Copyrighted Material

OCEAN VUONG

Ocean Vuong is the author of the critically

acclaimed poetry collection Night Sky with Exit
Wounds, winner of the Whiting Award, the
Forward Prize for Best First Collection and the
T. S. Eliot Prize. His writings have also been
featured in the Atlantic, Harper’s, the Nation,
New Republic, the New Yorker and the New York
Times. Born in Saigon, Vietnam, he currently lives
in Northampton, Massachusetts.

On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous is his first novel.

It was longlisted for the National Book Award
for Fiction, the Carnegie Medal in Fiction, the
PEN/Hemingway Debut Novel Award and the
International Dylan Thomas Prize, and shortlisted
for the Center for Fiction First Novel Prize.

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ALSO BY OCEAN VUONG

Poetry

Night Sky with Exit Wounds

No
Burnings

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 OCEAN VUONG

On Earth We’re
Briefly Gorgeous

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 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
Jonathan Cape, an imprint of Vintage,
Vintage
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London sw1v 2sa 2SA
SW1V
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Jonathan Cape is partisofpart of the Penguin
the Penguin RandomRandom House
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whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

Copyright © Ocean Vuong 2019

Copyright © Ocean Vuong 2019
Ocean Vuong has asserted his right to be identified as
the author
Ocean Vuong of thishis
has asserted Work
rightintoaccordance
be identifiedwith
as thethe Copyright,
author of this
Work in accordance with Designs and Patents
the Copyright, Actand
Designs 1988Patents Act 1988
Excerpt from “Many Men (Wish Death),” words and music by
Curtis
Excerpt fromJackson,
“Many Men Luis Resto,
(Wish Keni St.
Death),” Lewis,
words Frederick
and music Perren,
by Curtis and Luis
Jackson, Darrell
Branch.
Resto, Copyright
Keni St. © 2003Perren,
Lewis, Frederick by Kobalt MusicBranch.
and Darrell Copyrights SARL,
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World Music, Inc., Bull
Universal–Songs Pen Music,
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of PolyGram All rights
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rights Music, Inc.
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Music, Inc.,byadministered
Universal–Songs by of PolyGram International,
Universal–PolyGram Inc. All rights
International for
Publishing,
Perren-Vibes Music,
Inc. All rights for Inc.,
Figgaadministered
Six Music by Universal–PolyGram
administered by Downtown International
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Publishing, Inc.reserved.
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First published in Vintage in 2020
FirstFirst published
published by Jonathan
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Jonathan
penguin.co.uk/vintage
penguin.co.uk/vintage
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frombook
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 For my mother

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Copyrighted Material
But But
let me
let see
me ifsee
—ifusing
— using
thesethese
words
words
as aas
little
a little
plotplot
of of
landland
andand
my life
my aslifeaas
cornerstone—
a cornerstone—
I canI can
build
build
youyou
a center.
a center.

— Qiu
— Qiu
Miaojin
Miaojin

I want
I want
to tell
to you
tell you
the truth,
the truth,
andand
already
already
I have
I have
toldtold
youyou
about
about
the wide
the wide
rivers.
rivers.

— Joan
— Joan
Didion
Didion

Copyrighted Material
Copyrighted Material
 I I

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Copyrighted Material
LL et me
et me
begin
begin
again.
again.

Dear
Dear
Ma,Ma,
I amI am
writing
writing
to reach
to reach
you—you—
eveneven
if each
if each
wordword
I putI put
downdown
is one
is one
word
word
further
further
from
from
where
where
youyou
are.are.
I amI am
writing
writing
to go
to back
go back
to the
to the
time,
time,
at the
at the
restrest
stopstop
in Virginia,
in Virginia,
whenwhen
youyou
stared,
stared,
horror-
horror-
struck,
struck,
at the
at the
taxidermy
taxidermy
buck
buck
hung
hung
overover
the the
sodasoda
machine
machine
by the
by the
rest-rest-
rooms,
rooms,
its antlers
its antlers
shadowing
shadowing
youryour
face.face.
In the
In the
car,car,
youyou
keptkept
shak-
shak-
ing ing
youryour
head.
head.
“I don’t
“I don’t
understand
understand
whywhy
theythey
would
would
do that.
do that.
Can’t
Can’t
theythey
see see
it’s ait’s
corpse?
a corpse?
A corpse
A corpse
should
should
go away,
go away,
not not
get get
stuck
stuck
for-for-
everever
likelike
that.”
that.”
I think
I think
nownow
of that
of that
buck,
buck,
howhow
youyou
stared
stared
intointo
its black
its black
glass
glass
eyeseyes
andand
sawsaw
youryour
reflection,
reflection,
youryour
whole
whole
body,
body,
warped
warped
in that
in that
life-life-
lessless
mirror.
mirror.
How How
it was
it was
not not
the the
grotesque
grotesque
mounting
mounting
of aof
decapi-
a decapi-
tated
tated
animal
animal
thatthat
shook
shook
you—but
you—but
thatthat
the the
taxidermy
taxidermy
embodied
embodied
a a
death
death
thatthat
won’t
won’t
finish,
finish,
a death
a death
thatthat
keeps
keeps
dying
dying
as we
as walk
we walk
pastpast
it it
to relieve
to relieve
ourselves.
ourselves.

Copyrighted Material
4 Ocean
4 Ocean
Vuong
Vuong

I amI am
writing
writing
because
because
theythey
toldtold
me me
to never
to never
startstart
a sentence
a sentence
withwith
because. ButBut
because. I wasn’t
I wasn’t
trying
trying
to make
to make
a sentence—
a sentence—
I was
I was
try-try-
ing ing
to break
to break
free.free.
Because
Because
freedom,
freedom,
I amI am
told,told,
is nothing
is nothing
but but
the the
distance
distance
between
between
the the
hunter
hunter
andand
its prey.
its prey.

Autumn.
Autumn.
Somewhere
Somewhere
overover
Michigan,
Michigan,
a colony
a colony
of monarch
of monarch
but-but-
terflies,
terflies,
numbering
numbering
more
more
thanthan
fifteen
fifteen
thousand,
thousand,
are are
beginning
beginning
their
their
yearly
yearly
migration
migration
south.
south.
In the
In the
span
span
of two
of two
months,
months,
from
from
September
September
to November,
to November,
theythey
willwill
move,move,
oneone
wing
wing
beatbeat
at a at
time,
a time,
from
from
southern
southern
Canada
Canada
andand
the the
United
United
States
States
to portions
to portions
of central
of central
Mexico,
Mexico,
where
where
theythey
willwill
spendspend
the the
winter.
winter.
They
They
perch
perch
among
among
us, on
us, windowsills
on windowsills
andand
chain-
chain-
linklink
fences,
fences,
clotheslines
clotheslines
stillstill
blurred
blurred
fromfrom
the the
just-just-
hung hung
weight
weight
of clothes,
of clothes,
the the
hood
hood
of aof
faded-
a faded-
blueblue
Chevy,
Chevy,
theirtheir
wings
wings
folding
folding
slowly,
slowly,
as ifasbeing
if being
put put
away,
away,
before
before
snapping
snapping
once,
once,
intointo
flight.
flight.
It only
It only
takes
takes
a single
a single
night
night
of frost
of frost
to kill
to kill
off off
a generation.
a generation.
To To
live,live,
then,
then,
is a is
matter
a matter
of time,
of time,
of timing.
of timing.
That
That
timetime
when
when
I was
I was
fivefive
or six
or and,
six and,
playing
playing
a prank,
a prank,
leapt
leapt
out out
at you
at you
from
from
behind
behind
the the
hallway
hallway
door,
door,
shouting,
shouting,
“Boom!”
“Boom!”
YouYou
screamed,
screamed,
faceface
raked
raked
andand
twisted,
twisted,
thenthen
burst
burst
intointo
sobs,
sobs,
clutched
clutched
youryour
chest
chest
as you
as you
leaned
leaned
against
against
the the
door,
door,
gasping.
gasping.
I stood
I stood
bewil-
bewil-
dered,
dered,
my my
toy toy
armyarmy
helmet
helmet
tilted
tilted
on my
on my
head.
head.
I was
I was
an American
an American
boyboy
parroting
parroting
what
what
I saw
I saw
on TV.
on TV.
I didn’t
I didn’t
knowknow
thatthat
the the
warwar
waswas
stillstill
inside
inside
you,you,
thatthat
there
there
waswas
a war
a war
to begin
to begin
with,
with,
thatthat
onceonce
it it
enters
enters
youyou
it never
it never
leaves—
leaves—
but but
merely
merely
echoes,
echoes,
a sound
a sound
forming
forming
the the
faceface
of your
of your
ownown
son.son.
Boom.
Boom.

Copyrighted Material
 On On
Earth
Earth
We’re
We’re
BriefBrief
ly Gorgeous
ly Gorgeous
5 5

That
That
time,
time,
in third
in third
grade,
grade,
withwith
the the
helphelp
of Mrs.
of Mrs.
Callahan,
Callahan,
my my
ESLESL
teacher,
teacher,
I read
I read
the the
firstfirst
bookbook
thatthat
I loved,
I loved,
a children’s
a children’s
bookbook
called
called
Thunder
Thunder
Cake, by Patricia
Cake, by Patricia
Polacco.
Polacco.
In the
In the
story,
story,
whenwhen
a girl
a girl
andand
her her
grandmother
grandmother
spotspot
a storm
a storm
brewing
brewing
on the
on the
green
green
horizon,
horizon,
instead
instead
of shuttering
of shuttering
the the
windows
windows
or nailing
or nailing
boards
boards
on the
on the
doors,
doors,
theythey
set out
set out
to bake
to bake
a cake.
a cake.
I was
I was
unmoored
unmoored
by this
by this
act,act,
its precar-
its precar-
iousious
yet yet
boldbold
refusal
refusal
of common
of common
sense.
sense.
As Mrs.
As Mrs.
Callahan
Callahan
stood
stood
behind
behind
me,me,
her her
mouth
mouth
at my
at my
ear,ear,
I was
I was
pulled
pulled
deeper
deeper
intointo
the the
cur-cur-
rentrent
of language.
of language.
TheThe
story
story
unfurled,
unfurled,
its storm
its storm
rolled
rolled
in as
in she
as she
spoke,
spoke,
thenthen
rolled
rolled
in once
in once
moremore
as I as
repeated
I repeated
the the
words.
words.
To bake
To bake
a a
cakecake
in the
in the
eye eye
of aofstorm;
a storm;
to feed
to feed
yourself
yourself
sugar
sugar
on the
on the
cuspcusp
of of
danger.
danger.

TheTfirst
he first
timetime
youyou
hit me,
hit me,
I must
I must
havehave
beenbeen
four.
four.
A hand,
A hand,
a flash,
a flash,
a reckoning.
a reckoning.
My My
mouth
mouth
a blaze
a blaze
of touch.
of touch.
TheThe
timetime
I tried
I tried
to teach
to teach
youyou
to read
to read
the the
wayway
Mrs.
Mrs.
Callahan
Callahan
taught
taught
me,me,
my lips
my lips
to your
to your
ear,ear,
my hand
my hand
on yours,
on yours,
the words
the words
moving
moving
underneath
underneath
the the
shadows
shadows
we made.
we made.
ButBut
thatthat
act (a
actson
(a son
teaching
teaching
his his
mother)
mother)
reversed
reversed
ourour
hierarchies,
hierarchies,
andand
withwith
it our
it our
identities,
identities,
which,
which,
in this
in this
country,
country,
werewere
already
already
tenuous
tenuous
andand
tethered.
tethered.
After
After
the the
stut-stut-
tersters
andand
falsefalse
starts,
starts,
the the
sentences
sentences
warped
warped
or locked
or locked
in your
in your
throat,
throat,
afterafter
the the
embarrassment
embarrassment
of failure,
of failure,
youyou
slammed
slammed
the the
bookbook
shut.
shut.
“I “I
don’t
don’t
need
need
to read,”
to read,”
youyou
said,said,
youryour
expression
expression
crunched,
crunched,
andand
pushed
pushed
away
away
from
from
the the
table.
table.
“I can
“I can
see— it’s gotten
see— it’s gotten
me this
me this
far, far,
hasn’t
hasn’t
it?” it?”
Then
Then
the the
timetime
withwith
the the
remote
remote
control.
control.
A bruised
A bruised
weltwelt
on my
on my
forearm
forearm
I would
I would
lie about
lie about
to my
to my
teachers.
teachers.
“I fell
“I fell
playing
playing
tag.”tag.”

Copyrighted Material
6 Ocean
6 Ocean
Vuong
Vuong

TheThe
time,
time,
at forty-
at forty-
six,six,
whenwhen
youyou
hadhad
a sudden
a sudden
desire
desire
to color.
to color.
“Let’s
“Let’s
go to
go Walmart,”
to Walmart,”
youyou
saidsaid
oneone
morning.
morning.
“I need
“I need
coloring
coloring
books.”
books.”
ForFor
months,
months,
youyou
filled
filled
the the
space
space
between
between
youryour
armsarms
withwith
all the
all the
shades
shades
youyou
couldn’t
couldn’t
pronounce.
pronounce.
Magenta,
Magenta,
vermilion,
vermilion,
mari-
mari-
gold,gold,
pewter,
pewter,
juniper,
juniper,
cinnamon. Each
cinnamon. Each
day,day,
for for
hours,
hours,
youyou
slumped
slumped
overover
landscapes
landscapes
of farms,
of farms,
pastures,
pastures,
Paris,
Paris,
twotwo
horses
horses
on aon
wind-
a wind-
swept
swept
plain,
plain,
the the
faceface
of aofgirl
a girl
withwith
black
black
hairhair
andand
skinskin
youyou
left left
blank,
blank,
left left
white.
white.
YouYou
hung
hung
them
them
all over
all over
the the
house,
house,
which
which
started
started
to resemble
to resemble
an elementary
an elementary
school
school
classroom.
classroom.
When
When
I asked
I asked
you,you,
“Why
“Why
coloring,
coloring,
whywhy
now?”
now?”
youyou
put put
downdown
the the
sapphire
sapphire
pencil
pencil
andand
stared,
stared,
dreamlike,
dreamlike,
at aat
half-
a half-
finished
finished
garden.
garden.
“I just
“I just
go away
go away
in itin it
for afor
while,”
a while,”
youyou
said,said,
“but“but
I feel
I feel
everything.
everything.
LikeLike
I’m I’m
stillstill
here,here,
in in
thisthis
room.”
room.”
TheThe
timetime
youyou
threw
threw
the the
boxbox
of Legos
of Legos
at my
at my
head.
head.
TheThe
hard-
hard-
wood
wood
dotted
dotted
withwith
blood.
blood.
“Have
“Have
youyou
everever
mademade
a scene,”
a scene,”
youyou
said,said,
filling
filling
in ainThomas
a Thomas
Kinkade
Kinkade
house,
house,
“and“and
thenthen
put put
yourself
yourself
inside
inside
it? Have
it? Have
youyou
everever
watched
watched
yourself
yourself
from
from
behind,
behind,
going
going
further
further
andand
deeper
deeper
intointo
thatthat
landscape,
landscape,
away
away
from
from
you?”
you?”
How
How
could
could
I tellI you
tell you
thatthat
whatwhat
youyou
werewere
describing
describing
waswas
writing?
writing?
How
How
could
could
I sayI say
thatthat
we, we,
after
after
all, all,
are are
so close,
so close,
the the
shadows
shadows
of our
of our
hands,
hands,
on two
on two
different
different
pages,
pages,
merging?
merging?
“I’m“I’m
sorry,”
sorry,”
youyou
said,said,
bandaging
bandaging
the the
cut cut
on my
on forehead.
my forehead.
“Grab
“Grab
youryour
coat.
coat.
I’ll I’ll
get get
youyou
McDonald’s.”
McDonald’s.”
Head
Head
throbbing,
throbbing,
I dipped
I dipped
chicken
chicken
nuggets
nuggets
in ketchup
in ketchup
as you
as you
watched.
watched.
“You
“You
havehave
to get
to get
big-big-
ger ger
andand
stronger,
stronger,
okay?”
okay?”

Copyrighted Material
 On On
Earth
Earth
We’re
We’re
BriefBrief
ly Gorgeous
ly Gorgeous
7 7

I reread
I reread
Roland
Roland
Barthes’s
Barthes’s
Mourning
Mourning
Diary yesterday,
Diary yesterday,
the the
book
book
he wrote
he wrote
eacheach
dayday
for afor
year
a year
after
after
his mother’s
his mother’s
death.
death.
I have
I have
known
known
the the
bodybody
of my
of my
mother, he writes,
mother, he writes,
sicksick
andand
thenthen
dying. AndAnd
dying. that’s
that’s
where
where
I stopped.
I stopped.
Where
Where
I decided
I decided
to write
to write
to you.
to you.
YouYou
whowho
are are
stillstill
alive.
alive.
Those
Those
Saturdays
Saturdays
at the
at the
endend
of the
of the
month
month
when,
when,
if you
if you
hadhad
money
money
left left
overover
after
after
the the
bills,
bills,
we’dwe’d
go to
gothe
to the
mall.
mall.
SomeSome
people
people
dressed
dressed
up to
upgo
to to
gochurch
to church
or dinner
or dinner
parties;
parties;
we we
dressed
dressed
to the
to the
nines
nines
to go
to to
goatocommercial
a commercial
center
center
off off
I-91.I-91.
YouYou
would
would
wake
wake
up up
early,
early,
spend
spend
an hour
an hour
doing
doing
youryour
makeup,
makeup,
put put
on your
on your
bestbest
se- se-
quined
quined
black
black
dress,
dress,
youryour
oneone
pairpair
of gold
of gold
hoophoop
earrings,
earrings,
black
black
lamé
lamé
shoes.
shoes.
Then
Then
youyou
would
would
kneel
kneel
andand
smear
smear
a handful
a handful
of pomade
of pomade
through
through
my my
hair,hair,
comb comb
it over.
it over.
Seeing
Seeing
us there,
us there,
a stranger
a stranger
couldn’t
couldn’t
tell tell
thatthat
we bought
we bought
ourour
gro-gro-
ceries
ceries
at the
at the
local
local
corner
corner
store
store
on Franklin
on Franklin
Avenue,
Avenue,
where
where
the the
doorway
doorway
waswas
littered
littered
withwith
usedused
foodfood
stamp
stamp
receipts,
receipts,
where
where
staples
staples
likelike
milkmilk
andand
eggseggs
costcost
three
three
times
times
more
more
thanthan
theythey
did did
in the
in the
sub-sub-
urbs,
urbs,
where
where
the the
apples,
apples,
wrinkled
wrinkled
andand
bruised,
bruised,
lay in
layain
cardboard
a cardboard
boxbox
soaked
soaked
on the
on the
bottom
bottom
withwith
pig’spig’s
blood
blood
thatthat
hadhad
leaked
leaked
from
from
the the
crate
crate
of loose
of loose
porkpork
chops,
chops,
the the
ice long
ice long
melted.
melted.
“Let’s
“Let’s
get get
the the
fancy
fancy
chocolates,”
chocolates,”
you’d
you’d
say,say,
pointing
pointing
to the
to the
Go-Go-
divadiva
chocolatier.
chocolatier.
We We
would
would
get get
a small
a small
paper
paper
bagbag
containing
containing
maybe
maybe
fivefive
or six
or squares
six squares
of chocolate
of chocolate
we had
we had
picked
picked
at random.
at random.
ThisThis
waswas
often
often
all we
all bought
we bought
at the
at the
mall.
mall.
ThenThen
we’dwe’d
walk,
walk,
passing
passing
oneone
backback
andand
forth
forth
until
until
ourour
fingers
fingers
shone
shone
inkyinky
andand
sweet.
sweet.
“This
“This
is how
is how
youyou
enjoy
enjoy
youryour
life,”
life,”
you’d
you’d
say,say,
sucking
sucking
youryour
fingers,
fingers,
their
their
pinkpink
nailnail
polish
polish
chipped
chipped
fromfrom
a week
a week
of giving
of giving
pedicures.
pedicures.
TheThe
timetime
withwith
youryour
fists,
fists,
shouting
shouting
in the
in the
parking
parking
lot, lot,
the the
latelate

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8 Ocean
8 Ocean
Vuong
Vuong

sunsun
etching
etching
youryour
hairhair
red.red.
My My
arms
arms
shielding
shielding
my my
head
head
as your
as your
knuckles
knuckles
thudded
thudded
around
around
me.me.
Those
Those
Saturdays,
Saturdays,
we’dwe’d
stroll
stroll
the the
corridors
corridors
until,
until,
oneone
by one,
by one,
the the
shops
shops
pulled
pulled
shutshut
their
their
steelsteel
gates.
gates.
ThenThen
we’dwe’d
makemake
ourour
wayway
to to
the the
busbus
stopstop
down
down
the the
street,
street,
ourour
breaths
breaths
floating
floating
above
above
us, us,
the the
makeup
makeup
drying
drying
on your
on your
face.face.
OurOur
hands
hands
empty
empty
except
except
for for
ourour
hands.
hands.

OutOmy
ut my
window
window
thisthis
morning,
morning,
justjust
before
before
sunrise,
sunrise,
a deer
a deer
stood
stood
in ain
fog
a fog
so dense
so dense
andand
bright
bright
thatthat
the the
second
second
one,one,
not not
too too
far away,
far away,
looked
looked
likelike
the the
unfinished
unfinished
shadow
shadow
of the
of the
first.
first.
YouYou
cancan
color
color
thatthat
in. You
in. You
cancan
callcall
it “The
it “The
History
History
of Memory.”
of Memory.”

MM
igration
igration
cancan
be triggered
be triggered
by the
by the
angle
angle
of sunlight,
of sunlight,
indicating
indicating
a a
change
change
in season,
in season,
temperature,
temperature,
plant
plant
life,life,
andand
foodfood
supply.
supply.
Female
Female
monarchs
monarchs
lay lay
eggseggs
along
along
the the
route.
route.
Every
Every
history
history
has has
moremore
thanthan
oneone
thread,
thread,
eacheach
thread
thread
a story
a story
of division.
of division.
TheThe
journey
journey
takes
takes
fourfour
thousand
thousand
eight
eight
hundred
hundred
andand
thirty
thirty
miles,
miles,
moremore
thanthan
the the
length
length
of of
thisthis
country.
country.
TheThe
monarchs
monarchs
thatthat
fly south
fly south
willwill
not not
makemake
it back
it back
north.
north.
Each
Each
departure,
departure,
then,
then,
is final.
is final.
OnlyOnly
their
their
children
children
return;
return;
onlyonly
the the
future
future
revisits
revisits
the the
past.
past.
What
What
is a is
country
a country
but but
a borderless
a borderless
sentence,
sentence,
a life?
a life?
That
That
time
time
at the
at the
Chinese
Chinese
butcher,
butcher,
youyou
pointed
pointed
to the
to the
roasted
roasted
pig pig
hanging
hanging
from
from
its hook.
its hook.
“The“The
ribsribs
are are
justjust
likelike
a person’s
a person’s
af- af-
ter they’re
ter they’re
burned.”
burned.”
YouYou
let out
let out
a clipped
a clipped
chuckle,
chuckle,
thenthen
paused,
paused,

Copyrighted Material
 On On
Earth
Earth
We’re
We’re
BriefBrief
ly Gorgeous
ly Gorgeous
9 9

tooktook
out out
youryour
pocketbook,
pocketbook,
youryour
faceface
pinched,
pinched,
andand
recounted
recounted
ourour
money.
money.
What
What
is a is
country
a country
but but
a life
a life
sentence?
sentence?

TheTtime
he time
withwith a gallon
a gallon of milk.
of milk. TheThe
jug jug bursting
bursting on my
on my shoulder
shoulder
bone,
bone, thenthen a steady
a steady white
white rainrain on the
on the kitchen
kitchen tiles.
tiles.
TheThe
timetime at Six
at Six Flags,
Flags, whenwhen
youyou
roderode
the the Superman
Superman roller
roller
coaster
coaster withwith
me me because
because I was
I was too too scared
scared to itdoalone.
to do it alone.
How How
youyou
threw
threw up afterward,
up afterward, youryour whole
whole headhead in the
in the garbage
garbage can.can.
How,How,
in in
my my screeching
screeching delight,
delight, I forgot
I forgot to say
to say Thank
Thank you.you.
TheThe
timetime we went
we went to Goodwill
to Goodwill andand piled
piled the the
cartcart
withwith items
items
thatthat
hadhad a yellow
a yellow tag,tag, because
because on that
on that dayday a yellow
a yellow tag tag meant
meant an an
additional
additional fiftyfifty percent
percent off.off. I pushed
I pushed the the
cartcart
andand leaped
leaped on the
on the
backback
bar,bar, gliding,
gliding, feeling
feeling richrich
withwith
ourour bounty
bounty of discarded
of discarded trea-
trea-
sures.
sures. It was
It was youryour birthday.
birthday. We We were
were splurging.
splurging. “Do“Do I look
I look likelike
a a
realreal American?”
American?” youyou
said,said, pressing
pressing a white
a white dress
dress to your
to your length.
length. It It
waswas slightly
slightly too too formal
formal for for
youyou to have
to have anyany occasion
occasion to wear,
to wear, yet yet
casual
casual enough
enough to hold
to hold a possibility
a possibility of use.
of use. A chance.
A chance. I nodded,
I nodded, grin-
grin-
ning.
ning. TheThe
cartcart
waswas so full
so full by then
by then I noIlonger
no longer
sawsaw what
what waswas ahead
ahead
of me.
of me.
TheThe
timetime
withwith
the the kitchen
kitchen knife—
knife— the the
oneone
youyou picked
picked up, up,
thenthen
put put down,
down, shaking,
shaking, saying
saying quietly,
quietly, “Get“Get
out.out.
GetGet out.”
out.” AndAnd I ran
I ran
out out
the the door,
door, downdown
the the black
black summer
summer streets.
streets. I ranI ran until
until I forgot
I forgot I I
waswas
ten,ten, until
until my my heartbeat
heartbeat waswas
all Iall I could
could hearhear of myself.
of myself.

Copyrighted Material
 Ocean
10 10 Ocean
Vuong
Vuong

TheTtime,
he time,
in New
in New
York
York
City,
City,
a week
a week
after
after
cousin
cousin
Phuong
Phuong
dieddied
in in
the the
car car
wreck,
wreck,
I stepped
I stepped
ontoonto
the the
uptown
uptown
2 train
2 train
andand
sawsaw
his face,
his face,
clear
clear
andand
round
round
as the
as the
doors
doors
opened,
opened,
looking
looking
right
right
at me,
at me,
alive.
alive.
I I
gasped—
gasped—
but but
knewknew
better,
better,
thatthat
it was
it was
onlyonly
a man
a man
whowho
resembled
resembled
him.him.
Still,
Still,
it upended
it upended
me to
mesee
to what
see what
I thought
I thought
I’d never
I’d never
see again—
see again—
the the
features
features
so exact,
so exact,
heavy
heavy
jaw,jaw,
openopen
brow.
brow.
HisHis
namename
lunged
lunged
to to
the the
forefore
of my
of my
mouth
mouth
before
before
I caught
I caught
it. Aboveground,
it. Aboveground,
I satI on
sat aon a
hydrant
hydrant
andand
called
called
you.you.
“Ma,“Ma,
I saw
I saw
him,”
him,”
I breathed.
I breathed.
“Ma,“Ma,
I swear
I swear
I saw
I saw
him.him.
I know
I know
it’s stupid
it’s stupid
but but
I saw
I saw
Phuong
Phuong
on the
on the
train.”
train.”
I was
I was
having
having
a panic
a panic
attack.
attack.
AndAnd
youyou
knew
knew
it. For
it. For
a while
a while
youyou
saidsaid
noth-
noth-
ing,ing,
thenthen
started
started
to hum
to hum
the the
melody
melody
to “Happy
to “Happy
Birthday.”
Birthday.”
It was
It was
not not
my my
birthday
birthday
but but
it was
it was
the the
onlyonly
songsong
youyou
knew
knew
in English,
in English,
andand
youyou
keptkept
going.
going.
AndAnd
I listened,
I listened,
the the
phone
phone
pressed
pressed
so hard
so hard
to my
to my
ear ear
that,that,
hours
hours
later,
later,
a pink
a pink
rectangle
rectangle
waswas
stillstill
imprinted
imprinted
on my
on my
cheek.
cheek.

I amI am
twenty-
twenty-
eight
eight
years
years
old,old,
5ft 4in
5ft 4in
tall,tall,
112lbs.
112lbs.
I amI am
handsome
handsome
at at
exactly
exactly
three
three
angles
angles
andand
deadly
deadly
fromfrom
everywhere
everywhere
else.else.
I amI writing
am writing
youyou
from
from
inside
inside
a body
a body
thatthat
usedused
to be
toyours.
be yours.
Which
Which
is toissay,
to say,
I amI am
writing
writing
as aas
son.
a son.
If we
Ifare
we lucky,
are lucky,
the the
endend
of the
of the
sentence
sentence
is where
is where
we might
we might
begin.
begin.
If we
If are
we are
lucky,
lucky,
something
something
is passed
is passed
on, on,
another
another
alphabet
alphabet
written
written
in the
in the
blood,
blood,
sinew,
sinew,
andand
neuron;
neuron;
ancestors
ancestors
charging
charging
their
their
kin kin
withwith
the the
silent
silent
propulsion
propulsion
to fly
to south,
fly south,
to turn
to turn
toward
toward
the the
place
place
in the
in the
narrative
narrative
no one
no one
waswas
meant
meant
to outlast.
to outlast.

Copyrighted Material
 On On
Earth
Earth
We’re
We’re
BriefBrief
ly Gorgeous
ly Gorgeous
11 11

TheTtime,
he time,
at the
at the
nailnail
salon,
salon,
I overheard
I overheard
youyou
consoling
consoling
a customer
a customer
overover
her her
recent
recent
loss.loss.
While
While
youyou
painted
painted
her her
nails,
nails,
she she
spoke,
spoke,
be- be-
tween
tween
tears.
tears.
“I lost
“I lost
my my
baby,
baby,
my my
littlelittle
girl,girl,
Julie.
Julie.
I can’t
I can’t
believe
believe
it, it,
she she
waswas
my my
strongest,
strongest,
my my
oldest.”
oldest.”
YouYou
nodded,
nodded,
eyeseyes
sober
sober
behind
behind
youryour
mask.
mask.
“It’s“It’s
okay,
okay,
it’s it’s
okay,”
okay,”
youyou
saidsaid
in English,
in English,
“don’t
“don’t
cry.cry.
YourYour
Julie,”
Julie,”
youyou
went
went
on, on,
“how
“how
she she
die?”
die?”
“Cancer,”
“Cancer,”
the the
ladylady
said.said.
“And“And
in the
in the
backyard,
backyard,
too!too!
SheShe
dieddied
right
right
there
there
in the
in the
backyard,
backyard,
dammit.”
dammit.”
YouYou
put put
down
down
her her
hand,
hand,
tooktook
off off
youryour
mask.
mask.
Cancer.
Cancer.
YouYou
leaned
leaned
forward.
forward.
“My“My
mom,
mom,
too,too,
she she
die die
fromfrom
the the
cancer.”
cancer.”
TheThe
room
room
went
went
quiet.
quiet.
Your
Your
co-workers
co-workers
shifted
shifted
in their
in their
seats.
seats.
“But“But
whatwhat
happen
happen
in backyard,
in backyard,
whywhy
she she
die die
there?”
there?”
TheThe
woman
woman
wiped
wiped
her her
eyes.
eyes.
“That’s
“That’s
where
where
she she
lives.
lives.
Julie’s
Julie’s
my my
horse.”
horse.”
YouYou
nodded,
nodded,
put put
on your
on your
mask,
mask,
andand
got got
backback
to painting
to painting
her her
nails.
nails.
After
After
the the
woman
woman
left,left,
youyou
flung
flung
the the
maskmask
across
across
the the
room.
room.
“A fucking
“A fucking
horse?”
horse?”
youyou
saidsaid
in Vietnamese.
in Vietnamese.
“Holy
“Holy
shit,shit,
I wasI was
ready
ready
to go
toto
goher
to her
daughter’s
daughter’s
grave
grave
withwith
flowers!”
flowers!”
ForFor
the the
restrest
of the
of the
day,day,
while
while
youyou
worked
worked
on one
on one
hand
hand
or another,
or another,
youyou
would
would
looklook
up and
up and
shout,
shout,
“It was
“It was
a fucking
a fucking
horse!”
horse!”
andand
we’dwe’d
all laugh.
all laugh.

TheTtime,
he time,
at thirteen,
at thirteen,
whenwhen
I finally
I finally
saidsaid
stop.
stop.
YourYour
handhand
in the
in the
air, air,
my cheek
my cheek
bonebone
stinging
stinging
fromfrom
the the
firstfirst
blow.blow.
“Stop,
“Stop,
Ma.Ma.
QuitQuit
it. it.
Please.”
Please.”
I looked
I looked
at you
at you
hard,
hard,
the the
wayway
I had
I had
learned,
learned,
by then,
by then,
to look
to look
intointo
the the
eyeseyes
of my
of my
bullies.
bullies.
YouYou
turned
turned
away
away
and,and,
saying
saying
nothing,
nothing,

Copyrighted Material
 Ocean
12 12 Ocean
Vuong
Vuong

put put
on your
on your
brown
brown
wool
wool
coatcoat
andand
walked
walked
to the
to the
store.
store.
“I’m“I’m
getting
getting
eggs,”
eggs,”
youyou
saidsaid
overover
youryour
shoulder,
shoulder,
as ifasnothing
if nothing
hadhad
happened.
happened.
ButBut
we both
we both
knewknew
you’d
you’d
never
never
hit me
hit me
again.
again.
Monarchs
Monarchs
thatthat
survived
survived
the the
migration
migration
passed
passed
thisthis
message
message
down
down
to their
to their
children.
children.
TheThe
memory
memory
of family
of family
members
members
lostlost
fromfrom
the the
initial
initial
winter
winter
waswas
woven
woven
intointo
their
their
genes.
genes.
When
When
doesdoes
a war
a war
end?end?
When
When
cancan
I sayI say
youryour
namename
andand
havehave
it it
mean
mean
onlyonly
youryour
namename
andand
not not
whatwhat
youyou
left left
behind?
behind?
TheThe
time
time
I woke
I woke
intointo
an ink-
an ink-
blueblue
hour,
hour,
my my
head—
head—
no, no,
the the
house—filled
house—filled
withwith
softsoft
music.
music.
My My
feetfeet
on cool
on cool
hardwood,
hardwood,
I walked
I walked
to your
to your
room.
room.
Your
Your
bedbed
waswas
empty.
empty.
“Ma,”
“Ma,”
I said,
I said,
stillstill
as aas
cuta flower
cut flower
overover
the the
music.
music.
It was
It was
Chopin,
Chopin,
andand
it was
it was
coming
coming
fromfrom
the the
closet.
closet.
TheThe
door
door
etched
etched
in reddish
in reddish
light,
light,
likelike
the the
entrance
entrance
to atoplace
a place
on on
fire.fire.
I satI outside
sat outside
it, listening
it, listening
to the
to the
overture
overture
and,and,
underneath
underneath
that,that,
youryour
steady
steady
breathing.
breathing.
I don’t
I don’t
knowknow
howhow
longlong
I was
I was
there.
there.
ButBut
at at
oneone
point
point
I went
I went
backback
to bed,
to bed,
pulled
pulled
the the
covers
covers
to my
to my
chinchin
until
until
it it
stopped,
stopped,
not not
the the
songsong
but but
my shaking.
my shaking.
“Ma,”
“Ma,”
I said
I said
again,
again,
to no
toone,
no one,
“come
“come
back.
back.
Come
Come
backback
out.”
out.”

YouYonce
ou once
toldtold
me me
thatthat
the the
human
human
eye eye
is god’s
is god’s
loneliest
loneliest
creation.
creation.
How
How
so much
so much
of the
of the
world
world
passes
passes
through
through
the the
pupil
pupil
andand
stillstill
it it
holds
holds
nothing.
nothing.
TheThe
eye,eye,
alone
alone
in its
in socket,
its socket,
doesn’t
doesn’t
eveneven
know
know
there’s
there’s
another
another
one,one,
justjust
likelike
it, an
it, inch
an inch
away,
away,
justjust
as hungry,
as hungry,
as as
empty.
empty.
Opening
Opening
the the
front
front
doordoor
to the
to the
firstfirst
snowfall
snowfall
of myof my
life,life,
youyou
whispered,
whispered,
“Look.”
“Look.”

Copyrighted Material
 On On
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Earth
We’re
We’re
BriefBrief
ly Gorgeous
ly Gorgeous
13 13

TheTtime,
he time,
while
while
pruning
pruning
a basket
a basket
of green
of green
beans
beans
overover
the the
sink,
sink,
youyou
said,said,
out out
of nowhere,
of nowhere,
“I’m“I’m
not not
a monster.
a monster.
I’m I’m
a mother.”
a mother.”
What
What
do we
do mean
we mean
when
when
we say
we say
survivor?
survivor?
Maybe
Maybe
a survivor
a survivor
is is
the the
lastlast
oneone
to come
to come
home,
home,
the the
final
final
monarch
monarch
thatthat
lands
lands
on aon a
branch
branch
already
already
weighted
weighted
withwith
ghosts.
ghosts.
TheThe
morning
morning
closed
closed
in around
in around
us. us.
I put
I put
downdown
the the
book.
book.
TheThe
heads
heads
of the
of the
green
green
beans
beans
went
went
on on
snapping.
snapping.
They
They
thunked
thunked
in the
in the
steelsteel
sinksink
likelike
fingers.
fingers.
“You’re
“You’re
not not
a monster,”
a monster,”
I said.
I said.
ButBut
I lied.
I lied.
What
What
I really
I really
wanted
wanted
to say
to say
waswas
thatthat
a monster
a monster
is not
is not
suchsuch
a a
terrible
terrible
thing
thing
to be.
to From
be. From
the the
Latin
Latin
rootroot
monstrum, a divine
monstrum, a divine
mes-mes-
senger
senger
of catastrophe,
of catastrophe,
thenthen
adapted
adapted
by the
by the
OldOld
French
French
to mean
to mean
an an
animal
animal
of myriad
of myriad
origins:
origins:
centaur,
centaur,
griffin,
griffin,
satyr.
satyr.
To be
Toabe
monster
a monster
is tois be
to abehybrid
a hybrid
signal,
signal,
a lighthouse:
a lighthouse:
bothboth
shelter
shelter
andand
warning
warning
at once.
at once.
I read
I read
thatthat
parents
parents
suffering
suffering
fromfrom
PTSD
PTSD
are are
moremore
likely
likely
to hit
to hit
their
their
children.
children.
Perhaps
Perhaps
there
there
is a is
monstrous
a monstrous
origin
origin
to it,toafter
it, after
all. all.
Perhaps
Perhaps
to lay
tohands
lay hands
on your
on your
child
child
is toisprepare
to prepare
himhim
for war.
for war.
To say
To say
possessing
possessing
a heartbeat
a heartbeat
is never
is never
as simple
as simple
as the
as the
heart’s
heart’s
tasktask
of say-
of say-
ing ing
yes yes yes to
yesthe
to the
body.
body.
I don’t
I don’t
know.
know.
What
What
I doI know
do know
is that
is that
backback
at Goodwill
at Goodwill
youyou
handed
handed
me me
the the
white
white
dress,
dress,
youryour
eyeseyes
glazed
glazed
andand
wide.
wide.
“Can
“Can
youyou
readread
this,”
this,”
youyou
said,said,
“and“and
tell tell
me ifmeit’s
if fireproof?”
it’s fireproof?”
I searched
I searched
the the
hem,hem,
studied
studied
the the
print
print
on the
on the
tag,tag,
and,and,
not not
yet able
yet able
to read
to read
myself,
myself,
said,said,
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
SaidSaid
it anyway.
it anyway.
“Yeah,”
“Yeah,”
I lied,
I lied,
holding
holding
the the
dress
dress
up to
upyour
to your
chin.
chin.
“It’s“It’s
fireproof.”
fireproof.”

Copyrighted Material
 Ocean
14 14 Ocean
Vuong
Vuong

Days
Days
later,
later,
a neighborhood
a neighborhood
boy,boy,
riding
riding
by on
by his
on his
bike,
bike,
would
would
see see
me me
wearing
wearing
thatthat
veryvery
dress—
dress—
I had
I had
put put
it onit thinking
on thinking
I would
I would
looklook
more
more
likelike
you—you—
in the
in the
front
front
yardyard
while
while
youyou
were
were
at work.
at work.
At At
recess
recess
the the
nextnext
day,day,
the the
kidskids
would
would
callcall
me mefreak,
freak,
fairy,
fairy, I would
fag. fag. I would
learn,
learn,
muchmuch
later,
later,
thatthat
those
those
words
words
werewere
alsoalso
iterations
iterations
of monster.
of monster.
Sometimes,
Sometimes,
I imagine
I imagine
the the
monarchs
monarchs
fleeing
fleeing
not not
winter
winter
but but
the the
napalm
napalm
clouds
clouds
of your
of your
childhood
childhood
in Vietnam.
in Vietnam.
I imagine
I imagine
themthem
fly-fly-
ing ing
from
from
the the
blazed
blazed
blasts
blasts
unscathed,
unscathed,
their
their
tinytiny
black-
black-
and-and-
red red
wings
wings
jittering
jittering
likelike
debris
debris
thatthat
keptkept
blowing,
blowing,
for for
thousands
thousands
of of
miles
miles
across
across
the the
sky,sky,
so that,
so that,
looking
looking
up, you
up, you
cancan
no longer
no longer
fathom
fathom
the the
explosion
explosion
theythey
camecame
from,
from,
onlyonly
a family
a family
of butterflies
of butterflies
floating
floating
in clean,
in clean,
coolcool
air, air,
theirtheir
wings
wings
finally,
finally,
after
after
so many
so many
conflagrations,
conflagrations,
fireproof.
fireproof.
“That’s
“That’s
so good
so good
to know,
to know,
baby.”
baby.”
YouYou
stared
stared
off,off,
stone-
stone-
faced,
faced,
overover
my my
shoulder,
shoulder,
the the
dress
dress
heldheld
to your
to your
chest.
chest.
“That’s
“That’s
so good.”
so good.”
You’re
You’re
a mother,
a mother,
Ma.Ma.
You’re
You’re
alsoalso
a monster.
a monster.
ButBut
so am
so am
I— I—
which
which
is why
is why
I can’t
I can’t
turnturn
awayaway
fromfrom
you.you.
Which
Which
is why
is why
I have
I have
taken
taken
god’s
god’s
loneliest
loneliest
creation
creation
andand
put put
youyou
inside
inside
it. it.
Look.
Look.

Copyrighted Material
IIn a previous
n a previous
howhow
I came
college,
college,
draft
I came
to be
squandered
draft
of this
toabe
squandered
of this
writer.
letter,
a writer.
it onitaon
How
letter,
How
degree
oneone
I, the
a degree
I’veI’ve
I, the
since
since
deleted,
firstfirst
in English.
in our
in English.
How
deleted,
in our
How
I told
family
I fled
I told
family
I fled
youyou
to go
my my
toto
shitty
go to
shitty
highhigh
school
school
to spend
to spend
my my
daysdays
in New
in New
York
York
lostlost
in library
in library
stacks,
stacks,
reading
reading
obscure
obscure
texts
texts
by dead
by dead
people,
people,
most
most
of whom
of whom
never
never
dreamed
dreamed
a face
a face
likelike
minemine
floating
floating
overover
their
their
sentences—
sentences—
andand
leastleast
of all
ofthat
all that
those
those
sentences
sentences
would
would
savesave
me.me.
ButBut
nonenone
of that
of that
matters
matters
now.
now.
What
What
matters
matters
is that
is that
all of
allit,
ofeven
it, even
if I if
didn’t
I didn’t
knowknow
it then,
it then,
brought
brought
me me
here,
here,
to this
to this
page,
page,
to tell
to tell
youyou
everything
everything
you’ll
you’ll
never
never
know.
know.
What
What
happened
happened
waswas
thatthat
I was
I was
a boy
a boy
onceonce
andand
bruiseless.
bruiseless.
I was
I was
eight
eight
when
when
I stood
I stood
in the
in the
one-one-
bedroom
bedroom
apartment
apartment
in Hartford
in Hartford
staring
staring
at Grandma
at Grandma
Lan’s
Lan’s
sleeping
sleeping
face.face.
Despite
Despite
being
being
youryour
mother,
mother,
she she
is nothing
is nothing
likelike
you;you;
her her
skinskin
three
three
shades
shades
darker,
darker,
the the
color
color
of dirt
of dirt
after
after
a rainstorm,
a rainstorm,
spread
spread
overover
a skeletal
a skeletal
faceface
whose
whose
eyeseyes
shone
shone
likelike
chipped
chipped
glass.
glass.
I can’t
I can’t
say say
whatwhat
mademade
me me
leave
leave
the the
green
green
pilepile
of army
of army
menmen
andand
walk
walk
overover
to where
to where
she she
lay lay
under
under
a a

Copyrighted Material
 Ocean
16 16 Ocean
Vuong
Vuong

blanket
blanket
on the
on the
hardwood,
hardwood,
arms
arms
folded
folded
across
across
her her
chest.
chest.
HerHer
eyeseyes
moved
moved
behind
behind
their
their
lidslids
as she
as she
slept.
slept.
HerHer
forehead,
forehead,
lashed
lashed
deep
deep
withwith
lines,
lines,
marked
marked
her her
fifty-
fifty-
six years.
six years.
A fly
A landed
fly landed
on the
on the
sideside
of of
her her
mouth,
mouth,
thenthen
skittered
skittered
to the
to the
edgeedge
of her
of her
purplish
purplish
lips.lips.
HerHer
left left
cheek
cheek
spasmed
spasmed
a few
a few
seconds.
seconds.
TheThe
skin,
skin,
pocked
pocked
withwith
large
large
black
black
pores,
pores,
rippled
rippled
in the
in the
sunlight.
sunlight.
I had
I had
never
never
seenseen
so much
so much
movement
movement
in sleep
in sleep
before—
before—
except
except
in dogs
in dogs
whowho
runrun
in dreams
in dreams
none
none
of us
ofwill
us will
everever
know.
know.
ButBut
it was
it was
stillness,
stillness,
I realize
I realize
now,now,
thatthat
I sought,
I sought,
not not
of her
of her
body,
body,
which
which
keptkept
ticking
ticking
as she
as she
slept,
slept,
but but
of her
of her
mind.
mind.
Only
Only
in this
in this
twitching
twitching
quiet
quiet
did did
her her
brain,
brain,
wildwild
andand
explosive
explosive
during
during
waking
waking
hours,
hours,
coolcool
itself
itself
intointo
something
something
likelike
calm.
calm.
I’m I’m
watching
watching
a a
stranger,
stranger,
I thought,
I thought,
oneone
whose
whose
lipslips
creased
creased
intointo
an expression
an expression
of of
contentment
contentment
alien
alien
to the
to the
LanLan
I knew
I knew
awake,
awake,
the the
oneone
whose
whose
sen-sen-
tences
tences
rambled
rambled
andand
rattled
rattled
out out
of her,
of her,
her her
schizophrenia
schizophrenia
onlyonly
worse
worse
nownow
since
since
the the
war.war.
ButBut
wildness
wildness
is how
is how
I had
I had
always
always
known
known
her.her.
EverEver
since
since
I could
I could
remember,
remember,
she she
flickered
flickered
before
before
me,me,
dipping
dipping
in and
in and
out out
of sense.
of sense.
Which
Which
waswas
why,why,
studying
studying
her her
now,now,
tranquil
tranquil
in in
the the
afternoon
afternoon
light,
light,
waswas
likelike
looking
looking
backback
in time.
in time.
TheThe
eye eye
opened.
opened.
Glazed
Glazed
by aby
milky
a milky
filmfilm
of sleep,
of sleep,
it widened
it widened
to to
holdhold
my my
image.
image.
I stood
I stood
against
against
myself,
myself,
pinned
pinned
by the
by the
shaft
shaft
of light
of light
through
through
the the
window.
window.
ThenThen
the the
second
second
eye eye
opened,
opened,
thisthis
oneone
slightly
slightly
pinkpink
but but
clearer.
clearer.
“You“You
hungry,
hungry,
Little
Little
Dog?”
Dog?”
she she
asked,
asked,
her her
faceface
ex- ex-
pressionless,
pressionless,
as ifasstill
if still
asleep.
asleep.
I nodded.
I nodded.
“What
“What
should
should
we eat
we in
eatain
time
a time
likelike
this?”
this?”
SheShe
gestured
gestured
around
around
the the
room.
room.

Copyrighted Material