Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal
Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal
MATH + SCIENCE
INITIATIVE English
P A G E S
language, details, and imagery, but also at analyzing
how those elements create meaning and contribute to
style.
OBJECTIVES
In this lesson, students will analyze patterns of
Students will
T E A C H E R
diction, detail, figures of speech, and imagery to
● analyze an excerpt from a novel to determine discover how an author creates mood. By using such
how the author establishes mood through strategies as graphic organizers, frame statements,
literary devices. and guided questions, students will gain the skills
● identify patterns in literature that affect necessary to discover patterns in texts and to link
meaning. those patterns to more abstract ideas concerning
● develop assertions about an author’s choice of tone, purpose, or theme. Students will also develop
literary devices. commentary to support the assertions they make
● write and expand commentary that supports about the author’s use of literary devices.
assertions.
TEXT COMPLEXITY
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Passages for LTF English lessons are selected to
The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray, copyright © by challenge students, while lessons and activities make
Patricia Bray. Used by permission of Bantam Books, texts accessible. Guided practice with challenging
a division of Random House, Inc. texts allows students to gain the proficiency
Digital Image. Daniel P.B. Smith, via Wikimedia necessary to read independently at or above grade
Commons. 30 September 2013. Public Domain. level. The readability measure of this passage from
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Boston_Light.jpg.
Patricia Bray’s The First Betrayal places it at the top
of the 6-8 grade level Common Core text complexity
reading band.
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English—Reading for Analysis and Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray
Copyright © 2014 National Math + Science Initiative, Dallas, Texas. All rights reserved. Visit us online at www.nms.org.
English—Reading for Analysis and Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray
P A G E S
expressing their own clearly.
SL.8.6: Adapt speech to a variety of contexts and ASSESSMENTS
tasks, demonstrating command of formal The following kinds of formative assessments are
English when indicated or appropriate. embedded in this lesson:
(See grade 8 Language standards 1 and 3
T E A C H E R
● guided questions
for specific expectations).
● graphic organizers
L.8.2: Demonstrate command of the
● frame statements
conventions of standard English
● writing assignment
capitalization, punctuation, and spelling
when writing. The following additional assessment is located on
L.8.3: Use knowledge of language and its the NMSI website:
conventions when writing, speaking, ● 2011 8th Grade Free Response (Style
reading, or listening. Analysis) with Scoring Guidelines and
Rangefinders
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English—Reading for Analysis and Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray
T
TEACHING SUGGESTIONS
he activities in this lesson should be used organizer for light and dark imagery, facilitate a
as a whole group guided practice or small class discussion over Questions A, B, and C. If this
group guided practice and not assigned as lesson is being used as an introduction to writing
independent practice until students are familiar with commentary, model the process of completing the
the process of literary analysis. first frame statement. An example is provided for
you in the suggested answers. Explain that using
Activity One: Before writing a literary analysis
the words, “This shows that . . .” will help students
essay, students must clearly understand the specific
develop commentary. When writing the analytical
directives of the prompt. One helpful mnemonic
response in Activity Six, students will use the
device for analyzing an AP style prompt is the
Marker Verb student resource to vary the wording in
acronym BAC (background, abstract, concrete).
their paragraphs.
Most AP-style prompts contain some type of
background information: a reference to the genre, the Activity Five: Because line numbers are provided,
author, or historical period of the work. In addition, most students will be able to complete this activity
an AP style analysis prompt will direct students to independently. You might use this short activity as a
“analyze how the author uses literary devices” or formative assessment.
concrete elements to create abstract meaning such as
P A G E S
ask a few volunteers to share their annotations Six. In both examples the student offers commentary
under a document camera to facilitate a whole that explains how the use of diction creates suspense.
class discussion. Stress to students that annotation
means “adding notes” and not merely underlining or Example of Adequate Student
highlighting text. Commentary (from a 4 essay)
Activity Three: This activity encourages students “When I hear the word groped I think of
to identify patterns of diction by grouping similar somebody that lost their glasses and is on
words together. Teachers may wish to create a set of their hands and knees trying to find their
diction cards and let students work in small groups to glasses. The author probably used this word
arrange the cards into patterns of at least three words. to tell how dark it is. It shows he can’t even
If you have an interactive white board, you may wish see right in front of his face.”
to create a document containing the words so that
students can use this technology to group the words Example of Insightful Student
into patterns. Once the words have been grouped, Commentary (from a 6 essay)
direct students to the list of descriptive words for “‘Unease’ and ‘terror’ are so different but are
diction in the gray box or help them brainstorm other used in the same passage. Unease relates to
appropriate words to describe the author’s diction. more of a controlled, somber fear, whereas
Allow students to complete the frame statements in terror is uncontrollable, unbridled, pure fear
Part B in groups or individually with guided practice where almost nothing is rational anymore.
and then share their responses under the document Josan begins with a small amount of unease,
camera.
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English—Reading for Analysis and Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray
P A G E S
Activity Six when writing the essay.
T E A C H E R
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NATIONAL
MATH + SCIENCE
INITIATIVE English
6: These papers demonstrate clear and consistent competence although they may have occasional errors. Such papers
• Offer an insightful analysis of the mood of the passage
• Provide persuasive analysis of how the literary techniques reveal mood
• Supply specific, detailed supporting textual evidence and are well-organized
• Are distinguished by varied sentence structure, effective word choice, and a sense of voice
• Demonstrate consistent and effective control of standard written English grammar and mechanics although they may not be
completely without errors
5: These papers demonstrate reasonably consistent competence although they will have occasional errors or lapses in
quality. Such papers
• Offer a reasonable analysis of the mood of the passage
• Provide an effective analysis of how literary techniques reveal mood
• Use appropriate supporting textual evidence and are generally well-organized
• Contain some examples of varied sentence structure and effective word choice
• Demonstrate effective control of standard written English grammar and mechanics although they will not be completely
without errors
4: These papers demonstrate adequate competence with occasional errors or lapses in quality. Such papers
• Offer an adequate analysis of the mood of the passage
• Provide a satisfactory analysis of how literary techniques reveal mood
• Present some supporting textual evidence and show organization
• Contain limited variety in sentence structure and adequate word choice
• Demonstrate adequate control of standard written English grammar and mechanics although they may have several errors
3: These papers demonstrate developing competence. Such papers may contain one or more of the following weaknesses:
• Inadequate understanding of mood
• Superficial or thin analysis of how literary techniques reveal mood
• Minimal or inadequate supporting textual evidence and/or weak organization
• Almost no examples of varied sentence structure and/or effective word choice
• Recurrent errors in grammar, mechanics, and/or usage
2: These papers demonstrate some competence. Such papers are flawed by one or more of the following weaknesses:
• Little reference to or serious misunderstanding of mood
• Little or no analysis of how literary techniques reveal mood, a misreading of the text, or inadequate development
• Disjointed or inappropriate supporting textual evidence, vague generalizations and/or poor organization
• No variety in sentence structure and/or simplistic or inappropriate word choice
• Recurrent errors in grammar, mechanics, and/or usage
1: These papers demonstrate incompetence. Such papers are seriously flawed by one or more of the following weaknesses:
• Only a passing reference to the writing task
• Unacceptable brevity, a complete misreading of the text, or padded but vacuous statements
• No attempt to supply supporting detail or no organization
• Poor sentence structure or incorrect word choice
• Serious errors in grammar, mechanics, and/or usage that interfere with the reader’s understanding
0: These papers may contain a few words without commentary, or may just copy the assignment or text.
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NATIONAL
MATH + SCIENCE
INITIATIVE English
Through close reading a reader can analyze how an author uses literary devices to create meaning. To
become an effective writer of literary analysis, you must practice analysis skills frequently as you read
closely.
Analysis means breaking down a whole into its parts to determine how they create an overall meaning.
In a style analysis essay, you are breaking down the concrete devices in the passage to see how they
work together to create an abstract idea. By paying close attention to an author’s use of concrete
devices, you will be able to discuss how these elements contribute to an overall abstract idea in a
passage.
Concrete devices: Precise words, words that are loaded with emotion, details, figurative language,
unusual syntax, and patterns created by imagery—all of these can be identified in the text and extracted
for analysis.
Abstract ideas: Tone, mood, purpose, characterization, or theme—all of these must be inferred through
analysis of the concrete textual features.
When you read a literary analysis prompt for the first time, begin by identifying the background
information given and the abstract ideas and concrete devices you need to address in your essay. Literary
analysis prompts ask you to use concrete literary devices to analyze an abstract idea or concept. Read the
prompt in the box below.
The First Betrayal, the first book of a series trilogy, is the beginning of the journey of Josan, an exile,
an orphan, and keeper of the lighthouse. In this excerpt from Patricia Bray’s 2006 novel, the narrator
describes the main character, who is frightened during a violent storm.
Using relevant quotations and insightful commentary, write an essay in which you explain how the
author uses patterns of diction, detail, and imagery to create a mood of suspense.
Place [brackets] around the background information. Underline the concrete elements in the prompt and
draw a box around the abstract idea or concept. Then write the components below:
Background information:
Abstract elements:
Concrete elements:
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English—Reading for Analysis and Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray
The lantern flickered as a gust of wind chest, pulling his coarse woolen cloak
blew through the lighthouse tower. Then more tightly around him. The wind
the flame died, plunging Josan into 40 outside intensified, howling until he could
darkness. His right hand searched the scarcely hear himself think. From far
5 floor beside him till he found the sparker, beneath him he heard a crash. Startled,
then he groped for the base of the lantern he began to stand, then common sense
with his left. Using the edge of his cloak reasserted itself and he resumed his seat.
to protect his hand from the heated 45 There was nothing he could do until the
glass, he removed the chimney. His hand storm passed. Instead he listened intently,
10 trembled so much that it took three tries and underneath the sound of the wind
before he was able to relight the wick. and rain he heard the relentless crashing
Finally, it caught, and with a sigh of relief of the waves. It sounded as if they were
he carefully replaced the glass. The soft 50 breaking all around him, and he knew the
light illuminated the small platform for a lighthouse was being swallowed by the
15 few brief moments before succumbing1 angry ocean.
to another draft. This time, Josan did not He wondered if the ocean would
bother to relight it. eventually release its prize, or if the stone
He told himself that he did not need to 55 tower would crumble beneath the fury of
see, but could not repress the shiver of the storm. He tried to view his situation
20 unease as the darkness engulfed2 him. dispassionately, the question of his
Before tonight this had always been a survival as a mere intellectual exercise,
place of light, the large windows letting but none of the tricks he had learned in his
in the daylight, and at dusk the three great 60 years of study could dispel3 his fear. He
lamps would be lit, powerful beacons could almost taste the terror as it rose up
25 that filled the platform with their radiance and threatened to overwhelm him, just as
as they guided ships far out at sea. But the sea threatened to overtake the tower.
tonight the signal lamps were dark, for not
even the most sheltered flame was proof 1
succumbing: surrendering, giving in
against the howling wind. Now darkness
2
engulf: surround, swallow up
3
dispel: chase away, dismiss
30 had consumed the light, just as the sea
outside threatened to devour the tower.
In the dark, every sound was magnified
as the rain lashed against the wooden
shutters, and the merciless wind sought
35 the cracks in his defenses. Strange drafts
swirled inside the tower and he drew his
knees to his
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English—Reading for Analysis and Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray
Diction is an author’s choice of words for an intended effect. When analyzing diction, students should
isolate one connotative word and explain how that particular word helps the author create meaning in the
text.
The following list of words can be used to help describe an author’s word choice: concise, precise,
clinical, sarcastic, poetic, plain, simple, emotional, forceful, natural, formal, literal, figurative,
conversational, humorous, extravagant, sentimental, inoffensive, harsh, menacing, vague, coarse,
obscure, distorted.
As you analyze the author’s word choice, look for patterns or similarities between words. By making
associations between words that a writer uses, you will be able to determine the tone or mood the writer
wants to convey to the reader.
A. The words listed below are used by Patricia Bray to create a mood of suspense. Put a check mark beside
each word that you circled as connotative diction as you read the passage, select at least three words
that are similar in meaning or have something in common and group them together in one of the circles
below. Using the remaining words, create another group of similar words for the second circle.
The words in this circle create The words in this circle create
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English—Reading for Analysis and Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray
B. Look at the associations you have made between the words in your circles. What type of pattern do you
see in the author’s choice of words? (Hint: You might refer to the words that describe diction in the box
above for help.) Discussing these words in the same paragraph will make your essay more coherent and
more clearly organized.
. The words ,
Imagery consists of the words or phrases appealing to the senses—the descriptive diction—that a writer
uses to represent persons, objects, actions, feelings, and ideas. Imagery helps establish the mood and
tone of a passage.
Details consist of words or phrases that are less appealing to the senses—facts or information—than
imagery. Details can also help reveal the tone or attitude of the author.
The line between imagery and detail is not always distinct. It is more important to understand how these
elements contribute to the overall tone or theme than to correctly label a phrase as detail or imagery.
When analyzing details, imagery, and figurative language, you should look for both patterns and contrasts.
Complete the chart below with phrases from the lines in parentheses that indicate light and dark. The first
one is done for you as an example.
Light Darkness
(lines 1-2) “The lantern flickered as a gust of wind (lines 2-3) “Then the flame died, plunging Josan into
blew through the lighthouse tower.” darkness.”
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English—Reading for Analysis and Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray
C. Based on your associations, what is the effect of having the images of light and darkness appear in the
same passage? (How do the light and the darkness affect Josan’s actions in the passage?)
The author creates a pattern of light imagery with the details and
The author contrasts the darkness with the use of light imagery, such as
D. By describing both images of light and images of darkness, Bray creates a pattern of contrast. How do
the two contrasting images contribute to the mood of the passage?
Figurative language is not meant to be taken literally. It usually involves an imaginative comparison
between seemingly unlike things and produces fresh, vivid images for the reader. A writer’s use of
figurative language helps establish a particular tone or mood by contributing to the overall effect of the
passage.
A. Fill in the blanks below to indicate the figurative action each subject is performing.
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English—Reading for Analysis and Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray
How does the figurative language used to describe the wind and the water create a feeling of suspense?
.
Understanding Commentary
Commentary consists of remarks that explain or offer an interpretation of how the textual evidence
helps to prove the essay writer’s assertion about the literary work. Commentary should provide the
reader with proof that the writer of the essay understands the abstract concept the author of the literary
work is creating through the use of concrete devices.
Often an essay prompt will require you to “explain how the author uses diction and imagery” or “explain
how the literary devices contribute to the overall meaning.” To write an effective essay you must therefore
explain how a particular word (diction) the author uses or how a particular image the author creates connects
to the abstract idea or concept.
To help you understand what effective commentary is, look at some examples of what is not commentary.
All of the examples in the boxes below are from actual student essays, and the errors are authentic to the
student writing.
Offering suggestions is not commentary.
Your job as a writer is not to offer suggestions for improving the text or to supply a list of words the author
might have used in place of another word. This type of writing is called a literary critique rather than a
literary analysis of a work.
“The author uses the word succumbing other [rather] than synonyms like surrendering or giving in to
create a suspenseful interest.”
“Diction, or the way the author uses word choice, is prevalent in this passage and seen throughout in
many forms and fashions. Without diction, this story, as well as any other story worth telling, would be
bland and dull. Diction adds details that describe a number of things.”
“The wind outside intensified, howling until he could scarcely hear himself think.” The text above is
refferring to the wind as “howling” which is personification which creates suspense because it reffers to
the wind as howling. Suspense is created through mainly the words intensified howling.”
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English—Reading for Analysis and Writing Commentary in The First Betrayal by Patricia Bray
In , uses
(title of work) (author’s name)
to
(the concrete—diction, imagery, detail, figurative language, etc.) (marker verb—reveal, portray, convey)
.
(the abstract—tone, theme, purpose—your opinion about the subject that you will prove in your essay)
Use the close reading and analysis questions from Activities Three (Diction), Four (Details and Imagery),
and Five (Figurative Language) to help you write a literary analysis essay according to your teacher’s direc-
tions. Make sure that each body paragraph has a topic sentence that supports the thesis sentence you have
written above.
You may wish to use some of the language in the box below to help you craft your commentary.
further establishes a mood of suspense the contrasting images of
emphasizes the feeling of apprehension creates a more intense mood of
the mood is heightened by the additional use of the figurative language suggests
images of light portray images of darkness suggest
the element of danger increases when contributes to the suspenseful mood
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