If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

3 jewish games by
LUCIAN KAHN

Print’N Play
Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

 CREDITS
writing & game design Lucian Kahn

illustrator Ezra Rose

foreword James Mendez Hodes

sensitivity review James Mendez Hodes

TK Johnson

graphic design Madison Pflance

collected edition project manager Ricardo Evangelho

published by Hit Point Press inc.

ifiwerealichman.com | hitpointpress.com
If I Were a Lich, Man is copyright © 2023 Hit Point Press Inc., their respective logos, illustrations,
and characters distinct likenesses are property of Hit Point Press Inc. in Canada / US and other
countries. Original text is copyright © 2023 Lucian Kahn. Used with permission. All rights
reserved. No portion of this product may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by
any means without written permissions from the copyright holders. 1175 Brookfield Rd. East
Ottawa, ON K1V 0C3, Canada. First printing, August 2023. Printed in China.
IF I WERE A LICH, MAN
Lich Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

 HALB (Hay) GANTZ (Gimel)
“�e Simple Lich” “�e Good Lich”
Opinion on Phylacteries: Opinion on Phylacteries:
Why don’t we just drink the We should not be using these
phylacteries to get our souls back? crude soul-prisons, but the true
phylacteries of our ancestors, the
Opinion on the Paladin �reat: prayer boxes containing holy texts
Let’s try to find some other monsters that we once wrapped around our
to ask for help. �e paladins hate arms and foreheads. When we return
them too! to the traditions of old, our God will
look favorably upon us and protect us
from the paladins.

Opinion on the Paladin �reat:

We must raise an army of Liches to
destroy the paladin cities. Until every

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

paladin is vanquished, no Lich can
rest in peace!

SHTEL (Shin) NISHT (Nun)

“�e Wicked Lich” “�e Lich Who Doesn’t Know
How To Ask a Question”
Opinion on Phylacteries:
An object cannot contain a soul, so Opinion on Phylacteries:
phylacteries are mere superstition. Get your bony hands o�f my phylactery!
We should simply pour them out I don’t want to lose my soul!
and rid ourselves of pointless
magical thinking. Opinion on the Paladin �reat:
Paladins are scary! Sometimes
Opinion on the Paladin �reat: they even…die!
�e paladins wouldn’t keep trying
to kill us if we didn’t keep skulking Special Trait:
IF I WERE A LICH, MAN

around gravestones muttering about Nisht can’t ask questions.

mystic knowledge. We should try to Doesn’t know how.
become more like the paladins so
they won’t fear us anymore. Let’s
o�fer them control of the Northern
Boneyard as a peace o�fering and
prove our worth to them as minions.
Lich Cards
SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Character Cards

TATIANA RUTHIE

BRITNEY LEE

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Character Cards

BRITNEY LEE
A popular girl Her ex-boyfriend

Use this personality or invent your own: Use this personality or invent your own:
• Snobby and petty • A metalhead with hardcore DJ requests
• Loves to gossip about all the other guests • Wants to get back together with Ruthie

TATIANA RUTHIE
�e Bat Mitzvah girl
Her ex-girlfriend
Use this personality or invent your own:
Use this personality or invent your own:
• A nerdy Hebrew School teacher’s pet
• An orchestra nerd with classical DJ requests
• A drama queen in her moment to shine
• Wants to get back together with Ruthie
• A rebellious atheist

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Character Cards

PEARL AGNES

MORTIMER RIVER

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Character Cards

MORTIMER RIVER
Her grandpa (mother’s father) Her crush

Use this personality or invent your own: Use this personality or invent your own:
• Makes corny puns • Would rather be surfing
• Tries to do magic tricks (badly) • Aloof; too cool for this Bat Mitzvah

PEARL AGNES
Her grandma (mother’s mother) An unpopular girl

Use this personality or invent your own: Use this personality or invent your own:

• Meddles in everyone’s personal lives • Awkward but outgoing

• Worried for everyone’s health • Obsessed with the supernatural

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Character Cards

CHAD CAROL

BRUCE DAVID

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Character Cards

BRUCE DAVID
Dad’s new husband Dad

Use this personality or invent your own: Use this personality or invent your own:

• A chef; gushing about and/or • Interior decorator obsessed with

critiquing the hors d’oeuvres the venue’s décor
• Resentful of Carol • Resentful of Chad and having a mid-life crisis

CHAD CAROL
Mom’s new husband Mom

Use this personality or invent your own: Use this personality or invent your own:
• A handsome finance bro • Overwhelmingly proud of Ruthie
• Has never been to a Bat Mitzvah and can’t stop crying
and has no idea what’s going on • Resentful of Bruce and having a mid-life crisis

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Character Cards

SEYMORE

ETHEL

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Character Cards

ETHEL
�e rabbi

Use this personality or invent your own:

• Tries to sign everybody up

for Jewish activity groups
• Complains about a million minor ailments

SEYMOUR
�e rabbi

Use this personality or invent your own:

• Tries to sign everybody up

for Jewish activity groups
• Complains about a million minor ailments

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Bat Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Bat Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Bat Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Bat Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Bat Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Bat Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Bat Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT MITZVAH
Bat Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

GRANDMA’S DRINKING SONG
Scene Cards

Harriet forces Moysh to join her in

Scene: pushing two baby carriages around
Scene: the neighborhood on their walk.
Moysh asks Bertha if he can Baby Rum
Charity borrow money under the pretext Every few apartments, Harriet stops,
Location: pulls a brown paper bag out from
Location: of some dire trouble. Then he tells
The neighborhood the bottom of a baby carriage, and
The apartment Yetta he’s planning to give it all
to the Communist Party. Yetta Present: runs upstairs with it. Moysh doesn’t
Present: understand that the baby carriage
threatens to tell Bertha. Harriet, Moysh,
Moysh, Bertha, Yetta is a cover for booze delivery. While
A Neighborhood Boy
Harriet is upstairs, a neighborhood
boy teases him for acting girly.

Yetta wants to take a “legitimate”

job at the textile factory to help get Moysh tries to convince Bertha that
Scene: Scene:
the family out of poverty. The job is she needs to learn English. Bertha
God’s Rules 6 days a week, including Shabbos, the Grandmother Tongue accuses Moysh of betraying his
Location: Jewish day of rest. Bertha forbids Location: Jewish roots and beginning to forget
The apartment her from working on Saturday for The apartment Yiddish by attending American
Present: religious reasons. Harriet thinks Present: school. Harriet tries to reassure
Yetta is half-right, and that the family everyone that if Bertha doesn’t learn
Bertha, Harriet, Yetta Bertha, Moysh, Harriet
should start peddling booze on Shabbos English, she can take care of the
at secret Friday night bars. family without Bertha’s help.

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

GRANDMA’S DRINKING SONG
Scene Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

GRANDMA’S DRINKING SONG
Scene Cards

Scene:
The Invitation Moysh has accompanied Bertha Scene:
Yetta tattles to Bertha that Harriet
Location: to the beauty parlor and is reading Secretly Married has eloped with a man she met
The beauty parlor a book. Bertha’s hairdresser invites Location: at a YMCA dance. Harriet insists
her to a drag ball. She thinks it
Present: The apartment that because a rabbi performed the
would be improper to attend
Bertha, Moysh, Present: ceremony, she has not eloped, but
without a male escort, so she tries
merely gotten secretly married.
A Drag Queen to convince Moysh to come along. Bertha, Harriet, Yetta
Hairdresser

A cop approaches the apartment

to arrest Bertha. Bertha pretends
There is only one bathroom in the
she is sick in bed and sends Harriet
Scene: apartment building, all the way Scene:
to the door in a cute dress. Harriet
From the Sky down on the ground floor. Moysh Kosher Wine asks the cop why her darling
Location: becomes impatient and urinates Location: grandma is in trouble for making
out the window. It lands on a cop!
The apartment The apartment kosher wine. The cop retorts that
The cop recognizes Moysh from the
Present: Present: there’s no barley in wine. Harriet
family’s numerous arrests, enters
bats her eyelashes and swears it is
Moysh, Bertha, A Cop the building, and knocks on the Bertha, Harriet, A Cop
part of her grandma’s special wine
door. Bertha answers it.
recipe, which she needs for religious
purposes as the wife of a cantor.

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

GRANDMA’S DRINKING SONG
Scene Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

GRANDMA’S DRINKING SONG
Scene Cards

Scene: Harriet tricks Yetta into attending a

A Communist Meeting communist meeting in a neighbor’s
Location: livingroom. The communist lectures
A neighbor’s apartment them about workers’ solidarity.
Yetta’s attitude: “I don’t want to
Present: be a communist! I want to be a
Harriet, Yetta, capitalist!” Harriet’s attitude: “If you
A Young Communist want to be a capitalist, first you have
Neighbor to be a communist!”

Scene: Moysh and Yetta are carrying

Imported boxes of liquor to Central Park and
Location: lowering them into the pond with
The pond in a rope. This smudges the labels and
makes the boxes look like they’ve
Central Park come over on a boat from overseas.
Present: Imported! So they can charge more!
Moysh, Yetta, A customer arrives and sees
A Customer through the scam.

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

GRANDMA’S DRINKING SONG
Scene Cards

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

X CARDS

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023

X CARDS

If I Were a Lich, Man is Copyright © Hit Point Press 2023