www.resurrectionafterrape.

org

A Parent’s Guide to helping a Daughter

who has been raped

Matthew Atkinson, LCSW

 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 1

How this guide will help.

Rape is an act of violence which occurs when someone takes control over another by the
use of physical threats or force, or by exploiting another person’s inability to give or withhold
consent for sex. While it is true that both women and men can be raped, it is most commonly
done to females by males. Sexual assault (and attempted rape) is the fastest-growing crime in
America, yet receives little helpful attention by media, educators, or politicians. Since rapes are
usually unreported, nobody knows exactly how many actually happen each year, but estimates
are that more than a half-million occur annually, or about 78 per hour.

Even though there is little public attention to rape, there are many scientific studies about
rape, rapists, and effective forms of helping survivors. As a result, public awareness is
improving, rape myths are being challenged, and survivors are finding better help today than in
years past.

As you might expect, most resources to help rape survivors come from crisis centers,
police stations, and specialized counseling programs. However, rape does not only affect the
woman, but also her family, friends, and other loved ones. Because of this, people in
relationships with rape survivors are called secondary survivors; we are not the ones who were
attacked, yet we are still hurt and affected. Secondary survivors sometimes need help dealing
with the trauma too, and our role as the victim’s helpers makes it important that we prepare
ourselves with education and counseling whenever needed.
I am a licensed clinical therapist, and in my practice I have worked with many families
affected by the issue of rape. This booklet can help explain some of the things rape survivors
have described as the most effective ways their parents can help them.

The role of men

Males can have some of the greatest effects on a woman’s recovery. Depending on how
we approach our role as helpers, we can either make her experience worse or better; we can
either react badly and devastate her, or we can be one “key” in her recovery and healing. Since
half of raped women turn to a male as their first source of help and advice, we play a crucial role
in both the short-term and long-term experiences she has after the assault.

Although fathers often want to help the survivor, we are often unprepared to be effective.
We might think of rape as a “woman’s problem,” or assume that it’s something they can just “get
over.” Or we may assume they’ll never “get over” it; that she will always be impure or “dirty”
because of what someone else did. Maybe we realize we’re even angry at her, being critical of
her decisions (“you put yourself in that situation!”) or wanting violent revenge against her
attacker. As a result, a lot of poor decisions are made by well-meaning helpers.

If your wife, daughter, or friend is raped, this guide will give you ways to help her
recover. You will learn what you should and should not do. You will learn what emotions she
may be experiencing, and how to talk to her about them. You will also learn how to handle your
own emotions about what’s happened.
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 2

The role of women

Mothers are important in the healing process because mothers can reflect back to a
daughter how loved and valued the daughter is. A mother can demonstrate for a daughter how a
strong woman handles a rape experience by being honest about her pain and grief, and yet
resisting the pressure to just “give up,” ignore the rape, or turn to self-destructive behaviors after
the rape.

Countless young women who have been raped have said to me in counseling that it was
their mother’s emotional strength or weakness that most influenced the daughter’s choice
whether to tell anyone about the rape or not. That doesn’t mean that if your daughter has hidden
her rape from you for a long time that she doesn’t have faith in you; hiding a rape is more
common than talking about it, and it may be that your daughter lacks confidence in herself to be
able to deal with it.
Also, many young women have found that they are most helped (or most hurt) by how
their mothers handle their knowledge of their daughter’s rape. A mother who is sensitive,
supportive, and willing to talk and listen is obviously more helpful to her daughter than a mother
who blames or scolds her daughter, gives the message that the mother is ashamed of her
daughter, or avoids the topic altogether.

Rape myths that parents can overcome

There is no such thing as a “typical” rape, or even a “typical” rapist or “typical” victim.
However, there are a lot of common elements and misconceptions that affect rape survivors, and
understanding them will help you become sensitive to what she has faced--and is facing.

First--and I cannot emphasize this enough--rape is not about forcing someone to have
sex. It is not sexual at all, in fact. This may sound like a startling and bizarre thing to say, so hear
me out.
Although rape usually happens when a woman’s body is hurt in what we consider a
“sexual” way, rapists themselves tell us that their actions weren’t about being aroused, attracted,
turned on, or “horny beyond control.” Rather, it is a crime of violence in which the goal is to take
power, not sex, from the person. Sex is the method used to take power and control; not the
goal of the control.
Think of it this way: when someone mugs a person at gunpoint, the goal of the crime is to
take something valuable from the victim, usually money. It is not about fulfilling a mugger’s
desire to point and use a gun. The gun (and the threat) is the method used to take something else
from the victim, and rapists use sex as their weapon, not as the thing they want to get.
While most rapes don’t involve a gun (in fact, few rapes involve a weapon at all), it is
common that bodily injury can happen. This is a real danger: although an injury may have
occurred, it is often in such a private place or done is such an unthinkable way to her body that
many victims decide to never report the crime at all, keeping it a secret—but also preventing
themselves from getting medical attention.

Since this is a violent crime where one person injures her body with one part of his body,
it is crucial to understand that it is a terrible myth that the woman somehow “asked for” it, liked
it, brought it on herself, wanted it, or is exaggerating the experience. Even when the attacker is
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 3

someone she is dating--a boyfriend, or even a husband--this is still a violent assault made by a
person wanting control over the victim, not something she wanted or enjoyed (or gave in to and
then later changed her mind by making up a “rape story”). No matter what you talk about with
the daughter you are helping, it is never appropriate to hint or suggest, or even ask, that she may
have liked it, brought it on, or provoked it.

A second related fact that parents often struggle with is that the woman is absolutely not
responsible for her victimization. Not even slightly. No, not even 2% responsible. This is where
we often have the urge to ask, “Yeah, but…?”
“yeah, but what if she…?”
“Yeah, but how about when…?”
Nope, nope, and nope.
Many often assume that the victim could have prevented the rape by taking certain
precautions, avoiding certain situations, changing their appearances or behaviors, resisting more
forcibly, not drinking, etc. It’s even easier to make these assumptions if she shows no visible
injuries; we might assume, “Well, the guy apparently wasn’t violent, right? I mean, she’s not
hurt, so clearly if she had fought back (or kicked him in the groin, punched him with car keys,
etc.), then she could probably have escaped!”

Some parents even subconsciously wonder whether the victim gave subtle hints of
consent if she didn’t resist as violently as he feels she should have. This assumption unfairly
suggests that she shares some blame for the assault, and that if she were able to change enough
things about her appearance, location, or behavior, she would be safe. It sounds like this: “If you
had been tougher/stronger/smarter, maybe he would have gotten the message and stopped…!”
This kind of attitude demolishes whatever strength and confidence your daughter has left.

Here’s why that’s all wrong: Women who have survived rape have reported in studies
that fighting back made the attacks against her become more violent in 20-35% of the cases. In
other words, the decision to fight the attacker can possibly threaten her own safety even more.
Rapes happen in every hour of the day and in any setting, and to every age group. When a
person is being attacked, there are three instincts that can happen, and these instincts are chosen
by the body, not the thinking mind:

1. Fight. Parents often assume this is the best instinct, and will even sometimes blame
daughters who don’t make this choice. Courts often get this one wrong, too, by suggesting
that if she didn’t fight back, she can’t claim he (the attacker) was raping her. “Where was
your show of resistance?” “Why didn’t you fight back?”
2. Flight. This is the “run away” instinct. The risks here are that she may be stranded, and it
may provoke more anger by her attacker which makes her risk of injury more severe if she is
caught.
3. Freeze. This is the most common instinct--for both males and females, no matter how
tough we try to talk when we’re not actually in that situation. A person feeling threatened
may curl up, become tense, cover their faces with their arms, and even become silent. Again,
courts and secondary survivors often misunderstand this instinct and blame the woman with
the idea, “if she just froze, didn’t scream, didn’t fight, and just remained silent and still and
numb, she can’t say it was an attack, right?”
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 4

There is nothing wrong with any of these instincts, except that victims will often look back
at their experience in hindsight and criticize themselves later: “I feel so stupid,” she might think,
“that I just stayed there! I didn’t kick or scrape or fight! Why didn’t I do more? It’s my fault for
not stopping the attack!” Some women play the memories over and over in their heads for years
because they keep thinking they did something wrong, or should have been able to stop it.
At this point, it is entirely appropriate to disagree with her and tell her she is wrong to
blame herself--that it was not her fault, that her survival decisions are perfectly normal and may
have saved her life, and that you support her.

Third, it is important to understand that there is nothing she could do differently that would
prevent it. Rape victims will almost always find ways of blaming themselves for the assault by
listing all the ways they could have fought differently, dressed differently, screamed differently,
hit differently, or been somewhere different. Victims who blame themselves are trying to find a
sense of control again: “If I can figure out what I did wrong, I’ll know what to change or never
do again, and I’ll be safe. I can prevent being attacked again if I can figure out what mistakes I
made, and not repeat them!” It’s a natural but unhealthy way for her to create a false sense of
control over whether this could happen again.
In reality, we know that there is nothing about a victim that makes a rape happen. A rape
happens when a man makes a decision to hurt a woman he feels he can control. Rapes happen
because of the rapist, not because of the victim.
One of the worst ways to “help” a victim is to name a list of things she could have done
differently, or did wrong. When a victim blames herself, this is the only time when it is proper,
and necessary, to disagree with her and tell her she is wrong:

“No, it wasn’t your fault. This didn’t happen because of anything you did wrong, or how
you dressed, or where you were. It happened because a very sick and angry person made a
terrible decision to do this to someone. I am very sorry that it happened to you. You don’t
deserve it, and it’s not your fault.”

Sometimes we think of all the ways a woman could “prevent” rape: Don’t go into bad
situations, don’t dress in provocative clothes, don’t drink or use drugs, etc. The problem with this
line of reasoning is that it suggests these behaviors make rape happen. Notice that they also
suggest that the way to stop the rape problem is to make women guess all the things they should
do differently so nobody will ever hurt her in the future: how she should act, dress, where she
can be (and when, and with whom), and what she should do. This kind of thinking puts
responsibility on women to predict the future and not to be victims, rather than putting
responsibility where it belongs. And when women are raped, this thinking adds to their shame
and humiliation by suggesting that they failed to follow unwritten rules, and therefore “deserved”
whatever happened.

Let’s review. In this section we’ve learned these important things:

• Rape is a power crime, not a sex crime. Sex is the method of rape, not the goal.
• The victim is not responsible--even slightly--for what a rapist has chosen to do. Even if we
disagree with some of her decisions during the incident, some of her responses are instincts
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 5

(not choices), and even when she does choose some of her actions, no choices make rape
deserved, natural, or even likely. Only a rapist’s choice to attack makes a rape happen.
• All humans--men and women--have three instincts when we feel out life is threatened: Fight,
flight, or freeze. None of these choices is “better” than the other, so we should resist judging
a victim who did something other than “what I would have done in that situation...”
• Nearly all rape survivors will blame themselves or feel guilty after the rape. This is an
unhealthy but natural way for her to psychologically protect herself by trying to figure out
what she “did wrong,” so she’ll be able to “fix it” and keep it from happening again. It is
important that you not go along with it, and even disagree and insist that none of it was her
fault.

You can help her by:

• Knowing the myths, and not falling for them
• Understanding what she is going through and why she blames herself
• Listening without asking prying questions, but also reminding her that she is not to blame
• Allowing her to make decisions to regain control (except the decision to blame herself; you
will gently but solidly teach her that she is not at fault)

Her immediate needs

The time immediately after a rape is confusing, emotional, and charged with anxiety --for
each of you. It is also a time of physical discomfort and high risk for her. Not only has she been
terrorized and totally violated, but she fears that her closest companions may not be supportive or
believe her. One of the most frightening experiences for a survivor is getting the courage to talk
to you, and wondering how you will react. Your reaction can set the tone for her recovery in
years to come. She will wonder,

“Will I need medical care?”

“Should I tell my family?”
“Should I report this to police?”
“Could it happen again?”
“Will I become pregnant? “
“What if I get a disease like AIDS?”
“Will others reject me now?”
“Am I ruined for the rest of my life?”
“Will I be an embarrassment to the people I love?”
“Can my life be normal again?”

Clearly, rape isn’t something she can just “get over.” The emotional effects can last for
years, and unfortunately helpers like police, doctors, ministers, and lawyers can be insensitive.
For example, if she reports the assault to a hospital, they will collect physical evidence to be used
in convicting the attacker. This is an intimate, painful process. And even more distressing is that
this evidence must be collected before she bathes, changes clothes, eats, drinks, smokes, or
brushes her hair. The advantages to a medical exam, though, are these:
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 6

1. Evidence can be used to convict the attacker.

2. Physical injuries can be detected and treated immediately.
3. Preventative contraception can be given to prevent pregnancy.
4. Antibiotics can be given to combat infections, including many sexual diseases.
5. Psychologically, it becomes her way of gaining control again by not letting him “get away
with it.” It feels like a way of fighting him back and talking a brave step for herself.

You should encourage her to seek medical help, but the decision should remain hers. Remind
her that you can go with her through every step, and even though you can’t be in the same room
while the nurses are working, you will be right outside. An advocate from the local rape crisis
center will arrive to meet you, and she will sit with the survivor through every moment of the
examination to talk with her, help her, give comfort, and provide both of you with more
information about counseling and other services available for free.

Even if she does not want to go through an evidence examination, or if the evidence has been
lost because of delay, showering, etc., it is important that she see a (female) physician as soon as
possible. Assisting her in this process tells her two things about you: first, that you understand
that the attacker is at fault here, not her, and you place responsibility where it should be: on him.
You will use proper methods to seek justice. Second, you are compassionate and calm and you
want to be supportive and understanding of her. She is not going through this alone, but with a
strong, dependable family.
What you should do
The single most common reaction among parents is intense anger toward the rapist, even
wishing you could hurt him in revenge. This is normal and understandable--I would feel the
same way. Yet this is a time when calmness is needed, and violent revenge would be the wrong
way to help her.
Going after the guy can scare your daughter by making her wonder if the attacker will
come after her for revenge because she told someone what he’d done, had him beaten up, etc.
Retaliation by the rapist is possible in some instances. And it shows her that yet one more person
she thought she could trust becomes violent as a way of handling angry emotions. She’s just had
to deal with one person like that; the last thing she wants to see is yet another person in her life
using violence to achieve what a goal. That can make her feel guilty, as if she’s imposed an
emotional burden on you. She may see the fierce anger of your reaction and wish she hadn’t
stressed you out with one more thing for you to have to deal with. She may even try to take the
role of being your comforter, counseling and soothing you when in fact she is the one in need.
Also, it’s illegal. Assault and battery, no matter how much the guy might deserve it, is a
crime and you could be prosecuted. That would mean that her helper might be fined or
imprisoned, leaving her without a protector while her rapist is still free.

Your anger should never be directed toward her. In my professional work, I’ve actually
seen young women who were far more damaged by a loved ones’ scolding, “how could you be
so stupid to get yourself raped?!” than by the rape itself. Words hurled in moments of frustration
can be severe in this situation. Anger against her deprives her of an opportunity to talk openly
with someone she can trust.
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 7

Avoid questions, especially those that begin, “Why…? Why didn’t you…? Why weren’t
you…? Why were you…? Couldn’t you have…? Should you have…? Do you think that was a
good idea…?” and other questions that begin with hints of blame, or make her defend herself.
Even if you don’t blame her, she will anticipate hints that you might, so be very careful with
questions. Rather than asking questions at all, try suggesting something honest like this:

“I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I care about you deeply. If you want to
talk to me about this, I will listen. I want to be someone you can trust to be helpful to you,
whenever you are ready.”

No matter how curious you are, avoid asking about details of the attack. If she wants to
discuss them, listen to her but avoid pressing for more information. Never discuss with her
whether she enjoyed any part of the attack (she didn’t!), because it is important that you don’t
equate rape with sexuality, promiscuity, or infidelity. One mistake that some parents make when
they talk about rape is that they tend to focus on the sexual aspects of the experience, rather than
understanding the act as a violent crime of power and control. By misinterpreting rape in this
way, families can make their daughters feel even more alone and misunderstood.

Males aren’t the only ones who misunderstand rape; females do too--including survivors.
Convince her that you do not share those views that blame the victim for what another person
has done. When you insist, “It wasn’t your fault,” I can almost guarantee that she will disagree
with you, debate you, and list the reasons why it was her fault (and if she doesn’t argue with you
in words, she’s probably doing it in silently her mind). But remain steadfast. Don’t debate her
point by point, just keep assuring her, “I hear you, but none of this was your fault. I don’t blame
you--not at all.”
The advantage of this won’t be apparent right away. It’s not like she’ll instantly brighten
up and realize she’s innocent. But that’s not the point. The point is that when she is finally ready
to talk--a month from now, a year from now--she already knows that she has at least one person
in her life who won’t blame her.

Avoid taking charge, even if you don’t agree with the decisions she is making about how
to handle this (unless she begins to rely on drugs or alcohol to cope with her pain). While you
should encourage her to seek help, counseling, and medical attention, don’t overrule her
decisions (That’s what the last guy did). It is important that she is the “decider” and you are the
supporter.

Don’t feel shut out or hurt if she isn’t immediately open to you about the rape. It’s not a
sign that she doesn’t trust you or has lost her love for you, it is a sign that she might not trust
herself just yet. She will need a long time to grow strong again before she can discuss it with
anyone, even you. Then again, some daughters are immediately open. But don’t disrespect her
privacy by prying, inquiring, or pressing her to be open, even if you believe “it’s so we can deal
with it and move on.”

Tell her you love her. Tell her you love her. Tell her again that you love her. Got that yet?
Tell her you love her.
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 8

Talking with her

For your daughter, having to disclose the incident to you can be a source of fear. Many
families undergo strain, and some marriages even collapse in divorce, in the aftermath of an
assault when the system of communication breaks down. But there are several steps you can take
to prevent this:

Be patient, open, and willing to show that you are loving. By allowing her to express her
feelings at the time of her choosing, you can assist in her recovery from painful emotions and
fears, and it shows her that you respect her enough to let her set the pace for recovery.

Do not pressure her or question her into opening up details of the attack, or how she feels,
or how she feels about you (making it all about your feelings is selfish). When she is ready to
talk, she won’t be able to hold back—and that’s when you need to be there. Do not express anger
over her reluctance, like sighing “Fine!” and walking out or using guilt like “How can we deal
with this if you won’t be open to me?” Rather, say things like “That’s okay. This is tough, and
whenever you want to, I’m ready to listen” (notice the word “listen,” not “talk”).

Eventually, it will be necessary to discuss the impact of the rape on your relationship. I
suggest doing this in the presence of a counselor who specializes in rape (not just “marriage and
family counseling,” but specifically a sexual assault therapist provided or referred by your rape
crisis center).

What to say to other people

For your daughter, having to tell the incident to family is another source of fear so intense
that many keep their attacks completely secret and never tell anyone. Family members often
have responses similar to those of the victim herself: anger, shock, guilt, depression, and
helplessness. It is important for them to demonstrate their concern for her, but some families
aren’t sure how to best do this. Here are some ways to help:

• Family members who feel helpless may display their own sense of shock by venting rage or
threats against the rapist. They may think that by showing their anger toward him or making
violent threats, they can persuade the victim to realize, “see? We’re battling on YOUR side!”
But again, such threats may further traumatize her or make her regret telling her family what
has happened. Their anger should be expressed to a counselor or to you, but not to your
daughter. Constant anger only escalates her tension, and can make her feel she has burdened
her family with this trauma.

• Do not allow the assault to be trivialized or mocked through insensitive jokes or comments.
Some people use “rape humor” or “just teasing” insults when they are uncomfortable with
the issue of rape. These jokes are likely to hurt and scare her rather than raising her spirits.
Similarly, avoid being entertained by music which expresses violent attitudes towards
women, since this will give her a mixed message about you: “you claim you are caring and
sympathetic, yet you allow your mind to be filled with forms of entertainment that degrade
and humiliate us.”
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 9

• Families sometimes overprotect their daughter by trying to convince her to change cities or
schools, move elsewhere, carry weapons, enroll in self-defense classes, and essentially
transform her own life into a 24/7 routine of self-surveillance. The risk of this is that it
reinforces her own view of herself as fragile and powerless in a dangerous world, one in
which she must accept responsibility for violence against her by others. It echoes her guilty
belief that this was something that happened because she failed, wasn’t prepared, or didn’t
react right, and now we’re going help train her to not be at fault again--clearly the wrong
message. It also prevents her from finding her own independent strengths. It is not supportive
to cause her to feel that she has lost control over her life, or that she cannot be self-reliant.

• Family members may try to recruit close friends, ministers and clergy, co-workers, and
others into becoming involved with the issue, but this can be a mistake in some cases. They
may feel they are bringing help for their daughter, or that they are “just helping myself deal
with it,” but to your daughter this can seem like gossip or even betrayal of intensely personal
information. Unless she is prepared to talk with others about the rape, you should discourage
others from offering unsolicited advice or bringing people into the situation. But you should
not discourage her from talking to the people of her own choosing, even if it makes you
envious that she talks to others rather than to you.

• Encourage the family to respect her privacy. Although sometimes it is helpful for her to talk,
at times she will need to deal with feelings alone. Endless attention focused on her can
embarrass her and pressure her portray a phony image of “niceness” while masking her pain.
Her alone times can be an important part of her recovery, since being alone after such a
trauma is a sign of developing strength and self-reliance. Likewise, her poetry, journals, and
art about the incident should remain private except when she chooses to reveal them.

• Amazingly, some families can even be callous and cruel about the assault. It is not rare that
family members express their outrage and shock by attacking the victim herself, scolding her
for “being so stupid” or “putting yourself in that situation,” or chastising her “if you had only
listened to me…” One family I worked with even used the rape as a means of discipline
against their teen daughter, warning her that if she continually disobeyed “I’ll just take you
right back there and you can get raped again until you learn your lesson!”

• Some families may create an environment of constant activities and distractions as a way to
keep your daughter from thinking about the rape, or going on with life as if it never
happened. But what this does is creates a superficial phoniness around her, forcing her to act
falsely pleasant as a way to hide pain. This approach can actually hurt her more by treating
her as a source of shame to the family; it’s like we’re saying to her that the rape is so awful
that we have to cover it up and bury it under a sugar coating, or else we would all be
humiliated by her.

• Nobody should ever suggest that she was raped because of a mistake on her part. Young
daughters especially are hurt by this idea since the rapist is almost always an acquaintance
such as a boyfriend, friend, or other peer. This is especially true if drugs or alcohol were used
prior to the rape. Many rapists deliberately goad their teen victims into drinking or using
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 10

drugs specifically because it will prevent the girl from reporting the rape to her parents or
police out of fear that she will be punished for her behavior, rather than supported as a victim
of a crime.

Let’s review some of the tips we have learned:

• Your daughter will be confused after the assault, so it is important that you discuss the need
for medical care. But it is entirely her choice whether to undergo an evidence-collecting
examination.
• Men often have an instinct to seek revenge, but this is a poor option that can further
traumatize the victim, rather than helping her.
• You are more helpful by listening than by asking questions. Allow her to choose what to say,
and when, but without prying or rushing her to open up.
• When your daughter blames herself--and she will--it is important that you disagree and
assure her repeatedly that she is not to blame for the rape, no matter what bad decisions she
might have made before or after the attack.
• Family members try to be helpful in many ways that aren’t always helpful. They should not
invade her privacy, pretend it didn’t happen, use jokes to cope, make threats, or express their
anger to (or at) her.

Consequences and recovery from rape

Clearly the effects of rape are not brief and rape is not limited to a quick period of pain
and healing. Some survivors may take months or even years to recover, but you can help by
understanding the stages of her recovery and how to help each one. It is rare that a daughter will
reveal to her parents that she was raped right after it happened; most parents learn about this after
she has kept it a secret for a long time while her social problems have worsened at home and at
school while you have been mystified. Some daughters begin strange behaviors such as
deliberately cutting or hurting themselves, others may begun to use drugs, or she may suddenly
become very moody and withdrawn—more so than is normal. Parents are often baffled by these
symptoms before learning of the rape.

Some daughters express themselves very openly, while others may hide how they feel.
Some become very emotional, and others become almost stoic and blunt about it. Immediately
after the attacks, rape crisis workers report that victims often laugh and joke and become
entertaining at the hospital before and during the rape exam. These are all normal ways to react,
and even the victim who becomes seemingly merry out of shock is only doing this as an
alternative to complete devastation.

The symptoms that happen after a rape are often called “Rape Trauma Syndrome” (RTS),
which describes a series of stages toward her recovery.

The first phase, acute, begins with the woman’s initial responses right after the incident.
The symptoms may include shock, denial, fear, confusion, grief, and trouble making decisions.
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 11

The most common fear at this stage is that “nobody will believe me.” Incidentally, the single
experience most often named by survivors that helped them heal the most was “whether someone
I trusted believed me.”
During the acute stage there may also be physical symptoms: soreness or injuries from
the attack, bleeding, headaches or migraines, lowered immune system, tiredness, nausea, and
lack of appetite. Many daughters try to conceal these symptoms from you. Your daughter may
have experienced them privately while pretending in front of you and others that everything in
her life was continuing normally.
The young survivor also experiences emotional symptoms that manifest as changes in her
personality. Mood swings are common, including lashing out at people close to her who are her
helpers and supporters. Part of this is a coping skill: she is testing you to see if you are durable as
a supporter, and whether you will become angry and attack her or whether you are reliable, calm,
and understanding. These are things she wants to know before trusting you as a helper; do not let
your feelings become bruised by this “testing” process, no matter how intimate you were before
the attack.
Your daughter may have done all of this “lashing out” behavior before she has even
disclosed her rape to anyone, which has probably hurt and confused you. You may have seen her
start smoking, drinking, or using drugs, or having problems at school, or getting involved in
toxic relationships with bad boyfriends, self-injuring (cutting or scratching herself), or having
bizarre mood swings—all while telling you to “butt out” and “leave me alone!”

The second phase is one of apparent stabilization. She may claim that she has
“forgotten” or “dealt with” the rape and resent anyone (or anything) that reminds her of it. It may
seem that she has resolved her feelings, but if anything the rape is constantly in the background
of her thoughts and is still very upsetting. In my work as a therapist with teens, I encounter teen
females several times a week who announce that even though they were raped two years ago (or
two weeks ago, or whenever), they are “over it,” they are “fine with it,” and it’s “not an issue”
despite their current drug use, abusive relationships, alcoholism, depression, self-mutilation, or
suicide attempts. They beg me and their parents to discharge from therapy, or they go into a
“honeymoon phase” of acting pleasant, making it seem like they have genuinely improved.
When I bring up the rape they often fuss at me: “Why do we have to talk about this? It’s I the
past!”
Since this is still a stage toward her recovery, do not bluntly contradict her by saying, “no
you haven’t dealt with it!” Instead, congratulate her on her strength and her effort to return to a
stable lifestyle again, and simply add “if you have feelings about it that come up again, I am still
here to talk to at any time.”
But be aware that a relapse into negative behaviors is common and likely. And here’s
something confusing you should know: her chances of “relapse” into her old problem behaviors
are greatest when things seem to have been “going well” for a while. Don’t give up on
counseling just because she relapses into depression, self-harm, moodiness, or even substance
abuse. If anything, make sure counseling is consistent.

The third stage is marked by the return of the distress responses she experienced earlier
(depression, anxiety, fear, insomnia, nightmares, drug use, tension headaches, etc.). To her, this
can seem like a failure to cope or a complete collapse of her strength, and that will frighten her
and perhaps aggravate you. You may wonder, “what happened? She was doing so well!” She’ll
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probably wonder the same thing, and then feel depressed as she sees her second-stage strength
appear to crumble: “I’m a failure! I’m slipping right back down again!” Some survivors even
have suicidal thoughts at this regression stage (because they think they’re failing themselves and
everyone else, or they start to believe that these painful feelings will apparently never go away).
This is where family relationships undergo the most stress because husbands, parents, and others
hadn’t planned on “getting more of the same.” Arguments are common, and her criticisms of you
and herself become very sharp.
One teen girl I worked with had repeatedly run away from home, started screaming at her
parents in the middle of stores, and was frequently swearing and hitting at home. She discharged
from treatment after a week of unproductive family therapy sessions. Only two weeks later she
was back, and her behaviors had worsened. Finally she disclosed that she had been raped not
once but twice by some friends of her brother. With that crucial information we were able to
repair the family relationships—she was in the third stage of recovery but had never told anyone
what was really going on with her. Her family had simply thought she was “being bad” and
treated her as such, which only reinforced the feelings of shame and insecurity the rape had
caused. After her discharge that time, the father disclosed to me privately that if she hadn’t
improved he had been prepared to give up on her and abandon the family, but that by addressing
the rape trauma syndrome she had improved and he was finally able to understand her behaviors.
Often in counseling groups with teens, the very same girls who insisted “I’m over it and
I’m fine” become deeply troubled when the topic of rape comes up during our sessions. These
same girls who were convinced they were “over it” become sad, tense, and often leave the group
feeling emotionally worse than when they came in. Within minutes or hours of the end of a
counseling session, these girls are often involved in arguments, fights, cursing tantrums, and
“acting out.” This is a natural pattern in which the girl is confronting her own insecurities, and
the fact that something painful has just been opened. If we failed to understand the cause, it
would be easy to react to her harshly and with little patience. But when we know that she is
reacting to difficult issues in her recovery, it is easier to respond more appropriately to her.

There is no easy way to coast through the recovery process, but counseling can help. It
can teach her to recognize the steps of her recovery so she isn’t so frightened when they happen,
and it can teach you how to help her cope. Rape crisis centers usually offer free counseling to
survivors at any point, no matter how long after the rape has occurred. I suggest using these
counseling opportunities because the counselors will be specially trained and familiar with RTS.
You can also try these steps:

• Do not tell her that she “shouldn’t think about it” or “shouldn’t feel that way.” Telling her to
ignore her feelings prevents her from resolving them. Even if she seems to be lashing out at
herself or you, try to remind yourself that her anger really isn’t personally directed at you
regardless of what she says. If we suggest that she is coping poorly or being immature in her
efforts to control her emotions, we only make her feel guilty about herself and she will
become unwilling to share her thought and feelings with you later.

• Try not to get irritated when her emotions and needs put demands on you. Ironically, fathers-
-who often seek the role of “provider” and “caretaker” for those who depend on us--later
resent the very dependency we initially encouraged. She will need a lot of care. Do not skip
counseling appointments or abruptly drop any prescribed antidepressant medications (sudden
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 13

abstinence from such medications can plunge a person into suicidal risk, even without the
added weight of a rape). Also, do not give up on a counselor just because your daughter has
relapses or complains that her counselor “makes her mad.” The emotional walls around a
rape victim’s pain are as strong as cement, and the work of getting through them in
counseling can be painful and upsetting for your daughter.

• Do not become angry if her recovery is progressing slower than you would like. People
recover in their own ways and at their own speeds. If we impose a schedule for her recovery
we aren’t helping; we’re just showing that we don’t understand her. That can cause her to
feel distant or resentful; it can also cause her to think of herself as “weak” if she is not
recovering as quickly as her family thinks she should.

• Do not act out in violent ways around her, such as fighting, cursing, or driving angrily. It is
mistake to think that these are healthy releases of anger, especially around a person who has
been through trauma. Similarly, turning to alcohol, the internet (becoming a “computer
junkie”), or workaholism can leave her isolated and angry.

What fathers need to know

Fathers can be powerfully affected by the rape of a daughter, and the emotional pain is
especially severe. Most fathers feel protective and responsible toward their daughters, and may
have particularly intense feelings of anger, hurt, and blame. it is absolutely essential that you be
aware of the stresses on her. You should keep in mind:

• It is common that rapes committed against teen victims involve drug or alcohol use. In fact,
some perpetrators deliberately involve these substances for several reasons: first, it makes
victim-blaming easier. Rather than being helpful, family and others might assign part of the
blame to her: “you put yourself in that position! If you hadn’t been doing those things…”
Second, perpetrators know that teens will seldom report rapes if the victim herself has been
drinking or using drugs. A rapist is aware that if he can get a 15-year-old girl to drink or use
pot, he is virtually assured that she will be too scared to tell her parents (or police) about the
assault. If she confides in you, focus on her recovery, not on poor judgment that’s often easy
to blame.

• Rape may have been her first “sexual” experience, and this can cause her to have unrealistic
and frightening beliefs about intimacy and relationships. It is important that she understand
that adult intimacy will not leave her feeling dirty or spoiled, that rape does not ruin her
chances of enjoying relationships, and that violence is not a part of how adults express
themselves sexually. Even if your daughter replies, “duh, Dad, I know! Sheesh!” keep saying
it anyway. Despite the appearance of being annoyed, she is listening, and it’s important for
you to say. She also needs to know that rape is a crime of violence, not one of “uncontrolled
passion,” and that she bears no responsibility for the violence inflicted on her.
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• Daughters feel extremely uncomfortable discussing sexuality with their fathers so do not be
offended if she “clams up” around you. Find a sympathetic other person (nurse, counselor,
mentor, youth worker) to answer her questions. Don’t let your own awkwardness about
sexual discussions with your daughter get in the way of her finding the answers she needs;
it’s okay for Dads to admit, “honey, I just don’t know. Let’s call so-and-so and ask them.”
Honesty will alleviate her confusion and fear. In some cases, it can help for her to use an
anonymous internet message board operated by a rape trauma advocate; the key is to find a
board that is moderated (that is, has a watchful administrator who protects the participants
from harassment or inappropriate postings) so that she will be safe from “internet creeps” and
still get good information.

• Don’t assume that rape is a women’s issue and leave it up to women to be your daughter’s
sole supporters. If anything, it is an issue that more so requires your involvement in her
recovery. The way you treat your wife or partner, for example, affects how your daughter
views herself in relationships with men. On the other hand, if you are avoidant or
embarrassed to deal with the impact of rape on your family, it communicates the idea to your
daughter that you are ashamed of her, and therefore she may assume that she will be unloved
and unlovable by men in general. Being silent about the issue of rape can make your
daughter feel like she is guilty of something so terrible that her own dad can’t even bear to
confront it. Avoiding the issue isn’t a form of sensitivity to her; it’s a form of insensitivity to
her.

• The rape may compound communication problems that already exist between daughters and
parents. Do not force her to disclose, but let her know you are willing to listen when she
wants to talk. Healthy talks are seldom planned, and they don’t usually happen when a parent
suggests them. They usually happen when daughters direct the process in private settings.
Attempts to help her “forget” the rape by refusing to discuss it is like pushing a sliver deeper
into the skin while pretending we can’t feel it if we can’t see it. It may also give her the
impression that you are ashamed of her. Be sure to constantly remind her of how proud you
are of her, and she’s not weak for being raped--she’s strong for surviving it and dealing with
it!

• If your daughter was victimized by a date, she may fear that you will privately blame her for
using poor judgement. Sadly, many fathers would do that, and it’s the wrong way to react.
She may also fear that she will not be believed, that she will be accused of being dramatic,
seeking attention, playing “poor me” games, or have fear that you will take matters into her
own hands through revenge on the guilty person. She might conceal certain facts from you,
change her account of the incident (this is very common in trauma survivors!) or behave in
ways that make her hard to support. Again, it is important that you not punish her for what
someone else has done. Even more important, do not display more concern for what other
people might think, than for your own daughter’s feelings. Worrying about family reputation,
or stammering about “how am I going to explain this? What will so-and-so say? As if I don’t
have enough to deal with! Oh, this is just what our family needs right now!” can make her
feel humiliated or even disrespected. Knowing that she does not have to fear your reactions
will be a positive step in helping her recovery.
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• It is common after a trauma for the survivor’s memories to suppress, change, and recall
details out of sequence. Please do not come to the conclusion that your daughter is lying if
her accounts of the assault seem to vary over time—this is a normal and well-documented
fact of how the mind works after trauma. Too many families become suspicious or hostile to
their daughters if they perceive that her memory of the event seems to change somewhat over
time.

• If she was assaulted by an acquaintance or date, assure her that she is absolutely not
responsible for causing him to “lose control.” She may be especially worried if the attacker is
someone she faces routinely, like a school peer. She also needs to know that her attacker is
not representative of all males, and this is not “guy behavior” or “a guy problem.” Although
she might rant about how “men are pigs!” remember to assure her that this behavior is not
manly or masculine. Your own reactions can teach her a lot about how a real man acts:
openness, trust, calm strength, willingness to listen, patience.

• Encourage your daughter to resume her normal lifestyle. Limiting her independence by
keeping her in the house, grounding her for not being careful, or restraining her normal
decisions can seem like punishment, and will impair her recovering strength. It is also
important that her rights and freedoms are still balanced with her reasonable responsibilities
like household chores, homework, grades, curfew, etc. These establish a routine again, and
remind her that she is not “cut off” from her family system, but is still a part of the life
around her. It’s important that she continue her role in normal family functioning, and too
many families let their daughters “drop out” of family responsibilities by telling themselves,
“she’s been through so much, so I should really let her do what she wants.”

• Do not isolate yourself from friends who are also aware of the rape. Neither she nor you have
any reason to feel ashamed. Your true friends will be supportive and understanding, and it’s
okay for your daughter to see you stand up to ignorant comments or treatment by those who
just “don’t get it.”

• If the victim is a young child, she may express herself behaviorally rather than verbally. Be
alert for changes such as loss of appetite, withdrawal, changes in sleeping patterns,
nightmares, or fear of being alone. Be particularly watchful for rapid changes in weight, or
the appearance of unexplained cuts and scratches on her skin. These are often symptoms of a
young woman experiencing more pain than she feels she can cope with.

• If the crime is reported to authorities and the victim is a child, parental permission may be
required before medical care or legal assistance can be provided. Be there to help.

• The evidence exam may also be a first-time experience and can be extremely upsetting to her
unless parents and medical staff are sensitive. Insist that no part of the process take place
without an advocate from a rape crisis center. An “advocate” is a trained woman whose job is
to provide side-by-side support for both the survivor and her family during the medical
process, unless a doctor requests that the advocate step out of the exam (a doctor has the final
authority in the room). She will also provide you with brochures and information about
counseling for her, or even for you.
 Support hotline, 24 hours: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Matt Atkinson, LCSW © 2008 16

Getting Help
We have learned that families are always significant in a woman’s recovery from rape.
But because this is a heavy demand on us, we too often need support. I’ve even conducted
therapy sessions in which a mother, responding to her own daughter’s honest disclosure, also
revealed that they, too, had been sexually assaulted as young women—and had never told
anyone until that moment either.

In Oklahoma, there are number of possible resources. The Oklahoma Coalition Against
Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault (OCADVSA.org) can direct you to the rape crisis agency
in your area. These agencies offer rape survivor counseling and prevention education programs
for the community at no charge. Free counseling is a rare treasure anyway, let alone free
counseling from highly-skilled experts in this difficult field. Crisis agencies routinely receive
calls from women wanting therapy for Rape Trauma Syndrome, even years after the events
actually happened.

Many parents are reluctant to seek help because we might believe it is a sign of
weakness. While it is difficult for some to be open with our emotions, we need to understand that
getting help is not a symptom of weakness or an admission that we just “couldn’t take it.”
Rather, it is a realization that there are those with training in positions to offer useful advice, and
referring to these helpers is no “weaker” on our part than choosing the needed tool from a
toolbox during a home repair project. And if our daughters are depending on us to help them,
then we owe it to them to put aside our own hesitation and become educated and supported
ourselves.

It is also possible for males to help in other ways:

• Consider being a part-time volunteer with a crisis agency. Volunteers are rare and
desperately needed. Males in particular are sought for--who better to help guide the next
generation of young males than a male volunteering to meet with them and explain some of
these things? So dads, don’t assume that rape crisis centers are “women only” agencies.

• Raise public consciousness about rape by passing out literature, taping “hotline tear-off
sheets” in bathrooms (or Laundromats, libraries, etc. Rape crisis centers will provide the
handouts), and attending community forums.

• Work to bring about legal and other reforms. Write to Oklahoma representatives and District
Attorneys, and don’t be afraid to ask tough questions about why Oklahoma brags about its
“family values” as it continues to annually cut funds for teen mental health, sexual assault
crisis programs, rape prevention education, and other programs that serve victims of trauma.
Support the United Way, which is the primary foundation making grants to sponsor
Oklahoma rape and domestic violence crisis programs.
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• Invite a speaker to your church. Most rape crisis agencies offer a speaker’s bureau, and are
able to present this topic in a way that combines dignified dialogue with helpful insight.
Churches and synagogues are entirely appropriate settings for these discussions. Remember
not to only include “the women’s’ group” in these forums, but youth and men also.

You play a major role in helping a loved on recover from rape. There are no miracle cures and it
is not likely that you’ll know everything it takes to “make it all right” again. But by being
patient, supportive, and non-judgmental you will be communicating the most important message:
your unconditional love. Trust that she is strong enough to do the rest on her own.

Now go forth and make a difference.