 Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!

 What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

 My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like
my wife.
 What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
 T\
 wo guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
 Did you hear about the actor who broke his leg onstage? He's still in the
cast.
 How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.
 What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey
business.
 Why did the pharmacist walk on her tiptoes? She didn't want to wake the
sleeping pills.
 I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
 Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.
 I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
 What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
 I had a date last night and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a fig.
 What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.

 Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

 Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
 What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.
 What’s the name of a very polite, European body of water?
Merci.
 Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so
jaded.
 I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
 I want to make a brief jo;ke, but it’s a little cheesy.
 Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
 How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
 Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder
day.
 5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
 Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted
something pillow-key!
 You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you
come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
European.
 I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better
than sitting around doing nothing.
 Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
 Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis.
 Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for
their handles.
 Why did the physicist and the biologist break up? Because they
had no chemistry.
 If you feel like someone is watching you, you're not alone.
 Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?
The sink.
 Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid
asked him to sit on the deck.
 How do birds learn how to fly? They wing it!
 What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.
 What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive,
magical school? Hogwarts.
 How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
 What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?
"You've been on fire!"
 Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
 Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to
break a bill.
 What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense
discussion? "Let's table this."
 I was going to tell a joke about water, but it was too tasteless.
 Why couldn't the duck be quiet? Because it was addicted to
quack.
 Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.
 Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best
batter.
 Why did the baseball player get arrested? Because he stole
second base.
 Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all
booked up.
 Why did the pug buy a clock? It wanted to be a watchdog.
 Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meatball.
  How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on
April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in
the shower.
 What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? "I'm a
big fan."
 What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery
meat.
 What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out
of the washer? "Don't be such a wet blanket."
 Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own? Because it was too
tired.
 Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-
moo-th talker.
 What's a writer's favorite train station? Penn Station.
 What do you call a gnat with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
 What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a
can of Pringles? "He's got a chip on his shoulder."
 What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.
 What kind of shape may have been knighted? Cir-cles.
Vbm
 Why did the golfer get a new pair of pants? Because he got a hole in one
 Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is
silent 🙊
 How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it
 I don't often tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs
 What's a karate kids favourite drink? Waataaaaaaa!
 Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no
atmosphere.
 Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun-guy
Kid: "Im hungry" Dad: "Hi hungry, I'm dad"
 Why did the Ram run off the cliff? 🐏 It didn't see the ewe turn
 What happens when you take a watch on a plane? Time flies!
 Why didn’t the toilet roll cross the road? Because he got stuck in the crack
 Our family could never get tyred of Dad jokes. He says they’re wheelie
good
 How long is a piece of string? Twice as long as half of it!
 “My wife was sick of my lack of direction. We always fought about it. So I
packed up my bags and right"
  What do you get when you make humorous soup? Laughing stock

What do you call a chicken with salad in his eyes? Chicken Cesar Salad 🐓
🥗
 What did the platypus say when he bought some lipstick? Put it on my bill
 What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty
 What’s brown and sticky? A stick
 What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador 🐶
 How do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure ones a match 🔥
 What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk 🙈
 Kid: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" Dad: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!" 🥪
 The batteries are flat. No, they’re round
 Knock Knock Who's there? Harold! Harold who? Harold do you think I am?
Kid: spills pea from plate. Dad says: did you just pee on the floor?
 What did the crocodile wear to the beach? Crocs 🐊
 Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the
milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!" 🥛
 Why couldn't the bike stand on its own? Because it was two tyred 🚲
 Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? It’s tearable
 "Are you saving that for Ron?! Later on... get it
 As we drive past a cemetery, my dad always says "That's the dead center
of town"
 I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.
She said, "Try Sarah Topps"

A father is walking his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. The
priest begins the ceremony and comes to the part where he says "who
gives this woman away" The father pipes up and says "I do and I want a
receipt"
 "Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!!"
 Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it 🔨
  Kid : "Dad, I feel like an ice cream." Dad: "That’s funny... you don’t look
like an ice cream"
 When does a sandwich cook? When it’s bakin’ lettuce and tomato! 🥓🥬🍅
 I named my horse mayo.... mayo neighs
 Did you hear about a guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months
Why are there barcodes printed on the sides of Norway's Navy ships?
So when they come in to port the can Scandinavian 🚢
 Why don’t pirates travel on mountain roads? Scurvy
 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye deer
 What concert cost 45 cents to go to? 50 cent featuring Nickleback
 What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows
 Dad can you put my shoes on? No I don’t think they will fit me 👟
 Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin
 Kid: "Ill call you later" Dad: "Don't call me later, call me Dad"

How does an Eskimo build a house? Igloos it together ❄️☃️

 Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sour pus 🐈😹
 What did the police say to his belly button? You're under a vest 🦺
 What did one hat say to the other? Stay here I'm going on a head
 I have a joke about pizza... but it's too cheesy 🍕🧀
 I have a joke about a pencil... but it's pointless ✏️
 Today my son asked can I have a book Mark. I totally burst into tears, he's
11 years old and still doesn't know my names Brian 🤣
 What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll Ketchup
 Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep? It was pasta
bedtime 🍝💤
 I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
Why did Dad burn the Hawaiian Pizza? He should have used Aloha
temperature
 Why should you never date a baker? I've been told their too kneady.
 Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb 🐝
 How did the skeleton know it was about to rain? He could feel it in his
bones 🦴
 What's brown and sticky? A stick!
  What do you call cheese that's not yours. Nacho cheese 🧀🧀
 I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the
refrigerator all along!
 How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it! 🌙

How are scooters like butter? They are on a roll! 🛴🧈

 How much do roofs cost! Nothing, they're on the house 🏠
 Did you pick your nose? No I was born with it 👃
 I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough 💰
 Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before it is a sadder day
 Why did the candle quit his job? He felt burned out
 My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home 🤣
 I had a date last night and it was perfect. Tomorrow I'll have a fig.
 I started arguing with my son in the elevator. Turns out I was wrong on all
levels
 Why does a duck have feathers? To cover up his butt quack! 🦆

 Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

 How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
 Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he
made a mint!
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 I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
 Why don't eggs tell jokes? They might crack up!
 What did the big flower say to the little flower? "Hi, bud!"
 I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
 What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out
a little wine.
 I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I
took a couple of days off.
 What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!
 Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!
 Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no
 atmosphere!
 What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!
 Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems!
 What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I'll go on ahead!
 Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged!
 I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.
 I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
 Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of
soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
 I'm writing a book about glue, but I'm stuck on the first chapter.
 What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.
 Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in
one.
 Two sheep walk into a—baaaa.
 Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.
 Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.
 Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go
spreading it!
 What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
 What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.
 What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
 If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?
 I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.
 I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.
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Best Dad Jokes for Adults

KEVIN J. MIYAZAKI
 How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
 Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately, yes, she
said the others were all nines or tens!
 What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids?
There are pictures where the money used to be.
  I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to
interrupt her!
 I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in
Vegas, stays in Vegas.
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 How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.
 My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I
didn't even know it was today!
 My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my
sense of humor.
 When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of
champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.
Best Corny Dad Joke’s
 What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.
 What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?
Their crews were marooned.
 What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One
requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
 What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
 Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would
be bagels.
 I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big
step forward.
 What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?
 What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.
 What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account?
Prime mates.
 You can't spell par entry without "try."
 What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.
 Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
 Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.
 Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to
know why? Inflation.
 I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast.
Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.
 Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit
 more space.
 Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.
 How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
 Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!
 What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a
big plus.
 Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that
well!
 Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.
 What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!
 Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.
 What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!
 Can February March? No, but April May!
 Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!
 I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.
 What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
 Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
 What's brown and sticky? A stick.
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 I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.
 It really takes guts to be an organ donor.
 What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.
Best Dad Joke Puns

@thepioneerwoman
 Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!
 Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
 What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
 How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.
 Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.
 How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!
 What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!
  What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
 Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
 Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!
 What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
 How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!
 You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!
 What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
 Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends.
 What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!
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 Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.
 What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba
toothpaste!
 Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
 How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
 Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
 Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!
 What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a
vest!
 What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
 If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Best One-Liner Dad Jokes

Buff Strickland
 The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.
 I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.
 The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.
 Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.
 Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
 All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.
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 The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.
  RIP boiling water, you will be mist.
 I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's
going around.
 I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.
 I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.
 You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.
 When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
 They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.
Best Bad Dad Jokes

Paige Drummond
 Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
 How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
 Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.
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 How does a hurricane see? With one eye.
 Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.
 What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!
 How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
 What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.
 What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
 What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
 What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
 My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
 What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
 "Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.
 I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then
it hit me.
 Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
 How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
 I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.
 I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.
  What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux
pa.
 I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
 If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
Best Dad Jokes for Kids

Ree Drummond
 Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
 What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
 What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
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 What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!
 Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a
foot.
 What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.
 What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.
 What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
 How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!
 How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!
 What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
 What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.
 What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
 Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.
Best Silly Dad Jokes

The Pioneer Woman

 Why couldn't the dad help his son put his shoes on? They weren't the
dad's size!
 Why do parents always say, "Because I said so?" "Because science"
isn't always a good enough explanation.
 Some graduate with honors, I am just honored my kids graduated.
 I told my son I was going to buy him a book on procrastination, but I
keep putting it off.
  I told my kids they can be anything they want when they grow up, as
long as it's not taller than me.
 My kid told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.
 What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-inated.
 I used to think I was a morning person, but then I had kids. Now, I'm
more of a "give me all the coffee" person.
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 What parenting style do dads like best? Improvising!
 I told my kids to stop playing with their food. So they started playing
with their plate instead.
 Being a parent means never having a moment to yourself—even in the
bathroom.
 It's spicy: universal dad code for "I don't want to share."
 My kids should have been born in a different decade because it's
cheaper by the dozen.
 I'm not a helicopter parent... I'm just surveilling with love!
 I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!
 I was going to make a joke about the old bed, but then it fell apart.
 Why are dads bad detectives? Because they only find the evidence
after the crime has been committed.
 I'm my kids' favorite person to overthink things with.
 Note to all dads of teens, keep a dog. That way someone is excited to
see you!
 What's it like to have the best son in the world? You'll have to ask
grandpa!
 Why do dads like bitter drinks? They've been served a cold glass of
reali-tea.
 Why pay a therapist when you have a dad?
 I asked dad if he could make me a burger. He replied by saying,
"Wallah! You're a burger!"
 Why is the accountant also good at being a parent? Having kids is
taxing!
Worst Dad Jokes

Ree Drummond / Instagram

  What did the drummer call his two daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
 I've learned that parenting is a lot like playing Whac-A-Mole. Just when
you think you've got one problem solved, another one pops up.
 Honey, stop looking for the perfect match… use a lighter.
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 Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers!
 I tried to teach my kids about taxes, but they just responded with,
"That sounds like a you problem."
 We have the perfect dad-son relationship. You're my son, and I'm
perfect!
 I love all my children the same. Except for the one that sleeps… I love
that one more.
 If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me wherever I
try to hide!
 I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than
sitting around doing nothing!
 Cleaning with children in the house is like brushing your teeth while
eating Oreos.
 Son: "Dad, can I get $20?" Dad: "Does it look like I make dollars every
day?" Son: "Well, isn't that what D.A.D stands for?"
 I always have a take on everything. My wife calls my explanations
dadsplaining.
 Why do dad feel the need to tell such bad jokes? We just want to help
you become a groan up.
 My wife asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I
got home that I had picked 7Up.
 Some days you question your parenting. Other days, you have to
question your child's childing.
 What does the dad diet consist of? All of the foods his kids can't finish.
 My kids: 3 out of 5 stars, could have been a bit quieter.
 How old are you again? I've lost track at this point.
 If being a parent were a job, I'd be the CEO of chaos management.
 I smile because I'm your dad, but I laugh because there's nothing you
can do about it!
 First child eats dirt, dad calls the doctor. Second child eats dirt, dad
cleans out their mouth. Third child eats dirt, dad wonders if she still
 needs to make lunch.
 How many dads does it take to get you to clean your room? One, but it
takes 18 years!
 Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
 How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.
 Why do some couples go to the gym together? Because they want
their relationship to work out.
 Are my kids perfect? No, but we can blame mom for that one!