CHAPTER 9: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP 1.

Identity crush

Adolescence is the stage when many personal relationships such as the so-called romantic relationship are usually Identity crushes are formed when an adolescent finds someone he/ she admires, wants to imitate, or wishes to
formed. Romantic relationship may begin with being attracted to someone, develop into loving him or her, and end up with follow as his/her leader. These often last long because the admirer is using his/her 'crush' in shaping his/her values, ideals,
committing to spend the lifetime with that person. personality, and development.

Romantic relationships are the core of the social life of many adolescents from middle to late adolescent stages. In 2. Romantic crush
these stages, there is much thought, talking, and fantasizing about being in a romantic relationship. Though most adolescent
romantic relationships are short-lived, these have great impact on adolescents' life. The way they handle such early romantic Romantic crushes are formed when an adolescent finds someone as attractive and feels the desire to be around or
relationships may determine their behavior in their future committed relationships in adulthood. spend a lot of time with him/her. Most romantic crushes are short-lived because there is a tendency for the 'magic' (or charm)
of the 'crush' to wear off. However, having a romantic crush may give an awareness to an adolescent that he/she is capable of
Teenage romantic relationships are usually not the serious ones. Often transitory, they are normally deemed as more having a "romantic love" in the future.
or less "puppy love" kind of relationship. But though they are not expected to end up in marriage, they nonetheless play an
important role in the daily life of adolescents and have noteworthy implications on their mental health and well-being, In both types of crushes, there is the desire to be like the 'crush' in some ways, get his/her approval, and be mutually
continuing development, and imminent romantic relationships. liked by him/her. Crushes can serve as an inspiration to study hard and perform well in an endeavor.

It is thus essential to study the effects of these relationships on the lives of adolescents. Characteristically, romantic The common expressions of this form of attraction include seeing and talking with the focus of attention, writing
relationship is a part of their development, a common issue for them, a focus of their concern and thoughts, and frequently the love letters or notes, giving gifts, doing errands and other sacrifices for him/her, and referring to him/her using terms of
cause of intense positive and negative emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger, and jealousy. endearment.

Lecture: On Teenage Relationships Hero worship is another form of attraction. This is very similar to crush, though it differs in the sense that it is
characterized by the absence of personal contact with the one being admired (or the object of the "crush"). It is like "celebrity
Teenage relationships may start with attraction, develop into love, and, if various factors permit, end up in crush" in which the object of affection is loved from afar.
commitment.
Hero worship can serve as an inspiration to strive for success, helping individuals to set and achieve their goals.
Attraction However, the effects on the admirer can either be negative or positive, depending largely on the image of the one being
'worshipped.' If the one being 'worshipped' is a bad influence (i.e.manifesting rebellious and other negative traits), the admirer
Attraction can be considered as a precursor to love. When one is attracted to another person, there is the physical or or the 'hero worshipper' may be adversely affected.
sexual feeling or desire being felt. Attraction is responsible for the desire to feel (e.g. kiss, hold the hand, or touch) the object of
affection. Some say that it is the "chemistry" part of love. Courtship can be considered under attraction stage. Courtship is a phase in a romantic relationship prior to
engagement and marriage. It involves the "getting to know each other" part which could be a basis for the persons involved
Adolescents are usually attracted to physical beauty. Individuals who display good grooming and hygiene normally whether or not they will upgrade their relationship to a higher level. The following are the stages of courtship:
get more attention. But there are those who are attracted to individuals who are intelligent, with sense of humor, or with good
personality. Persons who are sociable, cheerful, and who display positive dispositions are preferred. Similarity in interests, 1. Dating
intelligence level, socio-economic status, or religious affiliation may also serve as cause of attraction. Nonetheless, as a
manifestation of the adage "opposite poles attract," some are attracted to people who have personalities opposite to their own. This is a process which offers opportunity for an individual to know more about another person (especially a
potential boyfriend/girlfriend) and have a friendly association or enjoyable time with him/ her. Usual activities in dating are
Age may also be a factor in attraction. Adolescents are typically attracted to people of the same age, though girls eating out in restaurants, malling. engaging in games together (e.g. computer games and sports activities), and watching movies
may tend to prefer older boys. Other bases of attraction include race or ethnicity, family background, popularity. and wealth. or concerts. In this stage, there is usually no commitment whatsoever between the two persons. Dating is an activity common
to individuals in late adolescence stage.
Some Forms of Attraction
2. Selective Stage
Crush is a form of attraction. According to author E. Hurlock, crush is "the love of an adolescent toward an older
member of the same or opposite sex" (as cited in Kapunan, 1971, p. 85). This type of attraction encompasses a "transfer of After dating, a person decides whether or not to continue 'seeing' a certain individual. In this stage, a person also
affection from the parents to either a teacher or an older classmate" (Kapunan, 1971, p. 85). This is why in adolescence, crushes starts selecting the individual who will be his or her "steady," that is, the person with whom he/she wants to have a romantic
to older individuals are common. The usual bases of crush are the traits which the adolescents view as nice, ideal, or admirable. relationship.
The following are the two types of crush:
3. Going 'Steady' - can be considered as stronger than friendship because of the presence of intimacy. There is no passion
but long-term commitment exists. This kind of love is what we observe in long-standing marriages and in
This is the stage where a sort of romantic relationship is made official. Tis is marked by the presence of 'mutual the love among family members.
understanding' between two persons. This stage involves some sort of agreement, such as exclusively dating each other and the  Fatuous love
intention to probably proceed to marriage in the future. - concrete examples of this are whirlwind romances and marriages. There is passion which resulted to
commitment. But since there was a rush decision to commit, there was no opportunity for intimacy.
 Consummate love
4. Engagement Period - The perfect and ideal form of love everybody desires to achieve. According to Sternberg, couples in this
kind of love cannot find happiness from other persons aside from their respective partner. The loving
This is the part where the couple is formally (and usually publicy) known as "engaged." This encompasses a sort of relationship persists and survives difficulties. The couple's romantic activities may go beyond years.
contract and promise that on a set date, the engaged couple will marry each other. This also entails setting things for the However, this kind of love is hard to achieve and even harder to sustain. It may not last, as passion may
wedding. fade, but there is a possibility that it could weaken into companionate love.

Sociologically, courtship ends either in marriage (wedding or settling down) or formal break up. Life coaches and Commitment
counselors nonetheless suggest that for a relationship to last, courtship should persist even within the married life.
Commitment in a relationship is a promise, pledge, or decision to stick by each other through the ups and downs of
Love the relationship. Commitment is about wanting and deciding to stay together as a couple in the future - despite twists and turns
that life encounters.
Love, truly, is something which cannot be fully captured in any single definition. As it is subjectively defined, there
could be as many definitions of the concept as there are many people defining it. Indeed, love can really be a many splendored The following are the three dimensions of commitment in intimate relationships (Goddard, 2015):
thing.
1. Commitment as an attraction or the "want to" aspect.
Love is a very multifaceted and complex concept which could be experienced in every stage of human life-childhood,
adolescence, and adulthood. As a way of attempting to somewhat grasp what love is, let us study one theory about it. A person becomes committed to someone because of what the relationship gives to him or her. The relationship
may be a source of satisfaction and happiness.
The Triangular Theory of Love
2. Commitment as a moral obligation or the "ought to" aspect.
The psychologist Robert Sternberg is one of the experts who theorized about love. Based on his "triangular theory of love," love
has three components such as intimacy, passion, and commitment. Resulting from the combination of these components are The decision to stay in a relationship, even if it is no longer satisfying, is because of its being an oath or a duty. For
eight types of love ("Triangular theory of love," n.d.): instance, in most religious organizations, marriage is a lifetime commitment and couples should not be divorced or separated.

 Nonlove 3. Commitment as a constraint or the "have to" aspect.

- where the three components of love are absent. This kind of love refers to the most common relationship
Many people decide to stay in a relationship or a marriage because getting out of it will involve risks and
humans make such as informal interactions or acquaintances.
consequences. Considerations may include finances, children's welfare, and reputation or career.
 Liking/friendship
- characterized by feelings of closeness without passion and commitment.
 Infatuated love
- there is experience of passionate excitement but intimacy and decision/commitment are missing. When Unacceptable and Acceptable Expressions of Attraction
the feelings do not continue to grow with intimacy and commitment, this kind of love may suddenly fade.
 Empty love Adolescents, especially the ones who are new to relationships, are commonly very impulsive. They want to spend
- just as the name implies, there is no love or passion but only commitment. Examples of this are the fixed almost every minute with their respective source of love or attraction. Unaware, some may be displaying unacceptable
marriages. However, a couple may begin with empty love and develop into other forms of love. expressions of attraction.
 Romantic love
Though expressions of attraction may vary from one culture to another, the following are some commonly
- the components intimacy and passion are present. There is physical and emotional bond but
acceptable and generally unacceptable expressions of attraction:
commitment is missing.
 Companionate love
Acceptable: 2. Attraction

1. Glancing at each other a. Making eye contact

b. Smiling
2. Verbal communication - saying 'I love you' or I 'like you' c. Doing favors
d. Sending sweet messages
3. Smiling
3. Commitment
4. Writing letters
a. Make the relationship or marriage an essential part of life. Sometimes, because of many responsibilities, relationship
5. Phone calls or chatting
or marriage becomes least prioritized. To make it work, both parties should have a mutual effort to make it a priority.
6. Giving presents b. Avoid anything that will destroy trust. Set clear rules on how to avoid temptations. For instance, establishing a rule
both will avoid going out or spending time with other people will have a possible threat to the marriage.
7. Showing attraction through social media (with limitations) c. Create a regular routine for bonding. Establish activities that will nourish the relationship, such as jogging together,
eating out, or watching movies. Think of activities that will promote intimacy and strengthen commitment.
8. Holding hands

9. Walking arm in arm Lecture: Some Ways and Guidelines to Become Responsible in a Relationship

10. Kiss on the cheeks or 'beso-beso' in some occasions Chances are, sooner or later, you will also experience being involved in a romantic relationship. Hence, it is
important that you have some knowledge on how to be responsible in a relationship.
11. Going out (usually with chaperons)
Becoming responsible in relationships
Unacceptable:
The following are some of the suggested ways by which one can become responsible in a relationship.
1. Kissing/cuddling/holding in public
1. Make sure that you enter into a relationship because you feel that you are ready for it, so that whatever heartaches you may
2. Flirting
encounter (such as those brought about by breakups), you will have no regrets.
3. Invading personal space
2. Make an assessment of your level of maturity. One needs to be at least emotionally mature to face challenges accompanied
4. Intimate activities by being involved in relationships.

5. Back rubbing/massaging/caressing/stroking 3. Before doing anything, be sure to weigh the risks and the consequences of your actions.

Knowing these acceptable expressions and their counterparts will enable you to be responsible and be mindful of 4. Do not be afraid or shy to approach mature individuals, especially your parents, to ask or consult on things regarding
yourselves when you are in a relationship. These will also serve as a guide to free you from criticisms of other people. relationships.

Here are some other ways of showing love, attraction, and commitment. For adolescents, romantic relationship could be some sort of a trial and error and is fleeting. It could be stressful
because of lack of experience and knowledge. But in romantic relationships, adolescents may learn how to manage various
1. Love emotions and adopt some coping strategies such as in cases of break-ups. In addition, they may learn effective communication
and improve their interpersonal skills as they could learn the art of compromising. Romantic relationships may give adolescents
a. Verbal expressions. Using kind words and giving compliments. the chance to better themselves.
b. Thanking and showing gratitude even for the little things done
c. Listening or paying attention
d. Showing through actions and behavior
e. Spending quality time
f. Giving gifts and surprises
Helpful Guidelines 9. Remember that love, too, can be hurting.

In his book Essential Life Lessons, blogger Jensen DG. Mañebog enumerates some adages (with corresponding For people whose lives suddenly become colorful because of it, love is what makes the world go round. But for those
elucidations) that are helpful in understanding the concepts love and commitment and in becoming responsible in a romantic who loved but were badly hurt, love could be the most disgusting thing, and to love, the most stupid act.
relationship. Under the chapter "Love, Courtship, and Marriage," he provides the following guidelines (Mañebog, 2013):
10. Relationship requires calculated risk-taking.
1. Invest in a good relationship.
That not all relationships succeeded and that love is also pessimistically portrayed prove that love involves risk-
A good relationship can improve many aspects of your life. It can strengthen your health, give you peace of mind, taking. We'll never know where love shall lead us, or whether it will lead us anywhere. So be a wise risk-taker.
and better your relations with others. Indeed, healthy relationship is like an investment in which, "the more you put in, the
more you can get back." 11. Be wise in love.

2. Be clear on whom you really love to be with. Francis Bacon once said, "It is impossible to love and be wise." But we say, "In love, everything is possible." So, love
and be wise.
When you are in a relationship, make sure that she or he is the one you really love. Don't lie to yourself. That's basic
in entering into a relationship. 12. Don't believe that 'love is blind.'

3. Don't make 'to love or not to love' a question. It's obsession, not love, which is blind. Love can see. It's just that love is willing to ignore the seen imperfections of
the beloved. (For if love is blind, as they say, then why is there 'love at first sight'?)
Whether you like it or not, it's a fact. In one way or another, we are all involved in the act of loving. So don't make 'to
love or not to love' a question. (After all, it's technically an infinitive.) 13. Remember that you can fall in love with the person you hate.

4. Remember that love involves a leap of faith. 'Feeling' is given and not chosen. If it were chosen, then we would not fall in love with the person we hate. But in
reality, we do. Sometimes, even with someone we hate the most. (Oftentimes, the feeling is just there, period.)
Your partner may not completely understand the promises he or she makes to you, but you believe in those
promises anyway. It's because love does involve a leap of faith. Others take you on faith as well. 14. Make love the reason for your marriage.

5. Be confident in love. Love, not mere physical attraction, ought to be the correct reason for marriage. As Ellen Key expresses it, "Love is
moral even without legal marriage [as in the case of those who are 'in a relationship' and 'engaged'], but marriage is immoral
Love is about confidently cracking a joke without any fear of being judged as a trying hard hopeless joker. Don't without love."
worry: Love sees the efforts, not necessarily the skills.
15. Don't promise eternity.
6. Find security in love.
Promise your lifetime instead. As the common proposition in Philosophy class states, "All men are mortal." (You may
Love is having the confidence that someone is always there at your back. It is about securely knowing that somebody say that sincepeople die, then the hash tag must be #Walang Forever)
is ready to understand, if not necessarily condone, the things you do. But never abuse love's gentleness.
16. Never say you have mastered love.
7. Root your relationship in friendship.
Love is intricately mysterious. Though it can be felt, it cannot be fully comprehended, much less completely
There is truth in Friedrich Nietzsche's (a philosopher) statement, "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that explained. Our explanations and definitions about it are mere humble attempts to express our minimal grasp of what love is.
makes unhappy marriages." So be a friend and a lover to your spouse. After all, a friend is oftentimes the only person you can (Lifetime, therefore, is a journey towards understanding love.)
ever imagine yourself with.
17. Build a bridge of chance for the one you love.
8. Keep in mind: 'Life is also about loving.'
Love is not just a feeling. The feeling must be coupled with favorable actions. As clearly conveyed in the Korean film
Alfred Lord Tennyson states: "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Brief is life but love is My Sassy Girl, "Fate (in love) is building a bridge of chance for the one you love." To build is to act. Sometimes, it even means to
long." John Gay adds: "She who has never loved has never lived." carry out sacrifices.
18. Consider love as a project Becoming a better partner requires sacrifices. When you are upset and disappointed, instead of blaming your
partner, focus on how you could adjust so that conflict would be avoided the next time.
Indeed, more than a mere affection, love is a project. It is a lifetime task, a responsibility. As in other projects, love
does require teamwork. 7. Adhere to the one you truly love.

19. Consider love as a 'destiny.' Being faithful is adhering firmly and devotedly to the one you chose to be committed to. This is one of the valuable
factors for a relationship to last.

8. Keep temptations at bay.

One of the theses I defended in my bachelor's degree is that love is like 'destiny.' That is, it is a combination of what is given and
what is chosen. What is given is the feeling, and what is chosen is the action we take to nurture that feeling. Being faithful does mean not putting yourself in a situation where you are alone with a member of the opposite sex.
Avoid temptations like a plague.
20. Consider love as the completion of the law.
9. Explicitly express that you're satisfyingly committed.
If I were to sum up what love in general is, I think nothing is better than Apostle Paul's pronouncement recorded in
Romans 13:10, which states, thus: "Love does not hurt other people. So, love is the completion of law" (Simple English Bible). Without being overly proud, let others feel that you have eyes only for your partner. If someone is making advances,
let him or her unequivocally realize that you are not interested because you are happily committed.

10. Be clear on your status.

The following, on the other hand, are aphorisms which are helpful in making the relationship last. If one is able to
keep a strong romantic relationship, then it is a good sign that he or she is 'responsible' in a relationship. For this cause, Prof. If you are already married, accept the fact that you are no longer 'single.' Also, don't appear as though you have the
Jensen DG. Mañebog offers the following maxims (Mañebog, 2013): 'It's complicated' status.

1. Do not allow the communication to break down. 11. Avoid intoxicating materials.

In keeping a relationship, communication is essential. It is your way of connecting or relating to your partner and This may sound far-fetched, but yes, avoid drugs and alcohol as these can make you do things which you may regret
making him/her understand who you are and what you think-your ideas, feelings, and sentiments. When communication breaks later.
down, misunderstanding and confusion follow.
12. Don't send wrong or ambiguous messages.
2. Sincerely apologize when you make a mistake.
If you are in any way romantically related to someone, do not give others the impression (by your looks, behaviors,
If it's your fault, you could say "I'm sorry" In various ways. You may express it in a funny or 'cute' manner-but never or words) that you are still available.
in a sarcastic way. In other words, make it a habit to honestly apologize when you commit a mistake.
13. Keep him/her posted.
3. Be creatively loyal.
Always update your partner about what is happening in your life. This is also to earn his or her trust.
See to it that you and your partner are enjoying each other's company. Be creative for this cause.
14. Avoid accusations.
4. Make 'commitment' an everyday task.
Do not accuse your partner of cheating unless you know it for sure. Accusing him/her of infidelity is like saying that
Keeping one's commitment should be an everyday task. Relationship could indeed last, but you have to work on it. you don't trust your partner. Trust is a must for a relationship to work.
Being faithful is a key factor in strengthening a romantic relationship.
15. Mutually work together for the relationship.
5. Urgently fix your problems.
On a regular basis, spend quality time with your partner. Mutually work together in building up the relationship.
Address and find solutions to all problems in your relationship without delay. Make an effort to tend to all aspects of
the relationship. 16. Have clean fun with your partner.

6. Be willing to sacrifice by making adjustments.

 Spend quality time together. Think of playful ways to surprise your partner, like bringing computer games or game
cards. Playful encounters can also ease tensions.

17. Learn from each other.

Consider your partner as a mirror. Learn from the reflection which you could see through him or her. Is your spouse
fond of eating fatty foods? Chances are you are also consuming a lot of those foods.

18. Be sensitive to what he or she likes.

Take time to find out how your partner feels about things and how he or she would be pleased. Knowing what your
partner wants is part of a healthy romantic relationship.

19. Remember that 'love understands.'

Blaise Pascal said, "The heart has reason that reason itself does not understand." Leo Tolstoy testified, "All,
everything that I understand, I understand only because of love." So, be understanding in love, for love itself understands.

20. Consider the above mentioned lines not as hard and fast rules.

The formulas for successful relationship are mere crude approximations. Just as life is confusing, love is complex. But
this complexity is what makes love interesting. (Remember that we, humans, are also complex beings, that simple things cannot
satisfy us.)