Brit& - A Jwmal

2(W#l. VOI. Q. NO 2 87 - 97

Ken Evans

Received 20 November 2000

Editor's Note: The following is an edited and shortened version of the Second Annual
Mariarme Fry Lecture,published by kind permission of the Lecture's organisen. These
lectures h o n m the life and work of Marianne Fry, the noted and much loved British
and German Gestalt trainer, who died in 1998. Their purpose is to explore the
relationship between Gestalt therapy and spirituality, an exploration of central concern
to Marianne Fry. Ken Evans' lecture is a remarkable description of his wife's (Mairi's)
struggle with am,her extraordinary courage and commitment to exploring fully what
was mcurring for her at every stage, their joint preparation for her death, and the final
parting between them. It is a c o m p e h g account about dying consciously. The realism
of this chronicle stands in sharp contrast to the secrecy, deflections, fear, and denial that
frequently fluround dying and also cancer as an illness. As Mairi's life ebbs away, Ken
and Mairi 'trust the process" contact continues, and love deepens. In publishing parts of
this unforgettable lecture and first hand account, by a leading figure in the Gestalt
community in Britain, we readers are privileged to share in the experience of living with
dymg. We thank Ken E m for his openness and generous willingness to share what
happened with us. As he himself recognises, his therapy and Gestalt background
provided support for him to remain open to the full emotional intensity of the
wen=,

Kq words: dying, cancer, contact, Buddhism.

I want to share some of the story of how Mairi and I blood tests and advised Mairi to come into hospital four
lived with her dying. Authenticity and contact, day later for expcpIoratory surgery. He was a kind man
helplessness and acceptance were among the themes and tried to seassure us: 'You should not be alarmed at
that occupied the thirty years and five months of our this stage', he said, 'but 1 shall require permission to do
married life and most especially the last thee years of it. whatever may be necessary'. Typically for Mairi, she
A central feature of our shared experience was the put several searching questions to the doctor and
desire to learn as much as possible from this most expIained that she needed straight information - the
profound of human adventures - the adventure of dying. truth, however serious.
Mairi cried on the way home, voicing her anger and
The Shuck of the Beginning fear. When I wasn't changing gear I held her hand. The
roller coaster had beglln
In the first week of December 1996,Mairi had That weekend was an d d time. The context was one
difficulty sleeping and had a sore and swollen belly, I of uncertainty. A 'what i f question pervaded our way
could sense she thought it serious. We visited our local waking moment. We wanted time to stand still to catch
doctor who felt a 'mass' under the rib cage and advised our breath; instead, time speeded up. Control over our
further specialist examination. He referred us to a lives suddenly was snatched away. Hope and dread, fear
consultant who saw us that same evening. When he and optimism were equally figural. There seemed to be
introduced himself as a consultant surgeon our eyes met no middle ground
intensely and we were both quietly alarmed. He took * * * * *
88 Ken Evans

I anived at the hospital as they were giving Mairi her with aftershock; her lips were blue. She looked so very
'pre op'. She appeared remarkably composed and as we young and vulnerable but then exclaimed loudly, 'Damn
talked she said, 'Ken, it will be a relief to b o w one way it. Ken, fuck, damn, what a bugger.' She turned to the
or another', and 'If 1 have got cancer I intend to do nurses and continued a conversation she must have started
everythmg 1 can to beat it. Will yau help me'? Our eyes in thabe. 'Now,I don't want any more morphine, I want
met through a mutually piercing and tearful exchange. 1 an allternative painkiller that doesn't confuse me, as 1 need
squeezed her hand. lo think"
As the porter wheeled in the theatre bed our level o f I left the hospitaI in the early hours, driving home
fear inma&. We weaved our way through the corridors tbrough a mist of tears. There was no other traffic on the
to the theatre. A drama was mfoldig with Mairi and I road. The world is a lonely place at 2am on a cold, dark
playing the main charactas in some macabre production. December morning. I awoke the next day with a start and
All we could do was hold on tight and hope. We arrived at immediately recognised that this was no dream we were
theatte and I kissed Mairi as they wheeled her away. I living. I hurried breakfast and returned to the hospital.
could hear her asking questions. She wanted to know
what they intended to do. I smiled with a certain
sympathy towards anyone who might be foolish enough
to ny to pamnise her. When I anivsd at the hospital around 7m, Mairi was
I returned to the hospital b e d m where I waited for picking at a hospital-style vegetarian breakfast. She
two and a half hours. I can't remember what I thought. I stopped eating and without taking a breath launched into
don't know that I thought much at all. 1 was in shock. I speech.'I'm going to do something about my diet. I want
battled with wave after wave of fear, sadness, dread, as to contact the Bristol cancer centre, and a Friend of a
well as hope and love. friend has ovarian cancer so I want to know what
The surgeon entered at a b u t 8.3Opm. I couId tell by the treatment she has received. I 7n going to phone Rosemary
look on his face he was not about to give me good news.
My spirit shrank and my guts went leaden, as true to his
word, he gave it to me straight,
"
and ask for her help to write to my clients and trainees.'.
She began to cry. 'I'm so sony', she said, don't want to
leave you, I love life I want to see my grandchildren I'm
'Bilateral ovarian cancer', he declared. The word st, sorry'. I quietly protested that she had nothing to be
cancer was instantly inscriw on my heart with a blow- sorry about - this was the voice from her life-script
torch. apologising for being ill.
'I successllly removed two large turnouts, one from We talked and agreed that our daughter Ruth. 24, and
each ovary'. son David, 22, would be told about the cancer in about a
'Suuccessfull~I thought,'what did that mean?" week"stime when they came home for Christmas. We
'I also removed the fa11opian tube but Iefi as much of wanted to support them p n a l l y rather than tell them
the womb as possible to help contain the seedlings.' OVW b e phOIle.
Seedlings? 1 thought, 'does that mean the cancer is We also talked of the possibility of her death and of our
spreading?" detmination to do all that we could to get her well. For
The roller master was out of control! the next two years, while acknowledging that she could
'Mairiwill be here in about ten minutes', he said. 'My die, overwhelmingly we focused on getting well. We b t h
colleague, an oncologist, will see her tomorrow and struggled a little with m a g i d thinking of the kind: 'If we
explain about chemotherapy. This will be necessary to think of the possibility of death somehow we may bring it
mop up the seedlings that are impossible to remove on'. Of course, this is nonsense, but even after substantial
through surgery', He shifted a little uncomfortably, made therapy we can be vulnerable in times of stress.
some (now fargottenj reassuring and sympathetic remarks There are other kinds of nonsense. Many years earlier
and gently withdrew. I thought 'what a difficult task for we had bath experiencd individuals and p u p s within
any hman being to have to tell another that their partnef the Christian church, who contaminated faith with
has a life thratening disease', neurosis to the extent that a person with illness feels
1 felt stunned, as if a hole had opened up in my blamed for being ill and for not getting well. These is a
atdomen but 1 also felt a m e of det&tion. 1recall similar fundamentalist strain within the New Age
thinking what a healthy lifestyle Mairi had led She didn't movement. In his book, Grace and Grit, Ken Wilber,
smoke, she rarely drank alcohol, she had been swimming (1991) gives a moving account of his wife's five years of
30 metres a day up to two weeks beforehand, and she cancer. He recounts an occasion when he was telephoned
followed a strict vegetarian diet. So inevitably 1 asked. by such a fundarnentalist who pmeeded to harangue him
'Why?'. and his wiFe. T ~ y a for
, their lack of faith in the power of
Mairi was wheeled in with two nurses and a porter, all healing. He dealt with this phone call in an angry and
worl&g had to be cheerfUl. She was white and shivering protective way. In his situation I would have responded
Living with Dying 89

similarly. 1have come to think that this neurotic artitude to intensely yet not be destroyed by my overwhelming
'having faith' represents an attempt to gain a sense of feelings.
control in an uncertain world. The greater the dogmatism, Our son David came home on the day Mairi was being
the greater the insecuity-. Thm are also simplistic views discharged home. I broke the news and he was attentive
that cancer arises as a result, for instance, of repressed but quiet. When we arrived at the hospital he hugged
anger or other 'shadow' characteristics. Hypothetical Mairi and she spoke with him about what she intended to
explanations are one thing: accepting the situation fully, do to tq to get on top of the cancer. We left for home with
with its potential for msformation, is another. Mairi in a wheelchair. That night as we lay in bed feeling
The most important commitment Mairi and I made to gratefbl to k at home together, Mairi shared her concern
each other right at the begming was to be honest and tell that David appeared to be 'bottling it all up" Within an
each other the truth wen when it hurt. If we were to cope hour we could hear him sobb'i in his b h m . I got up
and learn, we had to be authentic and by not to "protect' and went to his r m , got into bed alongside him and with
each other inappropriately. We put remaining in corrtact to his head on my chest he cried himself to sleep. Mairi was
the test and it did not fail us. asleep when I setumed to our bed. I whispered, 'he's OK
We wanted people to know that Mairi had cancer now' and lay awake for a long time.
because people often feel ashamed of being ill. Cancer is The day following Mairi's return home from hospital
a word that is whispered - as if to speak it will somehow and shortly after breakfast I couldn't hold it any longer
magically lead to an evil consequence. So, we determined and broke down and cried Mairi's smile lit up her entire
to let all our family, friends and colleagues know, face, 'lt's so g d to see your love', she said and clearly
including trainees at the institute we had jointly founded. meant it. I pictured this smile on occasions during the
We wanted to mode1 honesty and openness. following thee years when I was tempted to hold back
Our friend and colleague Rosemary helped Mairi to from speaking. Even now when I am hurting, 1 visualise
write to her clients explaining why she was having to her face smiling at me.
terminate therapy. Rosemary then met with each client to
assist them in choosing another therapist. This was a Supporr, Hope, DisuppoinbrPPerts
hugely difficult experience for Mairi. She would not have
had the energy to deal with meeting her clients face to Maki was determined., whether she lived or died, that
face, with the inevitability of carrying some of their she was going to 'live 'ti1 I die': painting, gardening,
emotion. She needed to focus her energy on her health. learning about macrobiotic food and writing a
macrobiotic cookbook, and entering a renewed
relationship with her twin sister Jeanne. She saw haself
as learning to live with and through cancer, thereby
Chemotherapy was to start on December 17th and sobbing it of its power to contaminate the spirit
Mairi would be home on December 23rd. As Chstmas The treatment was relentless and followed by a b l o d
approached, I real1 walking through the Market Square test which each time showed a dmmatic decrease in the
in Notlingham with the sights and sounds of Chrismas all cancer count. We kept people informed. When a person is
around me. It all seemed surreal. I thought the world struck by cancer it is not uncommon for couples to
should stop now and take notice of what was happening - become somewhat insular and unwittingly to isolate
and smiled gnmly at my narcissism. themselves from friends and Family. Initially, we felt the
Out daughter Ruth came home for Christmas from d u c t i o n of this.
London earlier than expected. We had told her &at her Cards and letters poured in. I surprised myself in
mum was in hospital but not the details. One of the moat finding them so supporting. Mairi had experienced
difficultexperiences of my life was brealung the news to emotional abandonment as a child, including a short but
her and later to David. Ruth came with me to the hospitd significant period in hospital. An early script message
and I left her and Mairi alone. 'A time for themselves,' I was, 'Don't get ill or you'll be abandoned'. Because of
thought. I went for a walk in the hospital grounds and this she knew she could experience anguish at times
cried and got angry, 'Why Mairi?' I began to protest and during hospitalisation. Accordingly, with the support of
then almost instantly I stopped and thought, W h y not?' close friends,we set up a rota of people who would take
Why anyone? The universe is morally neutral. There was turn with me to sleep over in hospital with her.
no ill intent involved. And death is as necessary as is life. This was a tremendous heahg experience for Mairi. It
It just hurt like hell and I decided to allow myself to feel did not change the past, of course, but it gave her another
angry just now. I also thought, 'thankGod for my Gestalt healthy experience to rest in the psyche along.side her
training, and for my therapists who have helped me to early experiences. Gradually, over the three years the new
become emotionally literate'. I knew I could feel experiences of love and support became the predominant
W Ken Evans

experience, bringing deep healing for her occasions were me and I learned to dig deep not to react
By Easter 1997 the cancer count was down fsom 2,000 with resentment and anger. When you think you've
to 2. The normal range for people who do not have canem reached your limits, you get pulled beyond your limits by
is 1.7 to 32. Mairi was told she was in remission! We an invisible f m e that, metaphorically spkmg, secretes a
were thrilled. Mairi was concerned to continue her chemical in your heart called compassion.
vigiIance and maintain ha present diet, meditation, and What was helpful was David Brazier's (1997) book on
lifestyte. contemporary approaches to Buddhism, The Feeling
She applied for a job as part time director of a Buddha. This support4 my meditation ptactim. One of
cmselling and spirituality centre in Nottirigham This the important learnings, confirmed now by my
was a new project. At intwview she told the panel she had experience, was the normality of suffering. Our culture
cancer and her first priority was to try and get well. She teaches us to expect health and happiness and because this
could not guarantee how long she would be able to lead i s not the norm of life we can feel ashamed, resentful and
the project and they should be awaxe of this when making think there is something wrong. Yet it is possible to face
their appointment. suffering not with resignation but with acceptance and so
We had a good summer. Mairi took herself off to a transform it by asking the question, 'what i s this tying to
macrobiotic camp for a week and enjoyed a painting teach me?' Brazier calls this 'riding the dragon',
holiday in Suffolk with her sister. The garden became n approaching each difficulty with the notion that there is
showpiece for growing orgarllc vegetables. We learned a something to learn from this experience. One of the
lot about cancer though reading the literature and about beneficial consequences is to understand that one can k
the range of treatments, conventiona1 and alternative. I helpIess but not hopeless. Helplessness is, in fact, the
also became increasingly knowledgeable about food, place from which discovery is possible, as we are pulled
health supplements and improved my skills at kyond our currmt levels of self support and invited into
macrobiotic cooking. Life returned to something like the uncertain and the unknown. which is the only place
normal. Except life now seemed mote immediately from which change is possible. Change occurs in the
precious and poignant. space beyond our cutrent optimum Ievel of self support
However, in September the blood test showed an and always requires we trust the process. 'llzis is what I
increase in the cancer. Mairi3 disappointment was call faith.
evident as her whole body shivered and collapsed inward
at the news. I felt an enormous pain in my chest as my
h a r t went out to hold hm heart. The oncologist explained
that cancer ceIls are very intelligent and sometimes a few The cancer count in the blood began to fall again but at
hide away and develop a resistance to the chemotherapy. a slower rate, and the second Christmas, 1997, was one
Mairi took a deep breath, drew herself up and said to the where Mairi was more active and involved. Our daughter
doctor, Tight, so what do we do now?' Ruth and boyhend Ben announced their engagement and
decision to get married in July 1999. Mairi and Ruth set
about the initial plans. But as we entered 1998 the cancer
began to slowly increase again. Yet Mairi was determined
A second kind ofchemotherapy was necessacy bewuse to be at Ruth's wedding.
the cancer was resistant to the first type. This was to be After continued chemotherapy, the cancer count fell to
delivered by a single injection once a day for five days 7.5. A second summer of hope, holidays, and gardening.
and could be done on an outpatient basis. At least there Mairi and Ruth visited some exclusive London stares to
would be no long weekends hooked up to n machine. by on wedding dresses.
However, the side effects seemed worn. They were the But in September the cancer count began go up again.
(by now) familiar nausea, titmines, and constipation. Yet Mairi managed to get the doctor to be reasonably up Front
this time thae all seemed more debilitating. Mairi was about the terminal course of her illness. She wrote the
st&g from a less physically robust place than when first following in her diary, 'On hearing the news today,
diagnosed. Friday, 11th Septemkr I felt shocked, tearful and worsied
Investing in life and relationships had always been and determined to make Ruth's wedding. I was also
chamcteristic of M h ' s way of king in the world. This surprised to feel a glimmer of excitement about the
took on an wen grater intensity. There were of course experience of dymg and what comes next ...?'
times when the treatments and s m s of living w ith cancer Another diary entry reads: Wn Monday 14th
were simply u n h b l e and feeling unable to cope, she September, I woke up with the tmth that I would die.
reached out to me in distress, And there were times when During my meditation I had a sense that my work here
she gave vent to her frustration and fear on me. Such was complete. There's not much left for me to do. I'm sad
Living with Dying 91

mainly about not being part of my grandchildren's lives beginning with a holiday at a macrobiotic residential in
and hurting those who love me when I die. And the sense OKfbrdshire and some time painting and gardening. We
that I have completed what 1 am here to do still remains both knew this would be her last summer so we spent a
very strongly. I went to Colwick Park with a friend today lot of time walking and taking.
and enjoyed the sunshine, water and a beautiful white We regrettably but necessarily reduced contact with
feather I found by the lake. I will miss not being able to Friends. Mairi had lived and breathed social engagement
do h s ...' and friendships. Sadly, that which had energised her
And another: 'I'm now in a lovely cottage in the Peak throughout her life had now became too exhausting. She
District. Perfect timing for a break. I still feel very tender needed her strength to die well. Having said that, some
and tired. I'm looking at Ken as I write and feel moved by friends did continue to call respectfully staying only
his gentle kindness to me. Once again 1am grateful that it briefly but with gifts of tuna lasagne and carrot soup,
is him who is with me on my journey. He won't leave me. which was the only food Mairi was willing to eat in small
1 have realised once again that I need personal support to quantities - until the middle of December when she
die. I feel a bit scared in case it's p a m l and undignified stopped eating altogether.
but I also know I have enough support in my team to help Mairi and I talked more extensively about death and the
me through. When I'm in pain I'm v g r good at coping m a m a of her death.
but I have realised over the past two years that I need The finality of death challenged us to decision: to be
someone there. I don't want to take drugs like morphine fully present in h e here and now and to begin eternal life.
until it's absolutely necessary. I want my mind to stay 'For eternity rightly understood', said Rumi, 'is not the
clear as long as possible.' perpetuation of time but rather the overcoming of time by
Mairi and her oncologist negotiated a different, more the now that does not pass away.'
traditional, chemotherapy with the sole goal of making In our society death is like how sex was to the
Ruth's wedding the following summa. We both had some Victorians- necessary but the least said about it the better.
doubts about Mairi m a w it to the wedding, especially Death has been pushed to the borders of ow scciety and
as Mairi began ta experience even more intense side to the periphery of civilisation. We believed that facing
effects,1thought, 'how cruel this treatment can be'. death full on would enrich our souls;death denied would
December 25th, 1998, was the third Christmas since the impoverish our souls.
diagnosis of cancet. Mwi was tired but engaged with life
and most of the holiday was taken up with plans for the
wedding and starting the dressmaking. It was a happy
time. We were learning to live with happiness and sadness On a cold and rainy day in Iate November 1999, Mairi
in mutual wistence. and I, together with her sister Jeanne, made an
February and March 1999 were bleak and cold as the appointment with the parish clerk to visit the village
chemotherapy ate into Mairi's body. We continued to churchyard to choose a plot. The parish clerk was
tough it out but by April it was clear to us both that Mairi perplexed to know which of our relatives was going to
needed a break from treatment. She persuaded the die,
oncologist to stop treatment, at least for a while. There 'Me',replied Maiti,
was resistance from the doctor but the treatment was not The clerk held her breath, not sure how to respond,
going anywhere and besides that, Mairi said, '3 want my when Mairi burst into laughter and released the tension. It
own hair for my daughter's wedding'. T?us seemed to was the tradition in Mairi's family to be cremated. When
impact the doctor. Mairi saw the crematorium plot and the size of the
Sure enough Mairi slowly got s m g e r and her hair headstones she said, 'I want something bigger than that',
began to grow back. With help from her aunt she and we walked arm in arm in the pouring rain across to
completed the wedding dress. We went shopping for the burial ground. The clerk indicated where the vacant
Mairi's outfit. plots were located and Mairi immediately chose an area
The day after the wedding she wrote this in her diary: near a path so that people would not get their feet muddy
'This was the day 1 had been looking forward to and when they came to visit. And turning to me she said,
worked for. Everythmg had been geared for this event for 'And are you OK about going just there?'. I nodded and
months. I had o h wondered whether I would make it. It we booked a double plot.
meant so much to me.' We arranged for a visit from the funeral director, John
Buck h thirty years he had only once before k e n invited
to discuss funeral arrangements with the person who was
dylng. And this was with a couple who were concerned to
hhiri and I had n peacehl summer aRer the wed-, book early to avoid any possible price increase! Maiti
92 Ken Evans

assuted him she W d not be around that long. conscious as possible for as long as possible within the
John sat in understandable embarrassment for a few constraints of pain control. He replied that he could
minutes while Mairi and I argued over the type of cofim. certasnly help. 'I feel it is a privilege to work with a dying
We both liked the same design and colour but she wanted person and their family and I can assure you I will keep
a chipboard coffm with an oak veneer and I wanted solid m top of the pain. The m i n g team is excellent. J would
oak 'I'm not sending you off in a chip-board coffin', I lke to see Mairi at home, and please call me Nigel.' He
said, as if it mattered Mairi could see it r n a t t d to me then enquired how I was coping. In three years, no one at
and relented. the hospital had asked me how I was doing. I left his
Next came the stonemason.He was a gentleman of the office, got in my car but w i t h a few mettes pulled ova
old school and took a great deal of time supporting us to to the side of the road and sobbed. I was so relieved to
choose Portland stone. We had decided on the inscription find a doctor willing to take us seriously about the
for the headstone in the summer. It was taken from impwtance of dylng well.
William Blake's E t m i t y . Mairi changed the gender to Nigel visited Mairi the next day and stayed for over an
read: hour. She felt inspired der his visit, seen and heard as I
She who would bind u n t ~herseIf ajoy had beem
D o e the winged life d e w We kept our appoinhnent with the Consultant and while
She who kisses the joy as it flies we both felt he had Mairi's best interests at heart he was
Lives in eternity's sunrise, operating h r n a different frame of reference. We were
convinced more people would choose a conscious death if
the information and support (and thus permission) were
available. He tried to persuade us to rely on his hospital
We visited he consultant fm the reg-ular check up md, staff and spend the end days in hospital. H e simply had no
yes, the cancer count was still rising which came as no positive experience of a family coping well at home.
surprise or shmk by now. Mairi said, 'Doctor, I would
The bedroom now became a pharmacy with a variety of
like to talk with you about what happens when Idie.' medications brought in by the disttia nurses for stomach
'Yes," added, 'and I would like to talk about Mairi's upset, constipation, pain relief and so on. Also Mairi
death. We are both able to tolerate this information and began a series of operations to drain fluid off. This
would like to explore a conscious path to dying.' required a hospital visit but not an overnight stay. By
Well,' he replied, 'of course.' He then swung round in December 3rd solid fuod became increasingly difficult to
his chair and began to write his notes. 1 repeated our hold down.
requests and he replied that we would need to a m g e an Restrictions on visits, hair loss, energy Ioss, loss of
appointment to discuss this. physical strength, loss of appetite, loss of activity, work,
Mairi said 'This week please.' projected loss of grandchildren. So many 10s=...so many
'Friday, December Znd?' he replied hesitatingIy. little deaths cumulating aver time md preparing for the
'Yes,'she replied 'and I would like at least an hour.' final death,
On the way home we were d~spondentand anxious and
wondered how much real support we could anricipate The Approach of Death
from the hospital. The hospital culture is not geared up to
death and our experience suggests many doctors are On December 7th Mairi's draining tube became
suffering post traumatic stress. They are introduced to bIocked and the fluid build up was uncomfortable and
death, without adequate support, at an early age, and few remarkably fast. It needed changing soon before the
seem able to process dying and death except in strictly discomfort escalated to pain The drive to the hospital was
medical term. We resolved to spea2c with our local GP, a tough as the car suddenly appeared to develop square
young man we both liked though 1 had only seen him wheeIs, with every bump in the road resonating through
once for a mutine blood test. I heard he was sympathetic her body.
to alternative medicine and employed a oounsellor and an We now got into a routine of checking temperatum and
osteopath in his practice. Mairi agreed I should speak with checking tubes, trying this f d and trying that, taking the
him in the first instance and test the gr~md, medications at the prescribed times, reporting to the
I secured an appointment the next day. I was district nurses and to Nigei. H e was sight: the nursing
immediately struck by his openness, directness and team was excellent and not at all pamnising. Indeed, I
humour. I thought 'maybe we can do business with this think they genuinely respected what we were trying to do
man'. and were impressed by the level of care we were
I explained that my wife was very ill with cancer, and providing.
that we needed help for her to die at home - staying as On December 16th the tube blocked again. The
Living with Dying 93

radiologist was going abroad the next day but he had has its roots in fear and when it touches pain it becomes
become inspired by our endeavours and came to our fear. When love touches someone's pain it becomes
home with his 'tml kit' that evening after work. With me compassion.'
as his assistant he removed the tube from Mairi's stomach All of us gatherd around Mairi talked with each other
and replaced it with a new one. Assisting the radiologist, I honestly. In the process, we all grew closer and closa.
had to watch and help with the injections, the tube
removal and the insertion of the new tube. I had no time
or inclination to consider whether or not I could handle
this. I just did. In the early hours of the morning of the 20th December
The following day Nigel said Mairi needed a 'driver'. I gently woke Mairi with an ice cube application on her
Mairi and 1 glanced at each other with a knowing look lips. Tears rolled down her face and my immediate
One more step along the journey from which there was no thought was that the ice was bringing relief but, no, Mairi
coming back. The driver was a drug release mechanism looked at me and was relieved to see me and excitedly
that would now administer pain killers, anti siclatess, and Whispered to me, 'I saw the M m and Papas.They want
whatever other concoctions were necessary. Medication me to go with them.'
could thus be topped up and changed in the least intrusive D d you go somewhere?' I asked.
way. 'Yes, and everythzng is transformed I am transformed,
Mairi's mouth was becoming sore which I alleviated as Evayhng is transfomed.'
best I could with a glycerine solution on a sponge. Her 'hto what?' I replied.
eyes were getting increasingly sticky with a conjunctivitis 'It's so beautiful.' And she fell back into sleep waving
type discharge. The days and nights became a vigil of to someone at the same time and with a big smile on her
emuring Mairi was comfortable. I now slept on a mattress face. She came out of her sleep almost immediately and
on the floor so as not to disiub ha or damage the various said, 'I've been to Narnia too [the Chronicles of Namia
tubes and wires attached to her body. Bedpans and bed are a collection of stories by C S Lewis]. 'Everydung is
baths replaced the bathroom. Mairi was still hlly alert transformed. It's kutiful ...the circle is complete. It made
and assisting the process. She asked me to make ice cubes sense of everythmg. And it's such a surprise you don't
with filtered water on straws which became her only have to be on your own. You don" have to do it by
source of nourishment from December 17th. yourself. I was injured.'
Sogyal Rinpoche (1995, July 18) has written: 'Did they make you better?'
'Whatever you do, don't shut off your pain; accept your Mairi shrugged as if it was of no concern and said, 'I
pain and remain vulnerable. However desperate you haven't got to that bit yet.'
become accept your pain as it is, because it is in fact
trying to hand you a priceless gift: the chance of
discovering what lies behind sorrow'. We both clung to
this belief that open honest contact would sustain us md A short while later I drew the curtains to let in the
teach us. morning. Before doing so I first gently placed sunglasses
'Grief,' wmte Rumi, 'can be the garden of compassion. on Mairi because she had become light sensitive. She
If you keep your heart open through ev-g, your pain spoke, 'Ken, I've been in Willy Lot's cottage in the
can become your greatest ally in your m h for wisdom.' night. A Guide took me in and people came, I was
We both understood that protection from pain just inmduoed to the people who were all mforrned. They
wouldn't work, If we tried to defend ourselves from are here all the time but we can't see them. In the scariest
suffering we would only suffer more and fail to learn place the message was all things are transformed, in each
from this most significant human experience. Only the other and it's a continuous circle.'
vulnerable heart we hew could experience tenderness. On December 21st I woke at 7am. Mairi's eyes were
Sogyal Rinpoche (op cit August 20) writes, 'At every closed as they were most of the time now, day as well as
moment of our lives we need compassion, but what more night. She was whispering and moving her hand as if
urgent moment could there be than when we are dying? talking with someone.
What more ... could you give the dying pmon than the 'Who i s there Mairi?"
knowledge that they are being prayed for and that you are 'Oh, she's such a lovely woman. With a big history.
taking on their suffering ... The dying person is actually She's going to show me what's going to happen. 1 can feel
helping you develop your compassion and so heal the lovely ston= all around.'
yourself. All dying people are teachers, giving to those She gave a deep satisfying sigh, such as I had never
who help an opportunity to transform through developing witnessed the like before. She looked completely content
compassion.' Me has also written (December 26): 'Pity and at peace.
 Ken Evans

'What do you see now?" asked, We oRm encounter clients who received too little love
She replied slowly, deliberately through whispered and in c h i l d h d . But it is also important for children to be
laboured breathing, 'hthe long night when you've been attowed to love others. For me, one of the most helpful
gone [I took this to mean when 3 had been asleep] she aspects of this experience was being allowed to love as
showed me the Saviour. It's happened again and again best as 1 could. This was healing for me and for Mairi,
and again, a bigger one and a bigger one', and Mairi drew allowing her to accept more fully the love offered by me
circles with her hand. 'It's leaned. It's not only that it's and our family and friends. Ironically the very cancer that
easier, it's also much closer than you realise.' Mairi rested was taking her life had invoked a healthy dependency
for a while and then whispered to me,'Ken, thank you for which took love and compassion to the root of her
being a wonderful piloL' childhood and -I believe - brought healing to the deepest
later in the middle of the morning, in a dramatically part of her being.
different h e of mind, she suddenly became agitated Later, while the family was upstairs, Mairi turned to me
and with clenched fists said, 7 have a right to speak! 1 and said, 'I*IE be here with you next f i s t m a s ' .
have a sight to see! I have a right to taste! J m e does 'I know what you mean', I replied
too.' Mairi's voice of protest sounded heahby and from a dnA" 1need to k t you all go now, K a *
time and place way back in ha history. A sense of relief T said 'I h o w , Mairi', my heart breaking inside my
resonated throughout my entire body and I knew chest. Mairi had decided it was about h e to die.
something had shified for her, some early issue had been Earlier, in the autumn, I had read a heIpful commentary
healed, 1 w a s convinced of it. She then said cIedy and on eastem approaches to death and dying by Robert Sachs
distinctly, 'Gathered in love in the family of life we are a (1998), whom Mairi and I had met in Oxfordshire in the
s a d community'. And she fell asleep. summer. He explained how, when death is imminent, a
h a whispered conversation on Christmas Eve, I said to dying person needs less external input and more space to
her: You seem to move between two realities, this one prepare inwardly for the journey ahead I thought deeply
and another one which seems very close by.' about this, and while this would be helpful later, right now
'Yes,' she replied, 'there are two realities, very close, I felt attuned to Mairi's soul and I began to sense she was
closer than you think.' Then, 'Ken, I don"t want to leave upset. Shauld 1 risk disturbing her and share my sense that
you hurt.' something wasn't right?
'1 know, Mairi, and your body wit1 give up eventually 'Mairi?' No response. 'I guess it's not so much about
and I trust you to know when it's time." accepting your dying as leaving this life you love so
'I don't want you to hw Ken.' much.'
'And 1 will h a Majri, and I'll be 0 K. I love you, She nodded slowly. Encouraged, I took a deep, anxious
Mairi.' breath and went on, 'You can be angry about leaving the
'And you're my M fiend, Ken.' universe. God will accept your anger and mderstand.' No
response, and I wondered whether I had 'missed her' -
perhaps it was 'mystuff.
The Days 'I'm going to read to you now - is that OK?'
Christmas Day, 1998. 'Youmade it, Mairi.' She nodded and then slowly with a hoarse whisper, she
'Yes,' she replied, 'it's very symbo1ic fm me and I dm't said, 'Smart arse'.
want the morphine increased today - I want to savour the I had intuited comdy.
day.' 'I love you too, Mairi', I replied,
We exchanged presents. Buying presents for someone She smiled; 1continued to read.
who is dying is pmfmdly difficult. I bought Mairi a soft
purple toothbrush, which she really appreciated, and a CD
of love songs. She bought me the MrrnpIete Chronicles of
Namin, in hardback. On December 28th Mairi had a restless night with
We s h a d some gifts with the family mund the bed. 'puppy twitches' in her arms and legs.Nigel had told me
This was a joyous and sad and wondrous h e . We toasted to look out for these as they were usually a sign that
life, and Mairi, with champagne, which she sucked on a discomfort was escalating into pain. Z tried to clean her
sponge. We sang carols and with her eyes shut and in a eyes but she resisted, so I stopped. I was now convinced
hoarse whisper she sang along with us. Tears were Mairi was growing more uncomfortable.
streaming down the inside of my body. She looked so I shared my dilemma with Jeanne: 'I think Mairi needs
young and fragile and vulnerabte and so completely more morphine and I don't want to frighten her because I
msting. I thought, 'you are heated to your core'. believe she is still very aleri but unable to communicate.
Living with Dying 95

Do I get the doctor?' As if in slow motion I watched Nigel take a syringe

Even as I spoke I knew what I had to do. 'Jeanne, I'm and administer the morphine. The morphine which would
going to share my concern with Mairi. I am scared of aIleviate Mairi's discomfort and also could kill her. I will
frightening her and my scare is getting in the way." remember this scene always. P felt I was being cnzcified
Contact was the only way forward, I thought. Trust the and yet I would not have wanted it any other way.
prccess! While the morphine was taking effect I lefl Mairi with
'Mairi, you have had a restless night and are clearly Jeanne, Nigel, and the district nurse and went to the
uncomfortable.' I was about to ask her what she wouId pharmacy to inform them we would not need the anti-
like me to do when 1 stopped and thought, 'No, this is a sickness drugs we had ordered. When I got back Nigel
moment for me to take this responsibility off her was leaving: 'Ring me any time', he said He had tears in
shoulders. Yes,choice is important but what a decision to his eyes,
ask her to make. b e demands...' Mairi was still sitting up in bed and smiling and looking
Respecting her autonomy but taking responsibility, I relaxed. As I entered the room she turned to me and I sat
said, 'Mairi, I think you need more morphine or the pain on the bed facing her. She opened her eyes briefly and for
will escalate and then it will be difficult to coniml. So I the first time in days. I was struck by how deeply blue
think we should call the doctor - is that OK with you?' they were and brighter I thought than E had ever seen
Mairi nodded in agreement. I felt a momentary relief, them.Her eyes spoke all I needed to know, of love and
followed quickly by anguish. We both knew what this trust and frrendship. She smiled at me and then she closed
would mean. her eyes. I would never again look into her eyes while she
I want to share a quotation with you, one of several that was alive in this space and time.
Mairi collected in an exercise book and gave me just I gently cleaned her eyes and mouth.
before Chrisms: Low is the ultimate reality. It is the After a whle I intuited her thoughts: 'Are you thinking
only The All. Thefeeling of love is your experience of of all your family?'
God. Love requires vulnerability and love is sometimes She nodded slowly.
very costly. Love is not soft or sentimenta1. I believe love 'How much you love us and we you?'
sometimes requires that we be proactive, in risk taking. A laboured 'Yes' and n smile.
Love bade me tell the woman I loved that her level of 'Do you want me to read to you?'
pain was such that additional morphine was needed, In Again, she nodded I began to read
doing this I h e w she would be taken closer to her death. I again recaIled Sachs' advice about low external
She knew this too. stimulation and read quietly to reassure her of my
Nigel arrived with one of the district nurses and sat on presence but not so loud as to i n t e r f a with whatever she
the bed next to Mairi who gestured that she wished to sit needed to do. I became conscious of the mechanical
up. Jeanne and I lified her up, placing our hmds under whirring sound of the h v e r as it pumped its contents into
each shoulder and sliding her up into a sitting position. my Mairi.
She looked a little more comfortable and looked in my Eater, I recalled moE of Sachs' advice. Sometimes he
direction through c l o d eyes. believes the dying person needs help to let go of this
'Mairi, I will share my thinking with Nigel. If you world and leave behind the people they love. 1t is
disagree with a n w g , let us how*' sometimes difficult to let go of the responsibility to loved
She replied with a whispered and laboured 'yes' and a ones. So I spoke: 'Mairi, I love you. You have been a
dear nod. wonderful friend and partner and soulmate to me and a
'Nigel, Mairi has had the puppy twitches you told us terrific mother to Ruth and David. We have learned a lot
about. She winced when I adjusted the bedclothes last fKrm you that's going to help us now, so there is no more
night and it seems too painful for her to have her mouth work for you to do.You can let go. A loving future awaits
soothed and eyes cleaned. Is that right, Mairi?' you elsewhere. Go to God.'
Another clear nod and labured Tes'. A little while Iater, Mairi's arms and k t were blue and
'Mairi', Nigel now spoke, 'I'm going to give you an there was a gurgling s o d within her stomach. Fluid was
injection of morphine and in about twenty minutes you'll moving up her body and would soon be entering her
feet much more comfortable and 1" also going to lungs. She appeared to be in no pain whatsoever. I told
increase the strength in your driver. Is that OK?' everyone I was calling Nigel and to come to our bedroom.
A further laboured 'Yes' and a distinct nod of approval. I felt frightened and calm b t h at the same h e .
Mairi was clearly in agreement. This was so important to We gathered around. the bed. We did not touch her feet
me as I h e w she was fully aware of the consequences or the major part of the body as the Buddhist tradition
and even though there might be littIe real choice for her suggests that to touch these parts of the body near the time
she would want to be asked for her agreement. of death can unwittingly hold the dying person in this
96 Ken Evans

world when they are needing to mvel beyond We took Nigel came and confirmed the death and withdrew the
tuns to lightly hold her hands and gently stroke them.We draining tube.
needed to let her go now. Unbearable as it was, it felt We began a three-hour vigil recommended by the
absolutely the right thing to do - to work with her and Buddhist tradition. Buddhists believe that human
trust the miverse. consciousness takes up to three hours to leave the M y of
I repeated to Maki that she had done all she needed to the deceased and can experience confusion and
do. We would be OK and she could travel on to a loving disorientation. The vigil was our immediate aftercare
future. Immediately her breathmg changed and there were supporting Mairi to gently and peacefully move out and
long periods between in breaths. 1 said my favourite beyond. We lifted the bed away from the wall into
prayer, slightly adapted, frwn Roshi John Garrie: middle of room. 1 lit a candle and sprinkled sea salt
around the bed as a symbol of purification.I placed a few
Peace be to all beings drops of water on her forehead to bless her thinking, on
may all ki ng
s her eyes to bless her seeing, and on her feet that no wil
be well and happy befall her on her journey. Thirty minutes after midnight
and free from fear the vigil ended and Jeanne and Ruth washed Mairi's body
and I telephoned the undertaker.
Peace ti to a11beings Shortly afterward David called us onto the balcony
near or far outside the b&mn window. It was a remarkably clear,
real or imaginary star-filled night. Tfie clearest night of the year, a holy
visible or invisible night, with Orion outstanding in its beauty. The journey
b m o r yetto beborn had ended and the journey had begun.
may all beings I awoke the next day at 7am on a clear sunny morning
be well and happy and free from fear with a thick layer of frost over the garden. I went for a
walk with our dog, Tom. There was no wind and no
Peace be to all beings sound except that of an occasional bird. A few stars
within and beyond the imagination Iingered in a pale blue sky. The world seemed still as I
in the world of ideas malted the words of Sogyal Rinpoche (1995, Dec. 3 I):
in the world of memories 'To practise death is to practise freedom. She who has
and in the world of .dreams Iearned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave.'
may all kings Travel well, Mairi. May love sustain you and me.
be well and happy and free frotn fear

Peace be in all elements

ofearth and air and fm and water Brazier, D.(1997). The Feeling Buddha. A Guide to the
fulfilled in space, peace Emonha1 and Spin'ruial Cae of the wing. Constable
and Co., London.
Peace k in all universes Sachs, R. (1998). Perfect Endings: A Conscious
from the smallest cells in the body Appmach to Qving and Death. Healing Arts Press,
including cancer cells Rochester, Vermont.
to the greatest galaxies in space Sogyal Rinpche (1995). Glimpse A3er Glimpse: Daily
peace and light rising Reflections on Living and Dying. Random House,
London.
Peace be to all beings Wilber, K. (1991). Grace and Grit: Spirihlality and
within each Wig here Healing in the Life and Death of T v Killam M I k
from those that have been in the past Shambala, Boston.
to those that are yet to be in the future
may all beings within each being here
be well and happy and free from fear.

'Now you can go in pzace,' I said And Mairi died just

at that moment, 9.30pm. And R o b Sachs was right,
Maki's last breath was nn in breath.
There was a quiet and a great peace all around us such
that you could hear the very sound of stillness.
Living with Dying

Ken Evans is director of clinicaI training at the Shemood Psychotherapy

Training institute in NottingImn where he is also the progmme leader
for the MA in Gestalt psychotherapy and programme leader for the Doctor
of Psychdhmpy (Humanistic & Integrative). He is a past president of the
European Association for Psychotherapy and currently the training
standards officer for the United IClngdom Council for Psychotherapy. In
August 2000, he became a co-founder of the M a s Centre - a former
smallholding in rural Derbyshire - which will provide residential
workshops primarily to explore the interface between spirituality and
psychotherapy and with the intention of supporting people to: Live life
hlly, Love generously, and Become all that we can be.

Address for Camspondmce: Thiskney House, 2 St James Terrace ,

Nottingham NG 1 6 FW, UK.
mail: therapy@spti.net