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com
Thank you for your interest in this book. If you’re on our email list, we’ll let you know
when the full version is released. If you were forwarded this chapter and want to be on that
interest list, send an email to info@CoachSeanSmith.com to get notified when it comes out.

While it wasn’t my original intention to ever write about parenting in general or the father /
daughter relationship specifically, it has very clearly become a calling of mine based on the
coaching I’ve done with and for women during my career in personal development.

I hope the introduction and first chapter included below serve you in some way, whether you
are the daughter of a father, the father of a daughter or just interested the conversation for
any reason at all. This is an extremely powerful, beautiful, tender, unique and of course at
times very challenging relationship.

If you have any questions or comments on the material, or we can support you in any way,
please let me know. There is an abbreviated resource section at the end of this excerpt.

Enjoy.

With Love,

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 Daddy, Are You Proud of Me?

Introduction: A Message to Dads, A Message to Daughters

Chapter 1: The 5 Most Precious Words
Chapter 2: Separate Her Person from Her Performance
Chapter 3: Tell Her She’s Beautiful Inside and Out
Chapter 4: Learn How to Braid Her Hair
Chapter 5: Embrace Her Changing Body
Chapter 6: Show Her What Respect Is
Chapter 7: Love Her Mom, No Matter What
Chapter 8: Don’t Always Be a"Father Fix-It”
Chapter 9: Teach Her How to Use Tools
Chapter 10: Open Your Heart to Her
Chapter 11: Let Her See You Cry
Chapter 12: Master Your Emotions
Chapter 13: Clear Your Pain
Chapter 14: The Total Truth Letter
Chapter 15: Discipline with Love
Chapter 16: Celebrate Her Uniqueness
Chapter 17:Value Her Voice
Chapter 18: Special Situations... "Replacement Parents”
Chapter 19:Be Her Biggest Fan
Chapter 20: Don’t be a Disappointed Dad
Chapter 21: Become the Man You Want Her to Marry
Chapter 22: Protect Her Dreams With Everything You Have
Chapter 23: She Will Always Need You

Additional Resources:
Thank You, Dad
Quick Teaching Tips
Dads Doing it Right
Join the R.E.A.L. Men Online Community

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 A Message to Dads

There's nothing like being a dad.

But fathering a daughter ain't easy! It's a very tall & sometimes extremely
difficult task. I honor you for being the kind of man who cares enough to pick
up a book like this and read it. We need more of you in this world protecting and
empowering our girls and women.

My relationships with my son and daughter, both teenagers as I finish this

book, are incredibly important to me. What's so fascinating is how unique each
of those relationships is. My son needs different things from me than my
daughter does. He sees me differently, watching me through a different lens.

Like all little boys, he wanted to be like his dad as I was the default role model
of what a man is and who he can become. I have a lot to share about the father/
son relationship, and parenting in general, but those topics will have to wait for
different books.
This book is for dads with daughters. Just writing those words gives me a
shiver. The father/daughter relationship is a very tender one. But I didn't learn
the true depth of the responsibility we have as dads until I became a life coach
for women!
Ninety-five percent of my clients have been female, something I never
intended and couldn’t understand until recently. Now that I'm older and a bit
wiser, I know that it was a divine appointment for me to learn what I needed to
learn about two things: 1) the fragile relationship between a father and his
daughter, and 2) healing my own relationship with my mom. (That's a deep one,
also the subject of a different book. So deep, in fact, that I wrote and performed
a one-man play about bullying my mother and my ultimate path to self-
forgiveness that you can watch in the online resource section if you’d like.)
As a life coach for women, I have learned so much about the female mind, the
woman's journey in a world dominated by the pursuit of power, and feminine
energy. I’ve attended and hosted over 350 days of live seminars and workshops,
created well over 2,000 hours of audio and video programs, all serving mostly
women. On top of that, I've coached hundreds of women in my 1-on-1 programs
and spoken on numerous stages before mostly female audiences.

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 I've done a lot of work in this arena. This book comes to you after thousands
and thousands of hours studying and serving women in a personal development
context, helping them be more successful in their businesses and more balanced
in their personal lives.
After all of that time, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is the very clear
conclusion that the two main challenges women face, that affect nearly all areas
of their lives, are self-esteem and confidence. But self-esteem (I'll be using self-
worth and self-value interchangeably) is by far the bigger problem.

While we often lump self-esteem and self-confidence together as the same

thing, they are in fact different. Self-esteem is how we perceive our value as a
person; self-confidence is how we perceive our ability as a performer. For nearly
all women, low self-esteem is the main factor that causes their fears, sabotage,
self-destructive behaviors, and lack of happiness or fulfillment in their lives.
Why does all of this matter to you as dads? Because you are the primary
source of her self-esteem.
This is the second biggest and most surprising lesson I’ve learned coaching
women. Their self-esteem is significantly fueled by their relationships with their
fathers. This is true most especially during the formative ages of 6-12, where the
foundation is set that they carry through the rest of their lives.
I learned this because the nature of my work is helping women heal their past,
by going into their conscious or subconscious memories to find the origin of
their self-esteem problems. And 95 percent of the time, we would land squarely
on their "daddy issue.” As it became an undeniable truth in my work, it started to
change the way I understood and therefore fathered my own daughter.

That is precisely why you're reading this book.

What poses a huge problem is that dads don’t know about this connection
between fatherly pride and self-esteem, so we aren’t adequately equipped to
create the positive programming in our daughters that will lead to higher levels
of self-worth and greater sustained success and fulfillment in life. However, the
answer is simple, the process possible, and the effects are profound. I wrote this
book to be the guidepost for men wanting the most for their little girls.
The daddy conversation brings some women to immediate tears, makes others
angry, and causes some to smile big. As fathers we play such important roles in
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their growth, but most of us were never told that. We didn't get the memo, and
these little girls didn't come with manuals.

We’re mostly flying blind here, trying to give what we think our daughters
need, but from a grown man’s, and likely a wounded boy's, perspective. This is
quite literally an impossible task, unless we hear from the women.

Consider this book exactly that.

This is not a crusade to bash or blame men in any way. We are doing the best
we can. I just want to share what all these women have taught me, so more men
can learn what I've learned, and more of our little girls, no matter their age, can
be helped and healed. This is a new calling for me, to educate men about this
beautiful relationship with their daughters, and to bring forth an awareness that
us guys generally don’t have because we were never taught it growing up.
I have the gift of foresight because my coaching experiences with adult
women taught me things I would have never known otherwise, and it changed
the way I parented my daughter McKenna (you'll hear from her in Chapter 10). I
kept hearing myself say, “Someone should write a book teaching dads how to
protect and restore their daughters' self-esteem." So after several years, I decided
to become "Someone.”
If you have a small daughter, or no children yet, think of this as a voice from
the future. Learn from the lessons I have discovered coaching women with
emotional wounds so you can plant the right seeds that will eventually grow into
social independence, emotional strength, and core happiness.
If you have a pre-teen or teenage daughter, you are right in the middle of the
most formative years. I'm sure you're already buckled up, and now you'll have
some new tools and concepts to put into play.

If you have an adult daughter, please don’t feel as though it’s ever too late to
heal a heart, yours and hers. She is and always will be your little girl, wanting
and needing her daddy's love and pride. Your relationship, and her self-esteem,
can always be nurtured, mended, and strengthened.

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A Message to Daughters
If you are a woman reading this book, I see you and I'm proud of you. This
book isn't written directly TO you, but you might find that it's definitely FOR
you, especially if you see yourself in one or more of the 5 most common low
self-esteem patterns for women in chapter 1. And please, please, please write a
total truth letter, found in chapter 14, to your dad.

Let this be a special invitation for you to eavesdrop on a conversation between

me and your dad, as well as all the influential men in your life. Like many
women before, you may find it to be deeply transformational and healing. That
is my wish and intention as you journey through these pages.

On behalf of all men, we don't hurt or neglect with malice or evil intentions, I
promise. Especially the precious little girls we help create. We don't know how
to do better by you. If we did, we would. But we’re trying. Please know we're
trying our best.
My wish for you as a woman, is that these words land gently on your heart,
where they are needed, to serve or heal you in some way. I didn't initially write
this book for women and won't be speaking to you directly in these chapters, but
this message has provided that healing, unexpectedly, for many women who've
read it, regardless of whether their father is still alive or even open to this
conversation. No matter where you are and what your relationship is with your
dad, it can get better. I promise you. Allow this book to open that door of
healing for you.

And, if any of you find yourself getting emotionally triggered as you read,
remember... I'm a life coach! There are numerous resources in the back of this
book to support you with whatever comes up. Please don't try to navigate
difficult emotions alone. We got you.

Info@CoachSeanSmith.com ~ Ph: 805-552-4423 ~ www.CoachSeanSmith.com

 Gentlemen: One final thing before we kick off... I’d suggest getting a picture
of your daughter or daughters, to use as your bookmark while you read.

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The Day I Became A Dad
February 10, 2002.
“Is our baby going to be okay?” That’s the only question I have on my mind
as we wait in the hospital room, looking at the monitors.
Every time my wife has a contraction, the baby’s heart rate falls to a
dangerous level. The doctor says the umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby’s
throat, making a normal delivery extremely risky.
So the decision is made, an easy one, really. C-section. The doctor tells us,
“You’re going to have this baby at 10 p.m.”
After all the uncertainty, it is very surreal to have an exact time scheduled for
the birth of our child. And at this point, we still don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl.
Nor do we care. We just need this baby to live.
The minutes are passing fast and slowly at the same time. I feel a calm
excitement. This is it. The time is here. I’m actually going to be a dad. Let’s do it.
I am 28 years old, and I know that what’s about to happen next is going to
change my life completely. I just don’t know how much, how fast, or how deeply
emotional it’s going to be.
I put on my gown, hair net, and shoe covers as they prep Cybil for the
operating room. She’s as beautiful as I’ve ever seen her. In this moment, I have
so much love and gratitude for my wife. Whatever she’s about to go through in
that room, I’m in.
Next thing I know, we’re inside the operating room, Cybil on the table with a
small curtain over her neck so she can’t watch the operation. Given her history of
passing out at the sight of blood, that’s probably best.
I’m hovering above her head as the anesthesiologist monitors the concoction
of medicines pumping through her body. I’m also peeking over the curtain to my
right so I don’t miss a single detail of the surgery.
I watch the incisions. I see the surgeon create a tiny hole in her stomach, way
too small for a human to pass through. And then he reaches in and squeezes out
this little head, all slippery and slimy and shiny.
That’s my child.
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 I’m watching this baby enter the world mad as hell because of all this new
coldness and bright light. And I still don’t know if this thing is a boy or a girl.
The doctor says he has to reach down and get a better grip under the shoulders
to pull it out. So for this very brief moment in time, a tiny human head is
protruding out of my wife’s belly, a scene straight out of the movie Alien.
And then finally they get the baby all the way out, still attached by the
umbilical cord, and I hear the announcement. “It’s a girl!”

A girl. A little girl. My little girl. Holy crap.

After cutting the cord, they bring her over to the tiny bed under the heat lamp
so she can get some warmth. I don’t have any idea what I’m supposed to do,
what the rules are. Truthfully, I’m in shock and proud of myself for remaining
conscious and still standing upright.
“Can I touch it?”
When they give me permission, I reach out with my pinky and put it in her
tiny right hand. She wraps her delicate fingers around my pinky and holds tight.

I just became a daddy. I’m hers. Forever.

The intense curiosity of this moment is so powerful. All I can do is stare at all
the little parts of this human that I’ve co-created. And for some unknown reason
I keep being drawn to her tummy. Watching the rhythm of her breath is
intoxicating.
Seeing her images on ultrasound was cool, but looking at her in real life is
breathtaking.
They put her in my arms and I start to melt. (I’m crying now as I write, just
thinking about that moment, reliving the preciousness and vulnerability I felt.)
As I look down at her little hand wrapped around my giant pinky, I promise
myself this bond will never be broken. I know in this moment that I will fight
any monster for her. Protect her from any danger. I would die for her in a
second. I will work as hard as I can to make her happy.
Everything in my world has now changed.
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 If you’re already a father, I’m sure you remember your daughter’s birth like it
was yesterday, right? There’s a sacredness in that moment, when two opposing
energies, the masculine and the feminine, the tough and the tender, are linked
forever.
Behold the strength of a man and the softness of this precious little girl he
created. Welcome to fatherhood. Your life will never be the same again.
If you’re anything like me, looking at your little innocent baby girl brings you
to your knees, and you question everything you think you know about yourself.
Will I be strong enough to protect her against all the evils of the world? Will I
be able to provide everything she wants in life?
Am I going to be a good dad?
Am I... enough?
For most fathers I’ve spoken to, seeing their baby daughters for the first time
takes them deep into their souls, bringing up all their doubts and fears about who
they are as a father. As a provider. As a protector. As a man.

I’m so proud of this little girl we’ve created. I want her to always know that. I
can't wait 'til she's old enough to understand it when I tell her.
But the scariest truth, the one that still takes my breath away to this very day,
is that I just hope she's proud of me.

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Chapter 1: The 5 Most Precious Words
"I am PROUD of You"

Unconditional love is often touted as the greatest gift you can give another
person, and while it is a great ideal to strive for, unconditional pride is the best
gift a dad can give his daughter. Why? Because a father's pride is a self-esteem
injection for a girl, straight into her heart. And lack of self-esteem is the greatest
challenge most women will face in their lifetime. It starts being built up or
broken down when she is just a little girl, and her daddy, her first hero, her
protector, is the main influence on how much of it she keeps as she develops into
a woman.
The self-esteem problem basically boils down to a feeling of being “not good
enough” inside, which causes most women to search outside of themselves for
external validation and worthiness. That habitual cycle usually leads to a variety
of emotional coping mechanisms and unhealthy behaviors.
This lack of self-esteem creates one of five problem patterns for women.

Low Self-Esteem Pattern #1: Constant Sacrificing.

Some women don't even dare to have a dream, and therefore struggle to find
joy as they manage their to-do lists and take care of everyone else but
themselves. They've convinced their hearts that it's easier to not have desires than
to have them and not be able to achieve them.

Low Self-Esteem Pattern #2: Constant Sabotaging.

Some women dare to go after their dreams, but constantly sabotage

themselves because, underneath the effort, they don’t believe they deserve to
succeed. They rarely take committed action toward their goals because their
fears are too overwhelming.

Low Self-Esteem Pattern #3: Constant Settling.

Some women achieve many of their goals, only to see them slip away because
they don't feel worthy of sustaining the success. They tend to focus their energy
on the less fulfilling goals because letting those slip away doesn't hurt nearly as
bad as the more important ones.

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 Low Self-Esteem Pattern #4: Constant Smothering.

Other women have the ability to achieve all their goals and dreams, but
choose to dim their own lights or hide their accomplishments because they
believe their success and happiness will make friends, family members or other
women feel bad. They live in a state of mild to moderate self induced depression
that's not caused by sadness, but rather suppressing their abilities, emotions and
celebration of self.

Low Self-Esteem Pattern #5: Constant Suffering.

Many women actually become addicted to the pursuit of perfection,

accomplishing all or most of their education, athletic, career and personal goals,
maintaining a high level of tangible success and flawless appearance. But they
don't ever feel true satisfaction, peace or joy because their accomplishments
never fill the emotional void, no matter how much they achieve or how perfect
they appear. This becomes frustrating, infuriating or hopeless because they can't
understand why they're winning in their minds, but unhappy in their hearts.

All of these patterns are different manifestations of the same root problem,
low self esteem, stemming from the same root relationship... their father. You.
Me. Us.

It's nearly impossible, even with the best of intentions and circumstances, for
the the feminine to be raised and influenced by the masculine, either in close
proximity or complete absence, without at some point feeling confused,
neglected or scarred.

This is not an attack on you or any other dads because I know it's never
intentional and usually it's not conscious. But the issue is real and deserves our
awareness and attention so we can heal hearts, both ours and theirs, strengthen
relationships and foster a deeper foundation of love and connection.
The five unhealthy extremes outlined above, as well as every variation and
combination in between, are a result of self-worth struggles that the majority of
women face. I saw it over and over and over again, enough for me to see this
connection so clearly that I started to immediately focus on self-esteem below
the surface instead of how to succeed above the surface with my coaching
clients. I learned that for women, success without esteem is emptiness. But the

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great news is that we as fathers can help prevent that. With a few simple words
and genuine actions that all start with awareness and improve with practice.
While we men are not usually programmed to speak openly about our
emotions, including telling our kids how proud we are of them outside of their
performance, we can all certainly learn how to accept this responsibility, for our
daughters' sake. It may seem easier and come more naturally to say, “I love you,”
but there is something magical about the word “proud” for young girls. It tells
your daughter that you don’t just love her as your child, you like her as a person.
Your daughter knowing you like her is so significant because, without that
feeling, an emotional hole is created in her heart. When little girls don’t believe
their daddy is proud of them, they will usually seek that missing approval from
other men in some form or another, trying to fill this hole. That’s a potentially
dangerous road for her to follow as she enters her future relationships—romantic,
professional, and personal.
As her dad, you’re the best person to fill her heart with love and devotion,
with the pride and esteem she needs, until she can nurture her own later in life
and ultimately understand that she does not need to source them from someone
else, including you. If she doesn’t get your pride, but seeks it from other sources,
she is more likely to be rebellious, become defiant, use drugs, drink alcohol,
develop an eating disorder, become an unhealthy overachiever, be promiscuous,
experience depression, or create some other type of negative coping mechanism
to deal with the void.
But it's critical to understand that the void isn't always a results of explicit
neglect or pain, it can just as easily manifest from a lack of expressed pride and
appreciation. In other words, you can be a physically and emotionally present,
non-abusive, active, loving, protective provider with a good relationship with
your daughter, happily married to her mother, and still unintentionally create a
void due to an innocent lack of awareness.
Sometimes all it takes is a single moment: Rolling your eyes, shaking your
head, raising your voice, not following through on a promise to be at her recital,
asking her why she got a B+ in that one class, taking the puzzle piece from her
hand and putting it where it goes instead of letting her figure it out on her own.
I've seen all of these and many more similar moments cause self-esteem
problems that can last a lifetime.

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 And all of this generally happens without conscious awareness on her part
either. Women rarely understand intellectually what they’re actually seeking
emotionally, especially when it's deep below the surface and connected to their
dad. So it's extremely difficult and frustrating for them to ever deal with the root
issue, unless they get professional help from someone competent in this
particular arena.

If your daughter ever seems to resist when you tell her you are proud of her,
that’s okay. Say it anyway. Be relentless with it. Never let up. No matter how she
reacts, she needs to hear it. In fact, the more she resists it externally, the more she
seeks it internally.
Whisper in her ear how proud you are of her as she sleeps, her unconscious
mind will receive it without any resistance at all, because our unconscious minds
never shut off. It’s a great way to get that pride deep inside her subconscious
belief system.
Share with other people, especially when she can hear you, how proud you are
of your little girl. Sometimes hearing you tell other people about your pride is
more validating than hearing it directly for herself. She might think you have to
tell her you love her and you’re proud of her as her dad, but she knows you don’t
have to tell anyone else. So when you do, it’s something she will pay attention to,
I promise.

And tell her often how much you appreciate her making you such a lucky dad.

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 Resources

To get in touch with us for any reason, please visit www.CoachSeanSmith.com.

We offer free coaching and clarity sessions if you want support in parenting,
relationships, weight loss or any area of self development.

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