14 Tips to Find Like

Minded People (Who

Understand You)
June 21, 2019 David A. MorinLast updated August 6, 2022
Scientifically reviewed by Viktor Sander B.Sc., B.A.

Here’s how to find friends who are more like you – people with similar interests and mindsets
that you can connect with.

I grew up in a small town, as an introvert, which made it hard for me to find like-minded. In
this guide, I show what methods actually work to find people like you and turn them into
friends. (I’ve tried all these methods myself.)
This guide works no matter your current social situation or the size of the city you live in.
Here’s how to find like-minded people:

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1. Get to know people around you on a

deeper level
I’ve learned that you can meet like-minded friends in the most unexpected places. But I
missed out on many chances because I didn’t make an effort to get to know people. My
problem was that I wrote them off too quickly.

For example, there was one guy in my high-school that I never talked to. We saw each other
every day for 3 years. When we finally started talking and figured out that we liked each
other, we became best friends. My problem was that I, first of all, didn’t like small talk, and if
I tried making it, I wasn’t able to transition into more interesting conversation. (And when
you only make small talk, everyone sounds shallow).

I made it a habit to talk to people. I then learned to transition from making small talk to
finding out if we had mutual interests or commonalities.

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To get past the small talk, check out our guide on how to make interesting conversation.
2. Go to meetup groups related to your
interests
Going to meetups is a tip that I hear over and over, but it’s not as easy as people say.

The problem is that if you go to a Meetup event, (Meetup.com or Eventbrite.com, for

example) you’re most likely to meet a bunch of people one time. Plus, you have to mingle
witch is usually super stiff. It’s awkward to start keeping in touch after one interaction unless
you REALLY hit it off. To have the chance to get to know people, you need to meet them on
a regular basis (at least weekly, in my experience).
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There are recurring events on Meetup. Focus on those. There, you have the chance to
meet people again and again, and you have a good shot at getting to know them.
3. Skip loud bars, big parties, and
clubs
To get to know someone, you need to meet up several times and have many in-depth
conversations, as I talked about in the previous step.

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At loud bars, big parties, and clubs, most people aren’t in the mood for deep conversations. It
doesn’t mean that they are shallow. Just that they’re not in that mood at that point.
The exception is smaller house-parties. They are usually not as loud, and it’s easier to get to
know someone over a beer on the couch. If you get invited to a small party by a friend you
have things in common with, it’s likely that you’ll meet other like-minded people there.

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4. Seek out groups for specific

interests
Going to general places, like “new in town-groups” you’ll probably have a lower success rate
than specific interest-groups. You might still find like-minded people there, but you’re
MORE likely to find like-minded people in groups for specific interests.

Look for people who are interested in the same things you are. These people are also more
likely to be like you personality-wise.

Here’s how to meet people with similar

interests:
1. Always look for ways to meet people recurringly
2. Go to Meetup.com and see what interests you
3. Join local interest-based groups on Facebook
4. Start your own group and advertise it on Meetup
5. Join extracurricular activities
6. Join physical meetups
7. Use your mutual interests to start a conversation
5. Search for social events and
communities
When I was younger, I went to a large week-long computer festival every year. There were
many other like-minded there. I know today that I could have made lots of friends there if I’d
had the social skills needed back then. This ties back to the point I made at the start of this
guide:

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To find like-minded, the key is to learn how to make small talk and then transition to personal
conversation. I linked to two guides about that in step 1 of this guide.
My friend, on the other hand, was more socially skilled at that time. He met many new
friends at that computer festival and whenever he went. Why? Because he knew how to small
talk and transition that into personal conversation.

Find social events and communities (related to your interests) where people do things
together.

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Here’s a list for your inspiration:

 Arts
 Chess
 Collecting stuff
 Computer programming
 Cooking
 Cosplaying
 Cycling
 Dancing
 Drawing
 Entrepreneurship
 Fishing
 Geocaching
 Golfing
 Hiking
 Hunting
 Kayaking
 Knitting
 Making movies
 Martial Arts
 Model aircraft/railroads etc
 Motorsports
 Mountain biking
 Playing instruments
 Painting
 Parkour
 Philosophy
 Photography
  Poker
 RC racing
 Reading
 Climbing
 Running
 Singing
 Social issues
 Weightlifting
 Writing
6. Seek out those you might have
things in common with
If you already meet people regularly, like at work or school, the easiest path is to get to know
them better. It might turn out you have things in common with them.

Earlier, I told you about the guy at my high-school that I’d seen every day for 3 years before
we actually started talking and turned into best friends.

Article continues below.

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Make a conscious effort to talk more to people you meet on a regular basis, and figure out if
you have things in common using the methods in step 1. Once you’ve found someone you
have a lot in common with, check out our mega guide on how to make friends.
7. Remind yourself that small talk is in
fact important
I mentioned this shortly in step 1 but decided to make this into a step of its own as it’s so
important.

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I always disliked small talk because it seemed to have no purpose. Only shallow people
seemed to make small talk. In reality, we need to make small talk to “warm-up” before we
can start making interesting conversation.
It’s not really about the words we use or what we talk about. It’s about signaling that we’re
friendly and open to conversation. When you say “How was your weekend?”, what
you’re really saying is “I’m friendly and up for talking with you”.
On the other hand, if you make it a habit to talk to new people only when you have to (as I
did, the first half of my life) you make people think “This person doesn’t seem to like me
because they never talk to me”.

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Now that I understood that small talk is the bridge to getting to know people and figure out of
they’re like-minded, I enjoy small talk so much more.

Here’s my guide on how to start a conversation.

8. Join an online community related to
your interest
When I was younger, I was interested in exercise and weightlifting so I spent a lot of time on
a weight training forum. I made several online friends there, and some, I met in real life. That
was 15 years ago, and today, online forums are several times more powerful with larger,
more niche communities and more opportunities.

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Reddit is powerful as it has uncountable sub-reddits for very specific interests. Then there are
countless forums. On top of that, you have all the Facebook communities. Search for
anything related to your interests, and be active in that community by posting and
commenting.

After a few weeks, people start recognizing your name. Just like seeing someone’s face again
and again in real life, they feel like they know you when they see your nickname over and
over. That’s how you become part of the community, and you don’t need awkward IRL-small
talks.

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The upside to this method is that you can make friends even if you feel uncomfortable
meeting strangers at live meetups. The downside is that most of these friendships will stay
online. (Sometimes, there are opportunities to meet up live, too, as I did with that training
forum.)
Here’s our guide on how to make friends online.
9. Use an app like Bumble BFF
I got recommended to try Bumble BFF by a friend who said she’d met super interesting
people there. I had a hard time taking the app seriously at first, mainly because the name is so
silly.

I was surprised by how interesting people you can find there. Today, I have two good friends
from that app that I hang out with on a regular basis.

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A heads up is that I live in NYC. This app might be less effective in a small town. (Here, I
talk about how to make friends in a small town.)
Here are my tips for being successful on Bumble BFF:

1. On your profile, write down what your interests

are. That way, others can know if you’re
compatible.
2. It’s not a dating app! Skip the photos where you
try to look attractive or cool. Pick a photo where
you look friendly. Also, sassy short texts on your
profile that works on Tinder doesn’t work here.
3. Be picky. I ONLY like profiles where people
write about themselves and I can see that we have
things in common.
Here our review of the best apps and websites for making friends.
10. Start a group related to your
interest
When I lived in a small city, it was harder to find like-minded than here in NYC.

As an example, I love to have deep conversations and when I had just moved to that smaller
city, I was starved on deep conversations. I looked for philosophy groups but couldn’t find
any. I decided to start my own group.

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I told people I thought might be interested even if I’d just met them once, and invited them to
meet up every Wednesday at 7 PM. I asked them to invite their friends, and the group grew.
We met for 6 months or something like that. It’s actually through that group that I met Viktor
Sander, who turned into one of my best friends who now also works as SocialSelf’s in-house
behavioral scientist. Pretty cool!
I joined a friend to another meetup specifically for people with online businesses. That group
was also weekly, and 3 of my best friends are from that group! The founder of that group had
a really clever way to find people:

He promoted his group on Facebook specifically for people who liked other online business
pages in that city. (You can target crazy-specific stuff on Facebook, like only women aged
23-24 who live in the western parts of Kentucky who like Chihuahuas but not Bulldogs.)
Because it was so targeted, he only spent 20-30 dollars, and several people showed
up. Here’s a detailed guide on how to create a group and market on Facebook.
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11. Be involved in a project

When I was younger, one of my interests was making movies. I and some friends from school
used to meet up and work on different film projects. My friends, in turn, involved other
friends, and I got to know a lot of people through these projects.

What’s a project you can be involved in?

You don’t necessarily have to start the project. You can join something ongoing related to
what your interests are. Here are some thoughts on how to find those projects:

Article continues below.

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1. Facebook groups that cover your interests

(Search for things like “Photography”, “DIY
Makers”, “Cooking”)
2. Extracurricular activities at school
3. Interest groups at work
4. Regularly check physical bulletin boards and
Facebook groups you’re already in, like those for
your work or class or neighborhood.
12. Take any opportunity to meet
people
The truth is that you can find like-minded literally everywhere as long as you make it a habit
to get to know people on a more personal level, using the methods in step 1.

For example (this is a crazy story) I made small talk with a cashier at Trader Joe’s last week
(a grocery store) and it turns out we have loads of things in common. We’re both interested in
technology, futurology, biohacking, and AI. This weekend, we’re going to meet up with some
of my friends who are also interested in those things.

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The point is that every person you come across is an opportunity to make friends with. Even
if you’re more likely to find like-minded at events related to specific interests, you might still
meet a soul-sister or soul-brother anywhere.

Therefore, make sure to meet a lot of people. I’ve made a guide here about how to socialize at
an event even if you find it boring.
13. Say yes 2 out of 3 times
In the previous step, I talked about how it’s important to meet a lot of people. Personally, my
knee-jerk reaction was to say no to invites, because I like to spend lots of time by myself. To
overcome that, I tried saying yes to all invites, but that was impractical.

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A good rule that a friend taught me is to say yes to 2 out of 3 invites. That means that you can
say no to when it really doesn’t work for you, but you still say yes to the majority of invites.

The risk with saying no to too many invites is that people soon stop inviting you. Not because
they don’t like you, but because it doesn’t feel good to be turned down.

14. Follow up with people you hit it off

with
I used to be really bad at keeping in touch with friends, because a) I didn’t know what to keep
in touch about and b) I was afraid that they wouldn’t respond (Fear of rejection).
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If you feel like you had a good connection with someone, make sure to take their number.

What I mean by good connection:

 The conversation flows effortlessly

 Both laugh sincerely
 You don’t just make small talk but talk about
something both are passionate about
If you don’t feel this connection, that’s no big issue. I didn’t do that very often before I
consciously started practicing conversation skills. Again, I have some links in step 1 of this
guide for that.

Whenever you meet someone you connect with and have something in common with, use
that commonality as an “excuse” to keep in touch with them.

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Example:

“Really fun to talk to someone who’s also read Foucault. Let’s keep in touch and maybe
meet up and talk philosophy some day! Do you have a number?”
And then, you can text a few days later. “Hi, David here. Was nice talking with you. Want to
meet up this weekend and talk more philosophy?”
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I took a big step in my personal development when I overcame the fear of rejection. Yes,
sure, there’s always a risk someone might not respond. But that doesn’t mean that you
shouldn’t at least try (If you don’t you might miss out on making a new friend.)
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…

How to find like-minded people, in

summary
Finding like-minded friends has 6 parts to it:
 1. Get to know people before you write them
off: Make a sincere effort to get to know people
before you assume you don’t have anything in
common.
2. Improve your conversation skills: Practice your
conversation skills so you get to know people on
a deeper level and can create chemistry.
3. Take all chances to socialize: You need to meet
lots of people to find people you click with.
4. Look for places you can meet recurringly: You
want to meet people at least every week so you
can develop a friendship with them.
5. Look for places where people share your
interests: You can improve your chances by
going to places where people share your interests.
6. Follow-up with people you like: Dare to keep in
touch with people you’ve met. Use your mutual
interest as the “reason” for meeting up.
I know that this sounds like a lot, but you only need to take the first step to get going and then
you can learn along the way.

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What’s a first step you can take right now to start finding people like you? Let me know in
the comments below!

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1. Learn to get past shallow small talk.
2. Know where to find people who are more like you
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David Morin is the founder of SocialSelf. He's been writing about social skills since 2012. Follow on Twitter or read
more.
Go to Comments (14)
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14 Comments
Add a Comment
1. thisTangle
November 4, 2021 at 5:57 am
Great tips on how to go about finding like-minded folks
and people who share mutual interests. Good read!

Reply
2. Anon
July 25, 2021 at 4:21 pm
In my previous life I had friends who were only
interested in my friendship as either an unpaid therapist
or unpaid lawyer or for what they could get out of me. At
some point I decided enough was enough of these
pointless one sided friendships and I cut all ties with
everyone I knew and moved interstate. Funny thing was
no one noticed that I moved. My previous friendships
were dysfunctional and I have not made any new
friendships where I live now. I don’t find I have a lot in
 common with most people.But have not tried to make
friends because my previous friendships were not even
real. I guess I will die friendless which doesn’t make me
happy but seems that that is what I need to be content
with.

Reply
3. Mateusz
August 7, 2020 at 6:06 pm
Funny coincidence cause I’m interested in very similar
things comparing to you haha. Well, I guess you can find

them anywhere like you said… 😉

Thanks for your advice
What do you think on the book “How to Win Friends
and Influence People”? Do you think that’s a useful
resource for improvement?

Reply
 David A. Morin
November 18, 2020 at 5:21 pm

Nice! 🙂 I think it’s an awesome book. It’s on

my top list
here: https://socialself.com/blog/books-
improve-social-skills/
Reply
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5. Steve
May 27, 2020 at 5:41 pm
For me, It just needs to work out naturally, if I try to
force finding friends whether male or female it never
works and never has, Also I’m older now (just turned 57)
which makes it more difficult. I don’t believe any of the
“I’m too attractive” posts, I’ve heard this type statement
all of my life but have never seen a truly attractive
person being alone or having any problem obtaining at
least some type of relationship

Reply
 April
June 10, 2020 at 11:54 am
It’s not for you to believe or not believe. If
someone says that’s their experience, just like
you stated yours, do you think you could
muster a little compassion at the very least?
Why does everyone have the need to believe
or not believe this position without offering
compassion? It’s like it’s taboo or something.
 Reply
6.[5.] Xakia
May 8, 2020 at 9:02 am
HI Elle,
I hear you, I am no good at small talk or superficial
conversation. I understand one has to engage in it to
behave in a society. I follow the norms and make polite
conversation. I cannot go deep with people as they loose
interest in me. I am single and 51 years old, everyone I
know is married or in a relationship or looking for one.
they also have kids. They donot understand that I donot
have kids nor am i interested in being a couple, but I do
like friends. Maybe I am selfish, I donot know.

Reply
7.[6.] Elle
March 28, 2020 at 5:11 am
I’m a woman and have been told by men often that I am
gorgeous, stunningly beautiful, etc. OK, that’s nice, but
that’s all it is. Women, on the other hand don’t seem to
want to be friends with me. Therefore, I have mostly
men friends. A LOT of loser men fall in love with me as
I am also entrepreneurial and very successful. I’m also a
single mom. I find that the successful men however want
someone without kids. OK I get it, but … who is left to
hang out with and make friends with ? One would think
that all these positive qualities would bring lots of
friends and love, but amazingly it hasn’t. I am social and
outgoing but also a true intellectual so I can’t do
superficial conversations ad nauseam, and crave deep
conversations and real and reciprocal friendships. In
brief, just wanted you to know you are not alone, it
happens more than we think. And they would love you at
the retirement home ! Most of my women friends are 20
years older than me so there you have it.

Reply
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9.[8.] Kari
January 24, 2020 at 6:16 am
Great article. I have no trouble ever, as my social skills
my strength. My 1st reaction, I’m not like this guy at all.
I kept reading though. It verbalized things I felt and
instinctually did. But more advice where and why to go
in the direction I do and leads to more than I ever
thought. Why I go where I do and what I recoil from. I’m
not as socially perfect as I thought. What I do miss a key
factor not what I havent. Then the comments..only
proving all pointed out. We assume a lot about people
 and as said..write them off easily. 1st comment..a
attractive man, lonely by it! A desire most would kill for,
even nice looking..always called cute but never hot.
Have wished I was. To read that, nailed the point made.
The way people really feel you wont know unless you
risk talking to them. For me and many, people dont talk
to someone so obviously attractive. I think out of my
league so dont try. If my motive is interest other than a
friend don’t. I never dreamed it be a problem for people,
only an asset. I gained a lot from the article in 100 ways.
However, his comment backed by another was a huge
eye opener. I fear rejection too..no one would think. I
also hate rejecting anyone. The article changed my
perspective. The few comments tho really changed it. It
explains why I never understood people so attractive and
their failure to see it. They want a deeper connection but
judged on their looks always see it a negative. No
wonder why many I found so attractive hit on me. I didnt
understand. Thinking based on their looks better then
mine, why? I get it now. Just from this. Answered so
much. Sadly..its human nature to be attracted to someone
gorgeous. Exp..Hollywood..simple. Looks are
everything. Then people wonder, when they personally
get so screwed up, how is that possible? Looks, money,
adoration talented and their job a dream come true , still
unhappy and reckless. Suicide to overdoses not
intentional or are. This explained it to me.
Thank you, to even the honest and short commenters.
My view on much changed.

Reply
 April
June 10, 2020 at 11:57 am
Thank you for understanding. I do it, too. If I
see a really attractive person coming toward
me down the hall, I tend to avert eye contact.
I guess it’s just human nature.

Reply
10.[9.] A
August 18, 2019 at 1:49 am
This is going to sound really obnoxious, but I have
trouble making friends because I am considered very
attractive. Women are not inclined to become friends
with me and have told me directly that they feel
intimidated by me and also bad about themselves when
they’re with me because of my looks; when when I
become friends with a guy, he invariably ends up falling
in love with me and then cannot be friends with me
because of his feelings for me. I thought things would
 change as I aged, but I am old now and still thinner and
more attractive than women my age. I know it sounds so
dumb, but it is horrific and lonely and I hate it. I
seriously have thought about just volunteering at
retirement home near me so that I could find at least one
friend to talk to. I know there must be some lonely folks
there and at least I could relate and have conversation.

Reply
 Luke
October 8, 2019 at 10:45 pm
I actually have a similar problem as a man.
Women are usually attracted to me and I can
tell… I feel bad because I’m just not
interested most of the time, and don’t want to
lead them on. This goes for friends as well, I
get really afraid of having to reject people
more often than not. Just wanted to say
you’re not alone. And also, I hope we can
learn to appreciate the gifts we’ve been given
instead of hurting ourselves for the sake of
others.

Reply
 Kari
January 24, 2020 at 6:21 am
Thank you. I never reply to online articles.
Your comment made a huge difference. I see
long ago. You wont read. But leaving it
anyway.

Reply
11.[10.] Anna
July 17, 2019 at 7:13 pm
I found this post very interesting. It just covers the
subject in the way I couldn’t find anywhere else – more

insightful. 🙂 Thanks

Reply
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