《The danger of hiding who you are》 Morgana Bailey

When I was young, I prided myself as a nonconformist in the

conservative U.S. state I live in, Kansas. I didn't follow along with the
crowd. I wasn't afraid to try weird clothing trends or hairstyles. I was
outspoken and extremely social. Even these pictures and postcards of
my London semester abroad 16 years ago show that I obviously didn't
care if I was perceived as weird or different.

当我年轻的时候，我曾为自己能不墨守成规而感到骄傲，那时候
我生活在保守的美国堪萨斯州。我不随大流，勇敢尝试奇装异服
和怪异发型。我直言不讳，而且非常爱社交。这是大约十六年前
我出国在伦敦那学期的图片和明信片，从这些也能看出，我完全
不在乎是否会被觉得怪异或另类。

But that same year I was in London, 16 years ago, I realized

something about myself that actually was somewhat unique, and that
changed everything. I became the opposite of who I thought I once
was. I stayed in my room instead of socializing. I stopped engaging in
clubs and leadership activities. I didn't want to stand out in the crowd
anymore. I told myself it was because I was growing up and maturing,
not that I was suddenly looking for acceptance. I had always assumed
I was immune to needing acceptance. After all, I was a bit
unconventional. But I realize now that the moment I realized
something was different about me was the exact same moment that I
began conforming and hiding.

但也就是同一年，十六年前在伦敦的那年，我意识到自己的确有
点特别，于是一切从此发生了改变。我变得与从前的自己判若两
人。自己待在房间而不再去社交，终止了俱乐部和领导活动，不
再愿意在人群中突出自己。我告诉自己那只是因为我在长大和成
熟，而不是因为突然间开始寻找认同。我曾经一度假定自己不需
要被接纳，毕竟我是有点不那么传统。而现在我明白，在我意识
到自己有点特别的那一刻，就是我循规蹈矩和隐藏自己的开始。

Hiding is a progressive habit, and once you start hiding, it becomes

harder and harder to step forward and speak out. In fact, even now,
when I was talking to people about what this talk was about, I made
up a cover story and I even hid the truth about my TED Talk. So it is

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《The danger of hiding who you are》 Morgana Bailey
up a cover story and I even hid the truth about my TED Talk. So it is
fitting and scary that I have returned to this city 16 years later and I
have chosen this stage to finally stop hiding. What have I been hiding
for 16 years? I am a lesbian.

隐藏是一种逐步加强的习惯，一旦你开始这样做了，重新开始展
示真实的自己就会变得越来越难。事实上，即使不久前，在我和
别人谈论这次演讲的时候，我其实也没有说出真实的内容，我甚
至隐瞒了我 TED 演讲的真相。我内心真的很害怕。十六年后，
我回到这个城市，选择这个舞台，不再遮掩。那么，十六年来我
都在隐藏什么？我是一名同性恋。

I've struggled to say those words, because I didn't want to be defined

by them. Every time I would think about coming out in the past, I
would think to myself, but I just want to be known as Morgana,
uniquely Morgana, but not "my lesbian friend Morgana," or "my gay
coworker Morgana." Just Morgana.

我挣扎着说出了这些字，因为我不想被它们所定义。过去，每当
我想要出柜，我就会暗想，我只想做莫甘娜——那个独一无二的
莫甘娜，而不是“我的同性恋朋友莫甘娜”或者“我的同性恋同事
莫甘娜”。只是莫甘娜就好了。

For those of you from large metropolitan areas, this may not seem like
a big deal to you. It may seem strange that I have suppressed the truth
and hidden this for so long. But I was paralyzed by my fear of not
being accepted. And I'm not alone, of course. A 2013 Deloitte study
found that a surprisingly large number of people hide aspects of their
identity. Of all the employees they surveyed, 61 percent reported
changing an aspect of their behavior or their appearance in order to fit
in at work. Of all the gay, lesbian and bisexual employees, 83 percent
admitted to changing some aspects of themselves so they would not
appear at work "too gay." The study found that even in companies
with diversity policies and inclusion programs, employees struggle to
be themselves at work because they believe conformity is critical to
their long-term career advancement. And while I was surprised that so
many people just like me waste so much energy trying to hide
themselves, I was scared when I discovered that my silence has life-

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《The danger of hiding who you are》 Morgana Bailey
themselves, I was scared when I discovered that my silence has life-
or-death consequences and long-term social repercussions.

对在座的那些来自大都市的人来说，这也许没什么。也许我看起
来很奇怪，压抑了这个真相，并且隐藏了如此之久。可不被接纳
真的会让我恐惧到吓瘫。当然，不止我一个人这样。2013 年德勤
的一项研究发现，有惊人数目的人在自己的身份方面都有所隐
藏。在他们调查的全部雇员中，61%的人报告为了适应工作有改
变过行为或外表的某个方面。在所有的男、女同性恋以及双性恋
雇员中，83%的人承认自己有过某些方面的改变，以使在工作场
合不会表现得“过于同性恋”。研究发现即使是在有着多元化政策
与包容性计划的公司，雇员们也会为在工作场合做自己而斗争，
因为他们相信趋同对于长期的职业发展来说至关重要。当我惊讶
于如此多的人像我一样浪费相当多精力去隐藏自己的同时，我也
感到了恐惧——当我发现自己的沉默会造成生死攸关的后果以及
长远的社会影响。

Twelve years: the length by which life expectancy is shortened for

gay, lesbian and bisexual people in highly anti-gay communities
compared to accepting communities. Twelve years reduced life
expectancy. When I read that in The Advocate magazine this year, I
realized I could no longer afford to keep silent. The effects of personal
stress and social stigmas are a deadly combination. The study found
that gays in anti-gay communities had higher rates of heart disease,
violence and suicide. What I once thought was simply a personal
matter I realized had a ripple effect that went into the workplace and
out into the community for every story just like mine. My choice to
hide and not share who I really am may have inadvertently
contributed to this exact same environment and atmosphere of
discrimination.

十二年：这个数字是那些在强烈反对同性恋社区中生活的同性
恋、双性恋者相对在接纳同性恋社区中预期寿命的缩减量。十二
年的寿命缩减。今年，当我在《倡导者》杂志上看到这个时，我
意识到自己不能再继续沉默下去了。个人压力和社会偏见的效果

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《The danger of hiding who you are》 Morgana Bailey
结合乃是致命的。研究发现，在反同性恋社区中生活的同性恋者
出现心脏病、暴力、自杀的比例会更高。我意识到，自己之前以
为只是个人事件的其实具有涟漪效应，它们进入工作场合，影响
到社区生活，就像每一个与我类似的故事那样。我隐藏真实自己
的这一选择也许无意间也助长了那些同样带有歧视的环境和氛
围。

I'd always told myself there's no reason to share that I was gay, but the
idea that my silence has social consequences was really driven home
this year when I missed an opportunity to change the atmosphere of
discrimination in my own home state of Kansas.

我曾一直告诉自己说，我没有理由分享我是同性恋的事实。然
而，沉默的社会影响这个想法直到今年才真正触动了我，因为那
时我错过了一个在家乡堪萨斯州改善歧视氛围的机会。

In February, the Kansas House of Representatives brought up a bill

for vote that would have essentially allowed businesses to use
religious freedom as a reason to deny gays services. A former
coworker and friend of mine has a father who serves in the Kansas
House of Representatives. He voted in favor of the bill, in favor of a
law that would allow businesses to not serve me.

二月份，堪萨斯州众议院提出一项法案待表决，原则上允许企业
以宗教自由为名拒绝对同性恋者提供服务。我之前的一位同事兼
朋友的父亲在众议院工作。他对这项法案投赞成票，支持这个允
许企业拒绝对我提供服务的方案。

How does my friend feel about lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender,

queer and questioning people? How does her father feel? I don't
know, because I was never honest with them about who I am. And
that shakes me to the core. What if I had told her my story years ago?
Could she have told her father my experience? Could I have
ultimately helped change his vote? I will never know, and that made
me realize I had done nothing to try to make a difference.

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《The danger of hiding who you are》 Morgana Bailey
我的朋友对男、女同性恋、双性者、变性者，对这些奇怪的、被
质疑的人如何想呢？她的父亲又如何觉得呢？我不知道，因为我
从来没有向他们坦白我是同性恋的事实。而这一点动摇了我的内
心。如果我许多年前告诉她会怎么样呢？她会告诉她父亲我的经
历吗？我可以最终使得他改变态度吗？我不会知道了，而这件事
让我意识到自己没有为改变做任何努力。

How ironic that I work in human resources, a profession that works to

welcome, connect and encourage the development of employees, a
profession that advocates that the diversity of society should be
reflected in the workplace, and yet I have done nothing to advocate
for diversity. When I came to this company one year ago, I thought to
myself, this company has anti-discrimination policies that protect gay,
lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. Their commitment to
diversity is evident through their global inclusion programs. When I
walk through the doors of this company, I will finally come out. But I
didn't. Instead of taking advantage of the opportunity, I did nothing.

多讽刺啊，我从事人力资源的工作，一个欢迎、联合并鼓励员工
发展的职业，一个提倡在工作场合响应社会多元化的职业，但是
我没有做任何事情去倡导这种多元化。一年前当我走进这家公司
的时候，我心里暗想，这家公司有反歧视的政策，用来保护同性
恋者、双性恋者和变性者。他们对多元文化的承诺已经在全球的
包容性计划中得以应证。当我走进这家公司大门，我终于可以出
柜了。但我没有，我没有利用这个机会，什么都没有做。

When I was looking through my London journal and scrapbook from

my London semester abroad 16 years ago, I came across this modified
quote from Toni Morrison's book, "Paradise." "There are more scary
things inside than outside." And then I wrote a note to myself at the
bottom: "Remember this." I'm sure I was trying to encourage myself
to get out and explore London, but the message I missed was the need
to start exploring and embracing myself.

当我回味十六年前在伦敦那学期的伦敦杂志和剪贴簿的时候，偶

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《The danger of hiding who you are》 Morgana Bailey
然发现了一句来自托妮·莫里森的著作《乐园》中的引用，大概
是说：“源自我们内心的恐惧远比来自外界的多。”我在最下面为
自己写下了这样的话：“铭记。”我确信当时我是在鼓励自己走出
去、探索伦敦，但我错过的是开始探寻和拥抱自己的需求。

What I didn't realize until all these years later is that the biggest
obstacles I will ever have to overcome are my own fears and
insecurities. I believe that by facing my fears inside, I will be able to
change reality outside. I made a choice today to reveal a part of
myself that I have hidden for too long. I hope that this means I will
never hide again, and I hope that by coming out today, I can do
something to change the data and also to help others who feel
different be more themselves and more fulfilled in both their
professional and personal lives. Thank you.

直到这么多年后我才明白，我需要克服的最大障碍永远是自身的
恐惧和不安。我相信，通过正视自己内心的恐惧，我将能够改变
外界的现状。今天，我做了选择，揭示了隐藏了许久的那部分自
己。我希望这意味着我再也不会隐藏，也希望通过今天的出柜，
我可以为改变那个数字（12 年）做一些事情，帮助那些感觉到不
同的人，在他们的工作和生活中做得更像他们自己，更为满足。
谢谢！

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