprised by this

informality but is glad to know he is not alone in his
view.

LADY (CONT’D)
(on the verge of having a
crisis of conscience)
But it get’s bet–
 7.

LADY (CONT’D)
(Erratic. LADY is having a
crisis of conscience)
It gets easier. I’ve been in this
department for decades and only
have a crisis of conscience maybe
once or twice a year.

LADY looks at the notice board beside her. On it is a

marker for every day she has been crisis of conscience
free.

LADY
(Under her breath)
Yep, due one any day now.

LADY (CONT’D)
(LADY looks down, clasps her
hands, takes a deep breath
with raised arms. Then with
consciously exaggerated
optimism)
And what other office job comes
with this much fresh air, eh!

INTERN is visibly uplifted by the LADY’s perfect

demonstration of false hope. Smiling, he mirrors the LADY
and in unison takes a deep breath of fresh air.

LADY
(Earnest. Smiles and
gestures to the INTERN)
Now, go get your head back in the
clouds.

The INTERN’s head twitches a little more followed by a few

involuntary coughs and shudders. He smiles, nods and heads
enthusiastically back up the ladder disappearing into the
tree. LADY lets out a long-held breath.

4 EXT. THE FIELD OFFICE, THE ‘MIDDLE OF NOWHERE’ - DAY 4

LADY is alone. A MID-SHOT brings us closer to her, followed

by an OVER-THE SHOULDER SHOT which finally reveals what she
has been typing all this time. The page still in her
typewriter is titled ‘Letter of Resignation’. After looking
at it ashamed for a moment, She remembers the telegram note
the CHILD gave her, and opens it.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
(Bravado sounding off-screen
voice reads as follows)
REQUEST TO RELOCATE AGAIN DENIED.
Dear [Your Name], Hope you are
well,
 8.

INSERT ANIMATED SEQUENCE at the NARRATOR’s desk in a dark

art-deco ash-filled office space.

NARRATOR
We are sorry to hear that you are
dissatisfied with your relocation
to the Field. A reminder that this
was a generous response to your
previous request for better
ventilation.
The unintended consequence of this
solution however, is it now being
impossible to find the HR
Department and thus process a
complaint through it. We will
closely assess the impact of
relocating the Human Resources to,
as your INTERN succinctly puts it,
‘the middle of nowhere’, though we
calculate there will be none.
(Small print spoken quickly)
*in which case we will proceed with
conversion plans for the Head
Office car park. We look forward to
considering you as a candidate for
any roles required thereafter.

CUT BACK to MID-CLOSE UP of LADY.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
(Resumes normal speed)
We apologise for delays caused by
ongoing strikes at PIGEONPOST CO.
Please do not hesitate to contact
our brilliant HR team with any
concerns. Best Wishes, Head Office.

LADY
(Melancholy and defeated but
not suprised)
‘Contact our brilliant HR Team'.
Well, rather it all end with a
whimper than a bang. Much more
dignified.

A sigh with hand on chin in tired and serious

contemplation. A huge gust of wind. Pigeon droppings land
on her desk and paper. This sparks a resolution for the
LADY, she will not so easily abandon the Pigeons.

LADY (CONT’D)
(Loud, without looking up at
the tree)
Intern!
 9.

INTERN (O.S.)
(Invisible voice from tree
cheerily responds)
Ma’am?

LADY
(Loud)
Put the door back up - and this
time stick a sign on it.

INTERN (O.S.)
Okay? Saying anything in
particular?

LADY
(Still not looking at the
tree)
‘HR SUPPORTS THE STRIKES’. All
caps.

LADY wipes off the pigeon mess with a Pigeon feather

duster. She is burdened by her knowledge of what is really
going on but has a sudden burst of inspiration to fight for
what is right.

LADY (CONT’D)
Those pigeons are fighting the
wrong enemy.

5 EXT. FIELD, THE ‘MIDDLE OF NOWHERE’ - DAY 5

Different day. The INTERN is checking his appearance in a

full length mirror, positioned in a random spot in the
field - nothing else is in sight. His suit is distressed,
ripped in places with some stuffing coming out at the
elbows. Head twitches and coughs have worsened. Get closer
to his reflection, convulses and hits his head on the
mirror. Appears flustered and flaps his arms to waft off
his anxiety, giving himself nods of encouragement.

We FOLLOW him hurriedly past the mirror carrying a stack of

papers. The newly erected door is now visible, isolated in
the field with the sign stuck on it. The INTERN opens the
door and walks inside.

6 INT. REFURBISHED OFFICE, THE ‘MIDDLE OF NOWHERE’ - DAY 6

The same office setup as the Exterior Scenes is revealed

but now inside an room with deep black voids as walls and
harsh sunlight coming through the window. LADY is still
busy typing at her desk. A framed painting of a tree is
hung on the wall behind her. The INTERN remembers to close
the door behind him, but it remains ajar. CUT TO a MEDIUM
SHOT focused on the INTERN. SHALLOW FOCUS shows a blurred
but still noticeable view of the field beyond the door. He
dumps the stack of paper documents on the desk.
 10.

LADY
(Does not flinch, continues
typing frantically)
You didn’t knoc –

INTERN
(Interrupts with a rehearsed
but higher-pitched and
nervous voice)
First of all, I hope the draught is
no longer bothering you.

LADY
I already thanked you for putting
up the door Intern.

INTERN
(Panicked at accidentally
sounding impolite. Composure
temporarily lost)
No that’s, well yes but – you’re
welcome Ma’am.

LADY
(Impatient)
Is there a second of all?

INTERN’S head noticeably twitches back and forth, he coughs

but attempts to sound like a clearing of the throat.
Unconvincingly.

INTERN
(Renewed enthusiasm)
You know how you said there are
some things we should never do.

LADY
What have you done?

INTERN
But that sometimes, especially in
‘morally ambiguous waters’ like
ours, we must in fact do those
things we should never do.

LADY
What have you done?

INTERN
Those are the words of Head Office
itself actually.
(Looking around at an
invisible listener, begins
convulsing trying to hold
himself together)
Yes, yes better to be safe than
sorry.
 11.

LADY gets up and clasps the INTERNS arms, trying to calm

down his erratic movements, she clearly senses something is
not right.

LADY
(Trying to see what the
INTERN is looking at)
This is HR Intern, we are always
sorry. Why are you quoting Head–

INTERN (CONT’D)
(Ignoring LADY, looks around
paranoid and speaks in an
even louder voice, fearing
an unseen listener)
I have followed company protocol
and by no means my own principles.

LADY is fearful and recoils back to her desk. She looks

behind the INTERN as the ajar door begins to open further.
A few faces can be made out waiting behind it.

LADY
(Looks at pile of papers
then at the door, tone is
grave and more concerned)
Principles? Intern, I’m trying to
follow.

INTERN
I have responded to every complaint
we received since relocating to the
Middle of Knowhere.
(A beat.)
With the exact directions of where
to find it.

LADY
(Deeply worried)
Oh dear God.

7 EXT. DOOR IN FIELD, THE ‘MIDDLE OF KNOWHERE’ - DAY 7

CUT TO EXTREME WIDE SHOT of the isolated ajar door in the

empty field. (ANIMATED) A never-ending queue of people
starting from the door trails off frame.

“THE MIDDLE OF KNOWHERE” is typed on screen but with the

addition of a handwritten ‘K’.

8 INT. REFURBISHED OFFICE, THE ‘MIDDLE OF KNOWHERE’ - DAY 8

Return to office interior. INTERN seen at a LOW ANGLE and

LADY from a HIGH ANGLE.
 12.

INTERN
The precise postcode in fact.

LADY
(stands up quickly)
Not possible. We don’t know our own
address.

LADY and INTERN enter a visibly intense conversation, we do

not hear what they are saying. NARRATOR smugly speaks over
them.

NARRATOR (V.O)
She’s right, we managed to not only
find Knowhere but buy land slap
bang in the middle of it. And as is
the official decree of every
history textbook to date, finders
keepers –
we found it so nobody else could.

CUT TO ANIMATED SEQUENCE where NARRATOR directly delivers

his monologue.

NARRATOR
Humanity is incompetent and that,
dear viewer, is your selling point.
Navigation systems, at least all
man-made ones can almost always
take you nowhere – but never to the
middle of it. Unfortunately the
Intern has compromised the beauty
of this system and must terminate
along with it. Do accept our
apologies for such truly
inconvenient circumstances, he was
a nice enough lad this one.

CUT BACK TO the conversation between INTERN and LADY.

INTERN
(In naive good humour)
I admit I am slightly proud of my
methods. As you well know the
Middle of Nowhere, is by definition
beyond
cartographical reach, it cannot be
navigated to … by man that is.

INTERN is gleeful. This discovery is not news to us or the

LADY. The LADY's determination to fight for the right thing
was limited to a sign. Misinterpreted by the INTERN as the
start of a revolution.
 13.

LADY
You were never supposed to
fraternise with the pigeons
Intern, we support them from a
morally ambiguous distance,
you know this.

INTERN
(Beginning to get
increasingly honest)
Sorry Ma’am, but it is quite hard
to keep them at a distance when
your office is halfway up a tree.
Besides, I did not fraternise, I
interrogated kindly.

LADY
(sits down again, gives up
hope, understands the
traumatic events to follow)
So you fraternised.

INTERN
(Twitches then with
unabashed certainty)
Yes.
(Brings himself to together
then with blunt and
confiding honesty)
Head Office is turning us into a
car park. I read their message too.

LADY who has stared him down many times avoids eye contact.

INTERN(CONT’D)
(With sincerity, proof of
his inherently good human
nature)
That is unless we prove they still
need us? As resourceful humans that
is what we should provide. Anyway
the pigeons aren’t some breed of
anarchist flying rat, they aren’t
even flying. I know what pain looks
like, and Ma’am there is so much of
it up there. They know things, and
occasionally share a few of them.

INTERN awaits further prompting. LADY is listening.

 14.

INTERN(CONT’D)
(The unnatural forces inside
him begin to take over
again)
I pledged my complete and
unwavering support in exchange for
the exact address of the Middle of
Knowhere.

LADY having not been able to get a word in looks at him

with fixed, sad eyes, she senses Head Office will not let
this slide. The naive INTERN misinterprets her concern.

LADY
Complete and unwavering eh?

INTERN
(Final words. Wide-eyed,
coughs, emphatic movements,
force about to consume him)
I know I know, I’m confusing real
hope with false hope again, or
perhaps the other way around. But
if we at least tried to do our
jobs, maybe we could keep them. And
that wouldn’t matter, anymore.

INTERN smiles innocently with naive hope. Again he looks

around sharply with jerks of the head, and coughs. His
spine begins to give way, bringing him down to the LADY's
height. LADY gets up and hugs him sympathetically, but
knows there is no hope for him.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The INTERN’S heart was in the right
place, even we knew that, but the
Head Office by definition does not
have a heart and cannot listen to
what it does not have.

9 EXT. THE FIELD OFFICE, THE ‘MIDDLE OF KNOWHERE’ - DAY 9

CUT TO Extreme Wide Shot of the original office setup in

the field. The queue of people and the door have
disappeared. The INTERN is still pinned by this distressing
and unnatural force. The LADY and INTERN are in the same
position but outside. The LADY stops hugging the INTERN and
returns slowly to her desk.

CUT TO Low Angle CLOSE UP of the INTERN still naively

smiling at the LADY. He looks very unwell, but doesn’t seem
to fully notice his flushed face and worsening twitches. He
loosens his tie and rotates his head with sharp involuntary
looks around him, his eyes become bloodshot and his pupils
dilate. He is disturbingly disoriented. Red in the face
from lack of oxygen, he wanders in confusion around the
 15.

space until, in a shot from the LADY's POV, he blankly

stares at her for an uncomfortable period of time.

MATCH CUT TO ANIMATED SEQUENCE where the INTERN’s facial

transformation takes place. Eyes shift to the side of his
head. Nose and mouth merge into a disfigured beak.
Distressed breathing and flapping sound intensifies.

CUT TO MID CLOSE UP of LADY. She looks at her typewriter

but does not type and winces at the sound of a bodily snap,
averting her gaze. A few grey feathers float down into
frame. In the distance, the whistles of the CHILD can be
heard, the work day is coming to an end. The LADY signs off
her letter. The CHILD enters frame. As always, she is sweet
and content despite the implied horror that has just taken
place. The LADY takes the paper out of her typewriter,
folds it and clasps it between the CHILD’s hands - no eye
contact. We do not see whether this is the resignation
letter or not. The CHILD reassuringly smiles at the LADY
despite a lack of acknowledgment and, out of respect for
the new recruit, looks over and smiles without judgement at
a small creature on the LADY’s desk. A deformed BABY PIGEON
resembling the INTERN stares blankly back, with no sign of
consciousness behind its eyes.

CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS OUT. LADY looks forward where the

INTERN once stood. Automatically, she puts a sheet of paper
in the typewriter and looks down to begin typing. CUT to
CLOSE-UP of the LADY’s fingers hesitating over the keys.
Pulling away from her desk, the LADY begins to pack up her
things, putting on her coat as she leaves out the door then
out of frame. The CHILD can be spotted frolicking in the
distance. The INTERN has joined the ranks of the rest of
the failed Interns, now another messenger on strike up in
the tree. FADE TO BLACK.

10 EXT. TESTING FACILITY, THE 'MIDDLE OF KNOWHERE' - NIGHT 10

Pitch black. Sounds from a bird with a large wingspan can

be heard in the distance. The same flapping noises from
opening scene get closer as the being descends from the
skies into footsteps. Sudden light, a match is struck, the
SHADOW's bird form becomes slightly visible, wet with
moisture from the sky. Lit match is thrown out of frame.
Pitch black. EXTREME WIDE SHOT of the office in the field
with a small flame at the bottom of the tree growing to
engulf the entire office set in a roaring inferno. Pigeons
awaken and those that can fly attempt to flee the scene.
Hundreds of silhouetted birds swarm in chaos around the
flame, squawking in distress. The SHADOW's huge bird form
walks into frame to view the spectacle and gradually
transforms into the NARRATOR form. The typewriter melts,
the paper bin is in flames. The fire burns out. Pitch
black. We hear a tree fall.
 16.

11 EXT. THE FIELD OFFICE, THE ‘MIDDLE OF KNOWHERE’ - 11

MORNING

Dawn rises. Opening score plays. Pigeon coos can be heard.

CHILD enters the frame, the camera tracks her movement
through the field in a stationary PANNING SHOT. CAMERA
STOPS when it frames the same office in the field. Score
intensifies. All is untouched by the burning from the night
before. A LADY is at the desk, but she is too distant to be
recognisable. The cycle continues.