Be

Yourself
Questions and Answers for
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender,
Queer, and Questioning Youth
If you or a loved one needs immediate assistance, we
encourage you to call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Hotline,
or seek out help from one of the following, immediately.
The Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386 shelter, transportation, assistance in
The leading national organization finding counseling, and transitioning
providing crisis intervention and back to home life. NRS frontline
suicide prevention services to LGBTQ+ staff will also act as advocates
young people ages 13-24. and mediators if/as needed.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: True Colors United: (212) 461-4401

(800) 273-8255 (online chat available) This organization is working to
A national network of local crisis end homelessness for LGBTQ+
centers that provides free and youth and maintains a database
confidential emotional support to of service providers.
people in suicidal crisis or emotional
distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Self Abuse Finally Ends (S.A.F.E):
selfinjury.com
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741 Addresses individuals coping with
A free, 24/7 support for those in crisis. non-suicidal self-injury, including
Text from anywhere in the USA to text locally based information, support
with a trained Crisis Counselor. and therapy referrals.
The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and National AIDS Hotline: (800)
Transgender National Hotline: 342-AIDS / (800) 344-7432 (Spanish) /
(888) 843-4564 (800) 243-7889 (TDD)
The GLBT National Youth Talkline U.S. National Domestic Violence
(youth serving youth through Hotline: (800) 799-7233 (English and
age 25): (800) 246-7743 Spanish) (800) 787-3224 (TTY)
Telephone and online private one-to- Provides round-the-clock lifesaving
one chat and email peer-support, as tools and immediate support to enable
well as factual information and local victims to find safety and live lives free
resources for cities and towns across of abuse. Highly trained, experienced
the United States. advocates offer compassionate support,
Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860 crisis intervention information and
referral services in over 170 languages.
A trans-led organization that
connects trans people to the Pride Institute: (800) 547-7433 24/7
community, support, and resources Chemical dependency/mental health
they need to survive and thrive. referral and information hotline for
The National Runaway Safeline: the LGBTQ community.
800-RUNAWAY (800-786-2929) Rape Abuse and Incest National
Provides advice and assistance Network (RAINN): (800) 656-HOPE /
to runaways, including resources, (800) 810-7440 (TTY)
 ABOUT PFLAG
PFLAG is an organization of LGBTQ+ people, parents, families, and allies who work
together to create an equitable and inclusive world. We are hundreds of thousands
of people and hundreds of chapters from coast to coast who are leading with love
to support families, educate allies, and advocate for just, equitable, and inclusive
legislation and policies.

Since our founding in 1973, PFLAG works every day to ensure LGBTQ+ people
everywhere are safe, celebrated, empowered and loved. Learn more, find support,
donate, and take action at PFLAG.org.

Our Mission. To create a caring, just, and affirming

world for LGBTQ+ people and those who love them.
Our Vision. An equitable, inclusive world where every
LGBTQ+ person is safe, celebrated, empowered,
and loved.

About this Publication

Our experiences, expertise, knowledge, and resources are always evolving, so
we encourage you to visit our website, as well as check with medical, behavioral
health, social services, and other professional providers, or local support
groups—including PFLAG chapters—for the most up-to-date information on
LGBTQ+ experiences.
Be Yourself: Questions and Answers for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer,
and Questioning Youth is copyrighted. For reprint permission, please contact the
PFLAG National office via email at love@pflag.org or by phone at (202) 467-8180.
To order this publication, receive a complete listing of PFLAG publications,
or obtain information about a PFLAG chapter in your area, visit our website
at pflag.org.
All Rights Reserved, ©2023 PFLAG National, Inc.

pflag.org 1
2 pflag.org
 TABLE OF CONTENTS

About PFLAG....................................................................................................................1

About this Publication...................................................................................................1

Introduction......................................................................................................................4

Frequently Asked Questions.................................................................................... 7

Organizations and Resources................................................................................31

pflag.org 3
 INTRODUCTION
Sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender
expression are complex concepts and discovering
your own unique identity can be confusing. Deciding
to come out as LGB or queer—or disclosing yourself
as transgender—can be challenging and puzzling,
and leave you filled with questions.
Think about it: you’re becoming an adult, which can feel both exciting and
frustrating, especially when you don’t yet have an adult’s rights. You’re becoming
more independent, and your relationship with your parents, guardians, or family
members is changing. It’s a new experience for them; they’re learning to accept
that you’re not a little child anymore.

Then, suddenly, your peers realize that dating might be fun, and couples start
popping up all over school. Soon such relationships might seem like the most
important things in the world.

But what if you can’t relate? If you’re a teen who is lesbian, gay, bisexual,
transgender, nonbinary, queer, or questioning—or wondering if you are—you
may feel unprepared, uninformed, and even excluded.

Maybe your friends and family have talked to you about dating, falling in love, and
getting married. But they might not have talked about what happens when two
people of the same gender or sex fall in love, or about what you can do when your
physical anatomy just doesn’t “match up” with how you feel inside. In fact, a lot
of what you’ve heard about LGBTQ+ people might have come from people at
school, where terms related to the LGBTQ+ community are sometimes used to
harass and insult other people; you may even have experienced this harassment
or discrimination within your own family.

Our society and culture—television, movies, music, magazines, books—is

dominated by heterosexual and gender-conforming images and messages.

4 pflag.org
 “Realizing that I’m not straight was the least
expected thing to happen to me. One night
I was journaling, and without thinking, wrote
down ‘I’m bisexual.’ Since then, I’ve realized
that I don’t really like labeling myself.”

— Anonymous, 16, Cleveland, Ohio

And, while most people your age seem to fit neatly into expected gender roles,
you may feel you don’t—or don’t want to.

This publication aims to help you understand yourself and the LGBTQ+ community
by answering some of your questions and recommending supportive resources.
The questions other youth have asked about being LGBTQ+ shape this publication;
we hope it will help you find answers of your own.

Three important points:

One: There is nothing wrong with being LGBTQ+; it’s as normal as being left-
handed. It’s just another part of who you are. Everyone has a sexual orientation,
a gender identity, and a gender expression.

Two: It takes time to know who you are. It’s okay to be confused, it’s okay to be
unsure, and it’s okay to take your time figuring things out. There’s no need to rush
the process.

Three: You’re not alone. Right now, there are tens of thousands of out LGBTQ+
youth, and thousands more who are wondering if they are LGBTQ+ too. It may
seem hard to imagine, especially if your community isn’t LGBTQ+ friendly.

However, there are ways to reach out to other LGBTQ+ young people. If you call
any of the numbers at the back of this book or log on to any of the websites listed,
you can reach thousands of other youth who have already gone through, or are
currently going through, their own journeys of self-discovery. They are people
with whom you can talk openly, compare unique life experiences, and seek
advice. PFLAG National even partners on such a program—called Q Chat Space—
which is a safe, chat-based space to connect with other youth. You can learn
more about that program at qchatspace.org, and find information about other
organizations at the back of this publication.

pflag.org 5
Obviously, we cannot pose or answer every question within these pages, but
we hope this publication gives you a place to start. You don’t have to be alone
when learning about and identifying your sexual orientation or gender identity/
expression. We also encourage you to visit the resources available on our website
at pflag.org, including our extensive glossary (pflag.org/glossary). Language evolves,
often quickly, and youth are often the ones leading the charge on that evolution.

Our best advice? Be yourself. If you are LGBTQ+, you’ll soon find that you have
the power to shape and define your identity, your story, and the way you choose
to express them. While coming out will present you with questions and situations
you might not have faced before, there is an opportunity to find great joy, comfort,
and even relief in the process of self-discovery.

6 pflag.org
 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Crisis, Danger, and Self-Harm
I am in crisis or potential danger, and sometimes think of harming
myself. I need help!
The short answer: If you are in crisis or thinking about self-harm or suicide—or in
potential imminent danger—you need immediate support. Please turn to the
inside front cover of this publication for important contact information to get
the help you need.

You are worthy of safety, security, love, friendship, and support. If you feel unsafe,
unsure, or like you have nowhere to turn, there are people who can help, so
please immediately avail yourself of these resources. Not sure where to start?
Contact us directly at love@pflag.org and we can help direct you to the best
resource for your situation.

Sexual and Romantic Orientation

How do people become straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual,
asexual, or other orientations?
The short answer: Everyone has a sexual or romantic orientation, not just LGBTQ+
people. However, because society is still focused on heteronormativity (the
centering of heterosexuality as a norm), most people don’t think of being straight
as just one possibility of many.

No one really knows for sure how sexual or romantic orientation develop. However,
many credible experts believe that sexual orientation is not a choice but rather an
innate part of us and of our human condition, like handedness—a concept called
the “nature” argument. Others believe that sexual orientation can be influenced
by upbringing, cultural influences, and other external factors—the “nurture”
argument. And some believe it is a combination of both nature and nurture.
Regardless of how our sexual orientation develops, most evidence states that
it’s not something that can be changed.

pflag.org 7
The American Psychological Association (APA) is the largest association of
psychologists worldwide. In its online Psychology Help Center, which discusses
“Sexual orientation, homosexuality and bisexuality,” the APA confirms its stance—
declared publicly in 1975—that: “...most people experience little or no sense of
choice about their sexual orientation.” The APA goes on to explain that sexual
orientation is created by a complicated mixture of genetics, hormones,
development, and influences both cultural and social; no single factor solely
determines one’s sexual orientation. To read more about health, emotional
awareness, and sexuality, visit the APA’s Online Help Center at apa.org/topics/
lgbtq/orientation.

I think I might not be straight. How do I know for sure?

The short answer: You’ll know when you know. It could take a while, and it’s OK
to remain unsure. There’s no need to rush.

There are hundreds of different ways to realize you are not straight. Some people
say that from the time they were very young they just “felt different” or “just
knew.” Some didn’t share the same grade-school crushes, and some were more
interested in their same-sex or same-gender classmates, while others had little
or no interest in sexual or romantic relationships at all.

People who are LGBQ+ often say it took a while to put a name to their feelings.
Once they learned what being LGBQ+ was, it started to make sense to think about
their own sexual or romantic orientation in those terms. It fit with the feelings
they’d had while growing up.

Many don’t begin to think about their orientation until they’re teenagers or
adults. This is completely normal. We figure out our identities in our own time—
sometimes it takes months, other times it takes decades.

If you think you’re LGBQ+, try not to hide your feelings from yourself. Yes, figuring
out who you are can be stressful, emotional, and a little scary—you may not want
to deal with it—but taking time to think about how you feel is the first step toward
accepting and embracing yourself. Give yourself permission and time to explore
your thoughts and feelings.

How can I be sure of my sexual orientation if I’m not sexually active?

The short answer: You don’t need to have sex or be in a romantic relationship
to discover who you are. It is the attraction that helps determine sexual and
romantic orientation.

It’s important to know that you don’t have to have had a sexual experience to
know that you’re lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Most people experience crushes when
they are quite young, before they become sexually active. Think about your own
past crushes: Your feelings and your emotional and physical attractions will help
tell you who you are.

8 pflag.org
 Once I came to terms with being male, I felt
so much better. I accepted who I am and
immediately wanted others to do the same.

— Anonymous, 15, Jasper, Georgia

I thought LGBTQ+ people act a certain way. If I don’t fit the stereotype,
am I still LGBTQ+?
The short answer: Ignore the stereotypes. Some people fit them, some people don’t.

If you don’t fit a common stereotype for an LGBTQ+ person, it doesn’t mean
you’re not really LGBTQ+. There is a wide range of diversity within the community,
just as there is throughout every part of society. People use stereotypes to
help them understand what to expect from certain groups of people. However,
many stereotypes are inaccurate or simply incorrect, stemming from a lack
of experience or prejudice. For example, you might hear that gay men aren’t
strong or athletic. Or that lesbians appear or act more masculine. But these are
stereotypes and aren’t one-size-fits-all.

Bottom line: Don’t worry about stereotypes, and don’t let labels define you.
There are as many ways to express your identity as there are people in this world.
You don’t need to prove anything to anybody. Be yourself.

I have a crush on my same-sex best friend. What does this mean?

The short answer: Enjoying intimate experiences—like cuddling, kissing, or
holding hands—with someone of the same sex or gender doesn’t automatically
mean you’re not straight, just as enjoying intimate experiences with someone
of a different sex or gender doesn’t automatically mean that you are.

One might develop crushes on different types of people or identify with different
gender roles and expectations throughout their lives; many people have diverse
romantic and sexual experiences. Some identities which capture those experiences
include bisexual+, biromantic, pansexual, and panromantic (see the PFLAG
National glossary at pflag.org/glossary for additional identities and descriptions).

In the past, people have talked about sexuality being on a spectrum or continuum,
with “gay” at one end and “straight” at the other. That thinking is shifting, from
a binary spectrum to more of a sphere of possibilities, and not just sexual but
also romantic.

pflag.org 9
Again, remember that sexuality and romantic drive develops over time. Don’t
worry if you aren’t sure. Your early years are a time of learning, bit by bit, what
works for you, and crushes and experimentation are often part of that process.
You don’t have to label yourself.

I have a crush on someone at my school. How can I tell if they’re

LGBTQ+ too?
The short answer: You can’t, without asking—which presents its own
unique challenges.

It’s impossible to know for sure how someone identifies just by looking at them,
and we shouldn’t assume who people are because of the way they look, dress,
or act.

People sometimes joke about having “gaydar,” a “radar” that senses who is
LGBTQ+. Figuring out someone’s sexual orientation, gender identity, and even
gender expression—if they’re not completely out—is like figuring out if someone
is interested in you: Sometimes you can tell, sometimes you can’t. It can be an
extremely frustrating and stressful process, but it is part of getting to know the
people around you. It takes time and patience.

Asking your friends or theirs won’t guarantee an accurate answer. And while you
can casually observe them to try to find clues—do they have pro-LGBTQ+ stickers
on their backpack or locker? Are they a member of the Gay-Straight or Gender-
Sexuality Alliance (GSA) at your school? —these things mean that they may be
LGBTQ+, or they may be a supportive ally. The only way to find out someone’s
romantic or sexual orientation is to talk to them about it directly. However, it’s
important to respect another person’s privacy. They may not want to talk about
it, could be upset that you asked them, or may not be or want to be out. As a rule,
be careful when asking someone such a personal question unless you know them
very well, and even then, be sensitive to the other person’s privacy. Approach
them the way you would want to be approached about the subject.

Gender Identity and Gender Expression

What’s the difference between sexual orientation, romantic orientation,
gender identity, and gender expression?
The short answer: Every person in the world has a sexual orientation, romantic
orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. One describes our sexual
attractions; one describes our romantic attractions, one describes our internal

10 pflag.org
feelings or sense of being male, female, some combination of both, or neither;
and one describes how we present ourselves outwardly to others.

It’s common for people to see the acronym ‘LGBTQ+’ and think it’s all about sex or
sexual orientation. But it’s not! The ‘transgender’ part of the acronym represents
gender identity and is completely separate from sexual orientation, romantic
orientation, gender expression, and sexual behavior.

Many people think that all transgender or gender-nonconforming are LGBQ.

They aren’t!

In fact, just as each of us has a sexual orientation and romantic orientation, we all
have a gender identity and a way of expressing it. Even cisgender people—that is,
people who are not transgender—have a gender identity! Our gender identity is
how we feel inside about being a girl, a boy, somewhere in between, or neither;
our gender expression is how we dress and act to express or communicate our
gender outwardly (which may or may not correlate with our gender identity);
our sexual orientation describes to whom we are attracted physically, and our
romantic orientation describes toward whom we feel romantic feelings. Each
of these—sexual orientation, romantic orientation, gender identity, and gender
expression—are unique, separate, and everyone has them! To learn more about
terms like these, visit our online glossary at pflag.org/glossary.

What does it mean to be transgender?

The short answer: “Transgender” is an umbrella term, often used to refer to
anyone whose gender identity (their internal sense of their gender) doesn’t line
up with their sex assigned at birth (meaning, the sex the doctor assigned them
when they were born).

The term ‘transgender’ is often used as an umbrella term referring to anyone

who is not cisgender—that is, anyone who does not identify with their assigned
sex, regardless of the reason. That said, just as every cisgender (not transgender)
person is different, so is every transgender person. One person’s definition of
themselves as transgender should not be assumed to be the same for every
transgender person, and transitioning (the process—social, legal, and/or
medical—one goes through to affirm one’s gender identity) is different for each
transgender person. There isn’t only one way to transition, and each person
gets to define that process for themselves.

As you begin to learn more about gender identity and gender expression, you
might hear other terms used, such as “transsexual.” Considered by some to be an
outdated term, it is sometimes used to refer to those who wish to pursue medical
transition such as hormone therapy or gender-affirming surgery. Much like the
word “queer,” which has been reclaimed and embraced by some LGBTQ+ people,
the term “transsexual” has been similarly embraced by some, whereas others find

pflag.org 11
 Since first realizing three years ago that I am
bisexual and coming out to most of my family
and friends in the intervening years, I have
grown tremendously as a person. I am
on my way to living a more authentic life.

— Lauren O., 24, Frisco, Texas

the term to be derogatory or limiting in nature, as it can make some trans people
who choose not to medically transition feel as though they are not able to truly
embrace themselves as transgender. Each person’s experience is unique and how
you choose to define yourself is more than just okay and valid, but deserving of
respect, support, love, and celebration.

The words ‘transgender’ and ‘transsexual’ do have one thing in common:

they are both adjectives (used to describe someone or something) not nouns
(used to identify something). Just as you wouldn’t say someone is “gayed” or
“straightened,” so too you wouldn’t say someone is, or has been, “transgendered”
or “transed.” Saying “Alice is a person who is transgender” is correct—just like
saying “Alice is blonde”—but saying “Alice is transgendered” or “Alice was
transed” is not. Using these adjectives as nouns or verbs is offensive—and can
imply that someone MADE a person transgender, so avoid using them in those ways.

When do transgender people know they’re transgender?

The short answer: One’s internal sense of gender happens at different times for
different people.

Many transgender people remember “feeling different” from their earliest

childhood memories. But because of stigma and lack of information, they can
struggle for many years to understand what they are experiencing or accept this
difference. As more information becomes available, we are seeing transgender
people openly expressing their true gender identity at younger ages. That said,
people come out in their own time and in their own way. They may choose not to
reveal themselves to others long after they discover who they are—or they might
not even discover who they are until later in life. There is no one “transgender
journey.” Everyone’s story is different, and each is valid.

12 pflag.org
What is the typical transition process for transgender people?
The short answer: There is no “typical” transition process because “transition”
means different things to different transgender people.

Some transgender people have a diagnosis of “gender dysphoria” (as defined by

the American Psychological Association) which is required to qualify for medically
necessary care such as puberty blockers, hormones, and gender-affirming surgery.
This diagnosis can be controversial for some, as it might perpetuate stigma and
medicalize what many believe is simply another natural human variation.

Other transgender people never need or desire any type of medical intervention
and instead seek only to socially transition, including things like name changes,
altering their clothing or appearance, and more. There is also legal transition,
which is the process of changing names and gender markers on important legal
documents such as a birth certificate, passport, or social security card.

Young people who have not yet reached adolescence engage in social and
sometimes legal transition.

The internet in particular is rife with misinformation, disinformation, and myths

regarding transition and its many meanings, and we encourage you to seek out
accurate and reliable sources of information, such as our publication OUR TRANS
LOVED ONES, which goes into much more detail on these issues, and was written
specifically for the loved ones of transgender people.

What does it mean to be gender nonconforming and how is that

different from identifying as transgender? And what does it mean
to be genderqueer?
The short answer: Identifying as transgender versus identifying as gender
nonconforming (also called “gender expansive,” but typically only non-LGBTQ+
adults use this term) are two different things. The first relates to one’s gender
identity; the latter relates to one’s gender expression.

Gender-nonconforming individuals are those whose gender expression is different

from the societal expectations based on their assigned sex at birth. Just as with
transgender people, gender nonconforming people may or may not identify as
transgender, male, female, both, or neither.

Genderqueer people identify outside of the gender binary of being either a man or
a woman. They may think of themselves as both man and woman, neither man
nor woman, moving between two genders, or a third gender. There are a variety of
terms related to gender identity and gender expression, so we encourage you to
visit our glossary at pflag.org/glossary for a full listing of those terms.

pflag.org 13
Aren’t there only two genders?
The short answer: No. In America we tend to recognize only two genders, referred
to as the “gender binary”—masculine/man/male and feminine/woman/female.
But many cultures recognize more than two, and American culture has by and
large also shifted away from the binary.

In India and Bangladesh there is a third gender called “Hijra” that is neither male
nor female. The Fa’afafine are a third gender in Samoa. Learn more about how
other cultures perceive gender from this interactive map and supplementary
materials at pflagnation.al/pbs2smap.

Like our sexual and romantic orientations, our gender identity can also be looked
at as spherical in possibilities. There are a whole range of identities to be found,
and throughout our lives, we can experience and express our gender in a variety
of ways. Our gender expression can change over time as we have new experiences
and become aware of new ideas.

Remember, gender is a label created by people. Labels like gender are used to
help us figure out what to expect from one another. They aren’t set in stone, and
there is no right or wrong gender to have or express.

Aren’t there only two sexes?

The short answer: Much as there are a variety of gender identities and ways to
express them, so too are there many different sexes, which go far beyond a simple
glance at one’s genitalia at birth.

Sex is determined by a wide variety of factors and is not as simple as just an XX

or XY chromosome. The entire animal kingdom—humans included—is incredibly
diverse when it comes to sex and sex characteristics. The term “intersex” refers to
people who are biologically between the medically expected definitions of male
and female. This can be through variations in hormones, chromosomes, internal
or external genitalia, or any combination of any or all primary and/or secondary
sex characteristics. While many intersex people are identified as intersex at birth,
many are not. As intersex is about biological sex, it is distinct from gender identity
and sexual orientation. An intersex person can be of any gender identity and can
also be of any sexual orientation and any romantic orientation.

I think I might be transgender or gender nonconforming. How do I know

for sure?
The short answer: You’ll know when you know. It could take a while, and it is okay
to remain unsure. There’s no need to rush.

There are hundreds of different ways to realize you are not gender conforming or
that you are uncomfortable with your gender or physical sex. Some people say
that from the time they were very young they “felt different” or “just knew” they

14 pflag.org
weren’t like their friends, rejecting the stereotypical gender characteristics they
were “supposed” to display.

People who are transgender or gender nonconforming often say it took a while to
put a name to their feelings—it wasn’t until they learned what the terms meant
that it made sense to think about their gender identity and/or expression in those
terms; it fit with the feelings they’d had while growing up.

Many other people don’t begin to figure out their gender identity until they’re
teenagers or adults. This is completely normal. We figure out our identities in our
own time—sometimes it takes months, other times it takes decades.

As with sexuality and romantic identity, some people know their gender identity
at an early age, while for others, gender identity develops and changes over time.
If you feel that your gender identity does not match up with the “boy” or “girl”
label others assume you to have, it is completely normal to explore and learn
about other ways to express yourself. Gender identity can be expressed in many
ways—referred to as “gender expression”—and young people use clothing,
makeup, accessories, and name changes to express outwardly how they feel on
the inside. Over time, if they remain consistent in these expressions, they might
consider other options as they get older, including puberty blockers, hormones,
and more.

Try not to hide your feelings from yourself. Yes, figuring out who you are can be
stressful, emotional, and a little scary—you may not want to deal with it—but
taking some time alone to think about how you feel is the first step toward
accepting yourself. Give yourself permission and time to explore your thoughts,
feelings, and emotions.

Mental Health
Is being non-heterosexual a mental disorder?
The short answer: Absolutely not.

The American Psychiatric Association declared in 1973 that homosexuality is not

a mental disorder or disease, and the American Psychological Association says
that it would be unethical to try to change or “fix” a person’s sexual orientation.

Is being transgender a mental disorder?

The short answer: Absolutely not.

Being transgender or gender nonconforming is not a disorder. The Diagnostic and

Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) V, published in 2022, describes the
term “gender dysphoria” as “a marked incongruence between one’s experienced/

pflag.org 15
 When I was a sophomore in high school,
I realized that my attraction to girls was
stronger than some ordinary “girl crush.” I
didn’t think I could be gay because I am very
feminine. I love fashion and makeup, and it
was hard for me to push past the stereotypes.

— Rachel, 17, Highland Park, New Jersey

expressed gender and their assigned gender, lasting at least 6 months, as

manifested by at least two of the following:

ó A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and

primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the
anticipated secondary sex characteristics)
ó A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
because of a marked incongruence with one’s experienced/expressed gender
(or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated
secondary sex characteristics)
ó A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the
other gender
ó A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different
from one’s assigned gender)
ó A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender
different from one’s assigned gender)
ó A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other
gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender)
The DSM-V says that “In order to meet criteria for the diagnosis, the condition
must also be associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social,
occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” As a result of such distress,
those with untreated gender dysphoria have a “significantly increased risk of
suffering.” However, gender dysphoria narrows treatment to those who experience
distress over their gender incongruity.

Therefore, gender dysphoria isn’t about simply being gender nonconforming.

It has to do with the absence or presence of suffering and discomfort a person

16 pflag.org
might feel if they are unhappy or uncomfortable with their gender identity or
incongruity. As documented by empirical and clinical data, there are many
transgender and gender-nonconforming people who are very happy and
comfortable with their gender identity and don’t need or seek treatment.
Again, every person’s experience is different, and each is valid.

What about “ex-gay” ministries and so-called “reparative therapy”—

can they help me?
The short answer: No. Not only do these measures not work, but also, they are
likely to harm you. Every major mainstream medical, psychiatric, and psychological
association has denounced this type of so-called therapy.

Because sexual orientation and gender identity are not chosen, you cannot
“change your mind” or “pray the gay away” if you are LGBTQ+. After all, did our
straight or cisgender friends make a choice to be straight or cisgender? These
measures have been proven to cause serious damage and potentially dire
consequences for the patients involved. This doesn’t mean that people cannot
make choices about their sexual behaviors or gender expressions, but these are
separate and distinct from sexual and romantic orientation and gender identity.

A few things to know:

ó In 1990, the American Psychological Association stated that scientific evidence

shows that so-called reparative therapy does not work, and that it can do
more harm than good.
ó In 1997, the American Psychological Association again publicly cautioned
against this harmful practice, also known as “conversion therapy.”
ó In 1998, the American Psychiatric Association stated that “psychiatric
literature strongly demonstrates that treatment attempts to change sexual
orientation are ineffective. However, the potential risks are great, including
depression, anxiety and self-destructive [suicidal] behavior.”
ó The American Medical Association states in policy number H-160.991 that it
“opposes the use of ‘reparative’ or ‘conversion’ therapy that is based upon the
assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder or based upon the
assumption that the patient should change his/her homosexual orientation.”
ó In 2001, the U.S. Surgeon General’s Call to Action to Promote Sexual Health
and Responsible Sexual Behavior asserted that homosexuality is not “a
reversible lifestyle choice.”
ó In 2009, the American Psychological Association added a resolution stating,
“mental health professionals should avoid telling clients that they can change
their sexual orientation through therapy or other treatments,” because there
was no evidence that these efforts worked.

pflag.org 17
ó In 2013, Exodus International—the world’s largest “ex-gay” ministry
organization—shut its doors, its founder issuing an apology for the many
harms their methods caused over the years.
So-called “conversion therapy” is deemed so harmful that there are now laws
in many states outlawing the practice by medical professionals for minors, with
other states—and the federal government—considering similar bills. Sadly, at the
moment there are no laws in place that prevent clergy or “faith-based” practices
to continue. Many PFLAG parents have seen firsthand how damaging the practice
has been to their children. PFLAG members believe that it is important to educate
society based on scientific facts and reputable professional opinions, not on
the ideological and pseudo-scientific beliefs expressed by ex-gay ministries
and advocates of reparative therapy. For families of faith who have a newly out
loved one, getting information from reputable faith leaders and sources can be
invaluable. To learn more, consider our publication FAITH IN OUR FAMILIES.
You can find this and all of our publications at pflag.org/publications.

Knowing who these groups are and the various names under which they work
is important. See the Resources section at the back of this book for a list of some
of them.

The LGBTQ+ Community

I don’t see LGBTQ+ people around me. Am I the only LGBTQ+ person
in my community?
The short answer: No. You are definitely NOT the only one; you are one of many.

According to the Williams Institute, there are an estimated 13,042,000 people in

the United States ages 13+ who identify as LGBTQ+, with 1.3 million adults ages
18+ and 300,000 youth ages 13-17 identifying as transgender.

These LGBTQ+ people are diverse and come from every race, ethnicity, faith
tradition, political party, size, shape, disability, age, and occupation. And when
they were teenagers, most of them probably felt the same way you do. If you get
the feeling you’re all by yourself, just remember: millions of people have gone
through the journey you are undertaking.

You are not alone!

Community is key. For young people, Q Chat Space—created in collaboration with

PFLAG National, CenterLink, and Planned Parenthood—offers a safe, moderated,
chat-based, virtual meeting space for LGBTQ+ people ages 13-19. Learn more at
qchatspace.org.

18 pflag.org
Sometimes I don’t see myself reflected in the LGBTQ+ community.
Are there resources for youth of color?
The short answer: Yes, there are more and more resources for LGBTQ+ youth of
color and for others who have multiple identities (youth with disabilities, youth
who are homeless, military youth, and others).

As an LGBTQ+ youth of color you might face issues that affect how you experience,
act on, and come out regarding your sexual orientation or gender identity—
including cultural and family traditions, access to resources, and immigration
status. When deciding whether to come out, you might worry about jeopardizing
your relationships with your family and friends in your racial/ethnic community,
about being accepted as a person of color in white LGBTQ+ groups, and about
potential racism and ignorance that you may find in some segments of the
LGBTQ+ community.

PFLAG National knows that community and support is key. We offer several options.

ó For young people, Q Chat Space—created in collaboration with PFLAG

National, CenterLink, and Planned Parenthood—offers a safe, moderated,
chat-based, virtual meeting space for LGBTQ+ people ages 13-19. There
are a variety of meetings, including ones for youth of color. Learn more at
qchatspace.org.
ó For young people and their families, our PFLAG Connects: Communities
program offers safe, moderated, virtual meeting spaces for people from
common backgrounds to share their experience and support. Meetings for
Black/African American, Latino, Asian American/Pacific Islander, and military
families meet monthly, with more communities to come. Learn more at
pflag.org/connects-communities.

Coming Out
Should I come out?
The short answer: Only if you want to, and only when you’re ready and feel safe
to do so. Don’t come out just because someone else thinks you should.

Think of yourself as a puzzle. There are thousands of little pieces which make up
who you are. Your sexuality, gender identity, and gender expression are just three
parts of that puzzle—but without them, your picture would be incomplete.

Realizing you’re LGBTQ+ doesn’t change who you are, it just fills in some of
the missing pieces. You get to decide whether to keep your picture to yourself,
or whether—and to whom—to display it.

pflag.org 19
You can come out, or disclose, to one person, to friends and family only, or to
everyone you know.

There’s no reason to come out if you aren’t ready. Sometimes there are very good
reasons not to come out. There are people who won’t accept you if you’re LGBTQ+,
people who will do and say unkind or even harmful things. They could be your
parents, friends or classmates, or teachers or coworkers, people you love or
depend on for financial help, companionship, encouragement, or other support.
Like any big decision we make, there are real risks to coming out, and in the current
climate especially, it’s important to weigh them all.

However, there are also very good reasons to let some people know that you’re
LGBTQ+. Hiding your sexual orientation or gender identity keeps the important
people in your life from knowing about a big part of you. By coming out you
can live authentically, begin building community support, and form healthy
relationships. Some LGBTQ+ people find that the loneliness and isolation of
keeping a secret is worse than any fear of coming out.

Whatever your reasons for thinking you should or shouldn’t come out, it’s your
decision and no one else’s. It’s also one you should make at your own speed.

How should I come out?

The short answer: Start by coming out to yourself. Then, choose those who are
closest to you to tell first.

Before you come out to others, you must come out to yourself. It may sound
strange, but it’s actually very important. Knowing that you’re LGBTQ+ is one thing
but being comfortable with being LGBTQ+ and being sure of who you are as a
person is another.

There’s no standard or correct way to come out. Sometimes people make a joke out
of it, surprise their friends, or slip it into a casual conversation. Some decide to sit
their parents or families down and talk about it, while others feel more comfortable
writing a letter, an email, or a text. It all depends on your relationship with your
friends and family, how you communicate best, and how you feel most safe.

A support system is important when you’re coming out. You’ll want people around
you who care about you and will be there for you, whether it’s just to talk or to
give you a hug when you need one, or to give you a place to stay, if necessary. If
you don’t feel that you already have people like that, contact the nearest PFLAG
chapter or one of the other groups listed at the back of this publication.

Should I come out to my parent(s) or guardian(s) and how should I do it?

The short answer: If you’re ready—and with care.

20 pflag.org
 “When I came out to my parents as
transgender, it was after thought and
debate...I was tired of hiding myself at
home and pretending being
misgendered didn’t bother me.”

— Anonymous, 17, Madison, WI

Many LGBTQ+ youth say that their relationship with their parents was much closer
after they came out because it was more honest. They say it was a relief to feel
like they weren’t keeping a secret anymore.

Sometimes a young person doesn’t come out to their parents, but rather their
parents discover that their children at a much earlier age—sometimes as young
as two or three years old—are expressing signs of gender creativity. For these
children, they and their parents work through the process together.

But it doesn’t always work that way, so before you come out to your parents,
there are some things for you to consider:

Think about your parents’ general reaction to LGBTQ+ people. Find out as much
as you can by observing them or asking indirect questions. Do they have friends
who are LGBTQ+? Do they read books or go to movies that include LGBTQ+
people? Is their faith community welcoming? Have you heard them say that
there’s nothing wrong with being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, gender
nonconforming, or queer?

Think about your relationship with your parents. Have they shown that they love
you even when they’re upset with you? Have they stuck by you even when you’ve
done something they didn’t like?

Think about having a plan in place if they don’t respond well, including someone
to call right away if you need support. If you had to leave home, do you have a
place to stay? If your parents cut off financial support, do you have someone else
who can help you?

You’re the only one who can answer these questions. Weigh the balance of “yes”
and “no” responses when you’re thinking about coming out. Trust your gut. It’s
almost always frightening coming out to your parent(s) or guardian(s), but if
you’re scared about it, pay attention to that feeling, and honor it.

pflag.org 21
If your answer to all or most of the questions above is “no,” do not come out to
your parents until you have a safe place to go to and a way to support yourself.
You might be better off waiting until you’re on your own. If your answer to all or
most of these questions is “yes,” then it’s probably safe to tell them.

If you decide you can and want to tell your parent(s), think about how you can
make it easiest on yourself and on them. If you must choose between the two?
Put yourself first, always.

Pick a time when your parents are relaxed and not pressured by work, family
worries, or the holidays. Do it in a place where you feel comfortable, and only
when you feel fully prepared for any upshot from the conversation.

You can prepare yourself with resources to offer them—or even lead with the
resources as a way to share the information.

ó PFLAG meetings. Offering up information about PFLAG meetings is also

valuable, and many chapters offer both virtual and in-person meetings. Visit
pflag.org/find to locate your local PFLAG chapter and speak to a parent who
can talk with you about how your parents might react. This firsthand support
can be invaluable. Be sure to ask that parent if you can have permission to put
your own parents in touch with them, should they need that support.
ó PFLAG publications. PFLAG National publications are also a great resource.
Our publications are all accessible for free download or purchase from our
website at pflag.org/publications. Ones to consider include:
• Our Children. One of our most popular publications, this booklet answers
several commonly asked questions about having an LGB child and includes
a list of related resources that will help your parents in their own journey.
• Our Trans Loved Ones. This publication is available for you and your
parents if you identify as transgender or gender nonconforming.
• Faith in Our Families. For families of faith, there are additional questions
and considerations when a loved one comes out. This publication supports
that faith journey for families.
ó PFLAG Connects: Communities. For people with common backgrounds, our
PFLAG Connects: Communities program offers safe, moderated, virtual meeting
spaces where families can connect, share experiences, and get support. Current
monthly meetings are offered for Black/African American, Latino, AAPI, and
military families. Learn more at pflag.org/connects-communities.
ó PFLAG National Online Community. Sometimes, the need for support for
parents is immediate, and cannot wait for a scheduled monthly meeting.
The PFLAG National Online Community is a private group on Facebook that
anyone can join by answering a few simple questions. It’s a safe space where

22 pflag.org
 people can find peer-to-peer support quickly and, if desired,
anonymously, by asking questions and connecting with others. Visit
facebook.com/groups/pflagnational.
Even if they’re accepting of LGBTQ+ people in general, your parents may be
surprised to learn that you are LGBTQ+. How they respond from there can vary.

Some parents are affirming right away, whether they had an inkling about your
identity or not, and are ready to support, celebrate, and show up for their LGBTQ+
kids immediately, ready to show up at a Pride march with PFLAG. Other parents
have a harder time. They may not want to believe it at first or might need time
to adjust. In fact, some parents who are extremely affirming and even show up
as allies to the community sometimes need a moment when it’s their own child
who comes out. Those parents more quickly come around to being affirming and
supportive. Other parents have a harder time; in the extreme, they may talk about
bringing in clergy or a medical professional to “cure” you.

In earlier generations, there were a lot of incorrect theories blaming parents for
playing a role in influencing their child’s sexual orientation and gender identity.
In fact, PFLAG’s founders talked about this in an early television interview in the
1970s, sharing that they believed this at first, but quickly learned that they were
wrong, and that their parenting had nothing at all to do with “making” their child
gay. As a result of these early theories, however, your parents may still worry
about whether they have failed you in some way as parents, and that worry can
come out as anger and defensiveness.

Some parents, including parents of strong faith, could feel that their way of life
is being rejected, or that you’ve somehow changed their dreams for you. This
feeling of rejection, however, is very common among parents of all teens, LGBTQ+
and not, especially as teens become more independent moving into young
adulthood; at some point, every parent must let go of their image of who or what
their child will be.

Even if they don’t have those reactions, your parents are probably going to feel
worried about you, especially in today’s world. In fact, they may share the same
worries you have about whether your identity will put you in danger, whether the
city or state you live in is a safe place for you to be, and whether your life will be
happy. These are valid concerns, held by both affirming and non-affirming parents.
If your parents are loving and supportive and holding these concerns, you can
work through them together.

No matter what, how you come out and to whom you come out are your choice.
This includes whether your parents have your permission to tell others about
your identity. In a way, your parents will start a coming-out process of their own.
Provide them with resources, answer questions as you feel comfortable, and
always put your own wellbeing first. Ultimately, the more support you—and they—
have, the better.

pflag.org 23
 I came out to everyone at my school’s
first-ever GSA meeting…instead of giving
my feminine birth name, I introduced myself
as Elijah and admitted that I was trans. I
remember trembling with fear, but everyone
was brilliantly accepting.

— Anonymous, 16, Olmsted Falls, Ohio

I can’t come out to my parent(s) or guardians(s).

Whom should I tell?
The short answer: If not your parent(s) or guardian(s), tell only the people you
most trust.

Coming out isn’t something that you do once, and then it’s over. You might decide
to come out now to family members and later to friends, or the other way around.
Or perhaps you could come out to a sibling now, and later to the rest of the family
and your friends.

If you are transgender or gender nonconforming, some people—including your

teachers, principal, and classmates—might be uncomfortable with how you
publicly express yourself, especially if it challenges people’s sense of how they
believe people are “supposed to” dress and act. How you express your gender
is something to think about, discuss with people you trust, and evaluate in terms
of your safety and what kind of community you have around you.

The people you tell first should be the ones you trust the most: trust not to hurt
you, trust to accept you for who you are, and trust to respect your privacy and
hold confidential anything you share with them.

Having a strong support network is critical as you start the coming out process.
The resources at the back of this publication—including your local PFLAG chapter—
are a great place to start! Then, being to think about the pros and cons of telling
friends. What could you gain or lose by telling a particular person? If it’s a friend,
are they likely to support you or withdraw from you? Would they keep the
information private if you asked them to do so, or would they tell other kids at
school without your permission? Do you have a support system to help you if this
is the case? Would your relationship grow stronger through revealing your identity
or strained by not sharing the information?

24 pflag.org
Think about what kinds of things you’ve been able to share with them in the past
and how they have reacted. If you want to come out to someone, and you aren’t
sure how they’ll react, try to feel them out first. You could get them talking about
a current event, book, movie, or TV show about people who are LGBTQ+.

Keep in mind, though, that someone’s reaction to an LGBTQ+ person in a movie

might not be the same as it would be if that person were their sibling or their
friend. And it can work both ways: people might seem either more or less prejudiced
in a hypothetical or fictional situation than they would when responding to
someone close to them.

For example, a friend or a loved one might joke about an LGBTQ+ character in
a movie—or might do so because they think you expect that—but show far more
thoughtfulness and a desire to understand when responding to your coming
out. On the other hand, friends and loved ones who seem accepting of LGBTQ+
characters in the media might be far less accepting of someone close to them who
identifies as LGBTQ+.

To get a sense of how someone might react to your being LGBTQ+, try to keep
your questions specific, personal, and thought provoking. If, for example, you
have a friend who has a sibling off at college or in the military, you could ask
about GSAs on college campuses, or whether their sibling is dating someone in a
gender-non-specific way. Their answers might give you an indication of how they
could respond and will allow you to determine your own best next step.

Will people accept me after I come out?

The short answer: Some people will accept you and some won’t.

Prejudice and discrimination are everywhere in America and around the world
and it takes time to overcome bias and change attitudes.

If you are LGBTQ+, it is more likely than not that you will run into prejudice.
Our society is rooted in heteronormativity and cisnormativity—meaning, an
assumption that everyone is straight and cisgender (not transgender), which
can influence people to discriminate against those who don’t fit into that pattern.
That assumption has begun to change, but it is still real for many people.

Our society also has assumptions about what it means to be a particular sex
or gender and may judge others by how they conform to those preconceptions.
These are called “gender roles,” and they refer to how people are “supposed” to
behave. These biases are changing too—but roles remain rigid in many places,
and the lasting effects of discrimination, preconceptions, and biases persist.

Anti-LGBTQ+ biases are being challenged as more people get to know people
who are LGBTQ+, because more of them are out than ever before. Attitudes are
also changing because other people are serving as vocal and active allies to the

pflag.org 25
LGBTQ+ community to say, “They are my friends,” “they are my colleagues,”
or “they are my neighbors”—and “I’m proud of them.”

Right now in the U.S., it is estimated that eight in ten people can say that they
personally know someone who is LGBTQ+. If you choose to come out, you’ll be
part of making that number even bigger, giving people the opportunity to get to
know you, and transforming biased beliefs to ones of affirmation and celebration.

Will I lose my non-LGBTQ+ friends? Where will I find LGBTQ+ friends?

The short answer: To the first question—probably not. And to the second—everywhere.

Some friends will be supportive right away. One or two friends might have already
guessed that you’re LGBTQ+, and you may find that you already have LGBTQ+
friends and didn’t know it. Some might not be as understanding or accepting,
possibly because their families aren’t, or they are in a faith tradition that isn’t.
Over time, their understanding and feelings may evolve—after all, they know you
and are friends with you, and just their care for you can help them to challenge
the harmful assumptions they are holding on to. Others might never evolve or
change, and this can be hard and painful, but will also help you make space for
new friends who do accept and love you for exactly who you are.

Just as with your parents, consider how each friend is likely to feel when they learn
that you are LGBTQ+, and how you can let them see that you haven’t changed as a
person; offering them some of the resources listed in the back of this publication
can help.

Meeting new friends who are LGBTQ+ is an important part of creating community.
These are people who know exactly what you’re going through because they’ve
been there or are in the process of coming out themselves.

As far as where to find them? Opportunities abound! From PFLAG National,

these include:

ó Q Chat Space. Created in collaboration with PFLAG National, CenterLink,

and Planned Parenthood, Q Chat Space offers a safe, moderated, chat-based,
virtual meeting space for LGBTQ+ people ages 13-19. There are a variety of
meetings, including ones for youth of color. Learn more at qchatspace.org.
ó PFLAG Connects: Communities. This program offers safe, moderated,
virtual meeting spaces for people from common backgrounds to share their
experience and support. Meetings for Black/African American, Latino, Asian
American/Pacific Islander, and military families meet monthly, with more
communities to come. Learn more at pflag.org/connects-communities.
LGBTQ+ youth organizations are another good place to start because you won’t
have to try to figure out whether another teen there is LGBTQ+ or an ally. Most
major cities have LGBTQ+ youth organizations where you’ll be able to meet
people easily. Often you can find them at your local LGBTQ+ center. Your school

26 pflag.org
might have a Gay-Straight or Gender-Sexuality Alliance (GSA), and GSAs almost
always have a supportive teacher or staff member as a sponsor. This is another
excellent place to find not only peer support but also a trusted adult.

If you’re in a small town or in a rural area, it may be harder to find groups like
these. In that case, you can get in touch with peers through the websites and
hotlines listed in the back of this publication. The organizations in the resource
directory can also help you find more specific groups, such as organizations for
LGBTQ+ people who are African American, Arab, Asian-Pacific Islander, or Latino,
or support groups for LGBTQ+ people who are disabled or neurodiverse.

Even if it seems to you that you must be the only LGBTQ+ person at your school,
you aren’t. There are other LGBTQ+ students at your school whom you might
already know (but not know that they’re LGBTQ+) or whom you might not have
met yet. Remember this the next time you feel alone.

Can I have a family of my own?

The short answer: Yes. Throughout the world, LGBTQ+ couples form and build
long-lasting families. And now, in many places, they can marry.

As of June 26, 2015, marriage equality has been the law of the land in all 50 states,
Washington, D.C., as well as all U.S. territories except American Samoa, since
the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that state-level bans on same-sex marriage are
unconstitutional. As of 2023, same-sex marriage is legally recognized in 35
countries: Andorra, Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Chile,
Colombia, Costa Rica, Cuba, Denmark, Ecuador, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany,
Iceland, Ireland, Luxembourg, Malta, Mexico, the Netherlands, New Zealand,
Norway, Portugal, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan,
the United Kingdom, the United States of America and Uruguay.

For those who want a family that includes children—whether by blood, foster
care, or adoption—there are a variety of options.

While there are still legal and legislative challenges, LGBTQ+ people throughout
the world are living with partners or spouses in happy, healthy, and thriving
relationships and families. They also play a tremendous role in helping create
a society in which these relationships receive support to thrive.

I feel so alone, are there people I can talk to?

The short answer: You aren’t alone. There are people out there who are ready
to help.

First and foremost, if you have any thoughts of self-harm, turn immediately to
the front inside cover of this book for a list of helpline numbers that you can call.

The best thing you can do is find someone to talk to whom you can trust. Maybe it
is an individual you already know—a friend, parent, sibling, or a friend’s parent or

pflag.org 27
older sibling. Maybe it’s an adult to whom you have confided in the past and
whom you know you can trust again.

If you don’t know anyone with whom you’re comfortable talking and who will
be supportive and understanding, start by reaching out to PFLAG. You can find
a local chapter at pflag.org/find or join our PFLAG National Online Community
at facebook.com/groups/pflagnational. You can also connect with other LGBTQ+
youth through our Q Chat Space program; learn more at qchatspace.org.

Other options include connecting through the online help sections of the
organizations listed in the back of this publication. You don’t have to give your
name, and they won’t try to talk you into or out of anything.

If you don’t feel ready to talk with someone on the phone, you can learn more
by reading resources and information from other youth on some of the websites
listed at the end of this publication. Many organizations provide email addresses
to which you can send questions confidentially. Others have live chat support.
Please remember to use good judgment when making any contacts, whether on
the phone, online, or in person. Your safety and well-being should always be your
top priority.

Whatever you choose, talking does help. Talking to others and being open
and honest can be an affirming way for you to connect with your own feelings,
connect with others in your life, and connect with those in vibrant and diverse
LGBTQ+ communities. And best of all, you’ll learn that you’re not alone.

Staying Safe
What if I’m harassed at school?
The short answer: You do not have to tolerate harassment at school or anywhere;
there are many resources—and people—available to help you.

School can be challenging for LGBTQ+ youth, who might hear jokes and insults
on a regular basis not only from other students, but sometimes from teachers or
school employees. This harassment can be both verbal and physical, as well as
denial of opportunities; for example, for trans youth, many schools do not have
dress codes, bathrooms, locker rooms, or gym classes that meet their needs.
Many schools also do not have inclusive policies for trans athletes. As of 2023,
a number of states have laws in place banning creating these safe spaces and
policies; some even ban books, lesson plans, and conversation inclusive of
LGBTQ+ identities.

28 pflag.org
Regardless of your sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, you have
the right to a safe learning environment, and there are lots of resources available
to help you and your parent(s) or guardian(s) create such an environment. One
of PFLAG’s top priorities is to help students, parents, guardians, and educators
create safe and affirming schools. To learn more about our safe-school work,
please visit pflag.org/safeschools and pflag.org/claimyourrights for more
information and safe school resources.

What if I’m harassed outside of school?

The short answer: Harassment outside of school should be reported to the local
police or to an adult you trust.

If you are harassed, assaulted, or victimized in any way because of your sexual
orientation or gender identity or expression, contact your local police or tell a
trusted adult as soon as possible. You may have been the victim of a hate crime.

Hate crimes occur when someone targets another person based on a characteristic
they have or a group they belong to, like being LGBTQ+ or being a member of a
certain race. In America, any violent assault against an LGBTQ+ person because of
their sexuality or gender identity can be considered a federal crime. This is part of
the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes Prevention Act, which was
passed into law in 2009.

Many states have their own hate crime laws which protect their citizens. Even if
your state doesn’t protect against crimes committed due to sexual orientation and
gender identity/expression bias, you can still file a police report and seek justice.

If what happened to you wasn’t exactly a crime, but it made you feel threatened,
you can still file an incident report at your local police station. It’s very important
to tell the police what happened to protect yourself and potentially others.

Here we want to recognize that working with law enforcement can have challenges,
too. This is especially true in typically underrepresented communities, including
communities of color and the LGBTQ+ community. If speaking with local law
enforcement doesn’t feel safe for you, please reach out to PFLAG National, at
love@pflag.org. Our relationships are expansive, and we can help you find people
local to you who can assist.

In addition to harassment in person, online harassment is real and can be

violating too. According to the National Crime Prevention Council, cyberbullying
is using the Internet, cell phones, video game systems, or other technology to
send or post text or images intended to harm or embarrass another person. If
you are at any time harassed, threatened, taunted, or teased via technology—no
matter where you are—it is important to contact a trusted adult or authority as
soon as possible.

pflag.org 29
Remember: You are not alone, and there are people ready to help. Visit pflag.org/
claimyourrights for more information. Additionally, the Resources section of this
publication will help you find organizations that can provide assistance.

While harassment and cyberbullying do not always elevate to the level of a hate
crime, they are just as potentially detrimental and dangerous.

Do I need to worry about HIV and AIDS?

The short answer: Everybody needs to be informed about HIV and AIDS.

HIV (human immunodeficiency virus) is the virus that causes AIDS (acquired
immunodeficiency syndrome). Unlike some viruses, HIV cannot be eliminated
by the human body: as of now, once you have HIV, you have it for life. Doctors,
researchers, activists, and others around the world are working hard to find
one, but there is still no cure for HIV/AIDS. Improved treatments, however, are
increasingly alleviating the symptoms and prolonging life.

Since the onset of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, many people have viewed HIV/AIDS as
strictly “a gay issue.” The LGBTQ+ community—including PFLAG’s founders and
first leaders—mobilized early in the epidemic to organize a response. This response
included educating communities, increasing LGBTQ+ visibility to reduce stigma,
developing prevention strategies, and advocating for appropriate care and
treatment options for people living with HIV/AIDS. Yet the epidemic has continued
to progress and take its toll on many diverse communities globally. Still, despite
overwhelming statistics documenting the spread of HIV/AIDS in other communities,
many people still choose to view HIV/AIDS as only a gay issue. Visit cdc.gov/hiv/
basics/transmission.html for a comprehensive list of how HIV/AIDS is spread.

The fact is that being LGBTQ+ does not infect a person with HIV or AIDS. Certain
sexual behaviors, IV drug use, and other factors can put one at risk for becoming
infected with HIV as well as other sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Thankfully,
in addition to current treatments, there is now pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP),
which is medicine taken to prevent getting HIV. PrEP is highly effective for
preventing HIV when taken as prescribed, reducing the risk of getting HIV from sex
by about 99% and the risk of getting HIV from injection drug use by at least 74%.

PrEP is less effective when not taken as prescribed, and since it only protects
against HIV, condom use is still important for the protection against other STDs.
Condom use is also important to help prevent HIV if PrEP is not taken as prescribed.

For the most up-to-date information on HIV/AIDS, including high-risk behaviors,

testing, treatment, and more, visit the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s
HIV/AIDS website at cdc.gov/hiv/.

30 pflag.org
 ORGANIZATIONS
AND RESOURCES
LGBTQ+ Support Organizations and Resources
The following list includes just a few of the groups and resources that may be
able to provide you with information or services. For resources by state, visit
pflagnation.al/stateyouthresources.

Advocates For Youth National LGBTQ+ Task Force

advocatesforyouth.org thetaskforce.org
(202) 419-3420 (202) 393-5177
Ali Forney Center Planned Parenthood
aliforneycenter.org plannedparenthood.org
(212) 222-3427 (800) 230-7526
Bisexual Resource Center Q Chat Space
biresource.net qchatspace.org
(617) 424-9595
Scarleteen
Children of Lesbians and Gays
scarleteen.com
Everywhere (COLAGE),
a program of Family Equality Sex Etc
colage.org sexetc.org
(415) 861-5437
Sexuality Information
GLSEN and Education Council
glsen.org of the United States (SEICUS)
(212) 727-0135 SIECUS.org
Genders & Sexualities Alliance (212) 819-9770
Network (GSA Network) The Trevor Project
gsanetwork.org thetrevorproject.org
(415) 552-4229 thetrevorproject.org/chat
National Center for Transgender (866) 488-7386
Equality (NCTE) True Colors United
transequality.org truecolorsunited.org
(202) 903-0112 (212) 461-7386

pflag.org 31
Anti-LGBTQ+ Organizations to Avoid
The following is a list of names of just a few of the groups that have formed
to oppose basic civil rights and equality for people who are LGBTQ+. Knowing
who they are and the harm that they pose is critical. You can find a more
comprehensive and descriptive list on our website at pflag.org/antilgbtq/.

• Alliance Defending Freedom (ADF)

• Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity (ATCSI)
• American College of Pediatricians
• American Family Association
• Americans for Truth about Homosexuality (AFTAH)
• Christian Anti-Defamation Commission (CADC)
• Concerned Women for America
• Courage/Encourage
• Defend the Family
• Family Research Institute
• Focus on the Family
• Liberty Counsel
• Moms For Liberty (M4L)
• National Organization for Marriage
• Parents & Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays (PFOX)
• Positive Approaches To Healthy Sexuality (PATH)

32 pflag.org
 When I was in 8th grade, I was
outed, endured bullying, and became
depressed. My mom really struggled
with my sexuality for years. Finally,
through a lot of struggle, I accepted
it and so did she. Five years later,
I am a strong and proud member
of the LGBTQ+ community and my
mom started working for PFLAG
in our state.

— Magdalen S., 17, Fenton, Michigan

LEADING WITH LOVE