(CHARACTERS 1 actor plays MEL Kacy HELOISE LAURA EVE 1 actor plays pIUNA STEPHEN ABELARD TIM ADAM FIVE TIMES IN ONE NIGHT The year 2101, There has been an apocalypse DDJUNA. Sol was thinking maybe we could havea bit ofa check-in, MEL. A chedein DIUNA. Yeah Jut lke. You know, Nineteen months out. How are things going. How are we coping. MEL. Like, DDJUNA. Justin general. [mean this isa new experience for us. jst ‘thought it would be maybe nice to, Check in with eachother MEL. Okay, DJUNA. So how are you MEL. Fine DJUNA. Really? MEL. No, DJUNA. Okay, Ijust mean like, relatively, MEL. Okay DJUNA. Imean don't wantto put words in your mouth but itscems ‘ome like, relatively speaking, you are doing. MEL. Relative to what? DJUNA. Relative to si months go, let’ say. MEL. Okay DJUNA. thinkits safe to say that relative to how we were doing si months ago, we are both dein beter,MBL. Sure DIUNA. Relative to twelve months ago, woe certainly doing better MEL, Yeah. You leg. DIUNA. Good as new! MEL. Wal DIUNA. I mean, almost, MEL, An improvement DJUNA, Like, night and day. MEL. Wall, goo DJUNA. Sol mean. Isems ike, Things, Ate—elatively speaking going about a wel as we could ave hoped fo MEL. Sure. Was thatthe check-in? DJUNA. Well—Imeanis ther somethingelse you wantedto being up? MEL. Me? DJUNA. Yea like anything. [just want you to think fthisas an op- portunity to ring up any issues or questions that youve maybe been— (MEL. Iwes thinking, maybe we should ake up night watches again. DJUNA. Otay. I mean, wedi that forlikea yearand nothing ever— MEL. Tknow. DJUNA ‘Cause there's Iterally nothing else out there MEL. Yeah, know. DIUNA, We te literally the last man and woman on Barth, MBL, Cknow. just think. | slept beter when we were doing night watches. DJUNA. Yes malam, MEL. Can you. Please nt call me main DJUNA. Horgot (MBL. [really hte that when you~ DIUNA. Tforgot! MEL. Olay. DJUNA. So, theres something I've been meaning to, Bring up again swith you MEL. Okay. DJUNA. That wasnt ike. The BEST of lead-up, but. Okay we had discus, onc the posity of poss. The sity of US possibly. MEL. Oh, DDJUNA. So just wanted to check in, Re: that MEL. Right Log beat DJUNA. Thoughts? MEL. Okey. Uhm DJUNA. And obviously this asa space so lik, Fee fre to MEL. Yeah, no,1 do. Is not 1 would say. High? On thelist of my priorities right ow? DIUNA, Sure sure MEL. Mostly concentrated on survival. DJUNA, Ofcourse MEL. Tim still mourning ike, Humanity, DJUNA. Yeah, and, just so you know, 1 wouldst want you to think that in wot concentrating on survival and mourning humanity MEL. Oh, ofcourse! No, nove that. DJUNA. Okay. MEL. Andie, jus so you know ike, I mean thisis something that ‘always sid that Td do, DIUNA. Right, me too MEL, Like, “IT were the lst woman on Earth, I would —" DIUNA, *...have sex and repopulate the Earth” [MEL Right, which lke realistically? mean now that fm actually ‘nthe situation dont quite understand how. Tat. I mean weld have tohave— DJUNA. Two, MEL. Tiokids, atleast, and that—well dont knows I just as ofight ‘ow dont fully understand — DJUNA. RightMEL. How that would work. And, las... Safe space? DIUNA, Safe space MEL. Okay do not fel..sexully attracted to you. this time DJUNA. Sure MEL, Or anyone! DIUNA. Well MEL. {dont DIUNA. Okay. lrepardless MEL. (“rregardles) Mmm DJUNA. Okay, cool I otlly respect that, MEL. Thatall having been sai. I would be willing to. Try. For the ke of DJUNA. Humanity MEL. Right DJUNA. IF you are comfortable with that? Then I think that the right. Choice. MEL. Okay DJUNA. Okay. Well. im gad I checked int ‘Mel makes litle moan of isk. Hm? (MEL. Nothing DJUNA. Okay. So should I come ack ater tonight? Or MEL. Ob. guess? DJUNA. Make it litle more romantic. (MEL, I dont think. Ahh it doesit have to be romantic, does itt DJUNA. Uh. No, it doesnt have tobe (MEL, We could jos ike DJUNA. Does that seem sort of Serle? MEL, Ifyou let right now and came back at night it would fee weird tome? Like a weird date. A weird sex date DJUNA. Okay. (MEL. So think I would just rather DIUNA. Olay, sure MEL. Should we talk about boundaries? DJUNA. Yeah. Okay. Well, don worry about oral MEL. What?? DJUNA. Itsjustnot really the be-all end-all far me so you dont have to feel pressure to— MEL. Ob I DON'T feel pressure to— DJUNA. Okay Tm just putting it ll— MEL. How i that even onthe table? DJUNA. How isit NOT on the table? MEL. Were just having SEX. DJUNA. Oral isa type of sex MEL. Olay. DIUNA. You don't consider oral ex tobe sex? MEL. [think we'e geting little of tack — DDJUNA. [think thats being dismissive ofall the couples who made love to eachother without having vaginal penetraivesex— [MEL What does that have to do with anything? DJUNA. I'm just saying, if you think sex only refers to vaginal penetratve sex— “MBL. Can you maybe not say “vaginal pentrativ sex"??? DJONA. What’ wrong with saying vaginal penetrative— MEL. Nope. cant do this. DIUNA. What? MEL, I cat ave sex with you. The thought of having sex with you is Like, dunno, whatis the opposite of turned on? Like what would that be, to express how completly not in the mood Lam— DJUNA, Turned off? MEL. Yeah. Yeah, okay, yeah. Lam just. Intensely turned of right ‘ow; Im sorry, I dont honestly know how thsi going to work DIUNA. Okay. Isthere anything Ian do to turn you onMEL. EW. DJUNA. Uhm. MEL, T'm sorry Fm sory. sh DJUNA. That was ike, MBL. Uknov. DJUNA. Pretty unnecessary MEL. [know [elly am sory. DJUNA. Tike, 'm just trying to MEL. 1 know; but you know lke. When you'te so totally sexually ‘unattracted to someone that any hint of their sexual intrest in| yous ike repulsive? DJUNA. Uhm. No. But MEL. If AWFUL DJUNA, Yeah, Tcan. Imagine MEL. T mean it not personal. It really isnt, Djuna, You're like You know, Ahealthy-lookingkid. Andifwehad met under diferent circumstances, yes, maybe I would have drunkenly hooked up ‘vith you. I just think that, among the many, many victims ofthe explosions DJUNA, The other seven billion people ofthe world MBL. Right, Among.all of them, and, you know, obviously civilization, my sex dive also took a hit that day, And has never DJUNA. Ab MEL. So is NOT personal. fs just, You know. Chalk it up to one ofthe sde effect of surviving a nuclear holocaust. DJUNA. Right. Totally MEL, Right DJUNA, Except I saw you geting of MBL. What DDJUNA. [, uh, Wel thsi going to sound creepy. (MEL. What were you doing in my silo? DJUNA. Well you were asking me for netting earlier, if had any ight wo netting, and I si Tid, but I actually did, soI came to give you the netting. But, listen, you gotta barter something back, okay Dbecause lately is been the neting and siding, and the Astro rt, and T'm geting nothing in return from you s0 all I askis that if sve you this meting you just — MEL. Okay, yes, moving way from the netting fora second— DJUNA. Right, Well. Wel, nothing, I came to tell you I had the netting and you were. You probably remember what you were— MEL. Oh my GOD— DJUNA. Isitthat big ofa deal? MEL. YES, DIUNA. Mel Ive seen you. Like, I've seen you shit. I've assisted you with that back when we were oth — MEL. That was lke lfeand death, that wast optional, that wast perverse DJUNA. It not lke I stood and watched! (MEL. Yeah [should fucking hope net. You should have made your presence known to mel DIUNA. Ididst want to disturb you! MEL. Ob, god! DJUNA, You seemed like you were having a MEL. Oh Gob. DJUNA. Like you maybe sort of needed it MEL. Okay STOPI Stop stop stop stop DJUNA. ts not! Like, I mean obviously I masturbate. Its been nineteen months, were ave, were healthy, were not gonna. But the point is, Without being too accusatory or pressure-y. Because we ‘an table this discussion for now we realy can. But the point i 1 Know your sex drive isnt gone. Mines not gone, And I know you oxit want to have sex with me. doit particularly want to have sex with you either I really hard to want to have sex with somebody ‘who has spent the better part ofthe lst year and a hal alternately crying and screaming at you. NOT THAT I BLAME YOU FOR ‘THAT: mean we arent ina sexy situation. When I masturbate udon't close my eyes and think of you. close my eyes and think of house, and a bed, and ike. college ge with bouncy tis and shes ‘worried about finals and Y'm her totor and she pays me in blow jobs. I dout want to have sex with you, Mel! But heres what Ido want, Ido want to have sex. I want to have sex, And I want to eat food. And Iwant to watcha movie, And want to fel flannel sheets ‘onmy skin and playa game on my phone and talk to my mom again, ‘And nooooone of these things are gonna happen. None of them, And, you know, we could de of radiation in a month, we could be ying right now— MEL. Stop it. DDJUNA. OR! Or. We could be Just fucking fine. And have another, dunno, thisty years here. And at some point it lik. I dont know, a ‘what point do you decid that you're done just surviving and youre gonna, Give yourself someth (MEL. Its not going to be good! DJUNA. No, of course is not going tobe good. Its going to be just as avhovard and weird 3s you think it wil be. And then maybe we ddorit doi again for months MEL. Years DJUNA, Decades, who knows MBL, Boundaries? [DJUNA. You tll me MEL. Noor DDJUNA, Noton the table, message recived Like I sad nota huge Toss. (MEL. No kissing DJUNA. No kising! MEL. No. DJUNA. Jesus [MEL Is too! Tcant go from this to. Kissing it too. DJUNA. Okay. No kissing (MEL, Ws probably best if turn. Like, we dnt face— DJUNA. Doggy. (MEL, Yeah, Thnk that the best. DJUNA. How are you going to be like, MEL, Ready— dunno, DJUNA. Wet— DJUNA. I mean I casit—ifyou dont want to J cait— (MEL, It not that. How wl you gt..2 DIUNA, That, Worit bea problem, MEL. Ob. DJUNA. just. (MEL. Touch me, here ‘She takes his hand and puts tover her shir om her breast He sort of Massagez DJUNA. Like this? MEL. Uhm, DJUNA. ‘Thisis. Beat [wish we ad like MEL. Alcohol. DJUNA. Mood music: DJUNA. Right. Okay Listen, Why dort we check back in another three months or so, and then maybe wel both feel alte more— MEL. Come here. Get closer emoves closer to he, 50 tat thir bodies are resting against cach other ‘Close your eves. He cose his eyes. They rest against eachother a he tls, ‘Okay. m going to close my eyes too, Do you hear that sound? DJUNA. (Eyes immediatly opening.) No, what? MEL. (With he eyes closed.) No. Close your eyes Listen, Do you hese 4 ItSalawn mower Someones mowing thelr awn, And sprinkler that was going just turned off. Someone has one of those annoying wind chime things thats clang clang clanging, And it mostly just, Sounds ike heat, Like the whole suburban neighborhood i lethargic, And slow: And Btaking a nap on the couch, And you want that. You wart to take 2 nap on the couch and have the ceiling fan blow a rhythmic, warm breeze onto your face. Tick. Tick. Tick. You want to just Take. A hap. But you can. Because finals are coming up. An you promised eon youl help her study Best ‘Okay Nove you tke lt rom here. eat DJUNA. I fve minutes after And Te jus started to think that ve gotten away wit it, thatthe leson was canceled ana {can just slip into.a deep, mid-afternoon slumber. When the doorbell ings. {get up fom the couch. I walk (othe front door. Topen it. Andis you, ‘Stephens apartment. Its smal but very tastefully decorated — very. Like some art on the walls that he purchased from a Felend’s galery show, Bose speakers. This the typeof guy who ‘would ov whiskey stones Multiple sets of whisky stones that heb received ovr the yar frm people who have no idea what sls to give hi. Stephen, 35a young 35s alone ts the apartment. Nervous nary. Maybe he dong push-ups The buceer. STEPHEN, Yeah! KACY. Bil STEPHEN. Come on up. He preses.a butt. We hear the door release. More nervous nergy rom Stephen. Maybe he straighten up the apartment ‘Maybe hedoes afew more push-ups. A knock on the door: He answers, Kacy 26, cool, put together ina Rag Bone kind of ogy, enters. Hi KACY, Hi. Hit STEPHEN. How are you? You okay? KACY. I mean STEPHEN, Yeu, KAGY. Yeah, Tm okay! STEPHEN, You don't have tobe KACY. No, knows but— STEPHEN. Not for my sake— ACY. No, but Tam okay, though. STEPHEN. You seem okay. KACY. Yeah, mean its just weitd, You know its ike a weld, Thing. STEPHEN. Yeah ts. KACY, ButT'm really glad tobe here Ieally dat want tobe alone tonight STEPHEN. Well, come on in! Take a load off. Can I get you some: thing? [have tea, water, cashew milk— KACY. Cashew mill! STEPHEN. Yeah, you want that? KACY, Nol STEPHEN, Its good, you wanna try some? Very dense. ACY, Tmean Iwas kind of thinking something harder. STEPHEN. Harder KACY, Like a drinks ike with aloo in— STEPHEN, Yeah no I know what harder is. Um. Ifyou think thats okay, KACY, 1 definitely think that’s okay, why would itbe okay? STEPHEN, I mean I gues technically it dest mater, Ljust wast KACY. It doesst matter STEPHEN. Okay. Wh KACY, What do you have? do you want?STEPHEN. Everything. KACY, Scotch STEPHEN. Sure KACY. Neat STEPHEN, Sure He gets the scotch KACY, Did you tedecoratet STEPHEN. Hmm? KAGY, Did you redecorate? STEPHEN. Oh, Uhmmmmm, no. Maybe a litle KACY, The shelf ‘STEPHEN, Was inthe other room, KACY, Whyid you moveit? STEPHEN. Wanted more room inthe bedroom, KACY. Ah, STEPHEN. Yoga KACY. Yoga? STEPHEN. Yeuh Just something I, Started doing KACY. Wow! STEPHEN. (Handing her a glass.) Whiskey forthe lady. KACY, You're not drinking? STEPHEN. Not tonight KACY. Really! STEPHEN. Anish, im on this. Fuck. KACY, What? STEPHEN. I'm on tis juice cleanse thing? KAGY. Are you serious? STEPHEN. Well 1 just gave up smoking. KACY, Wha? Since when? STEPHEN. A few weeks! Maybe a month? ACY. Thats wei {mean thats great! just, Cant imagine you 16 not smoking, that scems, Uncharaeteristic. But, no, that’s good! ‘Congratulations! STEPHEN. Thank you! Thanks. Yeah Iwas time KACY, Sure STEPHEN. Well, so Tm on this sort of, Health. Kick, Thing. KACY. Huh, STEPHEN. Kind of Trying to get my life together, KACY, That, Admirsble. ‘STEPHEN... could have one KACY. Yeah, that would be etter. STEPHEN. Doesst mean Ihave to fnih it ACY, Cant just. Let lady drink alone. STEPHEN, I guess not ACY. Like, just sit there and ike. Watch me drink. STEPHEN. Right | KACY, It just ike. Not polite STEPHEN, Well. Cheers to the next—I don't know, i probably bad to cheer ight ove but. KACY. Cheers STEPHEN. To getting through the next thirteen hours KACY, Thirteen hours! 4 STEPHEN, Yeah, KACY. Not tha youire counting or anything STEPHEN, Ha ha Right KACY. You know, ths doesnt have tobe awkward. STEPHEN, Lknow! KACY. Thnow Tim just ying. STEPHEN, [dost fel awkward. KACY, I mean it ike Accidents happen and you dea with thet, it doesnt have tobe lke STEPHEN. Right. KACY, A big thingSTEPHEN. Right, mean itt not snot a smal thing. KACY. I know! [now STEPHEN. No, know you do. KACY, Tim ust saying it does have to be like STEPHEN. Tageee KACY, Its relly nie to ace you, STEPHEN. Yeah, man. Likewise KACY, I've missed you. ‘STEPHEN, So what do you want to do? Whatever you fel ke you need, We could watch a move, or we could just talk, or not talk KACY, We could have ex. STEPHEN, UA, He starts to laugh. Uncomfortable laughter ACY. Sorry, ithe hormones itleaves you basically gagging fr it, STEPHEN. Is that thing? IKACY. Yes, thats thing STEPHEN. Oh. KACY. You didnt know that was a thing? 'STEPHEEN, I mean, no, 1— KACY, Itisa thing you can lookit up. STEPHEN. No, no, [believe you KACY. Look it wp STEPHEN, I'm good! believe yout [just didnt know. KACY. That makes sense ls not like Iwas expecting you to un out and buy pregnancy books Beat, That wasa joke STEPHEN. Yes, KACY. You are laughing Beat, then, cajoling Oh, Stephen! STEPHEN. { mean Tm not going tomake some big joke about this 18 KACY. This is your frst time at this rodeo, huh? STEPHEN, Init ityours? KACY. Yes STEPHEN. Wel you'e handling i with KACY, What? STEPHEN. Aplomb, KACY, Okay, STEPHEN. That’ compliment KACY, Thank you, STEPHEN. You're welcome. KACY. Iwas serious about the ex. STEPHEN, Having sex right now? KACY, Yeah, STEPHEN. Ahhh, Kacy. KACY, Literally offering you n strings attached sex right now STEPHEN, Yeah but ifs not quit. No strings attached, KACY, What do you mean? STEPHEN. Ijust mean— KACY, You think ths's some sort of entrapment scheme? STEPHEN, No, 4 KACY. Lalready got pregnant Stephen, I dont need anything more on you! STEPHEN. 1 don’ thinkit would be a good idea for us to go down that road KACY, [mean {dont really see what the big deal is— ‘STEPHEN. Itjust really confuses tings KACY, I dort find it confusing. What’ confusing? ‘STEPHEN. Jus, this back and forth, KACY. 18s sex, its not confusing STEPHEN. It makes things unclese about where we stand— KACT. You put your pens in my vagina and we both enjoy it fora while i not confusing, 9STEPHEN, {dost want you to get the wrong idea. ACY. I donthave the wrongides [dont have the wrongidea about anything, youve made everything perfectly clea, STEPHEN. Then why have ex? KACY. I dont know, because hormones, although you are becoming exponentially less sexually appealing to me by the second with this STEPHEN. Do you want to watch Seiji? KACY. What? STEPHEN, I dunno, find Seinfeld to be wery— ACY. NoT dost want to watch fucking Seine STEPHEN. 1 does have to be Sill, sometimes in these situations you just need totum off your— KKACY. You think came over here to watch fucking Jery Sein? STEPHEN, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE SEINFELD! KACY. [DON'T WANT TO WATCH TV RIGHT NOW! STEPHEN, COOL, THEN LET'S NOT WATCH TV! KACY, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE WHISKEY! STEPHEN, YES! He goes to refi her gas. KACY. Do you have anything to ea? STEPHEN. Are you hungry? KACY, I mesa, not particularly but were not gonna fck and were rot gonna watch Srinfld these complicated emotions areit just going to deal with themsves. STEPHEN, Ihave, Let se Ihave kale chips. Yogur KACY. Yeah, gimme a yogurt. STEPHEN, Yeah? KACY. Yeah, totally Love yogurt. Nothing says comfort food!" like yogurt. STEPHEN. Oh. You're kidding KACY, Whiskey and yogurt, mmm mmm mmm. 20 STEPHEN. 1 dont realy have anything like, Like what I imagine youre imagining right now, KACY, Olay, Gwyneth Paltrow. STEPHEN. Ican order you something? KACY, Iam nota fan ofthis new food regime you've got going on here. STEPHEN. What do you want? Tl order you anything you want KACY. Are you gonna get something too? STEPHEN. I'm trying not to eat after eight. KACY. Geeeeeeececeseseees STEPHEN, Thave a delicate sytem. KACY. Weare not meant tobe together STEPHEN. Lknov! [KACY, Mm mm. 'm allowed to say that, not you. STEPHEN, Okay. i ACY. Give me the kale chips, I guess. | Hetosees them over STEPHEN, How's work? She shag. Boss fill an asshole? KACY. Yeah, STEPHEN, You should quit [KACY, Tim going to, Ive been looking at other obs STEPHEN. Are you actully? KACY. Yes! God. STEPHEN. Okay but youve said that before— KACY. IKNOW. STEPHEN. You are way beyond what theyre having you do there. Is infuriating and your bossis an dit for not ecogniing your potenti ACE Otay bai notasesyasjast ging ostand geting anther jok ‘STEPHEN. Yes! tis! Someone like you? Are you Kidding? Of course you can! You ae. talented! aKACY, Your sister have her baby? STEPHEN. Yeah, KACY. Oh, Really? STEPHEN, Last week KACY. Ob my god, congratulations! STEPHEN. Yeah, thanks KACY. Boy or gel? STEPHEN. Gish KACY, Oh my god! Name? STEPHEN, Harlowe, KACY, Har? STEPHEN, Harlowe KACY. Hear? STEPHEN. L KACY. OW STEPHEN. £ KACY, OWE. STEPHEN. Yeah KACY. Ob, Hmm. STEPHEN. Yeah KACY, Wel, sill Thats wonderful, congratulations STEPHEN. Yeab, thanks. Thanks KACY, These kale chips ae disgusting, ‘STEPHEN. Dont eat them. KACY, No, I'm sill going to eat chem, You going to go see her? Your sister? STEPHEN. Yeah, yeah, next weekend. I was gonna go yesterday, actually, but. KACY. Oh, STEPHEN, No, but—1 mean itwasrit relly a good woekend og nyo. ACY. Teel bad, STEPHEN. O-W STEPHEN. No, dont fel bad? KACY, Tmean I dont fel tha bc. STEPHEN. Okay. KACY, Lee marginllybad, but not ike. I mean fm not going olse sleep overt STEPHEN. Right KACY, I mean I'l probablylose slep over the abortion but not ike, Your schedule STEPHEN, Kacy! KACY, Tim kidding! STEPHEN, Yeah but, ess, KACY. I defect with humor, STEPHEN, Yeah butts very Barbed, felsike very barbed humok KACY. Na, STEPHEN, Like very directed at me barbs, KACY, Ktsnot STEPHEN. You know that this is completly your decision, right? RACY, Uhm, yes, thankyou, 'm awe tht is my decision — STEPHEN, No, mean tm following your lead here, Do you want tohavea baby? KACY, No. STEPHEN. Ifyou want to have the baby support you. You know 1 support you, Tl pay for everything Fl bea part of is Ife have this kid with you, i thats what you want, KACY, You wont have the kid wih me. ‘STEPHEN. No, Tin saying. ifyou want to ave itll one hundeed pereent— KACY, No,1 mean you dont wantto have thekid with me: You'll pay child support and, what, work out some sor of jont-custody thing and bea parent to him or her of it but you dont want to have the baby with me. dont factor into what you will or woot do inthis situation and thats sort of the elephant inthe root, I me ‘That the awkward thing about toni 2Bini tomorrow is that Tm in love with you and I want tobe with {ouand you dost want toe with me, that’ why this is awkward. A moment STEPHEN. You dost want kid KACY. Iwant your ki. [want kids when thinkof you being their dad. STEPHEN, A baby, Wouldnt change things Between us KACY. No, know. know I’sjust some pretty fucked up irony. Tht | dont want kids, but want them with you. And you desperstely want childcen, but you dont want to have dhem with me STEPHEN, Yeah Rs pretty fcked up, KACY. Maybe it was dumb to come here tonight. STEPHEN. No. Come on. No. KACY. Ijust. There no one els Tcan tall to about this. [dont realy ‘want to talc about this to anyone STEPHEN, Tim glad you came. im glad youte here, KACY, Realy? STEPHEN. Idort want you tobe alone tonight. Youshoukdt be alone tonight ACY. Thanks. STEPHEN, Ifthe least can do. KACY, Wal STEPHEN. What? KACY, Nothing. STEPHEN. No, what? ACY. Nothing! ‘STEPHEN, That wasn nothing, that was pointed “well” No, twas barbed wel” KACY, I mean the last you can doi have sex with me ‘STEPHEN. Ob, KACY, Thats literally theless you can do. STEPHEN. [just Dont Think 4 KACY. Iwill got my mind off of things. 1 ike my Seinfeld sexi ke my Seinfeld, STEPHEN. Itsjust not «good idea— KACY, Because twill change how you feel about me? ‘STEPHEN. No, its not going to change how Lee about you! KACY, Well. 1s not going to change how feel about you citer We ‘can have sex right now and in twenty mites be in the exact same situation were in now Atleast forth next. Twelve anda half hours, Itwont change anything. STEPHEN, Then whats the point, Kace? KACY. I doit know [dont kno, there’ no point {im scared about tomorrow The appointment, es, but also tht afer [im not going to. mean we worit have any reason to ever And you ‘wont want to. And if nice that you're spending tonight wth me-— STEPHEN. No, dari, of course mm spending — KACY, Tknow, butts it sles, But tonights not the hard pat, you know? I think the hard pat willbe, Ina weel-or in two weeks rina ‘month and you worttbe there for that STEPHEN. You can aways cll~ KACY, I won't call, though. ! wont So tonight. Its just my lst chance to With yo. ‘And isthe least you can do. You know? STEPHEN, Okay. KACY. Ith the last you can do ‘Helens a kises her. She lsh hs er. The Rese him back. edness, Lights down, 51115, France, Abelard, medieval scholar ABPLARD: Hey Heloise My names Peter Ablar, fom Pai Lasked the bishop for your contact inf, [hope ta okay. Tt came actos your same from my buddy, Peter the Venerable, who sald tha youre the rele femal scholar ial trance Neetles to soy, my interest was piqued. Zand then afew month ago | came actos some of Your Ahminated mancscripts and weslke Really impressed 1 Jon think Ive ever seen 8 woman write so.competenty Rell impressive tll. — ‘Anyway. Not to pu any preture om yuo anything but you hav anthing ee you're working on fowl take alook A Ite about me soyou know im not som andom fake staid wih Willam of Champeaux at Note Dame, cis of 1100, and then spent fr yas ing the whole eachigetring thing Tac in Paris hw though, where Tveeceny taken poston as Maser sty sna mat ‘Anyway, Agi, no pressure but you want send something cove love oven ‘abd Heloise, «young woman. ELOISE. Abelard, “Thanks so much for reaching ont. ve inchuded in this convoy some of my latest manuscripts. Some of them are defintely in first- draft form butt should give you a sense of what 'm working on, Kind regards Heloise PS, No notes, please! Just general impressions. ABELARD. Heloise, ‘Thanks for sending over. Looking forward to reading, Abelard 26 Heloise, Just finished the vellum on didactics, I dont think {run the tisk of hyperbole when I say that was among the most brilliant treatises Te read in a while, Which is sad, realy, considering 1 work atthe supposed intellectual hub of Europe ls almost enough to make you think they should let women into the university, Im not even kidding To be honest, I even found myself struggling « bit at the Hebrew part, yours sso much better than mine. I did elke the final theorem wasa bit of cop-out though. jus think youre capable of something beter. You soar through every argument at such a «lazing pace, and then it abruptly concludes. [wanted fireworks. Sorry, you said no notes. really fecl honored to have read it, What ate your next steps with it? What elze isin the pipeline? Abelard ELOISE. Abelard, ‘Thanks for reading. You'te right about the ending, Pm still working through some stuf ve been kind of racking my brain boutit for months. But} guess Pl kep plugging away Thanks again for reading Heloise. ABELARD. Heloise, hope T wasnt discouraging in my last missive, actully think youre really close, and your theorem does come through, just think you could push ita litle farther. ike, f universal exist, independently of particulars, then what does that say about The (One? jst something to tink about. Happy to discus over chalice of win, if you're interested, A HELOISE, Abelard, Sure! I could go for a chalice. You have any plans for St Swithin? live with my uncle, maybe you know him? Pulbert? I dunno I thought maybe youl have crossed paths with bin or something, hes kind of in your world, Anyway. Address below. Looking forward Heloise ABELARD, Heloise, nvJust a quick note to say Tlooked up that passage when I got home, and you were right Its Euthydemus, not Protagoras 1 owe youa pheasant. ‘Maybell can swing by with it next week? ‘Your uncles kind of intimidating! Hope | madea good impres- sion. Anyoray, thanks again for tonight. Was so great to finally pt 1 face to the name, a voice to the words. A ELOISE, Abelard, Just thought 1 put down afew words to say that it was soo0o- ‘00000 good hanging out tonight! And I really think my uncle liked ‘you, tooand he never likes ANYONE. SUCH fan night. Next time maybe well actually talk about Pat, though, okay? Ha, Fondly Heloise, Abelard, ‘Oh my god, jst got your ker! We must have written at the exact same time, 9 funn. Next week with the pheasant would be gst! i. Abelard, “Thanks for coming by, and thanks fr taking Took at that new ending. [think we cracked i Or almost cracked i, I dunno. But thanks for leting me brainstorm. Your input was realy valuable. Youire a realy good tutor. #. PS, Was that anew tani? Looked nice ABELARD. Hey. So, 'vebeen thinking. sor of fee tke Tshould move in? fast hear me out. Last week we really got somewhere, I thinkin terms of your work. Like really think that if youhad autor you could relly get othe next evel on some ofthis stuf. T would offer to come to your house every week bt just cant eal with that three-day commute ime. Thoughts? A HELOISE, Agree that your tutelage would be really instrumental for my studies The issue, think, would be coms ing my unde... eis ofthe 8 notion that men are only atr..el, No intlectoal enlightenment But perhaps you could tr and convince him isa good idea? Maybe rite to him and propose i? And wel go from tere. Hh Abelard, Hey did you get my last letter? Havertt heard from you, s0 [ ‘wasjast checking ose ifyou gti. The gist: YES, Ithink you should ‘move int'l convince my uncle. Ieally need a tutor. Your pupil, Heloise Abelard, ‘Longtime no misive! Did you find another student? Should I be jealous? Ha, Heloise Abelard, ‘Okay but seriously if you dont want to tutor me thats fine, you should jus tellmeso tat Ican get another tutor instead af jst wating aroundall day fora pageboy. Please dome the courtesy ofresponding, Heloise ABBLARD. Dear Heloise, Sorry, sorry, srry! Smallpox outbreak, everyone quarantined for weeks. Allbetter now. Only thirty dead, not bad. Witing to your ‘uncle immediatly. Hope you were too mad Your faithful tator, Abelard. ELOISE, Abelard, ‘Oh my god Iwas not mad AT ALL! Uncle got your letter ands wong 0 youright now but think he acted vray: gers ‘Your student, Heloise A ‘Welcome to your newhomel! Here are ast a few things to help you get settled in: Book of Hours, ite fox skin forthe bed and ‘apomegranate. Justi trinkets, really! [hope you ike your room, 29the bed is actually really comfortable, [tied tout myself Okay, see yout dinner! H PS. Ahhh, was tht weird? About the bed? I'm sorry, maybe that wes inappropriate of me to es it out, didrt mean anything byt {just wanted to test it out to make sure it was comfortable for you. Ugh, now youre ust going to have this, Weird image of mein your bed, im s9 sort)! Bla! Ignore! [ABELARD. (Drunken) Heloise, Tm siting here in the oom that you've so carefll outed on my behalé I've eaten hal the pomegranate, and the fox skin rests ‘comfortably on my shoulders. I cant seem to sleep and reading the Book of Hours does seem to make the actual hours go by any faster, unfortunately. cant sleep tonight. Maybe isthe mead. Em so used to writing to you whea Ica sleep that it seems a shame to ‘rop the babit nov, eventhough were inthe same house. Suffice it to sy. very happy I came here, and find my new accommodations ‘ery very comfortable. Except, yes, you wereright. Iam havinga hard time getting the image of you i this bed out of my mind A HELOISE. A. Youre a really good tutor. Your pupil Heloise [ABELARD. H. You'tea really good student Yours, Abelard, ELOISE, Master Abelard, realy think T could improve on my Plato if we could actully ever get around to faleng about Plato during ou sessions. Helote ABELARD, Dear Heloise, Fuck Plato, Abelard. Heloise—Sorry Tran out so quickly this afternoon but please go over declensions before tomorrows We havent done those ina while but do the best you can and we can go over any questions ‘ALSO. Things got ile weird today! During the lesson So just wanted to, lear the air, acknowledge tht it happened, and move on. Won happen again, M.A. LHELOISE, Dear Master Abelard, 30 So gad you said something. blame myselfentrely. fm the one ‘who wast wearing gloves I dont knovr what was thinking leaving ‘my room lke that I'm ike, blushing, Lets just. Forget t happened. BACK TO LATIN: ABELARD. Heloise, Tust wanted to say, today was on me.I take the blame fr that ‘one, Bu tomorrow! For real. Declensions am resolved! From now ‘on, our minds will be decisively om higher things, ‘Abelard HELOISE. Abelard—1 am in complete agreement! Declensions ‘tomorrow! Dont make me get out my chastity belt! # ABELARD. H—You have a chastity belt. ELOISE, Yeah but I don lke, Wear it—H. ABELARD. Really! What docs itlook lke? A, HELOISE. Its ike. Black. With ike, litle things onthe side, And a lock —H. ABELARD, Heloise ‘We Reallyhave to not. Because, that wae aloe cal today. With your unde. And have so much respect form and I relly wouldnt ‘want to get om his bad side or anything. We just. Rally have to keep it professional fom now an, Please et me know that you got this ‘Master Abelard, HELOISE. Master Abelard, ‘Message received. Scholarship only, rom now on, Heloise. Abelard, OR: Perhaps we should move our lessons elsewhere? H. ABELARD. Lets say the library in the West Wing?—A, HELOISE. Abelard, Tam finding our sessions inthe library to be quite invigorating, but I wonder if perhaps a wall by the river would be more invigo rating? Mens sana in corpore sano, anal that. Maybe after vespers? aMaye dont let anyone see where you'te going? H. ABELARD, My darling title stader, A brief note about today’s material: Well be doing Greek, and. 1 like you to do a litle research beforehand. Are you familiar with Pripus? Known for his one overwhelmingly stabvart physical attribute, Look it up. Very important for today’s lesson, A ELOISE, Excellent lesson, thank you, Feeling 2 litle rusty on nocturns, actualy Pechape we could arange to meet, nocturnally? Yours, ABELARD. Exctllet ides, Looking forward to sceing how you look in my bed, Reality w the platonic ideal of, and sofort, Midnight. 4 HELOISE. Loved your bed. Did not ove the ten-minute walkin the freezing dark to get oi. My room tonight? H ‘My room tonight? H. ABELARD. Tonight? Your room? A. ELOISE. My room. Tonight. Heloise [ABELARD. The vestry? After breakfast? Yours. ELOISE, The chapel at three but wait untl you see the rar leave, forheaver sake, dort come in before ADELARD. You room tonight? A. HELOISE. DO NOT COME TO MY ROOM TONIGHT!" My cousin isin town. lomo you. Let me know you got this message. B. ABELARD, I got the message. A HELOISE, The banguet room? [ABELARD. “The pantry HIELOISE. The itl room adjacent tothe Great Hall ABELARD. Shed next to the moat? THELOISE, ‘That one te, by the river, you know the one with the gnarled branches? B. 2 Anne neRnReemmanNel | ABELARD. You mean the one by the back gate? A. HELOISE. No, the other one. H. ABELARD. The privy? Nope. Bad idea, Your toom, A. HELOISE. My room. H, A. My room tonight H. ABELARD. Your roam tonight? ELOISE. Abelard, I'm sick! Postpone tonight. H. ABELARD. Heloise, Are you okay? Wha’ the isue? I'm worried A HELOISE. fm fine! Dorit worryll Tm sure is totally fine. Just some bad grouse or something, think just need to rest but Uncle insisted on vending for a doctor anyway. told him is jst a stomach thing! Ugh i. Long beat ABELARD. My dearest Heloise, (Struggling to be upbeat) So how are you setting into the convent? Very wel hope. You know, some believe that monastic iets the only way to true enlightenment! Which is, Thope,ofsome comfort to you. And I dothink, all things considered, it probably is ‘best for you, given your condition, to be among women. | hope A HEBLOISE, Dearest Abelard, ‘The conventisfine! A litle austere! The blankets are made of, dunno, havent even figured it out yet, it ike, fur of some really uncomfortable animal? I sent for my own bedding but 1 haves! heard back, which makes sense, a Uncle is ail, Quite, Upset. Under standably! We did ran is fe and bring evertasting shame unto my. family. 17m sorry tobebleak, know you haveit SO much worse ight now For the record [thought castration was totally overboard. How are you.holding up? Heloise ABELARD. Heloise, ‘You know the thing they don' tell you about castration is that it hurts like hell, Just kidding! That’ all anyone ever says about scastration, end itis correct ‘Urineting normally again, though, so, Lite victories every day, Really the mental more than the physical. Ah, wel. Abelard, HELOISE, Dear Abelard, ‘Some news from me. [had the baby yesterday! I named him Astrolabe. { wanted something orginal, you know isso annoying ‘when there are like, thee Godfrey in one cass. Anyway He cute Best, Heloise ABELARD. Hel, So T've been thinking 1 might become a monk. When Ta considered monastic hfe before, Iwas like, "Yeah, no” but now, mean, what with my recent (Makes a snipping motion) Ym like, halfway thete already. And like its not a bad deal, a monastery. ‘mean, housing, fll Benefits, can continue teaching, Thoughts? Abelard ELOISE. Dear Abelard, T must confess [ had hoped things would work out alittle iferently for us. Wewere supposed tobe brant, amorous scholars! But instead, you're stuck being a monk and 'm stuck being a mom, Tam not entirely sure that ovr congress was worth tin the end. Despondenty, Heloise. AI thought about it some more, and, no it was totally worth tt ABELARD, H-—Right®? Worthit—A, HELOISE. A—It was SO FUN! Remember that one time in the ‘vestry? I think abou it often. —H. ADELARD, HI think about it almost as much as I think about wnat you did tome in the butery. 1 do ital again in a eartbeat. ven iit ed to (Scissor motion, again. stl ‘Your Abelard, ELOISE, You were an excellent tutor. Your pen pal Heloise M 4. Abed, Tim and Laura arin Laura gets up. "TIM, Where are you going? LAURA. The bathroom, TIM. K, Lavra exits, (Caling oer.) dunno. [dost want to inflate your ego or anything, but That was really good, That was ealy.good, Like. fm il Do you hear me? Im sill out oftreath You really You relly knocked the wind tof me. ‘She comes back Babe? That was. Realy good. LAURA, Better than afer Rin party? ‘TIM. Bet than the Catskills LAURA. Whasaaasaat TIM. Cinere LAURA. (Getting back into bed, egg) What? What? What? Oh bi TIM. Bi. LAURA. Hi ‘She gives him a series of ses on his forehead, chek, and all ‘round his face. He sides his hands down her was. (Moving his hands away.) Mean TIM. Not LAURA, Mmm-mmm. TIM, Youdont want meto.. LAURA. No... no thank you ‘TIM, But you didet— LAURA, No kaow. But. fine, TIM. Okay. They lie there. Aer a moment: 6LAURA. I had a really nice time though. TIM, Did you, though? LAURA, Totally! TIM, Okay, LAURA, ld you have a nice— TIM. Idi, LAURA, Well, good. Me too, ‘TIM, Great. A good time was had by all “They ethere You‘te sure you dont want me to LAURA, I'm okay TIM, Lcan go down on you? Lemme / go down LAURA, No. No, thanks ‘TIM. ‘Cause I don't mind, even fit takes youa while, if thats what you're worried about, dont minds [will keep at i LAURA. Oh, Tknow TIM. Okay. Beat ‘Am I doing something wrong? LAURA. No! TIM, Something I could be doing better? Or that you want me to ty? LAURA. No. Noi. [ket TIM, But you never lt me do it anymore LAURA. Tle you! TIM. You never let me, LAURA. 1 do! TIM, On Oscar night LAURA. What? ‘TIM. We watched the Oscars and then ik halfway through we got bored and we /had sex LAURA. Right, du, yos 36 ‘TIM. That was the last time. Actually, that was the last time you orgasmed— LAURA. Okay, not the last time ongasmed— TIM. ‘The lst time you orgasmed with me, which is the part of your sex life that Fm the most concerned with, LAURA. Sure, TIM, Okay, well, Laura that sucks! LAURA. Buti in! [dont mind, honestly dont. Mind, Sex sat jst about orgasms TIM, No, 1 know— LAURA. And Im like, Fine with our sexi ‘TIM, Breaking out the superlatives! LAURA. {im happy! fm happy with 1 thought this was fun! You had fin! I had fun! | fucking hate when we have to like. Have a conversation about it, Like that isso Like fs no sexy to talk about ‘tlk, we dont need to doa play-by-play. TIM, Tm not doing a play-by-play, 'm just trying to figure out why youre holding back — LAURA. How am Uhokding back? TIM. Why wont you let me i7yt0 make you come? LAURA. !,..You can try! TIM. Lean ey? LAURA. ...yeaht TIM. Right now, [can try? LAURA. Well, maybe not now. TIM, Why not now? LAURA. Come on, babe, we have lke two more episodes of The Wir, we could be done tonight. TIM, Laura LAURA. What? ‘TIM, Can you ast tell me, honesty what’ up? LAURA. Is just Tim, TIM, Yes. Te me! Lam all ears, aLAURA. Sometimes it casi. To just. Not” Than to have you like ‘Try, For forty-five minutes, Sometimes, woud just. Rather be doing something le fr forty-five minutes. Than. That ‘TIM, Right He gots out of be, starts geting dressed. LAURA. Areyou pissed?? TIM. (Pissed) Fm not pissed LAURA. Then why are you getting dressed? ‘TIM, [just think | would fee less vulnerable having this conversation svth my clothes on LAURA. Ohay. at that dot think youre sexy. Orlike. Good ait! ‘TIM. Ub-huh. LAURA. I think youe very good ati! TIM, You used to think was good a i LAURA. ISTILL do! ‘TIM, NO YOU DON'T thats fin! Thats fine But like, Noyou dont, LAURA, Okay, Maybe I doit. Like, Enjoy thats much as fused to Bat if that’ the cas isnot you its me, Like, You've been doing the same thing for five years te not ke you've suddenly changed up your technique TIM, God, Laura! LAURA, I didnt mean it ke that TIM, Not LAURA. NO I meant lke. If someone suddenly decides they ori ike mils not because mike differen, their taste buds just change TIM, Milk LAURA. Orlike, anything TIM, Real fucking Freudian, Comparing our sexe. milk that seally says something. LAURA. No, Not docs, And anyway 1 ike milk But thats not ven what Iwas saying, UGH THIS IS WHY 1 HATE TALKING. ABOUT IT! 38 ‘TIM. Well what was your plan? To just? Continue to have bad sex— LAURA. 1 would never characterize our sex Ife as bad. I would never say that. TM, Well what was your plan? LAURA. I donit know I didnt think anything was particularly actionable, ‘TIM, Ofcourse ite actionable! mean, what da you want metodo? Do you want me to try new technigue? I can do that, mean, learn, I can lke, Google it. You wanna ty like, toy? We could do that. You wanna get yourself off while we fuck? I hope you dont, think Im stopping you from doing that because T dont care LAURA. 1 want you tobe rough with me TIM. What? LAURA. Like, rough. TIM. Rough? LAURA. Yeah, rough, Jesus TIM. East sure that’ what you said! LAURA. Okay! "TIM, Like, what, ike what does that mean— LAURA. Oh any god TIM. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. Rough can mean alot ofthings! LAURA, Wall Use your imagination! ‘TIM, Do you want me to. Spank you, LAURA. (Timi) Sure TIM. Grab you? Stuflike tha? LAURA. Yeah, stuf ike that ‘TIM. Can you be any more explicit? LAURA. It not ike. Sexy if Thave o tell you TIM. Oh, okay, so Tm just supposed t hit you one day and see if youlike it Yeah, that seems like 2 great idea LAURA. Tm telling you now that 1 ike itt "TIM. Not like Tm never tough with you, 39LAURA, I know ‘TIM, I mean I'v ike Held you down, LAURA. Tknow. ‘TIM, But Ihaverit been rough enough? LAURA, It’s justthat you're not always. That convincing ‘TIM, What does that mean, Laura. LAURA. I ike, T never actully think you mean it. When youte rough with me, [never actully think you're going to hurt me, He doesnt respond. Tmt ‘TIM, Yeah, LAURA. Well, say something ‘TIM, I don't know what to sy LAURA. You the one who wanted this conversation!! I wanted to watch The Wire! TIM, I mean I dont knov what to sap! Everything Ive ever been taught about sex was thatthe woman should at NO point fel like theres ever ANY danger of you hurting her. LAURA. know! And thats good! I think thats a good thing and you are «good person and a good man. TIM. Yes, a good person, a good man, bit bland sexually but youke willing to overlook LAURA. 1m sorry T brought it up. "TIM. You want mete hurt you? I dont want to hurt you! Ilove you! LAURA. [know you do! ‘TIM. Lcaitlike, Pretend tobe someone cle and, What, hike, T mean what are you even talking about here, ik, whipping? Piaching? LAURA. Maybelike (Sort of mumbling) Choking TIM, Did you say choking? Thats what you said? LAURA. What’ wrong with that? TIM. {cart do that shi, thats not me LAURA, Okay. ‘TIM, Laura people like, ie. ‘That way LAURA. (Rolling her eyes.) Okay. ‘TIM, Fn serious! LAURA, [mean you wouldnt do ito kill me. would hope that youl know the diference between light choking and actualy killing — ‘TIM, Why do you want tha? LAURA. Areyou, Really aking? ‘TIM. Imrealy asking, why do you want met like, Why would you want anyone to. mean youre like. A feminist. LAURA. Forget ‘TIM, [im just trying to understand LAURA. But you dont! So ‘TIM. 185 just that. Thats not me LAURA. Yeah, Hknow. ‘TIM, Imean I could tr, but like, LAURA. Tknow'! Thats why I wasnt going tobringt up. And now I feel stupid for doing so. So. Beat, TIM. I mean I guess were jus. At that point LAURA. At what point? ‘TIM, AC that point in our relationship where we've ceased to be sexually exiting to each other. LAURA. That’ not—we are not at that point, dont want you to think that ust Because lately T havent been — ‘TIM. I mean its not just you LAURA. Oh. Beat. I didnt realize. You were having ‘TIM, Yeah, T meen. He shrugs LAURA. Twenty minutes ago it really didnt sem like you were having any sort of sort of trouble. a‘TIM, Well, yeth aus Ijust sort of Think about other things. LAURA, ...you think about other things? TIM, Yes LAURA, While we? TIM, Yeah, LAURA, Like, what the stock market, or— TIM. Nope. LAURA, Well what do yo think about, Timé TIM. I dunno, just ike, Whatever I need to think about to get the job done LAURA. "To get the job done TIM, Yeah LAURA. Tee. Other women? TIM. Not specific other women, but ike. LAURA. Other gener women, TIM, Yeah LAURA. Like, porn? "TIM, Yeah LAURA. Se. When yout iki ‘TIM, I mean yout there LAURA, Wow Well ‘She ges out of bed, pls om a pair of sweatpants, Pusher hair Inco bur grab er laptop TIM, What are you doing? LAURA, Fim watching Tae god damn Wie “TIM, Can we finish this conversation? LAURA, Ob; this super upiting conversation about how neither of| ‘as are filling each other sexually? Nab, think Pm good with that for tonight ‘She puts ts her headphones. ‘TIM, Come on, Laura me, youre na thinking about me. No response 2 Laura. stil think youtethe sexes iin the world. LAURA, (Noe drawn in) Ave. TIM. 1 shouldnt have told you tha, Is not personal Laur? Laure, LAURA. What? TIM. Itsnot personal. LAURA. Oh, Tkaow TIM, Okay, LAURA. Its not personal, fst that you have ate porn addiction | obviously that infiltrates our sex if too ‘She puts her headphones back in TIM. Wait what? Laura. (Taking her headphones out) Hey dont say Shit ike that and then jst put your headphones i, be an adult. LAURA, Dorit tell meto bean adult? ‘TIM, You dort relly thnk I havea porn sdicton LAURA. Ob, you do havea porn addiction, TIM. What? LAURA. Notlike A debilitating one But you look at por fickton. ‘TIM, Thonesty..don? Like, no, Im thinking about it and, dow LAURA. Te seen your browser history know why our internets slow all the ime. Is tause ofl the fucking caches. ‘TIM, Wha? LAURA. Its true, ‘TIM, No its not that makes no sense, But also, sorry tobe the bearer ‘of bad news, bat Guys lok at porn! Every male on the planet, and yeah [Took at porn from time o time, but. honey, you know what? So ‘docs your dad LAURA. You're an idiot. "TIM, Your dad watches poral And, your brother does. And every ex-boyfriend you've ever had specially the one with the poo shirts, they all look at par, lt, but i doesn't mean they'e addicted, and 'm sure as hell not addicted and its not cute to throw around accusations like that ust because youle pissed of just because hurt your felings. “8LAURA, Tm sotying to male yo fe blab cman at Tey in cher Henan TIM. Oty Lar struggle aginst him. With his re hand he grabs er hai and LAURA. I'm not even trying to make you stop, but maybe if you fcr oe watched just a ltl less, yout be capable of showing a bit more ; LAURA. OW! rae id ec exrrin on your bur whch aw TIM. (mediately leasing her) Are you okay? [knows because youre pictaring some unrealistic scenario in your LAURA. Yeah. head that got uploaded by some pervert in the Netherlands! TIM, Tim sory. 1 dat mean to dot that had, sony TIM, What? LAURA, Im olay LAURA. I dost know! ‘TIM. Youre okay? ‘TIM, You know at eas those pts show a litle enthusiasm, LAURA. I'm okay. (Meaning it) Really! Tm okay. LAURA, Gros. TIM, [aids mean odo it that hard, TIM. Do you know what your face looks like while [fuck you? LAURA. Tknow! I know. Its okay: “The palpable boredom in your expression Like, do you think Fm ‘She ks him. A swet, ender Kis. They back. After along oblivious to that? beat LAURA. Kind off You just said that this was the hardest youve ts not about pain, Really. ls about contro «ome since since the fucking Oscars— ‘And losing conto ‘TIM. The Catsls— ‘And you losing consol. LAURA, “The Catskills or whatever! Was it my palpably bored Because you want me that badly expression that got you of? Becton want me tht bal ‘TIM. NOPE it was the thought of Josie from New Jersey getting eae tet aaa nally reamed inthe shower! Law slaps him. Hard What the fuck ‘She goes to slap hi again, he grabs her wis. That is NOT okay, That is NOT okay for you todo that. Dont you [EVER do that. Do you understand me? Dorit you EVER hit me. Me, "TIM, You were just gonna. Never alk about i? She shrugs ‘You have to talk about Babe? Because you dori talk about its lke. You dont care enough. And if you dont care enowgh its like, ‘What ae we even doing here. You know? So we have to tlk about LAURA, Or. What lt Okay? He holds her arm in thea LAURA, Okay. Okay, et alk (Again) Or what? What will ou do tome? What? What will you dot TIM, Now? He does ancwer. fer a moment, she rases her other arm. LAURA. Yeah, Iinean we havent. na long hile, Jit talked about TIM, (Wanting) Laura you hit me. will doit back What we ke ‘A moment She moves her arm tot him. He grubs lof her ‘TIM. tna really long while! “4 45LAURA. Isard for me! TIM, Tknov! Por me to! LAURA. Should [star? TIM. Okay. LAURA. I'l just. Namea thing? TIM, Do you want me to names thing? And you can say if thats A thing for you? LAURA. Okay ‘TIM, Okay. Rocky road icecream? LAURA. What? ‘TIM, Practice round. LAURA. Oh, Ewasnit sure f that was ike, a sex thing TIM. No. LAURA. Okay. TIM, So, .rocky road icecream? LAURA. Oh. Eh. Ambivalent? ‘TIM, Okay. Good to know, LAURA. Next? TIM. Anal sex LAURA. Yeah, thats still. No. ‘TIM, Sill an. LAURA. Yeah, TIM, Well visit ive years LAURA. Okay. Next ‘TIM, Choking during sex LAURA. Yes “TIM, Okay. LAURA, Role play? ‘TIM, Are you asking me, or asking me to ask you~ LAURA. Tim asking ‘TIM. Oh. Uhm. Sure... depends on the context— “6 | | | | | LAURA. Depends onthe context TIM, But I'l gives atemative yes? LAURA. Olay TIM. Threesomes LAURA. sowuure. ‘TIM. Really? LAURA, Yeah, Why not TIM. Wow: What. What combination of LAURA. Any, TIM. Wow LAURA. Yesb TIM, Tam glad we are having his ake LAURA, Blucdating uh TIM. Pret, yeah Helooks athe Tam lad wee having this tl, They se. Eien. Significantly nc. Adam and Bve are naked, EVE, Adam. Adam, Adum, A-dum. Adam, Adam, Ad— ADAM, WHAT EVE, Have you ever done tat, sald your own mame? ADAM. My own name? No. EVE, You should doit. ADAM. No, EVE. You should do it You should try i) ADAM. Why would I want to say my own name. EVE, Because 7ADAM, I know where am. [dont need to call myself [EVE Eve, Eve, Eve. Eseoeve, Bovrwve Eve. EVEVEVE, ADAM. Eve EVE, Adan, Adar! Its nice to say! Hike saying it. ADAM, Mmmm. [BVE, Astatasoasasaaaaasananonasasaaaasaazasonasazaaaaeaasaa suaasaaaaaaaa-dam. ADAM. ADAM, STOP. EVE, Trysayingi! Yourname! tes powerfilto say your own name! ADAM. IfGod wanted us tobe saying our own namesall he time He ‘woulda have EVE, He wouldrit have what? ADAM. Given us companion to say our name for us! [BVE, I dont think thas, [dont think that true, God doesritknove EVERYthing, ADAM. Are you kidding? EVE. Okay. ADAM. God? EVE, Okay ADAM. Every thought you've ever had, every thing you've ever done, God's thought of i and done it first He knows everything ‘Wee just. Like. His lsh, EVE. YEAH, HES THE REST. But that doesnt mean we shouldsit Say our own names from time to time i we feel like tI the mood strikes ws, Eve, Beeveve, Eve. EVE, ADAM, (Sofi) Adam. EVE, Yl How did that fel? ADAM, It didi fel ike anything, I dont realy get what the big del is Saying “Adan” was not exiting, Ido NOT feel powerful it was NOT worth doing, and I prove i o you by saying Adam aga: ‘Adam. Adar Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam. ADAM, ADAM! Beat Ifyou sy it over and over it starts to sound really 48 EVE, Yeah! That happened to me, to. ADAM. Eve EVE, Yes? ADAM. Eve EVE, Eve BOTH. Eve. Fve, Beeceve, Eve. Errwe. Eve, Eve. Eve, Bre, Eve Eeeceve, Eve! EVE, EVEII! Erewwvvve. Eve. ve. Eve, E~ ADAM. Let do something ele EVE, Okay. ADAM. Lets play what do you ike more EVE, Mmmkay. ADAM. Ilstar. EVE, Okay, ADAM. Uhm. Okay. Okay, parrot? Or ant. EVE. Ant ADAM. Your turn EVE. Water or grass? ADAM, Wate. Too easy. Monkey, or EVE. No, ADAM, 1 ditt finish EVE, Okay, ADAM, Monkey or ante— EVE, Antelope ADAM. Okay. EVE. Rock or worm? ADAM. Oh. Ahhh, Worm? EVE, Okay? ADAM. Worm. Monkey or wind? EVE. Wind. ADAM. Wor. EVE, [hate monly. “9ADAM, Yeah Best, Ws your tur. EVE. Oh! Uhm. God or me? ADAM. What? EVE. God or me? ADAM, I. What? EVE, Idunno, Which do you ike more? ADAM. You or. GOD? EVE, Yeah ‘ADAM, Wall. God! EVE, Okay, ADAM. Tht was, That ws pretty good one there. Okay, FEATHER, (Or Tiger. [EVE Feather, itl tree or bigger tree? ADAM, Bigger tree. Gd or me, EVE. ...Ged. ADAM. Okay, Beat Lite octopus, or thund— EVE. You. God or you, you ADAM, Feather or me? EVE. You. ADAM, ..antor Adam? EVE, Adam Best. ADAM, Monkey, or. NOT me EVE, Hoh? ADAM, MONKEY...or not me. EVE. NOT...y0u? ADAM, Not me, EVE. Monkey. ADAM, Really? EVE. Yeah, Monkey, ADAM. You hate monkey. Adam or Eve? EVE, (Smiling) Evel Adam or Eve? ADAM, Adam. EVE. ... want to chew on you. ADAM, Chew on me? EVE. Yes ADAM. Why? EVE, Dont know. I just. Can try ADAM, Alright Where are you going to chew? EVE. Your shoulder. ADAM. Okay. Not foo hard [BVE, No, just litle Bve chews on his shoulder ADAM, How iit EVE. Ubm. ts ADAM. You can do it harder She chews ‘What’ it ike? EVE. I dost know, its good. want to~ ADAM. 1 didnt think Td like you doing i, 1 mean, I thought it sounded kind of weird but now that you're dong itt actually, Fm — EVE, Can try here? ‘She moves down to hisside ie wats. ADAM, Ohay. EVE, Iwant to take bite ADAM. ... Why? EVE, I dont know I just, Want to fee you in my teth ADAM. Let me try you siEVE, Okay, ADAM. Hecet EVE, You want to geta part where its nice and— ADAM, Here? EVE, Heshy. Yes, thats good, now just—yes ADAM, Mane BVE, Itfoels—itfels good, right? Like, weirly— ADAM. Mmbmm, He moves to her breast. EVE, Oh! ADAM. Bad? EVE. Noi just. [woulda have thought to— ADAM. You sid fleshy, so— EVE, Isit good? ADAM. (Chewing her, tasting her) Very, Oh, very is delicious. But ‘ts rustrating because— EVE, Yes, know what you mean— ADAM. Because there’ nothing to actually eat. cant actually eat you. But I'm hungry for you VE, T'm starving for you! ADAM, But dict know that could fel hungry Ike thisits—ts very EVE. Frustrating. ADAM, [fel so frustrated! But notin a bad way EVE. Okay my tur, ADAM, 'm not done! EVE, You can Keep going, Ijust— ‘She starts o nibble on his shoulder ashe continues to graw ‘on her. They both enjoy it With a laugh, Adam breaks aay. What? ADAM. ‘This is 0 fa! EVE. Tinow! ‘They start gassing again, this time closer teach other’ faces, ‘Ther has are mostly at ther ides not touching each other. ‘Thy get loser ana closer until they are, fective, Kissing. Aer a moment Whoa ADAM, That was so— EVE, With the tongue! When you put your tongue— ADAM, Was that—was that bad J just— EVE. No! ADAM, Okay. [EVE Itwas awesome, ADAM. It was just kind ofan in-the-moment thing, I mean we ‘were chewing, and jut thought, well, whats one step farther than chewing. EVE, Tonguing! ADAM. TONGUING! Thats hilarious EVE, Like chewing. but just, wth your tongue. ADAM, That’ so Funny. Tonguing! VE, Lets do some more? ‘Adam nods. They sar kissing agin, What they maybe lack Jmoxperienc they makeup for im enthusiasm, (Sti ssng T= going to pat my tongue in, too! ADAM. (Sil ising.) Okay. EVE. Tim going to lick your neck, ADAM, Okay. She asses his neck EVE, Tim going to—WHOA, ADAM, What? Eve points. Whoa EVE. 1 didnt know you could do that! ADAM, Oh, Yet. 53EVE, !! Why ddr you tell me you could do that? ADAM. I dunno I gues just sort of figured that you could, to, EVE, How can Ido that, Adam, I dont even have one ADAM. (Proudly) Oh, Well Yeah, Ihave one. And it can do this! EVE. (Grabbing her breasts) Well you dort have this! Or this one! ADAM. I know 1 actually ai jealous ofthat. EVE You shoul be! They are both GREAT. ADAM. I know! What do they do? EVE, Noteverpthing has todo something, Adam, sometimes things justare ADAM, Like moss EVE, (Motioning to her lft breast) This or moss? ADAM. This, EVE, (Back to his penis) Is it ke—hard? ADAM, Hard, yea, I guess that’ the word to describe it EVE, (Touching it) ts hard but its not ike a ROCK, I mean i still feel ort of soft when ADAM. Whos! EVE, What?? ADAM, Nothing, EVE, Did Thurt you? ADAM. No. Kind of No. hat fl. EVE, Thiet ADAM, Yeah. EVE, Thist ADAM, Yeah, EVE. This? ADAM, Genter! EVE. (Genter) This? ‘ADAM, Yes EVE, What does it feet like? ADAM, It felt fees ike the hunger. 54 EVE. Oh, ‘ADAM, But notin a bad way ina, Not in a bad say, EVE, I liked chewing better. ADAM. We can do that, again! EVE. Okay! They start chewing again, Adam putshishand om her breast. ADAM, Ha HAL Eve grabs his elbow EVE HaHa! Ada grabs her ce: ve grabs his waist wih one orm, and his neck wither other Now what? “He grabs her waist with one arm, her neck withthe other ADAM. (Kissing her neck then her nos.) Here or here? EVE. I don't know, ADAM. (Putting his handon her ack then om her but Hete? Orhere? EVE, Ieart—I doit know. Both, (Putting her hand om his chest her ‘mouth on his.) Here or here? ADAM, I dont know. Both EVE. Here or Adan takes her han, puts it on his penis ADAM, Here. EVE, There? ADAM. Yeah, They chew. ‘hiss the best we've ever played. ‘ve nods, They chew With increasing fensy. And, ambi, they find their way to intercourse. Everything is surprise, @ iscovery, And we doit ned ose ar organ, adit doesnt ned to lst very long. But at some point EVE, Adam, ADAM. Eve 56‘And then they stop And disengage, And they rest, with heir limbs splayed over each other Telegent. EVE, Adam? ADAM, Yes? EVE. What we just did. ADAM. Yeah? EVE, We made that, We did that ADAM. Wedid EVE, Weareso, so, clever. They look at eachother And laugh. And laugh, Ate laugh End of Play 36 PROPERTY LIST (Use this space to create props lists for your production) 37